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DAVE: goddamn its a mess in here
Dirk sits up on the couch, pulling his shades on. A slight tension leaves his body when he realizes it's just you.
DAVE: not tryna be rude cause like im the guest here but seriously whend you clean last
DIRK: What are you doing here?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: you invited me over
DAVE: and i have a key that you gave me when you first moved in
DIRK: Right, yeah.
Dirk glances around his apartment, your eyes following the subtle turns of his head. He looks at the ashtray at the other end of the couch, stuffed with cigarette butts, the various other places he’s stuffed cigarette butts because his ashtray was full, the couple garbage bags collecting dust (and mold, probably) in the corner.
DIRK: It’s not that bad.
You don’t respond, electing to give him a Look through your shades that you hope communicates well enough. You enter his apartment instead of continuing to linger in his doorway and push open a window. The breeze outside is a little chilly, but you’re sure he can manage.
DAVE: gotta vent that smoke smell dude
DAVE: like if you really gotta smoke indoors the least you can do is let the smell out
DAVE: make it the neighbors problem or whatever
DAVE: kind of just doing yourself a disservice by inhaling the same shit over and over
You wander over to the fridge
DAVE: got anything to eat
DAVE: other than whatever bullshit you keep in your fridge on the regular which is not edible and really shouldnt even be kept cold
DIRK: Not sure.
DIRK: It’s been a minute since I opened that.
DAVE: goddamn okay
DAVE: have you had anything in the past like two days that wasnt nicotine
DIRK: Dude, c’mon, don’t be ridiculous.
DIRK: I had a protein bar.
DAVE: one protein bar
DAVE: over the course of 48 hours
DAVE: 2880 minutes
DAVE: thats 172800 seconds and you ate one flimsy ass protein bar
DIRK: Goddamn, no need to pull out some time shtick.
DIRK: I get it, it isn’t great.
You exaggerate a sigh to show your disappointment and flop next to Dirk on his couch, forcing him to scoot over. His lips press together in a slight scowl– or the closest he can get while refusing to show any emotion– but he doesn’t protest.
DAVE: do you seriously not remember inviting me over
DIRK: Would it upset you to hear no?
DIRK: I had no idea this was coming.
DAVE: right yeah
DAVE: tell me again about how great youre doing right now
DAVE: because memory gaps are a notorious sign of mental wellness
DIRK: Point made.
DIRK: You really sound like my kid when you say shit like that.
DIRK: What happened, exactly?
DAVE: the other day you texted me
DAVE: i mean it was pretty late at night
DAVE: saying you missed me and wanted to get in on some family time
DAVE: and who am i to deny some good ol brotherly bonding
DAVE: make a sitcom out of us fun times with the striders
DAVE: considering how just peachy we always are
DAVE: but yeah you said today would be okay
DIRK: Huh.
DIRK: Gaps in my memory aren’t anything too new to me, but I don’t think I’ve ever made plans I’d immediately forgotten about.
DIRK: Although I guess I could’ve forgotten those too.
DAVE: heh
DIRK: I hope it goes without saying that I haven’t been drinking, or under any kind of influence.
DIRK: I think my stance on those behaviors has been made clear.
DAVE: i mean you cant even throw your old cigarette butts away
DAVE: really not trying to be a dick here but i think its pretty clear youre going through something kind of extreme
DAVE: also goddamn theres gotta be like three packs in that ashtray alone i dont think i knew that many cigarettes could fit in there
DAVE: youre one to object to substance abuse
DIRK: Did I make any plans in particular? Or were we going to sit around and shoot the shit.
DAVE: second one
DAVE: but i mean ive been wanting to catch up
DAVE: kinda glad i came over now
Your mouth feels dry. The apartment you grew up in was pretty messy, but it was never this bad. Maybe it’s because he’s alone and doesn’t have to worry about other people tripping and hurting themselves or whatever– not that the place you grew up in was particularly concerned for your safety.
A question hangs on your tongue
DAVE: hey uh
DAVE: are you sure youre like
DAVE: okay living alone
DIRK: …
DIRK: What do you mean?
DAVE: like
DAVE: i know you grew up pretty isolated
DAVE: and i think continuing to be alone might not be good for you
DAVE: or whatever
DAVE: rose or karkat could probably say what im trying to say better
DAVE: i mean you got your issues of like
DAVE: thinking everyone hates you
DAVE: and maybe being around a couple other people all the time might make that
DAVE: less there
DAVE: goddamn im fumbling this
DAVE: but like theres an open spot on my couch if you need to be not alone ever
DIRK: I get what you’re saying.
DIRK: Would you be comfortable with that?
DIRK: Ya know, living with… me, again?
DAVE: completely different circumstances
DAVE: barely comparable
Dirk chews on his lip, fingers hanging around his mouth, twisting one of his piercings. His eyes flit around under his shades, both avoiding eye contact and trying to find something lost in the built-up piles. Shit, you’re putting too much pressure on him.
DAVE: why dont we get something to eat
DAVE: i think you need it
DIRK: Yeah, okay.
DIRK: Let me shower and put something else on.
DIRK: Can’t remember how long I’ve been wearing this.
DAVE: yeah go ahead man
DAVE: take as long as you need
DAVE: just like dont pass out
DIRK: The remote’s… somewhere in here.
DIRK: Probably on the coffee table under something else.
Dirk goes into his room for a second, and then enters the bathroom and locks the door. You take a look around the coffee table. No remote in sight. You don’t really want to move his stuff around, even if you put it back. The guy’s very particular about where he keeps things. You imagine– or at least hope– that he’s got a system to organize the stuff he needs to get to.
Your gaze shifts from the clutter in the living room to the kitchen. Shit’s piling up in the sink, on the counters, on the surrounding floor, everywhere. You figure he wouldn’t mind you straightening up what’s definitely trash.
You put on your headphones, keeping one ear off so you can hear when he’s done showering, grab an old takeout bag– you can’t find a trash bag– and scoop his old cigarette butts into it. You take the various cups and plates sitting around and bring them to the sink, where plenty of dishes are already piled up. The cigarette smoke masks most of the other scents in here, but the dishes are noticeable in the kitchen itself. Might as well clean these. It’ll make the rest of the place feel a little neater, at least
You hear the water in the bathroom shut off when you’re almost done with the dishes, and as you finish up, Dirk exits the bathroom. His hair is damp, flattening it from its usual spiky appearance.
DIRK: Hey.
DIRK: Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.
DAVE: nah youre good
DAVE: thought id try and help clean this place up but i didnt wanna mess with your stuff too hard
DAVE: we can take those trash bags out when we leave though
DIRK: We can go now.
He pats around the coffee table, finding a smushed pack of cigarettes and a lighter, slipping both into one of his pockets. He grabs a few of the bags, leaving a couple behind for you. Taking the remaining ones, you both head out to the dumpster and then your car.
You both can fly, of course, as an extension of your whole godtier thing. But you’re more interested in trying to live the most normal life you can. With your powers being time-related, there’s not much you can do as a god anyway. Time passes on its own, and you’d only really need to do anything if something went wrong. Dirk largely avoids using his god abilities as well, with his whole destruction thing. Not to mention Karkat isn’t a god, and your time living a regular ass life with him is way better spent than creating more stable time loops or whatever else you could do as a time god.
You two decide to eat at a diner nearby, both of you getting burgers. You swallow yours in barely two bites, while Dirk picks at his fries.
DAVE: god i havent had a burger in so long
DAVE: i can almost taste the meat under all the grease
DAVE: oh shit have you ever had a burger
DAVE: like i know you didnt have beef or whatever in the future but like have you had one since coming to earth c
DAVE: gotta fix that man gotta dig right in
DAVE: man i wish i could eat a burger again for the first time i dont remember what that was like cuz you know i was a kid
DAVE: it was probably garbage cause all the fast food places i ate at as a kid were since it was the cheapest shit around
DAVE: but like the worse a burger is the better you know
Dirk stares at you absentmindedly. You’re not sure if he’s zoned out or if he just can’t form a response– which, to be fair, you were rambling to fill a void in the conversation, not to get him to say anything particularly insightful back. You cough a little, not sure what else to say.
DAVE: uh yeah thats about it for my thoughts on burgers
DAVE: karkat tried to get me to eat one of his troll buggers which is like a burger but made of bugs
DAVE: didnt even taste that bad but it was like crunchy
DAVE: and not in a good way like with lettuce or pickles
DAVE: it was like the bug shells or whatever like i thought youd peel those things before eating them
DAVE: he said the shell adds important nutrients though
DAVE: they say shit like that about orange juice with pulp i think but man youre already drinking orange juice why make your day worse by making it chunky
DAVE: …
DAVE: ya there
Dirk stares for a second longer before blinking rapidly.
DIRK: Huh?
DIRK: I zoned out.
DAVE: yeah i could tell
DAVE: call you jade the way you were spaced
DIRK: What were you saying?
DAVE: nothing important just a whole burger rant
DAVE: i couldve just freestyled the craziest burger rap ever and youd have no idea what a shame
DAVE: beef rap even
DAVE: you gonna eat your burg
DAVE: (thats short for burger for anyone new to the stream)
DIRK: Yeah, yeah.
DIRK: Give me a second.
Dirk hesitates a bit in picking up his burger, like he’s not entirely sure what to do here. Once he does pick it up, he takes the smallest bite you think he could’ve possibly taken.
DAVE: is that it
Dirk swallows the bite.
DIRK: I’ve never had this place. I wasn’t sure what to expect.
DAVE: mhm
He bites off a bit more this time, chewing slower. You stare at him, maybe a bit more dumbfounded than you’d meant to look.
DIRK: I’m trying to pick out all the different flavors.
DIRK: You know, to make sure I like them enough.
DIRK: I’m not going to force myself to eat something I don’t like.
DAVE: yeah sure
DAVE: do you like it
DIRK: Enough to finish it.
Watching Dirk pick his way through a burger might be one of the saddest things you’ve seen another human do. In the few years since he’s been in actual civilization, you would’ve expected him to try more foods, but now you’re convinced this is his first time eating a burger. Or anything warm, even.
He finishes eating in silence, and starts picking at his fries again.
DIRK: Shit, they’re cold.
DIRK: It didn’t take me that long to eat, did it?
DAVE: long enough i guess
DIRK: Hm.
You reach around the table and grab a fry. It’s cold enough to have basically turned to mush.
DAVE: ew
DIRK: Right.
DAVE: yeah you dont have to finish those
DAVE: not that you need my permission to eat or not eat
DIRK: To eat, or not to eat. That is the question.
DAVE: yep
DIRK: The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. Shakespeare’s longest play.
DAVE: youve read shakespeare?
DIRK: Spend enough time alone with unrestricted internet access, and you find everything online.
DAVE: thats what they say about porn
DAVE: eugh pretend i didnt say that i dont wanna talk about porn with you
Dirk chuckles.
DAVE: ill eat them for you though dont worry
DIRK: Really?
DAVE: yeah dont wanna waste food or anything
Dirk wraps his hands in his lap, below the table and just barely out of your sight. You force your way through the fries, for the sake of not throwing them away. They aren’t that bad, really, but they definitely shouldn’t be eaten cold.
You stay in silence again until you’re done with his fries.
DIRK: I’m gonna step out for a smoke.
DAVE: ill come with
You throw away the trash and follow Dirk outside. He pulls a couple cigarettes out of his pocket and offers you one, which you take.
It’s not very cold out on its own, but the breeze makes you glad you’d brought a hoodie. Dirk, on the other hand, is just in a tank top, and is trying to mask his shivering. You silently curse June for being in control of the wind at all– even if she isn’t really controlling anything. You like the weather like this, though. Anything that isn’t blisteringly hot feels nice to you. You’re not sure if it’s a pro or a con of growing up in Texas.
DIRK: This is kind of fucked, isn’t it?
DAVE: whaddya mean
DIRK: Why’d you start smoking?
DIRK: How old were you?
DAVE: man dont be like this
DAVE: its not a big deal i promise
DIRK: I started because I saw my bro in old interviews, and how he was smoking, and thought he seemed so cool. I was desperate for that connection to him, or I wanted to be more like him, or whatever.
DIRK: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess something similar happened with you.
DIRK: Because I’m the kind of asshole who’d give a kid a cigarette.
DAVE: ok for the record you didnt give a kid anything
DAVE: do you think i wouldnt be able to choose to start myself
DIRK: Did you?
You toss the last half of your cigarette on the ground and crush what’s remaining under your shoe.
DAVE: nah
DAVE: *he* got me started way too young
DAVE: got me thinking itd be something cool to do and itd impress all my friends
DAVE: i think he wanted control or something
DAVE: using a chemical dependence to get me to do what he wanted
DAVE: rose found me smoking early on the meteor and freaked out
DAVE: so it didnt really win me any favors with anyone
DAVE: its probably pretty messed up i guess
DAVE: but hes dead and i know *you* wouldnt do shit like that
DIRK: Mhm.
Dirk steps out his cigarette butt. He rustles his hand in his pocket, but doesn’t pull out another one.
DAVE: look
DAVE: i think you should move in with me and karkat
DAVE: really
DAVE: i dont hate you and im not mad at you
DAVE: i wouldnt be offering if i couldnt stand being around you
DAVE: i wouldnt have chosen to be around you at all if you reminded me of him
DAVE: i promise
DIRK: I’m fine living alone.
DIRK: I’ve done it all my life. I can keep doing it.
DAVE: i thought that too
DAVE: about so much shit
DAVE: but trust me man you dont gotta keep putting up with a situation you hate just cause its what you know
DAVE: ive talked with karkat about it before hes okay with it
DAVE: i dont want you to be alone
DIRK: …
DIRK: Okay. Fine.
DIRK: But I’m keeping my apartment, and I get to go back to living alone whenever I feel like it.
DAVE: yeah ok
DAVE: we can stop by your apartment and grab like clothes or whatever youd need
DIRK: Okay.
You climb back into your car, and Dirk follows. As he’s going to buckle up, he stops.
DIRK: What do you mean you’ve talked about this with Karkat?
DIRK: Did you plan this?
DAVE: no!
DAVE: i know youve been doing bad for a while
DAVE: ive never gone to karkat and been like
DAVE: hey lets make dirk move in with us to take away his independence
DAVE: or whatever the hell
DAVE: but i dunno ive brought up the idea of offering you to move in
DAVE: in case things got really bad
DIRK: You’re putting me on suicide watch.
DAVE: its not like that
DIRK: What other reason could you have? You want to keep an eye on me. You don’t think I’m safe if I live on my own anymore.
DAVE: and what if i do
DAVE: is it bad for your friends and family to worry about you
DAVE: cuz i can tell youre pretty fucking depressed man
DAVE: and i dont wanna push any of the heroic/just immortality shit
DAVE: look you can leave whenever you want i swear
DAVE: i just
DAVE: i want you to know you dont have to be miserable all the time
DAVE: that the people around you want you to do okay
DAVE: and i mean youre not gonna get better right away i know that
DAVE: but they say the first step is admitting you have a problem
DIRK: …
DIRK: Take me home.
DIRK: My house.
DAVE: okay
You drive him home, in silence. You don’t bother to turn the radio on– more worried it’d make Dirk feel worse than anything else. You arrive at the apartment, and Dirk immediately unbuckles and gets out. Before he can shut the door, though, you get a final word in.
DAVE: dont-
DAVE: dont do anything stupid
DAVE: please
Dirk doesn’t respond, instead slamming your door shut. You make sure he gets inside, but don’t drive home immediately. Instead, you lean your head against the steering wheel, gripping it tight, and try not to scream.
You don’t want him to be mad at you. Really. You’ve fought so hard– both with him and your own fucked-up brain– to form a relationship with him. Because you care about him. You really, really hope you haven’t ruined whatever you two had going before.
You decide to text Karkat before you spiral into full self-pity.
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TG: hey think i might have fucked up
TG: ill be home soon dont worry
CG: IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
TG: tried to get dirk to move in with us
TG: he freaked out
TG: fuck dude you shouldve seen his apartment
TG: i dont know how he was living in that
TG: ill tell you more when i get home ok
CG: DRIVE SAFE.
TG: yep
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
You toss your phone in one car cupholder, and grab your pack of cigarettes out of the other. You light one, not bothering to roll the car windows down, and start your drive home.
Despite Karkat’s request, you drive faster than you normally would. You’re frustrated, and it lets out a bit of steam. Plus, you’d really like to get home and see Karkat again. You think whatever he tells you, regardless of how good or bad, would make you feel better. Maybe it’s just an extension of how much you love him.
You get home, stumble inside, and collapse on the couch. Laying face-down, you squeeze one of your throw pillows against your head. God, you can’t believe you’ve become the kind of guy that has throw pillows. Karkat peeks out of the bedroom, and stands at the arm of the couch. You sit up and scoot to the side so he can sit next to you.
You tell Karkat about what happened, and he nods along, providing biting commentary along the way. He’s so understanding about it, though. Sometimes you wonder what you must’ve done to get a guy like him in your life. If you weren’t the highest power in this world, you’re sure you’d be thanking it everyday for his presence in your life.
DAVE: so thats pretty much where we stand on the strider bullshit
KARKAT: HM.
DAVE: i feel like i should reach out and ask if hes okay
DAVE: but then hell really feel like hes being watched
DAVE: and i cant just apologize and say i think hes perfectly okay being isolated because he really isnt
KARKAT: HM HM HM.
KARKAT: WHAT IF YOU HAD SOMEONE ELSE REACH OUT TO HIM?
KARKAT: KEEP A LAYER OF PRIVACY? WHILE STILL GETTING WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR.
DAVE: hm
DAVE: that could work
DAVE: dyou know if hes talking to jake right now
KARKAT: I DON’T KEEP UP WITH THE DJ BULLSHIT.
DAVE: damn
DAVE: well i mean i dunno if jake would be our best bet there anyway considering
DAVE: he isnt the most
DAVE: delicate
KARKAT: TRUTH.
DAVE: oh shit roxy maybe
DAVE: shed listen to me and dirk trusts her i think
DAVE: gonna
DAVE: text her i think
KARKAT: DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU LOOK OVER IT? MAKE SURE YOU AREN’T SAYING SOMETHING REALLY STUPID?
DAVE: yes please
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --
TG: hey roxy i upset dirk pretty bad earlier and i was wondering if you could pretty please reach out to him for me
TG: you dont gotta tell me everything he says i just wanna know if he hates me or is about to kill himself i guess
TG: waht happend
TG: uh
TG: asked if he wanted to move in with me kind of implied i was putting him on suicide watch
TG: the specifics arent important i just fucked up ok
TG: ya ok i can ask
TG: anythang 4 my dearest babby boy
TG: jst a warnin he is kindof cagey even wit me
TG: i mean as long as i hear hes ok
TG: yuo got it!
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is now an idle chum! --
You set your phone down and give Karkat a thumbs-up. Karkat extends his arms, and you fall into them, resting in his lap.
KARKAT: WANNA WATCH SOMETHING? JUST TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THINGS?
You nod into his chest. Karkat leans over, carefully as to not disturb you, and flips the TV on, turning the channel to whatever reality garbage comes up first. You try very hard to not think about how you could’ve just ruined one of the most important relationships in your life– or at least set it back far enough to be seriously upsetting.
Halfway through the latest episode of Survivor or whatever Karkat put on, your phone buzzes. You almost pounce onto your phone with anticipation.
TG: dirks ok but i don think he lieked that u asked me to help
TG: sowwy
TG: fuck
-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
TT: Siccing Roxy on me? Seriously?
TT: What the fuck is your problem?
TT: What the fuck do you think MY problem is?
TT: Did you seriously think I’d get home and immediately blow my brains out?
TT: You couldn’t even ask me if I was okay yourself?
TG: im sorry
TG: really
TT: Shove it up your ass.
TG: goddamnit goddamnit
TG: i just want you to talk to me man
TG: i want to know youre ok
TG: and i thought id upset you worse if i messaged you myself
TG: cuz you seem pretty fuckin depressed to me and id like to be able to help you in whatever way i could
TG: cuz i like having you in my life
-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now an idle chum! –
TG: fuckkkkkkk
You toss your phone down and crumple your face into your hands.
DAVE: hes mad at me
DAVE: hes mad at me and he probably hates me and never wants to see me again
DAVE: what the fuck is my problem
KARKAT: HEY!
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT TRUE.
KARKAT: HAS SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED BEFORE WITH YOU TWO?
KARKAT: OR ANYONE, FOR THAT MATTER.
DAVE: …no
DAVE: but this time it feels different he feels mad like really mad
DAVE: and i cant keep texting him and i cant ask anyone to help and i cant go visit to make sure hes okay
DAVE: i just need to wait and make sure hes fine
DAVE: and its all my fucking fault
Karkat wraps his arms around you. He’s still willing to take your side, through what should inarguably be your own shittiness. You really, really don’t deserve a guy like him.
DAVE: i hate waiting
DAVE: especially for bullshit like this
DAVE: i wish i could do something about it now
KARKAT: I’LL BE HERE WHILE YOU WAIT.
KARKAT: I’M SURE HE DOESN’T HATE YOU. OR THAT HE’S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING.
DAVE: but how do you know
KARKAT: ‘CAUSE I’M TELLING YOU THE THINGS I’D LIKE TO HEAR IN YOUR SHOES.
DAVE: thanks
DAVE: i feel like i dont say that enough
KARKAT: YOU SAY IT PLENTY.
DAVE: yeah but is it enough
DAVE: with how much i feel like i owe you
Karkat kisses your forehead.
KARKAT: I THINK TALKING ABOUT THIS IN CIRCLES IS MAKING YOU FEEL WORSE.
DAVE: youre probably right
DAVE: fuck
You want to go on and on about how much you love Karkat, but choose to silently bury your face in his chest instead. He’s very warm– which is one of your favorite things about curling up against him.
DAVE: im gonna take a nap i think
KARKAT: OKAY.
KARKAT: SLEEP TIGHT. DON’T LET THE RECUPERATION GRUBS BITE
DAVE: you know it
You loosen yourself from Karkat’s grip, give him a couple pecks on the lips, and head to your bedroom. You can only hope you don’t dream, because you really don’t want to see what your brain would conjure up about this.
The doorbell wakes you up a few hours later. Karkat’s footsteps approach the door as you get out of bed and stretch, before heading to the door yourself.
Dirk is standing at the door, holding a couple bags.
DIRK: Hey. Uh…
DIRK: I think…
DIRK: I think you were right.
DIRK: Being so angry made me so… irrational?
DIRK: Felt like I needed to do something drastic, just to show it to you.
DIRK: And then it was like…
DIRK: Fuck, I am doing bad.
Dirk swallows. The bag in his hand is shaking with his hand.
DAVE: oh yeah come in
DAVE: im glad youre okay
DAVE: and that you dont like hate my guts or whatever
KARKAT: YEAH. I’M GLAD YOU SHOWED UP AFTER ALL.
DIRK: So, I’m sleeping on the couch, right?
DAVE: unless you want the floor
DAVE: or maybe the bathtub