Work Text:
Despite it being early in the afternoon, your mom is already passed out on the couch. You sigh and decide to ignore the dozens of textbooks she bought you when you made a simple mistake regarding ancient oceanic biology, but not before leaving the top one open on a page about the Cambrian explosion.
Walking up to your room, you sit at your desk, glancing to make sure your precious notebooks are still under your bed undisturbed. You open your laptop and see several messages from your friends, but you don’t really feel like answering them at the moment. Instead, you navigate to your favorite forum site.
You’ve been visiting this site for a few months and, at first, you were only visiting it occasionally to discuss literature. However, now, you’ve become captivated by a user who posts even more than you do and seems to not understand when you’re messing with her.
You read through her latest post on a thread about the popular book Twilight:
grimAuxiliatrix:
I Am Simply Stating A Fact When I Say That Vampires Would Not Be Able To Be Satiated With Animal Blood And I Do Not Know Why You Are Being So Stupid
This Is A Book For Serious People So If You Are Not Going To Think About It Critically Then Please Leave Immediately Or I Will Report You
I Do Agree That Alice Is A Better Fit For Bella Than Edward But Everything Else You Put Forth Is Foolish And Shortsighted
While you agree with grimAuxiliatrix, you chuckle at her overreaction to other people’s opinions. You place your hands on your keyboard and begin typing:
tentacleTherapist:
Good afternoon, grimAuxiliatrix. I see you’ve had quite a productive day arguing with people who will forget you in a heartbeat.
Care to give me your evidence for why vampires would need human blood? Is this not Stephanie Meyer’s choice? I don’t believe you’re the author of the hit novel Twilight, but please enlighten me if I am mistaken.
grimAuxiliatrix:
You Are Not Involved In This Conversation tentacleTherapist And Unless You Are Stupider Than I Thought You Are Well Aware That I Am Not Stephanie Meyer
I Will Answer Your Question Regardless As I Am A Gentlewoman And Don’t Like To Leave People Without Answers To Self-Evident Questions
If Vampires Were Able To Subsist Entirely Off Of Animal Blood They Would Not Be So-Called Monsters But Rather Another Variety Of Humans Since We Also Eat Animals So We Could Find A Way For Them To Drink The Blood Of Animals We Consume
tentacleTherapist:
You are right, I am aware that you are not Stephanie Meyer. This was an example of what you like to call “American Sarcasm.”
Regardless, as wonderful as that sounds as a way to more easily acquire kosher meat since the animal blood would be pre-drained, you seem to be ignoring the fact that vampires in the Twilight universe have powers that make them decidedly non-human.
I, personally, have never known a human who can read minds, have you?
grimAuxiliatrix:
You Are Being Facetious And Implying That Superheroes In General Are Not Human It Is As If You Have Never Heard Of Fiction
vampLover [Moderator]:
Ladies, you have been asked to stop publicly arguing with each other multiple times in the past. Please settle this matter in private where we do not have to read your nonsense. Let the rest of us have productive conversations without your meddling.
[You have been banned from responding to the thread.]
You let out a sigh as you try to count how many threads you have now been banned from before giving up.
You look around as the sounds of the real world trickle back into your consciousness. The rain has started pelting your window and you hear the fridge opening downstairs. You lay on your bed and imagine how the discussion between you and grimAuxiliatrix would have continued.
The sound of Pesterchum messages breaks your thought process, reminding you that you’ve been ignoring your friends for a few hours now. Dave is likely sending you psychosexual babble at the moment trying to get your attention.
You push yourself up to your elbows and turn to your computer, seeing a green shade that you don’t recognize as belonging to any of your friends. Your heart skips a beat. You hurry to your feet and approach the computer.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: I Hope Your Handle On Here Is The Same As In The Forum
GA: Rather I Hope I Am Not Bothering Some Random Person With The Same Strange Username As You
GA: But If This Is You Then I Would Like To Continue Our Discussion
GA: I Have More To Say On The Subject And I Have Been Prevented From Speaking Of It Further In The Thread
TT: Hello grimAuxiliatrix, lovely to hear from you.
TT: Perhaps it is time to properly introduce myself, my name is Rose, what’s your name?