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It's freezing in Toronto, it's horrible and biting and it often feels like winter will never end. It digs its claws into every bit of softness it can find and refuses to release no matter how much its victims thrash and plead.
Matt is never cold and Jay has never thrashed or pleaded for anything in his life but that doesn't mean he can't complain to Matt about it at every turn.
They've decided to stay in tonight, much to Matt's clear chagrin. They've being fighting about it all evening. Matt's already standing there on the sofa at the whiteboard with his mouth agape as Jay uses his soft, slightly higher pitched voice on him. It's the one reserved only for situations where he really needs to get what he wants and both he and Matt know it almost always works.
"Matt, we can't go out there tonight. It's dangerous, not worth it at all. Let's just-" he wants so badly to say 'play videogames' but he already knows that will make Matt roll his eyes and repeat the same line as always about how Jay's mom was right, he IS lazy. No, he has to think of something else to say if he really wants it to stick. "come up with a plan we can do at home." He looks down and then up to meet Matt's gaze under his lashes, giving him a subtle almost conspiratorial smile.
It isn't very late, hardly past the time when most people are getting up from dinner. Just past sunset in the part of winter when it always feels so much later than it really is. Jay absently looks out of the window towards the buildings across the street. Vague impressions of their contents play out in his mind. A bachelor with a single leather arm chair and dinner's utensils in the sink. A young mother tripping over a brightly colored toy on the way to the bathtub. An old couple already dozing off to reruns. A teenager combing out her honeyed hair in front of a mirror.
Matt cuts in abrasively, "Bird! Jay! Helloooo are you even hearing me right now? You don't get to be such a girl about the cold and then completely ignore me, that's not how any of this works" Jay can hear the faux outrage building in Matt's voice. He could easily make Matt smile if he wanted to, even now. That statement is always true.
"Sorry, yeah. Yeah I'm still with you" he's walking over to his piano bench now and placing his fingers on the keys, instinctively aware of the precise weight of each of them underneath his fingertips.
Jay can see Matt scribbling "cold calling" onto the whiteboard frenetically.
"Okay so here's the plan, we call people, just at random, like local numbers and shit and tell them that we are playing a show at the Rivoli. Statistically, at least some of them are bound to show up and demand to see us right?" Matt pauses and looks at Jay with wide, expectant eyes. Searching Jay's face for some kind of queue to keep going.
"Right, I'm following." Jay speaks soft and slow and Matt likes it that way. Jay can always tell by the way Matt's eyes shine at him, like it's something secret.
"And we'll be there, at the Rivoli, waiting for everyone to start getting pissed about wanting to see our show, right? And then we can step in and say 'yes, we're here to save your asses, I guess we can find some time to play here tonight, give the people what they want'." Matt's almost out of breath as he closes out the last bit. Jay can see the less subtle rise and fall of his chest underneath his blazer and unconsciously listens in more closely to his breathing. It's a habit Jay almost never even realizes he's doing in the moment, listening to Matt's breath. Usually just uses it to guide his piano work. Chasing the soft sounds of Matt's body with his fingers on the keys.
"I don't know Matt, you know I'm not very good on the phone. I don't like calling strangers, it makes me, I don't know, uncomfortable." He's using shadows of his special inflection now but hasn't fully committed to it. Doesn't want Matt to accuse him of whining already. "Besides, how will we even get all the numbers?"
"Jesus Christ, come on Bird, can't you just let anything run smoothly? Use your brain, this is easy. Just dial the area code, then the next few variations of numbers we already know, and dial randoms for the last 4." Matt gives him a look like he just told him the most obvious thing in the world.
Jay feels the slight twinge of a coil deep in his core. If he's being honest, he knows he isn't exactly the best or the brightest. Not like Matt, Matt can always think of something, he solves problems without even trying, he moves through life so sure and so quick. Jay can vividly remember the first time he overheard his mother use the word "slow" to describe him. Her voice tight and thin. Defeated.
"Oh, well yeah, that's what I was assuming but I didn't know if you had maybe thought of something better." Tries to keep his voice breezy, nonchalant. Tries to convey that of course he doesn't need Matt to think of everything, he can always get there on his own too.
But Matt probably already knows how he's feeling because he always does, of course he does. He has this uncanny ability to instantly see straight through one side of Jay to the other. Sometimes Jay notices that Matt even tries to downplay how well he knows Jay, almost like Matt doesn't want to embarrass him by knowing him so intimately.
And if Jay's being honest, sometimes it does embarrass him. The way Matt can always cut directly into his warm, gooey center and decide whether he wants to take whatever's inside out into the light or just leave it in, untouched for him alone.
"Okay, great. Let's try one, I'll show you how it's done." Matt's voice isn't exactly cocky, he seems genuinely excited to show Jay what he can do. As if Jay needs to be shown anything, he has spent more of his life with Matt than without him, there's hardly anything about Matt that could take him by surprise. Plus talking is one of the things Matt is best at, of course this would come naturally to him.
Matt looks down and punches in the numbers, waits with the sort of kinetic energy Jay always thought in some alternate universe could turn lights on and off with the sheer electricity of it.
"Hello" Jay can just barely hear the voice on the other end as the call is answered. He leans in closer to Matt, close enough that he can feel his breathing and smell the hard candy in his mouth and hear the soft click of his teeth rolling it around as he speaks.
"Hi my name is Matt Johnson and I'm in a band called Nirvanna the band and I just wanted to give you an exclusive invitation to our show at the Rivoli." Jay leans in a bit closer because he can't quite make out what's being said on the other end. He's completely in Matt's space now, can feel the warmth radiating off of him. Even in sub 0 temps Matt is always warm. He briefly imagines a golden aura surrounding him, if he's close enough to Matt it's almost like he's allowed inside. Very few people touch Matt, he might actually be the only one.
Matt smells like cheap orange bar soap and cherry jolly ranchers. Jay tries not to listen to the way Matt's mouth nervously works over the candy, clinking and wet as the confused woman on the other end proceeds to ask how they got this number.
Matt blows out a breath as he prepares to respond and Jay swears he can almost taste the candy in his own mouth.
"Well, you were randomly selected to -" Jay can hear the click of call ending. Matt looks up and smiles at him, sort of incredulous, like he can't believe there would be anyone in the world who wasn't excited to hear him talk.
"Whatever. Her loss. You want to try this next one?" Jay can hear in his voice that he already knows the answer and also that said answer doesn't matter because Matt has already decided that's what's happening and when Matt decides something it's final.
"Does it even matter if I say no?" Jay tries to sound a bit more pathetic and resigned, trying to give Matt the hint that he actually doesn't want to do it. Phone calls really do bring out the worst and most awkward parts of him.
"You can do it Bird! But you've gotta seduce them a little bit you know what I mean? Use a little of that sex appeal you're always trying to brag about, make them want it." His voice sounds teasing and light. Jay thinks that there are very few things Matt could say that would actually make him angry in any way that matters.
"Look I'll dial the number for you and when I hand you the phone, you really give it to them. Make them want it. Really make them want us, man, you can do it." He's toeing the line between being sarcastic and genuine as closely as he can, it's Matt's favorite place to exist, that blurry space between fiction and reality.
Jay watches as Matt punches in 3 different numbers before getting to one that actually rings. He has long fingers, Jay focuses on the exact point where they make contact with the phone. Deftly tap tap tapping. They're still sitting so close that Matt almost knocks into him as he swings chaotically back around to hold the phone out to Jay.
It's a woman's voice on the other end, unsure if she should even be answering a random call. Matt makes an enthusiastic 'come on!' motion with his hands and leans into Jay.
"Hi, I'm, yeah this is, my name is," Jay almost finds himself blurting out Matt's name instead of his own, abandons that line of the pitch immediately. "Um, do you like live music? Nirvanna the band will be at the Rivoli on Queen Street West, one night only, it's going to be -" he's floundering, Matt is making movements with his hands that border on hysteria, like trying to bail water from a clearly sinking ship. "...it's going to be fantastic, you'll..." Matt is whispering frantically in his other ear, he's sure the woman can hear the vague fast cadence of Matt's voice,. Jay can't quite make out what Matt is saying, he feels overstimulated. He remembers the weight of the headphones his mother used to give him, heavy over his ears.
"You won't regret it. Rivoli, Queen Street, Nirvanna the band" Jay is decently sure the woman has already hung up on him.
Jay looks up, sheepish, he knows that was a brutal performance. He's almost hesitant to even look at Matt, embarrassed and shy.
"Jaybird that was...you need work. Let's do some roleplay, can we do some roleplay?" Matt is still so close, he gets a glimpse of his red tongue, stained from the candy. He smells like chemically induced cherry and spit. An image of those novelty lollipops with dried scorpions encased inside their glassy sugar tombs quickly passes through Jay's mind.
"Roleplay? What does that even mea-" Matt cuts him off before he can finish his sentence.
"You go in the other room with your phone and I'll call you. Make me fucking want you Bird, show me that you can get people to buy what we're selling. Seduce me, we're going to be famous, remember? We're going to play the Rivoli, so show me how it's done." Matt almost sounds breathless, he's speaking quickly without pauses somewhere between a shout and hiss. There's a strange energy buzzing between them tonight.
Jay sighs and grabs his phone from the dusty top of his piano and starts making his way towards his bedroom so he can be alone and get whatever this is over with. He swears sometimes Matt just likes to put him in uncomfortable and embarrassing situations, to teach him some kind of lesson that never resonates.
He doesn't even bother shutting his door all the way, he never really does these days. If he's honest, both of them have stopped pretending to care about the decorum of privacy when they're alone in the apartment. They piss and shower with the door halfway open most of the time, Matt stands just outside the threshold and talks to Jay while he rinses the shampoo out of his hair almost every morning. Jay tries not to think about how easy it is to close the door whenever he's around anyone else.
The cameras are gone, weather's supposed to get bad and Matt reluctantly told everyone else they could leave a couple hours ago. The house never feels emptier when they leave somehow, just slightly more quiet. Matt loves filling spaces with himself. Jay likes the way Matt isn't afraid to occupy every empty room with his presence, even though he'd never tell that to Matt.
Jay sits down on his rumpled, unwashed sheets. Doesn't even really remember the last time he bothered to make his bed, he really should try to find the time when he isn't so tangled up in Matt's bullshi-
His phone screen lights up with Matt's shirtless caller ID picture. Jay vaguely remembers Matt insisting that they use those ridiculous photos for each other's contacts. Jay insisted it was weird, Matt insisted it wasn't, Jay never stood a chance.
"Hello?" Jay immediately feels embarrassed, something about the vague formality of it immediately taking him from his comfort zone.
"Hi, I heard something about a show at the Rivoli, tell me about it." Jay can immediately tell Matt is playing it completely straight for now but that there's a challenge somewhere in his voice, barely concealed.
"Yeah, yes! There's a show at the Rivoli. Nirvanna the band, you've never seen anything like it. Music, suspense, action, we've got it al-" Matt cuts in, quick and sharp.
"Will there be hot girls there? Will coming to this get me laid, is this that kind of a show?" The edge in Matt's voice sounds like he's daring Jay to say the wrong thing.
Jay goes red, which is ridiculous all things considered. It's just Matt messing with him, trying to get a rise, he should know by now not to feed into it. He can't ever help himself. He thinks of the way Matt's candy dissolves into his mouth.
"Well I've heard the piano player is pretty good looking, I think there might be some girls interested after watching him play." It's a complete travesty how small his voice sounds, he knows Matt will immediately smell that weakness and push harder; like he's trying to make a bruise inside Jay's mind.
Laughter rings out through Jay's phone speaker, sharp and biting. "Oh is that right? Well a little Birdie told me that guy doesn't know what the fuck he's doing in bed, says he just recycles lines from cheap pornos and looks like he's trying to eat the girls' faces when he kisses them."
"Matt," trying to sound threatening in the face of something that's so clearly made of the poison that can instantly kill you isn't easy, "don't."
He doesn't want to lash out too hard because he knows Matt well enough to know that he'll just push back even harder if he thinks he's being attacked. He doesn't ever know when to stop.
"Oh no what's the matter, cat got Birdie's tongue? I thought you said all the girls want you, why don't you make me believe that?" This has clearly taken a turn, Jay's face is getting warm and he can feel the flush spreading down his neck onto his chest. They haven't played this game in a long time.
Memories flash through Jay's mind, quick, impressionistic, too fleeting to hold onto, slipping through his fingers like sand through an hourglass.
He's 19, he's away at school, he's in a room with a girl Matt doesn't know, her mouth is on him, it's too dark to see, even in his memory of himself he's thinking about how he needs to pay attention so he can remember the details for Matt.
Then it's late, he's 19, he's on the phone, he's alone. Matt's voice is mean, "Did you even fuck her Jaybird? How did she want it, what did she call you, how did she taste, what did you sound like?" Jay, painfully hard in his own hand, embarrassed, answering the invasive questions like he was born to do this. Born to tell Matt everything he shouldn't want to know.
"I did. She wanted it, um, slow and deep. She was like 'yeah Jay, give it all to me' and I was saying 'that's it, take it, take it." Even now, in his memories, Jay can't discern if Matt is angry or not. "She tasted like...like the way girls' lotion smells, chemically sweet. I think I sounded right, breathing hard like you told me to." His voice quiet and low, he can feel himself throb to the sound of Matt's laughter, cruel and cutting.
And now here he is, Matt's still on the other line. "Earth to Bird, you're failing the test, don't go nonverbal now we haven't even gotten to the good part." Matt's loud, Jay can hear him from two places at once, his phone and the open door. He feels surrounded.
Jay clears his throat, he thinks Matt has him exactly where he wants him but even Jay himself isn't really sure where that is, what he really wants out of this. But his face is red and his jeans are starting to feel uncomfortable and tight and he wants to say the right thing, it has been a long time.
"Right, sorry. Um yeah, I think the girls will like it. Maybe I could even, I don't know, wink and undo an extra button, give them something to look at." Saying any of this out loud feels absurd, there haven't been any girls in a long time. They both know it.
"Oh, is that right? You're really gonna give em a show, eh Jaybird? You're gonna have to do more than that now, you know, what with everyone being so desensitized. It's a filthy culture out there these days, if you want attention you have to earn it." Matt almost sounds genuinely encouraging and Jay can tell he's smiling. He thinks of Matt's teeth showing, sugar sweet, slightly oversized. He's aching and his free hand is starting to palm at it. Hates how much he enjoys this game, keenly aware of how he always loses.
He imagines them up on stage, shining with sweat under the lights. Listening to Matt's voice, letting him guide the music, chasing all his intonations, being absorbed by the soundtrack of Matt's mind. When he pictures unbuttoning his shirt there aren't any girls anymore, they've all been lost to time and the dizzy existence Matt tirelessly curates for him. Even in his mind Matt can't take his eyes off him
"Yeah but come on Matt, I can't just give it away to everyone for free, you know how it is for me." He's fully playing it up now even though he knows he shouldn't, that this is dangerous territory. The heel of his hand is pressed firmly against the bulge between his legs, he can't help the way this makes him feel and when he's being honest with himself (almost never) it's what he's always chasing.
"Aw of course I do, you're shy! Shy little Birdie, thinks everyone will stop to fawn over him when he blushes like a virgin and finally shows some skin." The sound of Matt's voice carries easily through the whole apartment, Jay knows he could recognize it anywhere.
"Yeah Matt, I am, I'm so shy sometimes, that's why I need..." he's shamefully unbuttoning his pants to make more room for his hand, "that's why I need you." He's sure Matt can recognize the distinct quality of this voice even though it has been years since he last heard it.
Matt fucking giggles into the phone at this. It doesn't quite sound derisive but there's something kind of wrong behind it. Like Matt has maybe gotten a little bit hysterical. Jay squeezes himself listening to him.
"Oh but once you get attention you're pretty easy, right? All it takes is a little bit of praise, some compliments, some eye contact, and you'd just give it all away, right? Isn't that how this usually works for you?"
Jay's brain all but short circuits hearing the word "easy" come out of Matt's mouth like that. He has to reluctantly still his hand because it's becoming too much already.
"I don't, I'm not -" but his voice is giving him away, Matt can probably smell it on him from the other room.
"Shhh it's okay Jaybird, I won't tell anyone, it can just stay between us, between friends. I mean we're both guys, right? You don't have to hide from me." The tone of Matt's voice makes him feel raw, too honest, he feels like he's suffocating, maybe this is why people like to be choked.
"I guess, I mean, maybe, yeah" He's burned, he's burning, he's still on fire.
"Yeah what, Jay? What are you trying to tell me? That a little bit of flattery would be enough to get your legs open? I can't believe what I'm hearing right now! Speak up so I know what I'm dealing with here." It's always like this, Matt painfully unaffected while he can't help but to completely unravel.
"I'm just saying what you said Matt, I like compliments, I like being good" he physically bites his tongue to keep the words 'for you' from dripping out of his mouth and directly into Matt's clutches. His jeans are ruined, he's so starved for it he can barely hold himself back.
"See, that wasn't so hard, eh? Listen, I'll let this slide for you, I'm going to be nice because I can tell you're a little sensitive about it. How about we practice, okay? To make sure you don't completely cream yourself the moment someone gives you the slightest bit of positive attention." Matt's voice sounds a little lower than usual, like he's telling Jay a secret.
Jay pumps himself twice before he can even answer. "Yeah Matt, that's good, we can do that." He's not hiding how breathless and out of it he is anymore, chasing the sound of Matt's voice like always.
"Listen Jay, you be yourself and I'll be some...some stupid groupie, yeah? Okay here we go," but what Jay wants is to cut in and say 'please just be you. You be Matt and I'll be Jay and you can tell me all the nice things that get you whatever you want from me' but he just grinds his hips forward and bites his own tongue.
"Ooh Jay, you were so good, you're so talented, your chest hair gets me so hot, I can't wait to suck your dick" in his stupid sexist high pitched voice. Matt can't ever fucking help himself, he's a disease on this Earth. Jay can't stand him.
"Not like that, that's not..." Jay stumbles over his words, "I don't like that" is what eventually comes out, simple and dumb.
"God you're such a fucking princess Bird. Ok ok let me try again, let me get into character, hold on, here it is." Jay is ashamed by how he can't help but hang from every word that comes out of Matt's stupid pink plush mouth.
"You followed direction so well up there, that was really impressive. I've never seen anyone do that the way you do, it's like you guys are in each other's heads when you're playing together, how do you do it?" Matt's voice sounds deadly serious for the first time all night. Jay feels like his heart is beating hard enough Matt can hear it from the other room.
"Well I owe a lot of it to my bandmate, Matt. He knows..." He can feel himself leaking onto his fingers, "he knows me better than anyone. He takes care of me up there." He takes care of me, he takes such good care of me, I couldn't do anything without him, I'd never move again if I was alone.
"Aww Jaybird that's so sweet! But this is about you, remember? Let's try again, take 3, aaaand action!" Matt's playful but Jay waits with baited breath, rubbing circles over the slick with the palm of his hand. Waiting to see where Matt's going to take him next.
"Pretend it's me, it's after the show, everyone's chanting our names, we just got off the stage, okay?" He knows Matt can hear him panting into the speaker by this point.
"Okay I'm listening." His voice is tight in his throat.
"Jay, this is it, we made it, you were incredible, they're all eating out of the palms of our hands, man. And you look like a, like a fucking rockstar Jay, all because you finally listened to me. You're so good at doing what I say sometimes, aren't you Birdie? You're so obedient, you're so good at knowing what I want even when I don't tell you, I don't have to tell you anything, you just know." Matt's such a good actor when he wants to be, it's something that drives Jay crazy.
"Yeah Matt, that's...that's so good. It feels so good, doing whatever you want" 'Moan' wouldn't be an inaccurate way to describe how the words sound coming out of his mouth, he doesn't even sound like himself.
"Yeah man, you're just like if some stupid piano genius, if some videogame addicted loser, was my fucking...my fucking wife Birdie." The sincerity almost makes Jay finish on the spot.
"Fuck, Matty. MJ, you can't, you can't talk like that, I'm so" he can literally feel himself tipping over the edge, stumbling into oblivion. He's falling down an endless well, he's making webs between his fingers, he's choking on the candy already inside of Matt's body, he's going to die.
When it happens he feels like his entire body is on fire, he can't hold back. He's whining Matt's name, he's the girl in the cheap porno, he's a dog straining against its chain until it finally collapses from exhaustion. It feels like it's never going to end.
When he finally comes down, Jay can see his heartbeat through the meat of his chest. He lays in a puddle of his own filth and thinks idly about how, if he were ever on his own, he would never have to move again, he could waste away and no one would even have to know.
"You good Bird? You didn't like actually die, did you?" Jay can already hear Matt's feet shuffling around down the hall, possibly already coming to check on him.
"No, no I'm still here. I'm sorry." It's what he says when he can't think of anything else to say, an unfortunate habit.
"Ok good, now come back down here with me so we can finish working out this plan. I have a good feeling about it. And let's order food." He says it with the nonchalance of someone who hasn't just pushed his best friend off a cliff and directly into the abyss, like it's the most natural thing in the world.
"Sure Matt, I'll see you in a minute." He hangs up and stares at the cracks in the corner of his ceiling, their ceiling. He can already hear Matt's voice calling for takeaway, didn't even ask Jay what he wanted and still picked the right place.
If the building were to collapse on them, Jay thinks they'd both make it out unscathed. It's the only possible outcome. He wipes his hands on his sheets and follows Matt's voice.