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DAVE: so whats the deal with those horns
KARKAT: EXCUSE ME?
DAVE: is it an evolutionary thing
DAVE: did you descend from like
DAVE: troll goats
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL IS A GOAT.
DAVE: its a tiny creature with horns
DAVE: just like you
KARKAT: !!!
KARKAT: HOW DARE YOU!
DAVE: hey no harm intended goats are chill
DAVE: well actually idk i think they have a reputation for butting their heads into people very violently
DAVE: do you do that is that what the horns are for
KARKAT: NO!
DAVE: yeah i guess yours wouldnt really do much damage anyway
DAVE: with how small they are and all
KARKAT: …
DAVE: but seriously what are they for it cant just be for the coolness factor
DAVE: like thats a valid enough reason if i was making some deviantart furry oc but you guys actually exist something had to occur to make that shit appear
DAVE: what are they even made out of they look like candy corn
DAVE: do they taste like candy corn
DAVE: i kinda wanna taste them now
DAVE: ok that came out weird i dont actually wanna lick your horns or anything
DAVE: just in case thats some weird social taboo or sex thing for trolls
DAVE: or i mean i wouldnt do it anyway
DAVE: like again i dunno how your troll society works but humans dont really tend to go around licking random peoples body parts
DAVE: so like
DAVE: overall not interested in licking any part of you
DAVE: just to make that abundantly clear
KARKAT: ARE YOU UNDER SOME SORT OF ANCIENT, UNBREAKABLE CURSE THAT MAKES YOU INCAPABLE OF SHUTTING THE FUCK UP?
KARKAT: LIKE, I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED AT HOW LONG THIS HAS GONE ON FOR.
KARKAT: IT'S A BIT IMPRESSIVE. IN A SAD, PATHETIC WAY, BUT STILL.
KARKAT: WOULD YOU EVEN NOTICE IF I JUST SLINKED AWAY QUIETLY FROM THIS… I CAN'T EVEN CALL IT A CONVERSATION. A SOLILOQUY, PERHAPS? WOULD YOU CONTINUE BABBLING ON ABOUT THIS INANE BULLSHIT TO YOURSELF?
DAVE: woah dude these are pressing issues im presenting here
DAVE: im advancing the cultural exchange between our species right now
DAVE: any time you wanna chime in and imbue me with your troll wisdom im all ears
KARKAT: OH, I'M SORRY.
KARKAT: I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE IN A KIND OF TRANCE-LIKE STATE UNABLE TO PERCEIVE OF THE WORLD AROUND YOU WITH HOW INTENTLY YOU WERE LISTENING TO YOURSELF FOR A MINUTE STRAIGHT.
KARKAT: I WASN'T AWARE I COULD JUST “CHIME IN”.
KARKAT: COLOR ME A FOOL OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER.
DAVE: i get it man its an earnest mistake not everyone is able to keep up with a mind this sharp
DAVE: but yeah any time you wanna add anything go ahead give it to me straight
KARKAT: WELL, IF YOU SO KINDLY INSIST.
KARKAT: TO ADDRESS THE “PRESSING ISSUES” YOU BROUGHT UP IN YOUR NEUROTIC RAMBLE,
KARKAT: YES, HORNS DO EXIST FOR A REASON. NO, THEY'RE NOT FOR LICKING.
KARKAT: …AND IT'S HONESTLY KIND OF DISTURBING HOW LONG YOU WENT ON FOR ABOUT THAT SPECIFIC POINT.
DAVE: hey you cant blame a guy for getting curious
DAVE: like its not even just the color your horns are even shaped like candy corn
DAVE: well maybe TZs are more proportionate
DAVE: yours are a bit too short
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: CAN YOU STOP THAT.
DAVE: what
KARKAT: MAKING COMMENTS ABOUT THE SIZE. OF MY HORNS.
DAVE: oh shit wait is it actually a sex thing
DAVE: its cool man size doesnt matter love yourself no matter what
KARKAT: NO!! IT'S NOT A SEX THING!!!
DAVE: oh okay
KARKAT: WELL… NOT EXACTLY, ANYWAY.
DAVE: can i still drop out of the troll biology crash course or am i just along for the ride now
KARKAT: HEY, YOU ASKED FOR MY INPUT! I'M JUST DOING WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO!
KARKAT: ALSO, IT'S NOT EVEN THAT WEIRD. NOT AS WEIRD AS YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING, ANYWAY.
DAVE: i think troll and human standards for weirdness differ pretty massively but go on i guess
KARKAT: RIGHT.
KARKAT: SO, ALTHOUGH HORNS *CAN* BE USED AS A WEAPON OF SORTS IN VERY RARE SITUATIONS,
DAVE: i knew it
KARKAT: HORNS *MOSTLY* SERVE THE PURPOSE OF SHOWING HOW “SUITABLE” A TROLL IS AS A POTENTIAL MATE.
KARKAT: SHAPES CAN VARY QUITE A LOT, BUT OVERALL THE LONGER THE HORNS, THE MORE IDEAL.
KARKAT: GENERALLY SPEAKING, THE LENGTH AND SHAPE OF A TROLL'S HORNS, ALONG WITH WHERE THEY FALL ON THE BLOOD CASTE SYSTEM, OR HEMOSPECTRUM, CONTRIBUTE TO HOW SOUGHT AFTER THEY MAY BE, THOUGH THERE'S WAY MORE NUANCE TO IT THAT I WON'T GO INTO RIGHT NOW.
KARKAT: I'M JUST SIMPLIFYING THINGS SO YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN THINKPAN DOESN'T SHRIVEL UP AND DIE FROM THE INFORMATION OVERLOAD IT WOULD EXPERIENCE.
KARKAT: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT, BY THE WAY.
DAVE: so what im getting is
DAVE: size DOES matter
KARKAT: …SURE, YEAH.
DAVE: goddamn
DAVE: so youre like
DAVE: pretty unlucky then huh
KARKAT: THANKS FOR PUTTING THAT SO SUCCINCTLY.
DAVE: no problem man
DAVE: hey speaking of the whole blood color thing that trolls have going on
DAVE: is yours gray?
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: i just mean
DAVE: is your blood also gray like the symbol on your shirt
DAVE: cause from what ive gathered thats how it works for you guys right?
KARKAT: WELL, NO, THERE'S NO G–
KARKAT: …………
DAVE: …
DAVE: uhh
DAVE: are you gonna finish what you were saying or leave it as a shitty cliffhanger of a sentence
KARKAT: IT'S… NOTHING. JUST IGNORE WHAT I SAID.
DAVE: youre leaving?
KARKAT: YES. I NEED TO, UM, GO. DO STUFF. VERY IMPORTANT STUFF. THAT I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED TO DO.
DAVE: alllllright
DAVE: cya later i guess
KARKAT: YUP.