Work Text:
Honk you Kylo why are you making me do this
In this TWELVE. PAGE. ESSAY. I will be going over, and explaining, how Scaramouche is better than the other harbingers. Because he is better, and he deserves the recognition. This is what happens when you tell me to practically info dump about my all-time favorite character.
Notes by the Editors
“I found this whole thing to be concerning (some parts more than others), but I made the edit suggestions anyway. You are welcome.”
- Maddy
“I have never worked on an essay harder than this before, not even for school. This has to be one of my finest works I have ever and will ever write.”
- Lutz
Section 1: The Public’s Opinion
I have interviewed a couple of people to show you that the popular opinion is that Scaramouche is the favorite, and you, Kylo, are in the minority. Therefore, you are severely irrelevant and misguided. You should educate yourself before you make obtuse accusations and non-factual statements.
Cayleb (wrong and stupid): “Venti is better. Because Venti…” ( This does not give a valid reason as to why Venti is better, and this comment is completely unrelated.)
Galaxy: “I have immensely positive feelings towards Scaramouche, and I love him.” (Not as much as me though.)
Luna (also wrong and stupid) : “Mid.”
My teacher: “I agree with Tobi, and I think he is amazing as well.”
Rey (right, so right. why would anyone disagree with her) : “He is absolute perfection and the definition of a picturesque human being.”
Ozzers: “He looks cool. I would be his friend forever.”
Bavid: “Hot.”
Moeneeka: “Yes.”
Lutz: “In my opinion, I think that Scaramouche is one of the best and most well-rounded characters in the Geshin game. He has a multitude of redeeming qualities, which is more than I can say for the other characters present.”
Cayce: “His hat can be utilized as a dish, and that is quite convenient. Also, his mother is hot.”
Section 2: Content
Section two compares the length of time the character Dottore has appeared with the length of time that Scaramouche has.
The only other harbingers that actually have in-game screen time other than Scaramouche are Childe and Dottore. Childe is a ginger, which discredits him in general, so we will not care about him or what he stands for. He is foul, unsightly, and probably pees himself. Furthermore, Dottore hasn’t made people fall to their knees sobbing because of a very depressing and relatable cutscene, has he? No, he has not, which is why Scara is better. We have seen more of Scaramouche in the game, and he had a whole event that revolved around him. Dottore has shown up for less than five minutes which is a comparatively minuscule amount of time compared to Scara.
Scara’s cutscene was very heartfelt and made me experience various emotions. I had been anticipating that moment for a long time, and it is safe to say that I was not disappointed. It was very well written, and the voice acting was so good I could feel the emotions through the screen. Meanwhile, Dottore was present for a short period of time, and that was just to flaunt his moobs.
Section 3: The Other Harbingers
Section 3 goes over the ten other Harbingers and why they are not greater than or equal to Scaramouche, and why they will never come close to him.
Starting off with Capitano. Smash. I understand that extremely gargantuan, buff men are quite alluring and attractive, but he may be too big. What if you are in the same bed together, and he rolls over? The sheer size of him would flatten you like a hydraulic press. Now you may want that to happen, but statistically speaking the chance of surviving this, without devastating crush injuries, are slim to none. I have to keep this child-friendly due to the fact that I am writing this on my school laptop, but you can guess what else I would imply as well. Now Scara is the perfect size. Even if you were still somehow smaller than him, you wouldn’t have to worry about him injuring you severely.
The second harbinger that I am going to be talking about is Pulcinella. Pass. Personally, big noses are not my thing, and I think you would most certainly find yourself agreeing with me. There is nothing practical about it. People with exceptionally large noses are prone to breaking them more, and if you went in for a kiss with him, his nose would probably get in the way and make it uncomfortable and difficult to initiate. Also, he’s just ugly and is a seemingly worthless person.
Next off on the list is Signora. Pass. She is dead, and there is nothing else to say about that.
Fourth of all, Arlecchino. Smash. She is extremely appealing and easy on the eyes. Others and I would let her do things, but this still does not compare to Scaramouche. Why you may ask? The main reason for that is because currently, Scaramouche has more personality. Although she is an important factor in the storyline, Arleccino was only in a 4-minute and 19 seconds long video in contrast to Scara who has more than 15 minutes of screen time. My fav is in the game and urs isn't L + ratio. Real also Arlecchino and Scaramouche can both have me at once tbh. Me too omg
Likewise to Arlecchino, the other harbingers such as Columbina (smash), Pierro (smash), Pantalone (smash), and Sandrone (pass) do not have much story or character beyond the surface. The only thing going for them right now is their appearance. (REAL)
Dottore (smash) is still a slave to the Tsaritsa while Scaramouche ran away and is now an independent king. Dottore is also not an omniscient being, which is a big disadvantage. Not to mention, he also caused Collei to have severe psychological issues which she still suffers from to this day. Did Scaramouche traumatize a child?
NO! HE’D NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG EVER!!!!
Exactly, because he is full of personality, and he is actually a fascinating and IMPORTANT character in the storyline as of right now. And he will most likely continue to be important later as well.
Last and most definitely least, The Ginger…
Childe is a white man with ginger hair, and that alone should be enough to convince you that he's worse than Scaramouche, and perhaps every other character as well. Still, I suppose I shall go further into it. Childe is so putrid and his stench would undoubtedly cause anybody to be on the edge of suffocation while in his presence. Even if you were a mile away, you would still be able to smell him, and he probably smells worse than the creatures he fishes for. The smell absolutely just lingers around him.
Pass.
I also know for a fact that he acquired some lice either during or after his time in the Abyss. So if the stench was not enough to drive you away, the lice definitely will. There is undoubtedly something crawling around up there, and it probably got into his brain as he is a little stupid.
Section 4: Scaramouche
Scaramouche is truly the most perfect character I could ever think of. The combination of his design and lore is impeccable. Hoyoverse teased us with very limited snippets of him throughout the progression of the game, but when they officially debuted him, it was entirely worth the impending kickoff of one of the best harbingers in existence. Erm, he is also really hot. And his voice is extremely soothing. He is excellent with kids, so he can have mine any day. (Rey edit): I am upliking this.
I can also appreciate his boss form very much. I would love to let you know my full thoughts on it, but I fear it would be breaking some law or rule I don’t know of, and I'll be grabbed by the neck and dragged down to the fiery pits of Hell. He also seems very flexible, and I’d love a demonstration of what exactly he can do.
Also, did your fave’s voice actor make a very persuasive commercial for Dominos? NO. By the way, I’m sorry that your team didn’t win the Superbowl, but you can still go big with Domino's 2 for $15! Just go ahead and pick up the phone, wipe your tears, call the number, and just drown your sorrows in pepperoni and cheese.
You wouldn't even be able to say anything bad about him because there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, and if you try, it would just be invalid because I am always right, and he is perfect. To top it all off he has a magnificent mother.
His mother is elegant, and with every step she takes, she exudes power and strength. I bet your faves are motherless L. Her Excellency was the one who created Scaramouche, and I am very grateful to her for that. I applaud her for being able to make a completely perfect being, even if she did not see him that way. I do hope that one day they will make up because it will be even more emotional if they do reconcile. You can also tell where he got his otherworldly looks from.
Anyway, back to Scaramouche.
Currently, the other Harbingers appear to have very repetitive or boring outfits, and it is not doing them any justice. Scaramouche, on the other hand, is dressed in very aesthetically pleasing clothing. The color palette is very lovely, and it fits him flawlessly. The hat and veil are a marvelous combination, and in my humble opinion, it is clear what finishes the entire look and is what makes it unique.
All in all, I hope you do reevaluate your unbiased opinions, and consider dropping everyone else in favor of Scaramouche. I spent three days working on this and taking every second that I could to perfect this instead of doing something better with my life just to please you Kylo. I am never opening up Google Docs ever again.