Chapter Text
It was only after he’d been attending these classes for the past few months that the instructor had asked him out for drinks. “Don’t worry, babes, it’s not like that, all my friends will be there,” he quickly corrected with a smug little smile and a scrunched up nose, but Stede didn’t miss the way he’d tacked on the little term of endearment. That was a new one, he hadn’t heard it before, and he wasn’t sure if that was because the instructor, Lucius was his name, was nearly twenty years younger than him or because he was significantly more gay. Not that Stede was— well, nevermind that.
At first, he denied the offer, because how could he possibly go out for the night in not so much sweaty but still not particularly clean fitness clothes—rather unflattering baby blue shorts and a plain tee. The only possible way this outfit might be flattering was if he had blue eyes, which maybe he did, but they were probably more green than blue, more hazel than green actually. The point being, maybe the shorts worked to bring out the blue in his eyes that quite possibly wasn’t there in the first place… He wasn’t usually this disorganized, in fact he prided himself on his organizational skills—everything had a home and everything in its home and all that—prided himself on looking nice and dressing the part, any part really, the nice part preferably. But he’d been trying something new. More specifically, he’d been trying out this class. It’d been five years since he’d split from his wife, moved to an unfamiliar town, and started anew, got a job teaching high school students and began something, anything.
It still wasn’t quite enough, and he thought, maybe, possibly, yoga might help him fill that itty bitty little void that seemed to occasionally and auspiciously make itself known.
Lucius insisted. “It’s nothing that fancy, babes, I promise. Just goina have some fun. Promise you’ll see at least ten other guys there looking exactly the same.” And despite Lucius’s insistence that it’s not like that , Stede couldn’t help but think that calling a friend babes was rather unfitting. He'd never called any of his friends babes, although he’d never called anyone babes ever, never had any friend to call anything, to be perfectly honest.
“Alright then,” he had nodded and smiled the way he’d so routinely practiced, and he followed a man he had only a handful of conversations with outside the professionalism of class time to a bar less in the realm of their rural little town and more in the suburbs, maybe even teetering into the urbs .
However, tonight was not his first night out with Lucius and his friends, it wasn’t even his second or third or forth. It could very well have been the fifth or sixth. He made a point in bringing a change of clothes after his first outing. Though Lucius had been right, he’d seen many other men dressed very similarly, shorts and tees and the like, Stede hadn’t felt all that comfortable either way. Sonny and Cher crooned through the tightly packed building as they arrived, Stede in his nice pants, high at the waist and bell bottomed, and a button up—a sweater had been too warm, he’d learned—and Lucius in his same clothes from work, wide legged pants and a comfortable nearly cropped tee, long necklaces hanging down to his navel.
Lucius was a charming young man with big front teeth and long, dark sideburns. He had a boyfriend but liked to flirt, and the boyfriend never seemed to mind, even egged him on from time to time. He’d been teaching classes ever since he graduated, and Stede wasn’t sure if that meant high school or college but he supposed it wasn’t really important. He shared the studio with Oluwande, another instructor who joined them most nights out. Olu had a partner too, long and thin and barely spoke but looked at Olu with easy eyes and Stede imagined that’s all that really mattered. There were a few others, Frenchie and John, he thought some of their names were. He didn’t know many of them very well and stuck mostly to nursing his wine and smiling when prompted and engaging in conversation when Lucius turned to nod him in.
It was nice. It was nice to get out of the house and feel included in something even if he still remained on the outskirts of social interaction. He thought maybe if he tried, he and Lucius could be friends—friends beyond the occasional polite drink and small talk before and after class.
I’d like to ride again some day, I think I still know how to play. I play games now but it’s not fun, a cowboy’s work is never done.
A light hand fell on his shoulder and for a moment he thought it was Lucius’s, so he smiled and chuckled a little. Upon making the turn to acknowledge the presence, he realized it was not a familiar hand. He had to turn further in his stool to face a man standing behind him, probably around his age, tall with dark hair and a thick mustache that trailed down the sides of his chin.
“Don’t typically see too many older men around here,” the man said with kind eyes and a gentle smile, although those words seemed neither kind nor gentle.
“I’m sorry?” His eyes stuttered back to Lucius for help. He’d already been smirking in his direction.
“Apologies,” Lucius grinned at the standing man, and conversation resumed within their group. “My friend’s a bit shy. His name is Stede, and he thinks you’re quite handsome. And if he doesn’t, I sure do.”
Stede wasn’t sure what to say. He actually thought the man looked quite ridiculous as he was never one for the handlebar look, and to be perfectly fair, this man just called him old , and it really did seem like a compliment when he said it, but come on! “I’m sorry,” he repeated himself, and panic began to settle in. His palms got sweaty and he could feel how dry his mouth was for the first time that night as it hit him the way Lucius had implied that Stede himself was supposed to be interested in this man—interested…well, interested in the way a man might be interested in a woman, and he said, “I’m sorry,” once again, this time tacking on, “I’m not, I mean I don’t mean any offense really, but I think maybe there’s been some confusion.”
The man’s expression turned sour, kind eyes melting into uncertainty, then disappointment, and then disgust. He muttered something under his breath as he walked away, and Stede didn’t really catch it in detail, but it sounded very nasty, and all too suddenly he felt so very intrusive. He turned slowly back to Lucius, and Lucius stared back at him, lips slightly parted in absolute awe at what he’d just witnessed. “You mean to tell me you’re not a bloody homo?”
Sweaty and dry, how could someone possibly be so sweaty and dry all at once. “I don’t think so, am I meant to be?” He downed the rest of his wine, and damn him for ordering himself wine . He didn’t smoke, but right now he wanted so badly to smoke.
“Bloody christ on a stick.” Lucius stood with an eye roll, and pulled Stede up off his stool, and he thought for sure this was it. His only not-really-almost-friend hated him already. He’d managed to ruin everything and he’d never be allowed back here again, he’d never see Olu or the quiet one or the one that talked a lot about witches and other odd conspiracies. He’d be kicked out of here and he’d be kicked out of the class, unofficially of course, Lucius just wouldn’t want to see him ever again.
He’d pulled Stede outside and leaned up against the brick wall and looked up at him with big brown eyes that pleaded for something, for answers, for why he had to go and ruin a very simple thing. “I’m sorry,” is what Lucius said instead.
“Wh– No, no! I’m sorry. I–”
“Stede, hey, listen.” Here it came. “I shouldn’t have assumed.”
“I know I’m such a–” Oh? “You, what do you mean you–”
“It’s alright. I promise. You can still hang out with us. It’s not like you’re a prick or anything. Just…next time, say you’re just not interested or you have a boyfriend or whatever.” He said it like it was that simple, like Stede could just go around saying those kinds of things.
“But I–”
“ I know , but for the sake of making everyone else feel a bit safer, yeah?”
“I think I might just go, actually…”
“You sure?” Something in Lucius seemed genuinely upset, disappointed was probably more accurate, by the prospect. Stede nodded anyway. Lucius stood up straight, arms crossed loosely over his chest. “See you next class then?”
Stede couldn’t bring himself to respond, so he only offered up a hesitant smile and made his way back to his car. The drive back home wasn’t too long, but longer than he’d like, especially since the closer he got, the darker it got, the harder it got for him to see…maybe he was old .
He only bought a small little house, a two bedroom, something big enough for just himself and the kids to visit every once and a while. They’d be visiting very soon, actually. His space seemed to be getting too small for them though, or maybe things stayed the same and everything around him was just getting too big. Alma was nearly sixteen and Louis nearly thirteen, and neither of them took well to sharing a room anymore. They seemed to like coming to visit well enough though, and he’d have to rely on their willingness alone from now on.
He stood at his front door now, flipping through the few keys he had. He hadn’t gotten around to labeling anything, and after five years, he still had to test a couple before he got the right one. In the distance, a muted rumble headed his way accompanied with a single headlight. He caught himself staring the closer it got, until it whipped by in a loud, dark howl that he’d been expecting, but it made his fingers shake a little anyway at the abruptness. He was left in the sound of rattling keys and held onto his own hand to stop that noise too.
Stede pushed his way through his front door and locked it again behind himself. As small as this town was, he had yet to meet the man who rode past on his motorcycle every night. It was always around the hour before midnight. He couldn’t imagine what kept a man out that late, or why he felt the need to alert everyone that he was headed somewhere—home, Stede hoped—so late at night. The noise continued into the school year, still at the same time, and years ago, it had woken him up every night before work. Then, it happened so often that he was used to it. Sometimes, if he was up a bit later than usual and hadn’t heard the bike go by, he couldn’t sleep at all.
Tonight, he stayed in the shower a bit longer than he probably should have, fingertips gone waterlogged and wrinkly like the old man he apparently was. He hadn’t even turned fifty, and he certainly wouldn’t consider himself an older man. He stayed in the shower a bit longer than he probably should have that night, but when he lay in bed, that was all he could do: lay, eyes fixed on the dimly lit ceiling.
Stede debated not going to his next class, but he was a teacher himself—albeit to seventeen year old literature students—and what kind of example would he be setting for his own students if he wasn’t a very good one himself? Not that they would ever know, of course. Mostly, he showed up because he’d actually already skipped one, and also he was getting quite restless at home with himself. He made his ten minute drive into the center of town and practiced his breathing—in, hold it, out, hold it—just like Lucius had taught him. The owner of the building—and possibly the practice, Stede hadn’t ever held a conversation long enough with him to find out—was here tonight. Stede only knew that his name was Nathaniel even though nobody really called him that, and that he was rumored to live with about a dozen different birds. Occasionally, Stede caught him feeding the gulls down by the shoreline. Currently, the man was fiddling with one of the gutters outside the building.
Stede hurried inside, not particularly wanting to make small talk with the odd man. Inside, Lucius and Olu were lingering by the doorway to one of the classrooms. “Ah, Stede!” Olu saw him first and offered up a friendly smile. “Was starting to worry about you.”
“Worry about me?”
Lucius raised an eyebrow. “S’not like you ran away the other night and then didn’t show up to class or anything.”
“Ah, well, yes. I suppose I did do that, didn’t I?” He could feel the back of his neck and ears get hot.
“Relax, m’joking.” Lucius slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into their room. “See you, Olu.” He waved with all of his fingers.
“See you guys.” Olu smiled again, holding up a gentle hand in goodbye, and made his way over to his own class.
“You holding up alright?” Lucius spoke a bit lower now. Others were starting to trickle in.
Stede nodded. “Of course.”
Lucius raised the same eyebrow and a contemplative pout settled on his lips for only a brief moment. “Really? Because you somehow just discovered, after weeks of joining us I might add, that you’ve been hanging around a gay bar. And then you went MIA for a bit there.”
“I’m alright, I promise, Lucius. Thank you. I guess I just needed a moment.” He may have gone into crisis for what seemed like the millionth time in the past five years, but, well, he’d gotten rather used to the spiraling by now.
Lucius eyed him skeptically only for a brief moment, then patted him gently on the back. “Sure. We’ll talk more after class then. Let me fill you in though.” His expression perked up even just slightly. “Someone new joined us last class, the one you missed of course. Not particularly my type, but, well, I know an attractive man when I see one, you know?”
Stede wasn’t sure if he knew, but he nodded anyway.
“I’ve seen him around town loads. He’s been here for a while now, longer than you probably, maybe just about the same. Never spoke to the man until the other night though. He’s, well, interesting to say the least. I think maybe he was a bit, you know–” He held his pointer and thumb together and raised them to his puckered lips. “Not that I would judge, of course. Just never had someone with that kind of audacity in my class is all, well–” He paused. “ Actually , you know what, Stede, he may be onto something. You should come over tomorrow and we should test it out. Do you smoke? I bet you smoke. If you don’t, you really should.” Lucius chuckled a little, and continued on his rambling. Stede was too distracted by the low grumble of an engine seemingly getting closer and closer to them, slowing down, settling. He’d never heard it do that before, only ever heard it zip by. Then it cut short outside the building. “And Pete spent the rest of the night barfing, but I promise not everyone reacts so poorly!”
Stede had missed that last anecdote. “Did you just invite me over?”
“Well, yeah, but that was like, five minutes ago now. Shit . It’s eight already.” Lucius shooed Stede to his mat. As he settled down, he saw Dorothy to his left as usual. He gave her a kind smile and she returned it. Dorothy was a lovely old woman, nearly eighty by now, with all too obvious feelings for their all too obviously gay instructor. Stede turned to his right, expecting to see Lisa, a young mother of one with another on the way. He didn’t speak much with her, but she was very pretty and seemed very nice. Instead, he found a tall man with a full but well kept beard and long hair that waved and then curled at the very ends. It all mostly obscured his face, but his arms were decorated in ink, and his shirt didn’t even seem to be buttoned, only tucked into the waist of his loose pants.
“What’s up, mate?”
Stede sat up straight, drawing his attention properly up to the man’s face instead of his bare stomach (also well decorated, he might add). The man had round, dark eyes. Even now that they were face to face, all his hair worked to cover him up. It fell over his shoulders and most of the way down his back. He had long dark lashes and a gentle nose. Stede might’ve even considered him pretty if it weren’t for the full beard and tattoos and motorcycle.
“You new here too?”
“Oh, uhm.” It dawned on Stede finally that he was most likely meeting the man that drove through his neighborhood every night at nearly the same time very loud, very fast. “No, I just missed last class.”
The man made a soft grunt of a noise and ran the tips of his fingers through the chin of his beard. “Lots of chicks in this class, yeah?”
Stede nodded, looking around the room. “I suppose.”
“That’s alright, that’s alright,” he said almost to himself, “I’m alright with that.” Stede wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean.
Lucius clapped his hands together to get the room quiet, and they started with a breathing exercise. In, hold, out, hold .
Throughout the night, he could feel the other man’s eyes on him. He never turned to confirm, or maybe to catch him in the act, but Stede could still feel it. He thought it was a bit endearing at first, that he’d been looking over at Stede to make sure he himself was in the correct position, but then it kept happening and happening and happening, and Stede would feel the man’s eyes all over his own body. He felt the urge to tug on his shorts and shirt and wipe his hands down his face to make sure nothing was there that wasn't supposed to be.
As they settled into Warrior II, Lucius made his rounds, making sure everyone’s stances were less perfect and more healthy. “Good job, Edward,” he spoke in a whisper so as not to disturb the other students, but Stede could just barely hear the conversation. “Was this here last week?”
Stede glanced over so briefly, just catching the way he pointed at a brace on the man’s knee. “Yeah, been there for longer than that.”
“Alright, just be careful then. Know your own limits, yeah?”
“Sure.”
“Stede,” Lucius breathed, “you’re distracted.” He moved Stede’s arms with one finger below his wrist and his posture with one careful hand on his chest and another on his lower back. “There. Hold it. Don’t forget to breathe.”
They ended class by laying on their mats, folding their knees up and out, soles of their feet pressed together, hands stretching up above their heads. Lucius instructed them to close their eyes as he guided their breathing. “ In: one, two, three, four. Hold: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Out… ” he spoke softly, and on the next hold, Stede couldn’t help but glance over at the man next to him. His long hair—once black, now mostly grey—was fanned out under his shoulders and arms. His chest rose a second before Lucius called for it—there was a crown etched onto him there. Stede returned his eyes to himself, closing them once more.
When Lucius dismissed them, the man rolled up his mat and nodded at Stede with tight lips before setting the mat back in the closet near the exit. He held up a hand to thank Lucius, and as he disappeared outside, the engine came to life once more. Stede had never heard it start up, just like he’d never heard it slow down or cut short before tonight. He made sure to listen for it though. Dorothy and Lisa chatted next to their rolled up mats. Lisa was complaining about the motorcycle man as she rested a hand on her stretched belly. Dorothy said she thought he seemed nice. Stede set his mat in the closet and made his way over to Lucius.
“I don’t know that Edward’s aware this is actually a yoga studio and not a damn strip club. That man needs to learn what a button is.”
Stede ignored the comment as best he could, even if he felt his ears go hot. “Do you know anything else about him, Lucius?”