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Remus Lupin likes to think of himself as a level headed person. He's always strived to be reasonable in the face of all that would see him be otherwise (a teenage werewolf-wizard, honestly, it's as if Lady Magic decided to play a cruel joke.)
Since arriving at Hogwarts, Remus has always been known as calm, composed and reasonable. Not that it would be hard considering the three idiots he spends most of his time with. But he has a reputation of sorts. He's the sane one, level-headed and logical, he's the one people go to when his idiots go too far.
The thing is, Remus can't exactly reign in his idiots. Especially when he tends to be worse than the three of them combined. A fact only known by Minerva "Minnie" McGonagall.
Which is how he ended up pulled over by the police in the middle of London despite not actually being the one in the driver's seat, no, that was James.
Or more accurately, Prongs.
Padfoot and Wormtail were in the back making Remus the only human in the car.
And there he was, sat in the front passenger seat seething.
"There's a deer in the front seat." The officer stared through the driver's window with wide eyes. Prongs looked back at her with his left hoof still resting on the wheel, casual as ever, like potentially breaking the Statute of Secrecy was nothing to fuss over.
"A stag, actually." Remus said tiredly, a wry smile on his face.
"A stag," she nodded politely as if that was a completely reasonable response. "Sir, why on earth is there a stag in the front seat- no nevermind that, why is there a stag in the driver's seat?" She gestured to Prongs as if Remus would somehow forget about gigantic fucking monster of a woodland creature taking up half of the car. Remus wishes he could. Then he likely wouldn't notice the hooves digging into his left thigh.
Remus inhaled deeply before answering.
"He wanted to give driving a go, I told him no but of course he started complaining and when Prongs gets uppity, Padfoot- that's the mutt in the back there- is bound to join in and obviously Wormtail is no help whatsoever, he prefers to watch their shenanigans play out you see-"
The officer had somehow materialised from Prongs' window to Remus' in the time he had been talking "Breathe into this." She held up a breathalizer.
Padfoot woofed curiously from the back.
"I'm not intoxicated."
"Humour me, then."
Prongs chuffed and Remus glared at him. "This is your fault, you utter pillock."
Padfoot let out an indignant woof.
"Yours as well, I should leave you outside a shelter." Remus snapped.
Sirius whined pitifully.
"Oh button it, Padfoot."
Wormtail squeaked.
"Now you have something to say? Fat lot of help that is now."
"Sir." The officer pushed the breathalizer right under his nose. Remus took in a deep breath in an attempt to soothe the burning rage that made him want to let Moony eat his stupid friends. He'd miss them. Probably.
Possibly.
"Sorry." He said, he leaned over and let out a breath. He could feel the curious stares of the other three, likely wondering what the mysterious muggle machine could tell the officer about him.
They'll never know. Remus thought, a wave of vindictive pettiness rose within him, tempering his murderous urges.
"You are...worryingly sober." The officer admitted, shaking the breathalizer lightly as if the percentage would magically - ha - rise.
"Unfortunately." Remus agreed. He caught a glimpse of her badge as she moved to put the breathalizer away. Officer Tyler.
"I should probably take you to the station." Tyler said. Remus nodded, not wanting to make the poor officers' night any harder. "What should I do with the animals?" She muttered to herself as her partner - who had been lingering by the police car until now- peeked in through the window.
"Dump the rat down a drain, leave the dog at a kill shelter and mount the stag's head on a wall." Remus listed off. Perhaps his need for vengeance wasn't completely soothed.
Tyler blinked.
"You don't seem like an animal person." She said diplomatically.
Her partner decided to put his two cents in. "A tad cruel, I know the dogs ugly but I'm sure some sentimental sod will pick him up."
James snorted so hard that he bumped his antlers off the rearview mirror. Sirius howled dramatically at the insult.
Remus sighed. That sod would probably be him.
"I think its illegal to hunt deer in Britain." Tyler mused, her eyes distant. Remus wondered if she was taking a leaf out of his book and deciding to disassociate from this whole clusterfuck. "We can dump the rat." She said decisively.
Wormtail let out a series of angry squeaks. Remus sat back in his seat biting down a vicious smirk. Serves him right.
"Noisey little things aren't they?" Her partner commented.
Remus laughed. "Oh, you have no idea."
"Right." Tyler said shifting awkwardly on her feet. She seemed to be looking for something to follow it up with, staring at Prongs like he'd suddenly pipe up with something to say. That wasn't an unlikely scenario, but the poor officer didn't know that. "Right." A sigh.
"You could probably release them into the woods." Remus suggested. Then he could leave them to find their own bloody way back.
She gave him a flat stare. "We're in the centre of London, there are no woods."
Ah, fuck.
"That is...a good point."
"How so I even fit them in the car?" Tyler glanced back at the small police car she had parked behind Remus' own.
"It's a wonder the stag fits anywhere with those tree trunks on its head." Her partner said, tilting his head as he stared at Prongs.
Prongs let out a series of offended chuffs, Padfoot began howling as if he was the one who had been slighted and Wormtail, Remus glanced at the rat's reflection in the rear view mirror, Peter was nibbling on a stray biscuit from the packet he had apparently been hiding this whole time. Useless.
Remus sighed, may as well add fuel to the fire. "He's a style over substance type."
Prongs snorted so hard, Remus briefly worried that he had hurt himself. Or, more importantly, his rear view mirror. This was his mum's car after all.
"Should I call for backup? Or RSPCA? What on earth do you do with a stag?" Tyler muttered to herself, her eyes far away. Remus grimaced, she really deserves a raise for having to deal with them.
"How'd you fit them all in your car?" Her partner questioned. He seemed to be the only one out of all of them not losing his Morgana forsaken mind.
"Magic." Remus made a 'poof' gesture.
He raised an eyebrow. "Not a great use of it mate." Remus hummed in reply. "That dog looks like it belongs to death themself. Or a goth." Sirius growled quietly. Remus elected to ignore him.
Remus nodded. "He likes to embody one or the other depending on his mood."
Padfoot howled indignantly. Again. Narcissistic twat.
"Dramatic as a bloody husky that one."
"I'd apologise for his behaviour, but I have no control over him. Or any of the flea ridden freeloaders for that matter." Remus cast a scornful glance at the three traitors staring at him with mournful eyes. He would be inclined to feel a tad more forgiving if Peter wasn't loudly nibbling on his biscuit while he stared sadly.
"You'd never be able to tell." He raised his eyebrows and Remus smiled back. "So are you visiting or are you local? I can't place your accent." He leaned closer to the window, Remus caught a glance of the rookie badge shining brightly under the streetlights. Ah, so that's why he was leaving poor Tyler to figure everything out alone. At a closer look Remus caught his last name, McCarthy.
"Ah, the nuances of British dialects." Remus smirked. They shared a chuckle. "I'm visiting."
"I should call for back up. I'm calling back up." Tyler nodded decisively to herself as she walked off towards her car.
"For how long?" McCarthy asked.
"Just a week." Padfoot was still growling in the background and Remus could hear Peter's little crunches as he nibbled on his biscuit.
He smiled. "Maybe we could get a drink, if you don't end up getting carted off that is."
Oh. Remus felt his cheeks warm, mostly at his own obliviousness but he was also quite flattered. Though now he had to go through the awkward dance of saying he's taken. He won't mention the fact that it's by the growling dog in the backseat.
"I-"
Padfoot leapt into the front seat, he was poised to launch himself out the window and likely to dig his teeth into McCarthy's throat but thankfully Prongs decided to be helpful (for once in his life) and scuff him by the neck chuffing in a placating manner.
"Seems like he's in need of some doggy therapy." McCarthy said, completely unfazed. "What were you going to say?"
Remus grimaced. "I'm taken."
"Ah, should've expected that." He nodded, then shrugged. "Well it was worth a shot."
He was suddenly yanked away from the window by Tyler who had returned from her call.
"This isn't a pub, McCarthy, you can't just pick up the first good looking lad you see." She grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose. Well, that's two people who think Remus is attractive, this night isn't turning out half bad.
"I was intrigued." McCarthy said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.
Tyler glared. "Go be intrigued by the car." McCarthy wisely avoided eye contact while nodding in agreement. In another life, Remus mused, he believes he and Tyler would have made great friends.
"Cheerio." McCarthy waved before skipping off towards the car.
Tyler looked back over at Remus, then her eyes flitted over to the scene behind him. Prongs was still holding Padfoot back despite the fact he had long given up on trying to commit murder and was now just staring at Remus with baleful eyes.
"The stag is scuffing the dog." She said succinctly.
"Yes."
"And the rat is...eating digestive biscuits?"
"Yes."
She blinked. "That can't be good for it."
"London has enough rats anyway, wouldn’t be a major loss." Remus shrugged. Peter's head snapped up and he twitched his whiskers angrily.
She stared. Then sighed, rubbing the side of her head with a pinched brow.
"I'm going to have to take you to the station. After RSPCA arrives." She said. There was a loud bang, the the lights which had been flashing behind them the whole time went out. "Can't leave him for a bloody moment." She muttered with a bitterness Remus felt in his soul. Good friends they could have been. Very good friends. "I have to check on that. Stay here. McCarthy!" She shouted before marching towards her car.
Remus just nodded to himself. "Alright then." He looked over at his trio of idiots.
The little bastards stared sheepishly at him.
Remus summoned a frosty glare. "Change back. Right now."
They wisely obeyed.
"Moon-" James started.
"You're lucky Moony isn't here right now." He growled. He'd eat you, Remus refrained from adding.
"Sweetheart-" Sirius tried, gently cupping his cheek.
"You will not be sitting on my lap anytime in the foreseeable future, get to the back." Remus shoved him between the two seats.
Sirius huffed. "That officer flirted with you." He grumbled as he clambered back to his seat.
Remus raised an eyebrow. "So does your brother." Sirius' jaw dropped as he paled. Ah, petty viciousness, he can see why the Purebloods indulge in it so much now.
Remus snatched the biscuits as Peter reached for them.
"I'll be having the rest of these." He said.
Peter nodded sagely. "Cruel, but fair."
"So are we going to wait for them to come back?"
"What was that thing you breathed into?"
"What's a kill shelter?"
He rolled his eyes at the myriad of questions being fired at him. He almost liked them better as animals.
"No, not telling and the place I'll be dumping the lot of you at this rate." Remus rattled off. He looked at James. "Start driving."
The car filled with whoops and cheers, Remus couldn't help but smile. His idiots.
They sped off into the night. Music blasting and wind sailing through the car.
"I'll be telling Lily all about this, just so you know."
"Moony."