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“Hey guys, take a look at this!”
Wade, Peter, and Matt were at Matt’s apartment. They decided that for today instead of getting chinese after their patrol, they’d just order pizza for lunch. They were all sat around the living room with Matt and Peter on the couch and Wade in the corner chair.
Wade, of course, wasn’t exactly thrilled with these seating arrangements so he did what Wade does best.
He complained.
It only took five minutes of Wade vocalizing his dismay and making the raunchiest jokes he knew (Mainly directed towards Matt) for the lawyer to tell him to just look around the apartment for something to do.
Of course, Mathew didn’t have jack shit around the apartment. He just wanted Wade to shut the fuck up for a few minutes.
But somehow, he did find something. Standing in the doorway of Matt’s bedroom, Wade triumphed as he held up a newspaper from… The Daily Bugle.
“Matt, why the hell do you have a newspaper from The Daily Bugle?” Peter asked as he turned to look at the older vigilante with squinted eyes.
“Oh, that. Foggy brought it over a while ago. He said that if, and I quote, ‘I had to deal with the stupidity of some people, you shouldn’t get a pass from it because you can’t read.”
Wade just snorted as he walked out and kneeled on the opposite side of the coffee table as Matt and Peter before he started flipping through the pages. It only took him a few seconds to find something that had him cracking up.
“I- holy shit.” He gasped between giggles. “This guy- fuck , this is amazing. Apparently, Peter is waiting for the ability to ‘Lure in a mate with his mind control abilities before-’” Wade cut himself off, laughing his ass off from whatever the paper said. “‘Before eating her during copulation !’ Holy shit, Pete, this is fucking great.”
“What’s copulation?” Matt asked as he turned to Peter with a smirk. The bastard knew. He knew perfectly fine what it was.
Peter put his growingly red face in his hands as he groaned. “I swear. That Jonah guy has it out for me.”
“Oh, just you wait.” Wade said, a smile evident in his voice. “It gets way better. It says here, ‘Spider’s are known to date back to prehistoric times. Who’s to say this elusive Spider menace isn’t an immortal all seeing being waiting for his chance to dispose of the human race!’ ”
By now, even Matt was laughing as he pushed his glasses up. “Wow, Peter. I didn’t realize you had a vendetta against us. Tell me, you wouldn’t happen to be the one behind the dinosaurs’ extinction, would you?”
“Matt, do I honestly look like I’m immortal?” Peter sighed as he looked up at the lawyer, his face beet red.
“Yeah, gotta say no to that one. What immortal being is a scrawny ass teenager?” Before Peter could complain, Wade kept going. “Oh! Check this one out! Did you guys know Spiders can be milked?”
_______________________________________________________
Out on patrol that night, The three vigilante’s were able to accomplish quite a bit. They stopped an armed robbery, five muggings, one drug deal gone wrong, and two drunk idiots with guns.
Around 11:00, they found a child, no older than seven, standing on a street corner alone with a bat stuffed animal in his hands
They all approached, though Wade and Matt stood behind Peter. He had always been the best at dealing with kids. Besides, children didn’t tend to feel the safest in the hands of people known for violently beating the ever loving shit out of criminals. Or in Wade’s case, killing them.
“Hey buddy, how’re you doing?” Peter said as he kneeled down to get on the kid’s level. “Are you out here all alone?”
The kid looked up at Peter with watery eyes. “I-I can’t find my mommy.” He whimpered as he hugged his stuffed animal a bit tighter.
Peter just gave a sympathetic smile as he reached a hand out. “Aw, I’m sorry bud. I can help you find her.” At this, the kid perked up a bit. “It won’t take long at all. You’ll be back with her safe and sound in a heartbeat. Do you mind if I pick you up?”
The kid shook his head, so Peter gently maneuvered the kid so he was sitting comfortably against his chest. After they were all set, he turned to face Wade and Matt. “I’m gonna take care of this little guy. Why don’t you two keep patrolling? I’ll meet up with you at the skyscraper when I’m done.”
They all agreed and went their separate ways. Peter did his best to listen for the sounds of a frantic mother while simultaneously keeping the kid calm. “Do you like bats? I’m personally more of a spider guy, but bats are really cool.”
“Yeah.” The kid said. “I like them. You’re a spider though, right?”
“Well…” Peter sputtered, not quite sure how to answer. “Kinda. I’m like- part spider, y’know?”
“Yup. The paper said you hypnotize girls to sed- sedu-.” The kid said without missing a beat, unable to really pronounce the last word. Peter stopped in his tracks as he looked down at the kid.
“...Seduce?” Peter asked, his voice sounding littler (if that was possible) as he realized with horror the kid had read The Daily Bugle.
“That one. It said it in the newspaper. What does it mean, though?”
“Alright.” Peter said in a panicked voice as he picked up the pace. “Let’s focus right now on finding your mom.”
_______________________________________________________
It only took a few minutes to find the kid’s mom. Apparently, she had crossed the road and unknowingly left her son on the other side. She profusely thanked the spandex clad hero who in turn handed her the kid, swinging off after a small chat with the woman.
He met Wade and Matt at Central Park Tower like they had agreed upon. But as he reached the top, Matt and Wade were both staring at him with amused grins.
“You heard all of that, didn’t you?” Peter asked with a groan.
“Yes, yes we did.”