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This shit is so completely illegal.
Jake is driving, Rose is sitting on Kanaya's lap in the passenger seat, John is squished into the tiny middle seat between you and Jade, you with Karkat on your lap and Jade with Sollux. Terezi and Vriska are in the trunk. You hear a giggle now and then and you're tryin' real hard not to think about it. It's actually not that hard to ignore that, because you have a much more pressing matter on your mind. And on your dick. That matter being Karkat.
Your good friend Karkat. Your buddy. Your pal. Your dudest of bros. Your—he's on your dick, man.
Not literally. Except yes literally. Like, not literally, in that he's on your lap and everyone's clothed and you're crammed in a car with way too many people so that you can go sleep in a beach cabin with way too many people, which is a profoundly unerotic scenario. But, yes literally, in that it's uhhhhhh, a real bumpy road and Karkat's thiccc and Rose pushed the passenger chair right back so he's flush with your chest and he's on your dick, man.
You need to calm the fuck down. You're just gonna focus on other things.
'Hey, John, how you doin' buddy,' you ask, politely.
'I am fucking squished,' he says. 'And kind of carsick, but I'm sure that's nothing. How's things with you? Is Karkat like, completely on your dick?'
'HAHAHAHAHA,' you say, and you do mean say, because that wasn't remotely a laugh that just came out of your mouth. 'He's on my lap, dude, a bro can sit on another bro's—' You break off, because a bump in the road makes Karkat bounce and your brain can only focus on either talking or on not getting an erection, so guess who is shutting up. Not you! Because you paused in the middle of a very incriminating sentence and you can probably do both, probably. 'It's no big,' you say. 'Karkat's ass is so fat it's like, basically crushing me to death. Not my kink, so, everything's coolio like Julio.'
'Fuck you,' Karkat says. 'I told you that you should sit on me, I said that, because I am aware of what my ass is like! It has its own gravitational field and like, four moons, and I could be providing ample cushion for your concave ass if you'd just let me bottom.'
'That's—' you start. Another bump happens and you think of the least sexy things you can. Eye boogers. Spiders crawling out of your mouth. Vriska. Phew. 'That's not what bottoming means and it's really important to me that you know that. And my legs are longer, and I can handle your fat ass, everything's chill.'
'Who's Julio?' John asks.
'Who?' you ask.
'You said "coolio like Julio" and I was hoping that you knew someone called Julio so that it wouldn't be the lamest thing I have ever heard in my life.'
'Oh,' you say. 'Uh. I mean, everyone knows a Julio,' you say, awkwardly. Another bump happens and you stare really hard at the chair in front of you. Chewing gum stuck to the bottom of a desk and then you touch it accidentally. Socks. Uhhh, John's armpits. 'It's hard to be precise about which Julio I even meant,' you say, voice strained.
'Right,' John says, judgementally.
Three bumps happen in close succession and it has the effect of making Karkat positively bounce on your dick, in a very rhythmic fashion. You squeeze your head from one side to the other behind his back so that you can stare out the window, where no one can see your pained expression. You wrack your brain for unsexy things. Nose hairs. Another bump, and you don't even need the things to be repulsive anymore, they can just be neutral, anything that isn't—Another bounce.
You're officially hard.
Okay, cool, cool, maybe it's not obvious. You don't know, you've never been sitting on a guy's lap in an unambiguously platonic manner only for them to get hard, this could be a super subtle thing. No need to freak out. Time to breathe deeply and—Bump, bump-bump . . . bump.
'Yo, Jake, what's up with this road, friendo?' you say, in the most casual tone you've ever adopted in your life. 'John's maybe carsick, could we reduce the chances of me getting—'
'I'm not carsick!' John says. 'Oh my god, don't say, it, you're going to jinx me, I'm fine.'
'Yeah, but still,' you say. 'And I say this only because I don't want to have to refer to your car as the vomit comet until the end of time, but you—' bump, '—know I will.'
'It's a shortcut,' Jake says cheerily. 'And scenic to boot!'
'I'll crack the window a bit,' Jade says. 'Fresh air helps.'
'Never talking about it ever helps!' John says. 'If I ignore it, then it's basically not there, so if everyone could—!'
It becomes apparent that John is not actually finishing his sentence. Rose takes this moment to twist around and glare at all five of you in the backseat.
'I am trying to sleep. I am going to sleep. You are all going to be very quiet so that I can sleep.'
You all shut the fuck up. The car bumps along.
Maybe Karkat's ass is so fat that he has no sensation in it. Yeah, that's probably it.
Cheese. Taxes. The Ming Dynasty. These are all things that are not bouncing on your lap. You thunk your head into the nearest available surface, which is Karkat's back. He swats at you and turns his head window-ward so that he can hiss, 'What, are you going to impale me and bludgeon me to death?'
'Uhhh,' you say, intelligently. And quietly, out of fear of Rose and also anyone at all hearing you. 'Whoops?'
'It's not a big deal—'
'It's kind of a big deal,' you interrupt.
'Shut your ball gargler,' Karkat says. Is that hot? You can't tell, but the word "ball" was in there. Your face is on fire. 'It's a thing, that I can empathise with. I understand. Just, don't inflict further damage, man.'
'Sorry,' you whisper. 'This is supremely uncool of me.'
'Yeah, well. What else is new.'
This. This is new. This situation where your dick and Karkat's ass are getting very well acquainted is so completely new, it's still hot from the assembly line. God, he feels good. You very gently press your face into Karkat's shirt, and hopefully this way you will smother yourself and die and your boner will go away.
There's some sick part of you that's really glad it's Karkat. That part of you is your dick, because your dick likes Karkat. The rest of you, sure, he's great, what a nice fella. Your brain is fucking dying with every bump of the car.
But yeah, Karkat. He's loyal and funny and he does this thing where he tries really hard not to laugh at your jokes but then it comes out anyway in this really dorky snort and it's so much worse than if he'd just laughed in the first place. He also has really pretty eyes and perma-bed hair that's really cute, even when it's not cute, like when it's literally matted at the back because it's actually bed hair. And wow, his ass. Even if he were a trash human being with a face like a diseased ballsack, if he had this ass he would still be fucking hot. His ass deserves a monument. His ass deserves your dick. They'd like each other, you're pretty sure.
You need to stop thinking about his ass. You're getting harder, somehow. You've been hard in inconvenient situations before, but usually you just awkwardly sit there and pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening and eventually it goes away. Most inconvenient situations don't feature Karkat Vantas's ass getting jiggy with it.
You know what, you're going to ask Jake to pull over. You're going to say you need to take a whizz, only Karkat will see your boner as you get out of the car, and you'll jack off into the wilderness that Jake is taking you through. You bet you need literally under a minute, at which point you'll come back into the car and voila, he can sit on your lap with your dick all cosy and asleep. It's the perfect plan.
Karkat shifts on your lap and you dig your fingers into the seat, press your forehead into him and breathe in as quiet as you can and hold your breath to keep from moaning. It works. You're the best at having sneaky boners. Then he shifts again and you make a pathetic whimpering noise.
'Was that you?' John asks, slapping you lightly on your shoulder.
'Karkat moved his leg and somehow pulled my leg hair,' you say. Woah. That was a good excuse. Thank you, Jesus, you pray to yourself. That was a real solid, man. I owe you.
'Ouch,' John says sympathetically. Jade slaps at him. 'Ow,' he complains.
'Rose,' she reminds him under her breath.
John falls silent. Everything is quiet, except for the sound of the engine and the road beneath the wheels. Which is actually super loud, you had a CD on earlier but if it's still on you haven't heard it in miles. But apparently it's not loud enough to hide noises that you absolutely will not be making again.
Karkat shifts again and you press your lips into his shirt and breathe heavily. Your dick is throbbing, it's wet, it's sticking to your boxers and it wants in Karkat so bad.
'Dude,' you whisper, the second you have any cool to spare.
'Yes, Dave?' Karkat says, quietly but in this very arch way. He turns on your lap a little as if making it easier to talk to you and your hand flies to your mouth so you can bite on your knuckle.
'Be a bro,' you whisper, desperately. You're so glad that his ear is so close to your lips so that you can, so you can, whisper in it, obviously. So quietly that even John can't hear. 'I'm only human, dude, just, please.' Oh good, you're begging. That's kind of hot. You wish it wasn't. 'Please, Karkat, keep very still and maybe talk to me about your Sandra Bullock opinions or something.'
'Why would I do that?' he asks.
Oh god. He's doing it on purpose. Your dick pulses and you feel the pre leak out and dribble down your shaft. You're so completely fucked.
'Okay,' you say. 'Cool. Cool, okay, alright, yeah, cool. What? Yeah, that's cool.'
'Are you having a stroke?' he asks.
'Maybe??' you say. 'What do I have to do, I will give—'
The car bounces like five times in a row.
You shudder through it. Every time, every fucking time, it's this unbelievable sensation where Karkat's ass goes from this awesome but bearable pressure to bouncing up enough to let your dick follow him, then it's compressed back down and it feels like the best thing that anyone's ever done on you. Or maybe not, but you can't think of anything better right now, except for the fact that this is also the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever.
The second you can talk, you do, loudly, 'Jesus fucking Christ, Jake, who gave you your license and who paved these roads and who made this car, because I think they had a meeting and decided that they wanted to kill me, I'm actually going to throw myself out the door in—' The car bounces again. You groan, really audibly.
'Are you feeling carsick?' John asks. 'Do you want Jade's purse?'
'He can't have my purse!' Jade says.
Karkat outright grinds on you and you press your open mouthed moan into the back of his shirt. It turns into a kind of broken sob. Your hands lift from the seat to the meat of his thighs, because if you're going to die then you might as well bruise him on the way down.
'Okay, he can have my purse,' Jade says.
John pushes Jade's purse into your hand and you swap it to the outside one so that he can't see your expression. Karkat grinds against you again, this up-down friction that has you trying to bite his back somehow and gripping his leg. Oh god, his shorts are thin and you can feel the give in his soft thighs and if you close your eyes you can probably imagine you're fucking him—You open your fucking eyes, real wide.
'Maybe pull over, Jake,' John says. 'He doesn't sound good.'
'I'd love to, John!' Jake says, in the specific kind of cheery way that means he's really pissed off. 'But as you may be able to see, we're on a fucking bridge! Dave, if you could hold onto the contents of your stomach for nary a tickety boo, I would greatly appreciate it!'
Your hair is sticking to your forehead. Your cheek is kind of wet because your mouth has moved from where it was originally and apparently you've been making a mess of Karkat's shirt. The head of your cock is brushing against the silky fabric of your boxers and your nuts are aching. Your hips jerk up, because your body is fucking stupid.
'Hey, you're okay,' Karkat says, in a low, reassuring voice. 'Just breathe.'
You do, you gasp in air and let it out, try and calm down. It's useless, you can't remember ever being this worked up. You feel like you're a cool breeze away from making a mess in your pants, but you don't have a cool breeze, you have the dickhead you have a crush on balancing on your dick like he wants you to come.
'You're going to be okay,' Karkat says. 'Relax. You need to let go of this tension.'
'Need to let go,' you groan.
Your hips thrust into him in the smallest movements you can manage. Fuck. His ass is like a fucking cushion, it yields to your movements and he's letting it happen, he's letting you rut against him.
'You can do it,' Karkat says. His hand covers yours on his thigh and squeezes your grip tighter. Your toes curl in your sneakers and you're on the edge, you're so fucking close, you need it, but you can't get there—There are actual tears in your eyes. You're so close.
The car goes over a bump and you feel it—pressure, release, pressure—and it has you gasping, tensing up further, pulling his thigh towards you instead of just gripping it, hips pushing into that unresisting, plush ass . . .
Your come hits your boxers in pulses. It soaks them and then sits there, right where your dick is, making it wet too. It has to be getting through to your shorts. You feel like it's getting through to Karkat's shorts. Your fingers stop grabbing at his thigh like you want to tear it apart and you kind of feel bad about that until you realise that he could have stopped you from doing that and he instead pulled you closer. You catch your breath in uneven pants.
Jake pulls over.
You . . . think it might run down your leg if you stand up. You're still kinda hard—there isn't an instantaneous deflation button or anything. But then the car door is open and Karkat's pulling you out very quickly. You wobble, unsteady from surprise, from orgasm, from being in a car for four hours with your legs being crushed, and Karkat doesn't catch you at all as you fall to your knees, though he does crouch next to you.
'You should pretend to throw up,' he whispers.
Welp. You make retching noises then groan some more, hoping that everyone thinks that you just do that when you're sick for some reason. Karkat rubs you gently on the back.
'No, I think Karkat has it covered,' you hear John say, ever the audible one. 'I don't want to have to go through the whole process of unplugging my seatbelt, then plugging it in again, all just to stand around like a dickhead while Karkat continues to have it covered.' You snort in laughter and cover it with a bunch of coughs.
'Does anyone have tissues or wet wipes or something?' Karkat calls backwards. 'It's all over his fucking mouth.'
You hear him catch something plasticky. Okay, good idea you guess, but how the fuck are you supposed to clean up the come dripping down your leg in a subtle way.
'You owe me dinner,' you tell him.
'Sure,' he laughs. 'Bet I can make you come at the table.'
'Holy fuck,' you breathe. 'Yeah, yes, let's do that.' How are you this horny? What the fuck, penis? 'I mean, oh no, that's publicly indecent, I would hate that,' you say. 'How though, just, you know, out of professional curiosity.'
'I'm gonna keep it a surprise,' he says.
'Cool,' you say. You're hoping Karkat's body is kind of blocking the view as you mop yourself up. 'Damn, I am just completely covered in jizz right now.'
'It's kind of hot,' Karkat says.
You're gonna really hate the rest of the trip in these shorts. Hopefully you'll hate it enough that Karkat sitting on your lap while there's suddenly natural lube spread all over your dick doesn't give you an encore.