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“Hello, listeners. Welcome to Day One of spring. The growing season is back, so expect some springtime crops from our local Farmer. This may include beloved products such as parsnips- a favorite of local resident, Pam- and tulips- a flower that Granny Evelyn would love to receive.
The change in season also means that some seasonal foragables can be found throughout the valley, so make sure you keep your eyes peeled for daffodils, dandelions, leeks, and wild horseradish. Unfortunately, salmonberry season does not start for another two weeks, so we must go a bit longer without their sweet taste.
And now for the news. Gunther, head of the local library and museum, is proud to announce that- thanks to a donation from local adventurer, Abigail- there are new gemstones now on display in the museum! These gemstones, gathered from the local mines, are available for viewing from eight to six on most days.
A new man came into town today. Who is he? What does he want from us? Why his perfect and beautiful haircut? Why his perfect and beautiful coat? He says he is a scientist. Is he a friend of Demetrius? Is it insensitive to assume that all scientists know each other? Maybe. Probably. Now I feel embarrassed for assuming. Why here? Why now? And just what does he plan to do with all those beakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab he’s renting, the one next to the Secret Woods?
This is also a reminder from Mayor Lewis that there is no ‘Secret Woods’ and that anyone claiming to have been in the ‘Secret Woods’ was just talking about Cindersap Forest.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate Penny. Penny, who takes the time to teach Pelican Town’s children everything they will need to know for growing up, like which plants in the forest are edible and how to through a rock really far and really hard. She’s also been allowing guest speakers to share their skills, and last I saw, Kent was teaching young Vincent and Jas some tricks he picked up in the war. How exciting!
Local doctor, Dr. Harvey, would like to remind people to be careful of pollen as the plants bloom back to life. He also wanted me to tell you that you can buy anti-allergy medication at his clinic during open hours, and either he or Maru, who does not yet have the education required to be a doctor or a nurse but is still a valued employee of the clinic, will be able to help you.
Demetrius and that new scientist, who we now know is named Carlos, called a town meeting. Carlos has a square jaw, and teeth like a military cemetery. His hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure. Carlos and Demetrius explained that they are old college friends, having shared science classes with each other, and that when Demetrius heard Carlos was looking for a new research opportunity he asked Carlos to join him in studying Pelican Town. Carlos told us that from Demetrius’ reports he has concluded that we are, by far, the most scientifically interesting community in the world, and he was excited to study what is going on around here. He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.
Yet, listeners, I fear for this love. Carlos, as you can see on your government-supplied ‘Relationships’ tab, is single, and it is well known among the bachelors and bachelorettes of the Valley that if you are ready to date, the Farmer will shower you with all your favorite things until you agree to marry them. Is the lovely Carlos going to slip from my hands, wrapped up in the mess of relationships that the Farmer holds close? I fear for the Farmer’s current family, and pray that they don’t turn more of their children into doves. The dove poop is getting everywhere.
Mayor Lewis would like all businesses to remember that they need to pay their taxes or risk the law coming down on them. After saying this, he winked at Marnie, owner of the local “animal and animal supplies” store. He did not elaborate on how “the law” could “come down” on anyone without any law enforcement present in the Valley, but nobody wants to get on the wrong side of the law, so remember to pay your taxes.
In other news, Willy is offering a sale on fishing rods and bait for anyone who comes into his shop this week, stating that the future of the fishing industry is more important than making money. In his announcement, he included a pointed stare at the Farmer, who received both a Bamboo Rod and a Training Rod from him in their first year in the Valley but who has decided that fishing is “too hard” and “how the hell do I install an autofisher”. If you’re interested in discounts and difficult minigames, stop by Willy’s shop and buy yourself some gear.
Carlos, after a meeting with Mayor Lewis in Town Hall- the building that also happens to be Mayor Lewis’ house, complete with a bedroom and kitchen- claimed that Mayor Lewis had a pair of purple shorts that were somehow sentient. “It makes no sense,” explained Carlos, with scorches on his lab coat that seemed like they came from a pair of angry underwear. “Pants aren’t supposed to do that.” But despite the damage to his lab coat, he says, he intends to fully examine this anomaly since sentient pants are something wholly unique to Pelican Town, as far as he can tell.
Listeners, what do you think of that!? Your town- Pelican Town- a place with unique fauna! I mean, we already knew that we were special, with the yearly visits from The Governor and our beautiful beach front view, but who knew that sentient clothes was yet another trait found nowhere else? It looks like I have some hats to apologize to.
Speaking of hats, the Hat Mouse is back in town! Once you have accomplished something monumental in your life, she will be there to reward you. No, you won’t see her- nobody is quite sure where she lives or how she gets around- but you will know she is there because you will wake up to a thematic hat on your head and a bunch of money missing from your bank account. Remember to thank her for your new hat; it is only polite.
Oh! Haley just sent in a picture of the Farmer’s cat- aww, isn’t he just the cutest thing? I would buy a pet for myself, but, ah, I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I don’t even have a pet station for it to live at, and those- as you may know- are quite pricey. I keep trying to save up, but then I see something I want at JojaMart or Pierre’s and then like magic, my money disappears! I’m afraid that I’m destined to be pet-less, listeners…
Time keeps pausing randomly, Carlos reports. He is quite certain about this, though also quite confused as time seemed to stop and start with no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes, time would pass normally for hours, while other times, it would stop every five seconds. He was unable to record this phenomenon, as all of his equipment froze with time, but he is certain that it happened. He demonstrated as much to Demetrius by standing in one spot for a long time, then teleporting to another, nearby spot. I want to believe him, because Carlos is very smart, but listeners, what if he’s just teleporting himself and hasn’t realized it yet? Or is hiding it from us for some reason?
Oh, well. Whatever his reasons, I’m sure they’re fine. Yes, Carlos! I believe you! Time is randomly stopping sometimes!
Strange sounds have been reported to be coming from the Community Center. As a reminder, the Community Center has been closed down for years after everyone decided to let someone else handle the upkeep and nobody stepped up to be ‘someone else’. “But what about our tax dollars? Can’t they pay someone to take care of it?” You might be asking, and to that I say: let’s go to the weather.”
“Welcome back, listeners. To ease you back into the flow of things, let’s start with the community calendar.
On Tuesday, JojaMart is hosting their annual ‘Throw Joja Cola Into Waterways’ party. Although the title of the party says “throw,” Morris- manager of the Pelican Town’s JojaMart- has said that any method of freeing the Joja Cola is allowed, including slingshots, catapults, trebuchets, and “just dropping it, because all of that sounds like a lot of effort and I don’t really feel like doing that right now.” You can pick up Joja Cola at JojaMart for seventy-five gold.
On Wednesday, stare out over the ocean and wonder what lies beyond. Think of how insignificant your life must be to the giant squid that lives far beyond what you can see- or the old books claim. Fall to your knees in the sand and beg Yoba for a purpose, a meaning, anything to give your small speck of an existence meaning.
On Thursday, it’s Kent’s birthday! Remember to tell him “happy birthday” and give him a gift: he loves Fiddlehead Risotto and Roasted Hazelnuts, but will also accept daffodils, which can be found around town this time of year. Do not give him sashimi: I repeated, do not give him sashimi.
Friday brings a cloud. Not a sky full of them, but a single cloud that flows overhead. It will be in the shape of a duck, and will be beautiful. Anyone with a view of the sky will shed a single tear, filled with joy at their three-dimensional world.
On Saturday, Sam will be doing a “sick trick” on his skateboard. He has been practicing this for a while and asks that Sebastian come out of his room so he can show him the trick. He sounds really excited about it.
Now, back to the news.
Carlos, perfect and beautiful, came into our studio during the break earlier but declined to stay for an interview. He had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes. Said he was “testing the place for materials.” I don’t know what materials he meant, but that box sure whistled and beep a lot! When he put it close to the microphone, it sounded like- well, like a bunch of children were just turned into doves and upset about it. Really went crazy. Carlos looked nervous… I’ve never seen that kind of look on someone with that strong of a jaw. He left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the building, but then, who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there?
It’s settling in to be another clear and pretty evening here in Nightdew Valley. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with, or at least good memories of when you did. For most of you, those memories probably come before your divorce with the Farmer. Cherish those memories.
Good night, listeners. Good night.”