Work Text:
Hello, sweet boy,
It's your birthday today. I have so much to tell you.
I didn't edit quotes this year because there's only so many quotes a girl can edit before she exhausts the content of the books (your life) but I did make cherry scones in your honour (in the middle of a heatwave because why not.) (I ate them with big slabs of butter. You were right: it is the superior way to eat scones!)
Listen, the truth is, some days, I think I've moved on. I think I've put you in the past. I think I'm clinging on to you because of my stubborn need to finish my WIP.
But then your birthday comes and I'm right back where I started.
You're turning 29 this year. So close to 30! Thinking about it makes me very emotional. I can't help but be like, “my baby’s growing up so fast 🥹”
Is it stupid, feeling emotional over a fictional character’s birthday? Or even celebrating it? Or writing a letter you'll never read because your unremarkably blue eyes are made of ink on paper?
Maybe it is. I don't know. I don't feel stupid.
I feel very motherly towards you. I love Baz wildly, but you? I want to protect and nurture, always.
When I met you, you were 18 and 22, both at once.
When I fell in love with you, you were still 18 but also 24. I feel like I'm watching you grow up and grow old.
Do you remember when nobody thought you would live past 20? I'm so glad you're getting this chance at life. I bet you're thriving. I bet you're having the time of your life forklifting things.
Sometimes, I wonder what else is going on in your life. You and Baz are married by now, that much I know. Are you planning on adopting kids? Are you celebrating your birthday with Lady Ruth? Did she bake you 29 cakes today?
A part of me is glad I don't have the answers to any of these questions. It means that I get to imagine whatever I want.
But whatever you're doing, I hope you're secure in your relationships with others and with yourself. I hope you're happy.
You came back into my life when I needed you the most, I think, because you were there right about the time I lost my dog and if I didn't lose myself in grief, that was because I had you to lean on. And you were also there when work was bad and I felt like I was going crazy. I loved you so much by then, I couldn't stop smiling through the day. Thinking about you gave me such a boost of endorphins. You made hard days seem easy, you and Baz and Penny.
If you were real, I might tell you how important you are to me in person.
I don't think Baz would mind me telling his husband how amazing he is (although you might not believe it or even want to hear it) or how much my life has changed because of you. I think he would be proud. I think he would tell you I'm right.
But you're not real so I can only write this letter and cradle all of these feelings in my heart.
Do you know what's real, though? The impact you've had on my life.
The friendships I've made, they were real. The fun I've had. The people I've admired from afar and those I've loved and lost.
The hobbies I picked up and the skills I've honed, they're real, too.
I've bought clothes because they reminded me of Baz or because they bore the Watford insignia. I wear them when I feel bad and need a hug.
Lex Croucher is one of my favourite authors now. Their books bring me so much joy and that's indirectly thanks to you.
And understanding I'm ace, too.
You see, if I'd not loved you, I wouldn't have joined the discord server. I wouldn't have read one particular discussion that made me go oooh. I would probably still be wondering what's wrong with me. I'm at peace with this side of myself now, and I like myself more, and I owe it to you as much as to the people I've met there who have shaped me into the person I am today.
Darling boy, you're so kind and brave and funny. You don't even know how funny you are.
You're a miracle, Simon. I wish you could see that. I hope Baz continues to tell you so daily. I hope he got you that medal you deserve so much.
You brought so much magic to my life - to so many people’s lives. Do you have any idea how many people have formed life-altering friendships and even found (romantic) love through loving and celebrating you? Do you have any idea how many lives you've changed for the better? Some people have marked you into their skin. Some made whole careers out of what started as fanart. Isn't it amazing?
And, do you know, it occurred to me just this past Thursday that you were never meant to exist. Not in your world and not in ours either. You were fiction within fiction, Simon. You were meta. An accessory in someone else's story.
Nothing would be the same if Rainbow had not seen your and Baz's potential. I thank all the gods for her because imagine that: a world without Simon Snow in it. What a terrifying thought.
Thank fuck I'll never have to experience it.
I love you, rosebud boy.
Happy birthday ❤️