Chapter Text
It had been approximately a year since all the shit with Christian had settled down.
In the end, Ethan had been able to come back into the forefront, instead of spending the rest of his life in hiding, after it was “revealed” that Dean had tricked and manipulated him into confessing for his crimes.
Dean, as in Hansel, not Christian. Xander still wasn’t sure how Christian had managed to pull that one off; although he figured he was a genius beyond what his mind could even comprehend, so he didn’t dwell too much on it.
Hansel had been given multiple life sentences for his supposed crimes. Xander had mixed feelings about that. On one hand, Hansel was a total asshole, he had no qualms about him being locked up for the rest of his days. It was entirely warranted.
On the other, the fact that Christian had gotten off completely scot-free by the means of the law rubbed him the wrong way sometimes. Although, he kept those thoughts mostly to himself.
Christian was still… present in everyone’s lives, and although Xander had always made his contempt about that perfectly clear, there wasn’t much he could actually do about it. Zeyn and Micah were still attached to him, and they were adults. It wasn’t like he could control them. His own scarce interactions with Christian involved strained pleasantries and nothing deeper.
Ethan completely avoided Christian, mostly. In the beginning, Christian had made obvious attempts to woo him again, but they had been quickly shut down by Xander who had told him in no uncertain terms that any attempts to worm his way back into a relationship with Ethan would get him permanently banned from his house, regardless of what Zeyn and Micah had to say about it.
(“But Xander, that’s not fair. I still love him.”)
(“If you truly loved him, you’d know damn well the best thing you could do for him would be to leave him alone, Christian. You’re not good for him.”)
So, Christian did. Admittedly, Xander could acknowledge that he was clearly trying to become a better person. A small, resentful part of him still thought it was unfair that he was cruising through life with much less consequences than he deserved, but Xander knew better than most that life was nothing if not unfair. So, he shut up and moved on.
Ethan had been offered his previous position as a police officer once again, and had even been considering accepting it, until Xander had intervened (he was really getting far too involved in the ex-cop’s life, he supposed, but Ethan was pushy as well, so he’d thought he might as well match the sentiment.)
“I don’t think you should take the offer,” Xander had stated, drumming his fingertips lightly on top of Ethan’s legs, which were propped up on his lap, “For now.”
Ethan had frowned, dark eyebrows scrunching together. “And why not? I miss my job, Alex. I miss having something to do.”
“You’re not ready.” Xander remarked bluntly, deciding to be straightforward. “I get why you want to go back to work, but you’ve gone through an unbelievable amount of shit these past few years. You need a break.”
Ethan chewed the inside of his cheek, his expression considerate. “I want to go back to work eventually.”
“I know.” Xander flipped through the pages of his book. “And you will. But you shouldn’t now. You’re not in the right mental space for it. You’ll overwork yourself and burn out.”
Ethan tilted his head to the side. “You know me too well.” He muttered, his demeanor slightly disgruntled.
“Well, yeah. I’m not gonna make any choices for you, ex-cop. It’s your life at the end of the day. But think about it, really think about it before you make any big decisions.”
In the end, Ethan had quietly declined the offer for the time being. Neil had been surprised, but seemed pleased by the rejection if anything.
Another thing that had happened occurred three months prior. It had started with Ethan braiding Xander’s hair, and had ended with him climbing into Xander’s lap and kissing him. So. That was that.
To call what they had a relationship wouldn’t be… necessarily accurate. But friends-with-benefits felt far too impersonal. There was too much intimacy and casual time spent together for that.
They had decided not to place any labels on it, and Xander was more than content with that. Even if it had been a year since it all “ended”, the dust was still settling, and frankly, with everything that had occurred with Christian, Xander and Ethan had both decided that it would be for the best that they kept whatever they had on the down low. For the sake of not upsetting anyone.
Plus, they also acknowledged that neither of them were really ready for a committed relationship and all of the pressures that came with one yet, and probably wouldn't be for a while. (Privately, Xander was doing it more for Ethan’s benefit than his own. Christian had done a lot of damage. But he would never voice that aloud. The ex-cop wasn’t at all fond of being coddled, a sentiment Xander could entirely empathise with.)
So, all in all, Xander could proudly say they were handling it pretty well. He found he kind of enjoyed spending time with Ethan again, although he was loath to admit that out loud. There was something quietly domestic about their interactions nowadays, and he didn’t hate it, actually.
Also. The sex was good, too. So there was that.
Xander let his hands glide idly up and down Ethan’s thighs, the sound of the other man’s quiet groans and shallow breathing spurring him on. Ethan was heavy on Xander’s tongue, his jaw aching slightly at the girth of him. He forced his throat to relax as he took him deeper, sucking in long, hard pulls, hollowing out his cheeks, and Ethan gasped sharply, hips bucking upwards instinctively.
Xander gagged slightly, and he planted one hand firmly on either hip to still them. He glared up at Ethan the best he could through his eyelashes, although he was well aware that his eyes were watery and that it was quite difficult to be intimidating with a dick in your mouth. Still, he knew it got his disapproval across, regardless.
Ethan at least had the grace to look sheepish, murmuring a quiet apology, and threading his fingers through Xander’s hair. “You caught me a little off guard there.”
Xander grunted in acknowledgement, and the resulting shudder he received was fucking adorable. Had his mouth not been occupied, he would have smirked. He relaxed his throat further and tugged Ethan closer to him by the hips, ignoring the feeble protests about not wanting him to choke.
Xander breathed through his nose, trying to focus and suppress his gag reflex as he sank down lower, until his lips were wrapped around the base of him. He almost choked when Ethan hit the back of his throat, and yup, he was definitely tearing up now, judging from the way Ethan was starting to look considerably blurrier, but after a couple of rapid blinks, his vision cleared up again. He glanced up at Ethan through his lashes, and was greeted by the pleasant sight of his flushed face and sex-mussed hair, pretty blue eyes glazed over with pleasure.
He allowed one of his hands to move from Ethan’s hip in order to slip it under the hem of his hoodie and press against his navel to stop his pelvis from bucking up again. The muscles in his abdomen constricted beneath his palm with every shaky inhale Ethan dragged in. Fuck, that was hot.
“Alex,” Ethan said, voice breathy and slightly quivery in the most devastatingly sexy way possible, “Uhm.” His eyes squeezed shut, and he sucked in a harsh, whistling breath through his teeth, as if he was trying to compose himself.
He carded slender fingers through Xander’s hair, although Xander didn’t miss the way they dug slightly into his scalp as if he was resisting the urge to push his head down even further. For now, they didn’t pull. They merely rested there, grounding himself. “Ah. You okay?”
Xander gave him a pointed stare, as if to show that he wasn’t exactly able to respond in his current state. Ethan huffed, cheeks going a little pinker. “A simple thumbs up will suffice for an answer, you know.”
Xander flipped him off. Ethan scoffed quietly. “Oh, how charming.”
Xander rolled his eyes back at him. He was pissing him off, now. But he supposed he’d gone into this with the intention of making Ethan cum, so he would achieve just that. So, whilst maintaining eye contact, his hands still gripping onto his hips, he drew back a little, flattening out his tongue and laving it against the underside of him. Ethan inhaled sharply. “Shit. Oh, my God-”
Xander sunk back down again and swallowed around him, resisting the urge to cough, and moaned, with the hopes that resulting vibrations in his throat would drive Ethan nuts (he was so sensitive. It was kind of cute, really.)
They did. Ethan cursed, his hand gripping Xander’s hair tightly enough that it burned just a little, prickling at his scalp. “F-fucking hell, Alex-”
Xander swallowed around him again, his throat constricting, although this time it was partially in an attempt to get rid of the saliva pooling in his mouth. The lean, corded muscle in Ethan’s thighs flexed on either side of his skull, and Xander was pretty sure he heard a poorly-stifled whine when he pried them further apart with his hands, accompanied by Ethan’s hand grasping at his hair frantically, and his heels digging into his back.
Ethan came pretty quickly, anyhow, with a quiet, muffled moan and dark, fluttering lashes. Easy.
Xander pulled off of him with a slick pop sound, Ethan’s legs falling away from his shoulders. Since he’d been so far down Xander’s throat, swallowing at least some of his release was pretty much inevitable, but Xander held most of it in his mouth. He’d never really been able to get behind swallowing. It didn’t taste that bad per se, but it always gave him pretty bad stomach cramps afterwards.
He patted Ethan on the knee before getting up and awkwardly shuffling into his en suite in order to spit out the cum and saliva that had accumulated in his mouth into the sink. After a moment’s consideration, he opened his cabinet and grabbed a bottle of mouthwash. Ethan had a tendency to get uncharacteristically… soft and needy after he came, which usually involved a lot of kissing. Xander always humoured him, but only because he was a generous person. No other reason. Shut up.
Sometimes Xander wouldn’t gargle after sucking Ethan off, partially out of pettiness, because if he had to suffer through the aftertaste of cum, Ethan should, too, and partially because the way Ethan’s face would scrunch up into a barely-there grimace when he tasted himself on Xander’s tongue was fucking adorable.
But he supposed he was feeling kind today, so Ethan would get to taste - he checked the label on the bottle - spearmint instead of his own semen.
By the time he had finished gargling and was satisfied that there was no remaining saltiness clinging to the roof of his mouth, he trudged back into his bedroom, and Ethan had his sweatpants back on, although the drawstring remained untied. He looked up when Xander entered the room and held his arms out. Cute.
Xander indulged him, slotting himself between his thighs, and hitching his legs around his waist before they sank down into the mattress. He propped himself up on his forearms, staring down at Ethan. At the flush still clinging to his cheekbones, the glassy sheen glazing over beautiful blue eyes, the way he worried his bottom lip between his teeth.
Ethan melted when Xander kissed him, as per usual, winding his arms around his neck with a quiet, contented sigh. He pulled back a little, his eyes searching Xander’s face. “You okay?”
“Fine.” Xander responded, and then almost winced at the hoarseness of his own voice. God, he sounded wrecked.
Ethan frowned. “Is your throat sore?”
It was, kind of. It felt raw, in a way. Nothing he couldn’t handle, though. “Nah.”
He looked a little dubious. “Really?”
“Mhm.”
“I’m going to make you swallow down a lozenge later.”
Xander frowned, irritation flaring slightly. It wasn’t like he was fragile, he could deal with a sore throat. “I don’t need it.” His tone came out a bit more snappy than it should have.
Ethan’s eyebrows shot up. “Uhm… okay, then.” He paused before tapping Xander’s hip with his heel. “Want me to, ah, return the favour…?” His tone was resigned, expectant, like he already knew the answer. Because he did. It was the same one he always got.
“No thanks.” Xander’s response was flippant, and he idly kissed along Ethan’s jaw. Ethan sighed, sounding more frustrated than content now.
“Are you ever gonna let me touch you?”
Xander paused his ministrations, his heartbeat picking up unpleasantly. “Uh. Sure.”
“Really?” Ethan asked dubiously. “‘Cause it’s been three months and I haven’t even seen you naked.”
“Uhm.” Xander chewed the fleshy inside of his cheek. “That’s because I’ve been on my… bleeding… spree.”
“You’ve been on your period,” Ethan echoed him in evident disbelief, “For three months.”
“Indeed.”
Ethan clicked his tongue. “See, now, I would be concerned if I actually believed you. But I don’t. So.”
Xander scowled, drawing back a little to glower at him. “And why’s that, ex-cop?”
Ethan shrugged. “You’re grumpier when you’re on your period. Right now you’re just… regularly cranky.”
Xander’s scowl deepened. “I’m not cranky.”
“Mhm.” Ethan pursed his lips. “Of course you’re not, baby blue.”
“Don’t call me baby blue when you’re patronising me,” Xander hissed.
“I am not,” Ethan carded back some of Xander’s hair, letting out a small, proud hum when he noticed it was clean and washed, “Patronising you. I am merely making a statement.”
Xander gripped his waist hard enough that he hoped it would crush his organs and cause him a slow, painful death (he gently squeezed him), and glared (he pouted) at him. “A patronising statement.”
“No,” Ethan pressed his lips against his hairline, “Just a correct one. But it’s okay to be a little bitchy sometimes.”
“Oh, so now I’m a bitch?”
“You are,” Ethan reaffirmed instead of backtracking and grovelling at Xander’s feet like he should have, “But it’s okay. I like your bitchiness.”
Xander sniffed, scowling at the kiss Ethan pecked at the tip of his nose. “I’m only a bitch to you, I’ve have you know.”
“Oh, I know.” The corners of Ethan’s lips twitched into a faint, rare smile. “I just feel so lucky, honestly.”
“Good. You are.”
Pause. Ethan buried his nose in Xander’s hair and inhaled, and Xander could practically hear the smirk in that smug asshole’s voice when he next spoke. “Is that cherry blossom and rice I smell, baby blue?”
“No.” Xander’s face burned. “Shut up.”
“I didn’t know you liked it that much.”
“I don’t.” Xander squirmed away from him. “Shut up.”
“You usually smell like vanilla,” Ethan mused, ignoring Xander’s indignant squawking, “But this is nice, too.”
“Cease.” Xander snapped, his cheeks going pink.
Ethan drew back a little to look at him, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Xander had no idea why he had a reputation for being a kind, honourable soul (yes, he did), and yet nobody acknowledged that he could be such a little shit sometimes. Seriously. He wasn't this stoic, reliable pillar all of the time. He could be downright devious when he wanted to be. Ethan’s little smile shrank slightly. “Can you… talk to me…?”
“I'm talking to you right now,” Xander said, pretending not to know what Ethan was referring to.
“Alex.”
Xander groaned. “I don't get why you're making such a big deal out of this. Most people would be happy about getting off constantly and not having to give anything in return.”
That was true, actually. When Xander had first gotten out of prison, Andrew used to drag him along to clubs and bars to make up for the Early Twenties Experiences™ he had missed out on whilst he was in prison. Hook-up culture and one-night stands were amongst some of them.
Xander had willingly participated in them at first, but having to inform people about what he had going on his pants before they got in them had been… awkward. Humiliating. It felt like yet another step he had to take that other people didn't.
Some people had reacted in outright disgust, some with anger at being “deceived”, some didn’t know what being intersex entailed at all, some didn't voice their disdain out loud, but it was still written all over their faces.
Some people were into it. A little too into it. Having a guy whisper “You know, I’ve always wanted to fuck a hermaphrodite. It's just like in porn, eh?” in his ear with three fingers knuckle-deep inside of him had been ultimately what turned Xander off letting people touch him. (Until Christian, really, but that was an entirely different story, and not necessarily something that had made him feel good about himself either.) Revulsion was bad, but being someone’s fetish had felt far worse, far more dehumanising.
He still hooked up with people for a while after that, but it had been one-sided every time. He’d go down on someone, or jerk them off, or finger them, but whenever they offered to return the favour, he’d turn them down. Most people were bewildered by the refusal, but nobody really cared. It was a free orgasm, right? Nobody questioned it, because why would they?
“Well, I’m not most people, then.” Ethan said flatly.
Unfortunately, Ethan Collins was a nosy little bastard, so of course he was questioning it. God damn it.
Xander clenched his teeth. “It’s really not that big of a deal, ex-cop. Maybe I just like giving more than receiving.”
Ethan’s eyes narrowed, and he looked him over appraisingly. Xander could practically hear the gears turning in his head. Stupid… cop intuition. “Maybe I think you’re lying to me right now.”
“Maybe I think you’re being a nosy bitch.” Xander grumbled. Ethan arched a dark eyebrow.
“Well now I know you’re lying. You get aggressive when you’re being defensive.”
“Uhm,” Xander was extremely irritated that he knew him that well, “No, I don’t. Shut up. Kill yourself.”
Ethan half-shrugged. “Already tried that.” His tone was light-hearted, flippant, but his words still slammed into Xander’s chest like a metaphorical truck.
Xander stared at him, taken aback. “...I’m sorry?”
“Ah.” Ethan’s eyes scanned the most likely aghast expression on Xander’s face. “I neglected to mention that, didn’t I?”
“You did.” Xander schooled his features back to normal, and rubbed his hands up and down the sides of his waist. “Context?”
“It was nothing, really.” Ethan shifted uncomfortably, his fingers flexing at the nape of Xander’s neck.
“Trying to kill yourself is not nothing, stupid.” Xander retorted, but his tone was far too soft, too concerned, for the words to land harshly.
Ethan sighed, his lips thinning as he pressed them together. “Christian.”
Checks out. “Sorry.” Xander pressed a chaste kiss against his pursed lips. “About that. And also for telling you to kill yourself. I didn’t mean it.”
“I know, don’t worry.”
Pause. Xander gnawed on his bottom lip. “Wanna talk about it?”
Ethan shook his head. “Not right now. Another time, okay?”
“Okay.”
The next afternoon, Xander had been serenely reading in the sanctuary of his room, when Ethan Collins burst in unceremoniously, disrupting his peace and quiet. Well. Perhaps that was an exaggeration. He was quite polite about it. He even knocked, although he didn’t actually give Xander the opportunity to respond before he strided inside, which, Xander would argue, kind of defeated the purpose of knocking in the first place.
“Alexander Romano Lee.” Ethan said accusingly, his arms folded across his chest as he leaned against the doorframe.
Xander looked up from his book, one eyebrow cocked incredulously. “Ex-cop.” He greeted him back. “How do you know my full name?”
Ethan blushed a charming shade of pink. Cute. “I asked Miss Diana. I didn’t know you took her last name.”
“I did,” Xander confirmed, “After my father died. I mostly go by Lee because it’s easier. But I wanted my mama’s surname first.”
“Oh.” Ethan cocked his head to the side. “That’s actually very sweet.”
“Thanks.” Xander closed his book. “Is there any particular reason why you decided to invade my room and call me by my full government name?”
“Right.” Ethan walked over until he stood at the foot of the bed, his arms still crossed. “You are not communicating with me.”
One thing that they had agreed on before they began whatever this was was that they had to communicate. A lot. Lack of communication and misunderstandings had destroyed their relationship in the past, and they were trying to avoid that happening again.
Xander set his book aside, a pit settling in his stomach. So we’re doing this, then. “What makes you think that?”
“You keep dodging my questions.” Ethan stated, as he climbed onto the bed. “Why?”
“I’m not.” Xander denied, avoiding looking at his stupidly gorgeous face, and resisting the urge to start drumming his fingers. He wasn’t good at lying, never had been.
Ethan scoffed and reached out, wrapping his fingers around Xander’s ankle and dragging him down the bed despite his attempts to escape until he lay flat on his back underneath him, ignoring the half-hearted kick he gave him to the ribs.
He loomed over Xander, dusky brown-and-grey hair hanging down, his expression stern in a way that was sort of maybe kind of sexy. “You’re a terrible liar, you know that?”
Xander swallowed, looking away quickly, and willing the flush he could feel creeping up his chest to not reach his face. “‘M not lying.”
“Really?” Ethan asked flatly. “Why won’t you look at me, then?”
“Because you’re extremely hideous,” Xander responded lamely. Ugh. Out of all the excuses he could have said, he decided to choose the least believable one. As if anyone could consider Ethan Collins to be remotely unattractive in any way.
“Hideous?” Ethan echoed. “Do you really think that, baby blue?”
Baby blue. Xander gulped, heat rising to his cheeks as he made the mistake of risking a peek at him and almost perished on the spot. “...No.”
“You won’t let me touch you.” Ethan said, “At all.”
“Uh.” Xander felt sweat beading at his hairline as he tried to think of a believable lie. Fuck, he was so bad at it.
“If you’re uncomfortable about hooking up,” Ethan rubbed his thumb over the thin skin of Xander’s ankle, “I would appreciate it if you told me so we could stop.”
“No, no,” Xander said hurriedly, “I’m not uncomfortable with us hooking up. I like it. Seriously.”
Ethan’s blue eyes were studying, calculating as they searched Xander’s face. Once he seemed to catch no trace of deception, he sighed. “I don’t get it, then. What am I doing wrong?”
“Nothing.” Xander said. You’re perfect, he thought. That’s the problem.
Because God, Ethan was perfect, and it still killed Xander a little sometimes. A small part of him had always… wondered. If part of the reason Christian chose Ethan over him was because Ethan could… satisfy him in ways Xander couldn’t. It had been stupid and fueled by his own insecurities, and realistically he’d known it was as simple as Christian loving Ethan and not him, sex didn’t make a difference. But it still hurt him, like thorns pricking at his already fragile, bruised self esteem.
So, a tiny, petty part of Xander had secretly hoped that there’d be something wrong… down there. Like he’d have a micropenis or he’d get erectile dysfunction or that his dick would just be… fucked up in general. But nope. Ethan’s dick was perfectly fine. Hell, it was actually kind of pretty, which was sort of insane, because Xander didn’t even know dicks could be pretty. But he supposed if anyone’s would be, it would be Ethan’s.
And Xander was far from pretty down there. He was weird and fucked up and not right, and he hated it.
And Ethan was gay, wasn’t he? He liked men. And Xander wasn’t-...
He wasn’t-
“Well, it has to be something.” Frustration bled into Ethan’s tone, his eyebrows knitting together.
Xander didn’t want to have this conversation at all. “It’s not.” He said.
Ethan huffed, swinging one leg and then the other over Xander until he straddled his torso. Xander was almost certain it was to prevent him from escaping the discussion, but he let his hands settle on his hips regardless.
“Talk to me.” Ethan said firmly, his voice starting to gain a pleading tinge. “Alex.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Xander said stiffly.
He watched Ethan drag in a breath that whistled through his clenched teeth, his hands balling up into fists on Xander’s chest. “Alex, I- I can’t do this.”
Xander blinked, caught off guard. “What?”
“I can’t. We were supposed to communicate. And you’re not. At all. I can’t do this if you’re not going to tell me what’s going on. I just- you’re so clearly hiding something from me, and it’s- it’s awful, okay, I’m getting the same feeling I had when I was dating Christian, and it’s not like- it’s obviously not the same situation- but I need you to communicate with me, or I’ll lose my mind, okay?”
Fuck. Xander felt really bad now. “I’m sorry,” he said, sitting up so Ethan slid down from sitting on his stomach to sitting on his lap, his hands shifting from his hips so his arms could encircle his waist, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Ethan half-shrugged, gaze diverted, but he looped his arms over Xander’s shoulders, which was a good sign. “Be honest with me. Please.”
Xander swallowed. “I want to have sex with you.”
Ethan’s eyes snapped from where they had been staring at the wall to meet his. “You- seriously?”
Xander nodded. He had never seen Ethan look so shellshocked in his life. The ex-cop seemed to take a few moments to compose himself, before clearing his throat. “I don’t want you to sleep with me because you’re trying to appease me or because I’m forcing you, or-”
Xander snorted, cutting him off. “Funny you think I’d do anything to appease you, ex-cop. Or that you could force me to do something I don’t want to.”
Ethan looked thoughtful. “That’s… true. But the fact that you’re saying this now that I’ve confronted you instead of during the three months we’ve already been hooking up is what concerns me. Why the change of heart, then, if you’re not just trying to appease me? You’ve never wanted me to touch you before.”
“I have.” Xander muttered, heat rising to his cheeks and sinking down into his gut simultaneously. “Like…” he swallowed, feeling Ethan’s gaze boring into his face, suddenly too flustered to make eye contact. “I’ve really wanted it.”
“Oh.” Out of the corner of his eye, he noted the way Ethan seemed to have gone red, too. “Okay.” He worked his bottom lip between his teeth. “...So, then, why didn’t you let me?”
Because I can pretend to myself that I’m normal almost all the time, until shit like this reminds me that I’m not. Because I’m afraid that the second you see me, you’ll think of me the same way I think of myself. Because I’m afraid letting you touch me like that will make me less of a man. Because back in prison, all of the inmates called me your bitch and I’m afraid it’s true. Because I was so desperate for Christian to want me back then that I let him do whatever he wanted in an attempt to keep him close, and it didn’t even work. Because every time he touched me there I wanted to die, and it didn’t even work.
Xander half-shrugged. “I was insecure.”
It wasn’t a lie, necessarily - just an understatement in the grossest sense of the word. He was insecure. Ethan just didn’t know the extent of it, how self-deprecation was etched not just into his flesh in the form of ugly, mangled scar tissue, but into the very essence of his being, wrapping its thorny tendrils around his ugly, mangled soul.
“Okay,” Ethan said slowly, one of his hands moving to gently tilt Xander’s head towards him, “What made you change your mind?”
Xander swallowed, his mouth going dry. God, his eyes were so beautiful. Blue, yes, so, so blue. Impossibly so. But they were so deep and swirling with different shades and colours and soft with a sort of dangerous tenderness neither of them dared to name, and-
God, Xander hated himself for it, but he wanted to let him in so badly. Because Ethan Collins had been there before the wealth and the reputation, and the faux-cockiness. Because he had been there when Xander was just the kid who killed his father in cold blood, and he had said there was more to that story than just the newspaper headline. Because a tiny, stupidly hopeful part of him hoped that maybe Ethan would look past all of his ugliness and find him beautiful.
Yeah, right.
But-
He tapped Ethan’s navel with his fingertips. “I want to feel you.” He tapped his own pelvis, feeling heat simmer and bubble up like hot water boiling over, low in his gut. “Inside.”
Ethan’s eyes were soft. Still searching, still slightly concerned. But darker, shifting from azurite to something closer to midnight, as he cocked his head to the side, his thumb running over the seam of Xander’s lips. “You can.”
Xander nodded, suddenly feeling small and vulnerable and not entirely in control in a way that he didn’t entirely hate. Then, he despised that he didn’t hate it. That it felt sort of okay. That it made his palms feel sweaty and something ache between his thighs. It was like he was proving every single little loathsome thought that circulated in his head right.
He wouldn’t submit. Especially not to Ethan Collins. He wasn’t- he wasn’t. He wasn’t small or weak or fragile.
He allowed his lips to twist into a cocky smirk. “You want that, ex-cop? You want to be inside of me that badly?”
Ethan’s response wasn’t their usual back-and-forth Xander was used to. He crossed his ankles behind the small of his back, and when he spoke, it wasn’t the flustered tone Xander had been hoping for. His voice was painfully sincere. “I do. So badly.”
Oh.
Ethan tilted his chin upwards. “Can we talk about this before we… you know. I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
“Y-yeah. Uhm. Sure. Yes. Later.”
“Okay. Later.” Ethan pressed a kiss to his temple, and Xander almost melted, only not doing so because he steeled himself and just about managed to resist.
God, he was so fucked.