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John knocks on his roommate’s door, beginning to get more and more insistent as time goes on. He’s been worried about Karkat for a while, as the troll started to become more of a hermit in his room than ever. Not that Karkat had ever been exactly social.
John hasn’t seen Karkat leave his room for at least a day, and before that he had been crabbier than ever.
“Come on, Karkat. I know you’re in there.” After that and a few more knocks, the door creaks open. John squints at the darkness of the room. Karkat has thick black curtains to keep out the sun, but normally he has a few dim lamps turned on to light the room. Now it is nothing but pitch black.
“Karkat?”
“Down here, dumpass,” Karkat’s voice croaks.
John looks down to see that Karkat is sitting on the floor, leaning back on the wall next to his door.
“Egbert, I swear to Jegus, you better have a good reason for interrupting me.”
John just smiles down at him. “It doesn’t look like I’m interrupting anything.”
Karkat growls. It’s not his normal irritated growl, and the noise actually startles John. The growl sounds more feral now; more like a wild animal than a troll.
“I actually wanted to tell you that I cooked dinner,” John says, his voice wavering slightly. “I haven’t seen you leave the room for a while, so I thought you might be hungry.”
Karkat’s head tilts up to make eye contact with John, his eyes squint from the light in the hallway, and his scowl is still present.
“What is it? Some sort of stupid human slop?”
“Steak,” John replies simply.
Karkat’s eyes widen, despite their aversion to the light. “Steak? You can’t afford steak.”
John giggles slightly. “It was in the discount section. It’s not expired yet, but I figured we should still eat it soon, just in case. And I thought it might actually lure you out of your room.”
Karkat bites his lip, trying and failing to hide his salivation. “You said you cooked it. You didn’t do anything stupid to it, right?”
“For mine, I seasoned and grilled it to a juicy medium rare,” John says, and smiles a bit at the pout forming on Karkat’s face. “But yours I didn’t do anything to, and only left on the grill long enough for it to get warm, like a freshly killed moo-beast.”
Karkat’s eyes start glimmering with what could be tears of joy. “John Egbert, you are truly a saint. And not a stupid one, like from the juggalo religion.”
John just laughs and holds out a hand for his roommate. The troll grabs his hand, and pulls himself up to stand.
“Come on. I was hoping I could convince you to eat out here with me.”
Karkat grumbles, but still follows John out in the living/dining room of the small apartment they share. He scowls and sits at the patio furniture that they call their dining room table. His mood lightens when John places an extremely rare steak in front of him, complete with steak fries. He doesn’t even bother with utensils, and immediately sinks his claws into the meat.
John sits at the other end of table, mostly unfazed. This is Karkat’s normal reaction to steak, even though this time he’s being a bit more enthusiastic than usual.
“So, what’s up with you?” John asks. “You’ve been acting weird for days.”
“It’s perfectly normal,” Karkat says, bites of steak rolling around in his mouth.
“No it isn’t,” John argues. “I heard you took some sick leave from work. You’re not going to lose all your time off, are you?”
“No,” Karkat says, swallowing his food so he can talk normally. “I have a troll boss, so he understands what’s going on.”
“So, there is something going on,” John says.
Karkat growls, realizing his mistake. “Look, just don’t worry about it, okay? It’s just not your business.”
“Of course it’s my business. We’re roommates and friends,” John says.
“Yeah, friends,” Karkat mutters.
John frowns. He’s well aware that their status as friends is a rocky one, filled with lots of misunderstandings and disappointments, especially for Karkat. It’s really not a secret, even to John, that Karkat wishes they were more than friends. Unfortunately, John still has several shreds of heterosexuality left intact that he’s in no hurry to dispose of.
Karkat has awkwardly tried to upgrade their relationship status several times, leading to many awful letdowns. Karkat also tried to move out several times as a result, leading only to John begging him not to leave despite their relationship related misunderstandings. These displays of bromance were not helped by the fact that John likes to engage in many non-heterosexual practices with his roommate, such as bro-hugging and cuddling, usually over a crappy movie and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. John is basically the king of mixed signals, and he is not completely unaware of the fact that this makes him kind of a dick.
Karkat sighs at the sight of John’s face, which has developed into a full grown pout. “Look, I didn’t mean anything by that, okay? I’m just saying that you don’t really need to know because it really doesn’t involve you. It’s a troll thing.”
John rolls his eyes. “I’d still like to know why you’re sulking in your room all the time. If it’s a troll thing, then just explain it to me. I’ll understand.”
“I’m not sulking,” Karkat says, stuffing some fries covered in steak sauce into his mouth. “It’s more like… meditating.”
John cocks his head to the side, confused. “Why?”
Karkat sighs. “Fine. Obviously, you’re not going to leave me alone about this until I tell you.”
John nods, chewing on a bite of his steak.
“There’s no direct translation for it in your language. The closest approximation would be to say that I’m… in heat.”
John nearly chokes on his steak. “Wait… what?”
Karkat’s face begins to turn red. “Look, I know it’s been explained to you how troll reproduction works, right?”
John nods. “Buckets. Drones. Mothergrub. Incestuous slurry.”
“Right,” Karkat says. “But the drones don’t show up at your door at just any time. Trolls go into… heat… and their body begins to pump full of mating hormones. The hormones send the troll into a mating frenzy so that their bodies will collect the genetic material from their matesprit and kismesis. The hormones both alert the troll’s partners that it is time to mate, as well as alerting the drone that it needs to come to collect. The drone would then show up at the end of the troll’s heat cycle.”
John makes sure to swallow his food before gaping at the troll in confusion. “But… there are no mating drones anymore.”
“Yeah, try telling that to my nook,” Karkat mutters. “It’s not like logic goes into this. Trolls have evolved like this. Every instinct is telling my body that I have to mate, and soon, because it is literally a life or death situation. Even though it isn’t.”
John puts down his fork, still confused. “Wait. So, all trolls go through this? Because I saw Terezi today, and she was fine.”
“Not all trolls go into heat at the same time, dipshit,” Karkat spits. “Could you imagine how impossible it would be for the drones to collect all of the genetic material from all of the trolls at the same time? Different trolls go into heat at different times. It’s primarily determined by blood-caste, but it’s slightly different for everyone.”
Karkat goes back to murdering his steak as John just sort of nods.
“So, why are you locking yourself in your room then?”
Karkat rolls his eyes. “I don’t exactly have a matesprit or a kismesis, do I? So, the typical 'solution' to the problem really isn’t an option.”
“Couldn’t you just umm… you know?” John’s face grows red as he attempts to ask his question. He makes a hand gesture, which would make sense to a human as the sign for jacking off, but the subtlety is lost on Karkat.
“What are you talking about?” Karkat asks, his words garbled with raw meat.
“Well, uh… humans don’t go into heat, but… when we have urges we just… do things ourselves?” He didn't mean for it to be a question, but the unsure tone slipped into his voice all the same.
“Do… what… yourself?”
“You know… masturbation.”
Karkat shakes his head. “That word doesn’t mean anything to me. What?”
John feels the heat coming off of his face. “Gee, what’s the boring way that Rose would say it? Umm, humans… stimulate their… sexual organs… to climax.”
Karkat’s face pales slightly. “By… by themselves?”
John nods. “Yeah, you just sort of take your hand and…” He weakly mimes the act of jerking off again, feeling fairly stupid.
“Trolls can’t do that,” Karkat says simply, tearing into the last remains of his steak. “Sure, I could just stroke my bulge, but that really wouldn’t help in this situation.”
“Why not?” John asks.
“Why do you care?” Karkat replies.
John pauses long enough to realize that he doesn’t know why. To be honest, this conversation is getting very uncomfortable and it would be very easy to stop. “I guess I just want to understand the problem.”
Karkat just sighs. “Grab my Alternian biology book off the shelf. I’ll show you.”
John got up to get it. When he gets back to the table, he notices that a lot of his fries miraculously disappeared from his plate, and migrated to Karkat’s. He decides not to say anything, given that Karkat seems to be dealing with a lot.
Karkat cracks open the book and flips through the pages. The book is written completely in Alternian, so most of it eludes John. He can understand a few spoken phrases, but the written language is very complex.
Karkat flips his way to a diagram of troll reproductive organs and turns the book so John can see it.
“Fine. You want the gory details? I’ll give them to you.” The troll stuffs a few more steak-sauce covered fries into his mouth before continuing. “As you probably know, trolls are mostly hermaphroditic. Early on in the evolution of our species, we had two genders like humans do, but then we evolved past that. So, now males and females are mostly the same, with only slight, unimportant, differences between the genders.
“So, basically all of our anatomy looks like this. A bone-bulge, which protects our more sensitive bulge-appendage, and then behind that is the nook.”
“Right,” John interrupts. “The bulge is like a human penis, right? So, you just stroke that and…”
“That would be fine if I wanted to trick my body into thinking I was depositing genetic material. But right now, my body wants to receive genetic material.”
John bites his lip. “Oh.”
“Right, so that involves the nook,” Karkat explains. “There are basically two options to make my body feel like it’s fulfilled this retarded biological imperative. Either fill the genetic sacks to the point where the body feels satisfied, or stimulate the pressure nub, tricking the body into the thinking that it’s filled.”
Karkat points at the nub, located further up into the nook. “The nub is kind of like a biological failsafe, so that if the genetic sacks don’t register that they are being filled, pressure on the nub will have the same effect. Most trolls that aren’t interested in reproduction just have their partners stimulate that, and it will help ease the pain of being in heat.”
“Wait, pain?” John asks.
“Well, yeah,” Karkat says. “If you ignore it, it goes from something like a nagging itch to a burning pain.”
“Eek.”
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Karkat deadpans. “Anyway, the problem with the nub is that no troll can reach it by themselves. That’s kind of the point of it. And even if I could, I’ve heard of trolls mutilating themselves trying to get to it. And I’d rather not get into that.”
“I can’t blame you there,” John says.
Karkat nods, closing the book. “And so, instead, I lock myself in my room and wait out the urges.”
“So, how long will it last?” John asks.
Karkat sighs. “Oh, just another… week and a half.”
John’s eyes widen. “Jeez, how are you going to make it that long?”
“Your show of support for me is truly awe-inspiring,” Karkat says, frowning. “I’m so glad we had this talk so that you could support me with touching words like that.”
“Sorry,” John mutters. “But it’s just that… it’s only been three days, and it seems like this is hitting you pretty hard.”
Karkat nods slowly. “Actually, I should get back to my room. The food kept me occupied, but now that it’s gone…” He trails off and stands up, the latter seeming to take more effort than it should.
“Are you sure some company wouldn’t help take your mind off of it?” John asks, smiling hopefully.
Karkat shakes his head. “No. Trolls in heat without a matesprit or a kismesis have a tendency to… well, let’s just say there have been cases of them doing some pretty terrible things and leave it at that. My best bet is to just sort of wait it out alone.”
He begins trudging back to his room.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” John asks.
He hears Karkat mumble something.
“What was that?”
“I said… I said buy more steaks if you can.” With that, Karkat slumps back into his room and shuts the door.
John is pretty sure that wasn’t what he said the first time. The first time it sounded suspiciously like, “Yeah, but you won’t.” John isn’t sure what hurt more: the implication that he wouldn’t help his friend, or the fact that Karkat is probably right. Since helping in this case likely involves sex. Non-hetero-normative sex.
John sighs and goes about cleaning up the dishes that he and Karkat left behind. As he turns on the sink to wash them, his thoughts begin to wander.
It’s not really that he doesn’t feel that way about Karkat. He always knew his feelings for the troll weren’t exactly normal ‘just friend’ feelings. But he was never really ready to accept that and see where it went. He always figured that maybe one day he’d be ready though. He figured someday he would admit to himself that heterosexuality wasn’t that big a deal, especially since trolls are hermaphroditic aliens, so homosexuality is really kind of relative in that case anyway.
The memories of all his mixed-signal escapades wash over him, and John feels guilty for them all over again. If he hadn’t kept (inadvertently) toying with Karkat, the troll might actually have someone in his quadrants right now. Someone that could actually help him.
John isn’t sure how he feels about that either, because for some reason the idea of Karkat filling up his quadrants makes his stomach flip. Especially the thought of him filling his red quadrant with someone.
And then it suddenly hits John that his last pathetic shreds of heterosexuality seemed to be fraying right in front of him.
He leaves the dishes in the soapy water and towels his hands dry. He then marches out of the kitchen and down the hall with purpose, knocking on Karkat’s door.
The troll grumbles, and there is some thumping before the door finally opens, and the troll and human are face to face.
“Egbert, this better have something to do with food.”
John freezes, realizing he has no idea what to say. He reviews all of the relationship knowledge that he has ever gained from Karkat’s crappy romcoms for something to say in this situation. Unfortunately, no movie has ever prepared him for what to say to your alien roommate in heat that you just realized you might be homosexual for.
“Uh, why are we just standing here?” Karkat asks.
Finally, John does the only thing he can think of: He grabs Karkat by the collar of his shirt and mashes their mouths together. Buckteeth and fangs scrape against one another as lips smash together like trash-compactors. John vaguely wonders if they could contact the Guinness Book of World Records to have it recorded as the least romantic kiss in either human or troll history.
The kiss mercifully breaks, and Karkat stumbles backwards a step, dazed. “What the fuck, John?”
Before John can reply, Karkat leaps at him, locking their mouths together again. This kiss is much better than the first, though still awkward. Now that Karkat is an active participant, it’s less smashing and more caressing. Karkat catches John’s lower lip between his teeth, and the needle-like points brushing his soft lips send chills down John’s spine. Karkat is careful not to draw blood though, instead running his rough tongue over John’s lip.
They break away again, Karkat leaning onto John for support.
“John, seriously, what the fuck is going on here?”
John smiles. “You need help, and I’m here.”
Karkat’s eyes widen; two yellow moons plastered to his face. “John, I don’t really know what you think this is, but you have to know… I am not in a position where I can just stop, okay? So, unless you’re serious about this and… and you’re willing to, well… go all the way, if you know what I mean… Well, we should just stop now if you think you’re going to chicken out, okay?”
John nods, his unruly hair tickling Karkat’s temple as he does. “Well, I just figured that if there was ever a right time to give up this whole heterosexuality thing, now would be a great time.”
Karkat grunts in agreement, turning his head to look into the human’s eyes. Their noses brush together, and Karkat can’t stop himself from panting a bit.
“Seriously, John. I need to know why you’re doing this now. Because in another minute, I won’t care.”
“Because I love you,” John says. “And because when you need a helping hand, and nothing is going right, you should just close your eyes and think of me. And soon I’ll be there, to brighten up your darkest nights—”
Karkat shuts him up by shoving his tongue into John’s mouth.
“Don’t quote crappy song lyrics,” Karkat mutters when they break away again.
John giggles. “I only did it because I know you love to shut me up.”
Karkat pulls him closer. “Jegus, this is my new favorite way to shut you up.”
Karkat’s next enthusiastic kiss knocks John off-kilter, and soon they’re lying in a pile on the floor with Karkat writhing on top.
“Are you okay?” Karkat hisses into John’s ear.
John nods.
“Last chance to back out,” Karkat says, his breath tickling the sensitive flesh of John’s neck.
John replies by kissing his way up Karkat’s jawline, up to the troll’s ear, and pulling the cartilage of the ear into his mouth, biting it with his dull teeth.
Karkat moans deeply, and a small chirping noise comes from the back of his throat. John can’t help but laugh.
“That’s a weird noise, Karkat.”
Karkat responds by nipping at his lips. “For fuck’s sake, shut the hell up.”
John complies, putting his lips to better use on Karkat’s own. Soon, Karkat pushes his tongue past John’s bucktoothed line of defense, and their tongues begin an awkward battle for control of John’s mouth.
Karkat runs his hands along the length of John’s torso, soon becoming irritated at the fabric of John’s shirt for separating him from the skin he wants to ravish. His sharpened nails sink into the shirt, and rip it off the human.
John yelps and breaks away from the kiss. “But… but I liked that shirt…”
“I’ll buy you a new one, you fucking nook-stain.”
John is still pouting when Karkat begins exploring his now bare chest. John tries to comment, but is interrupted when one of Karkat’s thumbs brushes a nipple. John shivers, and his voice dies on his lips. Karkat takes notice of this, and wastes no time sucking the alien nub into his mouth.
John makes a sound somewhere between a squeak and a moan. A state of affairs which is only made worse when Karkat begins grinding their crotches together. “Ka-karkat… fuck!”
John’s fingers push under Karkat’s shirt, and rather than ripping it John opts to try to pull it over the troll’s head. Karkat reluctantly pulls away from John, just long enough to let the fabric come loose. As soon as it is gone, Karkat pounces back onto John’s body, this time attacking the human’s neck with his mouth.
John winces. “Ow, Karkat. Watch your teeth.”
Karkat pulls away from him, licking the dribbles of accidentally drawn blood from his lips. “Sorry. Your damn human skin is too fucking thin.”
Karkat returns to his neck, this time kissing and licking at the spot he’d accidentally injured. John writhes beneath him, deciding that this is an acceptable apology. He lets his hands roam over Karkat’s torso. His hands stop on the scars on the troll’s sides. He’s seen grub scars before, but he’s never been able to see first-hand how sensitive they are. He rubs them with his fingers, digging into the scar tissue lightly. Karkat’s body shivers to the touch, and his throat produces more chirping noises.
John laughs. “I think I might like finding all the ways to make you make that noise.”
“Fuck you, bulge-licker,” Karkat gasps between moans.
“I might like to try bulge licking too,” John says, waggling his eyebrows in a way he thinks might be sexy.
It isn’t.
“Not today, dipshit,” Karkat says, his hands flying to the zipper of John’s pants. “Today is all about my stupid-ass nook and the need for something inside it.”
John takes Karkat’s cue and begins helping Karkat to undo his pants. “When you say it like that, it sounds fucking awful. Like, not sexy at all.”
“Screw being sexy. I need you to fuck me.”
John’s face turns a new shade of red, as if up until now it hadn’t occurred to him that that was the plan all along.
The two of them squirm out of their pants, and each pair of eyes immediately jumps to the others crotch.
It was one thing to see a diagram, but there is something completely different for John to look at Karkat’s very real red-tinted tentacle-like bulge. It moves and writhes, and John finds himself wondering if it does that on its own or if Karkat can control it.
Karkat seems equally intrigued by John’s equipment. He runs a hand along the stiff length, careful to keep his sharp nails from running along the skin. John can’t help the moan that escapes his lips.
Karkat moves up to straddle John’s hips, hovering over him. With a slight nod of permission from John, Karkat begins to lower himself. John bites his own lip, nearly overwhelmed by the tight quarters of the nook. Karkat’s face contorts in a mix of pain and pleasure.
“Are you okay?” John asks.
Karkat nods slowly. “Fuck you and your thick fucking alien fuck-bulge. Fuck.”
John decides not to comment on how little sense that sentence made. “Is this going to work for you? How does this feel?”
Karkat begins rolling his hips, easing John into him, and slowly widening his nook around the member. “Didn’t I tell you to shut the hell up? It feels fucking amazing, nook-whiff.”
John’s fingernails dig into the carpet beneath him, and he finds it hard to argue with Karkat’s logic. Karkat takes in the last of John’s length, causing a simultaneous moan.
They begin moving together. John’s hands dart to scratch at Karkat’s back, and Karkat purrs in approval. John wraps his arms around Karkat’s neck, pulling the troll into a kiss. Having distracted him, John rolls, bringing Karkat with him, flipping them so that now John is on top.
“What the fuck did you do that for?” Karkat growls.
John just smirks, while rolling his hips. The movement in his nook makes Karkat gasp. John follows the rolling with a deep thrust, turning the moan into chirps and clicks.
“I thought you might enjoy this,” John says with a snicker.
It’s Karkat’s turn to leave scratches down John’s back. John can’t tell if Karkat managed to break the skin, but he learns that he actually doesn’t care much as he continues thrusting.
“Fuck you, John,” Karkat breathes.
“I think you’re doing that, man. We’re doing that, right now. We’re making it ha—”
Before John can finish that sentence, Karkat’s nook tightens around him, knocking the wind out of him. The troll’s mouth twists into a smirk, proving that it was purposeful.
“I told you to shut the fuck up like three times already, grub-fucker.”
John decides not to argue about it, and continues thrusting faster. He’s close, and if the increasingly alien noises coming from Karkat are any indication, he’s getting close to.
“J-John… Johohn, ffffuuuuuuck.” Karkat moans as his body begins to spasm. The walls of Karkat’s nook writhe and squeeze against John, and soon he can’t hold back anymore. He comes, and with a grunt, collapses on top of the troll.
“Get off me, you sack of excrement,” Karkat groans.
John giggles, and rolls off of him, leaving one arm wrapped around the troll’s chest. If Karkat minds, he doesn’t say anything.
“So, did you finish?” John asks. “I thought trolls were supposed to cum buckets or something.”
Karkat rolls his eyes. “It’s like you didn’t even listen to my lecture on troll biology. A troll in heat receives genetic material, not the other way around, fuckwad.”
John blinks at him. “So, you can’t cum when you’re in heat?”
Karkat tries to glare, but there’s more confusion than anger. “Well, yeah, I can, but that’s not the point of… Why are you asking?”
“Your bulge totally got left out of the action, dude,” John says, giggling. “Maybe I should try being a bulge-licker, like you keep accusing me of. After all, you still have another week and a half to get through, right?”
Karkat turns a brighter shade of red. “John, you are an idiot. You are the absolute worst at human heterosexuality.”
John cuddles closer to the troll. “I love you too, Karkat.”