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Shoko is not a teacher.
She does not want to be a teacher. She could never be paid enough to be a teacher. It’s not that she especially hates children- she just hates everyone the same including children, and Yaga says that makes her unfit to teach children.
Thank god, quite frankly.
What she is is a doctor at a place that happens to be infested with idiotic, hormone-riddled teenagers. After spending her own high school years watching the exceptionally long, drawn-out, and ultimately botched courting rituals of one Gojo Satoru and his best-friend-turned-cult-leader Geto Suguru, she never wanted to be around teenagers again.
But Gojo, the absolute doornail, is refusing to do anything about their little issue, and Shoko is tired of it. Can’t trust that man to do anything that isn’t destroying curses. Now she has to do it herself.
She slams the classroom door open, cigarette in hand, migraine rapidly forming in anticipation of the shit show that’s about to unfold. All seven teenagers immediately stop talking and snap to attention. Well, varying levels of attention. Fushiguro and Okkotsu look mostly asleep, but Itadori looks like he swallowed a miniature sun and is ready to provide solar energy to a small nation state.
So, like, on average they’re paying attention.
“Listen up you little degenerates. It brings me absolutely no joy to do this, but until you learn how to control your hormonal little brains we’re having a mandatory Sex Ed Class.”
Oh look, Fushiguro and Okkotsu are awake now. Excellent.
Okkotsu makes a noise like he’s dying and promptly chokes on nothing; so Inumaki helpfully pats him on the back. Maki and Kugisaki honest to god burst out laughing, though Kugisaki is red to her ears.
Fushiguro looks like he might actually die, checking the room to make sure Gojo isn’t going to be here for this, face even brighter red than Kugisaki.
Itadori, despite being a chief offender, blinks like nothing’s going on. He just sits politely with his hands folded on the desk in front of him, waiting to learn.
Panda looks… intrigued. Honestly, does he need to be here for this? Is it discrimination to ask him to leave?? Shoko really doesn’t know so she elects to ignore it, and takes another long drag of her cigarette.
Fuck she should not have done this sober.
“Yeah you all know what you did. I’m going to give you all one chance to wise up, and if you don’t I swear to you we will be in here putting a condom on a banana every single week for a semester.”
“I mean, sounds kinda hot?” Kugisaki mutters to Maki, who also has to stifle her giggles.
Truthfully, Shoko doesn’t blame them. They’re basically a group of little godlings, stuffed with hormones, and even the weakest of them could murder a small town. The strongest could probably destroy the country in a few hours. And, again, she had front row tickets to the Satoru-and-Suguru show, and these kids are nothing compared to them and the shenanigans they got up to.
Still, she’s fucking tired and they need to make an effort.
“So, first of all, I’m very glad that you’re all advancing your techniques, but let’s keep it out of the bedroom please.” She levels a look at Itadori and Fushiguro, sitting beside each other on the far left. “I’m sure we’re all very proud that your domain expansions are coming along, but we can all feel them activate at 2 am, and you’re still not healing everything properly when you leave them. Be more responsible.”
Fushiguro looks ready to die but he nods, eyes trained on the wall behind Shoko’s head. “Yes, Sensei.”
“It wasn’t even me!” Itadori hisses, eyes wide and sad at being accused.
Shoko glares at him. “You’re involved. Take responsibility.”
Itadori gapes at her like a fish, but she’s moving on, pointing to Okkotsu and Inumaki.
Okkotsu also looks ready to die, but Inumaki just slouches back and stares impassively over his high collared shirt.
“You two. Very happy Okkotsu is getting more proficient with cursed speech, but even when you’re quiet, if you put enough cursed energy into it, the sound and command are going to carry to surrounding rooms.” She takes another drag of her cigarette. “And if you can’t remember to use rice ball ingredients, you need to bite something because screaming ‘fuck me harder’ also carries, and it’s impolite to wake your friends with cursed commands.”
“Oh that was an insane night I remember that,” Maki mutters, turning heavy lidded eyes on Kugisaki, who just winks back.
Fushiguro drops his burning face in his hands, and even Itadori looks embarrassed for a second. “Yeah I remember that one, that was intense.” He rubs at his nose, but doesn’t look the least bit sorry.
“And you two,” she points at the girls, who just look eager for their fallout, “I’m happy you’re being innovative with cursed objects, but at the very least test things before putting them inside your partner.”
There’s a beat while that information settles over the boys and the girls try not to laugh.
“Wait, you’re cursing sex toys?!” Fushiguro asks, leaning back in his chair so he can see Maki behind Okkotsu and Inumaki.
She leans back too, grinning. “Of course, little cousin, are you not? How boring of you~”
“Salmon?”
“Oh hell yeah I could make one of those, it’ll fit right in your-“
Shoko slams her hand on the desk to stop the chatter. “Do not give untested cursed objects to your friends.”
“I mean, we definitely test them,” Kugisaki mutters, and Maki high fives her.
Shoko always thought that Suguru and Satoru were worse because they were male but maybe she should be thankful they weren’t female.
“Moving on. I understand you’re all training hard to fight curses and your bodies are changing and growing stronger, but you cannot just keep injuring each other and expect me to keep healing you.”
She glares at Itadori.
“Do not fuck your friend so hard you break his pelvis.”
“Ok, that one was me, but in my defense, it was ‘fuck me harder’ night,” Itadori says pointing at Inumaki, who doesn’t even spare him a glance.
Shoko turns her attention to Fushiguro.
“Stop letting your partners fuck you so hard they break your pelvis. Twice,” she says firmly. Itadori’s jaw drops.
“He did not! When??” He asks, scandalized like he didn’t just admit to doing the same thing.
Fushiguro ignores him and the shadows lick along his legs, scant millimeters from getting him the fuck out of here.
Shoko moves on.
“And you two. As much as I admire what we’re all going to agree is an attempt to keep Inumaki from cursing the whole building- do not crush your partner's trachea by choking them during sex.”
Inumaki finally has the good grace to look embarrassed, though he is not the choker in question. Shoko’s pretty sure Okkotsu is making a fast effort to copy Fushiguro’s shadow technique so he can melt into the floor.
“When we choke people for sex, don’t lean on the trachea. Restrict air and blood flow gently and seek an experienced teacher until you learn how to do it safely.”
She makes hard eye contact with both of them, and pretends not to hear Itadori whisper, “choking sounds hot.”
“Choking does sound kinda hot,” Kugisaki mutters, shooting Itadori a thumbs up.
Degenerates, all of them.
“Finally, you two.” She turns to the girls who still look completely unrepentant and unbothered. Her eye twitches a little. “You two know what you did.”
“Yeah we do~” Maki mutters and Kugisaki gives her another high five.
“Do not break your partner's jaw or ribs during sex.”
“Oh yeah that hurt but I am not sorry about it,” Kugisaki whispers, winking at Maki, who just winks back.
“Dude what the fuck are you two doing?” Itadori asks, a little awed.
“Wouldn’t you like to know, perv?”
“I mean, yeah kind of?”
“Salmon!”
“Anyway,” Shoko says, “please be more careful with each other. I’m going to stop healing non emergent injuries of questionable origins, and if you tell me it happened while you’re sparring I’ll know you’re lying. I’ve seen too much of you all already”
She takes another drag, and fixes a slightly longer look on Fushiguro before looking at the others. “Besides, your cursed energy stays all over each other after you fool around. We know exactly what you’re doing. None of you are subtle.”
Fushiguro makes a noise like a dying cat, and Itadori bursts out laughing. She can absolutely imagine he didn’t want Gojo to know about that, but life’s a bitch, kid.
“Anyway, past that- just be safe,” she waves her cigarette in a little circle, “condoms, lube, you know the drill.” She fixes a look back on the girls, “don’t put anything inside yourself that shouldn’t be there. No more knives.”
“Bonito Flakes?!”
“Knives?!”
“Alright. That’s all I had to tell you guys, I’m here if you have questions, but otherwise you’re free to go.”
Okkotsu’s out of the room like a shot, and Fushiguro’s right behind him until his jacket is seized by a hand Shoko politely ignores the tattoos on. He’s ushered slowly out of the room with a heavy arm over his shoulder and a flurry of whispers.
Shoko’s pretty sure she hears the word ‘sex toy’ and maybe Satoru was right and this whole lesson is going to backfire.
Inumaki and the girls follow out at a much more leisurely pace, though the girls make a point to wave goodby to Shoko on their way past. She definitely hears the word ‘sex toy’ in that conversation, goddamit.
She sighs, god does she need a drink.
But just as she’s about to either start day drinking or leave, Panda politely clears his throat. Well damn. She had forgotten about the giant cursed doll in the room.
“I have no idea what just happened, but is there still going to be a banana?”