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It wasn’t an obsession at first. More of an annoying pressing in the back of his head ever since he started training to be an idol.
“I should lose a couple of kgs for better body lines, I’ll get noticed better during evaluations” “He’s pretty thin, I wonder what he does” “I won’t have fans if I don’t look good” “Skipping a meal or two, for now, can’t hurt, just until I debut one day”
Every trainee thought that. The universal goal was to debut and look good doing it, so you could get fans and be successful. Back then, those thoughts, the diets, were just a way to get his foot in the door. It was never meant to go too far, but then again, nothing is.
The first time Wooyoung felt a genuine dislike for himself was after their MAMA performance in 2019. He didn’t like his hair, he didn’t like his makeup, he didn’t like his dancing, he didn’t even like his own voice that night. Worst of all, he hated his body. He hated the way it looked and he hated the way it moved. After the performance all he wanted to do was isolate himself from the rest of the world, curl up, and disappear…but that would be weird, right? It would look weird if, after one of the biggest performances of Ateez’s career, he sat and wallowed in his room being self-centered and ungrateful when the rest of his beloved, hardworking members were out celebrating and counting their blessings.
It’s not a secret that Ateez wasn’t expected to go far. Why would they be? There were very few groups that come from a microscopic company and still manage to make some type of mark. It would be weird for Wooyoung, a main dancer of Ateez, who just performed in front of one of his own idols at one of the biggest award shows in South Korea, to not want to celebrate. What would he even say if someone noticed his absence? “I’m just tired,” wasn’t believable this time, especially with everyone on a collective adrenaline rush that he just couldn’t catch on to. Which would again, be weird because Wooyoung is the one who helps in brightening up the room, he brings in the energy. Yunho can do that though. He does a great job at it anyway. He’s great at everything.
It’s then that Wooyoung snaps out of his self-deprecating induced depression and shakes that shit off. Sure, he’s always been competitive, but something within him shakes and trembles at the thought of his most prominent role in the group being taken over by someone else. Being in a group like Ateez, surrounded by talented dancers, Wooyoung accepted early on that he wouldn’t stand out with just dancing. However, he couldn’t be useless; he had to contribute something to the group, even if it was just off camera. So he took a deep breath, put on his most believable smile, and celebrated with his team. Though he buried those nasty thoughts about himself, he knew they weren’t dead. What he didn’t know was how they’d grow and fester just below the surface, waiting for someone with a shovel to scoop off the thin layer laying on top of them.