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"I didn't know…"
But he did. Deep down he did. So all he could muster was to repeat it over and over. Not to actually tell Ominis, not to excuse himself. No… he said it because he had to convince himself that he didn't. That he didn't just cause all this horrible pain because he just wasn't able to face the truth. But he knew. And he was so afraid to admit it.
He knew there was something else beneath it all. He knew that everytime they kissed it was heaven to him. He knew that all he truly wanted to do was be with Ominis, make him smile, watch him talk and simply be there with him. And he'd seen it. The pain, the longing. He knew he saw it all. Since that first night he decided to take it further. When he first touched Ominis in ways he'd never done before. He knew he loved him, more than anything in the world. And when he saw the way Ominis contemplated him back, he was scared. That it was actually real.
So why if he knew it all… why did he not know? What did he not know? … if it was possible? Did he not believe it? Or he didn't want to believe it? And why… He had told Ominis they were both men… because it was the truth, they shouldn't feel this way, act this way with the other. It wasn't actually natural… that's what everyone else would say. That's what everyone else thought. And so it must be the truth, right? So if it wasn't natural, if it wasn't okay… then what was he? What were they?
He couldn't face those questions, not really… so he chose to ignore, to pretend. To act what he was supposed to be, because if he didn't, then what would that mean?
But he just couldn't stay away. Not when it was paradise. Not when their shared rapture kept him alive, kept him strong enough to pretend the rest of the way. So he would only allow himself to show him what was underneath in the only way he knew he could. Not with his words, but with his being.
He had thought that maybe that was all they needed. It was okay if it was just about pleasure. He could be a pervert he'd thought, but what would it make him if he also made his heart true with his words?
So he pretended, and he was so scared of the truth that he actually believed his own lie. He'd buried it so deep, so he would never have to face it again. That decision that he now knew was his doom. Because he had decided not to think about what the consequences of his actions would actually be. He, in his own selfishness, didn't stop to think what pain he could be causing his dearest and most important friend.
No… he took and took, and didn't stop to think. And now he knew…
He'd said he loved him… even in all that pain. Ominis had loved him, and given him all. And what did he give in return?
He couldn't help but cry now… what was left anyway? Ominis had given him his heart, his soul, his body, and what had he given him? He'd wanted to think that it wasn't like that, that Ominis couldn't possibly feel those things for Sebastian. Because what would the odds be that two best friends would have been made wrong? Because he was now sure that at least he was. So how could it be possible that both of them would be this way? Cursed and damaged. Castaways of the world.
But then why did it have to feel so damned right?! Why would the only happiness in his god forsaken life come from loving his best friend?! Why was he cursed with such a cruel thing?!
But then, Ominis had said it so easily… told him as if it was the most natural thing in the world, for him to be in love with his best friend. He'd said it as if it was right, and good, and pure. As if they weren't breaking the laws of the universe by feeling that way. He'd said it with conviction, and with passion. And what had he done?
He wanted to die. The hurt on Ominis face… on his voice, in his beautiful eyes… in the way he had crumbled into his own being. It broke Sebastian. How had he been able to do such an unforgiving thing?...
He then thought about last night, when he had taken yet again. But he couldn't help himself, he wanted, no… needed more of Ominis, he was desperate and so he did the only thing that he knew how to do. And made love to him, so passionately… he'd wanted Ominis inside him, taste him deeply, profoundly, he craved him with every inch of his being, and then when Sebastian had finally given him all the love he could and when he'd devoured his essence with such devotion, he had gazed into his moonlight eyes… and he'd seen the stars inside. And he knew what Ominis was about to do, to say. He'd know it because it was what he desperately wanted to do too.
And then he had panicked. Because the second Ominis said it, it would be real, it would be true, and then what would they be in this world? So he pretended again, and he said such a hurtful thing… and he had instantly felt regret, and gone after him in the night, to find him in his bed, encased and alone... And how he could feel his pain behind the curtains and how he'd almost desperately crawled inside them to embrace him and tell him the truth…
But then their roommates had comed in… and he was once again consumed by his fear. So he had chosen to lie awake in bed and convince himself he'd never actually seen those perfectly beautiful stars…
"I'm sorry…" And he deeply, truly was. For everything… for his stupidity, and his fear and his neglect. For all his shortcomings and single mindedness. But most of all… he was sorry for ever being able to hurt his best friend by denying him the love he most profoundly deserved.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" He couldn't hold himself any longer so he simply crumbled to his knees, and all he could do was repeat it over and over… "I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" like a whisper of the wind against the darkness of the world.
And then he'd felt warmth surrounding him, he was enveloped by the most wonderful tenderness of this world. And as he kept repeating his mantra of regret, he remembered Ominis words. He'd said he loved him, past tense. And the thought almost broke his soul apart. But he needed to know, he needed to be sure, so he could take one road or the other from here. So he used what was left of him and asked in whispers.
"You said loved…" He had to take a steading breath to continue. "So you don't anymore…"
Somehow that was what made sense to him… what he expected now, so it came out like a statement rather than the question he held on to in his heart. Because there were only two options for him now, for what his life would be from now on… and it all depended on that answer. And there was silence for a moment, but he felt the warmth around him tighten.
"You hurt me Sebastian." Then silence again. But the embrace was still strong, unwavering.
"But I dont think I'd ever be able to stop loving you even if I wished it so, even if it kept breaking my heart over and over again." The embrace was even tighter now, unyielding.
"I think…" There was a small silence. "It's simply part of who I am now."
And so he sobbed. And all the while, the tender warmth kept his pieces from scattering away into the nothingness beyond. Steading him… guiding him… until bit by bit, he finally let it all go. All his fears and all his insecurities.
He finally allowed himself to openly stare into the brightness of their truth. To let it claim him whole… devour his flesh and then feast on his soul, all so he could build himself back up, replacing his foundations with love this time, with all the good things he had carelessly dismissed before. And once he was certain that the weight of the world would not crush him again, he dared to voice his most profound secret, his deeply guarded treasure. The one that belonged in its entirety to Ominis. His everlasting and allconsuming truth.
"I love you too."