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He had woken up angry.
Angry at Sebastian, for being able to use him in such a way and play with his feelings. Angry at the world for cursing him with being in love with the bloody halfwit. But most of all, he was angry at himself, for allowing it to ever get that far.
He had avoided Sebastian like the plague that day, and in their shared clases, when he just had to endure his proximity, he had chosen to simply blatantly ignore him.
He counted the hours until he could retreat into the Undercroft and he prayed that Sebastian would have the sense to know that he needed his space to be alone.
After what felt like a tortuous eternity, he finally found himself sitting on the same couch where just last night his whole world had completely been shattered. He couldn't help the single tear that flowed down his cheek but he had had enough after last night. He would not. cry. again.
He tried to busy himself with reading some papers regarding some assignment they'd been given during class, but it all just seemed trivial to him now. He didn't care at this moment about his future, his prospects. He felt like he had lost the only thing he had actually ever wanted. So he simply resolved himself to go through the motions and hope that maybe one day he could actually somehow heal.
He was beginning to relax, now that it seemed like Sebastian had actually gained some sense and decided to stay away. But just as he had leaned back into the couch and was now walking the line between dreams and reality, he was crudly brought back by the sharp sound of the gate.
He sighed but didn't move from his position, though he now gripped the back of the couch with his hand over his head as if he needed something to tie him to this world. He heard Sebastian's slow approach and felt his weight shift the couch under him.
He didn't say anything and neither did Sebastian, but he could feel the tension between them, ready to snap at any moment of hesitance. He was almost considering drifting back into sleep when Sebastian couldn't take the silence anymore.
"Tell me why you're mad."
Sebastian's words were neither angry or remorseful, they just sounded slightly… desperate? But Ominis just didn't have the strength yet to try and say anything, so he simply remained as he was.
"I'm not a legilimens you know?" The desperation was more obvious now and it stirred just a little something inside his cold, broken heart. So he sighed this time.
"Please just say something." Now he sounded sad. Sad and desperate, and a very tiny spark tried to resuscitate his still dead heart.
But he would not say anything yet. And he would not open his eyes, even if it didn't make a difference to him, he knew it did for Sebastian.
He felt him shift on the couch now, he somehow felt he had imitated his 'relaxed' pose. And then there were only their breaths echoing through the darkness of the too large chamber.
Minutes passed, maybe even an hour, and as he found himself once again at the edge of consciousness, he felt the couch shifting yet again and the warmth of Sebastian's body now too close to him. He waited to find out what he would do next and was almost getting annoyed by his staring when he heard his sad and desperate voice once again.
"Ominis…" It was only a whisper but it was enough for him to slowly open his eyes. Offering him an opening to perhaps try and explain himself.
And he clearly took the hint, but instead of words, he used the only other outlet he seemed to possess to express his emotions. He'd leaned into Ominis' neck and placed a soft, tender kiss on his skin. And for a second Ominis almost gave into it again, but the hardness of his heart forbade it, so he simply used his words.
"Don't." His tone was as cold and empty as he felt.
But Sebastian chose to ignore him, yet again pushing at his boundaries, as he pressed himself closer to Ominis' body, one hand desperately gripping his shirt and placed another kiss upon his neck.
"I SAID, DON'T." His tone was harsh and loud now, the anger had swiftly been brought back as he now shifted forward in his seat, pushing Sebastian away from him.
Under his rage he was able to sense now how wounded Sebastian seemed. The rejection apparently getting to him. Good, let him suffer. He deserved to suffer, at least a glimps of what he'd caused him to. And felt him remain silent, shocked, almost petrified as he stared at him from his side.
"I'm done, Sebastian." He would grant him this last kindness, the gift of informing him how things would be from now on. So there would be no uncertainty, no lingering unanswered questions.
"I'm done…" Ominis softly repeated, but for himself this time. An acknowledgment he too needed in order to move forward.
"What…?"
Sebastian sounded broken now for some reason. Was it really so horrible for him to lose his boy toy? Did he truly think at some point that things could go on like that forever?
"I won't allow you to use me anymore, Sebastian. And I don't know if there's even any friendship left for us to pretend to save." As soon as he said it he felt his heart twist inside him. A knot in his throat now choked him mercilessly. Perhaps his heart wasn't as dead as he thought after all… still, it didn't matter anymore.
"I… I don't know what's going on Om. Please… just talk to me."
He could almost hear the tears in his voice, broken, scared and confused. Did he really not know yet? Was he truly so unaware of everything and anyone beyond himself? Merlin… did he perhaps actually not know what was going on?
"How can you sound so confused when it's you who has done everything you can to keep hurting me?" He felt himself getting angry again.
He didn't want to have to talk about it, he didn't want to explain it to him because it would only force him to face it again, their impending, doomed reality. But Sebastian had chosen to remain quiet and that was all that was necessary to tilt him over the edge.
"Are you really going to sit there and pretend that you have absolutely no bloody idea what's been going on?!" He could feel himself almost shouting now.
"What you have kept doing to me all these blasted months?! It's been more than a year Sebastian!"
"What…" still broken, still confused.
"STOP. SAYING. THAT!" He just cut him off. Swiftly standing to get some damned distance between them. Why was he doing this to him?! Why couldn't he have simply left him alone until he was cold and dead enough to disappear into the walls of this god forsaken place! Why… he just wanted, needed… oblivion.
"I'm sorry…" And now the bastard had the audacity to try and break his heart again with his cursed ignorance and sadness.
"For what exactly, Sebastian?"
He felt like being mean now. He wanted to hurt him further with his poisoned words.
"Do you even know what you're apologizing for? Or are you truly just a bloody wanker playing with his damned cock?!"
He almost regretted the crassnes of his own words but he couldn't help himself anymore. He was done with everything.
"What the hell are you talking about!? If you didn't want my damned cock, then there was nothing forcing you to fucking play with it!"
Well now he was mad too. Very well, they could both play this game now on even grounds.
"You truly are just clueless aren't you? Poor little Sebastian Sallow, the village's idiot just wallowing in ignorant bliss."
He knew he was crossing a line now but he really, really wanted to hurt him. He was a Gaunt after all… even if he would despise himself later for it.
"And I suppose you are just the poor blind tortured child, who's so above everyone else with his high and mightiness that he simply can't spare a moment of his precious time to actually say what he bloody thinks!"
Well… Sebastian could certainly hold his own against his own unnecessary meanness. But he also knew they were both actually right. It seemed like Sebastian really wanted them to be able to openly talk about what was going on. Because despite his stupidity, for some reason, it seemed like he really wasn't actually trying to hurt him. Even if he had, he hadn't meant to and he clearly was devastated by his pain. And as for himself, he knew he was in fact being high and mighty, refusing to talk when he was pleading with him to have an open and sincere discussion.
But he couldn't help that he was still mad, and hurt, so he decided he would at least be honest and reasonable with his words… Perhaps it was indeed time for the truth to be fully laid before them. Freeing and harrowing just the same.
"I loved you Sebastian."
He would go straight to the point. No more hiding. No more misunderstanding. And no more pretending. He could feel Sebastian now frozen in place, in front of him and just a few feet away.
"And you simply used me and pushed our friendship away…"
His words felt like they echoed eternally on the empty and cold walls. There was still no sound from Sebastian, so he continued.
"I loved you and gave you everything I was… but you chose to take my body and throw the feeling aside… As if it was somehow really that simple to separate the body from its soul."
He didn't believe there was anything left to say, but if he still needed more, he would certainly obliged, as he always seemed to do with him.
"And last night, you took the last piece that was left of my heart, the last piece that was so freely and lovingly offered to you, and you squished the life out of it in one single motion, as if it was the easiest thing in the world and turned it all to ash."
He was back to feeling cold and empty. He was back to wishing he would simply fade into the darkness around. And then he heard Sebastian's single tear hit the ground.
"I didn't know…" he said, barely loud enough that he could just about hear him.
"Right."
"I just…I didn't … know."
He sounded so genuinely hurt and confused that Ominis could almost feel pity for him.
"You need to be more specific, Sebastian. What exactly was it that you didn't know?"
He would give him this kindness too, he would help him navigate the situation.
"But… we're both… men."
Well, there it was. The bloody idiot. He definitely pitied him now, oh his blasted ignorant heaven, did his denial truly run that deep? Ominis just couldn't help the amused scoff that left his mouth before he answered Sebastian's moronic statement.
"That certainly didn't stop you last night from putting my balls inside your mouth."
He was sharp and cold as ice now. Oh what he would have given to see his deeply confounded face.
"Or did you think that because we were both men, that we were somehow exempted from the pesky intrusion of feelings? Free to enjoy the carnal pleasures of this world together, without the need for actual intimacy?"
It was starting to anger him again, how quiet Sebastian remained, he supposed the gears in his head were turning like never before, so he gave him a bit more time to think it through.
"Well… it seems it was actually that way for you, as you were more than happy to come to me for your release, only to leave me once you were done."
He hated the emptiness he was left with each time, that place and time where they were supposed to rejoice in their closeness, he would simply and carelessly run away from. How far would he have pushed? How much would he have simply taken?
"What would have been next Sebastian? Once you grew tired of this newfound experience. Would you have asked to fuck me? Just so you could pretend that it meant absolutely nothing while you went and chased some skirts?"
He couldn't deny that that hurt him too. That Sebastian seemed to find such repulsion in the idea of finding love with his male friend that he would rather try and find it somewhere else with a woman, any woman for that matter. Like their love would simply be better than his, just because he wasn't one.
And it hurt him that it was so easy for him. To love Sebastian with all his soul yet somehow he wasn't able to even face the idea of it. Choosing to pretend it wasn't even possible.
"I didn't know…" he heard him say once again. Soft and broken.
But he remembered then that first time they had gone further, how he was sure he felt Sebastian loved him just as deeply as he did him. How in that one night he had honestly believed with all his heart that they had in fact made love, and not just the physical act of release. He had felt his love, so deeply, so raw, that it had taken hold of his hope through all that came after, allowing him to endure, to be patient.
And he realized that that hold was somehow still there even now. Even after everything. That under his now statue of a heart, there was still a soft steady beating that threatened to break it all apart once again.
"I… I'm…I didn't…" Broken. Sad. And alone.
And so he thought back to that night, to the way Sebastian had kissed him and whispered love into his ear, the way he'd been soft, and kind and warm, and how after, in the calmness of their heavenly bliss, he had actually felt Sebastian's fear, witnessed it taking hold of his heart and how he just decided to push it deep within, hidden but rooted to his core. And just the same, he remembered how he'd chosen to ignore what he'd learned, to only hold on to the memory of the perfection from moments before.
How deep down, he'd always known of that fear, that it was the reason Sebastian slowly drifted away from him. Afraid that if they continued their close and comfortable relationship the way it was, that he would be forced to face his inevitable feelings. That he was scared it would be wrong, rejected. That he was scared of the future it would bring them, scared of the unknown and the intensity of it all.
And that in spite of his fear, he was unable to stay away from the desires that plagued him, from craving that same intimacy that Ominis himself so desperately wanted. So he had retorted to the only thing he thought to do, the only way he knew how to show him his heart, not out of malice, or out of disgust, but rather plain and unforgiving fear. To love and be loved. And then Ominis knew he had made the wrong choice too.
He could feel the gnawing regret now sipping its way into his heart, filling it once more with emotions. Because he now knew that if he had actually paid attention to the truth of that day, he would have heard his cry for help. The words underneath his kisses, the plea for Ominis to tell him that it was simply okay. That what he felt was okay. And to reassure him he felt it too. That he most certainly wasn't alone. That it was in fact, allowed and that he wanted it too, more than anything in the world.
Because he knew that underneath his boisterous self, Sebastian was after all, truly soft and broken and insecure. And he should have known better than to assume he would have known he loved him back. And as he felt the despair of it all overfill his now bursting heart, he let it all go, and decided to once again choose love.