Chapter Text
[The title card for the SMAU - social media alternate universe Kindling. On a white background, drawn and water-painted breads and pastries line the border around light grey-blue text— Est. 2023, Kindling, an ofmd social media au. The food is labelled by numbers, though on a menu.]
[A collection of well loved books on a dark grain table. Some of the books include a notebook, field notes, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and two books with blurbed summaries on their back.]
[The back of a white book sitting in a white void, reading— “What does one put in a dating app bio, anyway? “Middle-aged, mid-life crisis, newly divorced baby gay looking for love in Grey Lynn suburban area” doesn't really have the ring to it that Stede Bonnet (newly divorced baby gay) is looking for. Because it’s all so new, okay? New apartment. New bookstore. New life. It was easier 20 years ago— meet the girl. Marry the girl. Have two children with the girl. And that’s all well and good, but Stede— it was just never for Stede. So he’s doing something about it. Better late than never.” Under a peachy-orange banner bolder with STEDE in white block letters.]
[A black, somewhat weathered back of a book, sitting on a dark wood table. The blurb, in white, reads— “Running on fumes, cigarettes and sheer force of stubborn will, pâtissier Ed Teach hasn’t got the fucking time to wait for the universe to set him up. So— between his busy schedule and the weight of running a successful bakery— Ed turns to — godfor-fucking-bid— dating apps. But he’s not some bright-eyed, fresh-faced, twenty-something looking for a quick hookup, or a sweet, summer fling. He’s a forty-two year old business owner searching for connection after placing his career first for the better part of two decades— He’s bored and he’s tired and he deserves to loved, god-fucking-dammit.” Under the blurb, in orange all caps, a line reads- “With an introduction by Edward teach”]
[Another title card for the ofmd smau Kindling. The words Kindling Profiles is displayed in white Tinder font over four phones, two displaying two smiling women on the Tinder app. Create account and login are overlayed on the bottom half of the image.]
[Edward’s Tinder profile. Edward. 42. Baker. Gay man. Less than a kilometre away. About me: only here because rats wouldn’t let me in. into grungy bars and well lit cafes. Above Edward’s bio is a picture of Ed. He stands in front of a maroon curtain, and on deep teal blue carpet. He is dressed in an all black outfit, with the first few bottoms of his shirt undone, revealing a chain necklace. His hair is long and silvered, and he has a sculpted, short beard. His hands are held behind his back.]
[Text details remain the same. A new picture of Ed is shown. It’s a close up of his face and shoulders. His hair is long and out. He is wearing a fuzzy sweater, striped with red, white and navy, and is looking off frame.]
[All text remains the same. Ed is pictured at night, hair half up and half down, in the break up robe, staring off screen. This side profile is in full view.]
[Edward’s profile continued. Relationship type: monogamy. Languages I know: English. Basics: Sagittarius. Trade school. Not sure yet (re: children) vaccinated. ESFJ. Big time tester. Love language is touch. Lifestyle: don’t have pets but love. Social drinker on weekends. Social smoker. Weed occasionally. Gym/ working out sometimes. Omnivore. Socially active online. Early bird]
[My interests: coffee, music, baking, gardening, tattoos. The Chain by Fleetwood Mac is listed as Ed’s anthem]
[Edward Teach’s main public Twitter account. He is verified with a blue check mark (what does that even mean these days?) His bio reads: when life gives you lemons, what the fuck? what am i supposed to do with all these lemons now? make lemon meringue? his pronouns are listed as he/him. He has 11 accounts he’s following, and 6527 followers. His profile picture is a side profile shot of himself, with long hair and earrings, against a concrete wall, wearing a candy cane shirt. His banner is a flour bag open on a dark bench. His @ is blackbeardbakes]
[Blackbeard’s Delicacies and Delights Official public Twitter page. It is bluecheck mark verified (seriously did he pay for this or is it a legacy check?) The @ is blackbeards. The bio reads: patisserie specialising in baked goods, pastries and sourdough, with a focus on sustainability, community and fresh local organic ingredients. A website is linked: blackbeardsdelicacies.co.nz. The account is following 473 others, and has 9633 followers. The profile picture is a minimalist logo with the name of the business encircling a strawberry tart. The banner is two fresh croissants cooling on a cooling rack over a rag.]
[Ed’s private locked Twitter. His display name is poorly adjust-ed, with a lock next to it. His @ is saltandpepperbeard. His bio reads: it’s me, hi, and his banned is black text over a mustard yellow background read: the problem. He has one follower. His profile picture is of himself, in 3/4 profile, with curly, shorter hair, looking olive this shoulder on a light brown background.]
[Stede’s Tinder profile. Stede. 39. Bookstore Owner. Gay man. Less than a kilometre away. About me: only here because rats wouldn’t let me in. into grungy bars and well lit cafes. Above Stede’s bio is a picture of him, dressed in a leather jacket and sunglasses, taking a walk. He has short stubble, and a striped t-shirt.]
[Text details remain the same. A new picture of Stede is shown, taking across a restaurant table by someone unseen. Stede looks bewildered as he holds his phone and has his picture taken. He’s dressed in a tan leather jacket over a navy button up. An empty plate of food sits in front of him.]
[Text details remain the same. A new picture of Stede is shown. He had a scruffy beard and glasses, with a dusty grey-green jacket over a black plain shirt. It is dark outside, and he is taking a walk on a lit street at night. A single curl hangs over his forehead.]
[Stede’s profile continued. Relationship type: monogamy. Languages I know: English. Basics: Leo. Bachelors. I have children and don’t want more. Vaxxed. INFJ. Phone caller. Love language is time together. Lifestyle: don’t have pets but love. Social drinker on weekends. Non-smoker. Weed never. Gym/ working out never. Omnivore. Passive scroller online. Sleeping habits varied / in a spectrum. Interests: Picnicking, board games, collecting, brunch, reading.]
[Stede Bonnet’s public Twitter profile. His @ is stedesonnetbonnet. His bio reads: The Bonnet in Bonnet and Co (open book emoji). Sweater vest aficionado. “I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kid of library” (stack of books emoji) Pronouns he/hem. 104 following. 529 followers. His profile picture is a picture of himself in a black knitted turtle neck, in front of a bookcase of books. His banner is a blurry picture from the TV show our flag means death, with the caption “well, I’m not fine”]
[Bonnet and co official public Twitter page. The @ is bonnetandco. The bio reads: child-friendly, queer-friendly inclusive bookstore in the heart of Auckland, Aotearoa. A website is linked: bonnetandco.co.nz. 56 following. 1033 followers. The profile picture is a a light olive green with circle text reading Bonnet & Co, established 2023 around a sketch of a pile of books tied together. The banner is a photograph of an arch doorway, surrounded by books on shelves.]
[Stede’s private locked Twitter account. His display name is stedey, with a lock next to it. His @ is impolite menace. His bio reads: here is an insurmountable amount of garbage. It disgusts me as well. I apologise in advance. He has one follower. His profile picture is a picture of himself, peering over his glasses as something off screen, wearing a grey jacket and a cream undershirt. His banner reads: toad sat and did nothing. Frog sat with him. With a cut off picture from the frog and toad book.]
[Jim’s public Twitter profile. Their display name is jim jimenez. Their @ is christsoranges. Their bio reads: pirate themed storyteller with @princeboodhari (orange emoji) better half of Teal Oranges (orange emoji) they/them. A website is linked: tealorangesstorybook.co.nz. 69 following l. 4986 followers. Their profile picture is them dressed in pirate clothes, with shoulder length hair. Their banner is a picture of the ship The Revenge from hit show Our Flag Means Death (Max where is season 2?)]
[Oluwande’s public Twitter profile. His @ is princeboodhari. His bio reads: pirate-themed children’s storyteller and entertainer with @christsoranges (orange heart emoji) His pronouns are he/him. A website is linked: tealorangesstorybook.co.nz. 70 following. 996 followers. Olu’s profile picture is himself, dressed in pirate garb, against a blue sky. He’s wearing a silk purple vest over an off white pirate shirt and an orange beanie. His banner is four pirates against a blue sky, but Jim and Olu’s faces have been photoshopped over the original faces.]
[Lucius’s public Twitter profile. His display name is Lucius Spriggs (gay flag emoji). His @ is looseyluci. His bio reads: The Co in Bonnet and Co (rainbow emoji) Currently experiencing twink death. He/him but in like a she/her way. A website is linked: Instagram.com/looseyluci. 99 following. 821 followers. His profile picture is a car selfie of himself, shot from below. His banner is drag queen Trixie Mattel pointing at a graphic that reads Yass (a town in rural Australia)]
[Pete’s public Twitter profile. His display name is Peter Black. His @ is peterblack. His bio reads: cookbook writer, bookseller. His pronouns are he/him. A website is linked: bonnetandco.co.nz. 53 following. 241 followers. His profile picture is a headshot of Pete wearing a cozy knitted green sweater. He is bald, but has a scruffy beard. His banner is Microsoft Word’s Clippy, with a speech bubble asking: it looks like you’re reading my page. Need some help?]
[John’s public Twitter profile. His display name is John Feeney. His @ is fireisfunactually. His bio reads: fireworks technician and building manager. I promise the building is fire safe. A website is linked: roompeoplecoop.co.nz . 52 following. 666 followers. His profile picture is a head shot, he has star tattoos near his brow and a white-grey beard, against a grey neutral background. His banner is the little girl looking into the camera while a house goes up in flames behind her meme image.]
[Izzy’s public Twitter profile. His @ is catchthesehands. His bio reads: i make pastries for a living no i don’t know how i got here either fuck off about it. A website is linked: blackbeardsdelicacies.co.nz . 6 following. 255 followers. The profile picture is a picture of Izzy, looking over to something off screen, while wearing a purple shirt. His hair is a little messy and he has a goatee-esque beard. His banner is a still from the show Brooklyn 99c captioned with “biting and scratching are on the table. You can use fire”]
[Roach’s public Twitter profile. His display name is Lucius Spriggs (gay flag emoji). His @ is radroach. His bio reads: hey everybody, it’s me, roachie, your favorite guy. chef @ spanishjackies, he/him. 223 following. 1280 followers. The profile picture is a professional shot of Roach wearing a leather jacket over a navy tshirt on a grey backgroukd. His banner is art of a knife, with text that reads: let me see what you have. A KNIFE! No!]
[Mary’s public Twitter profile. Roach’s public Twitter profile. Her display name is Mary Allamby. Her @ is maryhadalittlamb. Her bio reads: Allam-be Yourself Paint and Sip. Tickets below (finger pointing down emoji). A website is linked: allambeyourself.nz. 300 following. 4032 followers. Her profile picture is a progressional headshot, on a peach-pink background, as she looks off into the distance. Her banner is an abstract painting resembling a beach.]
[Nathaniel’s public Twitter profile. His display name is Nathaniel Buttons. His @ is hexonye. His bio reads: Scout Leader for the Hawke Sea Scouts. Karl sends his warm regards. 666 following. 666 followers. The profile picture is Buttons staring intently at a whittled spike. His banner is a painted bird with the text: He gave them the heebie-jeebies.]
[Swede’s public Twitter profile. His display name is i am a Swede (Swedish flag emoji). His @ is swedishfish. His bio reads: i don’t think Loreen should have won either. Server @spanishpackies. 60 following. 266 followers. The profile picture is - professional shot of Swede looking into the camera, sitting at a table wearing a button down blue shirt rolled at the elbows, against a brown background. His banner is a shot from the British TV show Taskmaster, where Fred the Swede’s face has been photoshopped over with the Swede’s face, and is captioned: have a conversation with a Swedish person.]
[Ivan’s public Twitter profile. His display name is Ivan. His @ is ivantheterriblyhandsome. His bio reads: butcher, baker, candlestick maker. Let’s get this bread (bread emoji). 90 following. 612 followers. The profile Ivan in a brown leather jacket reclining in front of an intricate red and black background. His banner is an unsettling puppet version of bread smiling. A website is linked: blackbeardsdelicacies.co.nz]
[Fang’s public Twitter profile. His @ is fangtastic. His bio reads: fangs for the memories. He/him. 32 following. 855 followers. The profile picture is a black and white boudoir style shot of Fang covering his chest with his hands and looking down. His banner is artwork of three borzoi dogs with the caption: didn’t I do it for you? A website is linked: blackbeardsdelicacies.co.nz]
[Spanish Jackie’s Facebook Page. 917 likes. 1K followers. Snacks - tapas - wine. Rating 4.6.]
[Grey Lynn Community Garden Group on Facebook. Public group. 802 members. Ed is a member. The banner is several beds of growing vegetables surrounded by gravel.]