kindling

by Anonymous

Chapter 5: july two

[Bonnet and Co Group Chat. Lucius: happy Friday! (Twin girls dancing emoji)!

And welcome to the annual pretend to be Stede Day

Stede: is it annual if this is the first year? Lucius: I will be placing it in the company calendar for next year

Stede: I don’t know if I like this

Lucius: you sound just like him Jim has sent a tumblr image that reads: why am I dressed slutty you ask? To read classic literature alone in my room. Mind your own business]

[Lucius has sent an image that reads: I’m afraid to get attached to someone because what if they love me and I self sabotage Oluwande has sent an image of Bart from the Simpsons looking at a bookshelf of books labeled ‘Gay interest’]

[Pete had sent an image of a frog sipping tea at a picnic for one that reads: you guys go ahead I’m gunna dilly dally. Lucius has sent an image of stede posing awkwardly on a wooden bridge in a botanical garden. Lucius: (standing man emoji)]

[Everyone in the group chat, bar stede, has sent a variation of the standing man emoji]

[Bonnet and Co Group Chat— Lucius has sent an photo of three rows of cupcakes in a white cardboard box— chocolate, cookies and cream, and strawberry. Lucius: in the break room x thank me later. Or thank me now. Really just thank me at your earliest convenience.]

[Oluwande has send a photo of a different box, which has four half eaten cut cakes in it— vanilla and chocolate and choc mint. Oluwande: I see the kids box has been demolished Stede: yes. The kids. The kids did that. Lucius: stede madonna bonnet, are you stealing from the mouths of children? Justice for Al and Lou]

[Stede has sent a blurry image of Louis holding a cupcake]

[Messages between Ed and Stede. Stede: I’m so full of cake and cream (exhale emoji)]

[Ed’s private Twitter account. Post 10:44AM, 8 July 2023. Ed has posted a grainy picture of a dog sitting and bonking another dog on the head with a bat. It has text that reads: bonk, go to horny jail]

[Stede: I don’t think I ever want to see a cupcake again in my lifetime 
Ed: bad day to be a baker 
Stede: oh god. Sorry Ed 
Ed: bad day to be a baker who made these
Ed has sent an image of cupcakes made to look like little coffees. The icing is white and has edible books placed into their crown. 
Stede: oh (big eyes tearing up emoji) 
Ed: got an order from a guy who works at a bookstore. Made me think of you]

[Stede: they’re amazing Ed: not a big deal or anything. Could make ‘em in my sleep]

[Bonnet and Co pin board. A calendar for July 2023 is pinned, decorated with pride flags, a Māori flag, a photograph of Auckland, a Polaroid of Stede pointing at a projection reading ‘no’, a smiley face, a yellow caution sticker reading ‘staff only’, a rainbow, and a book that reads ‘books can take you places’. Every Sat and Sun has a rainbow drawn, and are noted with ‘teal oranges’. Sat 8th July is listed as ‘annoy stede day’. Mon 3,17, and 31 are pay days. Mon 3 is listed as a delivery day. 11– bi monthly book club. 12– staff meeting. To the right, a map of Aotearoa New Zealand is pinned, above a poster of various moths and butterflies. A sticky note reading ‘low on spoons but good on knives’ is pinned over it. A sticker of a pile of orange books is stickered over the map.]

[Three pictures— a picture of takeaway pepperoni pizza, watermelon shaped like sharks in a bowl with blueberries, and caramel popcorn]

[Stede’s Instagram story— How to train your dragon is playing on a wall mounted TV. Blankets and pillows and pink fairy lights are laid out in the floor. The picture is captioned: I’m a good dad. Sometimes. Plants like the wall and the apartment is still clearly quite empty from moving.]

[Stede’s Lock Screen— Monday July 10, 10:05 AM. Costar notification: your day and a glance. Find someone who understands your idiosyncrasies Tinder notification: Charles has sent you a new message!]

[iMessages between Ed and Stede. 
Ed: think I’m done reading bout butterflies for now 
Ed has sent a screenshot about a butterfly. “Creamy and ridged’ is highlighted. 
Stede: oh! Monarchs! 
Stede has sent an image of an orange monarch butterfly. 
Ed: it didn’t mention the name? 
Stede: I know :) 
Ed: but what’s what you took from that screenshot?]

[Ed: but what’s what you took from that screenshot? Stede: yes :) Ed: mental]

[Stede’s private Twitter. Posted 12:05PM, 10 July 2023. Tweet: do you think he has researching butterflies because of me? The image is of a cat sitting up in bed with a mobile phone, blush on its cheeks and hearts around its head]

[Stedes private Twitter account. Posted 12:07PM. 10 July 2023. Tweet: now there’s butterflies in my stomach. That’s not their natural habitat!]

[A table at Ed’s cafe— a croissant, a coffee and a torn corner of a picture of a beach sit on a table. The paper photo reads: a haiku. Do you want to go
on a date with me edward 
teach that is my name
The poem is scribbled over]

[Stede’s desk— two pens, two closed note books, two open notebooks, a laptop and a coffee sit on the desk, along with two plants. The middle notepad is dated 10/7/23z two butterflies are drawn on the pad. Words are scribbled over: a stranger. A friend. A friendly stranger. I miss you, empty space]

[iMessages between Stede and Lucius. Stede: I like him (big eyes pout emoji) Stede has sent a screencap from RuPauls drag race captioned: my kink is when people care about my feelings and what I have to say Lucius has sent two screen caps from RuPauls drag race captioned: unrealistic. Settle for bondage like the rest of us. Lucius: or do something about it before I have to]

[Stede’s google searches— fun date ideas. Cute date ideas. Cute cafes near me. Best ice cream Auckland. Coffee near me. Fun things to do in Auckland. Fun date ideas in Auckland. Best coffee near me.]

[Texts between Ed and Stede. 
Stede: have you got a minute? (Smile emoji) 
Ed: for you, I’ve got several]

[Stede’s phone is propped up against a potted cactus plant near a window, next to a pile of note books and potted cat grass. He is FaceTiming Ed, who is in a burn orange button down.]

[

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

Do you believe in soulmates? 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

Hell, mate— ease me into it, buy me dinner first. 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]: [he blushes and pauses, as if he is about to ask him to dinner] 

I— I’ve just been— thinking—

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

Dangerous.

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

Do you think they exist? 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

If I did, would I be on Grindr? 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]: 
 
You’re on Grindr?]

[

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

Are you not on Grindr? 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

I— not anymore. 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 
[visibly softens]

You believe in soulmates? 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

I don’t know. Maybe not. If they did exist, we’d have found them by now, wouldn’t we? 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

Feels like you’ve gotta make your own luck, mate. 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

Yes— well— all this to say— what are you doing on Friday?]

[Ed’s Home Screen. He has 97 emails. 1 missed call. 71 texts. He has NYT Games, calm, flora, tinder and Grindr installed over an image of a fern.]

[Remove Grindr? Removing from Home Screen will keep the app in your App Library delete app. Remove from Home Screen. Cancel.]

[Grindr has been deleted.]

[Stedes calendar. 
Friday 14 July, 5pm. Ed (coffee emoji, soup emoji, vibrating pink heart emoji, blue emoji)
Saturday 15 July. All day— kids (blond boy and girl emoji). Story time (book emoji, orange emoji), 3PM. Repeat for Sunday 16 July.]

[Ed’s calendar. Thursday 13 July — stock delivery for new menu, 9am. Therapy, 5pm. Friday 14 July. Coffee + dinner w stede (three exclamation point emojis), 5pm at Stede’s lap. Saturday 15 July, Ed’s alone time.]

[Stedes private Twitter. Posted 6:53pm, 11 July, 2023. A picture of a smiling potato captioned like it is on the news. Breaking news: local potato happy today.]

[Ed’s private twitter account. Posted 6:55PM, 11 July, 2023. A picture of Kermit swaddled in a white fuzzy blanket, surrounded by heart emojis.]

[Grey Lynn Garden Moodboard. Top left— Italian carrot cake topped with icing sugar and cream and orange zest. It has been cut into wedges on a dark plate. Top right— Dark black Hellebore flower . It’s petals are black and it’s centre is a white-green. They’re a winter flowering perennial. Bottom left— more snow peas on their vine, surrounded by blooming orange flowers. Bottom right— a large bundle of fresh carrots on a wooden outdoor table.]

[Ed’s private Twitter. Tweet: do you think he likes flowers? Posted 9:41am, 12 July 2023, Wednesday]

[Ed’s phone. iMessages between Ed and stede. Stede’s contact name now had three exclamation point emojis. Ed: look at this fucking thing! 
Ed has sent a picture of a black Winter Rose or a Hellebore. 
Stede: (open mouth smile emoji) hardy? Thrives under any conditions? Pretty? 
Ed: yes]

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ed’s private Twitter. Posted 11:39 AM, 12 July 2023, Wednesday. Tweet: fuck off, pretty??? Ed has posted a picture of Plankton from SpongeBob, holding out a heart that reads ‘everything I have to offer’]

 

[Ed’s private Twitter. Posted 12:01PM, 12 July 2023, Wednesday. Tweet: Ed has posted a picture of Plankton from SpongeBob, holding out a heart that reads ‘no seriously what the fuck how has someone not snatched you up sooner ’]

[Stedes google searches. Why do I feel like I know someone I’ve never met. Is it normal to like someone you’ve never met. Why am I infatuated with someone I don’t know. Can you have a crush on someone you’ve never met. Ways to recognise you have a crush. What having a crush feels like. How to know if you have a crush]

 

 

[Stede’s Pinterest. Private board titled ‘date ideas’. It has 23 pins. The first shows a yellow cocktail at the grove, Auckland. The second is an antipasto board from an article titled 8 of the west winery restaurants in Auckland. Another restaurant and the sky tower can be seen below.]

[Vegan food guide to Auckland— a street view of Auckland with the sky tower in the background. A foodaholics guide for eating out in Auckland— a hand holding a decorated chocolate ice cream in front of a Giapo sign. The 50 best restaurants in Auckland— hands eating Italian food at a table. Two industrial cafes can be seen below.]

[Auckland Bar, Bar Martin— a group of women sit around a wooden table in an industrial inspired cafe. Red rabbit, Auckland, New Zealand— a group sitting on a metal table outside an industrial cafe are being served by a man in an apron and shorts. Remedy coffee, Auckland, New Zealand— a small one person table and chair sits inside an eclectic cafe. A shelve above is stacked with books. Remedy coffee, Auckland— the same cafe, wider shot. A funk lamp. Wooden stairs. Small wooden tables. Framed prints. Lots of books. Very homey. The best cafes in Auckland new Zealand with a map— overlaid over a picture of two coffees .]

[Stede’s Lock Screen. Thursday 13 July. 9:23. Notification from Co—Star: your day at a glance. You have to believe in your destiny. 25 minutes ago.]

[Stede is listening to Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A man after midnight) by ABBA on Spotify.

Half-past twelve
And I'm watching the late show in my flat all alone
How I hate to spend the evening on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside the window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom
There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day]

[Stede’s Phone— Date To Do List (Red heart emoji, cake emoji, coffee emoji, bread emoji, plant emoji) - [ ] Text Ed - [ ] Pick outfit - [ ] Show outfit to Lucius - [ ] Have outfit approved by Lucius - [ ] Have a panic about the date (mild) - [ ] Check menu (cafe and restaurant) - [ ] Make restaurant reservation - [ ] Flowers?? Gift??]

[Ed’s phone. to do (date edition) - [ ] be hot - [ ] be cool - [ ] be mysterious - [ ] don’t fuck it up]

[iMessages between Stede and Lucius. 
Stede has sent an image of an outfit flat lay. Blue jeans are folded underneath, rust rimmed sunglasses sit over a navy sweater and brown leather sneakers sit to the top. 
Stede: ?
Lucius: no 
Stede has sent a second outfit flat lay. Brown loafers, a pair of regular glasses, a leather banned watch, a pair of grey trousers and a baby blue button up under a mustard coloured sweater. 
Stede: ?
Lucius: no]

[Stede has sent a third option: a cable knit cream sweater over a button up, brown chinos, a leather belt  and leather loafers.
Lucius: No
Stede: None of them? Why not? 
Lucius: Stede Mercury in retrograde Bonnet, I know you have better fashion sense than this 
Stede: I just want to play it safe! No rocking the boat 
Lucius: Why on earth would you want to play it safe for leather-jacket, green-thumb, sweet-tooth, tattoo daddy? 
Stede: That’s not—]

[Lucius: fine (eyeroll emoji) It’s acceptable]

 

[Ed’s private Twitter. Posted 3:41PM. 13 July 2023, Thursday. Tweet: how I look on the outside. Ed has posted an image of himself in the breakup robe, crossing his hands over his front, captioned: soft sigh]

[Ed’s private Twitter. Posted 3:41PM, 13 July, Thursday. Tweet: how I feel on the inside. Ed has posted an image of a grey and white cat screaming AAAAAAAAAAAA]

[iMessages between Izzy and Ed. Ed: izzy. Izzy. Izzy. Izzy. Izzy. look at this. Ed has sent a photo of a man wearing a see through mesh shirt under a tatty pin striped suit jacket, and leather belted pinstripe pants, with a choker and lock necklace. Izzy: I thought you were going for coffee? Ed: you’re right, hot gay pirate is much more fitting]

[Ed has sent an image of a man lounging in a chair, chest exposed under a frilly cream shirt and black suit jacket. He’s wearing many silver rings and chains and necklaces, with black trousers
Ed: or maybe this shirt 
Ed has sent an image of a man in a garden wearing a shirt that reads “I like bread” in bold yellow letters

Ed: and this jacket]

 

[Ed: and this jacket. 
Ed has sent an image of a denim jacket with a mesh panel sewn into its back. The mesh is clear, apart from snakes that pattern it. 
Izzy: you don’t even like snakes. And I’m pretty sure he’s aware of your stance on bread considering your profession. 
Ed: god, it’s like pulling teeth with you sometimes man
Izzy: why not go with the uszh?]

[Izzy: why not go with the uszh? Izzy has sent an image of Ed sitting on a bench outside a cage, throwing up the peace sign while nursing a coffee. He’s wearing an open leather jacket with many zippers, a black shirt, blue jeans and black leather boots. Ed: right… the uszh]

[Ed’s phone. Friday July 14. 10:52AM. reminder: stede. reminder: cute blond reminder: date]

[Ed’s phone. Stede is calling through to Ed.]

 

 

 

[Ed’s phone. Active phone call with Stede.]

[

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

Does Spanish Jackie’s at 6 work for you? 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

(laughing) 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]: 

Does— is that not—

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

No, love it. Izzy’s gunna hate it. 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

Oh— I can pick somewhere else? 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

Nah, let him hate it. ‘s not his fucking date. 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]: 
 
(echoing) It’s not his fucking date. 
Is there a story there?]

[

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

(Rustling of fabric can be heard as Edward shrugs) 
His arch nemesis works at Jackie’s. 

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

(Chuckling) Do real people have arch nemsises? 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

Fucking apparently. ‘Sall one sided, on Iz’s end. ‘S some guy we came up with in culinary school, Roach. They always had a healthy rivalry but— 

shit, this is a personal anecdote, I should save it for tonight—

+64 02 908 1677 [Stede Bonnet]:

Right. Wouldn’t want to run out of personal stories and bore your date. 
 

+64 03 174 0968 [Edward Teach]: 

(Laughing) Fuck you, as if I could—]

[Stede’s Lock Screen. 
Friday, July 14

10:59

Reminder Date with Ed (very cool) now

Lucius Good luck 6min ago

Co-Star 59min ago
Your day at a glance Take yourself out to dinner tonight]

[iMessages between Stede and Lucius

Lucius: Good luck (smirking emoji) 

Stede: Lucius I can see you smirking from across the store

Lucius: I'm not smirking (smirking emoji) 

Stede: You are

You're double smirking

Lucius: I don't know what you're talking about (smirking emoji) 

Lucius: Have a good date Stede (smirking emoji)]

[Three images—
First is a man in a deep green suit. The second is a bottle of red whine lying on a wooden table. The third is tapas of cheese, crusty bread and sun-dried chilies with herbs, served on a wooden plate.]

[Stede’s private Twitter. @impolitemenace Tweet: feeling very calm and collected Stede has posted a meme image of someone addressing the camera as such: Could you excuse me? The same person [Screams] in a barren Forest]

[Ed’s private Twitter. 

@saltandpepperbeard

6:06 PM 20 Jul 2023

Tweet: fuuuuuuuck]

[Stede’s Lock Screen.

Friday, July 14

18:12

Ed from Tinder:  we have a problem]

[iMessages between Ed and Stede. 

Stede: On my way

Ed: we have a problem

Ed has sent an image of a hospital hallway. 

Stede: Shit, oh my god Ed??

Are you okay?

What happened?

Ed: yeah

i'm fine

didn't mean to worry you

have you heard of these fuckers?]

[Ed has sent an image of colourful gummy bears labelled: HARIBO

SUGARLESS GUMMI BEARS

Stede: Not really, I don't think

Ed: well we got a shipment in yesterday

were planning on using them as part of the new menu

sugar free cupcakes and shit

anyway, my fucking co owner decided to eat one too many

starts complaining of stomach pains

convinces me he has appendicitis

begs me to take him to the hospital

Stede: That's awful!

Is it appendicitis?]

[Stede: Is it appendicitis? Ed: fuck no it's the gummy bears they're keeping him for a bit to replenish his fluids or something then i'll have to drive him home and close up shop properly]

[Stede’s private Twitter. 
@impolitemenace

Tweet: 
well

Posted 6:32 PM 14 Jul 2023

Stede has posted a picture of Toad from Frog and Toad standing on his head]

[Ed’s private Twitter account. 

@saltandpepperbeard

Ed has posted a picture of a yellow emoji face flat staring blankly. With the text: i am trying to i am restrain all emotion so i don't fucking cry

Posted 6:35 PM 14 Jul 2023]

 [Ed’s private Twitter. Posted 6:35PM, 14 July. Ed has posted an image of a poorly drawn smiling octopus from SMAU piña coladas with “this is a nightmare” written beside it.]

[Ed’s private Twitter 

@saltandpepperbeard

Tweet: i am going to kill israel hands

Ed has posted a picture of a white husky with text over laid: I'm neither joking nor serious but another secret third thing

Posted 6:40 PM 14 Jul 2023]

[haribo sugar free gummy bears

haribo sugar free gummies

haribo sugar free gummy bears ingredients

haribo sugar free gummy bears reviews]

[iMessages between ed and stede. 

Ed: fuck stede, I’m so sorry. 
Stede (typing): maybe it’s a sign]

[Stede (typing): maybe we’re trying too hard to make something work]

[Ed: fuck stede, i'm so sorry

Stede: It's fine!

Ed: shit man, it's not fine

and you're allowed to be upset by the fact that it's not fine

fuck, i'd invite you to have shitty hospital coffee with me right now but you deserve better

you deserve a proper date

you deserve to be woo'd stede bonnet

Stede: Ed, you really don't have to say all that

i know, but i mean it]

[Stede’s private Twitter. Posted 8:19PM. 14 July 2023. Tweet: Friday night movie. Stede has posted a photo of his living room. Pirates of the Caribbean is playing on his TV, with warm lighting behind.]

[Swede’s public profile. Posted 8:31PM. 14 July. 2023. Tweet: Friday night movie (happy smiling emoji) Swede has posted a photo from his bedroom. Candles are lit and he has popcorn on the bed while he watches Twilight on his TV]

Notes:

find me on twitter @kindlingsmau