Chapter Text
“I’m not a witch! I’m not a witch!” yelled Captain Blackbeard to the angry mob of villagers while struggling against the ropes binding him to a giant wooden stake. While normally very very cool under pressure, even he got a bit panicked when the executioner approached holding a lit torch.
But even more scared than Captain Blackbeard, a lot more scared, was Captain Bonnet. He wanted to save the man he wanted to bang, but that meant revealing himself the actual witch the village was looking for ever since all their weapons had mysteriously turned into marmalade.
Just as the torch touched the wood piled under Captain Blackeard, Captain Bonnet was out of time to mull over his options.
In the dark expanse of the ocean, a single lantern illuminating the deck of The Revenge was the only light for miles. It cast a soft glow over Frenchie as he continued to share his fan fiction and doing surprisingly good voices.
The crew had grown to love Captain Bonnet’s storytime. So much so that some evenings they continued after Stede went to bed. Since Lucus didn’t want to be stuck reading all the time they took turns making up their own stories.
“Stede raised his arms up and called out, “Incinerate gluteus maximus!” The fire under Captain Blackbeard was immediately extinguished. Then Captain Bonnet suddenly appeared next to Captain Blackbeard waved his hands and the rope disappeared. He nabbed Captain Bleackbeard and flew off into the sky. The villagers didn’t have time to parse out what they saw before they started feeling warm. Then hot. Then very hot. The screams began as their asses burst into flames.
The captains watched from the church clock tower as villagers ran around setting buildings on fire with their burning bottoms.
When the crew started they mostly told fairy tales they remembered from childhood, then went on to stories based on their own lives. Sometimes it severed as a passive aggressive was to talk it though, like Roach’s morality tale about the boy who was cursed for using someone else’s knives without sharpening them afterwards.
Lately they’d been fond of stories about their captains. Specifically, their captains falling in love, or declaring their love, or just fucking because of love. There were all kinds of situations in tones ranging from syrupy sweet to aggressively pornagraphic.
“They’re such dicks about witches!” exclaimed Captain Bonnet.
“You’re a witch, mate?” Captain Blackbeard asked, not super-surprised. It was the first thing he learned about Captain Bonnet that made sense.
“Yes, oh, but I’m not like the others! I promise! I prefer to curse with kindness and use polite magics. Unless of course, they mess with someone I love, then the whole lot of ‘em can burn in hell.”
“Love?” asked Blackbeard, learning a lot of information at once.
“Oh, Edward m’dear I know I’m a strange hoity-toity guy who doesn’t belong on a ship. And that you’re a badass pirate. The most badass pirate, but we get on so well - which is odd. Like, so odd. Really, it’s hard to express just how odd, but I fancy you and I suspect the feeling is mutual.”
“It's really fucking mutual, Stede,” then Captain Blackbeard kissed him hard, “I don’t care what they think. Even if it makes me less of a badass.”
“I think you have a good ass, Edward.” Captain Bonnet said in kinda a cute way.
“I should have known you’re a witch.”
“Why is that?”
“Because you have clearly put a spell on me.”
“Oh, no! I would never do that to you!”
“I was joking, Stede. I just mean I like you… a lot.”
“Oh.”
Captain Bonnet blushed.
“I don’t care that you are a witch. I still want to bang you for some inexplicable reason.”
Blackbeard’s hand traveled up Captain Bonnet’s stockings, maybe he has a leg thing? And then further up his thigh until he reached his cock.
“You know, mate, I know a bit of magic myself.” Captain Blackbeard said cooly.
The sexual tension between Blackbeard and Stede had reached such heights that even the crew needed an outlet. They leaned in as Frenchie got to the smutty part of the story. It was very graphic and intricate but still a little sweet.
“Then he came just all over the place!“
Frenchie had just completed describing the completion when they heard an unmistakably repressed voice.
“You fucking perverts! How dare you speak that way about Blackbeard and your ponce of a captain?” asked Izzy, horrified.
“How can’t we? You’ve seen them together, they are clearly hot for each other.” replied Wee John.
“Fucking disrespectful is what it is.” Izzy grumbled.
“So we should stick to the stories about you then, sweetie?” asked Lucius.
“Fucking what? No! You should all be sleeping so you can sail this fucking carnival you call a ship without getting us killed.”
“Oh come on, don’t judge until you hear it.” Lucius taunted, “So, like, I’ve been thinking about one where Blackbeard owns a bar and grill and you are his new server. He makes you wear this skimpy outfit and one day you break a bunch of glasses and have to be punished…”
“You sick fucking fuckers. Fuck!” Izzy stormed off, angry at crew for their lack of decorum and absolutely furious that Lucius’s story closely resemble a dream he’d had.
“Love you too, Iz!” Lucius called after the rapidly retreating figure.
“That guy is objectively a bummer,” observed Frenchie, “Okay, so who’s next?”
“I want to hear more of Fang’s story about the dance competition.” Wee John requested.
“Really?” asked Fang, with a flattered giggle, “It’s still a work in progress, but I have the next chapter planned out. Spoiler: It involves a slow dance.”
“Can I take a turn? Got a good one.” asked Buttons.
“If it’s another cannibal story, then absolutely not.” Lucius informed him.
“Not this time laddy. It’s ‘bout a man who has a hook for a – ” started Buttons.
“I’m gonna stop you right there. I hate to kink-shame, but we’ve talked about this before. Your stories are simply not safe for deck. Wee John still hasn’t recovered from your last one.”
“The nightmares…. so vivid…” Wee John confirmed with a shudder.
“Hey, Buttons, let’s you an me have a private chat later,” Roach offered, as he was the only other one onboard who shared his appreciation of more hardcore themes.
“Jim, what about you?” asked The Swede, “You’re always so quiet when we’re… You’re always so quiet.”
“I was raised by a nun who taught me life is full of pain and disappointment. She skipped over how to tell dumb love stories about idiots.”
“Surely, you can at least imagine something along those lines.” Goaded Oluwande, very much wanting to hear Jim express anything about what they liked in a partner.
“Fine.” Jim acquiesced, “Once upon a time one captain said ‘blah, blah, feelings, blah, blah’ then the other one said ‘blah’ and then they boned. The end.”
“Aww… come on now, the captains may not make sense at first, you’ve got to admit it’s a bit romantic. Love can come out of all kinds of places, especially between good mates.” Olu suggested. It was fine until he made it weird. He looked at Jim nervously, “In the story, I mean. Oh, and I suppose in real life too, but I was just referring to the captains… well and I suppose Lucius and Pete… and Lucius and – “
“I know what you mean.” Jim replied curtly, desperately wanting him to stop - almost as desperately as they wanted to see his expression when he came.
“Good, because I didn’t want to be misinterpreted or – ” Oluwande hoped Jim cut him off soon to save him from his own rambling.
“Got it. Really, You can be quiet now. Seriously.“ they insisted, tipping their hat to hide the blush creeping over their cheeks.
No one knew what to say until Lucius spoke up, “Okaaaay… as intrigued as I am by whatever all this is,” he motioned towards Oluwande and Jim, “I vote we call it a night. And if you’re all good little pirates, I just may have a hot rimming story for tomorrow”
“Oh, those are my favorite!” said The Swede, promising to be a good little pirate.
The bunch of wild characters exchanged good nights, settled into their spots on deck. Jim and Oluwande excused themselves to go to their room - no one was silly enough to comment on them further.
“No one wank off too loudly please.” Pete requested.
Everyone did their best to comply, those who did wank off did so as quiet as a mouse wanking off.
✣ ✣ ✣ ✣ ✣
Stede waited until the crew was all tucked in, then added a few minutes for wanking time before sneaking out of one of his fun secret passages. He originally thought the location of this one would be perfect for listening in on all the nice things his adoring crew would say about him. The things that were so complimentary that they would be embarrassed to say them to their captain’s face.
Turned out he had miscalculated just a tad. Since unhearing wasn’t an option, he had abandoned that space until he noticed this little spin-off of his storytime was going on. The fact that they were continuing something he started was obviously far more meaningful than any words, no matter how misguided or mean or explicit they were.
Stede slowly exited the secret passage and emerged in the ensuite. Stede was not quite as relaxed as his crew was, but since it was such a lovely night he decided to take a stroll around the ship before returning to his quarters to masturbate and/or cry.
Stede heard a tapping above his heard. Assuming it was one of those normal ship noises, he ignored it. Then it happened again a bit louder. He looked up and saw the glow of embers highlighting the particularly hot silhouette of Stede’s platonic buddy as he expelled a sexy puff of smoke from his inviting lips.
“Edward?” he stage whispered.
“Stede? Is that you? Didn’t see you there, mate.” Ed lied.
“Good evening, Edward,” Stede said, still loud whispering, not wanting to disturb the crew. “May I join you?“
“Course, anytime.”
Stede made his way up to the place he and Ed had spent the night together post lighthouse impression.
“Thank you,” said Stede as he sat next to Ed, thrilled to be in a spot small enough to justify sitting closely. “I was just out for a walk. I left my cabin just now and immediately walked here.” Stede explained in a totally normal way.
“Yeah, me too, but you know, from my quarters and for a smoke. No other reason.” Ed replied equally normally.
“Right, of course. Me too, about the walk I mean.” Stede added unnecessarily.
Their silence was uncharacteristically awkward, Both men were embarrassed about spying on the crew, suspected/hoped the other had been doing the same, and relieved it was too dark for anyone to make out the outline of an erection.
Ed exhaled a thick cloud of smoke. The scent was warm and sweet. More like incense than tobacco.
“My, that smells lovely.”
“Wanna puff?” Ed offered with a grin more mischievous than his uzsh.
“Thank you, that would be lovely,” Stede accepted and put the pipe to his lips, so very aware it had just been between Ed’s.
Ed had almost rescinded the offer, but one hit wouldn’t hurt him. Although, damn, Stede took a rather impressive drag, held it a few moments, then eyes closed, leaned his head back and slowly exhaled. He looked at Blackbeard, flashing him a rarely-seen knowing smile.
“My, that is some excellent opium, Edward.”
“What? How do you – ” Ed was once again surprised by this bizarre little man.
“Really? Come on. I’ve had substances before, Ed,” Stede pouted “I’m not a child. The upper crust spends half their time stewed out of their minds - it’s the only way they can tolerate being around each other.”
“So you used to…?”
“Honestly, not a lot. Being incapacitated around my peers seemed ill-advised given their proclivity for pranks, but every now and then I’d pack a small pipe when I went to the woods to read. It was really quite relaxing.” Stede said before taking a larger pull, exhaling an impressive puff of smoke in Ed’s direction wearing an expression that was trying to say ‘See I can be cool too’. It was followed by a less cool cough.
“Huh. Sorry. No offense man, sometimes you just seem very… You can come across as…”
“Naive? Inexperienced? Virginal?”
“Uh, yeah, kinda… now that you mention it.” Ed replied sheepishly.
“I don’t know why being optimistic or showing any amount of excitement makes people think I’ve just fallen off the coconut cart.” Stede said with an exasperated tone.
“No, it’s a good thing. Just unusual. Most people who have done a lot of exciting things are burnt out, nothin’ to look forward to.”
“What a sad thought. There are always new things to be excited about!”
“It’s hard sometimes when you feel like it’s too late to try something new. That’s it’s too late to explore a new path.”
“Even when I felt trapped, I still had dreams. Then Mary said to me, ‘we only have this one life’ and I knew it was time.”
“That was right before you left her, yeah?”
“Okay, granted when you say that it sounds less than inspirational - on the surface. I strongly believe it was the best thing for both of us. I know I am much happier now. I can't imagine that she cares that I left. Probably a relief actually. No we are both free to try a new path, to… explore.”
“Even if that path is a bit mental,” Ed teased.
“You know, you're on a new path too,Ed.”
“What the fuck you mean? I’ve been doing the same thing forever, man.”
“Yes, but who would have imagined that the dreaded Blackbeard would be teaching piracy to a naive little dandy like me?” Stede joked, “That’s something to be excited about.”
“Oh, fuck off with that dandy shit,” Ed playfully swatted at him, “And you are the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in god knows how fucking long.” Ed said with his hand firmly on Stede’s shoulder, giving him an affectionate squeeze before reminding himself that he really shouldn’t keep his hand on Stede all night.
This time the silence was comfortable, even warm. They sat together, content watching the waves and as they passed the pipe back and forth.
“Ed?”
“Yes, Stede?”
“Since you didn’t think I knew what opium was, I take it that you were going to let me smoke it without any kind of warning?”
“Yeah, I was.” Ed confessed with an audible smirk.
“Seems a bit dickish.” Stede replied, pretending to be offended.
“Didn't you read that in your book about me? ‘Blackbeard, born of the devil, can sometimes be a bit of a dick.’”
“I must have missed that passage.” Stede giggled, “Oh, it has been a very long time since I’ve done this. My tolerance must be frightfully low or perhaps this is just very potent. Or I suppose it could be both but,” Stede cut himself off so he could talk about something else, “Oh dear, I hope I don’t annoy you, Edward, it’s been brought to my attention on more than one occasion that I can be somewhat loquacious under the influence.”
Were he less high, Ed would have suggested that it was impossible for Stede to get more loquacious, but instead he blurted out the first thing that popped into mind, “Nah, it’s cute, mate.”
“Cute…?” Stede asked, his voice pitched higher than he intended.
“Funny. Good for a laugh.” Blackbeard backtracked, unconvincingly, “You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I think I might…” Stede trailed off allowing the rest of his sentence to float away with the smoke. They returned to cozy silence. For a short time.
“Edward?”
“Yes, Stede?”
“Did you happen to notice if the crew was up late chatting?”
“Think I might have heard some muttering. You know what they were on about?” asked Ed cautiously.
“Not sure really, but I may have, perhaps heard our names come up once or twice.”
“And uh… yeah, now that I think about it, I may have heard them refer to some particular activities.”
“Rather rigorous activities.” said Stede giggling again, but this time he wasn’t alone, “I suppose it’s silly for us to pretend. So I gather that you were –”
“Listening in as well? Yeah. Kinda was.”
The relief from their joint confessions was quickly replaced with anxiety about what that meant. They looked at each other both trying not to look like they were trying to look at each other.
“Edward, do you know what I’ve found pairs nicely with opium?” Stede asked.
“Brandy?” Ed guessed hopefully.
“You read my mind.”
As they headed to Stede’s cabin to get more fucked up, Ed wished he really could read Stede’s mind to see if it was even a fraction as filthy as his.