Chapter Text
“Well, come on, do what he said!” yelled Stede to his panicked crew. His urgency to protect them from the English was second only to his desire to talk to Ed who had just made a surprising and dramatic return.
Stede was sure that Ed left him for that less attractive, weirdly mustachioed, bad dancer. But when Ed climbed over the ship’s rail, soaking wet and giving the crew orders less likely to get them all killed, Stede had never been so happy to be proven wrong.
The crew scattered in every direction, they had received a single, straight-forward, direct order, but none of them appeared to know the drill. Was there a drill? Maybe they should have had drills.
“Has anyone seen the white flag?” called Wee John.
“Didn’t we use it to play ghost?” asked the Swede.
“That were a real ghost, boy!” Buttons explained.
“What about a bedsheet? Could that work?” Lucius suggested.
“I can’t sew that fast!” said Frenchie.
No one noticed Oluwanda calmly walking below deck.
EXT. DECK OF THE REVENGE - DAY
Ed and Stede look at each other as if they
are the only people on the ship, nay, in the
world - and for sure the only ones in this
scene. Their tunnel vision detaches them
from the panic and chaos going on around
them. Everything in the background is
blurred and moving in slow motion.
Gnossiennes No.5 starts playing softly as
they stare into each other’s eyes.
STEDE
Ed, I’m so sorry. I was a fool
to let Calico Jack upset me so.
An absolute fool! Your past
is none of my business.
ED
No, I’m sorry, mate, I made
it your business when I
invited my past to stay on
your ship.
STEDE
That is true, and he was
awful, but you did get
one thing wrong.
ED
What’s that?
STEDE
It’s
our
ship!
MEANWHILE…
The crew continued to freak out. Some kept looking for a flag, some tried to come up with feasible alternatives.
“Maybe I can make them some tapas?” suggested Roach
“Too spicy, they’re British.” Frenchie pointed out correctly..
“Boil some meat, then?” Roach countered, “and pudding?”
Wee John found a piece of very fancy flowery fabric, “It’s not white, or a flag, but maybe it could be soothing?”
While the rest of the crew scrambled and argued, Oluwanda came back on deck and headed to the mast carrying a white flag.
Frenchie came over to help, “Where’d you find that, mate?”
“Put it in one of Captain’s secret compartments. Figured we’d need it at some point and I didn’t want it to get mixed up in his arts and craft supplies.”
“Most excellent planning! Now let’s surrender.”
Frenchie attached the flag and Olu began raising it. It was nearly half mast when dark clouds began moving in from every direction, fast . A blinding flash of lighting cut across the sky and a huge clap of thunder reverberated through the ship.
The crews of all four ships watched fearfully as the clouds merged together, becoming one giant swirling mass. There was a second clap of thunder that sounded loud enough to break open the heavens. A multi-colored portal opened up in the center of the cloud formation, suggesting that maybe it had.
No one could tear their eyes from the spectacle, except for two people.
EXT. DECK OF THE REVENGE - DAY
ED and STEDE are looking at each other.
Neither noticed the thunder, lightning,
or screaming crew. Their whole world
is right in front of them. Ed takes
Stede’s hand in his. Gnossiennes No.5
starts is playing a touch louder now.
ED
Really thought it would
be fun to revisit my younger
self, but I’m just not that
guy anymore.
STEDE
I hope you don’t mind me
saying that I much prefer
this version of Ed.
ED
Don’t mind at all. Happy
about it even. And I like
you too. This version of…
umm… what I mean is,
reckon I’d like any version
of you, Stede. Every version.
STEDE
That’s very sweet Edward,
but I won’t hold you to that.
I can be terribly unpleasant
before my morning tea.
ED
Think I can deal with that.
Speaking of seeing you in
the morning, there’s
something I wanted to
ask you –
ROACH
Captains?
The RECORD SCRATCH sound effect
plays as the two turn towards Roach.
STEDE ED
Yes? What the fuck?
ROACH
Real happy you’re back Captain
Blackbeard, sir, but can we
focus on the giant sky hole?
WE NOW RETURN TO…
“The what now?” Ed asked.
Both captains looked up and saw the punctured sky above them.
“Now where the devil did that come from?” asked Stede.
Ed grabbed Stede’s hand and they ran over to join the crew along the rail of the ship.
“Captain Blackbeard, what do those clouds mean?” asked Pete, looking for reassuring words from his hero.
“Don’t know. Probably that we’re fucked.” said Ed, which was immediatley followed by an ominous roll of thunder. Pete was the opposite of reassured.
The wind picked up as did the frequency of the lightning. Suddenly, a rainbow beam shot out of the cloud’s center followed by a tiny sparkly speck.
“Is that a falling star?” asked Stede.
“I think it’s a person!” called Oluwanda looking through his telescope, “A person surrounded by lightning, if that’s a thing.”
The lightning speck/person hovered above the British ships for a moment before shooting lightning bolts that completely obliterated two of the ships. The speck then hurtled down towards the sea, smashing right into… right through!...the middle of the third ship, breaking it in two. Both halves tipped and began taking on water.
“Well, that certainly was lucky!” Stede turned back to Ed, “So, what is it you wanted to ask?”
“Stede, let’s see if more sparkly things might pop out and destroy us first.”
“Yes, quite right. Okay, so what causes sky holes, typically?” Stede tried his best to care. As he reached the end of the sentence, the portal closed, the clouds dispersed and the sea calmed, “Well then, there we –”
“Captains, somethin’ be headin’ our way!” Buttons called to Ed and Stede.
A large piece of debris from the halved ship floated rapidly towards them. Notably, it was moving in the opposite direction of the rest of the debris and residual bits of lightning were emanating from it. As it got closer, they were able to see the unconscious figure sprawled across it. A brightly dressed, blood spattered, and impossibly hunky figure.
“He must be what came through the rainbow portal,”
“Aye! And he appears to be made of pure muscle.” Buttons observed, licking his lips for a different reason than other members of the crew were.
“We should tend to the man who just saved up. Bring him aboard.” ordered Stede.
Wee John climbed down and put the stranger into the rope hammock the crew had somehow fashioned more quickly than it took to raise a white flag. They hulled him up and laid the brawny man on deck.
“Is he a mermaid? asked The Swede.
“We just saw him fall out of the sky” countered Wee John.
“A skymaid then?”
“Impossible, they don’t come this far north until summer.” explained Frenchie.
“He looks like a general or a king.” said Pete in wonder.
“Babe, tongue back in mouth and close jaw.” Lucius instructed Pete, that boy did love authority.
“And we are sure, he’s not a British soldier, one with better fashion sense?” asked Stede.
“No British person has ever looked like that, Captain.” observed Lucius.
“Ah, yes, good point. He is rather striking.”
“Looks like some kind of Viking clown to me,” Ed disliked him immediately.
“Okay, if that guy is a clown, you really need to tell me what circuses you’ve been going to.” demanded Lucius.
“Whatever he is, let’s get him to my cabin and out of that uniform, if that blood is his, he could be severely injured.”
“That’s the best order you’ve ever given, Captain.” it was the first time Pete respected something Stede said.
Ed placed his hand on Stede’s shoulder, “Stede, think they’ve got it. Wanna finish our conversation somewhere private?” Ed suggested, suggestively.
“No, no, you were right, Ed. This is a more pressing matter. Plenty of time to talk later,” Stede was thoroughly caught up in being a good host to the unknown beefcake. “Wee John, can you lift him up under his arms, Pete, get his legs, I’ll direct so you don’t bump into anything.” They managed to move him without bumping him into too many things.
Lucius approached Blackbeard, who was left standing there looking agitated.
“Don’t worry about it, Captain Bonnet only has eyes for you.”
“Fuck you talking about? Worry? I’m not worried.”
“Okay, sure, but your face says otherwise.”
Ed’s fingers found their way to the hilt of his knife, “What’s that, Lucius’s face? You’re saying you want to be stabbed? Over and over?”
Lucius held up his hands protectively, “I just wanted… I didn’t mean to… nevermind… never said a thing. Quiet as a mouse, see…” the scribe made a tiny ‘squeak’ sound to demonstrate.
“Fuck off.”
“Yes, captain, absolutely fucking off right now.” Lucius took off quickly following Stede to see if they needed any help disrobing the living Greek statue they’d brought onboard.
* * *
This was not the man Stede wanted in his bed.
As soon as this bare-chested behemoth was awake and well, Stede would talk to Ed. He thought they had been having a moment back before the magic storm, but maybe he’d been projecting.
Right now, this strapping stranger was the priority. Stede sat on the side of the bed, wiping his head with a cool cloth. “Where did you come from, Mr. Mysterious Viking Guy? How did you destroy those ships? And thank you by the way.”
Stede thought for a moment.
“You won’t destroy this ship, I hope? I suppose I should have considered that possibility before bringing you on board. Oh well, you look like a nice enough fella. I’m sure you mean no harm.”
Stede began to reminisce fondly with the unconscious man,“You know, I was once in a very similar situation as you are now. I was also injured and tended to by a pirate captain, but that captain was the famed Blackbeard! I don’t know if sky-people would have heard of him, but he is quite legendary here. And… can you keep a secret? I think I rather fancy him.” Stede admitted for the first time out loud.
Ed burst in foregoing his usual knock, “Stede, is that guy dead yet because I have some things I want to…”
Ed froze in his tracks. His eyes widened, then grew very narrow as he took in the scene. Seeing Stede in the same position he was in only weeks ago elicited a strong sense of deja vu and a nearly overwhelming wave of jealousy.
“Oh, um… sorry to bother you.”
“Edward, you are never a bother! I’m just seeing to our gargantuan guest here. We removed the armor and it seems all that blood must have belonged to the British soldiers because he doesn’t have a scratch on him. Such a relief!”
“Yeah, that… that’s great.”
“Now, what can I do for you?”
“Was thinking we could go rummaging through that last ship before it’s completely sunk. Kinda like a treasure hunt.” Ed phrased it in the most Stede-centric way he could think of.
“Oh, that sounds… but I suppose I should stay here with him. That’s what you did for me as captain. And we do owe him for saving us. But you can take some of the crew scavenging. That way, both duties are covered. What a wonderful example of why co-captains are such a good idea!”
“Guess so.” Ed said, trying to mask the fury building in him as he watched Stede dab the dude’s forehead with a cloth and… was Stede staring at that oaf’s chest?
“I certainly don’t mean this to sound lascivious, Ed, but his physique is rather remarkable, isn’t it? How do you suppose one even goes about that? Perhaps he’s some kind of medical oddity?”
“Like a freak?”
“There must be a kinder way to say that.”
“What’s that, Mr. Buttons?” Ed yelled towards the open door.
“What?” asked Stede, confused.
“Buttons just called me. You didn’t hear him?”
“He did? No, I must have…” Stede rubbed his ears.
“Be right there!” Ed replied to an imaginary Buttons.
“He called again?” Stede asked, growing concerned.
“Just now, clear as day. Maybe you should ask Roach to check your hearing, yeah?’
“Oh, dear.” Stede fretted.
“Sure you’re fine, mate, but gotta run, you know how Buttons gets,” Ed rushed out, still acting his ass off, “Is this about the starfish again?” he yelled to no one.
Once he was out of Stede’s actual hearing range, he punched a wall like a man and grumbled to himself, “Fucking beefy medical oddity Viking motherfucker!”
Back in the captains’ chambers, Stede turned to the sleeping giant. “That was Edward, the one I was telling you about. I can’t wait for you to wake up so you can see how handsome he is! He can be a little bit peculiar sometimes but it’s just one of the many things I love about him.”