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“I don’t see why I can’t come with you, boss.” Izzy questioned Blackbeard outside the Bridgetown pub.
“As I said, I am visiting a proper lady and her children. We don't want you scaring them with your fucking weird energy and your angry little weasle face.”
“And all that black shit smeared on yours won’t scare anyone?”
“I fucking said to stay the fuck here.” Blackbeard’s hand met Izzy’s cheek in a loud slap that echoed down the dimly lit street.
“Whatever you say, Captain.” agreed Izzy, feeling ashamed that he welcomed the contact as he spit out a mouthful of blood.
Blackbeard put on a mocking mock-cheerful tone, “Come now, Izzy, why are we fighting? Let me do my thing and you just wait here and have a drink. Maybe make some friends. Better yet, Izz, do us both a favor and get yourself laid.” Blackbeard laughed to himself and continued on his way, not even bothering to turn back to see the look of pain he knew was on Izzy's face.
This new version of Blackbeard, post-Stede, post-namby-pamby, was more like Blackbeard than Edward ever was. Things Izzy could say before were now only met with violence and disdain. But that’s what he wanted. At least, that’s what he thought. At first. He wanted Blackbeard to hurt him, enjoyed when Blackbeard hurt him. But there is a difference between hurt and absolutely gutting cruelty. More and more Izzy had been the recipient of the latter.
Izzy entered the bar. Mine as well get tanked while he waits. The place was packed with a bunch of Bonnet-looking motherfuckers spewing boring chatter about their dull days. It was clear that this was not a place to discuss sailing or looting or skull talk of any sort.
Izzy wasn’t comfortable in places like this. He was barely comfortable in places where he was comfortable. But especially here, amongst these normal people, he felt like a bull in an idiot shop.
He looked around, not bothering to mask his resting dick face. He wasn’t meant to be there anymore than Bonnet was meant to be on a pirate ship. The smallest hint of a smile crept over his face when he reminded himself that Bonnet wasn’t on a pirate ship anymore. Wasn’t anywhere anymore.
When they’d heard the rumor of Bonnet's death, Izzy didn’t want to believe it. Not out of any consideration for Bonnet, or his lovesick captain, but because he was afraid to be happy about something.
They’d immediately left the Republic of Pirates for Barbados, to Stede fucking Bonnet’s hometown because Blackbeard didn’t believe the story. To be fair, it was fucking insane, but pirate stories always got exaggerated. For god’s sake, there were people who believed that Blackbeard’s head was made of smoke and that his eyes glowed red.
Plenty of pirates were rumored to have died battling the entire Spanish Armada or being massaged to death by mermaids. Bonnet probably died in some pathetic way like hitting his head after tripping over a flouncy silk robe, or got an infected paper cut from a moldy old book, but average people want a grand tale. These dullards would believe anything in order to make their tiny lives seem at all interesting.
“And that’s when Stede Bonnet ran Blackbeard through with a sword!” Jeffery Fettering mimed sword fighting in a way that let Izzy know the guy was useless.
“No! Really?” asked another middle-aged patron.
“He did! Of course Blackbeard survived because he turned into smoke and escaped.” Jeffery explained.
“And didn’t Stede once battle the Kraken? He was a true hero!” piped up another equally aged and equally male customer.
Jesus fucking christ. Just hearing Bonnet’s name made Izzy’s feel ill, hearing people saying he was a hero made his skin crawl.
“Can you all shut the fuck up about that asshole?” a woman’s voice requested rather strongly.
“Asshole? Stede Bonnet showed us that we can be whatever we want to be. He gave us something to aspire to!” Jeffery defended The gentleman Pirate, whom he still missed greatly.
“Maybe that worm was an inspiration to you useless layabouts. Personally, I wish I could watch Bonnet die again.” said the voice, prompting the group of men to huddle more tightly to continue their stories in a whisper.
It was the closest thing to a siren song Izzy had ever heard on land. Who was this kindred soul? He looked for the owner of the voice and saw a striking woman in a red dress and matching eyepatch sitting alone at the bar. For the first time, Izzy Hands felt compelled to approach a woman in a bar.
“Heard what you said about Bonnet, and I couldn’t agree more. Izzy opened, feeling uncharacteristically nervous, “I only wish I had been there to see him die.”
“Let me tell you, when life is at it’s worst, I’ll always be comforted by the memory of that piano smashing his stupid face.”
“I’d love to hear details if you’d oblige me.”
“Sure. You’re buying.” she commanded, taking a drag from her cigarette
“That’s fair.”
“Evelyn.” The widow Higgins offered her hand.
“Israel.” replied Izzy. Not sure if he was supposed to shake or kiss her hand, so he took her hand by the side and did a half shake thing. It was awkward.
“What brings you here?” Evelyn asked, inspecting the man, “Gay circus in town?”
“No, but that isn’t an entirely incorrect description of my job.” Izzy replied with a smirk. He so rarely liked anyone upon first meeting. Or after any number of meetings.
“And that job is…?’
“I’m in the trading… I oversee exporting and…import –”
“Pirate?”
“Is it that obvious?” Izzy looked around to see if his presence was attracting attention.
“To me at least. Spent a little time in the Republic of Pirates. These morons won’t bother you. I’m the only person you need to worry about in this bar and I don’t mind your kind. If people can’t defend what’s theirs than they deserve to lose it.”
“Never thought of it that way.”
“You’re a little far inland for looting.” she observed.
“My Captain knew Bonnet. Brought us here to make sure he’s really dead. Going to see his widow now.”
“So a pirate captain is going to see my dear friend Mary right now?”
“Yes, but he wouldn’t hurt her or the children.”
“He’d better not if he doesn’t want a skewer through his head.”
“That’s a very specific concern.”
“She almost killed Stede that way. Love her, but her one fault was not going through with it.”
“So even his wife wanted him dead?”
“Wouldn’t you think his wife would especially want him dead?”
“I suppose so.” Izzy responded.
“Running out on them to play pirate was the best thing Stede could have done for them. But then he managed to fuck that up by coming back.”
“I can imagine their disappointment.” Izzy said with empathy, thinking of how badly he would feel if by some chance Bonnet wasn’t dead.
“Yeah, I imagine you can.”
“How did he end up with such a reasonable wife?”
“It was arranged.”
“That explains it.”
“Yeah. So, why aren’t you off with your boss harassing my friend?”
“He didn’t want me to go. Says I’ll scare Bonnet’s kids.” explained Izzy, trying cover the embarrassment of saying something like that out loud.
“Sounds like a great boss.” Evelyn said sarcastically. “He do that too?” she asked as she handed him her handkerchief and motioned to the trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth.
“Thank you.” said Izzy as he accepted the handkerchief and dabbed away the blood. “My Captain can be… blunt on occasion. Most of the time he’s fine. Or at least not as bad.”
“That’s what we tell ourselves, isn’t it?” she said knowingly.
“It’s what I choose to believe.” he responded, not able to maintain eye contact for the whole sentence.
Evelyn went back to the topic both she and the abused pirate wanted to commiserate about, “And how were you lucky enough to meet Stede fucking Bonnet?”
“Stumbled upon the idiot when he ran his ship aground. Thought at first Captain would want to run the standard drill, raid the vessel, execute the crew. Instead he insisted on keeping Bonnet and his sorry excuse for a crew around as playthings.”
“Ew.”
“That was my reaction as well.”
“What’s his problem?”
“Beats me. He’s been deteriorating for months. Used to be ferocious, confident, merciless, then he started questioning everything. After meeting Bonnet he started talking about ‘the high life’ and retirement.”
“Sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. My Marcus had one of those. Men have the luxury to question their choices because they had so many to choose from. It was quite tiresome for me and Melvin.”
“Melvin?”
“My son.”
“You have kids?”
“Just the one. You sound surprised.”
“You don’t have a real nurturing vibe.” Izzy shared.
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“That’s how it was meant.”
“You have any kids?” Evelyn asked.
“I did. Once.”
“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry.” She said with genuine sympathy in her voice.
“It was a long time ago. Probably for the best. He would have grown up to be just as miserable as his father.” Izzy said, clearly trying to convince himself that was the truth.
Evelyn signaled to the bartender, “Hey, Lou, just bring us the bottle would you?”
✣ ✣ ✣ ✣ ✣
It wasn’t quite dawn, but it was late and early enough that respected townsfolk were starting to wake up. Izzy and Eveyln were now the last people in the bar except for the bartender, who knew better than to try to kick them out.
“And then Bonnet was all ‘Oh Blackbeard, I love your hair and beard and all that’.” explained Izzy as he put out his cigarette in the overflowing ashtray next to the nearly empty bottle.
“Blackbeard? This captain Edward guy is fucking Blackbeard?” asked Evelyn as she lit another cigarette for Izzy.
“Yes. I suppose I should not have disclosed that.”
“Nah, what does it matter? It’s just us here. And Lou.” Evelyn called over to the bartender, “Lou, you won’t tell anyone what we’re talking about, right?”
“Only if I get tired of having balls, Evelyn.” replied Lou, in a tone that suggested he had long ago accepted that the fate of his balls and Evelyn’s wishes were inextricably intertwined.
“See?”
“You certainly know how to command.” Izzy’s respect had never been won so quickly.
“It’s a skill I’ve acquired over the years. So, wait, now I get why you’re into him, but does that mean that Blackbeard, the Blackbeard, has a thing for –“
“Stede fucking Bonnet.”
“That is horrifying.”
“They were inseparable. Like a couple of school girls. He even gave up piracy for that poncy freak.”
“Jeez… from everything I’d heard, I had respected Blackbeard. Really disappointing.”
“Right? Imagine seeing it happen. That beautiful ferocious legend turned into a dandy-chasing shell of a man.”
“And before Stede, were you and Blackbeard – ”
“No.”
“But you wanted – ”
“Yes.”
“He knows that?”
“Yes. He did and he does. Make sure to bring it up when he wants a laugh.”
“Men are the fucking worst.”
“Cheers to that!” said Izzy, the clinked glasses and threw back another shot.
“My ex was a cunt too.”
“The Marcus you mentioned?” asked Izzy.
“Nah, Marcus was okay enough. I was married once before him. Turns out a 15 year old girl was the exact amount needed to repay my father’s gambling debts.”
“Fuck. I don’t know what to say.”
“Nothing to say. Luckily, it didn’t last long. We had fundamentally different ideas about how a lady should be treated.” Evelyn unconsciously moved her hand towards her eyepatch. Izzy noticed before she caught herself and pulled back.
“Your eye…?”
“Yeah, but I took out both of his. And then some.” It was only the second time Evelyn had ever shared that.
“Good for you. Suppose that puts the toe I lost into perspective.”
“One toe? How does that even happen?”
“He cut it off while I slept and… umm… made me eat it.”
“Damn! I have heard of some kinky shit before, but that might be the freakiest thing I’ve ever heard.” Evelyn said, strangely impressed.
“It was… unexpected.”
“Huh. Sounds kinda hot, though.”
“It was that too.” Izzy admitted.
“Too bad it’s not something you can indulge in often.” Evelyn said, pouring both another drink.
“Only nine more times, unless he moves to fingers.”
“Cheers to that too!” exclaimed Evelyn. They both drank and broke into a laughter that most people are lucky enough to not understand.
They were laughing so much that they didn’t register when the tavern door flew open or the sound of heavy, stumbling boots making their way in.
“Izzy!”
Izzy and Evelyn turned towards the entrance and saw an unexpectedly jovial and exceedingly intoxicated Blackbeard who would most assuredly be on the ground if not partially supported by Mary.
“Yes, Captain.” Evelyn watched as Izzy transformed back into First Mate Hands.
“There you are!” The disheveled pirate let go of Mary and clumsily bounded towards them. “Izzy, did you make a little friend?” he extended his hand to Eveylyn. “Hi! I’m Blackbeard, and you are…?”
“Not interested.” said Evelyn with an unapproving look.
“Ha! Wonderful! I see why you two get along! Hurry up, Izzy, I’ll be outside. Much work to do!” Blackbeard almost skipped his way back to the door, until he tripped over absolutely nothing. He paused, then slowly made his way back to Mary, leaned on her shoulder and pointed to the door, “I’d like to go there please, Miss Mary.”
Mary helped him out, giving Evelyn an exasperated look and mouthed the word “Quickly”.
Evelyn nodded in acknowledgement and turned back to Izzy, “That emo freak is Blackbeard?”
“He’s not at his best.”
“You can do better.”
“Wish I wanted to.” Izzy shrugged.
“Seriously, Israel, if the situation evolves, I’m more than happy to help.”
“I don’t think we’ll reach that point. He’s just in a phase.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that before. Said that before too. In case you change your mind, my son and I run the mortuary so just another day in the office.”
“Appreciate it. ‘fraid I don’t have anything to offer in return.”
“No need, it’s been nice talking to someone who isn’t a complete twat for a change.”
“Have you ever considered pirating? Think it might suit you.”
“Nah, too many dudes.”
“Funny, that’s why I like it.” Izzy said, cracking them both up yet again. He couldn’t remember the last time his sides hurt from laughing. Hell, he couldn’t even remember the last joke he had made before this evening.
“You should look into some of them.” replied Evelyn, very much not joking.
“Thank you, I’ll consider it, really. But for now I’m afraid this is goodbye. Evelyn, it has truly been a pleasure meeting you. And I don’t say that very often.”
Izzy signaled to the bartender, “Lou, what do I owe – ”
“It’s on me.” Evelyn jumped in.
“But –”
“I insist.” the widow said insistently.
“Very well, but only because I suspect it would be unwise to disagree with you.”
“You’re a smart man, Israel. And I don’t say that very often.”
They shared another handshake and exchanged genuinely affectionate smiles.
“Farewell, Evelyn.”
“Take care, Izzy.”
Evelyn watched Izzy head out the door to join Blackbeard.
A moment after Izzy walked out the door, Mary came back in and ran up to Evelyn with a look of concern. “Evelyn, do you know who those men were?”
“Blackbeard and Israel Hands.” she answered in a blase tone that surprised Mary.
“Umm… yeah. Are you okay?”
“I’m doing better than Izzy is going to be in a minute. I’m assuming you told Ed about Stede?”
“Yeah. When he first showed up, I’ll admit I was a little scared but as soon as he saw the portrait with Stede painted out, he started crying. Like a lot. Evelyn, it was so much crying, I can’t even… anyway… I gave him a drink to calm him down which worked for a few minutes. Then he sang this unbelievably depressing song about letting go and dying. Really bummed out the kids.”
“Jesus, that’s grim. How did you get him to leave?”
“Once he referred to himself as Edward Teach, I finally realized this was the Ed that Stede was in love with. The crying really should have tipped me off… I told him Stede was alive and looking for him… then the happy crying started, which was somehow even more irritating.”
“Worst of both worlds.”
“Yes, I suppose. Anyway, he then insisted on celebratory drinks… also a lot. He said his grumpy little first mate was waiting for him here and I didn’t want to find him passed out in the yard in the morning, so I helped him back. The whole way he just muttered about Stede being ‘the real treasure’ and I think something about marmalade of all things.”
“Can you believe what passes for a legend these days?”
“It certainly makes me think pirates are way more delicate than the tales suggest. What about you? Did Izzy cry about something too?”
“Not in the least. First man I’ve met in this town in ages. Well, Doug is okay, just a little – “
“Evelyn, we agreed you’d stop using that word.”
“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Doug is very tolerable.”
“Yes he is. So what did Izzy want?”
“To be treated with the respect he deserves.”
“Did you tell him about Stede?”
“Nah, he was so happy thinking Stede was dead, I didn’t want to break his heart. He’ll be disappointed soon enough.”
“Well, now they’re off to find Stede, assuming he hasn’t gotten himself killed for real yet. I mean it’s all so completely ridiculous, but I guess romantic in a way?” Mary theorized rather generously.
“It’s fucking gross, but at least they are gone.”
“Whatever happens, I just hope that’s the last time I have to deal with Blackbeard or Stede.”
“Those two fucks deserve each other.” said Evelyn before finsihing the last of the whiskey straight from the bottle.
“How do you mean?”
“Neither one of them appreciated what they had.”
THE END