Work Text:
“Hi, I’m here to fix a leak?”
“Yes, thank you for coming on such short notice, and so late.”
“Well, you said it was an emergency. Where’s the problem?”
“In the bathroom. Go that way.”
“I know I’ve never been in this house before, but I don’t think there’s a bathroom that way.”
“Are you sure?”
“Extremely.”
“Well there is something with a sink in there, and the sink is leaking.”
“When did this leak start?”
“About an hour ago? Right before I decided I needed a plumber.”
“Okay, so this non-bathroom with a sink?”
“Yes, this is the room.”
“This is a kitchen.”
“I am not familiar with this concept.”
“It’s a human food preparation area.”
“Gross.”
“Where’s the leak?”
“Under the sink. Please assume the position.”
“Excuse me?”
“Bend down and show me the crack of your superb ass.”
“First of all, you’re moving too fast. Second, I’m wearing a belt.”
“I have seen pants fall down with belts still on.”
“I wear my belt the correct way.”
“That is not very plumberly of you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it, but there is — what the fuck happened here!?”
“What do you mean?”
“One of the pipes is gone!”
“Is that not normal?”
“No, that’s not normal! I was in here earlier today and there was nothing wrong with the sink!”
“There is a leak! Here I will show you!”
“No, don—FUCK! TURN THE SINK OFF!”
“Do you see how it leaks, Mr. Plumber Man?”
“It’s leaking because there’s an ENTIRE PIPE missing! That’s not even a leak! It’s a flood, and now I’m all wet!”
“That is not good, you could catch cold. Do you have a robe?”
“I’m a plumber who doesn’t live here, remember?”
“Oh. That’s right.”
“Maybe someone could warm me up instead?”
“I literally cannot do that.”
“You’re literally wearing a removable cape.”
“It would ruin my ensemble to take it off.”
“You’re eventually going to be taking everything off.”
“And your body heat is what keeps me warm. It does not work the other way around.”
“Well neither of us has much body heat right now, because of the missing pipe.”
“It is not missing, it is in the cabinet with the cups.”
“And you know that how?”
“I know that because I put it there when I too—it was a lucky guess.”
“Did you take the pipe out?”
“I admit to nothing.”
“Did you take it out because you knew I was going to pretend to be a plumber?”
“These scenarios work better when there is an element of truth to them.”
“You know I have to hire an actual plumber to fix this now, right?”
“You cannot fix it?”
“No! I don’t know how to replace an entire pipe!”
“You are not very good at your trade, then.”
“You know what, I’m going to walk away from this conversation before I do something I regret.”
“What about the sex?”
“I’m cold and wet and you’re just cold. I’m going to run the hottest bath I can stand, and you can join me after you get the pipe out the cabinet so I can give it to the real plumber tomorrow.”
“Very well, I will see you and you superb ass in the tub.”