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The first night after Dean saw Castiel get killed and his mother get pulled into the other world by lucifer he hid his tears from Sam, he didn’t need to see him break down; he was hurting too. when they got back to the bunker he hid in the cubical of his shower and cried so hard he vomited bile.
The nights after that were just as bad. He would lock the door to the shower room and bawl until he couldn’t breathe.
It’d been weeks since then now and Dean was still hurting but he had, at least, some faith that their mother was still alive in the other world, but Castiel he - well he had no hope that they could get him back; he had searched through all the angel lore books he could before his brain shut down and it’s not like God, Chuck, was about to pop by to bring him back again. he already tried asking.
So, Dean had to mourn Castiel but the thing about that is Dean sucks at it, especially since his life is filled with people dying and being resurrected seemingly constantly.
Dean doesn’t really know how to mourn but all he knows is it hurts too much to talk about so he does what he can to satiate the dark hole that’s been living in his chest since that day. He's drinking more than usual, though he makes sure it’s away from Sam and his dumb worried face, and just as he had the first couple nights he stands under the almost boiling stream of the shitty shower head in the bunker and cries.
Dean doesn’t just cry though. he's got into the habit of praying to Castiel, he knows that he's not there listening to him on the other end but it helps, albeit only for a moment.
Right now he's got his head pressed to his arms against the tile wall of the shower, so he doesn’t get a headache from the coldness of them - he's learned that from experience, as hot tears track his cheeks and he mumbles out a quiet, “hey Cas,” it catches in his throat.
“We had an easy hunt today, Jody asked us to do a quick salt and burn up in Daviess, Missouri. We-,” a sob tries to claw its way out of his throat, he doesn’t let it. “We hardly had to dig the guy up his grave was so shallow,” he huffs a laugh in spite of it all. “Surprised the critters hadn’t dug him up before we could,” he pauses, he feels dumb speaking to nobody but the last time he did this was a couple days ago and somewhere in the back of his brain he really hopes that wherever Castiel is he can hear him, or maybe not he's admitted some really dumb shit in the last couple weeks like this.
“Anyway I’m sure you don’t care about that I just- I wanted – to tell you I still miss you, more and more everyday it doesn’t seem to get better,” this time when he tries to push down the sob, it rises back up with a vengeance and rips from his throat. He breathes through it for a minute before continuing with a shallow breath. “People always say it gets better, but it’s not- I don’t even think- I’m not sure it ever will, Cas.”
Dean squeezes his eyes closed as tight as he can as more tears, that feel more like lava, stream from his eyes down his face. “Every time I close my fuckin’ eyes all I see is your face lit up like-,” he can’t say it can hardly even think it really. “I never even got to say goodbye.” His lip quivers as he, again, holds back tears. “You- you were there one second and then – fuck- and then you were on the floor and mom was gone and we’d only just found you I hardly even looked you in the eyes before-,” Dean’s repeating himself he's told all of this to “Cas” before but he can’t not relive it ,he's a bit of a masochist like that, if he's not reliving it in his head he hardly feels anything its almost like his emotions are miles off and the only one that still lives within him is this grief that’s curled up in his chest, growing deeper with time.
He pauses, standing up straighter, running his hands through his soaked hair and takes a deep breath staring at the dingy off-white grout between the blue-gray tiles of the shower, “fuck, Cas, I- loved you so much, I - love you so much. how didn’t I realize before.” He stops, shaking his head at the wall, at himself, “who am I kidding,” he scoffs, “I knew, I was just so mad about you choosing Kelly over us – over me, that I didn’t wanna know.” he lets his tears mix with the hot spray of the shower for a minute or so before he continues.
“You didn’t even know, I never got to tell you,” He tips his face up into the stream until if feels as if he’s about to drown. “I keep wondering if it would have even changed anything if you had known, would you have stayed on our side of it, maybe you really would of killed Kelly,” he frowns down at himself, he's as red as a lobster from how hot he has the water but it feels good. “I doubt that that’s not very you is it, still maybe you’d be here now and I wouldn’t be crying in the shower like some emo teen with daddy issues,” he closes his eyes again shacking his head. “that’s if you even felt the same I don’t even want to think about what might have happened if I told you, would you hate me? Regret raising me from hell? Run away for good? Just so you never had to see my face again?... whatever I don’t wanna think about that.”
Dean thinks he better get out of the shower anyway Sam will already be mad at how long he's been hogging it “I just- I miss you and I need you back so bad Cas.” he turns off the water, he hadn’t even actually washed himself but he's sure that after nearly 40 minutes under the hot water he's clean enough. he’ll take a quick cold shower tomorrow.
The next time he prays to Castiel is two days later, in a shitty motel bathrooms shower. Dean’s just about to turn the water off but thinks he’s probably got another minute before it goes cold. Sam had already been – he won the rock, paper, scissors match. so he closes his eyes and says “ hey Cas, I can’t talk long but I just wanted to say I found a note you wrote in my jeans pocket while we were hunting today.” He sighs. “When I saw your handwriting I almost broke down right there in front of Sam an’ the kid all it said was ‘got beer’ but fuck I – anyways I miss you … still,” then the water started to turn cold fast and he shut it off.
After that Dean didn’t get much time to even shower let alone talk to Castiel. They thought they had a way to get Mary back and everything was hectic for a long time.
Even then though, Dean found the time, one night after a particularly heavy drinking session in his room. It was the first time he’d even attempted to pray to Castiel outside of the shower away from the distraction of the hot spray of water and the loud sounds of the gurgling drain. It was late and it wasn’t like anybody would hear him if he spoke quietly, well hopefully Castiel but that was just a wish.
Dean’s speech slurred a bit as he says, “hey Cas, been a while, huh,” Dean’s not sure what he wants to say to Castiel so he just lets his brain wonder as he speaks.
“You know I really, I regret not letting you heal me more, I miss the minty-spicy feeling of it, you know.” He shivers as he remembers. “But It always made me feel weird too, to have a part of you inside me like that you- your grace just coursing through me,” he takes a long swig of the whiskey he's been nursing for the last 25 minutes. “When you’d heal me I always felt like I owed you something in return though too. it’s weird but I kinda always wanted you to tell me that i owed you for it.” he laughs. “yeah I just wanted to kiss you actually.” Dean blushes at that. he had never admitted that to himself, loving someone and wanting to kiss someone are different, you can just love platonically but, not so, deep-down Dean knew it was never a platonic kind of love.
Dean laughs again “god, I’m a moron, do you know how many times I thought about you whil-.” He stops himself if Castiel really is listening he doesn’t need to hear that even drunk Dean knows that. “How many times I thought about you and your stupid puppy dog head tilt and how I just want to kiss the dumb look off your face when you do it.” Dean runs his thumb over his bottom lip. “Too many.” He sighs. “How can a, what 4 thousand, older even, year old fuckin’ angel look so cute. I hated it you know, hated that I’d never felt that’s strong of an attraction to anyone before.” He takes another drink; it burns all the way down, and he can feel it settle in his stomach. “Never even felt that way about Lisa, hey, no, I did love her but I just- its so much more intense with you Cas, or I guess not with,” he huffs a dry laugh. “We never got that far cause I’m a cowered … with feelings.” ‘Emotionally constipated’ as Sam had put it once.
He sits there in silence for a bit just looking but not seeing. Then pours himself another large glass of whiskey he knows he’s going to regret in the early morning when he wakes up in a cold sweat to throw it back up.
Taking a sip that he has to physically keep down he starts again. “You know sometimes I wake up from a dead sleep thinking I heard you call my name, that shit hurts like I’ve been ran over by a semi, cause as soon as I’m awake enough to remember your not here it feels like it’s happened all over again, right Infront of me.” Tears start to prick at his eyes, he blinks them away.
“You know at times I wonder if you really can hear me an’ if you can, am I annoying you?” another drink. “Cause most of the time I’m annoying myself with how much I miss you- with how much I just want to see your face again or to have you say a dumb phrase wrong so I can correct you.” He sniffles his face is warm from the alcohol and the brimming tears. “Sometimes when Sammy says one I think of the way you probably would have got it wrong, how pathetic is that.” He huffs.
“You know what’s even more pathetic; I even miss our fights now, I miss telling you to ‘fuck off back to heaven’ even, but I also regret every single time I’ve said It too. its confusing.”
Dean trails off into his thoughts. Thinking about one ‘fight’ they’d had about the new coffee they had in the bunker; Castiel had said they needed the old one back because the one they had now tasted to molecule-y and Dean really liked the new coffee he bought so he told Castiel if he wanted coffee he would have to buy it himself, they both went off in a huff but still later that day Dean had gone to buy the usual coffee that Castiel liked and Castiel had smiled when he spotted it on the counter.
When Dean comes out of his long train of thought he speaks up again, “you know Cas, the kid really likes you even though he's never even met you. he said you’re his dad,” Dean feels that ache in his chest grow when he says that; he tries to wash it away with more whiskey. it doesn’t work. “I wish that was true but then again I don’t, cause I don’t even want to think ‘bout you and Kelly- yeah no.”
Dean drunk babbles to Castiel for a while longer before he looks at the clock on his nightstand; it says 4:23. He curses under his breath, “I better go to sleep, hey Cas if you can hear me, I love you and I wish I knew what it felt like to have you,” he grimaces, “not like that.” he cox his head maybe a little he thinks.
-
When the empty kicks Castiel from its realm Castiel spends a long time just standing there in the middle of nowhere listening to all Dean’s prayers flood into his head like he’d been leaving voice mails in his brain for however long he’d been gone. His whole face flushes red hot with the sweet things Dean had been saying to him; he didn’t know he could blush like that.
He also felt the pain in his words too.
When Sam and Dean pull up to that payphone where Castiel waited for them Castiel can’t even say a word he just stares at them, at Dean until he's told to get in the impala.
-
They don’t get any time along then, there are too many questions and he's meeting jack for the first time so when Castiel knocks on Dean’s door its past 12 at night but Dean’s awake. he can’t sleep.
“Dean, I er-,” he's stood in the doorway to Dean’s room.
“Hey Cas” Dean flushes, god he never thought he’d ever say that to his face again.
“I came to tell you that when I got back from the empty I-. I heard all your prayers Dean.”
Now Dean really is flushed; from head to toe if feels. “You- you heard e-everything I said?”
“Yes, Dean I, I had no idea you felt that way about me.”
How did Castiel seem so calm Dean was ready to burst from embarrassment or was it anticipation? “i- I’m sorry I never should have-,”
Castiel cuts him off, “Dean, you have no reason to apologize.”
“Dean, I feel as though I intruded on your private thoughts I should be the sorry one.”
“What?” Dean screws his face up. “You didn’t intrude on anything Cas, I was the one praying to you, I knew- I hoped you could hear me. you were meant to hear them.” ‘ in a way’ Dean thinks.
“Would you have said all of those things had I not been dead?”
That pit that Dean hadn’t noticed had vanished creeps back. “I- eventually?”
Castiel looks a little sad as he really enters Dean’s room instead of lurking in the doorway. “Dean you should know-,”
“Please don’t.” Dean says closing his eyes; he doesn’t want to look at Castiel as he rejects him.
“Dean let me finish,” Dean, still with his eyes shut, nods slowly. “Dean, I feel the same. Though I don’t think I had the word to express it until I heard all of your prayers.” Castiel creeps closer sitting on the edge of Dean’s bed.
Dean opens his eyes when he feels his mattress dip. For the first time tonight he's looking at Castiel, actually looking not just glancing towards him like he had been, and a flood of emotion rushes through him; he's not sure what most of them are but he knows one for sure the one that had been eating away at him; love.
Some part of him thinks Castiel feels the rush too because before either of them knows it they’re leaning in and suddenly their lips press against one another’s hesitantly, its soft and barely-there just their mouths brushing against each other.
They pull back just enough for Dean to see the look on Castiel’s face; all soft and warm. By the time they’re not even an inch apart their leaning back in but this time their kiss is more desperate. Still, it starts out with just deans slightly chapped lips pressing to Castiel’s soft ones – of course Cas’ lips are amazingly soft Dean thinks- they stay like that for a bit before Dean can’t take it anymore and he nudges at Castiel’s bottom lip with his tongue gently until Castiel yields and lets him in.
Deepening the kiss more Dean threads his fingers into Castiel’s hair, Castiel mimics him. Putting his hand in Dean’s hair and finally letting it rest at the back of his neck so he can pull Dean closer to him.
As Castiel’s thumb strokes the line of Dean’s jaw, Dean feels like he's dreaming- he’d had dreams just like this before – so he runs his hands down from Castiel's soft hair under his coat and around his waist. just to make absolutely sure that this is real Dean pulls Castiel impossibly closer until there flush together.
They spend far too long indulging in each other because by the time they come up for air it's well into to early morning and Dean suddenly feels the pull of sleep tugging at his eyes.
“I better sleep,” Dean whispers as they pull apart.
Castiel eyes him for a second. “May I stay?”
A bright feeling fills Dean’s chest as he smiles. “Yeah, of course.” Dean lays down and Castiel isn’t sure what to do and Dean sees it in his face. he huffs a laugh. “come ‘ere.” He says lifting the covers, inviting Castiel to lay Infront of him.
Castiel awkwardly climbs into the bed Infront of Dean and Dean wraps his arms as tight as he dares around Castiel.
“You know I don’t sleep Dean.”
“I know Cas just, I don’t know, enjoy this?”
Dean can practically feel Castiel smile. “I will.”
And he does.
Dean sleeps like that with Castiel in his arms until late morning and Castiel shifts in his arms. Dean asks “What time is it?” his morning voice is deep and low.
“Late, we should get out of bed and you should eat.”
When they make their way to the kitchen so that Dean can eat breakfast even though it's almost 12 in the afternoon. Sam gives them an odd look.
“What Sammy?” Dean squints at him, he's still tired.
“Nothing.” He says too quickly and it looks like he might say something else under his breath but Dean doesn’t care and he's sure Castiel herd so if he wants to know he’ll ask later but for now, bacon and lots of coffee.