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The first letter is a fluke.
Gon calls Leorio one night at his usual time, just after dinner, to tell him all about the things he’s learning on Whale Island. It’s nice. Leorio’s missed the kid, missed all of his friends. Kurapika is still MIA, and Killua writes letters occasionally from his various destinations, but it’s just not the same.
So a call from Gon is all well and good until he mentions Ging. Something about figuring out how to get nen back, talking to Ging about it. Leorio doesn’t give a shit.
What right does Ging have to try and get Gon’s nen back? Where was that interest before Gon nearly died? Why is Gon willing to talk to the bastard?!
He almost storms right up to the Hunter Association and tries to hit the guy again, but last time he did that, he had to endure a whole election.
So first, he settles for pacing a track on his bedroom floor. Then he searches up Ging Freecss (a blight on his search history, really) and calls the number listed for his office.
No answer. The voicemail box isn’t even set up. Leorio throws his phone at the wall, then scrambles to make sure it isn’t broken. He breaks way too many. He probably can’t afford another.
Then Leorio Paladiknight has a revelation. Ging is one of those important hunters, right? A Zodiac, or whatever? He probably has to read whatever mail comes to his office!
Genius.
It’s dark out by the time he sits down to write, and he has no reason to make it anything other than short and sweet.
Dear Freecshow,
I’m a big fan of yours- NOT! That doctor (I’ll clarify, since you probably get punched a lot: the handsome one from the election) had the right idea hitting you. Talk to your son about something other than nen, bastard.
Very Sincerely,
Someone Better Than You
Addressing it to Ging’s Association office and sending it off is cathartic.
Then he waits a week, and no one responds. He doesn’t even get a warning about harassing Zodiacs.
And it pisses him off even more. Does the asshole just care about nothing? What’s his deal?
Hey, dickhead,
Do you have a superiority complex, or can you just not read? Answer me, and be a better dad to Gon!
From,
Someone who is STILL BETTER THAN YOU.
Another week, and he’s starting to wonder if Ging is even alive. He really hopes not. He figures it wouldn’t hurt to send a letter and confirm.
According to Gon, Ging is still answering his calls. He can answer his phone for Gon, who he’s evaded for years, but not Leorio’s letters? Bullshit!
To whom this may concern- which is YOU, ASSHOLE,
Respond to my letters, or I’m spreading it around that you died. No one likes you, so they’ll want to believe me!
>:(
And of course, this is when he gets a response. Just his damn luck.
Ging’s penmanship is obnoxious. It’s just cursive enough to be hard to read, and a few of the i’s are dotted with hearts.
Leorio really would not have expected that from the smelly bastard.
Dear Leorio,
I’m very much alive, but thank you for the concern! We’re always very busy here at the Association, but it’s an honor to hear from valued constituents like yourself. If you have any more concerns to direct to this mailbox, I’ll go ahead and add them to the suggestions pool!
We wouldn’t be the organization we are without hunters like you. Keep it up!
He doesn’t even sign the letter. Leorio crumples it up and throws it in the trash.
Then he scrambles to pull it out and rereads it- how did Ging get his name? He hasn’t been signing these! He talked about himself like he was a different person in the first letter! Is the creep stalking him??
He recycles the letter for real after that, and his response is hasty.
What the hell? How do you know my name?
Also, you can shove your suggestions pool!
-Leorio
By the time another week has passed, Leorio has come to terms with not getting a response. He really does not want to be in correspondence with Ging, anyway. Good riddance to that.
The letters are the furthest thing from his mind when he’s picking up his mail that afternoon, but underneath his water bill sits what he has been dreading.
A letter from the office of one Ging Freecss.
The envelope is pink. Leorio wants to burn it.
Dear Leorio,
Hello again! Were the letters supposed to be anonymous? You must be aware that you wrote your name in the return address, yes?
Regardless, the suggestions pool is an important part of Association management, and we will not be shoving it anywhere. If that’s all, I wish you the best! Goodbye!
All that formality and he still doesn’t bother to sign it. Leorio hates him, hates that political indifference, hates how smugly he pointed out Leorio’s mistake with the return address.
Ging Freecss is the worst person Leorio has met. How he got to be a two-star hunter, how he got to be a Zodiac, is totally confusing.
Okay, fine, this is Leorio. Still not sorry for punching you! You deserved it, and you deserve more where that came from!
Also, that is absolutely NOT all! You still need to apologize for literally everything you have ever done, scumbag!
-Leorio
He figures that’ll be the end of that. No way Ging responds with an apology- the guy is obviously way too full of himself. He thinks he’s some bigshot, running around without his son. He’d never own up to it.
That’s why the next letter is unexpected. It’s also even more ostentatious than the last. The envelope isn’t pink this time, it’s a pastel yellow and scented with some kind of perfume. Floral. Awful.
Dear Leorio,
Everything I’ve ever done? Isn’t that a bit much? Most of the things I do are pretty benign!
Unfortunately, this is an official Association mailbox. Unless you have constructive criticism or a formal request, it would be ideal to find a personal address to send these to.
If you can, of course. Ging is notoriously elusive, even for a hunter.
Thank you for your persistence on this subject! All hunters should foster this sort of passion!
Ging refers to himself in the third person. Of course he does. Leorio would expect no less from him.
He should take that advice and stop sending letters. He would, if he weren’t so angry. Who is this guy to make remarks about his “passion”? He’s allowed to be pissed, dammit!
I don’t like you, and I won’t stop sending letters to your office. You know what you need to apologize for, but you won’t because you’re awful!
Here’s a formal request, since you made such a point of insisting on it.
YOU SHOULD BE FIRED
ADD THAT TO YOUR SUGGESTION POOL.
Two months and change after the first letter, Ging’s mailbox has become the place Leorio takes out his anger on just about everything. Have a bad day at residency? Write to Ging. Need an excuse to go to the gym and hit a punching bag until his arms hurt? Read Ging’s response. Nen practice getting frustrating? Write a response to that response.
And so it continues.
Leorio learns some things about Ging. He sends his letters in a pattern of envelope colors (white, pink, yellow, blue, violet, repeat), and a variety of scents. The longer the letter is, the more flourishy the cursive is. He’s exaggeratedly enthusiastic about literally everything, and he likes to waste time picking at Leorio’s semantics whenever he can.
It’s horrible. Horrible, but better than the indifference Leorio expected. He’d still rather not talk to Ging anymore, but since he can’t bring himself to control his temper and stop writing, it’ll have to fall to Ging to do it.
And Ging is not stopping. Leorio has the evidence of that on his counter- blue envelope, rosy scent.
Dear Leorio,
Not to cut off our last conversation, but it’s been two months since I received your the first letter. This is getting concerning, really! Do you not have anyone else to speak or write to?
You know I love our little talks, but this office gets a lot of hatemailers, and none of them stick around like you have. Should I be worried?
:)
Should Ging be worried? The question is dumb. Ging obviously isn’t worried for anyone or anything, ever.
Besides, Leorio has plenty of people to talk to! Gon calls twice or thrice a week, and Killua writes sporadically. He can text Kurapika, even if he never gets a response. His boss asks him “how are you?” most mornings. He makes small talk with coworkers.
He’s not lonely, and he’s only talking to Ging because Ging hasn’t stopped talking to him! Stupid question, really!
Dear Asshole,
Two months isn’t that long, and it’s weird that you’re keeping track! I talk to a lot of people, and I hate talking to you!
Those other hatemailers should start getting more consistent, because you deserve all the hate possible! I won’t stop writing to you until you stop talking to me, or you admit to being a DOUCHE.
It’s gotten to the point where Leorio feels a flare of spite whenever he sees a colorful envelope in his mail. Well, a flare of something. It has to be spite, because that’s the only emotion Ging should inspire in him.
This envelope is pale purple, in keeping with the pattern. It doesn’t smell like anything this time. Leorio probably looks crazy, smelling his mail in the hall. He lets himself inside before his neighbors can comment.
Dear Leorio,
If you say so! I was just concerned, no need for the defensiveness :(
Maybe you’re the douche here, harassing me. For all you know, I’m not even Ging! You could be hate mailing some poor intern of his!
The blinding anger of the first few letters is gone, but he’s still pissed as he writes an answering note.
You’re too pretentious to be an intern, asshole.
These messages would work better as texts or emails at this point, but Leorio would rather die than ask Ging for his number.
And anyway, if there’s any mercy in the world, Ging should stop responding soon.
And sure enough, after a total of four months of the worst correspondence in the world, the replies slow… and stop.
Leorio hasn’t gotten a response in two weeks.
He gets a beer to celebrate, sits down on the couch, and does absolutely nothing. Gon hasn’t called tonight. Killua’s having fun with his sister on another continent. Kurapika… well, Kurapika and Ging have something in common. Neither of them seem to like sticking around.
Leorio Paladiknight is not lonely.
Not at all.
He drinks his beer and watches a movie marathon and thinks about all of the friends he has, and how glad he is that his enemy Ging has stopped writing him letters that he hates.
Incredibly glad.
Totally ecstatic.
So ecstatic that he falls asleep and spills his drink all over his dress shirt.
It’s been a great night.
Leorio is agitated enough by the end of the week to bring it up when Gon calls. Agitated because Ging is being such a coward. No other reasons.
“Hey, has Ging said anything about me? I’ve been sending the bastard some pretty angry letters lately.”
Smooth, Leorio.
Gon tells him that no, Ging is really only interested in his nen, the asshole. Then Gon says he’ll ask Ging next time they talk.
Leorio doesn’t like that Gon's so sure about another phone call with Ging. Ging might be capable of sometimes-funny jokes in letter form, but he’s also a horrible person and an even worse father!
Leorio's glad he doesn’t get letters anymore. This has sealed the deal!
He wasn't actually glad about it, and the thrill of dumb stupid excitement he feels when he’s holding the next letter confirms that.
Shit.
This envelope is white. He didn’t know what it was until he saw “Office of Ging Freecss” printed on the front. This breaks the color pattern, but Leorio can’t quite bring himself to care.
Dear Leorio,
Wow, has it been a month? We really are busy here on my end! Still cleaning up that East Gorteau mess, you know how it is. Well, you don’t, but you’re probably smart enough to guess!
Well, whenever you get this, congratulations! Your formal suggestion that “YOU SHOULD BE FIRED” has officially been processed! I’ll write you with Ging’s firing status in 4-8 business weeks!
Have a great morning/evening/night!
The reference to himself in third person again. That was one quality of Ging's writing that Leorio did not miss.
Not that he missed anything about Ging's writing.
He decides that he needs to act casual. It wouldn’t be very manly to write back immediately and give Bastard Ging the impression that he was eager to keep talking, after all!
Leorio makes it five hours, then starts writing at ass o’clock in the morning.
Hey asshat,
I didn’t ask you to keep writing letters, you know. You didn’t have to tell me that! THAT OBVIOUSLY WASN’T A SERIOUS SUGGESTION, AND I MADE IT FOUR MONTHS AGO, IDIOT!
He starts to write “don’t send me any more fucking letters!”
He crosses it out and seals up the envelope before he can second-guess anything.
Does he like Ging? Does he think he could be friends with Ging if he met the guy again?
The letters are annoying and smarmy and sleazy, but they’re also one of the only relationships Leorio can count on right now. He feels sick when he imagines being Ging’s friend, but he also feels sick when he imagines never hearing from the guy again.
Leorio is betraying Gon, getting all friendly with his deadbeat dad.
He should have told Ging to stop sending him letters.
Gon calls him back six days after he asked about Ging on the phone. They make small talk about Mito and her apparently stupid and tyrannical rules, and Leorio is hopeful that the subject of Ging won’t be broached.
“So, I asked Ging about the letters.” Hope crushed.
Leorio chokes on his drink for a second, then clears his throat. “Uh- yeah, okay. What’d he say?”
“He said that he has no idea what you’re talking about. He hasn’t gotten any letters.”
Leorio seethes. Of course the asshole would lie. “Yeah, right! He sent me a letter this week, pretentious perfume and cursive and all!”
There’s a pause on the other end. “Perfume? Cursive?”
“Right, I didn’t tell you. All of his letters are so prissy-”
“No, he has really messy handwriting. He wrote me a letter a while back, when he was out of cell service and I was still trying to figure out whether I have an aura anymore. It was all crumpled and dirty, too.”
Leorio says goodbye and hangs up the phone before Gon can ask any prying questions.
God-fucking-dammit. Has he been writing to some copycat? Was this really an intern the whole time? It makes sense, honestly. Too much sense. If Ging’s on the move, he can’t read letters sent to his office. And of course the guy doesn’t have fancy handwriting, Leorio should have trusted his damn instincts!
He needs a drink.
Leorio Paladiknight is certainly not drunk. That would be ridiculous. He is just….. buzzed.
He’s also definitely not surrounded by crumpled letter drafts. Nooope.
Who are you?
Is this some kind of scam?
You’re even more of a bastard than I thought, liar.
I almost thought we could be acquaintances. Nice try, asshole.
He falls asleep on a pillow of crumpled paper.
Leorio has work in the morning, and it doesn’t help that he wakes up with a raging hangover.
Needless to say, he’s feeling spiteful by the time he gets home. His old routine of writing out the anger in a letter to Ging whoever the fuck he’s been talking to is starting to sound real good again.
Okay, bastard,
I’ll get right to the point. I know you’re not Ging. Congrats on being a horrible enough person that I thought you were!
NEVER WRITE TO ME AGAIN
And he mails the letter and forgets about the whole thing.
He tries to, at least. Thoughts of whether fake-Ging will ignore his warning and write back follow him to his fridge, to his couch, and eventually to bed.
He texts Kurapika, and Kurapika doesn’t respond, as usual. What the hell are you doing? Are you even alive?
Leorio could use a friend right now.
He was sort of expecting a response, because if he’s learned anything about not-Ging, it’s that he likes to push whatever buttons he finds.
It’s still a mild surprise when a perfumy green letter ends up in his mail pile four days later. That’s a new color. He hates it. That old anger crawls back in. He wants to burn it, watch the nausea-green paper curl in on itself, and maybe even flip it off.
Instead, he reads it.
Dear Leorio,
It took you this long to notice? I never said I was Ging, you know. I even told you I could be an intern!
Your reading comprehension is really abysmal- have you gotten your head checked recently? Any early-onset Alzheimers diagnoses in the last 90 days?
I’m happy to stop writing to you if you prefer. You’re the boss!
This has been fun, though. Thanks for the letters, they were pretty amusing!
Leorio only means to write back to tell the guy to shove it. He was very serious about not wanting to hear from him again, goddamnit!
Dear “Ging”,
Who the hell are you, anyway? Assuming you’re not too much of a coward to tell me.
Also, WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU GET GING’S MAIL?
Don’t call me AMUSING, BASTARD.
One last response, hopefully some answers, and then he’ll tell the fake to shove it.
Just one. Yeah. Great plan.
The final letter from not-Ging comes in a pink envelope. It’s scented. This is familiar, even if the sight of it pisses Leorio the hell off.
He puts off opening it until it starts to get dark out. He’s not sure he wants to know what’s inside. Not sure he wants to know who’s been screwing with him for the last six months.
At the very least, once he knows, he can track them down and give them a piece of his mind. Maybe do what he did to Ging- he’s been getting better at controlling his hatsu, after all.
It’s with that in mind- the satisfying mental image of smashing not-Ging in the face with a knuckle sandwich- that he tears open the letter.
Dear Leorio,
I see no reason not to tell you! I had Ging’s mail redirected to my office years ago, and he’s gone so much that he never even noticed. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t read any of the mail that comes here. He gets a surprising amount of hate mail for such a renowned hunter, but you’re by far the most consistent!
Your suggestion to fire him has been reviewed, by the way. Cheadle would love to, we all would. Unfortunately, she thinks it would be ‘spitting in the face of Netero’s memory’ to fire a Zodiac because a random civilian said to. What a shame.
This has been a very interesting exchange! Thank you for your input, and feel free to send any more Ging-related complaints here. Otherwise, farewell!
Sincerely,
Pariston Hill
Leorio just stares at it for a bit. Pariston Hill. The guy he was up against in the election, the smarmy one who started to waste time as soon as things looked bad for him. With the tacky white suit and the even tackier white smile.
No wonder his letters came across so Ging-ishly douchey. He and Ging seem like kindred goddamn spirits.
Well, at least he can stop panicking about betraying Gon by feeling not-totally-negatively about Ging. It's Pariston fucking Hill that he feels not-negatively about. Ging can suck it, that bastard.
Leorio goes to pick up the envelope and throw it in the trash, and something falls out.
It’s a business card, pale pink and a bit glittery. The side that fell face-up has that familiarly infuriating cursive scrawl across it-
Call me sometime, if you were serious about no more letters :)
Leorio burns the business card.
Only after putting the number on the front of the card into his phone. Just in case. He watches the embers crumble from his hand, and shakes them off his balcony before going to get a damn beer.
And sure enough, that’s the last letter either of them send.