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“Where should we put all my video game stuff?” Kenma asks, large box in his arms.
“It’s not all going to fit in your room, is it?”
Kenma frowns. “Probably not.”
“How about we put all the games in the living room and bring the systems to your room?”
Kenma nods. He places the box next to the coffee table and sits down on the sofa. “I’m tired. Can I sit here while you do the rest of the stuff?”
“Come on! There aren’t too many left down there.” Kuroo is carrying enough boxes stacked on top of each other that Kenma can’t see his face.
Kenma gets up and takes the top one before it falls. “Maybe pick up less boxes next time.”
“That’s loser talk.”
“Here’s more loser talk. My arms and legs are tired.” He makes a suitably grumpy face. “I’m so overworked I probably have a fever.”
“That hasn’t happened in years. You can’t keep using it as an excuse.”
“Do you have a thermometer? I think I should check.”
Kenma can always tell when Kuroo’s about to give in. Kenma smiles pre-emptively and Kuroo sighs. “Fine. Start unpacking here.” Kuroo stops himself. “Or actually, go get us some food and coffee. There’s a place like 10 minutes from here that has cheap coffee and serviceable apple pie.”
Kenma pulls out his phone to find directions. “What’s it called?”
“The Friendly Bean.”
Kenma looks up unimpressed. “Google says it’s 15 minutes away.”
“It’s 10 if you walk fast – go, go.” Kuroo shoos him away.
Kenma groans but leaves the apartment. Kuroo’ll probably be done by the time Kenma’s back, so he guesses he still wins out. Despite all his complaining he’s very happy today. Out of high school, Kenma had gotten an apartment, thinking he’d prefer to live alone. Turns out living alone was, well, lonely. When Kuroo said his roommate was moving out this year, it seemed like the perfect opportunity. Living with Kuroo was going to be a familiar, comforting experience. Something reliable and steady.
If only Kenma could settle the way his heart raced and kicked against his chest when Kuroo was around.
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“Kuroo!” A man sitting in The Friendly Bean calls Kuroo over as Kenma and he enter the shop. “I got you a pamphlet from that conference I was telling you about.”
Kuroo smiles at him taking the offered material. “Thanks, Honda.”
“Any time!” he replies. “If you, uh, have any questions, feel free to call me. I put my number on the inside.”
“Cool.” Kuroo waves as he walks away. “Happy studying!”
It’s a few weeks later as they grab a table at The Friendly Bean. Kenma orders a slice of pie. Kuroo was right; it is serviceable. That’s about as complimentary as you can get about it.
“It is unjust and borderline cruel to have 3 midterms in the span 24 hours.” Kuroo’s voice is a bit too loud for the indoor space, though Kenma feels like the students around them can appreciate Kuroo’s sentiment. Kuroo slams a textbook closed, forcefully dropping his forehead to the cover. “When was the last time we had fun, Kenma?”
Kenma pats him on the head. “April, maybe?”
“Weeks ago!” He jolts upright. “Torture!”
“Oh, how will you survive,” Kenma deadpans.
“Just because you can have fun gaming alone in your room… Some fun requires other happily willing participants.” Kuroo slouches, his face pulled into the biggest pout Kenma has ever seen there.
It makes Kenma laugh. “You’re this cranky because you’re horny?” Kuroo’s cheeks turn a pretty pink colour. Kenma is not at all charmed.
Kuroo throws a crumpled-up napkin at Kenma. “It’s not like I can just hook up with random people.”
“You could. Honda over there would be willing.” Kenma looks at Kuroo, long legs spilling out in front of him, the width of his shoulders pulling against the fabric of his shirt, the cut of his jaw and the look in his eyes that always seems to promise something you shouldn’t want but do. Kuroo could easily find someone to sleep with. Kenma wonders if Kuroo has any inkling of how others see him. Idiot.
“What? No. And anyway, I don’t like to.” Kuroo sulks. Ah yes, the other bit of the problem. Kuroo is so outstandingly clingy with his affections. He wonders if others are surprised that Kuroo doesn’t enjoy one-night stands. For Kenma, the friend Kuroo has kept and dragged along with him since they were boys, it’s exactly to type.
“I know.”
Kuroo loudly sighs. “After midterms I can find my future husband or wife, and then I’ll be set.” He opens his textbooks back up and keeps working.
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Kenma vibrates with the idea beginning to form in his mind. It’ll be easy, the best of all possible situations. Kuroo wants to hold someone, kiss someone, be with someone, and that person can be Kenma. A weight deep in Kenma’s chest lifts. When you spend so many years wondering if you’ll ever have a chance to touch someone, to let someone touch you, it’s easy to write off, to be pre-emptively lonely. His toes clench and relax in his socks. He gets up to find Kuroo, his heart pounding as he runs toward the cliff.
“Can I bother you for a second?” Kenma doesn’t wait by the door - he walks right in, taking a seat on the bed.
“Sure, what’s up?” Kuroo says as he finishes writing something down, before swiveling his chair toward Kenma.
Kenma supposes he should play this logically. The less he lets feelings bleed into it the easier it will probably be to convince Kuroo. Cool, detached, casual. Just a favour for a friend, easy stuff. “I think we should have sex. As friends.”
Kuroo makes a noise that sounds approximately like the word “What?”
“It would solve your problem,” Kenma explains simply, “and it’s not like I would mind. I like sex too.”
“There’s a big giant huge chasm between wanting sex and wanting sex with me.”
“You could just say no, Kuro. You don’t have to make it weird.”
“You’re making it weird!”
“I’m not,” Kenma huffs. “I found a solution to something you were complaining about. You don’t like having sex with people you don’t know or don’t care about. Well, you know me.”
“Why?” Kuroo has settled a bit. It doesn’t seem like he’s against it, just confused.
Kenma shrugs one shoulder up. “I said – I wouldn’t mind it. It’s easier for me too. I’m not great with new people, so we both get a convenient set up.”
Kuroo quietly studies Kenma until he makes a decision. The sound of Kuroo’s desk chair rolling across the ground makes Kenma freeze. He sees the Adam’s apple in Kuroo’s throat bob up and down. “Tell me to stop,” Kuroo says quietly. Kuroo’s hand reaches out and cradles Kenma’s jaw. Kenma’s heart is beating faster than he can remember - is this normal for just a kiss? Kuroo pulls him forward and then they’re sharing their first kiss. It’s just a small movement of lips against lips, but Kenma feels it shiver down his spine.
Kenma pulls away. “Well?”
Kuroo’s hand is still on Kenma’s jaw. Kenma wants more, wants another now. He leans forward, and Kuroo is there meeting him half-way. He lets his hands fall to Kuroo’s thighs in front of him. The second kiss is more. He keeps his eyes closed when Kuroo moves away this time. Kuroo’s voice sounds too loud in the space, but maybe he’s just closer than he usually is to his friend. “Is that what you wanted?”
Kenma opens his eyes; he nods. “For now.” He stands up and moves toward the door. He doesn’t turn around, lets his heart beat in his eardrums as he flees from the room.
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“Did you think this would become ‘our spot’ the first time we came in here?” Kuroo asks one day while they’re sitting inside The Friendly Bean. It’s raining outside and they both have projects to work on.
“Its location makes the most sense.”
“Half-way between campus and our apartment, I know.”
“More people trying to get me to care about their start ups than I would like.”
“That reminds me – Nakamura wants us to come to his art installation sometime.”
Kenma makes a face. “Is he the one who really likes moss?”
“I think it’s all types of bryophytes, actually.”
“You have to stop listening when people talk to you.”
The pretty brunette who takes their orders most days comes over with a plate of cookies. “We’re going to toss these for a new batch. Free of charge if you want any of them.”
Kenma smiles at her. “Thanks.” She sets the plate in front of him. She’d figured out early that of the two of them, Kenma was the one with the sweet tooth. She smiles at them both and heads back to the counter.
Kuroo eyes her before leaning over conspiratorially. “She likes you.”
“Kuro, she does not.”
“She does!” He pokes Kenma in the side, causing Kenma to arch aggressively away. “You’re going to break her heart someday.”
Kenma huffs. “That’s more your thing, isn’t it?”
Kuroo looks absolutely offended. “Kozume Kenma, that is rude.” He crosses his arms across his chest. “I am the picture of a chivalrous young man.” Kenma rolls his eyes. Kuroo thinks his flirting is harmless. Kuroo thinks his flirting is playful. Kuroo doesn’t realise he leaves strings of people trailing after him wherever he goes. Kenma knows though – he’s at the front of the line. Kuroo’s eyes look down at his work. “Besides, aren’t I the one who always gets dumped?”
Kenma guesses that’s true too. He thinks back on it and can’t come up with one example of Kuroo being the one to break up with someone. Kenma wants to comfort him, but can’t think of anything better than shut up, idiot, date me, so he doesn’t comment on it. He pushes his chair out. “Want a refill?”
Kuroo hands over his empty mug. “Sure.”
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Kenma doesn’t wait long before he approaches Kuroo again. They’re on their sofa after a long day of classes. Kenma lies on his back across the length of the sofa, his feet stopping just before Kuroo’s seat. Kuroo is flicking between TV channels while Kenma plays on his handheld.
Kenma curls and uncurls his toes a few times. He feels it again, the thunder of his heartbeat, the tingle in his stomach. He pokes his toe into Kuroo’s thigh. “Can I kiss you again?”
Kuroo’s attention is still on the screen. “Hmm?”
Kenma sits up, moving himself close to Kuroo. “Right now, can I kiss you?”
Kuroo turns to him and without speaking, nods his head. Kenma smiles at him before throwing his leg across Kuroo’s lap, straddling him. Kuroo lets out a small sound of surprise. “Oh, okay.”
“Is this alright?” Kenma doesn’t want to push him into anything he doesn’t want.
Kuroo nods, settling his hands on either side of Kenma’s hips. Kenma’s fingers lightly grip the fabric of Kuroo’s shirt. He leans forward and kisses Kuroo with more force, more conviction than last time. He wants Kuroo to fall into him. He wants Kuroo to pull him down and take more. Kenma’s tongue runs along the crease of Kuroo’s mouth and Kuroo opens for him.
Kenma gets it. He gets why classmates whisper about it, why musicians sing songs about it. Kuroo’s mouth is hot and wet against Kenma’s tongue. It feels good. His hands pull on the shirt in his grip; a small noise of appreciation makes its way from the back of his throat.
They break apart, and for a heartbreaking moment Kenma thinks Kuroo will pull back, push him off. His chest heaves and Kuroo is leaning back in, his tongue exploring Kenma, along his bottom lip, into his mouth.
Kenma loses track of how many times they come together and break apart. His hands have moved below Kuroo’s shirt, stroking against the plane of Kuroo’s chest. One of Kuroo’s hands is anchored to Kenma’s back, holding him close. The other has come up to his hair, a handful of strands between his fingers.
Kenma could stay like this all night, exchanging touches with Kuroo. Does Kuroo get it now? That Kenma wants more with him? Wants everything? He pushes his hips forward. Kuroo groans, pushing away.
His breathing is laboured. “Kenma, wait.” Kenma stills but keeps his hands on Kuroo’s skin, his shirt pushed up. His eyes dart around Kuroo’s face, trying to stay focused on his eyes, but being distracted by how bitten and red Kuroo’s lips are. Kuroo’s fingers flex against his sides. “What are we doing?”
Kenma tries to move himself forward, but feels the strength of Kuroo’s hands holding him in place. He makes the mistake of imagining them holding him down in other ways. He wants to whine at the thought. How dare Kuroo be this attractive and this obtuse! Aren’t guys supposed to want to fuck all the time? Aren’t they supposed to fuck first, think later? Why does Kuroo have to think at all?
Kuroo sighs. “And now you’re mad.”
“I’m not mad.”
He reaches a finger to press on the wrinkle between Kenma’s eyes. “Your face only does that when you’re mad.”
Kuroo knows him too well. It’s annoying. Cool, detached, casual. “Do you want to have sex with me or not?” He asks it in one breath. Kuroo’s eyebrows draw down.
“Do you want to have sex with me?”
Kenma wants to stomp. “I already said I do.”
“No, you said you wouldn’t mind. Very different sentiment.”
“Okay, now I’ve said it.” He feels petulant.
Kuroo moves Kenma off his lap. “Sorry – I just – it’s hard to think with you sitting there.” He doesn’t make eye contact and Kenma thinks it’s a good sign. Kuroo’s head falls back against the couch. “Is it absolutely ridiculous that I don’t think this is a bad idea?”
Kenma smiles. “Not ridiculous.”
“I don’t want to screw up. I haven’t even – ” he lowers his voice. “Slept with that many guys.” Kenma wants to laugh – that he’s so shy, so cute about this, even though they’re all alone in their apartment.
“But you have, though?” Kenma hasn’t ever asked directly, though he’s always suspected. “You’ve had sex with men?”
Kuroo’s tongue darts out to wet his lips. “I have, yeah.”
Kenma keeps his face neutral. He does his best not to guess when it happened. Was it in Kuroo’s first year? When Kenma was still at Nekoma and missing him so much? Was it this year? A weekend Kenma stayed late in the computer lab working on an assignment? Was it someone Kenma knew? He has to consciously will himself to stop thinking. He blinks up at Kuroo. “I trust you. I know you’ll take care of me.”
Kuroo softens at that. Kuroo likes taking care of Kenma. He likes keeping an extra hoodie in his bag in case Kenma gets cold. He likes walking with his hand at the small of Kenma’s back in case Kenma is distracted by his handheld while walking. He likes waking Kenma up in the morning before classes, likes walking him home from computer lab at the end of the day, likes peeling his fruit while they watch TV.
It has never been a secret that Kuroo Tetsuro takes extra care of Kozume Kenma. Kenma is just playing with the limits of that now. Pushing the boundaries and blurring the edges of what that means.
Kuroo has one arm thrown across his forehead, covering his eyes. His other hand feels its way blindly until it reaches Kenma’s. “Okay.”
Kenma lets the palm of his hand line up with Kuroo’s. “Besides.” He smirks and pulls on Kuroo’s hand. “It’s not like I’m asking you to fuck me on the sofa right now.”
Kuroo darts up. “Kenma!” He might be redder than Kenma’s ever seen him. “You can’t just say things like that!”
Kenma’s head cocks to the side. “Why not? If we’re going to be having sex, we should be able to talk about sex.” His words are full of sarcasm. “I hear communication is important.”
Kuroo’s face transforms into something that makes the base of Kenma’s spine tingle. He huffs a small laugh. “That’s true.” He rubs a hand along his jaw. Kenma can hear the small sounds of scruff dragging across his palm. He wonders how it would feel against his thighs. Kuroo looks at Kenma like it’s a challenge. “Does this mean I should tell you I really like it when my hair gets pulled while I’m giving head?”
Kenma thinks he may have miscalculated – just really misjudged his entire life up until this point. “Noted.” Kenma chokes out the word.
Kuroo laughs. “It is important to talk though. That’s the only way this will work. So, tell me if something’s too much or you don’t like it or you want to stop or – or anything.”
Kenma nods. “You too. I want to take care of you too. So, keep talking to me.” He feels his cheeks redden. It feels like the closest to a confession that he’s ever gotten.
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They take the seats in The Friendly Bean by the fireplace on the side of the room. It’s not their usual spot, but today they don’t have any outstanding coursework.
“Ahhh.” Kuroo happily groans as he rolls around in the big arm chair he’s chosen. “Squashy.”
Kenma smiles at him settling into the sofa next to him. “You’re like a cat.”
“You know, I’ve heard that before.” They both smile despite the fact that the joke is very much played out. It’s one of those things, those I’ve know you so long that there’s comfort in repetition things. Kenma takes a drink, the whipped cream on the top touching his nose. Kuroo reaches over and swipes at it with his sleeve. “I really can’t take you anywhere.”
“It’s why I stay at home so much.”
“Speaking of.” Kuroo looks entirely too excited. “Daichi and the lovely Sugawara are coming for a visit this weekend. They wanted to celebrate the end of midterms.”
“Are they staying at our place?”
Kuroo shakes his head. “Hotel.” He moves his shoulders, shimmying in a way that is not at all cute. Kenma is too fond. “A looove hotel.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“Any hotel is a love hotel if you have sex in it.”
“You’re a special kind of idiot, Kuro.”
“Would an idiot get the JVA internship?”
“You did?”
Kuroo smiles. “Yep.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” He places a hand on Kenma’s thigh, his thumb moving in small and distracting circles against the fabric there. He leans forward like he’s about to tell a secret. “You know how you can congratulate me?” Kenma feels his mouth go dry at the image of Kuroo’s lopsided smile. “Come out with us this weekend.”
Kenma’s face feels too warm. He nods, pulling out his phone to distract himself from the expectations outlining themselves in his mind.
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They make their way to a booth at the back of the club. Daichi and Kuroo curl to the back of the bench with Sugawara and Kenma at their sides. They settle in for a couple beers until Sugawara springs up.
“I’m going to grab some shots and then hit the dance floor,” Sugawara announces to the table. He gives Daichi a kiss on the cheek. “See you in a few drinks, yes?”
Daichi takes a long pull from his glass. “Unfortunately yes.” He grumbles about it, but Kenma is sure he enjoys it. It’s the same thing every time they go out. Sugawara goes to the dance floor and picks someone suitable to annoy Daichi with. Eventually, Daichi will have enough to drink that he either doesn’t care what he looks like dancing, or can’t put up with Sugawara flirting with others in front of him anymore. He spends the rest of the night making out with Sugawara on the dance floor.
Usually, Kenma stays sitting at the booth. Usually, he nurses 2 or 3 drinks over the course of the night while the others outpace him by far. Tonight, he stands with Sugawara. Sugawara heads to the bar and Kenma follows him. He fights the instinct to look back and see if Kuroo is watching him. “Oh, Kenma!” Sugawara jumps slightly when Kenma squeezes next to him at the bar.
“Can I dance with you?” Kenma asks. He hopes Sugawara doesn’t ask anything, doesn’t read into anything. Kenma’s hair is pulled back from his face, his clothing hangs tighter on him than it has in months. He usually avoids these things, preferring to blend in. Now he desperately wants the attention. Well, at least the attention of one.
Sugawara beams at him. “Sure!” He orders two shots and places one in front of Kenma. “Cheers!” He drinks and then slaps the bar top and shouts, “Another please!” Kenma takes the offered drinks, body shivering slightly as the alcohol enters his system.
When Sugawara’s ready, he grabs Kenma’s hand and drags him into the throng of people. Kenma’s heart feels like it’s pounding through his chest. On most nights he would be locating exits, checking the time and calculating how much longer before he can leave. Right now, all he can think about is Kuroo. It settles him in a way little else does. Sugawara places his hands on Kenma’s hips. He leans down and whispers, “I’ve gotten really good at picking spots where they can still see me.” Kenma’s cheeks heat. He wants Kuroo to see him, he wants Kuroo to watch him. Sugawara turns him around. “Just follow me. It’s a lot easier than volleyball.”
Kenma nods. He feels Sugawara move against him and does his best to copy the feeling. He closes his eyes instead of searching for Kuroo. With the lights on his eyelids and the bass loud through his bones, it’s easier for Kenma to enjoy dancing with Sugawara than he thought. The songs continue to change and he starts to smile. He turns back toward Sugawara, placing his hand on Sugawara’s neck, pulling him down to speak into his ear. “Is it working?”
“Look,” Sugawara tells him simply. Kenma keeps his arm where it is and looks over it toward their booth. There are a few people moving in and out of the view between the table and where Kenma and Sugawara are dancing. Kuroo’s eyes are stuck on them. Kenma watches Kuroo track along his form. Sugawara giggles. “I don’t think they’ll make it one more drink tonight.”
Come here. Come here and touch me, Kenma thinks loudly at Kuroo.
It doesn’t take much longer before Daichi is tapping Kenma on the shoulder and asking to step in. Kenma looks behind him, and there’s Kuroo looking hungry. Kenma wants him. He reaches up on the tips of his toes to tell Kuroo, “Someone’s going to take our booth.”
Kuro’s lips graze his ear when he responds, “Don’t care.” Damn Kuroo. Damn him. Kenma feels his face heat. He reaches up and plays with the hair at the nape of Kuroo’s neck, before pulling him down and kissing him soundly. Kuroo’s hands grip Kenma’s hips and they begin to move. Kuroo slides his leg between Kenma’s thighs and Kenma groans. Yes. This is what he wanted. He bites his lip, moving in time with Kuroo. Kuroo kisses him again before moving his lips to Kenma’s neck. “You look really fucking good tonight, kitten.”
Kenma tenses against him. Kitten. That’s new. “Just tonight?” He needs to play it like a game. Cool, detached, casual. He turns around, pushes his backside against Kuroo’s groin. One hand finds its way back to Kuroo’s nape.
I really like it when my hair gets pulled while I’m giving head.
Kenma’s fingers tighten and pull at the base of his hair. He hears Kuroo groan out a “fuck” in response. Kuroo’s fingers tighten on Kenma’s hips, the tips of his index fingers dip into the waistband of Kenma’s jeans. Kenma’s body burns with it – yes, touch me good. He pushes back on Kuroo, wanting to make him desperate. Kuroo begins to suck on Kenma’s neck in the space behind his ear. He pulls on Kuroo’s hair harder. He can feel Kuroo smirk against him. “You like that then?” Kenma nods, lets out a small yes he knows Kuroo won’t hear.
Kenma turns back around, and pulls Kuroo forward harder than before. Kuroo’s hands cover the small of his back, pulling on him so tightly he wonders if Kuroo wants them to become one person. Kenma’s breaths are coming heavily. “Can we go home now?”
“Fuck yes,” Kuroo immediately says. He grabs Kenma’s hand and leads them toward the exit.
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Once the front door is closed, Kenma turns to Kuroo. He reaches up and pulls Kuroo in to meet him, kissing him deeply. Kuroo’s hands run along Kenma’s back, before reaching one hand down into the back pocket of Kenma’s jeans and squeezing. Kenma’s hips jerk forward and he groans, breaking the kiss. “Bedroom?” he asks. He knows his voice is shaking and hopes Kuroo doesn’t comment on it.
“Yes.”
They make it a few more steps into the apartment before Kenma feels Kuroo’s hands on him again. Kuroo’s standing behind him when he feels fingers move under his shirt, stroking along his waist to his stomach, up his chest. Kuroo rubs his cheek against Kenma’s hair. “So are you going to tell me what you want? Communication and all that, right?” Kuroo’s voice is full of teasing affection.
Kenma stops and turns around. “Pick me up.” Kuroo easily hoists Kenma up by the backs of his thighs, and Kenma wraps his legs around Kuroo’s hips. “Against the wall.” Kuroo walks them until Kenma’s back hits the hallway wall. Kenma hands rub up and down Kuroo’s shoulders. “Kiss me.”
Kuroo does as he’s told, leaning forward to claim Kenma’s mouth again. It’s dizzying. Kuroo is all around him; Kenma feels boxed in, enveloped. He feels so unbelievably right in the cocoon of Kuroo’s body. Kenma bites at Kuroo’s lips before moving to his jaw, his neck. Kuroo keeps making little noises encouraging Kenma’s movements. He starts rocking his hips against Kenma’s. Kenma wants it like this. Up against the wall like Kuroo couldn’t even wait to get him to a bed, like he wanted him that badly. Kenma feels Kuroo’s biceps flex as he holds Kenma up, grabbing at Kenma’s backside.
Kenma moves his hands to Kuroo’s fly. His eyes search Kuroo’s for permission before undoing them. Kenma pushes them down and out of the way as best he can before he reaches into Kuroo’s boxers and pulls out his cock.
Kuroo’s loud as Kenma strokes him for the first time. “Fucking – Fuck.” He moves faster into Kenma’s hand. Kuroo kisses him again and its so much messier than before. It makes it easy for Kenma to believe it, that Kuroo really is this wild for him.
He lets go of Kuroo before quickly unfastening his own trousers. Kuroo’s stopped his movement completely as Kenma takes out his own cock to stroke alongside Kuroo’s. He kisses Kenma on the neck, on the cheek, on the mouth. Kenma uses both hands to get them off, Kuroo continuing to fuck against Kenma, bucking him into the wall.
Kuroo comes first, mumbling words of praise through his moans. He kisses Kenma hard, continuing to rock his hips while Kenma strokes himself with fingers covered in Kuroo’s come. When Kenma comes, their mouths break apart, Kenma whining loudly as his body tenses all over.
“That’s it.” Kuroo kisses his forehead. “So good, Kenma.”
Kenma’s chest is heaving, his legs are weak, he feels like jelly. He smiles up at Kuroo as Kuroo places his feet back on the ground. Kenma can feel himself blushing as they set their clothes right. He’s somehow only now becoming self-conscious. He thinks Kuroo might be avoiding eye contact. Kuroo clears his throat. “Uh. You can shower first. I’ll, uh, clean up.” Kenma looks around and notes a few drops of come on the hallway floor. He nods.
“Goodnight, Kuroo.”
“’Night, Kenma.”
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Kenma is woken up by the vibration of his phone on the wood of his bedside table. He grabs at it and sees a new message.
Sugawara:
Good morning Kenma! I want coffee and I keep hearing about this Bean place! Want to meet me for a drink? n__n
Kenma immediately flexes and relaxes his toes, his fingers. It would be easy to ignore it, to pretend he slept through it. Sugawara had helped him yesterday though, and he supposes that means it’d be kind to fill him in. Lest Sugawara gossip to Daichi that Kuroo and him are dating. Heaven forbid.
Kenma:
Sure, I can be there in a half hour.
The response comes quickly.
Sugawara:
See you then!
Kenma leaves the apartment before Kuroo is out of his room. He wonders if he should wake him up, see if he wants anything. He settles on leaving a note on the kitchen counter by the coffee machine.
Gone to the bean. Text me if you want me to bring you home anything special.
- Kenma
He looks at the note. It’s stupid, why did he sign his name? Of course, it’s from Kenma. No one else lives here. He guesses he’s lucky he didn’t write an embarrassing xx next to his name. Not that he was thinking of it. Stupid. Maybe he should rewrite the whole thing. Kenma stands in the kitchen debating for so long that he ends up being late to meet Sugawara.
When he enters The Friendly Bean, he spots Sugawara at the back of the shop. He’s already ordered – a mug and a small plate of baked goods sits in front of him. Kenma goes to the front to get his own. He sits next to Sugawara with his mug full of sugary coffee and whipped cream.
“Hi Kenma!” His eyes seem blindingly sweet. Kenma knows better than to trust him. He’s heard enough stories passed along from Daichi to Kuroo.
“Hello.”
“Don’t look so scared!” Suga laughs. He pushes the plate toward Kenma. “Here, I got these to share. Daichi won’t eat any sweet things with me.”
Kenma takes a square and chews. “How are you today?”
“I’m really great!” Suga grabs a cookie from the pile. “You guys left really early last night! Was everything okay?”
Kenma’s cheeks heat up. He nods. “Everything was fine.”
“You had a good night, then?”
“It was really good, yeah.” He looks at his lap, picking slowly at his food to bide time. “Sugawara, can I ask a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why did you text me? Why did you want to talk to me?”
Sugawara looks at him with something like sadness. “You’re not dating Kuroo, right?” Kenma shakes his head and Sugawara continues, his voice quiet. “Does he know you love him?”
Kenma is shocked. He keeps his eyes down and shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”
Sugawara nods. “Mmm,” he hums in confirmation. “Sometimes the really obvious things are easier to ignore.”
“Am I really obvious?”
“I might have more insight than most.” Sugawara takes a drink of his coffee, lets them both take a moment in silence. “Can I give a bit of advice?” Kenma looks up at him, nodding for him to go on. “You should tell him. Kuroo is a very good man. I know we don’t know each other as well, but you’re a good person too, Kenma. So, my advice is to tell him.”
Kenma sighs. He knows he should. Kenma has been trying to get over this thing he has for Kuroo – this being in love with him thing. Kenma has no doubt that Kuroo would be good about it, even if Kuroo didn’t feel anything for him in return. It would probably help him get over it then. So why can’t he just do it? Hope, probably. If he doesn’t confess, then Kuroo doesn’t have a chance to reject him and he can keep living in the limbo of hope.
Sugawara puts a hand on Kenma’s forearm. “You can text me too. If you ever want to or need to.” He squeezes before pulling away. “Boys can be very stupid. Especially the boys we like.”
He smiles and that seems to be it. Sugawara easily moves away from the topic of Kuroo. Retelling stories that Kenma is sure Daichi wouldn’t approve of Sugawara sharing. It’s nice. While chatting, Kuroo texts Kenma asking for a drink.
Kenma:
Why didn’t you tell me Daichi calls toast crunchy bread?
Kuroo:
He does what?
Oh my god.
Thank you for this.
Suga watches him with a mixture of knowing and teasing. It’s annoying. “I should get going. Tell Kuroo I said hello.” Kenma waves to him as he leaves. He walks to the front counter.
“Hello, what can I get you?”
“Can I get a large blonde roast coffee – black? To go please.”
“Mhm.” She writes his order down. “Where’s your friend?”
“Hmm?”
“The tall guy with the hair.”
That is pretty much all you need to describe him. “He’s not here today.”
“Oh.” The girl looks disappointed. So Kenma was right, she does have a thing for him. “Are you guys good friends?” He nods. Can’t she just get his drink? “Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?”
Kenma is struck still for a moment. It’s after midterms. Now is when Kuroo could find his future wife. Maybe coffee girl is the girl he’s supposed to marry. His stomach churns. “No, he’s not seeing anyone.” What they’re doing doesn’t count. He doesn’t have a right to get in the way of Kuroo finding someone to really be with. The barista’s smile is large as she asks for payment and exchanges it for change. Kenma unfairly hates her.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
The only gaming system Kenma has in the living room is his Switch. He figures it makes most sense since Nintendo games are always pulled out when Kuroo has people over. He’s sitting on their sofa playing Breath of the Wild when Kuroo comes in looking like he is absolutely planning something.
“What do you want?” Kenma doesn’t look away from his screen.
“What makes you think I want anything?”
“Like 12 years of knowing you.”
“I actually want two things.”
“Then tell me so I can say no and focus on my game.”
Kuroo sits down next to him and doesn’t say anything for a while. “The music is nice.”
“Mmm,” Kenma agrees, “it’s a really soothing game.” He’s already played it through completely but finds himself going back every few months just to run around for a bit. Kuroo’s hand shifts to Kenma’s thigh, he moves it slowly up and down. Every so often he gets a bit bolder, moving closer and closer to Kenma’s groin. Kenma lets his eyes find Kuroo. “Is this one of the things you want?”
Kuroo’s palm covers Kenma’s length completely, rubbing him through his sweatpants. Kenma shifts his hips, angling his body to make it easier on Kuroo. “One of them.” He reaches into Kenma’s bottoms and strokes. “Not taking much to convince you. Is it because of the game? Should I be jealous of Link?”
“I’m more of a Tingle man. It’s the leotard.” Kuroo laughs at Kenma and Kenma’s heart beats loudly. Sex is fun with Kuroo. Everything is fun with Kuroo. Kenma’s breath hitches as Kuroo pulls harder.
“I’ll look for one next time I’m out shopping.” Kuroo smiles as he moves to settle between Kenma’s legs.
He pulls Kenma’s sweats down and off before swallowing Kenma’s length. He doesn’t take it slow or work up to it, just moves down until Kenma’s worried he’ll choke. Kenma threads one hand through Kuroo’s hair, gripping tightly at the base of the strands. Kenma tugs and feels Kuroo moan in enjoyment around him. “Fucking hell, Kuro.” His body already feels taught, strung out and buzzing.
Kuroo pulls off, a string of spit and precum falling from his lips. He licks it away before humming, “I have a meet and greet thing this weekend.” Kenma doesn’t know if the words Kuroo is saying are supposed to mean something. He’s too focused on figuring out why Kuroo has stopped swallowing his cock. “We’re allowed to bring a guest.”
Through the fuzz of his arousal Kenma understands. “This is extortion.” He makes it halfway through the word before Kuroo takes him to in to the back of his throat. Kenma bucks as he feels Kuroo’s throat constrict around him.
Kuroo pulls off again and Kenma squirms, feeling desperate to come. He pulls again at Kuroo’s hair in frustration. Kuroo lets the tip of Kenma’s cock run along his bottom lip. “You don’t have to say yes,” Kuroo says.
“Fucking asshole.” Kuroo’s hand keeps a steady and maddening pace on his length. “Yes. Of course. Whatever, just fuck me.” Kuroo smiles again before moving to finish Kenma completely, sucking until Kenma feels boneless.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
“Why the hell is the meet and greet at The Bean?” Kenma and Kuroo enter the familiar setting, dressed nicely in pressed shirts and slacks. Kuroo has a cardigan over this outfit. He looks like a total loser and Kenma wants to mess him up.
“The event was set up through the university athletics association. They needed somewhere affordable.”
“A very generous way of describing The Bean.”
“Don’t worry, the catering was hired out.”
“That’s something.” Kenma looks around, spotting snacks and drinks at the side of the room. There are already a number of people there. “I’m beginning to think we’re going to eventually die in this place.”
“At least we’ll go together?”
Kenma huffs out a laugh. “An eternal optimist.” He takes a drink, fights the desire to pull out his phone. “Remind me why I’m here?”
“Because I asked.”
“And why did you ask?”
Kuroo’s cheeks turn pink. Kenma wants to kiss them. He takes another drink. “I want to make a good impression and – and I feel better when you’re nearby.”
Kenma’s sure his face is now just as red. He nods. “Okay.”
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
“That was the longest six hours of my life.”
“We only stayed for like two hours, tops.”
“And it felt like six.” Kenma throws his jacket down onto the kitchen table before stumbling toward the bathroom. “I am completely drained.”
Kuroo changes into his pajamas and meets him there. “I know.” Kuroo drops his chin to Kenma’s shoulder. “Thank you for coming. I really do appreciate it.” He kisses Kenma’s cheek.
They brush their teeth. Kenma grabs their toothbrushes, Kuroo puts on the tooth paste. Kenma pulls out their vitamins and his meds. They take turns washing their faces. Warmth spreads through Kenma’s body. How domestic. “Don’t ask me to do anything for the next four months.”
“Deal.”
He grabs Kuroo’s wrist and pulls him along, past Kuroo’s room to his own. “When I fall asleep, you can go back to your room.” He pushes Kuroo onto his bed and undresses.
“I thought you were tired?” Kuroo’s eyes trail along the line of Kenma’s body.
“I am.” He pulls on a large shirt and crawls into the space beside Kuroo. “My brain is exhausted but my body’s still…vibrating.” He grabs Kuroo’s arm and pulls it around himself, angling Kuroo so Kuroo’s weight falls on him in just the right way. “Just for a bit. Just till I fall asleep.”
Kuroo kisses the back of his head. “Of course. Goodnight, Kenma.”
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
Kenma wakes up still enveloped by Kuroo’s arms. He lets himself have this. One morning unchecked to feel Kuroo curled against him without feeling bad about it, without judging himself or berating himself that it’s about time he tells Kuroo his feelings. He closes his eyes and breathes. Like a snooze button, just five more minutes.
He feels Kuroo stretch himself awake, yawning as he does so. Kuroo makes a noise deep in his throat. “Morning.” Kenma feels Kuroo burying his face into Kenma’s hair. His arms tighten around Kenma’s middle. Kuroo’s hand moves along Kenma’s stomach, up to his chest.
Kenma’s rumbles, “That’s nice.” He moves into the touch.
Kuroo’s body curves around Kenma, his chest presses against Kenma’s back, his hips to Kenma’s ass, and his lips fall next to Kenma’s ear as he reaches around Kenma and says, “This okay?” Kenma moans out a “yes” when Kuroo takes him in his hand and begins to stroke. Kenma moves in time with Kuroo’s hand, pushing forward into Kuroo’s fist then moving back to push himself against Kuroo’s front. Kuroo lets out a soft groan and his hips stutter forward against Kenma.
Kenma responds, whimpering, “Kuro.” He grinds himself against Kuroo’s length.
Kenma wants Kuroo to be closer, he wants their clothing out of the way. “Fuck, Kenma.” Kuroo pushes harder against Kenma, rubbing himself off against his backside.
Kenma reaches behind him, pushing clumsily at Kuroo’s waistband before quickly removing his own bottoms. Kuroo pushes his bottoms down to his thighs. Kenma touches Kuroo’s cock, guiding it to between his thighs. “Here. Put lube here.”
Kuroo’s fingers glide across Kenma’s skin, covering him in wetness. He moves his arm back around Kenma’s middle and takes him back in hand. Kuroo begins fucking into the tight grasp of Kenma’s thighs. Kuroo can’t seem to control the noises that loudly crackle past his lips. Kenma hums happily at the sounds he is pulling from Kuroo. “Yes. So good, Kuro.”
Kenma loses track of what he’s saying, what he’s doing. Every bit of his brain is taken up by feeling Kuroo next to him, around him. Kuroo’s mouth finds its way to the back of Kenma’s neck again, kissing the skin there.
Kenma comes with a quiet whimper. He arches, his body pulled tight as Kuroo catches his release with practiced fingers. Kenma’s legs pull tight as his whole body shakes with his orgasm. Kenma is soft and pliable in post-orgasm but still keeps his thighs tight, arching his back to angle himself toward Kuroo. “Please Kuro. I want – I want.” He speaks the words in bursts, his body bouncing with the force of Kuroo behind him. Kuroo comes, thrusting long and hard. The entire time Kenma whispers to him so good and that’s it. Kuroo sounds delirious by the time he is completely spent, almost dizzy with sensitivity and euphoria.
Kuroo pulls away and onto his back smiling. “I’ll get a cloth.”
Kenma lies in the bed waiting for him, the morning sun filtering in through his bedroom window. Kuroo wipes down Kenma’s front, his thighs, with a devotion Kenma can’t ignore. It shakes him. Kuroo climbs in and settles once more in the space beside Kenma. Kenma turns, laying his head on Kuroo’s chest, closing his eyes.
“What are you thinking?” Kuroo asks him softly, his fingers run along the skin of Kenma’s back.
“Nothing.”
Kuroo smiles. “You’re always thinking. Even when you’re trying to fall asleep. I can look at you and tell your mind’s still going too fast.”
“I’m not – it’s not.”
“It is!”
“Not.” Kenma moves, placing his chin on Kuroo’s sternum. “How can you tell?”
“Your eyelids get all fluttery.” Kuroo says it with such fondness. He’s quiet when he says, “Must be tiring.”
Kenma lies his head back down. “Mmm,” he hums in agreement. It’s exhausting having a brain that babbles at you constantly whether you want it to or not.
“No wonder you need lots of sleep,” Kuroo comments. He keeps gently moving his fingertips along Kenma’s skin. Kenma falls asleep matching his breaths to Kuroo’s steady heartbeat.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
“Hey nerd.” Kenma taps Kuroo’s shin with the toe of his shoe under their table. “Do you think a fourth coffee is a bad idea?”
Kuroo looks up from his laptop. “Why am I a nerd?”
“Because you switched your major out of health sciences, but you probably still know the answer.”
Kuroo grabs at his heart. “Why should I tell you anything when you’re being so mean?”
Kenma frowns for a moment before pulling his phone out and scrolling through his camera roll. He’d been bored a couple nights ago while Kuroo was at the gym. He hits send on a picture to Kuroo. Kuroo watches him with a completely appropriate amount of suspicion. His phone vibrates in front of him.
Kuroo is silent when he looks at his phone. Kenma expected a bit more of a response than this. Maybe he’d shout something embarrassing across the shop. That would have been funny. Did Kenma send the wrong photo? Kuroo’s still staring at the screen, not moving.
Kuroo clears his throat. “Is this you?”
“Who else would it be?”
“It doesn’t have your face, only –”
“Don’t be stupid, never include both your face and dick in the same shot. It’s dick pic rule number one.”
“I thought rule number one was never send an unsolicited dick pic.”
“Fine, then give me your phone and I’ll delete it.”
“No, it’s mine now. I retroactively solicit it.” Kuroo is smiling now.
Kenma reaches over and grabs at Kuroo’s phone. Luckily the screen has already gone black as Kuroo waves it around out of Kenma’s reach.
“Hi, Yabuki,” Kuroo says over Kenma’s shoulder. Kenma takes this distraction as his moment to grab the phone. He quickly unlocks it and deletes the photo. As he’s doing this, he puts together what’s happening.
Yabuki is out of her work apron. It’s around 7, which is probably when she gets off shift. Yabuki, who wanted to know if Kuroo was single, is now talking to him and blushing, and Kenma has to leave.
“We should totally get drinks somewhere,” Kuroo’s saying as Yabuki takes a seat at their table. “I’m sure you don’t want to hang around work once you’re off.” He smiles at Kenma when he says it. Kenma feels embarrassment wrap around his heart.
He throws the phone to Kuroo, quickly packing his things. “I’ll see you at home, okay?” He makes fast eye contact with both Yabuki and Kuroo just to say he did. “Uh, have fun, you two.”
Kenma rushes out of the shop.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
Kenma’s on his computer in his room, waiting for Kuroo to come home. It’s been three hours. He hasn’t gotten a text. He wonders if Kuroo will be gone all night. They’ve technically known Yabuki since March; maybe that’s long enough for Kuroo. Maybe that’s enough time for him to consider fucking her. He hears the front door open.
“Did you have fun?” Kenma asks. He’s trying to tell if Kuroo’s hair is messier than usual. Are his clothes laying differently?
“Great time,” Kuroo says, and Kenma hates the way he smiles at the word.
Kenma walks close enough to smell the alcohol on Kuroo’s breath. “Went out for drinks?”
“Mhmm,” Kuroo agrees.
Kenma feels the jealousy rise in his throat like bile. “Too tired to fuck me, then?” Kuroo’s eyes drift down Kenma’s body. He pulls Kenma in hard against him, kissing him with almost too much force. It’s exactly what Kenma wants.
Kuroo still has his jacket on as he pulls Kenma’s shirt over his head. He picks up Kenma, who winds around him, locking Kuroo tight against himself. It’s so similar to a few months ago – that first time. Kuroo carries him to his room, lays him on his bed. Kenma pushes at the shoulders of Kuroo’s jacket, his hands grab at Kuroo’s shirt. He’s too impatient as he bites at Kuroo’s lips, tugs down his pants and underwear. He needs Kuroo’s skin against him now.
Kuroo seems absolutely okay with the pace. He reaches down and takes Kenma’s cock in his hand, quickly stroking him to hardness. Kenma hisses at the strength of Kuroo’s movement. He pushes on Kuroo’s shoulder, flipping them over. Kuroo pulls at the roots of Kenma’s hair, dragging him down for another kiss.
When they move apart, Kenma crawls up Kuroo’s body. He already has lube and a condom on the bed. Kenma pushes two fingers in Kuroo’s mouth, forcing it open. “Get me ready.” He voice is breathy as he pushes his cock forward into the wet heat of Kuroo’s mouth. Kenma groans as he grabs Kuroo’s hair, pulling him forward completely. “So good like this.”
Eventually one of Kuroo’s hands comes to Kenma’s back and pushes on it, forcing Kenma to bend forward against the headboard. He slows the rocking of his hips to feel Kuroo’s first finger push inside him. “Fuck.” He lets the word ring loudly in the room. He forces his hips backward, almost pulling out completely from Kuroo’s mouth. He wants Kuroo’s fingers deeper. “Another. Now.” He slams himself forward once more. Kuroo swallows him again.
Kuroo works him open with a distracting amount of skill. Kenma doesn’t want to be reminded about why he’s so good at this, why he can play Kenma so well. “That’s enough.” He pulls out completely, noticing the mess on Kuroo’s chin, at the seam of his mouth, along his cheeks. Kenma knows his horrible brain will never forget the image.
Kuroo’s voice is rough. “Are you sure you’re ready?”
“Mmm,” Kenma hums in the affirmative, rolling on a condom and coating Kuroo with more lube. He raises himself above Kuroo’s length before lowering himself in one motion. It stings more than he usually likes. “Perfect,” he mumbles.
“Fuck, Kenma.” Kuroo’s voice is already lost. Kenma knows neither of them will last very long tonight. He moves himself up and down, thighs tensing. Kuroo’s hands are on Kenma’s hips, helping him. He thrusts up to meet Kenma as he rides him.
“Is it good?” Kenma asks, breathless.
“So fucking good, kitten.”
“Show me then,” Kenma breathes out. He leans forward, kissing Kuroo. Kuroo flips them back around. His hands grab below Kenma’s knees, pushing them up and open. “Yes. Fuck me.” This way Kuroo can cover him completely, this way he can push deeper, faster. Kenma grabs at Kuroo’s back, nails dragging down his skin, leaving it red. Kenma reaches down to stroke himself in time with Kuroo. He’s losing focus, his body buzzing with its impending release.
He can’t control his mouth, can’t remember which words he says and which he only thinks. Please and Tetsuro and always get cast into the room and Kenma can’t take them back. He bites on his tongue when he feels the word love bubble in his chest.
After, once they’ve cleaned up, Kenma lets himself lay with Kuroo against his chest. He plays with Kuroo’s hair, running his fingers through the locks, gently massaging his scalp. Kuroo falls asleep easily in Kenma’s arms. Kenma stays awake for a long while.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
Kenma looks at himself in the mirror and frowns. Everything has gotten away from him. Cool, detached, casual. That’s how he was supposed to be, that’s how he was supposed to approach this. He has to pull back, he has to play it safer.
He combs his hair, pulling half of it up and away from his face. When he leaves the room, Kuroo is waiting in the kitchen. He’s half awake – in boxers and an old Nekoma gym shirt. Kenma’s heart feels tight in his chest.
“You’re awake early,” Kuroo says, turning on the coffee machine. “Want me to make you some too?”
Kenma shakes his head. “Can’t.” He hikes his backpack onto both shoulders. “I’m going to work at the computer lab today, so I won’t be back until late.”
“Oh.” Kuroo blinks in surprise. “Did you pack a lunch? We could meet – ”
“It’s fine.” Kenma’s sliding on his shoes. “There’s places to eat nearby. I’ll grab something.” He doesn’t need Kuroo taking care of him. He doesn’t want the reminder – how Kuroo’s care and attention tingles down his spine in familiarity.
“Okay – Bye!” he hears Kuroo shout, as he’s closing the door. Kenma’s heart feels like it’s beating too hard. He curls his hands into fists, pushing his nails into his skin.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
Kenma hears a knock on his door before Kuroo leans in. “Hey, I just pulled up this week’s V-league game, if you want to come watch?”
Kenma looks forward, eyes trained on his monitor. “Sorry, I’m recording a raid. Can’t tonight.”
He doesn’t hear any movement for a long moment. “I can wait to watch. How long will you be?”
“Probably too late. Sorry.” His fingers continue their movement without conscious thought. They feel like they’re moving through molasses. Every time Kuroo tries to reach out, Kenma has to hold his breath until he gives up.
He’s so close to back pedaling, so close to turning and telling Kuroo, yes, let’s watch whatever you want, as long as you let me touch you.
But that’s not fair to Kuroo. Kuroo, who is made of easy smiles, and even easier connections to people. The sun shines on Kuroo Tetsuro and he deserves it. Why would Kenma ever think he would keep up with the light and joy that Kuroo brings to the people around him? How selfish to think that Kenma should get to keep it for himself.
“Alright, have fun.” Kuroo shuts the door behind him and finally Kenma can breathe.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
Kenma grabs a coffee from The Friendly Bean on his way home from the library. He hates working there, but the chances of running into Kuroo are virtually non-existent. He’s exhausted. Avoiding Kuroo, avoiding thinking, has taken so much effort. He just wants to drag Kuroo by the wrist and crawl into Kuroo’s bed with him. Have his weight press down on him and his touch comfort him.
Kenma’s stomach curdles when he sees Yabuki at the cash register.
“Hey, what can I get you?” She takes his order and payment and then Kenma has to wait the excruciating 5 minutes until his drink is done. All of this is made worse by the fact that it is a quiet night at the shop and there are no other customers in line.
“Kuroo hasn’t texted me,” Yabuki says conversationally. Kenma doesn’t know if he should be mad or sympathetic. He just nods, acknowledging he’s heard her. “He said he’d check with you – about your schedule – to see when we could all go out.”
“What?”
“When you had to leave that night?” she tries to explain. “He said we’d all rain check – that the three of us could go for drinks another night.”
“Oh, yeah.” Kenma nods along like this is all stuff he’s heard. “I’ve been busy with course projects.”
She ducks her head. “He was really nice about everything. Though I wish you told me he had feelings for someone else!” She says it like she’s making a joke – that self-deprecating way you push down something embarrassing.
“I didn’t know he did.”
She smiles at him. “Oh, that’s okay then.” She hands him his drink. “Remind him to text me when you’re both free! I think we could all be good friends!”
“Okay.” He needs to talk to Kuroo.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
Kenma throws open Kuroo’s door. He feels a deep ache in his chest at the fact that he’s gotten used to it being closed. At least it isn’t locked. “You didn’t go out with Yabuki?”
“No, I didn’t.” Kuroo doesn’t look toward Kenma, just keeps writing whatever he’s working on.
“Why did you let me believe you did?”
“Oh, you’re talking to me again?” Kuroo throws his pencil down, and quickly spins his chair toward the door. The hurt on his face strikes against Kenma’s heart.
Kenma doesn’t know what to do. How to process this. Cool, detached, casual. He’s none of those things. He’s never been those things. He thinks too much, he worries too much, he feels too much. Cool, detached, casual. Why did he ever think he could do that? With Kuroo, of all people.
“I’m sorry,” Kenma says. His cheeks feel wet. “For all of it, I’m sorry.”
Kuroo takes a few deep breaths. “You know, the only thing I want to do right now – when I see you like this – is say don’t cry, it’s okay.” His jaw in clenches between statements. “But it’s not okay. You were supposed to talk to me, tell me if things changed, if it was too much, if you wanted to stop.” He looks away. “Instead you completely closed me off. I have no idea what happened, and that’s not okay.”
Kenma wipes his face, wills himself to stop crying. He needs to hear Kuroo, listen and show he truly cares about making it up to him. He’s missed him so much. “You’re right. I’ve never – ” Kenma shakes his head. “I always talk to you and I stopped. I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.” Kuroo sounds as tired as Kenma feels. “Don’t do it again.” He turns back and keeps working on whatever he has in front of him.
Kenma starts to panic. “That’s it?”
“What else do you want me to say, Kenma?”
“Ask me.”
“Ask you what?” He still won’t look at Kenma.
“Ask me what I didn’t tell you.” Kenma can feel his heartbeat through his whole body, loud in his ears, tingling his fingertips.
Kuroo turns halfway. His voice sounds breakable. “What didn’t you tell me, Kenma?”
“That I love you.” It feels like the statement should echo through the room, something as big as this. It should shake the walls, make picture frames fall from their place. “That I’ve loved you for a long time.”
“Kenma.” He says the word slowly, like he’s not sure what it means. His eyes seem to be begging Kenma, but Kenma can’t figure out what they’re asking him to do.
“I thought I could get over it at first. I tried to for a long time. Then at the beginning of this year, I thought I’ll take what I can get and learn to make that enough. But it scared me. It wasn’t enough but also too much, and it scared me.” His words seem too loud, not right and not enough. “I’m sorry. I should have told you a long time ago.”
“You should have.” Kuroo doesn’t sound upset. Kenma thinks he might cry again. Kuroo stands up, walks over, pulls Kenma softly against his chest. He tucks Kenma’s head below his chin. “Thank you for telling me.”
He leads Kenma to his bed, lies them down. Kenma thinks this is all there can be. Kuroo knows and still cares for him. Kuroo knows and didn’t kick him out or yell or push him away. Kenma falls asleep curled close to Kuroo.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
When Kenma opens his eyes, Kuroo is already looking down at him. This is the first morning Kuroo wakes up knowing Kenma loves him. Kuroo is smiling so softly. Kenma feels his cheeks flush; he wants to hide away from Kuroo’s eyes.
“Good morning.” Kuroo’s voice moves gently over him.
“Morning.”
“You meant it?” Kuroo asks, sounding cautious. “Last night?”
“That I love you?” Kuroo nods. Kenma’s fingers pick at the fabric of Kuroo’s shirt. He looks Kuroo in the eye “I mean it – I love you.”
Kuroo’s smile is so wide it lights up Kenma’s heart. Kuroo lets out a small laugh. “I love you too.”
Kenma’s mouth falls open; he starts breathing heavily. “What?”
Kuroo laughs more, pulling Kenma close to him and rolling them over and over around in his bed. “Kozume Kenma, I love you.” He kisses Kenma on the forehead. “I love you.” He kisses Kenma on the cheek. “I love you.” He kisses Kenma on the nose. “I love you.” He finally stops with Kenma below him, moves a hand to stroke Kenma’s hair out of his face. He leans down and kisses Kenma lightly on the mouth.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
“No, no, no!” Kuroo repeats as they approach The Friendly Bean. The lights are all off, the windows closed and covered. The door is locked, a sheet of paper attached to it.
Kenma reads, “The Friendly Bean is heartbroken to announce that we are permanently closing our doors. We thank you for allowing us to serve you.” Kuroo’s hands are cupped as he tries to see in through the windows. Kenma whines, “Where are we supposed to die now?”
Kuroo straightens up, stands next to Kenma. “You know, this could be a good thing.” He nudges Kenma with his elbow. “Change can be an upgrade, we could find something even better.” Kuroo nudges him again and again.
Kenma rolls his eyes. “That’s cheesy, Kuro.”
“Wow.” Kuroo throws his arm around Kenma’s shoulders. “How could you like someone so cheesy?”
Kenma pushes himself into Kuroo’s chest. “How embarrassing.”
Kuroo holds him close. His voice is soft. “It’s not so bad, is it?”
Kenma looks up at Kuroo. It’s not bad – it’s a familiar, comforting experience. Something reliable and steady. All the while his heart is pounding and kicking against his chest. He doesn’t bother checking to see if anyone is looking at them. Reaching up on his tip toes, he gives Kuroo a small kiss. “Not bad at all.”