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Keeping a secret is no different than lying. But Hiiragi Kashima didn't want to be a liar. The word 'liar' was just straight up ugly to him and he didn't want to be addressed as such...but he was being dishonest towards his boyfriend.
He was keeping a huge secret deep inside that little, fragile heart of his. It was like a time-bomb that was about to explode and once it did...there was no coming back. Once the truth is revealed, not only him but possibly his entire career as a musician and his role as Shizusumi Yagi's boyfriend might be ruined.
He wanted to tell Shizusumi, of course he did, but he just couldn't bring himself to speak up and let it all out. So he decided to keep everything a secret. It wasn't too hard because all he had to do was act as he usually would. He just had to make sure he didn't accidently out himself.
So here he was...in his room, at his desk writing a letter to his beloved Shizu. He wasn't sure how to start it because what he was planning to do was definitely going to hurt, and 'Dear Shizusumi,' didn't really have a good sound.
He took a look at his calendar and found himself staring at the bright red circle around January 25th.
At that moment, all the memories came in like a flash. His mom and dad were shouting. Broken glass on the floor. Him locking himself in his room to avoid them. Late nights calls with Shizusumi who always knew exactly how to calm him down. All the nightmares he had anyways. His mom sitting him down and telling him about the divorce. Him agreeing that it's for the best. Saying goodbye to his dad who went to live with his parents. And in the end- his mom telling him about moving.
At first Hiiragi just shrugged, "As long as we don't move TOO far away so I can go to school normally I'm okay with it."
His mom looked at him with tears in her eyes and Hiiragi understood all of this was leaving her in a horrible state of mind so he got up and wrapped his arms around her. "Mom?"
"I'm sorry…" she cried.
"What for?"
She was silent for a moment before speaking up, "I got a job offer overseas."
That's when all the blood running through his veins froze. He looked at her, terrified, "No…"
"I'm sorry Hiiragi-" she wiped away the tears, "Please understand."
"When are we moving?" He whispered.
She looked at the calendar that was sitting on the kitchen table. "Could you hand me that?"
Hiiragi, still in shock, pulled away from his mother's embrace and did as he was told, handing her a red marker as well.
She gently took it and circled the day that will ruin everything...a day Hiiragi wished he could avoid experiencing.
January 25th.
"I'm sorry…" his mother apologized again. "I'm sorry for taking everything away from you I-" she choked back a sob, "I'm sorry for being selfish."
Tears formed in Hiiragi's eyes as he helplessly looked at his mother cry with no one to give her comfort.
"Feel free to hate me…"
That was the drop that made Hiiragi's cup overflow and he rushed to his mother's side once again. "Mom-" he gasped, "Please stop...how could I ever hate you?"
And really how could he? When she was always there for him.
When he approached her to tell her he wanted to plan a band she helped him save money for a bass. She worked extra hard and Hiiragi took it for granted.
When Yuki died, she held him tightly and cried with him because she looked and still looks at all of his friends as her own children.
When he started dating Shizusumi she was supportive and bought the two boys movie tickets as a surprise date(which he thought was slightly embarrassing even though Shizu assured him it was actually really sweet).
She was there when he said his first words, she laid beside him when he got his first fever, she helped him get up and clean his scraped knee when he fell down while playing, she was there on his first day of school, she was there when he sang in his elementary's school choir for the first time. She was there every step of the day through all stages of his life and he was glad he got the opportunity to have such an amazing woman as his mother.
"I love you...it's okay." He spoke that day...but it wasn't okay because there was another person who was there for him from the beginning. And that someone was Shizusumi Yagi…
Hiiragi wasn't sure how was he going to let his boyfriend know he's moving overseas so in the end he decided to keep it a secret until the last day… he knew it was a bitchass move and that he was going to hurt Shizusumi, but he also didn't want his last days with Shizu to be sad. He wanted to leave with only the best memories and deal with the consequences later.
He glanced at the paper one more time and finally decided on the right words.
'Sorry for leaving you.'
•
7 days until the flight
Hiiragi barely got up that morning. He looked at the bright green numbers on his clock that read 8:00.
What used to be a ten minute routine turned into an hour.
He wanted to appreciate his life in Japan as long as he was allowed to. He ate his breakfast extra slowly despite it already being cold just because he was afraid he would forget the taste by the time he moved away.
That day he called Shizusumi and told him he was feeling sick. Skipping school was never Hiiragi's thing, but he really didn't have any energy to go.
For an hour all he did was stare through the window and wonder when he will see the view through it again after he moves…what's more important- what will happen with the house? Will someone move in temporarily? He didn't bother asking his mom...besides, he probably wouldn't like the answer so he just kept the thought for himself.
The next few hours he spent scrolling through different fan pages created for his and Shizu's band...he felt so bad for all the fans that were about to find out the harsh truth. He wondered if they would still be loyal to the band and keep on streaming their music and how long it would take them to forget about him.
If it wasn't for someone ringing the bell he would probably get swallowed by his own loneliness. He slowly got up and opened the doors just to be greeted by his boyfriend.
"Shizusumi!?" Hiiragi blinked rapidly trying to process why his boyfriend was at his doorstep instead of school. "What are you-"
"I wanted to check on you." Shizu rubbed his neck and handed Hiiragi a grocery bag, "I got you some tea and fruit."
Hiiragi felt his eyes water, "Thank you…" he managed to say.
"Hey it's not a big deal." Shizusumi assured him, "Can I come inside?"
Hiiragi froze in place, remembering all the boxes that could be found all around the house. 'Quick think of an excuse…' he told himself.
"S-sure." He stammered, "But there's a lot of uh- boxes around because mom's renovating."
"Alright." Shizu seemed to believe that horribly covered lie but hey- at least it worked??? Because Hiiragi surely hoped it did.
"Let's go to my room…" Hiiragi pushed Shizu in the house.
"Hold on-" Shizu cut him off, "Let me make you tea first."
Hiiragi sighed, "You can be pretty stubborn you know?"
Shizu rolled his eyes, "Look who's talking."
"Hey-" Hiiragi started but before he knew it Shizu put his hand over his mouth.
"Save it for later."
Words echoed in Hiiragi's ear for the next minute or two…
Later...Shizusumi still thought they had later- he was still unaware of the harsh reality that was going to seperate them in a week.
Suddenly a feeling of guilt washed over Hiiragi once again and this time he thought he was going to puke.
He rushed towards the bathroom before giving his boyfriend a chance to process what had just happened.
At the time Shizusumi appeared on the doorway Hiiragi already threw out his soul.
"Hiiragi-" Shizu rushed to his boyfriend's side and helped him get up. "Go lay down tea soon. Honey or sugar?"
Hiiragi looked at his boyfriend weekly. His dark eyes and messy black hair.
"Your eyes are glassy," Shizu noted.
"I love you…" Hiiragi spoke out of blue. "Thank you…for being here."
"Of course!" Shizu sighed and smiled at his boyfriend softly, "You know I'd always be there for you."
'Always.' Hiiragi felt like throwing up again but somehow he managed to keep it inside.
"Yeah…" he mumbled, "I know."
That day Shizusumi and Hiiragi spent their day talking, watching movies and cuddling. While Shizu's presence made Hiiragi feel at ease it still hurt. It hurt having to lie to your lover. It hurt so much not being able to talk about the topics that have been eating you on the inside.
That was the last day Shizusumi Yagi ever visited Hiiragi's house.
•
6 days until the flight
"What?" Hiiragi spoke with wide eyes, "But you missed half of the school yesterday you can't keep doing this mister."
He could hear Shizusumi sign on the call, "I'll just say I had a doctor's appointment or something. Nothing you should worry about- now I'm asking you again, do you want to go see that movie with me?"
"Y-yeah sure." Hiiragi mumbled, "But what if someone from school catches us and sees I'm faking being sick-"
"Think about what you just said."
"Huh?"
"If someone...from our school sees us." Shizu spoke slowly.
"Yeah??? That's what I said dumbass!"
"Hiiragi if someone from our school sees us that means they are not in school either-"
"OOOOHHHH!!!" Sudden realization hit him, "I feel so dumb."
"You are." Shizusumi confirmed, "But I love you anyways."
Hiiragi felt his face heat up, "I- I love you too idiot."
"Why am I an idiot?"
"S-shut up." Hiiragi whined.
Shizu snorted, "Is one hour enough for my princess to get ready?"
Hiiragi was never more thankful that Shizu couldn't see him because he was now redder than a tomato itself.
"Yeah." He answered and hung up.
"AAAAHHH! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF IDIOT!!!" He cursed himself, taking a few deep breaths.
"Now go get ready or-"
"Hiiragi?" His mom peeked her head through his doors, "Who're you talking to?"
Hiiragi felt himself go red again, "Myself."
She blinked but nodded, "I...alright."
After an hour Hiiragi walked out of the house feeling emotionally drained. He really didn't feel like going to the movies but if it meant spending time with his boyfriend then he'll go. He'll go no matter how much it hurts him. He'll go because he loves Shizusumi and wants to make him as happy as possible as many times as possible that they have together.
"Hey," Shizu greeted his boyfriend and they shared a kiss.
"What movie did you pick?" Hiiragi asked, grabbing his boyfriend's hand.
"You'll see."
"Ah come on!" Older boy whined, "You're no fun."
Shizusumi smirked, "Neither is the movie."
"SHIZU!!!" Hiiragi gasped, "I swear to god if you picked tragedy I'm going to-"
"You'll what?"
Hiiragi gulped, "I'm going to cry."
Shizu ruffled his boyfriend's hair, "Don't worry I'll be there to squeeze your hand."
Hiiragi stopped in his tracks. 'Yeah but how will you squeeze my hand once I'm in the other part of the world?'
Shizu stopped as well, "Hiiragi? You alright?"
Hiiragi shook his head, "Yeah I'm fine." And he put on a fake smile, "Let's go! The movie better not be too sad."
Shizu nodded and two of them walked to the cinema hand in hand.
The movie truly was sad and Hiiragi ended up sobbing like a baby...but it was okay because Shizusumi was holding him.
That day was the last time Shizusumi took Hiiragi to see a movie.
•
5 days until the flight
Hiiragi stood in front of his mirror trying to decide on the outfit. He decided to skip school again and go out with Mafuyu. The pressure on him was too big and he couldn't keep on bottling up his emotions. Not anymore. He was in a huge need of a gateway and the only person other than Shizusumi and his mom that he'd trust with his life was Mafuyu.
He finally decided on an outfit and exited the house trying to catch his breath. Air in the house felt weird, as if there was not enough oxygen. In the last few days he almost passed out about three times.
"Hiiragi!" Mafuyu called out to his friend.
Hiiragi's eyes widened for a second, but soon after realizing it's just Mafuyu he relaxed. "Oh...hey."
"You wanted to see me?"
"Can we go somewhere?" Hiiragi sighed, "There's something I need to get off my chest."
Mafuyu nodded, "Let's go to the park."
"Sounds good to me."
Two boys started chatting about what was happening to them these past few days. Hiiragi asked about Mafuyu and his band and Mafuyu once again ended up gushing over his boyfriend which only made Hiirsgi roll his eyes.
Like- OF COURSE he WAS happy for Mafuyu and Uenoyama! But he would rather die than admit that. That's just the kind of drama queen that he was.
They sat down on one of the benches and relaxed. "So what is it?" Mafuyu asked. "You're acting kinda weird."
"Huh?!" Hiiragi crossed his arms, "What do you mean!!??"
"Dunno," Mafuyu shrugged, "You seem uneasy and are way too silent."
"There's...something I need to tell you- but you can't- I'm repeating you CAN'T tell Shizusumi!"
"Did something happen between you two?"
Hiiragi sighed, "No...not yet."
Mafuyu blinked in confusion, "What do you mean yet? Are you planning on breaking up with Shizu-chan?"
"What? No!" Hiiragi shouted helplessly, burying his face in the palms of his hands, "Mafuyu I- I'm moving away…"
Mafuyu opened his mouth to say something but soon after closed them again.
"Please don't tell him…"
After a while Mafuyu spoke softly, "So you're not going to tell him until it's too late?"
"I just…" Hiiragi looked up at his friend, "I want our last days to be as happy as possible y'know."
"That's very inconsiderate of you." Mafuyu noted and Hiiragi felt it again. A feeling of guilt crashing him, "I mean imagine how betrayed Shizu-chan is going to feel."
Hiiragi felt his eyes fill with tears. He clicked his tongue and looked away trying to avoid eye contact, "Dammit, don't you think I know??"
"You're being selfish…"Mafuyu sighed, "But it's not like I can blame you. Thank you for trusting me with this information."
"Please," Hiiragi repeated, "Don't tell him."
Mafuyu nodded, "Don't worry I won't. I don't really agree with the way you're doing things but I do know I will be here to support you either way."
Hiiragi let a tear or two run down his cheek. "Thank you…" he choked back a sob. "Thank you for listening to me Mafuyu."
"You should take Shizu-chan out." He suggested.
"Hm? We went out yesterday."
"But if you're moving away AND you're not gonna tell him- you might as well make your last days as memorable as possible right?"
Hiiragi wiped away the tears, "Yeah I guess you're right."
"Take him stargazing after your band practice."
Hiiragi face palmed, "WE HAVE BAND PRACTICE!"
Mafuyu twitched at the sudden reaction, "Huh? Did you forget about your own band practice?"
"I-" Hiiragi sighed, "kinda? I mean it is pretty useless now isn't it?"
"You want to go pro don't you?"
"Well yeah?" Hiiragi played with his hands, "But I wanna go pro with Shizu."
"That thing you and Shizu-chan have...it's a bound you two created with years and years of trust and mutual understanding. It's something you shaped and worked on so hard. You worked so hard for this relationship to work out and now...both of you are happy. You're gentle and happy together so I don't see why would distance ruin that? Trust me...your bound is too strong to be broken that easily."
"Well that was...strangely sentimental? Thanks…" Hiiragi rubbed his neck awkwardly. "I'll keep that in mind."
Mafuyu lightly punched his arm, "You better."
After his talk with Mafuyu, Hiiragi felt weight fall off his shoulder. Guilt was still eating him alive but he felt better and calmer. Just like Mafuyu said...he was not going to let distance ruin his relationship with Shizu...but he was afraid that keeping it a secret might anger the other boy which might be a problem. Although Shizusumi just didn't seem like that kind of guy to Hiiragi.
Hiiragi stopped at his house to grab his bass and rushed to the studio where Shizusumi and Uenoyama had been waiting.
"Hey, I'm sorry I'm late." He muttered under his breath as he walked into the room.
"Hi." Uenoyama greeted while trying to tune his guitar.
"Hey," Shizu walked up to his boyfriend and kissed his forehead, "How are you feeling today? You missed school again."
"I'm better. I was out with Mafuyu."
"Mafuyu was with you?" Uenoyama spoke up as he finished running.
"Don't worry Ritsu-kun I ain't stealing your man I have my own." Hiiragi nodded and started to tune his bass, "We talked for a while."
Uenoyama clicked his tongue, "I'm not worried about you stealing Mafuyu. You're basically his little sister."
Hiiragi clenched his fists, "What did you say brat?"
Shizusumi put his hand on Hiiragi's shoulder and a wave of warmth washed over his body, "It's okay you two. Stop fighting."
Hiiragi rolled his eyes and they started practicing.
As music filled the air, Hiiragi felt weight starting to build again. He wanted to play music as long as possible so- "Do you guys wanna have another practice on Friday?" Hiiragi asked nervously.
"Oh…" Uenoyama rubbed his neck, "I have practice with my band this friday-"
"Please-" Hiiragi cut him off, "Just this once and I will never ask anything more of you."
He wasn't sure why he insisted on Uenoyama playing with him...it's not like he particularly liked the guy(or at least he would never admit he did). I mean you could say he was okay? He did admire him and his guitar skills. After all he did do so much for Hiiragi despite them not getting along...yet he never acknowledged the amount of stress he must have put on the guitarist. Perhaps it was his good music that made Hiiragi want to play with him once more. Or him being gentle with his childhood friend. Whatever it was he wanted his last band practice to include Uenoyama because even if he was just support, he was still a valid member.
Uenoyama sighed, "You know you can be pretty damn annoying at times-"
Hiiragi didn't reply which just made the entire situation feel uncomfortable.
"OKAY!" Uenoyama gave in, "But I'm taking a day off from next week."
"That won't be a problem." Hiiragi replied without thinking.
Soon after band practice was over and Hiiragi decided to do exactly as Mafuyu suggested.
"Shizu!" Hiiragi walked up to the taller boy and grabbed his hand, "Let's take a walk together."
"Don't you think it's a little late?" Shizu wondered.
"Nah...let's go stargazing."
Shizu smiled softly. Moonlight was hitting his face which made his eyes sparkle, "Sure thing princess."
That night was the last time Hiiragi and Shizusumi went stargazing together.
•
4 days until the flight
That day his mom forced him to go to school.
"Look could you go at least once more? Teachers already know about you moving but you should tell your classmates as well."
As much as he didn't want to see them he didn't want to disappoint his mom so he went. He went and as soon as he walked through the school doors he was greeted with "Hey Hiiragi!" "Long time no see Hiiragi! Are you feeling better?" "Look Hiiragi-senpai is back!".
He put on a smile and gently greeted everyone back. He laughed with them and assured them he was fine.
"We heard you were sick!" A girl from his class noted, "What happened? Are you better?"
"Yeah I am." He laughed it off. "However…"
"I think I might not come to school tomorrow either…" he bit his lip anxiously waiting for them to ask why.
But instead they all just nodded and instead replied with "Yeah, we get it!" "Take time for yourself!" "If you want you can copy my notes."
He smiled softly as he felt tears form in his eyes. He closed them tiredly not wanting to cry in front of his classmates. "Thank you…"
Before he realized what was happening a voice behind him called, "Hiiragi!" and he turned around to see Shizusumi waving at him.
"Excuse me for a second." He told his classmates and ran off to Shizusumi.
"Hey!" The taller boy ruffled his hair.
"Gah-" Hiiragi blushed, "Stop we're in school."
"Didn't think you'd show up."
"Hm? Oh...I'm feeling a little better so I decided to come. Can't skip school forever I guess."
Shizusumi nodded, "I'm glad to hear that."
"Are you?" Hiiragi smirked, "Did my Shizu miss me that much?"
But as he made that joke something inside him hurt. He felt as if he was just stabbed through his ribcage.
"Yeah dumbass." Shizu pinched his boyfriend's cheek, "School's boring without you."
Hiiragi felt his heart shatter in ten thousand pieces. "Oh…" Suddenly it became hard to breathe, and he felt as if he was going to pass out.
"I...I think I need some fresh air." He mumbled and ran off.
"Huh?" Shizu looked at his boyfriend in surprise, "Wait up- I'll go with you."
As soon as he was outside on fresh air Hiiragi inhaled deeply trying to clean his mind. He was hurting...he was not only hurting himself.
Mafuyu was right. What he was doing was selfish but-
"Hiiragi are you alright?" Shizusumi gently placed his hand on the shorter boy's shoulder.
But right now he didn't have any other choice...he had to finish what he started. He was aware that a lot of people would get hurt in the process but… he still stuck to his plan anyways.
And he knew he'll regret that in future.
"Yeah…" he mumbled, "We should head to class."
Shizusumi nodded, "Yeah we definitely should."
That day was the last time Hiiragi and Shizusumi went to the same school.
•
3 days until the flight
"Why aren't you in school again?" Shizusumi scolded Hiiragi through the phone.
"I'm sorry...I needed to do something." And here he was covering his secret with lies.
Hiiragi Kashima was a liar and he hated himself for that.
"What?" Shizu asked, "I genuinely don't understand you…"
"Please Shizu I-" Hiiragi sighed, "Can you just drop it?"
"This week- out of five days you went to school only one time. Seriously you can't keep doing that."
"Shizu-" Hiiragi's voice broke.
"What?"
"Trust me…" tears streamed down his face. 'Please don't trust me. I'm a liar.' He begged him internally.
Shizu sighed, "Alright but- if you don't appear in class on monday I swear I'm coming to your house and bringing you there myself."
Hiiragi tried not to sob, "Deal." With that, he hung up.
That day he packed all of his stuff and emptied his drawers and closets. He found a lot of stuff he didn't remember anymore. But the most painful one to look at had to be a picture of him, Shizusumi, Mafuyu and Yuki at their middle school graduation.
Being seperated from Yuki already hurt...how was he going to survive being without the other two- he didn't know.
He folded the photo and put it in his wallet so he can have it close because even if he's ten thousand miles away, he'll always hold these three boys close in his heart...even if they are not in the same world as him…
His phone ringing was what got him out of his sentimental trance.
He picked it up and wiped away his tears as if the person on the other side might see him. "Hello?"
"Hey," Mafuyu replied, "Hiiragi do you mind if I come watch your practice today?"
"Huh? Shouldn't you be practicing with Given?" He sniffed, "I mean Uenoyama said you guys are having practice so-"
"It's canceled," Mafuyu cut him off, "Haruki-san and Kaji-san are busy with their schoolwork anyways so practice would probably get canceled anyways."
"Ah… alright. Sure. Come if you want."
"Are you crying?" Mafuyu asked, sounding a little worried.
Hiiragi tried not to break down. 'Come on! Hold it in for a while longer idiot.'
But he was weak. He was weak when it came to his emotions. And just like that he broke down on the call.
"I'm sorry…" he apologized "Just hang up."
"Is it troubling you that much?"
Mafuyu asked.
"Just...Can you come over?"
"Be there in a few." Mafuyu hung up and Hiiragi curled up in a ball.
After about twenty minutes there was a knock on the door and Hiiragi went to open the doors.
"Thanks." He choked in between sobs.
Mafuyu hit his friend's shoulder lightly, "You were always such a crybaby."
"I'm sorry." Hiragi put his hand over his mouth.
"Let's go to your room." Mafuyu already trailed off on his own with Hiiragi not being able to do anything but follow.
They sat down and Hiiragi was still in the process of trying to calm down.
"Shizu-chan loves you." Mafuyu blurted out.
"I know." Hiiragi sighed, "Knowing that hurts even more."
"Do you think distance will change his feelings towards you?"
"Maybe...depends." Hiiragi shrugged, "But me keeping it a secret definitely might."
"I doubt." Mafuyu moved closer to his friend.
"Mafuyu-" Hiiragi looked at his best friend, "what...what would you do if Uenoyama did the same thing to you?"
"Well first of all I'm not Shizu-chan and Uenoyama-kun is not you- thank god."
"Meanie." Hiiragi snorted.
"But if you ask me...well I would be sad probably." Mafuyu thought for a second,"I really don't want to lose another person I love."
"Oh…" and as much as he wanted to hide the tears just wouldn't stop falling. "I see." He mumbled.
Mafuyu put his hand on Hiiragi's shoulder, "That's why I'm upset you're leaving."
Hiiragi let out a sharp breath, "You are?"
Mafuyu punched his friend again, "What kind of question is that!? You're my friend of course I'm sad!" And at that moment Hiiragi could see Mafuyu's pained expression.
"I- I didn't think you'd be." Hiiragi admitted.
"HUH?!" Mafuyu shouted, "WHY??"
Hiiragi's eyes widened at his friend's sudden outburst, "I'm not sure?"
"Yeah me neither." Mafuyu frowned, "You really are dumber than you look."
"Gee thanks." Hiiragi snorted and he felt a little better on the inside. Now, the question was how long would that last.
"You're welcome." Mafuyu crossed his arms.
"Hey, say Mafuyu- don't you have school??"
"We got the day off and before you ask why I don't remember. Wasn't listening."
"That...sounds like you." A small smile could be found on Hiiragi's face.
"Are you feeling better?"
Hiiragi nodded, "I think so."
"Good...will you tell Uenoyama-kun?"
Hiiragi choked on air, "WhAt?"
"About you moving away. I think it's better for you to tell him than him accidently showing up at the studio and being confused about where you and Shizu-chan are."
"He...wouldn't tell Shizu?"
"Nah." Mafuyu shook his head, "He has a big mouth but if he's with me I'll make sure it doesn't come out."
"Yeah yeah whatever." Hiiragi brushed it off.
Two of them kept on talking for a while and Hiirago had to admit, Mafuyu's presence really did have an impact on his mood.
Soon after they headed to the studio to get ready for practice- and have a conversation with Uenoyama.
"Dammit it was about time you two showed up." Uenoyama groaned, "What happened?"
"I blame Hiiragi-" Mafuyu pointed at his friend, "It always takes him ages to get ready."
Hiiragi snorted, "Well at least I don't wander around on my own without any clue of where I am going."
"Shut up." Mafuyu rolled his eyes.
"Why did I have to come early." Uenoyama interrupted the two childhood friends.
"Hiiragi has something to tell you." Mafuyu replied.
"Then out with it-"
"We should get inside first." Hiiragi opened the doors of the studio.
It took them around five minutes to get in and make themselves comfortable.
"What is it?" Uenoyama crossed his arms.
"I don't need you to keep playing as support anymore…" Hiiragi replied blankly.
"Hm?" Uenoyama relaxed a bit, "So you found a permanent guitarist?"
"No~t exactly." Hiiragi played with his hands, "You see...I'm moving away."
"Ooooh-" Uenoyama gasped, "So- what about the band?? Didn't you say you wanna go pro?"
"I do but...I'm moving overseas." Hiiragi sighed, "Guess it just wasn't destined.
"Well you're almost an adult you can move back once you're done with college and stuff can't you?"
"Yeah but that's going to be in a few years and...I don't think Shizu would want to see me anymore."
"Wait-"
"Shizu-chan doesn't know." Mafuyu explained, "And you're not allowed to tell him."
"So- so you're just gonna lie to him?"
"I don't wanna hurt him… I really don't, but I don't wanna worry him either."
Uenoyama nodded, "Alright. I'll be silent."
"You better." Mafuyu and Hiiragi both replied at the same time.
"So that's why you wanted to have me at band practice!"
"I wanted to have one last band practice...yeah." Hiiragi confessed.
"I'm here!" Another voice said walking into the room.
"Hey!" Uenoyama and Mafuyu greeted each other.
Hiiragi looked away, "Hey Shizu."
"Mafuyu what are you doing here?" Shizu asked, putting his things aside.
"I came to watch you guys. I didn't have anything else to do anyways."
"Ah alright." Shizu nodded, "Did you two tune your instruments?"
Uenoyama and Hiiragi shook their heads.
"I- seriously? Go tune them right away so we can start with the practice."
Hiiragi got up and started tunning his bass, "Say Shizu...what do you want from this band?"
"What?" His boyfriend turned to him.
"Do you like playing music?"
"Well I obviously don't hate it." Shizu said a little confused.
"Yeah but...is music what you want your career to be?"
"I...I want to play along with you. If you decide you want to become an astronaut I'd follow you into space any day of the week."
Hiiragi closed his eyes, "You don't understand my question."
"Hey guys-" Uenoyama interrupted, "I tuned my guitar so we can start."
"I-" Shizu tried to say something but he got interrupted once again.
"Let's go." Hiiragi said. "Let's do this once more."
That day was the last band practice Hiiragi had with Shizusumi and Uenoyama.
•
2 days until the flight
"Are you sure everything is packed?" Hiiragi's mom asked as her son sat at the breakfast table, his focus on everything except the food which was by now probably cold.
"Yeah," he nodded and continued to look around.
"Hiiragi." She sighed, tiredly "Is everything okay?"
"No." He said almost immediately. What was the point of lying to her anyways? "I'm not okay."
"I'm sorry…" she apologized but this time Hiiragi didn't respond.
He couldn't focus for the entire day. He would lose track of time and accidently end up staring at the wall for ten minutes straight.
He wasn't sure if that was normal to do in his situation but it was highly unlikely.
It's not like he knew.
Tired of the world around him, he put on his earbuds and let the sound of music carry him away.
He wasn't exactly sure when he exited the house, but by the time fifth song was playing he found himself at the park. He found himself at the park he and Shizusumi often visited. It was one of those places that looked like nothing special to many people, but to Hiiragi it was a special place he would often visit with his boyfriend...because this was a place where they had their first kiss.
The weird feeling of nostalgia hit him unexpectedly and never in his life did he wish for time to travel to be possible more than he did now. He would give everything up just for those days to come back. The days that were filled with soft kisses, gentle touches and happy memories.
Even though it wasn't so long ago, to Hiiragi it felt like decades. The happier times seemed so distant…
They always say you should look forward, but what exactly are you looking for? Forward is such a strange word because you never know what tomorrow brings. For all you know it might bring the best news ever...but it could also bring the bad things. And Hiiragi was scared- he was scared he would not get his happy ending with Shizusumi. Not like he had any right to complain.
To avoid thinking about his lies he turned away towards his next destination. He wasn't sure what it was but anywhere was good. As long as he avoided this place.
He looked back once just to memorize the sight in front of his eyes a little bit better, despite him being here the hundred times.
Then he turned around and never looked back.
That was the last day Hiiragi visited the spot where he and Shizusumi had their first kiss.
•
1 day until the flight
Nothing major had happened the day before his flight. Hiiragi spent a good amount of his time re-checking if everything was in the right place and eventually helping his mom with stuff.
Around noon, he called Shizusumi to meet up. He wanted to see his boyfriend...one last time.
The spot he has chosen was a fountain in the park, around five minutes from the studio. It was quiet and rather chilly, so not many people visited it.
His heart was beating fast and Hiiragi felt his hands starting to get sweaty. He rubbed them against each other in an attempt to dry them- needless to say it did not work the way he planned.
After around ten minutes of waiting he finally saw his boyfriend approach him. His hands were casually put in the pockets of his jeans.
"Hey," Shizusumi sat down on the fountain next to Hiiragi. "You asked to meet up."
Hiiragi nuzzled into Shizusumi's shoulder and nodded. "I wanted to see you."
Shizusumi didn't reply. Instead he wrapped his arm around the other boy tightly. The warmth of Shizusumi sometimes truly amazed Hiiragi. At the first look he seemed cold, distant and mysterious but once you got to know him you were up to a surprise because Shizusumi Yagi was one of the most caring people Hiiragi has ever met.
He didn't have to say anything...his presence was enough for Hiiragi-
But what when he moves away? What then? Who'll hold him then?
Shizusumi must have noticed the change in his boyfriend's mood and he pulled him closer. After a while he finally spoke, "Something's bothering you."
"Nah." Hiiragi lied, "I'm just very exhausted."
"You should sleep a little bit more."
"I will." Hiiragi mumbled and closed his eyes. It was okay...he and Shizu will be okay- he just had to believe it.
That day was the last time Hiiragi Kashima felt Shizusumi's warm embrace.
•
Day of the flight
"Hiiragi wake up." His mom shooke him lightly, "We're about to head to the train station and then to the airport."
Hiiragi took a deep sigh and nodded. He reached under his pillow and relaxed when he felt the soft texture of paper under his fingertips.
He took the paper and read through it once more, shoving it into his backpack.
Apparently a moving company will ship their stuff overseas so only things they had right now were few suitcases, Hiiragi's bass and two backpacks.
He hated how fast it took him to get ready. How fast was world able to take it all away from him. He took one last look at his house, at his street...the street he grew up in.
The sudden ringing of his phone pulled him up from the depth of his thoughts.
"Who's calling you at 3 am?" His mom stopped in her tracks and looked at her son.
"Mafuyu?" Hiiragi yawned and picked up the phone.
"Hey," Mafuyu spoke immediately, "You're heading to the airport right?"
"Huh?" Hiiragi blinked, "Yeah we're going with the train one way and then make our way towards the airport...why?"
"Uenoyama-kun and I are waiting for you at the train station. "Be quick."
"Wait-" but by the time Hiiragi processed the words that were spoken Mafuyu hung up.
"Did he want something?" Mom Kashima asked.
"He...he said he and his boyfriend are waiting for me."
"Aww." She smiled softly, "Mafuyu has always been a nice guy! And his boyfriend also sounds very sweet."
Hiiragi snorted, "They're snotty little shits." He mumbled under his breath. Thankfully his mom didn't hear him.
Speaking of- it WAS really nice of Mafuyu to show up. And about Uenoyama- he was surprised that the guy actually woke up at 3 am just for him and now he felt guilty.
Soon he and his mom reached the station where Mafuyu and half asleep Uenoyama had been waiting.
Mafuyu got up and rushed to their side. He turned to Hiiragi's mom and asked, "Do you mind if I go with you to the airport? A friend of mine is coming from the tour he had anyways so he'll drive me back. I swear I'll behave."
"Huh?" Hiiragi blinked, "What friend?"
"You know the musician- Murata Ugetsu? He had a tour overseas and is coming back today. I already messaged him."
"Sure!" Hiiragi's mom exclaimed, "Message Hiiragi when you come home so I know you've arrived safely."
"Thank you." Mafuyu bowed.
"Is he going too?" Hiiragi pointed at Uenoyama.
"No." Mafuyu shook his head. "I barely got him out of bed."
Hiiragi rubbed his temple, "You know you didn't have to."
"I wanted to." Uenoyama joined the conversation. "I wanted to thank you for inviting me to play support in your band. It was an experience."
"A good or bad one?"
Uenoyama placed his hand on Hiiragi's shoulder which would under any other circumstances horrify him but at that moment it felt strangely good to feel some comfort. "It was an experience." He repeated and Hiiragi took his word for it.
They said their good-byes and Hiiragi, Mafuyu and his mom got on a train to the airport.
"Say Mafuyu," Hiiragi's mom started a conversation, "How have you been lately? I heard you have also joined a band!"
"Yeah I did." Mafuyu replied kindly, "I'm good thanks for asking."
"Glad to hear that...oh and by the way" she smiled gently, "Thanks for being there for Hiiragi. I know he can be a pain in the ass-" she laughed.
"Mom-"
"It's okay." Mafuyu chuckled and looked at Hiiragi, "He is my best friend and my little sister after all."
•
Color drained off Shizusumi's face and he felt like time stopped. Suddenly nothing mattered.
Teacher's words rang in his ear as the heartbreaking words he wished he could unhear turned into a never-ending echo.
Under other circumstances he would do something. Anything. He would bite his lip, pinch himself, squeeze his fists, anything to make sure this was not some kind of sick nightmare. But at that moment his heart sank and his body felt heavy.
He felt sick...as if he was going to throw up his breakfast he had not so long ago.
The teacher must have noticed her student acting odd because she offered to walk him to the infirmary but Shizusumi declined and got on his feet and before anyone could process what happened or shout at him he was on his way out of school. He jumped from the highest stair on the school's stairway, landing on his feet roughly. He winced as his ankle twisted but due to high pain immunity he somehow managed to keep on running. He ran as fast as he could just to get away.
Painful words still haunted him as his heart beated rapidly.
As much as he didn't want to think about it he simply couldn't stop. He couldn't stop because if his previous experiences taught him anything that's to not run away from your problems and face them head on.
But how could Shizusumi face the fate as rough as his?
How could he face the fact that Hiiragi lied to him.
"You bastard." He said in between breaths.
He kept on running until he eventually reached the subway and if he arrived just ten seconds later he would see the train leave without him. If that were the case he would gladly die on the sight. He wasn't sure when Hiiragi's flight was or if he even still had some time left but that didn't matter.
All he knew was what he picked up from the teacher although he had to admit his brain stopped processing information as soon as she said, "As you may or may not know from today on, one of your now ex classmates Kashima Hiiragi will not be a student at our school." He heard words like airport, flight and overseas and tried putting two and two together which hurt. It didn't hurt only his brain that was still sleepy but also his heart. The heart that has been ripped into million pieces so many times and was still trying to get used to the entire "dating" thing.
However he would feel worse if he didn't even try to get to the airport.
He was angry- for fuck's sake he was pissed. He wanted to shout at Hiiragi for keeping everything a secret. How could he? They didn't even get a proper chance to say goodbye. But after all maybe that's what Hiiragi wanted?
It didn't matter because Shizusumi was going to see him one last time one way or another.
He reached into his pocket, his hand shaking like crazy, and dialed Hiiragi's number. After ringing for some time, connection broke and Hiiragi hung up. Shizusumi let out a frustrated sigh and tried again. And then again...and again until he got tired of his boyfriend hanging up on him. He decided to change up the game and called Mafuyu instead.
After a while a familiar soft voice answered, "Yes Shizu-chan?"
"Where are you? Where is Hiiragi?" Shizusumi snapped, jumping straight into the topic without many thoughts. All he needed to know was the location and he'll get there in a flash. This was not a game.
All of a sudden loud noise appeared in the background. Shizusumi was left to assume what it was although he already had a pretty good idea of what it might be...
"I'm sorry." Mafuyu whispered, "I can't tell you." And just like that Shizu was left hanging with no information.
Boiling with rage he decided to call Uenoyama and unlike the other two he picked up almost immediately.
"Hm?" Guitarist replied in a sleepy tone. "Who is this?"
"It's Shizusumi."
"Ah...What's up?" Uenoyama yawned.
"Do you know where Hiiragi is? Is Mafuyu with him?"
"Oh well…" Shizusumi could hear nervousness in the other boy's voice.
"Just spit it out." Shizusumi's hand tightened around his phone. "I already know I just-" he let out a sigh, "I need someone to confirm it."
"They're at the airport." Uecchi mumbled, "Hiiragi's flight is at 1pm so you have enough time to get there. Mafuyu is indeed with him."
Shizusumi was silent for a while before speaking up, "So was I the only one that didn't know?"
"I'm sorry. He said something along the lines of not wanting anything to change between you two...on his last days-"
"You are saying it as if he's dying." Shizu felt his knees go weak and he threw himself in the empty seat behind him.
Uenoyama was awfully silent on the other side of the line.
"He's not dying right?" Shizusumi shivered, "Last thing I want is to find out he has some deadly disease."
"No...no as far as I know he's healthy it's just- now that I recall he was talking as if he was dying as well."
"That moron...we would visit each other."
"You're not angry at him?" Tone in Uenoyama's voice went from anxious to surprised.
"Of course I am-" Shizusumi almost shouted, "But I'm also let down."
"Yeah...well- My classes are about to start I should go." And with that Shizusumi was left with the beeping sound of his phone once again.
•
"Fuck!" Hiiragi pulled his hair anxiously. "FUCK!"
"Watch your language." His mother pinched his cheek.
"He found out too soon." He whined and whined until Mafuyu, who was tired of his friend's shit, finally got up and slapped him.
"Get a hold of yourself." Mafuyu frowned, "You knew this would have happened eventually."
Hiiragi looked up at him with glassy eyes, "I- Do you still have that letter?"
"Yeah?"
"Gimme it now." Hiiragi pouted.
"Oh?" Mrs. Kashima moved closer, "What letter?"
"It's for Shizu-chan." Mafuyu explained, "Hiiragi wrote it and told me to give it to him as a goodbye."
"Can I have it back?" Hiiragi's hand reached out to grab the letter Mafuyu pulled out of his pocket.
The three of them sat in silence. It felt heavy against Hiiragi's chest and he felt like drowning. He was drowning in his own despair but unlike every other time now he didn't have Shizusumi to calm him down and pull him in his tight embrace.
Hiiragi was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Mafuyu's phone ringing.
He lifted his head up to see what's it all about but the only thing he was able to hear was Mafuyu silently answering with a "Yes?" And ending the conversation with "Mhm."
"Who was it?" Hiiragi fidgeted with his ring.
"Uenoyama-kun." Mafuyu put his phone down, "He said Shizu-chan called him as well."
"Did...did he tell him where we are?"
"Yeah." Mafuyu nodded, "But he told me it sounded like Shizu-chan was already on his way anyways."
Hiiragi let out a frustrated sigh and buried his face in his hands, "Of course he is! Gah- how will I face him??"
Mafuyu slapped him on the back, "You'll do good don't worry."
"How could I not?" A shaky breath escaped Hiiragi's mouth. "I really- REALLY have no idea what I was thinking."
Mafuyu snorted, "Tell me about it. I never know what you're thinking."
Hiiragi buried his face in Mafuyu's shoulder roughly, "Gee thanks."
They stayed like this for a while. They have been friends long enough not to feel awkward during silence like this. People around them were chatting and walking- having the time of their life while the two of them sat in comfortable silence built on the mutual trust. You will never hear Hiiragi Kashima admit, but he was glad he had Mafuyu by his side in rough times like this.
In the meantime Hiiragi's mom bought the three of them tea and some snacks. It brought a small smile on his face and he calmed down a little. He almost forgot his boyfriend was on his way to break his heart.
They still had a few hours before the flight. No doubt about it- Shizusumi was going to come soon. He was just that kind of person.
And he was right...eventually- after about an hour he was there. He was making his way through the crowd to get to his boyfriend, shouting his name.
Mafuyu punched Hiiragi's shoulder, "Go! Do it in peace without me and your mom having to listen."
Hiiragi gulped and got on his feet. The wave of emotions splashed him and if Mafuyu didn't push him he would probably sit right back. He wasn't sure if he ever experienced something as terrifying as this. In a blink of an eye he turned and was suddenly about 100 meters from his mom and Mafuyu. His legs were working on it's own as he walked up to Shizusumi who was standing in the corner.
"H-hey." Hiiragi sucked in his breath, tears already forming in his eyes, "Didn't think I'd see you here."
First thing Shizusumi did was give Hiiragi a bitchass slap which earned him a few concerned stares from the passersby, then he pulled him in the hug so tight he felt like his insides were being squeezed into a smoothie.
"What were you thinking?" The boy's grip tightened and Hiiragi winced.
"I was not." He held back the tears, "I'm sorry."
Shizusumi buried his face in Hiiragi's neck, "You should have told me."
"I-" Hiiragi's breath started to rush and a cough made his way out of his throat making breathing seem impossible.
Shizusumi's red light turned on, "Hiiragi?"
But no response came out of the blonde's mouth. He squeezed Shizusumi's arms trying to catch his breath and Shizusumi himself started to panic.
"Hey, hey-" he reached out and moved Hiiragi's hair from his face, "Look at me I am here!"
Hiiragi choked on a sob and let out a nasty cough, almost throwing up.
"Hiiragi!" Shizu shouted, "Please love- breathe with me!"
But all Hiiragi could see was black. His vision collected of the bunch of black dots jumping left and right. His hands became cold and started to turn a light shade of blue.
Last thing he remembered before passing out was Shizusumi yelling for help and him hitting his head against the wall.
•
"Is he okay?" A familiar soft voice asked.
"Damn...fuck did I scare him?" Another familiar voice spoke, just this time it was deeper.
"My baby boy…" a woman's voice whispered and Hiiragi felt soft fingertips brush against his cheeks.
He moved his hand tiredly and rubbed his eyes gently. For a moment he forgot where he was and a part of him wished it stayed that way just a while longer but as soon as he opened his eyes he was greeted with the face of his mother, Mafuyu and Shizusumi.
"Careful, he woke up." Kashimama held him tightly.
"Where-" he started but Shizusumi interrupted him.
"We're in the bathroom."
Hiiragi looked around and really- he was laying on the ceramic floor with his mom kneeling next to him.
"You passed out." Mafuyu explained.
"I'm sorry…" Shizu rubbed his temple, "Did I scare you?"
Hiiragi bit his lip and looked away, "Mom? How long was I out?"
"For a few minutes. Shizusumi came in holding you and we took proper care immediately."
"Oh...do you mind leaving us alone?"
"Depends. Will you pass out again?"
"Mom-" he groaned.
She chuckled and got up, "Yeah sure. Come after you're done." She turned around, "Come on Mafu-chan!"
"Yeah. Take care of him Shizu-chan." Mafuyu followed Kashimama and walked out.
The air felt heavy again and Hiiragi looked at the floor.
"I'm sorry." He spoke, "It's all my fault I- I should have told you."
"I'm angry." Shizusumi sighed, "You really should have told me."
"I'm sorry…" Hiiragi's voice broke.
"What's here is here. It's not like we can change anything now." Shizu shrugged and wrapped his hand around Hiiragi rubbing his back lightly.
"Will you break up with me?"
Shizusumi was silent for a second before replying, "No."
Hiiragi gasped, "Wait-"
"We'll deal with distance." Shizusumi decided. "Unless you feel like it wouldn't work?"
Hiiragi felt tears roll down his cheek, "I…" he grabbed Shizusumi's other hand, "I think we could make it work."
"Then what's the big deal?"
"I was scared you'd hate me."
"Well I AM really pissed at the moment." Shizu clicked his tongue."
"Agh-" Hiiragi whined, "Forgive me."
Shizu kissed his cheek softly, "You're forgiven."
"I love you...I'm sorry." Hiiragi nuzzled him.
"I love you too Hii," Shizu helped him get up. "Your flight is soon so let's go. I don't want to spend our last hours before you moving away in the airport bathroom."
Hiiragi smiled softly, "Yeah...Yeah you're right."
Shizusumi interlocked their fingers and the two of them walked out of the bathroom. To be honest, Hiiragi couldn't have wished for a better outcome. Yeah he was going to get separated from his one and only, but at least he didn't hate him.
That thought kept Hiiragi going.
Mafuyu stood up when he saw two boys approaching him, "Hiiragi! Shizu-chan!" He rushed to their side and looked at Hiiragi, "Are you feeling better?"
Hiiragi squeezed his boyfriend's hand tightly, "Way better."
"I'm glad." Mafuyu let out a sigh of relief,
"Did you give Shizusumi the letter?" Ms. Kashima walked up to the trio and wrapped her arm around Hiiragi's neck.
"What letter?" Shizu gave Hiiragi a questionable look.
"Oh!" Hiiragi let out of Shizu's hand and pulled out a piece of paper from his jacket, "I almost forgot...this is for you." He put the paper in the drummer's hand gently. "I wrote it for you as a goodbye."
"This is not a forever goodbye." Shizu snorted, "We'll meet again. You can come for holidays and we'll go on late night dates, driving each other in shopping carts just like you always dreamed of...we'll build our future together Hiiragi I promise."
Hiiragi was sure that at that exact moment he fell in love with this incredible guy all over again.
"Thank you…" he whispered.
"And about the band...well we can still make music somehow it can't be that hard-"
"I guess…but now at least you'll have time for your handball club again. You might wanna consider a sports path in life."
"Only path in life I want is one in which we can walk together."
"Shizuuuuuu!!!" Hiiragi whined, "Why so smooth all of a sudden?"
Shizu let out a chuckle, "Gotta show you I can flirt."
"I already knew that." He smiled genuinely.
"Bleh!" Mafuyu made a throwing up noise.
"Shut up!" Hiiragi hissed.
"Hiiragi…" his mom pinched her son's cheek. "It's time for us to move...flight starts in 30 minutes."
"Oh…" he closed his eyes tightly, "Yeah- I get it."
"I'm sorry for taking him away from you." Kashimama turned to Shizusumi, "I never meant to separate you…"
"We'll meet again…" Shizu bowed. "So please don't worry ma'am."
She walked away and grabbed her stuff, "Let's go."
Hiiragi's lip trembled, he turned to Shizusumi for what might have been the last time- "Shizu-"
"It's okay…" he pulled him close in his tight embrace...one last time, "I love you and I'll always love you no matter how big the distance between us is...I'll love you worldwide."
Hiiragi kissed him passionately which made people pass all kinds of feelings- from sadness to happiness to disgust.
They didn't care. They just kept on kissing- and they would keep on kissing if Mafuyu didn't make a coughing sound.
Eventually they pulled away and said their last 'I love you'. Mafuyu and Shizu waved Hiiragi and his mom goodbye. It hurt. It hurt all four of them.
Tears were spilled, hearts broken, and promises made.
Only thing they were able to do now was wait...wait until they meet again…
Because not even distance can break their love. How could it? After everything they have been through it would take more than that to break these two. Their love was simply too strong.
Shizusumi put his hand on the big window from which he could see Hiiragi's plane. He stayed there and watched until the plane left his sight...until it took his favorite person away to the other part of the world.
"Shizu-chan?" Mafuyu tapped the bigger boy's shoulder. "Are you alive?"
"Yeah…" Shizu sighed.
"Come with me. Ugetsu-san will drive us home."
"Who-" Shizusumi turned around to see a young, dark-haired man waving at them and suddenly he recognized him as Murata Ugetsu, famous violin player.
"Mafuyu-chan!" He smiled wide, "I see you have a friend with you."
"Yeah." Mafuyu nodded, "Do you mind giving us both a lift home?"
"Not at all." Ugetsu shrugged, "Let's go Mafuyu and...uh…
"Shizusumi." The drummer spoke and bowed, "Nice to meet you."
"Yeah I am really lovable." Ugetsu chuckled, "Come on now. Why do you look so gloomy?"
"His boyfriend moved away overseas." Mafuyu replied.
"Oh- I'm sorry." Ugetsu bit his lip, "Come on you can tell me all about it on our way home."
And the three of them made their way to the parking lot.
Shizusumi turned back once more...he squeezed the letter Hiiragi gave him tightly and continued walking. What tomorrow will bring remained a question. In just one day he got the love of his life taken away.
However for both his and Hiiragi's sake he had to stay strong and be positive. Shizusumi wasn't exactly known for his positivity, but for Hiiragi he was ready to change that. For Hiiragi he was willing to do anything.
He took a deep breath and turned towards Mafuyu and Ugetsu who were waiting for him.
Maybe today sucked...but if he focused on bad things only he would probably end up depressed, so he looked up and walked up to them.
What was done was done.
There was nothing he could do except look forward.