Chapter Text
Chatter echoed all around before inevitable silence, the panel room was filled with bright and smiling Pastel Palettes fans, eager to get a glimpse through the window between themselves and the band’s lives beyond the stage. Reona sat right in the front row -- she wanted so much to see the girls’ beautiful faces up-close. It was a typical Q&A session; the five angelic idols sat at a table together in front of the audience and took turns answering questions.
“Eve, what is food like in Finland?”
“Aya, are you going to continue pursuing your dreams now that you’ve graduated?”
“Hina, what’s your favorite song you’ve recorded with the band?”
“Maya, do you play puzzle games in your free time?”
Each of them had their own way of answering, and they were all so cute. Miss Eve was thoughtful. Sometimes her Japanese was a bit broken but fans adored how hard she pushed to make her voice heard. Miss Chisato answered any and all questions with ease like a true professional. Even her occasional teasing jabs at the other girls came off as clever, maybe even scripted, but never felt unnatural. Miss Maya had a habit of geeking out and going way too in-depth with her answers, at least until Chisato would have to cut her off. Miss Hina was more spontaneous. Sometimes she’d blurt out answers to questions not even meant for her, and other times she’d ask questions to the audience and be met with confused glances and head scratching.
And of course, nobody could ignore Miss Aya -- so clumsy, stuttering over words sometimes but always trying so hard to seem confident and collected. She wasn’t fooling anyone, but maybe that’s why the fans loved her so much. Her pure passion truly resonated with Reona. She’d even memorized some of the star’s corny poses, sometimes mimicking them in the mirror when nobody was looking. Reona raised her hand, patiently awaiting to be called for a question. When the moderator picked her out, she almost jumped out of her seat. “Miss Aya! If you could pick anywhere, what venue would you most want to perform at?” she asked, making sure her inflection was as cute as possible.
Without a second’s hesitation, she answered, “I’d love to play at Tokyo Dome! Maybe someday we can make that a reality!”
Aya glanced aside toward Miss Hina, but the wild card idol didn’t even need a prompt to join in. “I wanna play on the moon! I wonder how big of a crowd they could fit up there?” Cue laughter from the audience. Those two played off each other well, that much was clear. And Reona was no stranger to online message boards, so it wasn’t too rare to see the occasional slash fics of AyaHina popping up in the recesses of the band’s fandom. While she didn’t want to get caught up in that kind of unsavory speculation, she did have to admit they’d probably make a cute couple. N-not that that’s why she dyed one of her wigs in their colors, no way! That was… for a different reason.
The Q&A continued on as normal until the man sitting right behind Reona got selected for a question. She could almost feel him against her neck. Gross, gross, gross. His voice was raucous, accusatory. “This question is for Aya. Can you confirm the validity of recent rumors regarding you being a crossdresser?” It sent a chill down her spine and all across her arms, she swore her heart stopped for a good couple seconds. Her spirit threatened to leave her skin, and all she could do was watch Aya’s reaction.
“Eh?! Um…” Miss Aya was always upfront about her emotions, even at the worst times. Any fan could sense the sincerity leaking through her every word and gesture -- she wasn’t guarded like Chisato or unpredictable like Hina. So the anxiety in her eyes, the fear and bewilderment on her lips -- they were unmistakable. As Reona shivered in her seat, dead silent, she noticed Aya doing the same. And she couldn’t help but wonder why.
Aya was still squirming in place trying to muster up a response ‘til Hina cut her off. “Haha, are you kidding? Could you even imagine Aya in a suit? She’d never agree to it. I bet she’d look adorable, though!” Hina was always an enigma -- you could never really tell if she was lying or not. On the surface, her answer was a total misunderstanding, but there was a slight chance it was actually a clever deflection. Either way, the audience chuckled along with her. A sigh forced its way from Reona’s gut, and her nerves calmed just a sliver. Still, that man’s breath grazing down the back of her neck pumped fear into her bloodstream.
Chisato took the mic now. “I’d like to remind everyone that we are not responsible for nor will we address any rumors or gossip. Please refrain from asking inappropriate questions.” So cool and collected, of course this was nothing for someone as mature and experienced as her. The man sat back down and his presence faded from Reona’s immediate attention, only lingering behind her like a terrible gnat. Relief pushed itself out as another heavy sigh. It almost felt like the girls were protecting her, in a way.
She sat still through the rest of the panel with an uneasy feeling in her stomach and the paranoia that she was being watched. At the same time, dots connected in her head as Aya’s expression remained devoid of its usual shine. Could it be, could it really be? Miss Aya, of all girls…? The thought of nosy ‘fans’ gossiping about that disgusted her to her core and she already needed to take a shower as soon as she could. Yet cruel as it was, curiosity’s spark had already ignited. She had to know for certain.
To her surprise, Reona spotted a familiar pair of adorable hi-tech kitty-ears on her way outside of the conference hall. Beneath them was her band’s miniature producer in a crimson letterman jacket and plaid blue skirt. “Madame Chu2? Were you waiting for me?”
“Pareo! About time you got out of there. C’mon, I’m walking you home, remember?”
“Ah! I forgot! Sorry to keep you waiting!” She’d been so caught up trying to wrap her head around the rumors that she hadn’t thought about much else, and ended up leaving a good fifteen minutes late. Madame Chu2 seemed only slightly annoyed, but Reona was still disappointed in herself for losing track of priorities. As they headed off, she made sure to walk as closely behind Chu2 as possible so she’d be in perfect range for affection. “Hey Madame Chu2, there’s been something on my mind from the Q&A…”
“Yeah? What is it?”
“I think Miss Aya might be like me.”
“What, a total nerd?”
“No, I mean. Trans.”
Chu2 stopped in her tracks, and Reona just barely managed to stop herself without bumping into her. She turned to face her. “Maruyama? That’s a pretty bold claim. How do you know?”
“It’s just my intuition.” She thought back to the moment things fell into place. Based on that guy’s tone, it was pretty clear he wasn’t asking Miss Aya a lighthearted question about a peculiar hobby. Sure, a female idol with a part-time job as a cosplay butler would be something to note, but that wouldn’t be enough to cause such panic on Aya’s part. If Miss Hina had figured that out, there’s a chance she was protecting her bandmate by turning the question on its head. Which meant it was safe to assume the rumor is true. But if Hina had just been answering cluelessly, the theory goes out the window. Still, Aya’s lightless eyes couldn’t be ignored.
Chu2 leaned back, hands behind hair, her eyes locked with Reona’s. She was an entire head shorter, but her presence demanded a certain level of respect. Well, sometimes. “I hope you’re not thinking of doing something stupid.”
“Well, I do kinda want to know for sure. I don’t really have a plan, though. I can’t just ask her directly. I know too well the kind of stress that’d put on her.”
Madame Chu2 closed her eyes and sighed, solemnly kicking at the ground. It was rare to see this side of her. She usually came off as confident and unwavering, sometimes to a fault. When this kind of vulnerability shines through in private, it was proof of the trust she placed in her most loyal follower. “If this were anyone else, I’d tell you to just give up and say you’re being ridiculous. But I know this means a lot to you. Still, I don’t want you getting yourself hurt again.”
Reona nodded, her heart ached. “I’ll try to be careful. I don’t want to ever return to that dark place.” She placed her arms over Chu2’s shoulders, securely hugging her against her chest. “Thanks, Madame Chu2.”
Chu2 pouted and turned her face away, cheeks clearly red from the side Reona could see. “D-don’t thank me, I’m just saying this because you’re a valuable member of the band!” Still, there was serenity tied to the concern. While her words tried to disguise it, the sincerity in her heart was unquestionable.
Reona found her gaze fixating on every single Pastel Palettes poster sprawled across the cherry-blossom walls of her bedroom. They were the most amazing band ever, five super cute idols who play their own music! In the center of nearly every promotional piece was Miss Aya Maruyama, the pink-haired pop star who always pushed forward toward her dreams without looking back. Aya was an inspiration to everyone, Reona included of course. She searched hard for some kind of hint, but of course nothing turned up. Face-shape and bust-size were hardly clues. Which was a relief, though that didn’t stop strangers from calling Reona ‘sir’ even in her girliest outfits and the absurdly long and vibrant wig.
Yuck. Those thoughts made her skin shudder. She glanced to the mirror in the corner of the room. Now without her stylish pig-tailed wig or any makeup, stuck in her gray night clothes, she could only see a dull mess of black hair and the worn eyes of a young man who she wished so much never existed. He was a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from -- no matter how hard she tried to erase that part of her, he never seemed to go away. And believe her, had she tried.
She threw herself back into bed and squeezed tight onto the Maruyama plushie she had knit for herself. Somehow, the doll gave her a comfort that overrode all else, despite all the cuts it took to make from pins and needles jabbing her fingers. The other four plushies sat atop her bedside shelf, watching over her like guardian angels. A thought crossed her mind -- maybe there’s a way to send Miss Aya a message, something subtle. Of course she couldn’t say it aloud. A gift, something discrete. Maybe if she gave Aya the plushie in her image, but put little pride flag bows on her pigtails? No, that’s a bit much.
As she stared at the ceiling, she recalled another tribute she’d created -- a journal she hadn’t touched in at least a year. Maybe with writing, she could reveal herself in a way only visible to those who truly understood. She rolled to the edge of her bed and, upside-down, dug in the shadows beneath. Her fingertips grazed the familiar vinyl cover, and as soon as she pulled it out, dust flew out from below. She tried to brush it away, but she was left with her nose itching and throat ready to cough up. She coughed, and managed to aim her wheezing right onto the diary’s cover to blow the dust away.
Once her chest recovered, she skimmed through the pages. Inside were months and months worth of short fanfiction pieces about Pastel Palettes and herself. I-It wasn’t anything weird, she swore! Just some lighthearted misadventures with her five heroes.
Weekend Afternoons
On her day off, Eve invited Reona to have tea with her! It was sooo much fun, she’s so nice and always talks to her about how the way of the samurai is to show kindness to all and protect those they care about. She’s so dedicated to her Bushido code, Reona really admires her! And then Maya showed up and they went to the music store, Reona loves listening to her talk so much about all the equipment and stereos and even parts she knows nothing about! When she’s around the Pastel Palettes girls, she always learns something new. “I hope we can be friends forever,” she thought.
Hah, looking back she knew they weren’t good by any means. It almost made her eye twitch just reading it. So embarrassing! But beneath the shame glowing on her cheeks, she could feel a tug on her heartstrings. She flipped through every page and hardly skimmed most of them but just a glance was enough to return to those days. No matter the quality, she needed to write them. It was all she could do to manage this cruel world. An outcast, a freak -- the only thing that kept her going back then were those instances of solitude where she could pretend she had friends.
Secret
Reona came out to Chisato. She was so scared, she thought Chisato would hate her so much. But she didn’t think much of it! “I’ve worked with actors like that. It’s best if you don’t share this, but I’ll have you know that I have nothing but respect and admiration for them.” Reona couldn’t believe what she heard. “Are you sure? You don’t think I’m creepy?” Chisato shook her head. Even behind her fake smile, Reona sensed sincerity within. She was so relieved. And Aya was there too. “Reona, I believe in you! Keep trying your best to be a girl! If anyone can overcome this, it’s you!” She’s so sweet, Reona wanted to cry. What did she do to deserve friends like them?
With nowhere to turn, she had no choice but to make up a safe haven in her own imagination. It was no more than an illusion, and she wasn’t fooling herself. But the feeling that someone out there might accept her was one she clung to, no matter how unrealistic it seemed. And she wasn’t wrong to have hope -- she met Madame Chu2 not long after. Could… could Miss Aya really have gone through that sort of thing too? She turned the page. Teardrops leaked out when she saw the next story’s title.
Heaven
Reona prays every night that someday, some sympathetic god will fix her body and make her right. It’s gotten stronger every day, and hope is starting to fade. “When I die, I hope I’m reborn as the girl I’ve always wanted to be. And at heaven’s gate, you five will welcome me with open arms and wings of love. We’ll soar through skies untouched and create a rainbow from our hearts. Our souls free from the weight of this world, we’ll fly with pride as angels without a master. Shed our feathers upon the living and unshackle the boys and girls of the world, and everyone between and beyond. Or at least, maybe I can find joy in the next life with you. Please, angels, take me away.”
Yeah, this was too much to show anyone. Especially not anyone from the band -- she couldn’t imagine the weight that could place upon a girl like Aya’s shoulders. Memories hit her like a falling star with a bolt of inspiration. A personal letter to her shining hero might be just what she needed to get her message across. She’d have to deliver it herself, and luckily, a meet-and-greet session was scheduled for just a couple days away. Lucky!
Dear Miss Aya,
I was cursed from birth to be someone I’m not. Maybe you know what that’s like? Maybe I’m wrong, but either way, I want you to know that you and the others have helped me so much. Your music, all of your TV specials and your whole journey have been guiding lights as I march toward the future. I’m far-off from being the girl I want to be, but watching Pastel Palettes shine with such wondrous luster has kept me going. Watching you push forward no matter the hurdle, watching you work with all your might has inspired me more than you could ever know. I’m braver now. I chose this name for myself, and now I’m strong enough to introduce myself with it. And I’ve found friends who don’t mind that I’m like this. I want to someday feel proud of the person I am. That day won’t come for a long time, but no matter what, the road there was paved by the strength you lent me.
Sincerely, Reona ⚧
The day of the fanmeet, Reona was more than prepared. Sealed in an envelope labeled ‘For the shining star, Miss Aya’, her letter was safely tucked away inside her bag. She stared at the mirror touching up her concealer one last time and admired the pastel blue and pink stripes of her wig. The rest of her was so alive with color, soft purples and blues and pinks all around her shirt and skirt. Heart filled with cheer, stomach filled with sweets, fists clenched. “You’ve got this, Reona!”
Her confidence began to waver when she actually made it to the fanmeet. Inserting herself into Aya’s line, she felt butterflies fluttering inside her stomach. Come on, come on, hurry. The line wasn’t particularly long and she really didn’t mind waiting most of the time, but her nerves were getting to her as she gripped tight onto the envelope deep within the bag. Better make sure the event staff doesn’t confiscate it. The message she wrote replayed in her mind, her heartbeat raced. It took so much strength to not feel unending shame. She reminded herself again and again; of course it’s embarrassing, but it’s honest.
She awaited her turn. Closer, closer it came. Her legs were shaking and her feet grew numb, but even so, she kept moving forward one step at a time as the line thinned. Before she knew it, there was nobody left between her and Miss Aya. Suddenly all the words she wanted to say vanished from her mind and her legs refused to move. But Miss Aya simply smiled, bright as the sun. Radiant enough to melt her heart. She approached the table. “M-miss Aya, I’m h-happy to see you again!”
“Of course!” Aya beamed and held out her hand. And god, she was gorgeous in her floral pink dress. “I’m always happy to see our longtime supporters!”
Reona’s fingers quivered like frostbite. With one hand, she nervously took Miss Aya’s to shake and was met with a delicate touch unlike any other. With the other, she tried to fish the letter from her bag. It was just between her thumb and index finger, but they refused to cooperate.
While she struggled, Miss Hina’s head popped out from the divider behind Aya. “Aya, I’m going on break now!” But before she could leave, her eyes fixated in Reona’s direction. For a few seconds, she stared blankly, but it felt like an eternity. Reona felt sweat drip from her own forehead as she finally managed to get the envelope out. “Hey, aren’t you the girl from that really zappy woosh-woosh band?”
“U-um, I…”
“Pareo, right?”
“Y-yes, that’s me!” she shouted while her skittish fingers lost their hold on the envelope, dropping it onto the carpet. “Eep!” This whole situation started to seem like a dream, but if she was asleep it could only be a nightmare. As she kneeled down to recover the letter, she half-expected it to self-combust on the spot. Thankfully, it didn’t, so she probably wasn’t dreaming. Phew! “U-uhm, Miss Aya, I w-w-wanted to give you t-t-this.” She held out the envelope and tried to carefully hand it over. But her butterfingers failed her once more, and it landed right in the middle of the table.
Aya took the envelope carefully and giggled. “Thank you! I’ll read it as soon as I can.”
The energy radiating from Miss Aya’s beaming face was overwhelming, not to mention Miss Hina’s sudden excitement directed toward Reona. She promised herself she’d be brave. She promised she wouldn’t cry. But she couldn’t hold it back, all her emotions forced their way out. “I-I know I’ve said this before, but I really l-l-love all of your music! It…” Her voice cracked in every direction as sobs escaped. Dammit, she now realized that she should’ve worn waterproof makeup. She probably looked hideous like this. “It’s helped me s-s-so much! I don’t know where I’d be, or w-who I’d be without you!” Her sobbing was completely out of control, and all she could do was stand there babbling.
“Haha, you and Aya are really alike, Pareo!”
“Hina, hush.” Aya gave her a brief glance of irritation before her expression turned to worry. “Are you okay? Um, can I get you anything?”
“N-no, it’s fine.” Ugh, now she was stressing Miss Aya out. She tried to swiftly wipe teardrops away on her sleeve. She reached across her eyes, and her inner arm got caught on one of her pigtails. Sweeping it back before she noticed, it tugged, yanking the wig out of place onto one side. And as soon as she realized, she felt her heart stop.
Everything around her slowed down, except the beat inside her chest which switched into full throttle. Her worst thoughts caved in on themselves and any joy from the moment before had vanished entirely. An absolute whirlwind of satisfaction and distress, but disgust won out. Absolutely pitiful. “A-ahh! Don’t look!” she squealed, and before she could even think about a proper farewell, her legs were already moving. Sprinting, full panic. The best she could manage was pushing her lopsided wig down, barely succeeding to keep it on her head and struggling to adjust it back to how it should be. Her stomach weighed heavy, her chest heavier, and all that came after was nothing more than a blur.