Chapter Text
She’d had this dream a dozen times before, some variant of a memory. Purgatory was a world cut off from her own, a place she was told would give her the help she needed. Reona lied on a slab of stone that could barely pass as a mattress, staring face-up at the ceiling of stalactites that had gotten too familiar. Walls lined with empty caskets and torches interred in the catacombs, yet shards of light crept in through cracks in the walls and ceiling. Across the chamber from her sat a girl in a black tank-top, ankles chained to the floor, stalagmites entrapping her arms. Her eyes were without life or color, but her mangy red hair shined ever-so-slightly beneath the sunlight. “You’re leaving soon, aren’t you?” she asked, motionless.
“Yeah.”
“What are you gonna do next?”
“Tell my parents. They have a right to know.”
“Tch.” She pulled herself up and broke away some of the stone spikes around her arms. Reona tried to ignore the girl’s penetrating gaze, but she felt it peering into her. “And what if they don’t accept it?”
“I guess I’ll be homeless.”
“It’s not fucking fair. Why is it your fault if you didn’t want to be their son? Why should you suffer for them when you didn’t do anything wrong?”
It was probably the first time anyone asked her something so freeing. She rolled onto her side, returning the red-head’s gaze. “Sorry.”
“No. You have nothing to apologize for.”
There it was again, the strings entrapping her heart came undone. “You said your name was Chiyu?”
Chiyu nodded. “And you’re Reona.”
“I made that up. My actual name is-”
“It doesn’t matter what it was before. You’re Reona, nothing else.”
Her mouth hung wide open, a single teardrop fell from her eye. “I’ve never met someone like you, Chiyu.”
Chiyu sighed, turning toward the cracks in the wall where a window should be. “I’m just fed up with adults who think they know what’s best for us. They don’t really care about how we feel or what we want, they just want us to fill a role that we didn’t even decide on. Like my old man. Fuck ‘em.”
Reona couldn’t look away. Despite her small stature and unkempt appearance, there was a certain beauty about her. Chiyu was so far from the pristine girls she usually idolized, but she had her own kind of radiance. “Once you’re out, it’d be nice to meet again,” Reona whispered solemnly.
Chiyu looked to her once more. She must’ve noticed the awe glued to her face. From across the cavern, Chiyu pointed. “You’ll meet me again. Don’t you dare forget me! I’m gonna change the world someday!”
Reona couldn’t help but giggle. Now she had something to look forward to, besides idol concerts. Reona truly wondered what the world Chiyu envisioned might look like. “Then I wanna see it from the front row.”
Today Reona drowned herself in monochrome, unable to bear the shame from yesterday’s pastel disaster. At Chu2’s tower-top studio, she tried to fixate solely on the keys at her fingertips during practice. Her keyboard created a symphony of solitude. Even playing in tandem with her bandmates, she heard only her own sound, her own soul. But it couldn’t completely wash away the memories of yesterday.
“Pareo, too aggressive. You’re off tempo,” Layer said.
“Sorry.” It felt as if the others were a realm apart, and Lock’s absence that afternoon only widened the gap between them. The humiliation she’d suffered by her own hands weighed heavily on her heart, but she didn’t want to tell anyone else. Best to not burden them with something so worthless.
Suddenly the studio’s door shifted open and Lock, still dressed in her school uniform, entered inside. “Sorry I’m late! I got held up talking to someone after school.”
Following her into the studio was an unexpected guest in a cerulean beanie. Someone Reona was nowhere near ready to face: the notorious guitarist-slash-idol, Miss Hina Hikawa, wearing an emerald coat and blue jeans. “Heya! I’m looking for Pareo!” She quickly threw her head in Reona’s direction. “Found her!”
Reona’s hands clammerred. She tried to set them on her keyboard, but even the gentle keys failed to calm her. And the unsteady heartbeat from yesterday was back. “What are you doing here?” she wanted so badly to ask. But when she opened her mouth, nothing. No sound at all.
“Hikawa!” Madame Chu2 shouted. “This is our private studio. Abscond!”
Hina either didn’t hear her or pretended not to, instead running directly to Reona. Looming above from the other side of her keyboard, she spoke. “Aya and I read your letter last night. It was so beautiful, even I was moved!”
By now, Reona was prepared for Hina to drag her through the mud and spit on her face, all while laughing about how disgusting she truly was. What she wasn’t prepared for was a heartfelt compliment that ignored everything she had been ashamed of. “Y-you… read it?” Hear head felt fuzzy, but her chest felt oddly warm. “Why?”
“I was just looking over Aya’s shoulder when she was reading it. You wouldn’t believe how much she bawled afterwards!” There was a huge grin glued to Hina’s face, unusually earnest, almost loving. Empathetic, perhaps? “As for me, look!” She rolled up her left sleeve to reveal a bracelet made of yarn. Striped across it was a pattern of honey yellow, pure white, lavender purple, and pitch black.
That distinct combination of colors felt oddly familiar. She tried for a few seconds to recall where she’d seen it before, and her mind soon conjured the image of a certain pride flag. The pieces clicked together. It was the symbol for those who weren’t men or women, those who were both, and everyone in-between. Without even thinking, she let out the loudest gasp possible. “You’re…!”
“Yup!” Hina nodded, her grin grew wider.
Now she was embarrassed for a totally different reason, and at the same time, exuberant. “S-so, you understood what I meant in the letter?”
She nodded again. “Of course! Aya really wanted to talk to you again, too.” Hina turned around, glimpsing at each other member of Raise A Suilen as if to ask for approval. “Do you mind if we borrow her for a bit?” Hina was quite the wild card. One minute she’ll laugh when it’s totally inappropriate, but the next minute she’ll sweep girls off their feet? What a mystery.
Nobody had any problems with Hina’s request. Nobody except Madame Chu2, that is. “Objection!” She marched to the keyboard and pointed her finger at Hina. “I’m not sure you noticed, but we’re in the middle of practice. You can’t just come marching in here and tell us to stop everything on a whim!”
“M-madame Chu2, I really don’t mind…”
Chu2 ignored Reona’s plea and continued spewing complaints, though Hina didn’t seem to pay them any mind. “Honestly! Did you even consider that she might decline? Did you just expect us to hand her over? Like we were just gonna agree to anything you ask, just because you’re an idol or whatever?!”
She refused to relent. Reona recognized this reaction -- Chu2 wasn’t usually one for aimless ranting or condescension. Sure, she could be rude, but she only acted like this when she was genuinely scared. “Chiyu,” Reona spoke sternly.
Chiyu fell silent, then looked down to her feet. Carefully, she lifted her gaze once more and looked directly into Reona’s eyes. “Are you sure you can trust her?”
Reona shook her head. “I don’t know. But you can’t change my mind. I want to hear what Miss Aya has to say.”
Chiyu exhaled, her deepest worry wrapped the air around Reona. Like a gentle hand atop her own. “I’m coming with, just to be safe.”
Reona turned to Hina. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah, no problem!”
The three of them soon found themselves inside an elevator going down to the lobby. Chiyu stood silently, though Reona could tell she was watching Hina carefully with a stare of distrust. Meanwhile, Reona decided to chat with the enigmatic idol. “I like your bracelet.”
“Thanks! Aya made it for me after I came out. My sister helped, too!”
It seemed more likely than ever that Miss Aya really was the same as Reona, but it was so difficult to imagine. Regardless, it was reassuring to hear that Hina didn’t need to hide her true colors around Aya. It was rare to hear anything about an idol’s personal beliefs or feelings, so every new revelation eased the anxiety. Yet it was still so surreal, almost too sweet to be true. “Why did you come here?”
“Like I said, Aya really wanted to talk to you. I think she could tell what you were going through, even before she read what you wrote. She wanted to chase after you but Chisato told her not to. And she’s probably right, it’s not safe to run after every fan who cries in front of you! But…” The elevator came to a halt and the doors slid open. Hina turned back and winked. “I think we can make an exception in this case.”
Bathed in sunset, the beautiful Miss Aya Maruyama awaited at the nearby park. She was dressed in an elegant cream-color sweater hanging just off her shoulders and a cute violet pleated-skirt. Wrapped over her shoulders was a pastel-colored flag of blue and pink stripes, with one huge white strip in the middle. She held her arms above and the flag flew across her back, graceful wings of heaven. Like an angel, soaring free. Hina ran to her side and left a kiss on her cheek, and she gave another in return. A special bond never illuminated by stage-lights, never more than whispers in the dark. Before Reona’s eyes, the stars above fell to Earth as humans, no more or less than any others.
Chiyu stood behind, still observing. Reona couldn’t imagine what she might be thinking. However, her scowling expression seemed to soften up in the twilight.
Aya extended her hand out, inviting Reona to take it. As much as she wanted to accept, her whole body clammed up. “It’s okay,” Aya’s eyes filled with melancholy. “I know the rumors make it seem like I’m deceiving everyone. They treat me like I’m a trespasser for following my dream. I guess I should expect as much.” Her radiant aura overflowed, entangling everyone in its radius. The cool autumn air was nothing compared to her. Even Chiyu couldn’t look away. She looked so tranquil, yet the desire to let her emotions spill everywhere was plain as day. “But I don’t care. I’m not ashamed of myself anymore. And you shouldn’t be, either, Reona.”
“It’s true then?” Words got caught in Reona’s throat. She clenched her fists, trying to break through the fear that held her back. “You’re my hero.”
Aya blushed, fingers squirming with shy pride. “Haha, I’m flattered.” Her smile radiated with the light of a blazing star. “Honestly, I wondered about it all the time. If anyone like me was out there, watching our live shows and everything. It’s hard to be a girl like this, I’ve always wondered if there was anything I could do for people like you. Like us.” Serene, she shut her eyes. “I know I can be pretty selfish sometimes. But I’m so happy to know that all of my work could help someone else.”
“I’m not sure I even would’ve realized who I was if it weren’t for you, or if I’d even made it through all the grief and torment. Pastel Palettes helped me so much along the way.”
“We really are alike. That’s how I was, too. It started when I was still little, I saw a Marmalade special on TV and after that, I always wanted to be one of those beautiful girls up on the stage. Especially Ayumi! She’s so pretty, I always strived to be like her.”
This blissful feeling of connection was something brand new. Yet there was something Reona couldn’t ignore, the dread that pressed her soft spots everyday. “Don’t you ever get scared?”
Aya shook her head, water leaking through her eyes. “Of course I get scared. If my voice ever cracks or if I ever don’t shave well enough, that could be it for my career, or even my life. That’s terrifying.” She wiped away the tears with her fingertips, so delicate, her smile unwavering. Then latched one arm around Hina’s. “But I won’t let that stop me. I’ve learned to stand on my own two feet, and I’ve got a wonderful partner who watches my back. And so many other friends, even friends who are like me and you. I’m stronger now, just like you -- brave enough to reach out my hand.” And so once more, she did.
Without a moment’s hesitation, Reona took it. Her touch was different than before. The weight was weak, but her grip steadfast. “You really are amazing, Miss Aya,” she wanted to say, but those words weren’t enough. So she did all she could to express: held on, with all her might.
“I know it’s going to come up sooner or later, but I’m not ready to be honest with everyone just yet. Even if the agency was okay with it. But…” Her palm, still locked with Reona’s, began to shake. Her voice shook, too, and gentle teardrops fell without cease. “I-it’s just so wonderful to know that all this time, someone was watching! If I could give you hope, I’m satisfied!”
The complete humanity of Aya Maruyama was a sight to behold. Reona couldn’t hold back the tears anymore herself, and stumbled forward. Aya hugged her close. She wasn’t ashamed now. Here and now, they were equals -- just two girls finding solace in each other’s embrace against a harsh world.
“It’s so hard sometimes, but I’m so glad I can be me! I’m so glad we get to embrace who we are!” Aya bawled.
Reona buried her sobs into the angel’s hair. “You absolute goddess! You inspire me every single day of my life!” Together they basked in the sun’s fading light. Two angels caressing beneath dusk, she could feel wings grow in her heart and soar to skies without restraint.
“Ahem!” Chiyu cleared her throat, approaching Reona from behind. “After what I’ve witnessed, I’ll admit that I misjudged the both of you.” Her tone tried to disguise it, but she couldn’t hide that she was crying, too. “But don’t think this means I forgive you!”
“Come on Chu2, let’s join in!” Hina scooped Chiyu close and threw the both of them over Reona’s shoulders. Heavy! But welcome, loving. Reona truly wondered what she did to deserve this bliss.
Their warmth converged for minutes until tears dried up and they all broke off. They split back into respective pairs, ready to part ways. But before they could leave, Hina suggested, “Hey! Why don’t we exchange LINE IDs?”
“Eh?!” Reona jumped back and squirmed. “I-isn’t that off-limits? Fans aren’t supposed to have personal information like that, right?”
“Fans?!” she chuckled. “You’re not just our fan, you know? Think of yourselves as our friends, both of you!” The four of them fumbled around with their phones for a couple minutes. Even Chiyu must’ve been too exhausted to protest, and they soon had the idol duo’s contact info plugged in. And in exchange, Aya and Hina had theirs.
By the time the couple ran off into the distance, the stars poked holes through the sky. Reona watched until they left her sight, content with an exhilarating day of honesty and trust. Chiyu stayed by her side, her demeanor completely disfigured from the harsh glares she’d been shooting earlier.
Reona had fallen from grace at heaven’s gate, but rose once more to purgatory’s peak. Now she walked this earth, her queen of hearts at her side. Divinity abandoned, angels walked alongside her. Their whispers in the wind drove her along, so that someday, somehow, she might all live free from the shadows of the world. Though paradise may be elsewhere, there was surely a brighter future in a world reborn.
“Pareo. I mean, Reona,” Chiyu addressed her, headphones hung around her neck.
“What is it, Chiyu?” She met her eye-to-eye. Just for now, she would speak to her not as her loyal follower, but as her best friend. Or perhaps something more.
“There are some things about you I might never understand. Even if we’re both… nevermind.”
“I know,” Reona giggled, peaceful. She looked to the stars above. “I want to change the world, too. For you and me, and both of them. And Lock and Layer and Masking, even Hanazono and everyone else. If I could create a world in which none of us had to get hurt, then I think I’d be happy.”
Chiyu was left without words. Instead, in an unexpected gesture, she held tight onto Reona’s side, her face against her chest. Chiyu’s grip on her cardigan sleeve was unbreakable. As Reona held her friend between her arms, she could see starlight glimmer in her hair. This feeling, her heartbeat off-rhythm and her stomach filled with ease, was surely one she’d cherish forever. There was a link between them that neither could grasp in its entirety, a kinship neither had felt in the cold of their childhoods. But deep in their hearts, they must’ve known it was love.