Chapter Text
Hongjoong gave a tiny gasp of surprise when he saw the name of the restaurant flash through the windscreen of Seonghwa’s car. He put his hands on the dash, leaning as far forward as his seat belt would allow, mouth hanging open and eyes wide.
“Hwa… this is…” he doesn't finish his sentence but runs a self conscious hand over his fuzzy green jacket and grey pants.
Seonghwa chuckled softly.
When he had told Hongjoong to dress up, he hadn't told him where they were going.
The restaurant was fancy but not so fancy that they were under dressed. Seonghwa was still in the button down and slacks he had worn to school that morning.
“Hwa this is- I don't know what to say.” Hongjoong turned to face Seonghwa as they pulled into the parking space. His eyes glitter with excitement and gratitude but the hint of unease made Seonghwa pause.
“Baby, thank you for the effort but you don't have to force yourself” Hongjoong said.
Seonghwa turned to him and took his hands, kissing the peaks of his knuckles before whispering “I want to do this Joongie. I want to be better for you.” He’d been thinking alot about it for the past few weeks as he watched Yeonjun take Hongjoong out on dates and hold his hand when the nine of them went out to pubs or clubs. Seonghwa wanted that and he had to start somewhere.
“You're already perfect.” Hongjoong countered “I promise i'm okay with takeout.”
“But I'm not” Seonghwa folded his arms over his chest. He didn't mean to be stubborn but he’d been planning this forever. He spent half an hour with Mingi that morning trying to find a good day to night shirt and he had Wooyoung colour his hair that weekend. He wanted this but Hongjoong’s apprehension was giving him anxiety.
“I've already booked a reservation. I've had this planned for weeks” Seonghwa said.
Hongjoong still looked unsure but he gave Seonghwa a tentative smile before climbing out of the car.
Seonghwa walked around the car, took his hand and he could see the building excitement on his boyfriend’s face as they walked toward the front doors.
The host greeted them warmly and took them to the table Seonghwa had spent weeks trying to book. He handed them their menus and smiled as he walked away and Seonghwa felt emboldened.
He held Hongjoong’s hand sweeping his fingers over the peaks and Hongjoong absolutely beams. Everything was perfect.
“So what's the occasion?” Hongjoong asked
“No occasion. You deserve special for no reason.” Seonghwa said because it's the truth. He loved Hongjoong more than anyone could comprehend and he needed to show it more often. He couldnt spend the rest of his life hiding it.
“You're gonna make Yeonjun jealous” Hongjoong laughed then turned to his menu flicking through the pages with a smile still present on his lips.
Seonghwa looked around the restaurant noting how brightly it was lit. It was a little too bright for his taste and he hated the feeling that everyone could see him. Like there was a spotlight on him and Hongjoong specifically, but he had promised himself that he’d do this.
“Hi I’m Jooha and I’ll be your server today” Seonghwa startled as the waitress appeared in front of them “Are you ready to order?”
Hongjoong smiled up at her and gave his order. They got caught up in conversation as she comments on Hongjoong’s hair and his fuzzy jacket and the two of them speak for a while. Seonghwa hadn't really looked at the menu, too busy trying to calm his nerves and racing heart. Sweat beaded in his hairline and he was suddenly not hungry anymore in fact he was nauseous.
“And you?” The waitress asked, pen poised over her paper, waiting for an answer.
He had not heard what Hongjoong ordered but he held out two fingers to the waitress signalling that he’d like two of whatever Hongjoong had ordered.
The girl smiled at them then walked off to the kitchen.
“Relax babe. You're wound so tightly” Hongjoog commented, pulling Seonghwa’s hand into his over the table.
Seonghwa took a deep breath, held it then released it slowly.
He could do this. The waitress and Host were nice. They had to know he and Hongjoong were a couple but they didn't scorn them, in fact they were very pleasant.
“How was school today?” Hongjoong asked.
“It was fine. Nothing really happens this early in the term. I have a new class though.” Seonghwa answered, trying to immerse himself in conversation.
“New cute little girls to crush on you.” Hongjoong smirked
“ None of them will ever be as cute as you Joongie,” Seonghwa said, pulling Hongjoong’s knuckles to his lips.
Someone cleared their throat loudly.
Across from them a group of three older women sat whispering to each other and staring daggers at Seonghwa and Hongjoong.
“Ignore them babe” Hongjoong said with a roll of his eyes.
And Seonghwa tried. He turned back to the table and picked at the bread rolls. He spoke to Hongjoong about his new paintings and Yeonjun’s upcoming trip to London. He did all he could to ignore the ladies but everytime he caught a glimpse of their disapproving faces he felt his heart skip a beat.
Their food finally arrived and the smell of the creamy shrimp and pasta sent Seonghwa’s stomach rolling.
“I’ll be right back” he whispered
“What? Hwa… don't leave me here.” Hongjoong protested but Seonghwa couldn't stay. If he stayed he would throw up at that table and cause an even bigger scene.
He stumbled into the toilets breathing heavily as he tried to stop the racing of his heart and the trembling of his fingers.
He shook out his numb hands willing blood back into the cold tips.
He was so frustrated with himself. What if the women weren't looking at him at all? What if it was all in his head and he was embarrassing Hongjoong for nothing.
Seonghwa splashed water on his face to get rid of the sweat pouring over his forehead then hastily dried himself and headed back toward the dining area.
“Ive been looking for you.” one of the old women was waiting for him at the end of the hall. She pushed away from the wall walking briskly toward him with a wagging finger.
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Homosexuals are disgusting!”
Seonghwa stumbled back, knocking into the wall painfully but the woman advanced and the closer she got the louder she became.
“If my son ever did something like this I'd be ashamed to show my face in public. His dead father would roll over in his grave. Imagine carrying my son for nine months and giving him a good life only for him to turn around and spit in my face” her voice trembled as she put her hand to her chest.
The words seemed to grow arms and legs kicking and punching Seonghwa like physical things. He couldnt get a breath in to counter her. He didnt even know if he would even if he could breathe. It was a bad idea to go out in public. Hongjoong had told him they could go elsewhere and he’d been too stubborn to listen.
Seonghwa shouldered past the woman and he heard her cry out as their shoulders made contact.
“Help. this fucking fagot is assaulting me!” she screamed.
Seonghwa headed back toward his table but found it empty when he got there. The bill laying in the centre of their untouched food was paid and all their belongings were gone.
“Sir?” a bruly security guard walked over to him holding his hands out “i'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises”
“What? Why?”
“You and your… um… boyfriend were making the other patrons uncomfortable.”
Of course.
Seonghwa nodded and walked out of the restaurant catching the sympathetic glace from the host as he went.
Hongjoong was already standing next to the car, arms wrapped around himself as he huddled into his jacket.
“Joong”
“Lets just go Seonghwa”
“Joongie” Seonghwa tried again.
“I told you not to fucking leave me. Do you know how embarrassing that was? To have the whole restaurant watch my boyfriend leave and these nasty old ladies tear me a new one for being there with you?” Hongjoong didn't wait for an answer. He opened the car, sat inside and buckled up waiting for Seonghwa to take them home.
Seonghwa blinked back the tears brimming in his eyes. His head was pounding now. The stress was starting to take its toll but he needed to get Hongjoong home.
He drove as steadily as he could to accommodate his aching head and rolling stomach but he still tried to be quick because he could tell Hongjoong was a ticking time bomb. The road swirled and blurred as his anxiety rocketed up a few notches. His hands shook on the steering wheel and he tightened his grip, willing the Friday night traffic to move so that he could get home.
After twenty agonising minutes Seonghwa pulled into his parking spot and Hongjoong stormed out of the car and up the stairs.
Seonghwa dropped his head onto the steering wheel and let the tears he’d been holding flow.
He felt sick.
He hated himself.
He wanted so badly to move on.
After standing up to his father he thought that he was over this part of his life. The weeks with Hongjoong and Yeonjun had been so progressive that he forgot that he could get this bad.
Seonghwa dried his eyes and lumbered out of the car and up the stairs. His body suddenly felt ten times as heavy as it should be. His vision blurred until it whited out and he could tell that his body was finding his apartment by muscle memory alone because he had no brain functions within himself to execute a single turn.
He fell through the doorway, crashing through the shoe rack and onto the floor, numb arms doing nothing to break his fall.
He didn't bother to pick himself up. He didn't want to get up.
“Fuck. Hwa?”
Someone was calling him, shaking his shoulders and slapping his face but Seonghwa was exhausted, far too exhausted to face what had happened that night.
—--
As soon as Seonghwa came to his senses he wished he hadn't.
Yeonjun was looking down at him stroking his hair while Mingi squeezed life back into his fingers.
“You with us?” Mingi asked
Seonghwa sighed “Is Joong okay?”
“He’s just embarrassed” Yeonjun answered
“I fucked up. I left him there” Seonghwa sighed
“You were freaking out babe, its okay. He’ll get over it” Mingi said “how long have you been starving off an attack for it to get this bad?”
“I… I don't know. I was anxious about the whole thing but then this horrible old lady cornered me when I came out of the bathroom and… i don't know… now i have a headache” Just having his eyes open was almost excruciating.
“Joongie knows you're trying Hwa. give him a second to calm down okay?” Yeonjun said softly but Mingi scoffed.
“This is a fucking two way street. He can't expect Hwa to be okay with this after one try. He wasn't very patent at all”
“You cant blame him, Mingi. Those women were horrible” Seonghwa propped his arms behind him and sat up. His head was still swimming but he noticed that they were in Mingi’s room.
“Like hell I cant blame him. No offence Yeonjun but Seonghwa has been fighting tooth and nail to keep Hongjoong and he isn't willing to give an inch of patience? Hwa doesn't deserve this”
Seonghwa couldnt contribute to the discussion. He was still reeling from the night and his head was killing him.
“You should stay here and ill be sure to speak to Hongjoong about this” Yeonjun said.
“Haven't you done enough for their relationship?” Mingi quipped
“Mingi. That's not fair”
“Yeosang will agree with me. You all are a walking disaster of a throple.”
“And that is none of any of your business. I dont get involved with any of your disastrous love lives so keep your noses out of mine!”
Seonghwa instantly regretted shouting, not only for his aching head but for the hurt and offended look on Mingi’s face.
“Okay. fine. I'll stay out of it, but don't expect me to cut you down when we find you swinging by the neck again”
With that Mingi left.
Yeonjun gave an embarrassed shrug and left behind him.
Seonghwa let his body fall back into the bed. He was tired.
Tired of trying so hard for nothing and he wished he could be enough for Hongjoong but he knew he wasn't so even if they were a disastrous throple he’d do it for as long as Hongjoong wanted it.
Even if that meant fighting the urge to hurt himself all over again.