Chapter Text
Dean leaned back in his plastic chair and took a long, well deserved breath of fresh air.
The sun shined perfectly overhead, covered only by the occasional cloud. The water was still enough that he could see every fish in the lake, daring to take a brave peek for any food that might be drifting along.
He had already caught one fish already, and it was only a matter of time before he would catch another. Hopefully, he could cook it the right way so that Sam would be willing to eat it with him. Fish were healthy, right? Sam would still eat it if he knew Dean had caught it for him. He had to.
The stupid jerk stopped letting Dean cook for him as often, even though they had the perfect kitchen now. Dean’s cooking only got better by each passing day. Sam should have been thrilled to finally have consistent well rounded meals that his big brother made for him but no. Sam had to go on eating that damn rabbit food and had started criticizing everything Dean made.
Dean would have cooked for Cas, but the bastard was off doing who knew what. Dean tried to check in with him every now and again, but it felt like he was bothering him every time. Cas always seemed to have something better to do than to spend any time with him.
And didn’t that make him sound annoying. “Hey, I know the world is always ending, but do you wanna hang out and let me cook for you even though you can’t eat?”
Stupid. That’s what it was.
The thought entered his mind and it only made him feel worse than he already felt.
Then, it was gone. Unreachable, like he had set it down and instantly forgot where he put it.
Why was he even so mad in the first place?
The fish became startled in the pond, stirring up the mud making it appear more and more murky. The once beautiful crystal clear water became too dark to see.
“Wha–” Dean said once he finally noticed. “God damn it.” He set his fishing pole down and groaned, giving up catching anything else. Sam could have his stupid rabbit food. Dean would just have to grab something on the way home.
A gentle breeze calmed his nerves. Despite the setback, it was still a beautiful day.
“You’re not happy?” Cas asked, suddenly appearing from behind. Dean didn’t jump. He was used to Cas appearing in his dreams. Actually, it was a welcome change.
The sun seemed to shine brighter, the grass became as soft as a blanket, and the birds chirped cheerfully somewhere in the trees.
The lake, however, remained disturbed.
“Yes… no… I don’t know. I just needed a break,” Dean shrugged, feeling far more relaxed than before.
“From what?” Cas asked in that same sort of tone he always did.
Dean waved his hand generally in the air. “You know. Everything. It’s healthy to take a break every now and again. We don’t get this chance very often. Got to grab it when we can.”
Cas hummed and walked over to stand next to him, and Dean smiled even brighter.
Together, they observed the scenery. So perfect and serene. Nothing could bother them there.
Why was Dean so mad again?
“You seem more quiet than usual,” Cas finally pointed out. “Not that this isn’t a welcome change, but I thought I’d find you looking for a case or with your brother.”
“Yeah, well there are no cases and my brother is pissing me off at the moment,” Dean shrugged. “Not much else to do.”
“Oh? What’s he done now?”
“Being a brat. You know, normal little brother stuff.” Dean stretches his arms above his head. “But whatever. What have you been up to?” His eyes glance up at Cas’ then quickly back to the unnaturally dark lake.
A matching plastic chair appeared next to Dean and Cas sat next to him. “The same. Hunting Lucifer has been…” Cas sighs in defeat. “It’s gone as well as you think it has. I’ve been trying every angle, but no dice.”
“Well, if you actually let us help you then you might have an easier time,” Dean grumbled. “Funny how that works.”
The water rippled. Something was beneath the surface.
But everything was perfect. Sammy was off doing… something. But Cas was there with him.
So, why was he so mad?
Castiel shook his head. “It’s my problem. I don’t want to put either of you in any danger.”
“All we do is danger, Cas. You know that. You can’t run into these things on your own.” Dean still didn’t look at him. Instead, he glared at the water and picked up his fishing pole again, fully determined to catch something to take his frustrations out on.
“I’m an angel, Dean. I’m in less danger than you are.”
“That stopped being an excuse a long time ago,” Dean snapped. “You’re not the immortal all powerful being you think you are.”
Castiel tilted his head. “Is that what you think? You think I'm weak?”
“That’s not what I said! God damn it, Cas, don’t put words in my mouth. I–” Dean groaned in frustration. “I can’t–” Something bit the hook and Dean started to reel it in. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
Why was he so mad? Everything was fine.
“Don’t shut me out,” Cas sighed. “You’re upset. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.”
“That’s fucking rich coming from you.” Dean stood so he could get better balance. “You don’t know jack shit.”
“Dean–”
“Don’t, Dean, me,” he mocked in Cas’ voice. “You can’t go no contact and then pop back up with your tail between your legs acting like I’m the one who’s broken.”
He’s not supposed to be angry about that. Cas was right there. He wasn’t supposed to scare him off again. If Cas left again Dean would be…
Dean couldn’t remember why he was so mad.
The fish was stronger than him. He made a noise of frustration and tried pulling as hard as he could, but his hands were slipping. “God damn it!”
Warm hands wrapped around his own and pulled while Dean kept reigning it in. Finally, he saw the fish flop out of the water, struggling in the air. It looked perfect for Sammy. Hopefully he would appreciate all the effort they put into getting it for him.
If Sam didn’t want it, he could make it for Cas. He might like how the molecules taste. That was something to look forward to at least.
Dean grinned as he took it off the hook and properly stowed it away. “Thanks.”
Cas smiled easily back at him and put a hand on his shoulder. Dean felt some tension slip away. It wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. “Dean,” he said gently. “What’s really wrong?”
The hunter opened his mouth and then let out a long breath of air. “It’s nothing. Forget it.”
Cas took his hand away but his gaze never left. “Come on. Let me in. You can tell me.”
Dean wanted to tell him. He wanted so badly to open up. To yell, to scream, to cry. Something to let his friend understand what was going on inside his mind, but the truth was he wasn’t so sure himself anymore. “I… no. It’s stupid. Forget it.”
Cas looked at him sadly, but nodded and helped him pack some of the fishing supplies and take them to the impala. He stood patiently by the truck while Dean started to load everything in. “If I tell you something, do you promise not to… make fun of me?”
“Uh, yeah man,” Dean replied awkwardly.
“I feel powerless. I don’t know what to do anymore. My brothers and sisters are terrified of me and don’t want my help. If they were brave enough, they would try to kill me on sight. I don’t have the privilege of annoying little brothers like you. They are too… confused for that. But, your heart is big enough that you would catch fish for yours.” Cas patted the cooler with fondness.
“You have us though,” Dean argued. “Why do you think I’m so frustrated that you just ran off?”
No, he’s not mad about that. Cas isn’t gone. He’s right in front of him.
“Is that why?” Castiel stepped closer, classically into his personal space. Dean did not step away. “You have to let me in. You have to tell me.”
“I… Cas, I can’t.”
“It’s a shame. You say we are family, but family needs to trust each other. We have to take care of one another. You are hurting. I am hurting. I need your help. I can’t help my family without you. I can’t help anyone without you. Don’t you feel the same?” Cas asked more urgently. “Why are you so upset?”
Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times, then looked away, unable to meet Cas’ eyes anymore. “I–”
Boldly, Cas tenderly grabbed Dean’s chin and guided it back so that he could meet his eyes again.
The world changed.
Clouds covered the sun, the birds stopped chirping, and the breeze was suddenly too cold.
Dean wasn’t mad. He was heartbroken.
“I– I miss you. I care about you. If you get hurt again, if you die again… Cas, I don’t know what I would do.” Dean didn’t expect the tears to start gathering in the corner of his eyes. “You have to let us help you, or just check in more. I don’t know, I–”
Cas’ hand moved so that it cupped his face. Dean thought it was strange, Cas had never been so forward before. But he wasn’t going to stop him, no one else was around to see them anyway. His heart was beating hard in his chest so loudly that he was sure the angel could hear him.
“I’ll stay,” Cas said, so softly that if Dean’s full attention wasn’t on him he wouldn’t have been able to hear it. Even so, the world around them seemed to have gone completely silent to give them their moment of privacy. Nothing else existed except for the two of them. “Is that what you want?”
Dean pictured it in his mind. The simple thought of waking up in the morning and knowing Cas was there…
It was better than any damn moment of peace he could think of.
“Yes.” A tear fell, and Cas wiped it away with his thumb.
Cas tilted his head, his eyes so gentle and blue, that Dean couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. “If I knocked on your door, would you answer for me? Even after everything I did?”
“Yes,” Dean put his hand on top of his, never wanting to let go. If Cas left again, he wasn’t sure what he would do.
Finally, Cas smiled gently, lovingly and Dean wondered what it would be like to open his eyes in the morning and have Cas’ eyes be the first thing he sees.
“Would you let me in, Dean?”
Dean didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“Thank you, Dean,” he said lovingly. Their lips were too close. Dean should have pushed him away. But this was a dream, and no one was there to watch them. “I’ll find you when you wake up. I promise.”
Before their lips could meet, Dean awoke in his motel bed feeling like he had just done something very, very wrong.