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Eddie feels the warmth of the sunrays that are falling through the blinds of his bedroom window and tries to peel his eyes open. After a brief moment of disorientation, the sound of Buck humming in the kitchen brings him back to reality.
Right. He is no longer in El Paso and it’s taking some getting used to hearing the house be alive in the mornings. Not that the liveliness is a bad thing, on the contrary, it makes Eddie want to actually get out of bed.
So that is what he does. With a slight groan of exhaustion from unpacking the last of his stuff yesterday, he lifts himself off’ the bed and starts heading towards the closet. When he opens it, he sees the button-ups that he carelessly threw into it the day before. He groans again, out of annoyance this time, because the sight of the shirts fills him with dread. Yes, he had left El Paso with Chris, but it didn’t go smoothly. Like, at all.
He’d fought with his parents before (obviously, I mean, these are Helena and Ramon Diaz we’re talking about), but not quite like this. He would say that the ‘undertone’ of their argument didn’t sit right with him, but let’s be honest, it wasn’t an undertone at all. His mom was quite clear on what she thought about the situation and more importantly, about him.
He’d had a conversation with Chris the day before the fight, finally, after months of trying to communicate with him but the effort inevitably getting blocked by his parents (he suspected they were trying to throw a wrench in the works but never knew for sure).
They talked about the incident back in LA. It was painful, but necessary. Chris deserved an explanation to why Eddie had screwed things up so royally, and he tried to answer his kid’s questions as best as he could. Because if he’s being honest, sometimes he doesn’t quite know why he did what he did, but he did it and now has to deal with the consequences.
They spoke for a while, going back and forward, sharing experiences and feelings with each other. It was difficult, but Eddie was mostly relieved they were having this conversation at all. In his time down in Texas, they had barely spoken. For obvious reasons he didn’t believe that it was all Chris’ doing. Sure, the first few months he seemed really pissed with his dad, rightfully so, but after that, he almost seemed…hesitant to reach out. Not out of anger, but something else entirely.
And yes, he felt (and saw) the glances his parents gave him when they were speaking in person or on facetime. They were always hovering around them like vultures, waiting for Eddie to say something that they could turn against him for their benefit, like they were slowly trying to chip away every bit of confidence Eddie had left in him.
His parents’ tactic had almost worked. Almost.
While talking with Chris, the kid started recounting memories they had together in LA. The Christmases with the entire 118, how his dad had repeatedly tried (and failed) to become a better cook (much to Chris’ enjoyment, messed up dinner meant ordering pizza) and most importantly, the days he had spent with Buck. And wow, Chris really could not shut up about the man. Not that Eddie complained of course.
Even he could not ignore the massive hole that Buck had left in his heart when he had to go to El Paso. He missed the fun facts, the breakfasts during long shifts and mostly just his company, really. Because that’s the thing, Eddie couldn’t care less about what Buck was doing while they were hanging out, he was always just glad that he was there at all. He could listen for hours to all the niche rabbit holes that his best friend had fallen down at 4am when he couldn’t sleep during shifts. He loved the sound of Bucks voice, the way his face lit up completely when Eddie expressed interest in the topic at hand (he always does, I mean how can he not) and the way his hands moved around erratically while trying to explain something.
Thinking about it made him blush. For no reason, of course. Because they were friends. Friends that share a kid, and now a house. Friends who facetime every hour of the day when they’re apart.
Anyways, Chris had recounted all of these things with him, because he was leading up to telling his dad that he wanted to come home. This surprised Eddie a little bit, but it was a pleasant surprise, of course. Chris expressed that he missed his old life, his friends, but mostly his family, the 118, and Buck.
(That’s really all the positive things that happened in Texas. Shit could only go downhill from here, and it did.)
So, back to the fight with his parents. Obviously he hadn’t looked forward to telling them that he was leaving, and that he was taking Chris with him. Which sounds ridiculous, really, when you think about it. His parents getting mad that he wants to take his son home.
This is the reason that Eddie wasn’t surprised at his mother’s reaction when he told her the news. She was furious, yelling at him, accusing him of ‘disrupting Chris’ life’, as if his life wasn’t in LA, with his dad and people who actually cared about him.
And then something else happened. His mom started making pointed remarks at Eddie and his ‘lifestyle’ back in LA. And he really, truly did not know what she meant by that, until she started bringing up Buck. Because of course she did.
She started throwing accusations around. About how Buck was a bad influence on Chris and how Eddie ‘really shouldn’t let him come around the house, in case, you know, he might confuse Chris and negatively impact him.’
Then he understood. Eddie rarely gets verbally angry with his parents, but this made him snap. He felt the anger from the past years (and his whole life, really) rise and rise, until it boiled over. The option of biting his tongue and ignoring the insults that were thrown at him went out of the window the moment she brought Buck, his best friend, into this conversation.
Because he knew what this was about.
In second grade, Eddie became friends with a boy. They were inseparable. Over the years they grew closer and closer. When he was with him, Eddie felt something he couldn’t explain. He learned from his parents and the church that he should never look for an explanation. Even when the confusion inside him kept growing, he didn’t want to disappoint or disobey his parents or their priest. He should not question these feelings. And for years he didn’t. Recently though, they’ve been getting harder to ignore. He still thinks about his old ‘ friend’ sometimes, and how it could’ve been different. But he also knows there is no use in staying stuck in the past, whatever comfort or regret it might bring.
His mom’s shrill voice shakes him out of his thoughts. He misses the first half of her sentence.
“…-and this is why I didn’t want you near Chris. That Buck of yours has only ever brought back those horrible feelings in you. And now I know it for sure. Don’t even try to deny it! You know that I’ve spent years and years, since you were a child, ever since that cursed boy came into your life, praying that you would turn out normal? That my child surely wouldn’t be a sinner, that he would dispel these demons from his head and from his heart? I’ve only ever wanted the best for you! But it looks like all my efforts have been in vain.”
Stunned from the stream of words that just left his mother’s mouth, he stands frozen in place. If he wasn’t so damn devastated by what was just said, he would laugh at the absurdity of those sentences.
“I told Chris he would be better off here, that his dad was too unfit and unstable to care for him. I didn’t tell him that in those exact words of course, we wouldn’t want the boy to get suspicious now, would we? He loves you too much, I had to make sure he believed it.”
Oh. My. God.
“Jesus.” He sees the irony there in his choice of words. “That’s why he started calling less? That’s why you were so controlling when I could finally speak to him? I was terrified that my child was pissed off with me in a way I couldn’t fix, but all this time it was you?”
If he didn’t know any better, he would think that his mother looked smug.
Eddie tries to compose his thoughts, tries to control the words that will come out of his mouth, careful to not give Helena any more leverage in this conversation. During this process, he decided he was done. He couldn’t take these verbal beatings and degrading comments anymore. He was leaving.
He started walking towards the door when his mom caught up with what he was doing and the anger returned to her face.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she shrieks at him.
Eddie doesn’t respond and tries to reach for the doorknob. His mother steps in front of him before he can exit the house.
“Edmundo! You owe me an ex-“ she starts.
Eddie steps back and points a finger at her. “No. That is your problem, I don’t owe you shit! You seriously just expect me to keep tolerating your intolerance? To keep accepting that you’ll never accept me? To deal with the fact that my own mother says such vile things about me and my family? Who tries to keep my son from me? Maybe 10 years ago you would’ve gotten away with this again, mom. But not anymore. I’m done with you. I’m done with El Paso, with this place and what it represents to me.”
His mom steps out of the way and Eddie opens the door, turning around one more time.
“You know, I really believed you could change. That you would change. If not for me, then for Chris. But now I see you’re not capable of change at all. You and this place will always be the same. Stuck in time; filled with prejudice and control.”
He catches the shocked look on Helena Diaz’ face before closing the door on her for good.
A couple of weeks later he still can’t believe he said all of that to a woman he had once been so afraid of. But he did. And now he and his son are back where they belong.
Back to his shirts. He grabs a random one and gets dressed before heading towards the comforting sound of Buck’s humming. He already feels a little lighter.
“Look who’s decided to grace us with his presence!” Buck jokes loudly while he winks at Eddie. He feels a blush creeping up his face.
“Yeah, yeah.” he sighs with a smile as he looks into Buck’s twinkling eyes.
“You didn’t have to do all of this, you know.” Eddie says while he sits down at his place at the table, next to Chris. There is a stack of pancakes on his plate waiting for him. Eddie has always had a sweet tooth.
“Of course I had to. You know, to welcome my boys back home.” Buck smiles a little sadly. The sincerity of Buck’s voice almost makes Eddie cry.
His boys.
They spent the entirety of breakfast catching up with each other. Chris tells lengthy stories about his time in Texas. Eddie tries not to be endeared by the frown that forms on Buck’s face every time Eddie’s parents and their treatment of Chris get mentioned. Next to the belittling that he had to endure, Eddie’s parents also made sure that he was dependent on them; taking his crutches, making sure he doesn’t have a bus pass, so on and so forth. Eddie was enraged when Chris had so casually told him all this, days before. He was never more sure of his decision to leave all of it behind.
Every now and then, when Buck is clearly angry, he glances over to the other side of the table, silently checking in with Eddie. He gives him little nods.
When they’re done, both men clean the table and sit down on the couch. As Buck sits down, Eddie catches him wincing.
“You know I’ve offered the bed more than once now, right?” he says, (unconsciously) using his dad voice.
Buck lets out a chuckle of recognition. “I don’t want you to sleep on the couch man. I can handle it.” This statement is followed up by pained grunt while he tries to find a comfortable sitting position, deciding to put his sore leg up on the coffee table.
Eddie raises an eyebrow at him.
Feeling a little brave, he says: “You know that the bed has space for two people, right?”
The chuckle that leaves Buck’s mouth is nervous this time. Uh oh, he might’ve overstepped.
“I’m all good, I promise. Plus, I probably won’t be in your hair much longer. I’ve started looking at some apartments online.” He looks away from Eddie, seeming almost ashamed.
Eddie can feel himself frowning again.
“You know you can stay here for as long as you’d like, right? Chris and I really like having you around.”
Buck is still not looking at him. His fingers are tightly gripping the blankets that he slept under. A moment passes before he looks up at Eddie.
“I just feel like I can’t stay here forever you know? You’ll probably be okay with it for now, but god knows I get on everyone’s nerves after a while. I don’t want to do that to you or Chris.” Buck tries to go for a light delivery. Eddie can see right through the façade.
A little stumped, Eddie doesn’t know what to say and just kind of, sits there. Buck apparently takes this as his queue to leave and stands up, a somewhat sad expression on his face. Eddie tries to start a sentence, but when he turns around, Buck is already gone.
When Eddie rises the next morning, Buck is already gone off to work. He wonders if he had angered Buck the evening before. Lost in thought, he gets dressed. As he walks into the kitchen, he spots a plate of baked goods on the counter with a note from Buck. Eddie feels a warmth fill his chest as he unwraps the plastic that cover the pastries. He is willing to ignore the fact that in a probable rush, Buck had turned their kitchen into a warzone. Eddie is nothing if not forgiving, though.
After about half an hour or so, when Eddie has just finished eating, he hears Chris coming out of his room. Eddie prepares Chris’ breakfast while pouring himself a cup of coffee. He sits down at the table and pushes his kids’ plate towards him.
Sensing the vibe shift, Chris looks up from his phone, head tilting in question. A bit of tension leaves Eddie’s body, he couldn’t hide anything from Chris even if he’d try.
“Uh hey bud, you know that when we left Abuela and Abuelo’s house things were a little, ehm, tense? And I didn’t want to talk about it?” Chris gives him a nod.
“I think I’m ready to talk about it now, if it’s okay with you?”
Chris doesn’t say anything, so Eddie continues:
“Your Abuela and I had an argument before we left. About you going back to LA with me. She didn’t think I was fit to be your parent. They thought that they could take better care of you.”
Chris looks confused. “Why?”
“They uhm…Your Abuela made some nasty comments about Buck. And me.” Eddie looks at the table, picking at the grains of the wood. “To be honest, they’ve always thought something was ‘off’ about me. Ever since I was a kid, they’ve been sneaking comments and hints into conversations. They made me stop talking to someone because of it, made me quit hobbies I loved, made me go to confession more than the other kids.” He blinks away tears. “When you went to them, I was so scared they’d do the same thing to you. Turns out they did, just in a different way.”
“I’m sorry dad, I didn’t know. I never would’ve gone if I knew. I mean, I’d still be pissed at you of course” he looks down for a moment brows furrowed in anger. “I honestly didn’t even know how bad they were treating me until I started listing all the things they did. And now with this…” He looks at Eddie. His hands are slightly shaking. “Thanks for telling me and giving me a choice. But my mind is already made up.” He tries to shake the anger off’ his face. After a couple of seconds, he flashes Eddie a signature Chris smile. Eddie returns the smile.
“You’re allowed to change your mind anytime, okay bud? I don’t want to keep you from them, but I also can’t lie and say I like how they are around you.”
“I won’t change my mind dad” Eddie leans over and ruffles Chris’ hair. He gets a playful grimace in return. “And you know I love you no matter what right? So would Buck.” he casts a careful but warm look Eddie’s way.
Eddie wipes the now fully formed tears from his face.
“I know Chris. Thank you. Same goes for you, you know that right? I was never angry with you; I was just so worried.”
Chris nods.
“While we’re on the topic, Buck looks a bit sad these days, don’t you think?” Chris asks.
Eddie sighs. “He does. It’s about him wanting to move out. Let me rephrase that, he thinks that he has to move out. He is scared that we’ll grow tired of him. I’ve told him we won’t, but he doesn’t allow himself to believe it.”
Eddie can see the cogs turning in Chris’ head.
“Maybe we should let him know in a different way. Actions instead of words. Or whatever.”
Eddie snickers. “What do you propose then? Oh, wise one?”
Chris doesn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, typing away on his phone, clearly coming up with a plan. After a while, he turns his phone screen around so that his dad can read along. There is a list and a couple of websites are open in the background, Chris switching between them. “What do you think?”
“We should start with something small, so he doesn’t get suspicious and think we’re taking pity on him. Hmm. How about…” Eddie squints as he reads the words off’ the screen. Is he old enough yet for reading glasses?
“We could make him breakfast tomorrow morning. Might be tricky though, it kind of varies with Buck whether he is a light or heavy sleeper and I’ll probably, inevitably, make a lot of noise. Guess I’ll need you to help.” Eddie jokes. Chris nods in agreement, smiling.
“Buck has been talking my ears off about foxes lately, maybe we can get him something fox-related? Like a plushie or a book?” Chris asks.
“That’s a great idea bud, I know he’s been eyeing a specific recipe book as well, we could combine the two? A plushie and a book? We could try to bake one of the recipes for him, so he has a nice treat when he comes home. Well, nice, lets see first if we don’t burn the house down. I think I’ve used that oven for baking exactly two times.” This elicits a laugh out of Chris.
“I’ve baked a ton with Buck before dad, I’ll supervise you.” And then in a whisper he adds “like Buck told me to.” He chuckles.
“I heard that!” Eddie lets out a full-bodied laugh. Man, he doesn’t know how he survived all those weeks without Chris. I mean, he barely did.
“Well then, the plan is in motion.” Eddie smiles.
Buck wakes up the next day to the clinking of bowls and careful whispers. Eddie and Chris must be in the kitchen. Shit, did he oversleep? Surely not, he made sure to check his alarm three separate times yesterday before bed.
As his eyes try to adjust to the light, he reaches over to his phone. After a couple of tries, he finds it. 6 am. An hour until shift, so what’s all the noise in the kitchen about?
He sits up carefully, making sure not to move his leg in a way that he might feel for the rest of the day. “Gmorning” he rasps.
Eddie and Chris both turn to him, sticking their heads around the corner.
“Sorry” they say in unison.
God the sun is bright. He can feel a headache coming.
“Whatdya guys doin?” his voice still sounding like he swallowed gravel. He makes a move to try to stand up.
“No, no. You stay put sleeping beauty.” Eddie jokes. Buck tries to laugh it off, hoping no one can see the blush slowly creeping up to his face. He puts his hands up in defeat.
“Alright, alright. Don’t shoot.”
Eddie chuckles as he and Chris grab the plate and a mug off’ the counter. Eddie glows in the sunlight, a warm smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. They set the food and drink down onto the coffee table. Theres an array of food on the plate. The pancakes have a smiley drawn onto them with maple syrup.
Buck winces in pain as he sits up. He catches Eddie briefly frowning before the smile returns to his face, a bit forced this time. Next to the food, Buck sees the shape of one of his painkillers on his plate. Eddie must’ve just slipped it on.
“Thanks guys, you really didn’t have to” buck says softly.
Eddie shakes his head in dismissal. “We wanted to. Plus, Chris couldn’t wait to show you what he has learned from you.” Eddie looks from Chris to Buck.
“Whatever you do, don’t eat the pancakes” Chris fake whispers. Eddie fakes a look of hurt. “Hey, I tried really hard on those!” Chris giggles. Buck can’t supress a smile.
While he’s eating, Eddie is quietly cleaning up in the kitchen and Chris is getting ready for school. He saves the pancakes for last, feeling weirdly comforted by their smiles.
When he’s done, he brings his pate and mug to the kitchen. Unknowingly, he touches the small of Eddie’s back as he passes. He can feel the other man stiffen. Buck furrows his brow in confusion. He can feel the awkwardness in the air and contemplates saying something to break the silence when Eddie starts: “I’ve already packed your bag, it’s in the hallway. I hope it’s the right stuff; I just chucked whatever was still in the drawers and the shower in there.” He doesn’t look at Buck, seeming really focused on the plate he’s been scrubbing for the last five minutes.
“Thanks” Buck says while putting the clean dishes back into the cupboard. He walks over to Eddie, who is still not facing him, and puts his hand on his shoulder. He lets it slide down Eddie’s arm, trying to get him to look at Buck. Eddie turns around, face lightly flushed.
“I’ll be back at 7, anything you wanna eat?” he smiles.
“I-uh. I think I’ve got that covered. For tonight.”
Buck doesn’t mind Eddie ordering takeout for dinner, especially tonight. He can tell by the weather that it’s going to be a long shift. But still, cooking might get him to take his mind off’ things.
Buck tilts his head in question. “You sure?”
Eddie nods. “See you tonight” he manages to get out.
Buck lets go of Eddie’s arm and walks past him into the hallway. He spots his bags laying by the door. When he opens them, he sees his clothes and toiletries neatly arranged. On the top rest some snacks. Seems like Buck and Eddie have got a different definition of ‘chucking’. He feels a smile forming as he zips his bag shut and heads out the door.
When he hears the door shut, Eddie steadies himself by gripping the counter. He feels like it could crack at any moment from the force. Warmth blossoms in his chest; he doesn’t know how long he can keep ignoring these feelings.
It takes a while for Eddie to safely make it out of the kitchen.
Even before he opens the door, Buck can smell the food in the air.
Once he steps inside, he gets greeted by Eddie wearing an…apron? Buck lets out a huff of a laugh and greets him back.
“What are you doing?” he grins.
“Uh, cooking? I’m literally wearing an apron like you always tell me to.” Eddie raises his eyebrow playfully.
“Are you sure? It actually smells good here. Are you hiding a chef somewhere in the kitchen?” he jokes while he tries to look over Eddie’s shoulder.
“Ha-ha. No, I used one of the million cookbooks you are cluttering my countertops and cabinets with.” Eddie deadpans.
Buck laughs again. He follows Eddie to the kitchen. Next to the savoury smell, he feels like he can also smell something sweet. He can’t see anything of the sort though, so it might be nothing.
“Thought it might be nice, having dinner, just the two of us. It’s been a while.” Eddie smiles while returning to his pots and pans. Buck catches him opening a cabinet and shoving a plate into it, like he’s trying to hide something. He grabs two plates and puts the food on it. He places both on the table, shoving one in Bucks direction, opposite to where Eddie sits.
The scraping of knives and forks echo through the kitchen, along with pleasant conversation. The clean up once they’re done eating. While they wash the dishes, Buck can’t stop glancing over at Eddie. He will miss this.
When Buck wakes, Christopher is already off to school. His shift starts later today, last minute stand-in for one of his colleagues on the B-shift. He can hear Eddie doing the dishes in the kitchen, quietly humming to himself. Buck closes his eyes again, feeling a warmth wash over him. He doesn’t want to disrupt the moment; he likes seeing Eddie comfortable.
He really needs to get going though, so he reopens his eyes and carefully sits up. The couch creaks and Eddie stops humming. He pokes his head around the corner.
“Good morning, sleep well?” he smiles softly. The warmth in Buck’s chest doesn’t go away.
Buck nods sleepily. He wipes his eyes and yawns, shirt riding up a little. When Eddie comes into focus, Buck catches him looking away.
He stands up from the couch, joining Eddie in the kitchen. There’s a plate of baked goods on the counter with a post-it on it containing a smiley face. Buck smiles to himself.
“You made this?” he gestures to the cookies decorated with an array of coloured frosting.
“Uh yeah, Chris and I did, actually. Yesterday when he came back from school. When I picked him up, we drove by the store to get this” He points to a cookbook laying on the opposite side of the counter. “You’ve been eyeing this one so we thought we should get it for you and try a recipe.” He smiles. “With Chris’ supervision of course.” He jokes.
Buck knows it’s a small gesture, but it makes him a bit emotional nonetheless. He blinks his eyes as he looks from the plate, to the cookbook, to Eddie.
“That’s really sweet, thank you.” Even though he’s blinking a hundred times a minute, he still feels tears prickling in his eyes. Wanting to lift the mood he says: “If I throw up during shift, I know who to blame.”
If Eddie notices that Buck is trying to distract him from the tears in his eyes, he doesn’t mention it. The smile hasn’t left Eddie’s face since Buck woke up. It suits him.
Buck walks toward the cookbook, flipping through it. Right at the start of the book, is a fox themed bookmark. There’s a little doodle from Chris on an orange post-it next to it. A tiny fox plush, small enough to be a keychain, sits on the counter to his left. He smiles to himself, but can’t help but notice a peculiar feeling sneaking up on him. He shakes his head frowning a little.
Buck thinks he might have an inkling to what’s going on here. He looks at Eddie. “Eds, I really appreciate that you’re doing all of this, yesterday too, really, but there is something I need to talk to you about.” He closes the book and picks at his cuticles, a nervous habit he should seriously drop. His fingers are sore, like, all the time.
Eddie looks suddenly very pale. “I wasn’t trying to- “ he starts before Buck interrupts him.
“I-I have a viewing tomorrow. Pretty early actually, 8 in the morning. It’s a very popular apartment. And honestly, I think it might be the perfect one for me.” He looks down again, not wanting to see the disappointment in Eddie’s eyes, scared that he might be imagining it. No need to give himself false hope.
Eddie looks taken aback. “Oh. I-yeah-uhm. Okay.”
“Okay?” Buck looks at Eddie and lifts his eyebrows.
“I mean- Buck. I don’t know how many times I have to tell or show you that you’re more than welcome here. I just- I wish you could believe me when I say it.” He looks defeated. Buck can’t blame him. As much as he would like to believe him, he just can’t risk it. He can’t.
Buck doesn’t want to be having this conversation anymore. He looks at his watch. If he leaves for shift now, he will be way too early, but honestly, he’d rather be anywhere than here right now. He doesn’t want to start doubting his decision. So he stands up, grabs his bags and heads for the front door. It’s for his own good.
“I’m sorry.”
He closes the door behind him. A little too hard.
Eddie stands alone in the kitchen with bright cookies mocking him.
When the morning light and chirping birds wake him the next day, Eddie can feel warmth radiating from something on his right side. Now that he thinks about it, he can feel warmth everywhere. He groans as he peels his eyes open, not fully awake yet.
He looks down and sees the situation he is in. Limbs are everywhere, an arm across his chest, a leg wrapped around his. They weren’t his. They weren’t his? Okay, he is very awake now. He looks to his right. Buck is sprawled out on the bed, his mouth open and snoring softly. His curls are messy and still a bit damp with sweat, draped over his forehead. Must’ve laid down directly after shift; he can still make out a faint smell of smoke. He smiles softly as he brushes some of Buck’s hair out of his face. A feeling he can’t place settles in his chest.
He glances at his alarm clock, 6:15 am. Way too early for him to be getting up. And to be honest, he is kind of comfortable right now. He blinks a few times as tiredness washes over him. It wouldn’t hurt to close his eyes a little while longer.
The first thing Buck feels when waking up is a weight on his chest. Actual, literal weight. Confused, he slowly opens his eyes. There, on his chest, rests Eddie’s head. And arm. Oh god.
Yesterday’s shift was a rough one, mentally and physically. Because of severe fatigue and a sore leg, he decided that he couldn’t make it all the way to the admittedly uncomfortable (sorry Eddie) couch. Although, he supposes that he is to blame for the lumpy couch that is way too hard for anyone’s ass to be on for more than 5 minutes. Or seconds. Eddie had got rid of his, so this was a temporary solution.
But that’s beside the point. He is currently in bed with Eddie, a situation which he has tried, for reasons he doesn’t want to think about, to avoid the last couple of weeks.
Eddie, who has most certainly just woken up. Buck can feel the man go stiff and still next to him. Fuuuuuuuck. He has screwed this up. Even though he knows Eddie is awake, he tries to untangle their limbs as carefully as possible, scared that if he moved too much or too quickly, he would break the spell that was seemingly cast between them, the one where they don’t acknowledge anything about their current predicament (now or ever).
He doesn’t dare to look behind him when he exits the bedroom, still limping. He isn’t looking forward to not talking about this with Eddie for the next however long it takes for him to find a place and move out. Shit. Looks like the kitchen is going to be his best friend before he is off to the viewing. Again.
When he wakes the bed is cold. He is cold. He takes a peek at his alarm clock, not for the first time today he realizes. 8.30 am. Buck must’ve left already. He feels horrible about this morning. He should’ve done something about their ‘ situation’ when he woke up the first time around. Now he feels as if he has done even more damage to this already fragile thing they have going on at the moment.
He rises, gets dressed and heads for the kitchen. Like so many days these past weeks, he is greeted with a gigantic plate of the sweetest pastries on earth (just how Eddie likes them, they can’t possibly be good for his blood sugar). While he’s eating, he is silently wishing that Buck would never leave.
Buck has visited god knows how many apartments now and none of them seem right. Even when they do, he comes up with some excuse; the door is the wrong colour, the windows are too small, the floor is creaky, you name it. It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks, going between long shifts (without Eddie, who is waiting to be reinstated) and house viewings after. As much as he would hate to move out, especially after these lovely couple of days, he tells himself that it’s the only option where Eddie doesn’t get sick of him. The ‘incident’ of this morning made it clear to him.
So here he is, once again, at another mediocre apartment.
The estate agent gives him a tour around the apartment. Buck won’t lie; it’s the perfect house. The rooms are spacious, the balcony has a nice view and the price is agreeable. Still, there’s something gnawing at him. Something he has felt at every viewing so far.
“So, what do you think? Ready to bid?” the agent asks enthusiastically.
Buck looks around. His face must be showing his doubt.
“I’ve shown you around multiple houses, houses which might I add are some of the best on the market right now, yet every time you seem uninterested. Did I get your preferences wrong? We can look over those again if you’d wish. What is it exactly that you’re looking for?” She asks, not unkindly.
Buck stops looking around the room and focuses on the agent.
“I’m sorry, I know the apartments are pretty much perfect, it’s-it’s just…I don’t know. They don’t feel right, if that makes sense.” The agent nods. Buck starts looking around again.
Everywhere he looks, he can see the ghosts of the Diaz’ house. This apartment kind of has the same layout, which is probably why he picked it he realizes. However, the shoes are missing at the front door, the laughter is missing in the kitchen and the pictures are missing on the walls. Without all these things, the house just becomes an empty shell. Shit. That’s what all the houses and apartments have been missing; Eddie and Chris.
He knows he won’t allow himself to stay with them any longer, but he also knows he will miss Chris’s loud voice in the mornings, his colourful stories at dinner, picking him up from school if needed. He will miss seeing Eddie everywhere, waking Buck with a smile, driving him home after a rough shift, sitting across from him at the dinner table. Smiling. Buck can picture the glint in his eyes; the smile lines that are finally forming there. The lift of the corners of his mouth.
The feeling that has been present for the last couple of weeks, or if he’s honest, the entire time he’s know Eddie, returns to him. He is trying to pick at his cuticles again, when his fingers are blocked by a band aid he put on this morning. They were laying on the counter when he woke. He can’t hide anything from Eddie even if he’d try.
He feels himself smile. The feeling is becoming dizzying. He grabs onto the closest chair, feeling the world spin around him. Fuck. How come he only realises now? All of these little acts Eddie has been displaying for years. He knows Buck. Really knows him. How could he be so stupid to want to move away from that? He can finally put a name on what he’s been feeling all this time, love.
He ignores the agent, who is repeatedly asking if he’s okay and dashes out the door. Time to go home.
Even before Buck sticks his key into the lock, he can hear the Diaz boys loudly conversing with each other. He realises he is already smiling. God, he is so done for.
Once he has stepped inside, he is immediately greeted by a smell of something burning. He rushes to the kitchen to find what can only be described as a severely embarrassed Eddie and a cackling Christopher. They notice his presence.
“You arrived just in time, save us!” Chris laughs.
“Oh my. I thought that I’d told you not to let him near a stove ever again” Buck says, a large smile forming on his face.
“Hey you two are teaming up against me, not fair! I cooked something half decent yesterday. Did you move all the utensils or something this morning? I had already put the pan on the stove, but I couldn’t find any of the things I needed. Thanks for that, by the way. So technically I didn’t burn anything. Yet.” Eddie grins.
“And you think that makes it better? Plus, I feel like I’ve cooked more in this house the last couple of weeks than you have in your years of living here. Feels only fair I get to decide where everything goes, no?” Buck raises a playful eyebrow at him. The shade of red on Eddie’s face deepens.
“This is just another reason you should stay Buck. If you don’t, I’ll be in serious danger. And not to mention very hungry.” Christopher jokes.
The smile on Buck’s face drops ever so slightly. Eddie catches it and tries to intervene. Before he can say anything, Buck starts: “Ehm, that’s actually something I wanted to discuss with your dad, Chris. I’ve decided to stay, if that’s alright with you.”
Buck thinks that he’s never seen Chris smile so hard. It fills his chest with warmth. Man, he loves this kid to bits and pieces.
Eddie has been over the moon ever since Buck has told them he is staying. They’re on the couch now, Chris went to bed about an hour ago, still smiling from the news. The TV is on, but neither of the two men are paying attention to what’s playing.
Eddie turns to Buck.
“Hey, uhm. You know that I’m happy you’re staying, right? It’s not just Chris.” Buck looks at him with caution. “We actually made a, uh, plan last week. To try to get you to stay” he says bashfully. A small smile forms on Buck’s face and Eddie catches him relaxing a little, the tension in his own body ever present.
“So, I was right to be suspicious. You were trying to butter me up Diaz?” Buck says playfully. Eddie has to look away, afraid he might combust if he looked into Buck’s eyes a second longer.
Buck must think that he is uncomfortable, which technically he is but not in a negative way, because he immediately tries to backtrack.
“I didn’t mean- I just- “
Eddie turns again. “Hey, it’s okay.” A nervous laugh escapes his mouth. “I-I guess I was, yeah.” He must look like a tomato by now. God, this is not helping.
A confused look takes over Buck’s face.
“Sorry, this is a difficult conversation for me. You remember when I told you about the fight I had with my parents, more specifically the one with my mom?”
Buck nods, not wanting to push but still curious. “Yeah, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to Eddie. I know your parents can be a pain in the ass. All those stories Chris told us made me want to punch a hole into the wall. Or their faces. Just kidding. Unless you want me to of course.”
Eddie chuckles. “Yeah. Uhm, it was something different this time though. Well, I guess not that different. I’ve always known that this particular fight was inevitable. It has sort of been the undertone for all the fights we’ve ever had.” He that feels his eyes are starting to sting. Fuck, he can’t cry now. On the other hand, it’s Buck.
He looks down for a moment, only to notice the worry in Buck’s eyes when he meets them again. Buck places a careful hand on his shoulder in encouragement and support.
“They kept Chris from me Buck. They told him I was unfit and that it was better for the both of us if they kept him there. You know why they thought that?” he says angrily. “It’s- I’m- fuck.” He feels his anxiety trying to take a hold of him. He lets out a shuddering breath.
“It’s okay, take your time” Buck says, softly.
“When I was young, I had a friend. We we’re really close. Too close for my parent’s comfort. And for the church’s comfort, I guess. My parents forced me to stop speaking to him. It was years later that I found out why.” Tears are running along his cheeks. “All this time, I shoved these feelings I couldn’t explain down, and then everything with Shannon happened, and I guess I just tried to forget about it. After all, I loved a woman. And I really did, Buck. Just not the way God wanted me to.”
He is full on shaking now. He can see that Buck’s eyes are getting glassy. He doesn’t think he has ever seen such devastation in his eyes. Eddie has to look down again. He takes a moment to collect himself before he continues.
“Anyways, my mom was giving me a bunch of shit because I told her I was taking Chris back home. Then she started talking about you. You should’ve heard the things she said Buck, god, I just got so angry with her. And it finally dawned on me; all my life she has detested me because she thought I was-“ He still couldn’t say it. He had never said it out loud before, and he was terrified something horrible would happen if he did. “Me getting mad at her was just a conformation.” He lets out a humourless laugh. “I just couldn't take it anymore. So I said my piece and shut the door. For good.”
Eddie dares to look up again, only to find Buck with tears in his eyes, his face wearing the saddest smile. Eddie supresses a sob.
“I’m sorry”
Buck frowns. “What are you apologizing for? I-I can’t believe they treated you like that. Eddie, you know you deserve so much better, don’t you? I need you to tell me you do” his grip on Eddie’s shoulder tightens. “Fuck, if I ever see those people again, I swear to god-“ he starts, but he shakes his head, leaving the sentence unfinished. “Have you told Chris all of this?”
“The short version, yes. I told him he could keep visiting his grandparents if he wanted to, but you should’ve seen the look on his face, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that angry. He told me he was fed up with them, the story I told only added to his frustration. This was the final straw”
Buck smiles. “You raised a good kid”
Eddie smiles back. “You know you helped with that, don’t you? Sometimes he says or does something that is just so Buck.” He pauses a little before saying “The reason my parents got angry at you is because they didn’t want you in Chris’ life. They thought you had ‘influenced’ him too much. But I couldn't be happier with the parts of him that remind me of you.”
Buck’s face melts.
“Fuck, Eddie. You don’t get to say these things to me.” he laughs.
Eddie shakes his head. “I just- I just need you to know. You mean the world to us. To me.” He can do this.
Buck’s eyes fill with an emotion that can only be described as hope.
“Eddie. I need you to be clear about what you’re saying right now. Please. I- I can’t -”
“When I was in Texas, revisiting all those memories, I think I knew. I- I think I already knew before then, I just wasn’t ready to admit it yet. And then I came home and you just-. Yesterday when we woke up and you were gone, I just knew”
“Knew what?”
“Knew that I wanted to wake up next to you for the rest of my life, hear your humming when you’re cooking, your corny jokes way too early in the morning.” He pauses and smiles. “I knew that I loved you.”
Buck looks shocked.
“You do?” he asks, voice small.
Eddie nods.
Buck laughs out of disbelief.
“While I was visiting all those apartments all I could think of was how they felt empty. Like they were lacking something” He looks around the room. “They were lacking you. And Chris. Today I realised that I’m right where I want to be. I was just so scared that after a while, you wouldn’t want me here anymore. Now I know different. I should’ve listened to you, I’m sorry.” He looks at Eddie again, a small smile forming on his face.
“It’s okay. We won’t leave you, I promise.”
Eddie envelops him in a hug. Buck doesn’t let go.