Chapter Text
the lake water washed nothing clean in this wasteland. natalie watched it drip from the frayed hem of lottie’s oversized flannel, pooling on the rotted, waterlogged floorboards in dark, irregular rings that mirrored dried, flaking blood. the cabin exhaled a heavy, stagnant rot, a suffocating draft of old lard and the damp, choking stench of the shallows from which laura lee had just dragged lottie again. the freezing air clung to the back of nat’s throat, turning each shallow, ragged breath into a dry ache.
nightfall bled slowly through the soot stained windowpanes, casting a sickly, bruised orange glow across the room. the dying light caught the skeletal ridge of lottie’s collarbones, making her skin look ghostlike against the coarse fabric drowning her frame. she was too thin. they all were. their hipbones protruded like rusted blades beneath their threadbare clothes, a constant, gnawing reminder of the deer that hadn't come, meat they lacked, and the winter already exhaling its icy, dead breath down their necks.
natalie felt the familiar, violent gnawing in her gut, that hollow nicotine craving that had tormented her for weeks. with no cigarettes left, nothing to burn, and the smoke reduced to a distant, taunting wraith, her hand acted on pure instinct. her thumb began to scratch the raw skin over her left hand, digging into the joint with vicious, desperate focus. a fingernail, blackened with grease and wilderness grime, sank into the edge of a half healed scab, peeling it back until the skin split open. the pain was immediate, sharp, white-hot, and exquisitely grounding. it shot up her forearm to the crook of her elbow, a fierce, burning focus that quieted the phantom hunger in her chest. she watched a bead of dark, viscous blood well up, staining her soiled skin. pressing hard against the tear, she let the sting chain her to the floorboards.
lottie huddled in the corner, knees locked tight against her chest, her chin resting on prominent, bony caps. her long, dark hair was a matted, tangled mass, strands of grey lake water sliding down the shivering column of her spine, soaking through the flannel until it clung to her skin like a damp shroud. she looked completely unraveled, stripped of whatever holy light laura lee believed she was dunking her into. the makeshift baptism had yielded no peace, it had only left lottie trembling uncontrollably, her teeth clicking together in a frantic, rhythmic chatter as she stared at the gaps in the wood, as if she could see maggots squirming beneath the dirt. there was no majesty left in her. just a starving, broken girl coming apart under the weight of a god that did not exist in these pines.
nat walked over, her boots heavy and loud against the floorboards. she made no effort to soften her steps, she did not want to startle the animal. dropping down beside lottie on the cold floor, the scent of woodsmoke and stale sweat rose from her clothes. lottie didn't lift her head, but her breathing hitched, the ragged intake of air rattling in her narrow chest.
"you're gonna freeze to death like that" natalie said, her voice dry, raspy from the cold and the dust of the cabin. "laura lee's a fucking fool if she thinks that lake has any blessings left in it." lottie’s jaw tightened, the skin stretching taut over high, elegant cheekbones smudged with soot. her lips were chapped, split down the middle, and as she struggled to speak, a tiny drop of dark blood bubbled up from the crack.
"it felt clean for a second. then the noise... the noise came back. it’s louder now, natalie."
she used her full name. she always did when she was losing her grip, when the pristine, fragile walls of her wealthy past came tumbling down into the mud. natalie studied her face, the hollowed-out eyes, wide and glassy with a terrible, desperate fear. it was a religious kind of terror, the kind that rotted a person from the inside out because they believed their own flesh was a sin.
"there is no noise" natalie murmured, reaching out. her right hand hovered for a second, her split, bleeding knuckles contrasting sharply against the stark, deathly paleness of lottie’s cheek, before she pressed her palm against the side of lottie’s face. lottie flinched at the sudden contact, her eyes flying wider, but then she leaned into the heat of it, a quiet, broken sigh escaping her cracked lips. "it's just the wind, lott. just the trees."
"no" lottie whispered, her dark, heavy lashes fluttering against her skin as she squeezed her eyes shut. "it's him. or it. it wants me to see things. but i want to be clean. my mother said... she said the devil lives in the dark places of the mind. i thought the water would drown him."
she was crying now, but there were no tears left in her starved body, just the violent, shuddering tremors of a machine running on nothing but panic. natalie felt a sudden, feral tug in her own chest. not pity. never pity, but a raw, animalistic need to drag lottie back down to the dirt, to hold her so tight she couldn't float away into the madness slowly swallowing the rest of the cabin.
"fuck your mother" natalie's thumb traced the sharp edge of lottie’s jaw, feeling the cold bone beneath the fragile skin while her own torn knuckles throbbed with a comforting, dull ache. "and fuck laura lee. there’s no devil out here. just us. just a bunch of dying girls."
lottie opened her eyes, and in the dim, bruised twilight of the cabin, they looked like charcoals, deep and lightless, reflecting nothing but natalie’s own hollow, desperate face.
lottie didn’t answer right away. her breath slowed just a fraction, a jagged, rattling sound that caught in her dry throat, but her body remained entirely taut, stiff as a tripwire waiting to snap under the slightest pressure. natalie could feel the biting frost radiating from lottie’s skin, the gritty, rough texture of the dried lake mud caked along her jawline, and the rhythmic, hot throb of her own ruined joint. the skin over nat's knuckle was split wide now. the pain was sharp. it was clean. it was the only thing that felt real anymore, a brutal, stinging anchor keeping her from dissolving into the grey, choking fog that crept through the rotting gaps in the cabin logs every single night. she traded the smoke for the tear of her own flesh, digging her thumbnail into the raw meat of her hand whenever the craving got too heavy to carry.
lottie shifted her weight, the wooden floor groaning beneath her sharp hipbones. she didn't look up at natalie’s face, but her cold, shaking fingers traveled down nat’s arm, trailing over the coarse sleeve of her shirt until they reached her wrist. her grip was gentle now, less like a vise and more like a drowning thing reaching for a wet branch. she felt the sticky warmth of the blood oozing from natalie’s knuckles, her fingertips smearing the dark red fluid against her own skin. she didn't flinch away from the wetness. out here, everything was stained with something, grease, dirt, or the iron tang of deer meat that never stayed in their bellies long enough to satisfy the hollow ache inside them.
"you shouldn't do that" lottie whispered, her forehead still pressed near the hollow of natalie’s throat. her voice was so low it barely carried across the dark expanse of the corner. "it watches the blood. it likes the smell of it."
"let it look" natalie muttered, her voice a rough, dry friction. she didn't pull her hand back. she liked the heavy, grounding sensation of lottie’s fingers against her skin. it was freezing in the cabin, the kind of deep, biting chill that settled straight into your bone marrow and made your teeth ache with every breath. she could see their combined breath rising in faint, pale plumes, dissolving into the dark rafters above. "i don't give a fuck what 'it' likes. it doesn't own me, lott. and it doesn't own you either."
lottie’s chest shook with a dry, hollow rattle that was supposed to be a laugh. she finally lifted her head, her face a ghostly oval in the dark. her lips were white at the edges, the small drop of blood on her chin having dried into a dark, rusty crust that cracked as her mouth parted. "you're the only one who doesn't sound like they're praying for an ending."
"because i'm not" natalie said, her eyes narrowing as she studied the sharp geometry of lottie’s face. she reached up with her uninjured hand, her thumb wiping a streak of dirt from lottie’s temple, her rough skin scraping against the delicate flesh. she could see the tiny blue veins pulsing beneath lottie’s skin, frantic and thin like spiderwebs. "i'm trying to get through, that's it. i just need to know that when i look around this piece-of-shit room, everybody hasn't completely lost their minds yet."
lottie's breath hitched again as natalie’s thumb lingered on her skin, tracing the line where her dark hair met her brow. the frantic, rhythmic chatter of her teeth had stopped, replaced by a slow, heavy stillness that felt dangerous in its own right. she looked down at natalie’s bleeding hand, then slowly, with an unsettling deliberation, she leaned her head down and pressed her split, chapped lips directly against the raw, open wound on nat's knuckle.
the contact was electric. the cold wetness of lottie’s lips against the burning, split skin made natalie gasp, a sharp intake of freezing air that caught in her chest. lottie didn't bite, she just held her mouth there and sucked, her shallow breath flaring over the injury, tasting the metallic iron of natalie’s blood like it was the only holy thing left in the entire northern hemisphere.
"it tastes so good, like fire" lottie murmured against her skin, her dark eyes lifting to lock onto natalie’s through the tangle of her wet, matted hair. "back home... they told me that fire was for the unrepentant. dad said the girls who didn't listen, the ones who had the darkness inside them, would burn for eternity. but i know that the way my heart burns for you is not the sin i was told it was."
natalie didn't pull away. her heart was hammering against her ribs, a violent, stupid rhythm that felt too loud for the quiet cabin. she could feel lottie’s tongue ghosting over the edge of the split skin, a soft touch that sent a shiver straight down her spine, pooling between her thighs with a sudden, heavy heat that made her dizzy. "your father was a fucking prick, lott."
"i don't want to think about him anymore" lottie whispered, her hand sliding up natalie’s forearm, her thumb pressing into the thin muscle there, feeling the wiry strength beneath the grime. "i don't wanna hear his voice over and over. when you touch me... the noise goes away. and it's just you."
"then keep looking at me" natalie said, her voice dropping into a deeper, fiercer rasp. she shifted her legs, her heavy wool pants brushing against lottie’s wet flannel with a rough, scratching sound. she took lottie’s chin between her fingers, her grip firm, forcing the taller girl to keep her gaze anchored. "don't look at the rafters. don't look at laura lee. just look at me, lottie."
lottie nodded slowly, her lips parting as she exhaled another pale cloud of mist. the fear in her eyes hadn't disappeared, but it had shifted, turning into something sharper, something hungrier that natalie recognized all too well. it was the same hunger that made them look at the dead with greedy eyes, the same desperation that made them claw at their own skin just to feel the blood move. but here, between the two of them, it felt like something else.
the sudden, heavy scrape of the iron latch on the cabin door down below cut through the quiet like a bone saw. natalie flinched, pulling her hand back so fast her torn knuckle scraped against lottie’s chapped teeth, leaving another tiny smear of dark red on her bottom lip. they broke apart instantly, the freezing air of the room rushing into the small space between their chests like an intruder, leaving them both shivering in the dim corner. the heavy, shuffling thud of boots dragging wood inside echoed up through the floorboards. it was laura lee, her voice thin and high as it carries from the main room.
"lottie? are you there? the fire is dying down, i need you to help me."
natalie stood up quickly, her knees popping in the freezing air with a dull, aching sound that vibrated in her joints. she didn't look back at lottie. she just wiped her bloody hand against the rough canvas of her pants, leaving a long, dark red streak across her thigh. she walked toward the ladder without a word, but she could feel lottie’s eyes burning into the back of her neck like a heavy, lightless vigil that followed her all the way down into the dim, tallow choked light of the main floor.
⊱♱⊰
four days later, the wilderness didn't get any kinder. the cold settled into the cabin like a rotting sickness, a heavy frost coating the inside of the windowpanes until the world outside was nothing but a blurry void. the hunger was a sharp stone sitting in the pit of natalie’s stomach, turning every movement into an effort of pure greas. her habit of scratching her knuckles had turned the skin into a jagged map of raw meat and half dried scabs, a constant, stinging focus that kept her from screaming whenever the nicotine craving got too heavy for her lungs to hold.
they found each other in the small, quiet gaps of the day, away from the frantic eyes of the others. the cabin was turning into something volatile, a pressure cooker of starving girls turning over the same three thoughts in their heads, so nat and lottie drifted toward the edges of the camp just to breathe.
once, it was behind the meat shed, where the air smelled of the old lard left on the skinning hooks. natalie was kneeling in the snow, her fingers numbed to a bright, angry purple as she worked a dull pocketknife through the belly of a small squirrel. the hide peeled back with a wet, sucking sound, exposing the thin layer of yellow fat and the dark, frozen coils of sinew underneath. lottie appeared from the line of pines, her long shadow falling across the bloody snow like a shroud.
she didn't say anything. she just knelt opposite natalie, her oversized sweater pilling at the cuffs, her knees sinking deep into the slush. she reached out, her long, slender fingers catching the twitching hind legs of the animal to hold it steady against the wood.
natalie looked up, her frozen breath rising between them in a thick, white cloud. the contrast between their hands was brutal. natalie’s palms were wide, calloused, her nails bitten and permanently blackened with gun oil from cleaning the rifle. lottie’s hands were still elegant, the long, delicate bones of her fingers tracing lines of old grace that belonged to suburban country clubs and manicured lawns. but the woods was claiming her too, the skin around her cuticles was cracked and bleeding from the frost, her knuckles swollen and red against the grey wool of her sleeves.
lottie looked up, her gaze anchoring onto natalie’s face with a desperate, heavy intensity. for lottie, natalie was the only thing that didn't vibrate with the madness. she wasn't like laura lee, looking at her with big, expectant eyes waiting for a miracle or a word from god, and she wasn't like shauna, watching her with that quiet, predatory suspicion. natalie just treated her like a person. a starving, freezing girl whose ribs were starting to show through her shirt. they didn't say a word to each other at that moment.
⊱♱⊰
natalie and charlotte found their sanctuary in the high, dusty rafters of the attic while the others slept below, curled together like animals dying for warmth. in the pitch black, away from the pack, lottie would reach out and card her long, dirty fingers through natalie’s messy, peroxide fried hair. the touch was absurdly soft, a fragile, trembling tenderness that natalie hadn't felt since before her life had turned to ash. natalie would lie back against the scratchy wool blankets, her head resting near lottie’s sharp hipbone, listening to the slow, uneven rhythm of lottie’s breathing.
out here, natalie was always the rifle, always the one who had to go out into the snow and bring back nourishment. but here, in the dark corners of the loft, under the heavy silence of lottie’s hand, she didn't have to be anything. she could just be wreckage, held together by the quiet grace of a girl who was just as broken as she was.
another dusk came down like a heavy curtain over the pines, the kind of dark that felt less like night and more like old ash settling over the camp. natalie found herself standing by the frozen woodpile at the very edge of the clearing, her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her oversized jacket to keep from tearing her raw skin open again. the cold was changing, growing teeth as the wind swept off the lake.
lottie was already there, leaning against the rough, ice crusted logs. she was wearing the same flannel shirt, its hem now stiff and heavy with dried mud, her dark hair hanging around her hollowed out face. she was shivering, but she didn't seem to notice the way her jaw vibrated or the way her long, skeletal fingers twitched against the wood. she didn't look at natalie. her charcoal eyes were fixed on the dark, jagged outline of the plane wreckage in the distance, its metal carcass reflecting the last sickly orange light of the sun.
"what do you do with him?" lottie asked, her voice a fragile, brittle scratch that barely carried through the freezing air. "with travis. in the dark."
natalie froze, her jaw tightening until her teeth ached. she looked at lottie’s profile, the sharp, delicate curve of her nose, the way her chapped lips were pressed together so tightly. the puritanical weight of lottie’s childhood, the expensive private schools, the sterile white rooms where her parents kept her locked away with her visions, it all lived in the rigid, defensive line of her shoulders. to lottie, her own body was strange and sinful, a dangerous vessel that the wilderness was slowly carving open.
"we don't do anything that matters, lott," natalie said, her voice flat, cold as the ice under their heavy boots. she pulled her hands out of her pockets, her thumb immediately finding the raw, split edge of her knuckle and digging in until a fresh, stinging drop of blood welled up.
"it's not what you think," natalie continued, her words blunt, intentionally sharp to cut through the heavy atmosphere. "it's not some romantic bullshit. he’s an itch, lottie. he's just a placeholder for the whiskey i can't drink and the lines i can't snort out here. when the hunger gets too loud in my gut i use him to shut my brain up. it’s just meat rubbing against meat until the shivering stops for five minutes. it doesn't mean a fucking thing."
lottie finally turned her head, her big eyes wide and glassy with a terrifying sort of confusion. she looked down at natalie’s hands, watching the dark blood smear against her dirty fingers. the raw naturalism of nat’s words seemed to physically strike her, making her breath catch in her thin chest. for lottie, everything had to have a meaning, a spiritual weight, a sign from a god or a monster. the idea that something could just be a brutal, empty mechanism of survival was foreign, almost sacrilegious to her fragile mind.
"but it's dirty," lottie whispered, a tiny drop of moisture catching on her dark, heavy lashes, though she wasn't crying. "giving into it makes you less than human. i look at my hands, natalie, and they don't even feel like mine anymore. i feel like i'm trapped inside a carcass that’s rotting while i'm still awake. and when i see you go into the woods with him... i wonder if you're trying to escape too."
natalie broke the distance between them, stepping into lottie’s space until she could smell the cold on her, that bitter, stagnant scent of a body digesting its own muscle.
"yeah, that's it," natalie murmured, her eyes dropping to lottie’s mouth, watching the way the blue light caught the wetness of her split lip.
lottie stared back, her chest heaving under the damp flannel, her small, sharp collarbones rising and falling beneath the cloth. she reached out, her long, freezing fingers catching the edge of natalie’s jacket, her grip desperate and trembling.
"then how is it?" lottie asked, her voice dropping into a fascinated, terrified whisper that made the blood roar in natalie’s ears. "what is it like when you actually love someone? when it isn't just about stopping the hum in your head?"
the question hit natalie like a physical blow to the sternum. she looked at lottie’s face, this beautiful, shattered girl who had grown up in a mansion surrounded by wealth and prayers, but had never once been held by anyone who didn't want to fix or change her. she had never been loved.
the decision settled in natalie’s gut with a fierce, absolute certainty. she wasn't going to use words. words were what lottie’s father used to break her. words were what laura lee used to drown her in the lake. natalie was going to use the only real thing she had left, the raw, heavy truth of her own broken body, and she was going to show her exactly what it meant to belong to someone. she simply reached out, her right hand, the one with the split, weeping knuckle. freezing mountain air immediately bit into the raw, exposed meat of her wound, a sharp, stinging reminder of her own pulse, but she ignored it. she pressed her rough palm against the side of lottie’s face, her dirty fingers sliding through the damp, tangled strands of dark hair that clung to lottie's temple.
lottie didn't pull back. instead, after a fraction of a second, her eyes closed tight and she leaned her weight into the heat of natalie's hand like an animal seeking the last embers of a campfire. up close, lottie’s face was a tragic, beautiful map of pure exhaustion. the blue light caught the sharp, skeletal hollows beneath her eyes, making the soot on her cheekbones look like bruises. her lips were parted just a millimeter, trembling, showing the small, dark crack in the center. natalie’s thumb moved, her rough skin catching on that split lip, smearing the dried iron across the pale contour of lottie's mouth. then, without warning, natalie leaned in and closed the distance between them.
it wasn't the kind of kiss either of them had known back in new jersey. there was no soft, clean perfume, no warmth of a heated car, no safety. it was heavy, blunt, and desperate, born out of the dirt and frost. natalie pressed her mouth against lottie’s, feeling the rough, peeling texture of her chapped skin. lottie let out a small, muffled whimper against natalie's lips, her entire frame going rigid. all the weight of her childhood, the voices that whispered in the corners of her mind, it all seemed to collide in that exact second.
natalie didn't back down. she gripped lottie’s jaw firmer, her broken, dirt rimmed nails digging into the soft skin beneath the bone, establishing a hard, unyielding dominance that lottie desperately needed. natalie parted her own lips and pushed deeper, her tongue sliding over the raw split in lottie’s lower lip, tasting the sharp, copper tang of fresh blood. the warmth inside lottie's mouth was shocking, a sudden, wet heat that contrasted brutally with the icy skin of her face. it felt like the only warm place left in the entire world.
lottie’s hands suddenly tightened with a frantic force. lottie didn't know how to do this, her body had always been something she feared, but under the heavy, demanding pressure of natalie's mouth, she began to unravel completely. she opened her mouth fuller, giving up the fight, letting natalie take her breath, take her tongue, take everything.
"nat," lottie breathed against her lips, the short syllable breaking apart between them like a prayer, her voice trembling so hard it made natalie's gut twist with a fierce, possessive heat. "natty... please..."
hearing her name like that, reduced to a soft, broken plea from lottie's chapped lips, sent a jolt of pure adrenaline straight through natalie’s veins. it quieted the screaming nicotine craving in her lungs better than any cigarette ever could. natalie didn't let her finish the thought. she brought her left hand up and tangled her fingers into lottie's hair, pulling her head back to expose the pale, shivering length of her throat.
natalie bit down on lottie's bottom lip, a sharp, testing nip that made lottie gasp, her hips stuttering forward against natalie's heavy wool trousers. the touch was raw and unvarnished. they were two starving, filthy things clinging to each other in the shadow of a dead plane, but as natalie deepened the kiss, dragging lottie closer until her sharp hipbones ground against her own, the freezing wilderness around them seemed to lose its teeth.
⊱♱⊰
three days drifted past, slow and suffocating. neither spoke a single word regarding that evening by the woodpile, but the silence between them had shifted. it was no longer the defensive distance of before, but something dense, thick, and volatile. inside the main cabin, beneath the watchful, hollow stares of the others, their bodies instinctively sought alignment. whenever the group huddled around the hearth to watch the soup water boil, natalie’s hand would slide across the soot streaked wool of the blankets, her calloused fingers slipping into lottie’s long palm. they would remain anchored like that for hours, their fingers tangled tight, a secret, desperate knot of bone and flesh that the others were too starved to notice. at night, they slept pressed flush from shoulder to hip, natalie’s face buried in the scent of woodsmoke and damp flannel at the nape of her companion's neck.
now, tucked away in the deepest, narrowest crawl space of the attic, the rest of the world felt as though it were buried under miles of relentless ice. a single, dying stump of a candle sat on a rotting beam between them, its tiny orange flame sputtering as it drowned in a yellow puddle of melting tallow. lottie sat with her spine pressed against the rough hewn logs, her long legs pulled up tight against her chest. her doe like eyes remained fixed on the flickering candlewick, the shadows dancing across her hollow cheeks. the guilt of her upbringing was a physical weight in the cold room, a ghost from her wealthy, pristine past that the wilderness hadn't managed to starve out yet.
"my mother had a cousin," lottie whispered, her voice a cracked scratch. "they sent her away to a clinic in vermont when i was seven. i heard my father telling the priest... he said she had the unnatural sickness. he said women who turned to other women were abominations. that god would scratch their names out of the book of life and leave them to rot in the dark places."
she pulled her knees tighter, her knuckles turning stark white as she clutched her own shins.
"i feel the dark places, natalie. it feels like the ultimate sin."
natalie crept forward on her knees, her heavy trousers dragging with a dry scrape against the dusty floorboards. she cared nothing for the chapel, or for lottie's father. natalie's hand rose, wrapping securely around the back of lottie’s neck. her thumb, scarred and rough, pressed hard against the delicate flesh right behind the other girl's ear, feeling the frantic, terrifying leap of her pulse.
"look at me, lott," natalie commanded in a low, fierce whisper, her face inches from lottie’s. "look at my face. do i look like some fucking demon your father prayed about?"
lottie’s eyes flickered down, her dark lashes trembling as she looked at natalie’s parting lips, then up to the bleached hair framing her sharp face.
"there is no priest. there is just us. just two dying girls. let me take it, lott. let me take the sin." natalie murmured, her voice dropping into a softer, bruising cadence as her free hand slid down to the hem of lottie’s oversized flannel. she pushed her hand beneath the rough fabric, her palm meeting the bare, freezing skin of lottie’s waist.
something fractured inside lottie’s eyes. the rigid, terrified line of her shoulders suddenly collapsed, a jagged, hitching sob catching in her throat. she leaned forward, her forehead slamming against natalie’s shoulder with a desperate force, her fingers clutching at the canvas of natalie’s jacket like she was falling off a cliff.
"fuck it. fuck them all. i'm so tired of being afraid, natty. i'm so tired of the voices. i don't care if i burn. i just want you."
natalie didn't let her breathe another word. she caught lottie’s mouth with hers, but this time, it wasn't the blunt, violent collision of the woodpile. it was an agonizingly slow, deep descent. natalie parted her lips with heavy deliberation, her tongue sliding over the rough, peeling texture of lottie’s chapped mouth, tasting the sweet, heavy warmth hidden behind her teeth.
lottie let out a long, shuddering sigh against natalie’s mouth, her body going entirely fluid under the touch. she uncurled her legs, letting them fall open as natalie pressed her weight between them. natalie’s hand on her waist began to wander upward, rough fingers sliding over the bare, protruding cage of lottie’s ribs. she could feel every single bone, sharp and distinct beneath the fragile skin, like the rungs of a ladder. natalie’s thumb traced the deep indentation beneath lottie’s sternum, her cold fingers dragging over the delicate flesh, making lottie arch her back with a quiet, breathless gasp that died directly inside natalie’s mouth.
then, she pulled away from lottie’s lips with a slow, sticky drag, trailing her hot, shallow breath down the sharp slope of lottie’s jawline. the dark haired girl’s head fell back against the rough pine logs immediately, her throat arching under the touch as a violent, trembling sigh escaped her chapped mouth. the skin of her neck was pristine, completely vulnerable.
the moment natalie’s chapped lips brushed against the soft indentation right beneath lottie’s ear, she gasped, her entire skeletal frame bucking slightly against the floorboards. it was a visceral, electric reaction. natalie felt the sudden, frantic leap of lottie’s pulse against her tongue, and a possessive hunger flared up in her gut, heavy and consuming. she realized then how sensitive lottie was there, how every tiny scrape of her rough skin made the taller girl unravel. natalie didn't hold back. she leaned her full weight over lottie and dragged her teeth along the tense cord of her neck, nipping deliberately at the tender flesh. lottie let out a broken, high pitched moan that died inside the dark rafters, her long, dirty fingers clawing blindly at natalie's hair.
"natty," lottie pleaded, her voice a cracked, breathless whisper that vibrated directly against natalie’s cheek. "natty, please..."
hearing that name, natty, reduced to a desperate, shaking prayer from lottie’s mouth made her wild. natalie bit down harder, driving her teeth into the skin of lottie's neck until she tasted the faint, metallic tang of blood on her tongue. she sucked the skin hard, deliberately leaving deep, dark bruises, marking her territory in the grime. she wanted the purple, circular stains to stay there tomorrow; she wanted the whole fucking cabin to see the teeth marks on lottie’s throat and know exactly who she belonged to when the dark came down. lottie was thrashing quietly beneath her, her hips stuttering forward against natalie’s heavy wool trousers, her voice a continuous, whimpering loop of;
"more, nat, please, more."
with a sudden, dominant motion, natalie reached up and caught both of lottie’s thin, cold wrists in one of her wide hands. she shoved them up over lottie’s head, pinning them firmly against the rotting wood of the roof beam. lottie didn't fight the restriction. she gave up completely, her small chest heaving as her ribs strained against her skin, her pinned hands twitching in natalie’s unyielding grip.
while she kept her mouth buried in lottie's neck, biting and bruising the sensitive skin until lottie’s throat was covered in a map of angry purple marks, natalie’s free hand slid down. her rough fingers traveled over the sharp ridge of lottie’s hipbone, pushing past the layers of filthy fabric, moving down between her trembling, parted thighs. the skin there was burning hot compared to the freezing air of the attic. natalie lifted her head just an inch, her breath hot and wet against lottie’s ruined neck, her eyes dark as she looked up at lottie's face. lottie was entirely flushed, her elegant cheekbones dark with a feverish red, her eyes glassy and blind with pleasure.
"look at you," natalie rasped, her voice thick, low, and dirty against lottie’s ear. "the pure girl. the wealthy girl from the big house, up here in the dirt, begging a piece-of-shit addict to touch her. you like being ruined by me, don't you, lott?"
a deep, burning blush of pure shame crept up from her chest, staining her throat, but her lower body contradicted her embarrassment completely. she let out a choked, desperate cry, her head twisting to the side as her hips arched up against natalie’s hand, practically begging for the friction, her broken nails digging into the wood as she surrendered every last bit of her pride to the girl holding her down.
natalie’s fingers moved against the burning heat between lottie’s thighs, a slow, merciless pressure that made lottie’s stomach hitch, her lower belly contracting sharply beneath the layers of her clothes. it was slick, wet, and intensely hot, an impossible contrast to the freezing draft that rattled the loose shingles right above their heads. every time natalie’s rough thumb dragged over her, lottie let out a broken, high pitched sob, her head thrashing against the hard pine log behind her, her body arching so high off the floorboards that her spine looked like a curved bow of bone.
natalie didn't let her escape the sensation. she let go of lottie’s pinned wrists, her wide hand moving up to grip lottie’s jaw with a bruising, unyielding strength, forcing her face down.
"open your eyes, lott. look at me," natalie's voice vibrated against lottie's skin. "don't you dare close them. look at what i'm doing to you."
lottie’s eyelids fluttered open, her big eyes completely dilated with a feverish pleasure that bordered on agony. she was staring straight into natalie’s face, her breath coming in ragged, short gasps that smelled of iron. she looked utterly ruined, stripped of every ounce of the wealthy, polite distance she used to carry.
natalie leaned in close, keeping their eyes locked together as she began to kiss lottie’s face. she didn't go for her mouth yet, instead, she pressed her dry lips against lottie’s forehead, then trailed them down to the delicate, shivering skin of her eyelids. she kissed the high, sharp ridge of lottie’s cheekbones, dragging her tongue over the smudge of charcoal and dirt, tasting the salt of the sweat that was starting to bead along her hairline despite the bitter cold.
lottie whined, a small, helpless animal sound trapped in the back of her throat, her long fingers reaching up to clutch at natalie’s leather jacket, her nails digging into the tough hide as she tried to pull natalie closer.
"natty... please, i can't... it's too much."
"it's not enough," natalie murmured against her skin. she moved her mouth down, kissing the sensitive corners of lottie’s lips, teasing the raw, split center without actually giving her a full kiss. she hovered there, her hot breath flaring over lottie's chapped mouth, watching the way lottie’s lips parted in pure desperation, begging for the contact. natalie’s hand down below moved faster, a heavy friction that sent a violent tremor straight through lottie’s thighs. lottie’s eyes went completely wide, a sharp, choked cry tearing from her throat as her hips bucked helplessly against natalie’s hand.
before lottie could even catch her breath, natalie dropped her mouth back down to the violent pulse point under lottie’s ear. she found the exact spot where lottie's skin was already swelling and purple, and she bit down again. she used her teeth, a sharp, territorial nip that made lottie scream into the quiet rafters, her head pulling back as far as the wood would allow. natalie sucked the tender, broken skin, dragging her tongue over the teeth marks, letting her own saliva mix with the dirt and blood she had drawn.
lottie was completely unraveled now, her hands trembling violently as they slid from natalie’s jacket to tangle into her bleached, messy hair, holding natalie’s head tightly against her neck. she didn't care about the sin anymore. she didn't care about the chapel or her parents or the freezing wilderness outside. she was just a starving, desperate thing, completely dominated by the girl above her, her voice a broken, weeping whisper against the dark.
"more, natty, please... please, don't stop. ruin me. just don't stop."
the sound of her name breaking into tiny, ragged pieces against lottie’s teeth sent a wave of pure, concentrated heat straight to natalie’s gut. it was a heavy, intoxicating rush that completely drowned out the cold, drowned out the dull ache in her knees. seeing lottie like this, completely shattered, bleeding and begging under her hands, made natalie’s own breath hitch, a dark, heavy desperation coiling tight in her chest.
she didn't want to be gentle anymore. the wilderness wasn't gentle, the hunger wasn't gentle, and lottie didn't need a savior; she needed something real enough to crack her open and pull the visions out of her head.
natalie pressed her torso harder against lottie's small, trembling frame. she drove her fingers deeper into the wet, burning heat between lottie's thighs, her thumb finding the rhythm again with a fierce, merciless speed. the friction was intense, loud in the small crawl space, a sharp, slippery heat that felt like the only source of light left in the dead world.
lottie let out a high, choked scream that was immediately swallowed by the heavy wool of natalie’s jacket as her head slammed back against the log. her long legs shook violently, her knees locking outward, her toes curling inside her boots as the overwhelming sensation took her over entirely. she was completely blind to the world now, her fingers knotting into the roots of natalie’s hair with a terrifying, wild strength, pulling her down, forcing their faces together.
"open your eyes, lott," natalie rasped against her lips, her own voice breaking from the sheer heat of it, her face flushed dark beneath the grime. "look at what you're doing. look at how much you want it."
lottie’s charcoal pupils were so blown out they practically swallowed the irises, reflecting nothing but the faint, dying orange glow of the melting candle. her split lips were trembling, a fresh bead of dark blood smearing across her teeth as she tried to breathe.
"natty... natty, please, i'm..."
"i've got you," natalie murmured, the words heavy and possessive as she accelerated the pace, her wide hand gripping lottie’s hipbone so hard her fingers left pale dents in the starved flesh. "sink into it, lott. let it break you."
with one final, ruthless drag of her rough thumb, natalie pushed her over the edge again.
lottie’s entire body went rigid as stone, her chest arching so violently off the floorboards that her ribs looked like they were about to tear through the skin of her chest. a long, breathless sob tore from her throat, a raw, beautiful sound of pure surrender that vibrated directly against natalie’s mouth as natalie slammed their lips together, drinking the cry down. lottie’s hands tightened convulsively in natalie’s hair, her hips shuddering upwards into the touch one, two, three times in frantic, helpless waves before she completely collapsed, her bones going entirely fluid beneath natalie’s weight.
she lay there panting, her head rolled to the side, the deep, purple bruises on her neck throbbing in the dim light. her breath came in short, shallow puffs of white mist, her chest heaving as if she had just run miles through the deep snow. she was shivering again, but the frantic, holy terror in her eyes was gone, replaced by a quiet, dark emptiness that looked entirely like peace.
the quiet didn't last long. the stillness between them began to vibrate again as lottie’s breathing gradually slowed, her ribs settling into a steadier, heavy rhythm against the floorboards. a sudden, strange flicker of courage seemed to pass through her. she didn't look up, but her long, trembling fingers moved from the roots of natalie’s hair down to the stiff, mud crusted collar of natalie’s jacket. her touch was hesitant at first, then driven by a quiet, desperate urgency that broke through her usual terror.
"let me," lottie whispered, her voice a fragile rasp that died instantly in the dusty air between their faces. "natty, take it off. i want to feel you. all of you."
natalie stayed perfectly still, her eyes tracking every shift in lottie’s face as lottie’s fingers fumbled with the heavy zipper. she didn't help her, she just watched, her own breath hitching as the thick canvas was peeled back from her shoulders, hitting the rotting wood with a dull, heavy thud. lottie worked with a feverish intensity now, her raw nails catching on the frayed hem of natalie’s shirt, pulling it up and over her head until natalie’s wiry, scarred torso was completely exposed to the biting chill of the attic.
the freezing draft hit natalie’s bare skin, making her goosebumps rise instantly, but she barely felt the cold. she reached out, gripping the front of lottie’s damp flannel shirt, and ripped the remaining buttons open with a rough, impatient jerk. they discarded everything else, the heavy boots, the stiff wool trousers, until they were entirely stripped of the armor of civilization.
lottie didn't hesitate. before the frost could settle on their skin, she shifted her weight, dragging her long legs over natalie’s thighs until she was straddling natalie’s lap. the direct, unshielded contact of their skin was shocking, the immediate, wet heat generated between their thighs from before met with a sharp, heavy friction that made them both gasp aloud. lottie pressed the full weight of her pelvis down against natalie’s, the sharp, prominent ridges of their hipbones grinding together with a brutal, grounding reality. she closed her eyes and began a slow, rhythmic roll of her hips, a desperate, sliding friction of skin against skin that felt like the only source of warmth left in the dead world.
she leaned her torso forward, flattening her chest completely against natalie’s bare torso. the contact was agonizingly slow and detailed. the small, starved contours of their breasts pressed together, their damp skin sticking and sliding with a fine sheen of sweat that began to glisten like oil under the greasy orange glow of the melting candle. natalie could feel the frantic, terrified thump of lottie’s heart vibrating straight through her own chest wall, a rapid drumming of bone against bone.
their nipples, dark and tight from the brutal contrast of the freezing air and the intense physical heat between them, dragged against one another with every slow rise and fall of lottie’s hips. the rough friction sent sharp, electric jolts of heat straight down to their bellies. sweat began to bead in the hollows of lottie’s elegant collarbones, dripping down the shallow valley between their pressed chests, gluing them together in the dark.
the sight of lottie, dominant, her head thrown back, her throat long and marked with purple bruises while she controlled the rhythm, triggered something dark and feral in natalie’s gut. the possessive hunger snapped back into place, heavier and meaner than before. natalie wrapped her hands around lottie’s narrow waist, her fingers sinking deep into the flesh above her hipbones, leaving pale dents in the starved skin. with a low, guttural moan against lottie’s wet chin, natalie flipped their positions in one heavy, decisive motion, pinning lottie flat on her back beneath her weight.
the atmosphere in the narrow crawl space instantly grew suffocating, predatory, and dark. natalie didn't pretend to be gentle anymore, the movements became harder, more driving, matching the absolute desperation and hunger they carried in their marrow. she forced lottie’s thighs wider apart, her pussy slamming down with a fierce, merciless dominance that made the slick heat between them turn loud and fast against the floorboards.
it was a bruising, relentless pursuit of the next high, a chaotic clash of sweat and bone where the sting of their sharp frames colliding was indistinguishable from the pleasure. lottie’s head thrashed violently from side to side in the dust, her mouth open in a silent, breathless scream of total devotion as natalie drove them both deeper into the dark, using the raw friction of their bodies to burn away the winter.
the dark in the rafters was thick enough to taste, but the air between their faces remained a hot, panting friction that refused to cool down. lottie didn't pull away after the shuddering weight of her release settled. instead, she leaned closer, her chapped mouth pressing right against the shell of natalie’s ear, her long, skeletal fingers tightening with a sudden, deliberate force in the messy hair.
"i like when you look at me like that, natty," lottie whispered, her voice a low, raspy velvet that vibrated straight through natalie’s jawbone and down into her chest. "i like when you make me forget, when you put your hands on me..."
natalie let out a sharp, ragged intake of air, her entire body twitching under the bare, wet weight of lottie's torso. the sound of her name, soft, fragile way lottie let it slide out of her split lips, sent a fresh, violent ache straight down between her thighs, heavier and meaner than before. it wasn't just the physical heat anymore, it was the way lottie stripped her down to the raw nerve with nothing but a handful of broken words.
"keep talking," natalie's hands clawing blindly at the sharp, protruding ridges of lottie’s hipbones, dragging the taller girl back down until their chests collided again, wet skin sticking against wet skin. "lott, don't stop. say it again. call me that again."
lottie shifted, a slow, deliberate movement of her pelvis that sent a slick, burning friction between their inner thighs, her long neck arching as she felt natalie’s desperation rise. "natty, fuck..." she murmured, her chapped lips brushing against natalie’s cheekbone, tasting the salt and dirt there. natalie was completely losing her grip under the rhythm of lottie’s voice. she grabbed lottie’s jaw with a fierce, trembling hand, forcing lottie's massive, blown out eyes to lock straight into hers.
"more," natalie begged, her voice dropping into a desperate, breaking whisper she barely recognized as her own, her chest heaving against lottie's prominent ribcage. "say my name, lott. fucking say it until it’s the only noise left in this piece-of-shit place."
lottie let out a broken, wet laugh against natalie's mouth, her breath smelling of sweet heat. "there's nothing else," she whispered, her teeth catching natalie’s lower lip in a soft, teasing nip that made natalie moan aloud. "just you, natty. you're my god out here."
that was the breaking point. natalie drove her hips upward with a fierce, dominant surge, restarting the heavy, slick friction of their skin before lottie could even finish the sentence, completely consumed by the desperate, beautiful necessity of lottie's voice in the dark.
natalie’s movements turned ruthless, a heavy, driving cadence that forced lottie’s spine to arch completely off the scratchy wool blanket. the slick, burning heat between them was the only warm thing left in the entire northern hemisphere, a frantic friction that sounded loud and wet in the narrow, suffocating crawl space. natalie kept her hands locked onto lottie’s hipbones, her thumbs digging deep into the hollows of her starved flesh, pinning her down, refusing to let her escape the weight of her body.
lottie’s voice didn't stop. it came out in broken, breathless fragments, her teeth clicking together from the sheer intensity of the pleasure as natalie drove them both harder toward the edge. "natty... natty, please, just don't stop..."
the repetition of the name, the raw, total surrender in lottie’s eyes, made something snap in natalie’s chest. she leaned down, slamming her mouth back against lottie’s throat, right over the swollen, purple map of bruises she had already carved. she bit down hard, a sharp, territorial nip that made lottie let out a high, choked cry, her long fingers tearing at the wiry muscles of natalie’s bare back, her broken nails scratching through the grime and sweat.
"say it again," natalie growled against her skin, her breath hot and wet, her own hips moving with a fierce, merciless momentum that left no room for breath. "tell me who owns you out here, lott. say my fucking name."
lottie’s head thrashed violently in the dust, her long, dark hair a tangled, matted nest around her flushed face. she looked completely undone, stripped of the last remnants of her wealthy, guarded past, her lips split and shiny with saliva and a tiny bead of fresh iron.
"you... you do, natty... always you."
the words were a match dropped into a pool of gasoline. natalie accelerated the pace, a blinding, heavy rush of pure survival and desire that completely consumed them both, drowning out the freeze of the cabin and the starvation in their bellies. the friction was agonizingly intense, a chaotic collision of sharp ribs, sweat slicked bellies, and rapid, desperate breathing. lottie’s chest heaved, her individual ribs straining against her translucent skin like a birdcage trying to burst open under the pressure of her racing heart.
with one final, deep surge, natalie pushed them both over the precipice. lottie let out a long, shuddering sob that natalie drank straight from her chapped lips. the candle was dead, its final hiss swallowed by a vast, suffocating silence that rushed into the small crawl space like rising water. the room drowned in absolute darkness, saved only by the faint, bruised blue light that leaked through the rotted gaps in the roof shingles, casting long, fractured needles of light across the floorboards. the only sound left in the entire wilderness was the shallow, accelerated hitching of their lungs.
they lay completely intertwined, stripped of every heavy layer of canvas, wool, and civilian pretense. skin pressed against bare skin, the fine layer of sweat drying between their bodies turned sticky, then icy, forcing them to lock their limbs even tighter together to preserve the volatile, desperate heat they had just generated. in the middle of a world that was rotting and freezing to death, this dark, claustrophobic corner under the wooden rafters had become a brutal, unyielding sanctuary.
natalie lay flat on her back, her wide, calloused hands resting heavy and passive on the scratchy wool of the blanket. she didn't move; she simply allowed lottie the absolute freedom of her body. lottie raised herself up slightly on one thin, pale elbow. her long, dark hair fell in tangled, curtains around natalie’s face, framing her sharp features. lottie's charcoal eyes, fully dilated and glassed over with a quiet, lingering fever, tracked the faint, moonlit outlines of natalie’s form. she looked down at natalie not with the terrified, prophetic mania she showed the rest of the cabin, but with a fierce, quiet reverence.
to lottie, natalie had become her own private deity. a fierce, grounded goddess made of wiry muscle, fading peroxide hair with dark, grown out roots, and raw survival.
with a slow, trembling reverence, lottie reached out her skeletal hand. her long fingers, the skin pale and cracked at the cuticles from the relentless frost, began to map the geography of natalie’s torso. she traced the jagged, raised line of an old collarbone scar, her fingertips dragging over the tense, sculpted muscles of natalie’s shoulders, then trailing down to the stark, prominent ridges of her ribs. she paused at natalie’s right hand, her thumb gently brushing against the raw, split knuckle that was still stained dark with dried blood and rust.
"i love you, natalie," lottie whispered. the words broke from her terribly chapped, peeling lips like a soft, bleeding confession, her voice a low, rhythmic rasp against the suffocating silence. she leaned down, pressing her forehead against natalie’s scarred collarbone, her hot, frantic breath flaring over the chilled skin. "i love you so much. natty... natty, please hear me."
natalie’s chest tightened, a fierce, protective heat expanding dangerously beneath her ribs at the sound of her name repeated like a sacred mantra. she didn't answer with words, words belonged to the freezing world below. instead, she brought her arm up, her wide palm catching the slender back of lottie’s neck. her dirt stained fingers tangled into the damp knots of lottie's dark hair, pulling her down until their mouths met in a soft, lingering pressure that tasted of salt, bitter woodsmoke, and copper.
"natalie... natty..." lottie murmured directly into the kiss, her voice a continuous, breathless loop. she slid her long, pale legs between natalie’s, locking their bodies together until there was absolutely no space left for the freezing air to seep through. lottie didn't pull back, instead, she shifted higher. her long, willowy arms wrapped loosely around natalie’s tense shoulders, her lips hovering just millimeters from natalie’s ear.
"you're so beautiful, natty," lottie whispered, her voice a fragile, rhythmic thread weaving directly into the dark, wooden rafters. "even with the dirt. even out here in the freeze. natty... please."
natalie’s chest hitched, a sharp, ragged breath catching in her throat. she had spent her entire life building impenetrable walls out of cynicism, anger, and cheap drugs, but hearing lottie whisper her name over and over like a literal lifeline was dismantling every single defense she had left. the raw naturalism of lottie's devotion was terrifying, but looking at lottie's hollowed cheeks and those vast, adoring eyes, it was the truest thing natalie had ever felt. she tightened her grip on lottie's narrow waist, pulling her down until their faces were mere inches apart.
"i'm not leaving you, lott," natalie murmured, her rough voice cracking with an emotional weight she had never allowed herself to carry before. she looked deep into lottie’s massive, dilated eyes, seeing the utter lack of fear, the complete and total acceptance of this beautiful, shared ruin. "i'm right here. i... i love you, lott. i fucking love you. more than anything back home. more than anything out here."
the confession seemed to hang in the freezing air, a quiet, solid truth that silenced the howling wilderness outside. lottie let out a soft, trembling sigh against natalie’s lips, her sharp, drawn face softening into a look of pure, unadulterated relief.
before lottie could say another word, natalie closed the distance between them, capturing her mouth in a long, deep, and agonizingly slow kiss. there was no desperation left in it, only a profound, lingering hunger to memorize each other's physical contours. their chapped, split lips moved together with a sticky, warm friction. it was a kiss that lasted for minutes, blurring the passage of time until the subzero temperature of the crawl space didn't even register.
as they kissed, lottie’s hands began to wander with a quiet, curious reverence. her lenghty fingers slid down from natalie’s neck, trailing over the sharp ridge of her collarbone and down to the small, firm curves of natalie’s breasts. lottie’s palms, roughened from mountain work but incredibly gentle now, cupped the small fullness of her skin, her thumbs tracing the dark, tight points of natalie’s nipples. the touch was deeply intimate, a slow, deliberate exploration of their contrasting frames, natalie’s wiry, toned, and scarred muscles moving against lottie’s tall, smooth, and hollowed out lines. they slid their bare skin against each other, finding a strange, perfectly tragic symmetry in their shared starvation.
gradually, the sheer, crushing weight of their exhaustion began to take its toll. their movements slowed, the deep kisses dissolving into soft, lazy presses of their lips against one another's cheeks and sharp jawlines.
lottie was the first to give in. her head grew incredibly heavy, sliding down from natalie's shoulder to bury itself in the warm crook of her neck. her long legs, still tangled tightly with natalie's, went completely slack. her breathing smoothed out, shifting from a ragged gasp to a deep, rhythmic rise and fall against natalie’s chest. those massive, dark eyes finally fluttered closed, and her face relaxed into a deep, peaceful emptiness that looked beautifully, entirely free of visions.
natalie stayed awake for a little while longer. she lay perfectly still in the dark, refusing to move an inch for fear of breaking the fragile sanctuary they had built. she looked down at lottie's profile, the elegant, aristocratic curve of her nose, the messy, tangled ropes of dark hair spilling across the filthy blanket, and the stark contrast of the angry, beautiful purple bruises she had carved into lottie's pale throat.
a profound, aching tenderness swelled in natalie’s chest, completely replacing the hard, defensive shell she usually wore like a weapon. she leaned her head down, pressing a soft, lingering kiss to lottie’s smooth forehead, right where the heavy, terrifying thoughts usually lived.
"you're safe now, lott," natalie whispered into the dark, her voice dropping into a sweet, fiercely protective murmur that nobody else in the world would ever hear. "i've got you. no more voices. no more fear. just sleep, my beautiful girl. i love you."
she slid her calloused hand up to cradle the back of lottie’s head, pulling her just a fraction closer against her bare chest. letting out one final, long overdue sigh, natalie closed her own eyes, letting the clean, heavy numbness of exhaustion wash over her as she drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep, securely locked in the arms of her goddess at the very bottom of a freezing world.