Chapter Text
“Yo, Evan, check this out!” Evan turned to where one of the other kids he was hanging out with was standing. They were helping out at the cemetery for the afternoon for extra credit. It felt a lot like being a gardner, but whatever. Same same. He followed Kyle’s voice and looked at what he pointed out. “Crazy, right? What are the odds?”
“You know I suck at math.” Evan rolled his eyes, but he was also kinda fascinated. “Daniel Buckley, huh? Man, he was around our age when he died.”
“Beloved son and brother.” Kyle pointed out the inscription. “Never know. Maybe he’s a brother of yours or a cousin or something.”
“He died in March of 1994.” Evan frowned. “I wasn’t even two. I doubt I would have any memories of him, even if we were related.”
“Maybe you called him Dan or Danny and just don’t remember. Crazier things have happened.” Kyle shrugged.
“You need to stop reading your dad’s conspiracy theories.” Evan snorted. They wandered off, but Evan kept the headstone firmly in his mind, even if he hadn’t wanted to. He’d wanted to forget about it, but he couldn’t. The kid was his age when he died. He couldn’t imagine only living for eight years, almost nine, and being done.
A week later he was back, but not for extra credit. This time it was just morbid curiosity. He brought some flowers he’d picked along the way, all tied together with a piece of twine he’d found from Maddie’s abandoned friendship bracelet phase. It was probably dumb, visiting the grave of a kid just because he had the same last name. But it felt … right.
“Hey, Danny.” Evan said, setting the flowers up and sitting beside the stone, looking out at the rest of the graveyard. “I don’t actually know if that’s what you like to be called, but it just … feels right? Can’t really explain it. Sorry you, uh, died so young. Sorry if it was scary. It’s weird, ya know? I’m turning nine soon. Just another two months. School will be out for the summer and it’s on to fourth grade. I want to say you aren’t missing much, but I don’t know what all you did or got to do before you died. When I’m older, when I can leave home, I’ll go out and explore. I’ll see the world and come back and tell you about it. And if for some reason I can’t make it back, I’ll still send flowers. I just … things kinda suck right now. Maddie, she’s my big sister, she’s starting college soon. So she’ll be gone all the time. Then it’ll just be me and my parents. Or me and then them in their own little world. They kinda … they forget about me. Like, a lot. Maddie always makes sure I have food to eat or that I have a couple bucks for lunch money. Not them. I hope your parents weren’t like that. I hope they remembered you were there. I hope they still remember you even if it makes them sad. You were just a kid, like me. And, well, I don’t know. I guess, not seeing flowers or anything, I thought you could use some. I can’t really stay long. Maddie was gonna come by when school got out in a couple weeks and take me for a drive. I feel weirdly anxious about it, though. Like it’s gonna be bad news, even if I have no way of knowing that. It just feels like it. Did you ever get weird, gut feelings? They suck, right?” Evan chuckled and shook his head. “Anyway, I hope you don’t mind if I stop and visit now and then. Talking out loud makes me feel like things aren’t so noisy in my head. I’ll see you later, Danny.”
/////
Evan turned out to be right about his conversation with his sister. She was moving away. Moving to Boston because Doug was going to be doing his medical school there. She was going to be working and taking night classes for some reason that didn’t make sense to Evan. Apparently it didn’t make sense to their parents either, because they got on her case and forgot he was even there. It wasn’t hard to sneak away, and it wasn’t hard to sneak back, either. He barely got to see Maddie even once more before she was gone, calling to say they were settling in and things were going well.
He was alone literally all the time after Maddie moved. He would meet his friends at the park or pool or something and eat a sandwich when he got home. The pantry was stocked, at least, so he was able to get something to eat whenever he got home. He just … hated being so alone. He got a small batch of flowers and decided to visit Daniel for his birthday. He was going to meet some friends at the skatepark and hang out in place of an actual party, which was fine with him.
“Hey man.” Evan said, dropping down beside the headstone and setting the new batch of flowers on the ground. “Sorry it took so long to come back. Things have been crazy, I swear. Maddie moved away. She left with her boyfriend since he’s going to medical school in Boston of all places. They’ve only lived there a little over a month, but it still sucks. It’s been a month by myself, pretty much. I make a pretty mean ham and cheese sandwich now, though. And I actually made mac and cheese and didn’t burn it or make the water boil over or anything! Sorry I can’t stay long today. I’m meeting some other kids to sort of celebrate my birthday. I turned nine today, ya know? Last year of single digits. I’ll probably come by once more before school starts in the fall, but it’s hard telling. Maybe I’ll just get a job cleaning up around this place so I can have a little money? Or not a job, exactly, since I am only nine. Something. Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, man. At least I don’t have to worry about you ditching me. Morbid, I know, but I like knowing I can come here. Until next time.” Evan patted the headstone and headed out, wanting to see everyone for a day that was meant to be about him.
He was pretty surprised when he saw his friends had some balloons and someone brought melting cupcakes they probably convinced their mom to buy at Walmart or something. Someone got a paper crown and taped it to his helmet and he rode through the park with it on his head as another guy took pictures on the disposable camera he’d gotten a pack of. It was an awesome day and he couldn’t wait to see how the pictures turned out. He dropped them off on his way home, the crown still taped to his helmet, drawing curious looks from randos.
/////
When Evan was a sophomore is when things went to shit for him. He visited Danny’s grave once every few months, bringing flowers or candies or something. Things he’d have shared with a brother if he’d had one. The kids he’d used to hang out with all sort of drifted into other circles when they got to high school. It wasn’t surprising, just annoying. Maddie didn’t call, hadn’t for about a year already. So he didn’t have anyone to talk to. Which meant he’d started visiting Danny’s grave once a month instead of every few months.
“I’m starting to think high school is society’s way of testing kids to see if they break and cave to peer pressure or fall into bully or be bullied, ya know?” Evan said as he sat beside Danny’s grave, leaning on the headstone. He’d brought a chocolate bar for each of them, setting the one for Danny right in front of his headstone. “I don’t get it. I knew there were cliques, I did. But I didn’t think people I’d been friends with for the past few years would just dive into their new groups and forget anyone they used to hang out with. It’s so dumb. I still go to the skatepark and do a lot of the same shit I’ve done for years and suddenly I’m doing it alone because everyone else is too cool or has another invite for another event. Parties or protests or whatever. I’m stuck as the weird kid who’s a total nerd but built like a jock. Sort of. I’m six feet tall and get harassed about playing sports constantly. Maybe I’ll try football or something, I don’t know-”
“Evan!” Evan jumped and turned to see his mom and dad looking horrified about something. It felt like that time Maddie had tried teaching him how to ride a bike when he was six.
“What are you doing here?” Evan asked, standing up and brushing the grass and leaves off his pants. “I’m not skipping school or work, I’m not doing anything wrong.”
“Us? What are YOU doing here?” Mom hissed. “How did you even find this- this-”
“I found this, like, five years ago.” Evan admitted. “He’s got the same name as me- as us, I guess, and he was just a kid.”
“You need to leave.” Dad said firmly, curling an arm around mom protectively. “This was never meant for you.”
“I just got here.” Evan argued. “I’m not hurting anything or anyone, so just go see whoever you came to see.”
“Go home. Now. We’ll discuss this when we get there.” Dad stated, giving him a look that said not to argue with him.
“This is bullshit!” Evan exclaimed. “I haven’t done anything wrong!” His parents didn’t change their stature so Evan shook his head. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll see you later, Danny.” Buck patted the headstone and turned to go get his bike. He rode home, dreading whatever his parents would yell at him about as soon as they got back. He was literally just talking to a headstone. Like everyone else who visited cemeteries. He went to his room and waited.
It took over an hour for his parents to get home. Evan didn’t greet them. They’d have to come to him if they wanted to talk. They’d ignored him for years, and he wasn’t going to start making things easier just because they caught him doing something they weren’t aware of. Maddie didn’t even know what he did. No one did. His dad stopped by to tell him they were going to have an early morning the next day and they’d talk then. Apparently mom was still worked up about something or other. She always was, it felt like, whenever he was involved.
/////
Dear Danny,
Yeah, I’m having to write this postcard because I got shipped off to some stupid fucking military school. The day after I visited, some people showed up at the house and I got maybe 20 minutes to pack some personal shit to take with me. I screamed at mom and dad that I hoped they were happy because once I walked out that door they’d never see me again. I don’t care if it was mean. They can sit in that. I’m not letting them dictate my life anymore. Well. Not after I graduate, I guess, since this is a boarding type school and I’ll never be going home again. I’m … I’m mad. I’m angry. I was debating on sending a letter to Maddie, but there’s nothing she can do. Not that you can do anything, but I feel better being able to at least talk to you this way. Thanks for being there for me.
Love,
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny,
I really suck at this. Seriously. But here we are, a few weeks from graduation and I have a total of two options in front of me. Graduate and become a homeless weirdo, or enlist and be a federally paid weirdo. I’ve already made it through all this crap, and I don’t actually have anything else waiting on me. It’s- it could be good. If I manage to get a decent school, anyway. My scores aren’t awful, so that’s something. I always sort of thought I’d spend my graduation night hanging out with you, as morbid and lonely as that seems. I’ll figure it out. Somehow. Love you, man.
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny,
What the fuck was I thinking?! Oh my god. SEAL training. Like, SEALs. I’m the youngest person here! The one and only thing I guess I can thank mom and dad Phillip and Margaret for is that I don’t have normal emotional reactions to literally anything. I feel like I’m riding an incredibly high adrenaline rush while simultaneously having the longest panic or anxiety attack known to mankind. Can you do both at the same time? Because fuck. Pretty sure that’s what’s happening. This program is like two years long. I’ll let you know if I survive. And, ya know. Where all I end up because of this shit. It’s weird that you’re my anchor through all this, right? Like, I don’t even know anything about you but you’re just … stuck in my head. This little blonde haired kid with kind eyes and a mischievous smile. Like me. I’ll tell you all about this when I can come visit. Because I’m coming to visit before I get shipped anywhere.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny,
I made it!! I finished! Holy shit that was insane. Ok. So I’m coming to visit in a few days and then I gotta report to my first assignment, which will inevitably end up with me overseas for however long. I’m Army, but I’m a SEAL, so it’ll be different. Fingers crossed I don’t fuck this all up. Honestly I want to succeed just to spite P and M. I put Maddie down as my point of contact for everything, even if I haven’t seen or heard from her in years by now. Weird that I’m 21 finally and I’m a SEAL instead of living next to a dumpster or being a bartender or something. You know how weird it is to make a will and other legal documents of what to do if you get hurt when you don’t feel like an adult? Well, no, you probably don’t. Kinda wish you were real so I could tell you all this in person, so I could feel less alone. The guys I’m gonna be on a team with seem alright, but they all have families. People they love, all that crap. I’ve got a forever nine year old that I write to to keep me sane.
Anyway, I’ll see you soon!
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny, -
“You write a lot more than your team.” Buck looked up from the postcard he was trying to write and found the medic he’d talked to, like, twice, sitting across from him in the mess hall. “They take phone calls or do video chats. You don’t do any of that.”
“And?” Buck asked, scowling at the man.
“I’m Eddie.”
“Buck.” Buck said, looking back at his postcard. All he had written was the address and plot number.
“I found out my high school girlfriend was pregnant so we got married. She had him when I got out of training before I was stationed at Ft. Hood, which was fine since I’m from El Paso.” Eddie said conversationally.
“So you ran from your wife and family to the Army?” Buck frowned, looking back up at him. “I mean, the insurance is great, and the pay is pretty much guaranteed, but … that seems extreme.”
“I was 19.” Eddie shrugged. “Had to step up and be the man.”
“Right.” Buck snorted. “The man you were no doubt told to be from elementary school.”
“Yup.” Eddie agreed with a dorky, beautiful smile, making Buck chuckle at the quick answer before he slapped a hand over his mouth. He hadn’t meant to laugh. “He does have feelings.”
“Kinda.” Buck shrugged. “I just … Alright. Um. I got my nickname from my last name when I was in military school. Sort of stuck. I don’t have anyone to call. Or video chat. No one I know would answer, so I don’t try.”
“Why’d you go to military school?”
“I honestly have no fucking clue.” Buck sighed. “I … well, when I was younger I was with some friends helping clean up a local cemetery for a school community service type project. And a grave was pointed out to me. It was … it was a kid’s grave. Daniel. Daniel Buckley. He would have died when I was around two, based on the dates on the headstone. I sorta couldn’t stay away after that. When I was feeling overwhelmed or something I’d just go talk to him. When I was 15, I stopped by like I had been doing for around five or six years by that point. I’d only just started talking when … Phillip and Margaret Buckley showed up.”
“Your parents?” Eddie asked curiously. He seemed genuinely interested.
“My sperm and egg donor.” Buck shook his head. “They shouted at me to go home and the next morning some guys were there to take me to this fucking military boarding school for troubled kids. I told them as I was being walked out of the house that they’d never see or hear from me again. And they haven’t. The last time I saw them was seven years ago. They aren’t even on any of my paperwork for if I don’t make it home.”
“You gotta have someone, though.” Eddie frowned.
“I put my big sister.” Buck admitted quietly. But Eddie perked up.
“You have a sister? I have two. Both younger, though.”
“Maddie’s, like, 11 years older than me.” Buck smiled at Eddie’s excitement. “She’d been gone for a few years already when I got sent away.”
“Sophia’s my middle sister, she’s turning 19 soon, and Adriana is the baby. Like you, I guess. She’s 14.”
“How old are you?” Buck asked curiously.
“Twenty-two.” Eddie said with a heavy sigh. “With a nearly four year old at home.”
“What’s their name?” Buck asked. “I told you who I write to.”
“Christopher.” Eddie said with a soft smile. He pulled a medallion of some kind out from under his shirt and showed it to Buck. “This is him and his mother.”
“He’s super fucking cute.” Buck smiled at it. Unsurprised when Eddie puffed up, looking at the picture himself.
“He got diagnosed with CP when he was about 18 months old. Signing a second contract seemed like a no-brainer. The insurance is too good to pass up.” Eddie sighed defeatedly. “Shannon was pissed. I hadn’t talked to her about it before I did it.”
“Are you sure you wanted to even be married?” Buck frowned. “You could have signed up and gotten the insurance and everything for Christopher as your dependent without getting married.” Eddie snapped the locket closed and Buck saw it was some sort of religious thing. “Or not. Guess you were raised in a church and you were both pressured to ‘do the right thing’ like it’s the 1800’s, not the 2010’s.”
“Pretty much.” Eddie agreed. “I liked Shannon. I still do. But we were still figuring ourselves out. We had an oops and now we’re both miserable.”
“Why’s she miserable? On base housing and daycares are good.” Buck frowned.
“She’s staying in a house near my parents so they can … help out.” Eddie admitted, looking frustrated and ashamed.
“Fuck that.” Buck scoffed. “No, does she have any family? No offense, but if you were both pressured because of your family, and sorry for stereotyping, but hispanic and Catholicism sort of go together,” Eddie snorted and nodded, “she needs to be somewhere she can actually get support. From her family. She’s a new mom, and if she has family, surely they're more supportive and open minded than your parents?”
“Maybe.” Eddie agreed reluctantly. “I’ll ask her the next time we talk. Figure out a way I can maybe trick my sisters into helping her move.”
“The nice thing is your parents can’t do shit about her moving as long as you both are aware and can prove she isn’t kidnapping your son.” Buck pointed out.
“How’d you end up with the SEALs?” Eddie asked, changing the subject.
“Just kinda did.” Buck said, tilting his head a bit. “I was already an ordnance expert, and then they said they wanted me to apply and see what happened. I didn’t think I’d make it. I swear every other week I thought I was gonna die or drop out. But I made it. No one else here talks to us. What made you?”
“Because no one else talks to you guys.” Eddie shrugged. “And I figured we were close in age, so I’d at least have luck with you.”
“Buck!” Buck looked up and found his team lead in the door giving him a nod to join him, which meant they were going out again.
“Want me to hold onto that for you?” Eddie offered, gesturing to the postcard.
“I don’t … really share Danny.” Buck said hesitantly.
“I’ll safely store it with my things so you can finish it when you get back in.” Eddie promised. “I like talking to you. If I hold it it means you’ll have to talk to me again.”
“Alright.” Buck laughed, reluctantly handing the postcard over.
Afghanistan kinda sucked, but after having met Eddie, Buck was less grouchy (according to his team, not him). Buck always brought a postcard and wrote a bit while they talked, getting to know a little about each other. Eddie talked and hung out with the other medics and Soldiers, but he purposely went to the mess hall and sat with Buck when he saw he was there. Eddie admitted to telling Shannon to go see her mom, taking Christopher with her. Apparently she got really emotional about it because Eddie wasn’t all that comfortable talking about it. But he mentioned he had an aunt and a grandmother who would actually help instead of criticize her in LA where her mom also lived. Which perked Buck up. He’d always wanted to visit LA. Shannon had even brought up the possibility of them getting a divorce whenever Eddie came home. After they talked and had a solid plan for care for Christopher.
Eddie was leaving before Buck’s team was. It sucked that he had to lose the friend he’d made in the mess that was war, but he was happy Eddie was going to go home and get some resolution. Maybe even closure or therapy about what their rushed backyard wedding meant since he and his wife had only been actually dating a few months when they found out about Christopher. Eddie wrote him a postcard once he was back on Ft. Hood. With a phone number and an address in California. Eddie was only taking some post-deployment leave before returning to duty, though. Making sure Shannon and Christopher were actually set up and having a good life.
/////
Dear Danny,
Everything feels a little … weird. Now. With Eddie gone. I don’t even know why. We only knew each other for a few months, not long at all. I’ve added him to my postcards now. So I send these to you and him. He actually sent me a picture of him and his kid, too. Saying he couldn’t wait for me to be home to meet them all. I’ve … I don’t know how to do this, though. How to keep doing what I’m doing knowing there’s a little boy out there that apparently knows who I am now and wants to meet me. I’m gonna need so much fucking therapy when I get done with this it isn’t funny. I’ll come see you when I’m around again. I always do. Things are just … getting rough. You know, I didn’t have the heart to tell Eddie I turned 23 the day he left. He turned 23 shortly after we met. So we’re really close in age. I hope I can introduce him to you one day. It’s not really the same as him introducing me to his kid, but it kinda feels that way. Hope someone is keeping your plot nice since I’m not there to do it anymore. Might have to bribe a flower delivery to send a chocolate bar to leave for you.
Thanks for being there for me. In this weird round-about way.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
It only took a few more months before Buck was back stateside and able to visit Danny again. He laughed a little when he found a bouquet and some gummy bears and a card that had obviously been made by a toddler signed by Eddie and (presumably) Christopher. He added his own to the stash and took a picture with the new fancy cell phone he’d gotten. He sent it in a text and wasn’t surprised that it rang immediately.
“Hey.” Buck answered, smiling as he sat beside Danny like usual.
“You’re back!” Eddie cheered.
“For a bit, yeah.” Buck chuckled. “I’ve got a week before I gotta report again. Figure out where I’m going next.”
“Only a week?” Eddie asked with a bit of a whine.
“Guys like me don’t really get breaks, Eds.” Buck snorted.
“I know.” Eddie said quietly. “I gotta head back again soon, too. Took a weekend trip to LA to see everyone. It’s nice figuring out how to be friends with Shannon again. Anyway, I’ll let you go since I know I’m cutting into your time with Danny. I’m glad he got our gift. I was worried it might end up in the wrong place.”
“He got it.” Buck hummed. “Thanks for thinking of him.”
“And you.” Eddie argued. “Call me later sometime. When you aren’t visiting your family.”
“Later.” Buck said softly, smiling as Eddie echoed it and the call ended. “One of these days I’m not gonna be too afraid to look you up. I’m going to figure out who you are and if we really are related. It’s probably gonna break my heart, which is a big part of why I haven’t done it yet. It’s … I know I wrote and said it was weird being over there, but it’s almost weirder being back. I keep … it’s so dumb. God, it’s dumb. I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do, ya know? Like, I hated it so much in the beginning, but now I don’t think I can function without it. I’m gonna need something pretty task oriented when I finally stop doing this. The trees look nice here. Kinda forgot how green everything was. It’s a good spot.” Buck just sat for a while and listened to the wind and watched the other few visitors wander around and deposit flowers. “I hope Maddie’s doing ok. I hate that I feel like I’m … starting to forget her. I was so little when I saw her last. And here I am, a grown man. A grown man who just wants to see his big sister again, even if I’m positive I’m bigger than her now. That’s really the biggest regret I have about not keeping in touch with Phillip and Margaret. They were my tie to my sister. Well. Before I get too maudlin, I’m gonna head out. I’ll let you know when I can be back again.”
“Evan Buckley.” Buck looked up and saw a middle aged man standing there, smiling. “You sure grew up, kid.”
“Had to happen at some point.” Buck nodded.
“You don’t know me, do you?”
“Not- um. No. I’m sorry, I don’t.”
“Frank Herford. My brother, Randall, was the primary caretaker when you started visiting. He passed about a year back and I took over for him. Told me he got post cards for a plot every so often when he was talking me into taking over for him. To make sure I put them out.”
“I really appreciate you doing that.” Buck said gratefully, holding a hand out to shake. “Danny’s sort of been my anchor for a lot of crap. Starting way back then and, well. Hard habit to kick.”
“There’s a few of us that know when you send a card where it goes. Last I knew you was still overseas, though.”
“Got back a couple days ago.” Buck nodded. “Got a few more days before I leave again. Sending more postcards from somewhere else.”
“Speaking of-” the man snapped his fingers and beckoned for Buck to follow him. He stopped inside the little information shed and pulled a stack out. “We collected some from all over the place, in case you wanted to pretend you were somewhere other than a desert.”
“You didn’t have to do this.” Buck said, feeling choked up.
“You’re doing a hard thing, kid. Least we can do is make it easier for you to reach your safe space. Thank you for doing what you do. For your service. Did a stint myself in the 80s with the Marines. You write any chance you get and we’ll have more cards for when you come through again.”
“Thanks.” Buck swallowed thickly, tipping the postcards up and giving the man a small smile before walking away. It was a really sweet gesture.
/////
Dear Danny,
How the hell do I miss the desert?! I’m in an actual jungle, a place I always wanted to see, but dude the pests? Not what I anticipated. Some guys started calling me ‘Toy Story’ because there was an actual snake in my boot and all I could do was stare at it where it was coiled up and asleep where my heel goes before blurting out that there was a snake in my boot. What’s Toy Story? Every time I ask someone they just start laughing like I’m ridiculous. Apparently it’s old enough I should have watched it. So now they’re all making lists of movies that I need to watch at some point. I never really watched much tv so I don’t understand what the big deal is. I wonder if you watched a lot of movies? What kinds were your favorites? I bet you’d always sit with the popcorn in your lap with twizzlers nearby to hit me with when I got too into whatever we watched.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Hey Buck,
Did you miss me?
Eddie
-
Buck frowned at the postcard he was handed. He was back in the desert and was about to write another note to Danny when he got it. It was from Fort Hood. He couldn’t figure out what it meant until there was a tap on his shoulder and looked up and found Eddie smiling at him.
“What the fuck? Eddie?” Buck laughed, standing up and hugging the man whether he wanted it or not.
“Hey, Buck.” Eddie laughed.
“Thought you had a few more months before you’d end up back here again.” Buck said, cleaning up his stuff to walk with Eddie who didn’t look like he was going to be sitting down.
“Needed to get further away from El Paso.” Eddie shrugged. “To say my parents aren’t happy that Shannon is living in LA, is an understatement. But her and Chris are doing well and the divorce is in progress. Chris is obviously still my dependent, so his medical expenses are covered.”
“How is my favorite Diaz?” Buck teased and Eddie snorted.
“Good. Happy as a clam at the ocean. Here.” Eddie pulled out a printed picture of him, Shannon, and Chris at the beach with a really wonky sand castle. “Sophia came out for a weekend to see us, said she missed seeing Shannon and Chris every day, so now they have weekly phone calls to get caught up. Adriana will be included once she gets a phone, so that’s good. I’m glad they all still get along.”
“Aye! We get Captain America and the Winter Soldier back together!” Buck gave a disappointed look to the Specialist who cheered. Eddie probably had a bitchy look on his face because the guy laughed like it was his birthday and a few others were laughing as well.
“I already told you I don’t understand that reference.” Buck grumbled.
“Not a comic movie fan?” Eddie asked curiously.
“Just- I don’t know.” Buck shrugged. “I don’t really watch movies or tv, never really have. So my teammates have been writing out lists of movies or shows I need to binge watch at some point. I guess I could have watched some things with all the kids I was in school with since they watched a lot of movies in our down time, but I usually just read or kept to myself while writing my postcards. None of them could figure out why I was there. By the time we graduated they’d come to the consensus that I was there as part of a classified social experiment.”
“I could see that.” Eddie snickered. “Wanna catch up while I run inventory? You can even hold the clipboard so I don’t lose it while I’m sorting.”
“I do love a good checklist.” Buck grinned. Eddie rolled his eyes, but Buck still followed him into the medic tent to help him out.
/////
Dear Danny-
“Suit up!” Buck jolted but still jumped to his feet at the command, shuffling his postcard into his pockets. “We got an out and back recon mission while the medics run a pick up. We’re also meant as extra security should shit get outta hand.”
“Buck,” Buck looked at his team lead, waiting while everyone else headed out to the vehicles from the command from the Ops NCO, “it’s just a precaution. The medical team that’s out- Diaz is on it.”
“Of course he is.” Buck sighed, nodding his thanks before going and jumping into his truck behind the wheel.
They’d been in Afghanistan for about eight months together this time. Buck had only been there for two months before Eddie got in, but he knew Eddie would be heading back home soon. So he needed to make sure Eddie stayed clear to do that. That he was able to get home to his kid. So of course shit had to go sideways. They were a few clicks out when they saw the chopper go down. They reached it pretty quickly and were able to protect the medical team that was in bad shape. Eddie had at least three bullet wounds, but he kept his team alive and somewhat safe until Buck’s team could get there and get them out. Buck couldn’t help yelling at him in Spanish for freaking him out like that. It only made Eddie laugh and squeeze his hand as much as he could.
“Buck?” Eddie basically whispered as he woke up while Buck sat by him in the medical tent, waiting for the injured to be loaded up to head to Germany.
“You worry me like that again I’ll fuck you up, Eddie.” Buck huffed. Eddie only smiled and relaxed against the cot.
“Thanks. For coming.” Eddie said softly.
“You’re gonna be heading out soon.” Buck said more quietly. “Heading to Lundstuhl to make sure you’re stable before heading home. Can- can I offer some advice?”
“You’re going to anyway.” Eddie grinned a little, clearly amused.
“Do not stay in El Paso longer than you have to. Go to LA, maybe stay with your aunt or grandmother while you work with the VA there. It’s a bigger city, so you’ll have better options for physical therapy and all that other shit. And maybe you’ll get lucky and get to have your and Chris’ appointments together.”
“I don’t want him to see me like this.” Eddie sighed.
“Well, it’s either you hide out from him for at least a year while your body heals, or you let him see how determined you are. Show him how to stand back up from an injury or set back. Maybe go to school and use those medic skills to become a nurse or PA or something at the same time. And if that’s all too slow, become a paramedic. Those guys have to think just as fast as you had to here.”
“Paramedic, huh?” Eddie said, looking thoughtful. “Might be alright.”
“You’ll be an annoyingly beautiful paramedic who might cause as many issues as you fix.” Buck smiled when Eddie laughed, holding his sides and trying not to move too much. “I’ll try to swing by and see you when I get out or have a break. Something.”
“You better. I better get postcards and phone calls.” Eddie poked at him.
“Alright, boys and girls, let’s get you on your way home.” Buck stood up when the doc came in and the medics monitoring the patients started to get the other cots lined up. Eddie grabbed his hand, though.
“You made this all feel worth it.”
“What?” Buck frowned, holding Eddie’s hand gently as his gear was prepped on the cot with him.
“This whole shit show my life became. The Army. This fucking desert. You’re a good friend and I met you through all this.” Eddie huffed. “Just- be smart, ok? Be smart, don’t forget about me, and come see me when you’re home.”
“Yeah, of- of course.” Buck agreed, swallowing thickly. “I owe your kid and ex-wife ice cream, at least, for us getting to meet. I’ll- I’ll see you, Eds. Some time.”
“Some time.” Eddie agreed, finally letting go of his hand and resting it on his chest while he was picked up and moved.
/////
Dear Danny,
I was planning to have seen you by now, but we got rerouted to another location. So a postcard is all you get. Also sending you some of these weird candies I found here. Can’t decide how I feel about them. I don’t really like sweets, but these ones are weird enough I had to share. I sent some to Eddie, too. Wish I could see his face when he tries them, but maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll try them and Shannon will record it and show me whenever I can actually visit. I’ve … I’ve started making actual phone calls now. It’s so weird, I never made them before I met Eddie, and now whenever we have a chance to make a call I’m trying to calm myself down so I can talk to him and not freak him out about what I’m in. Pretty sure he picks up on it anyway. Christopher is walking so well with his adorable little forearm crutches! It’s so exciting, I wish I could cheer him on in person. He’s so amazing. I’m so amazed by that kid. It’s so funny and adorable when he steals the tablet from his dad and babbles to me when I call. One of the guys told me my family was adorable when they saw me end my call with them. It’s just- they aren’t. Mine. Not really. Or maybe not yet? I don’t know. It’s so confusing. I get so flustered when Eddie wants me to talk just to hear me talk. Even if it’s the middle of the night for him. Can’t believe I’m getting worked up about a guy. I don’t remember being this flustered since middle school when a girl asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. I’ll try to see you soon, but you know it’s nothing I can promise. I hope Frank is taking care of your plot. I also will not be surprised if he sends me a note back telling me to relax, that you’re fine. Anyway, see you when I see you.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Dear Eddie,
Hey.
Buck
-
Buck stood nervously on the sidewalk after watching the mailman deliver his postcard. He has no idea how he managed to pull up to the cute little house just as it was delivered, but he did it. Eddie came out, clearly not awake yet, sweatpants hanging low on his hips, cut off shirt revealing a lot of tan skin, and his eyes barely open as he grabbed his mail and went back inside. Buck couldn’t help smiling as he waited. Not even two seconds later the door was thrown open and Eddie was staring at him. Eddie laughed and smiled before running and basically jumping on Buck. Buck laughed and caught him, hugging him as tightly as Eddie was hugging him.
“You’re a dick.” Eddie said, finally putting his legs down and standing back, holding Buck’s shoulders and looking him over.
“Sometimes.” Buck chuckled.
“How long?”
“Two days.” Buck sighed. “Leaving out of San Diego after that. Figured I’d swing by since I was close.”
“Make it to see Danny yet?” Eddie asked, tugging him forward to follow him into the house.
“Yeah, saw him a couple days ago. Didn’t know if I’d be able to come by or not, ‘s why I didn’t mention it when we talked on the phone.” Buck admitted, stepping into the house and looking around.
“Bucky!” A small voice screamed out excitedly. “Daddy! It’s Bucky!”
“It is, mijo.” Eddie chuckled, smiling as his son climbed up off the floor carefully and hurried before crashing into Buck’s legs.
“Hey, kiddo.” Buck chuckled, carding a hand through his hair like it was natural. “Nice to finally meet you.”
“Wanna play with me?” Chris asked hopefully.
“Sure.” Buck agreed, following Chris to his spot on the floor and sitting down with him. Eddie, of course, followed and sat beside him. “Hope I’m not ruining any plans for the day.”
“Didn’t have any.” Eddie shrugged. “It’s a weekend, so I don’t have classes. We were just gonna hang out here, but maybe we’ll drag you out to the beach or something.”
Chris sort of demanded Buck’s attention after that. Pushing legos and stuffed animals and anything he could in Buck’s face to show him, babbling about all of it. He understood some of it, but not all because the kid was talking to fast. Eddie looked incredibly amused by the whole thing, actually. It had only been about seven months since Buck had seen Eddie, but apparently it was too long, because Eddie barely let him go into another room without him following along. When the day was over and Chris was in bed, Eddie got them a few beers and then bullied Buck into bed with him, saying the couch would be a terrible idea since Shannon would be over in the morning to pick Chris up and Chris would no doubt wake Buck up early to watch cartoons with him until she got there.
Not like it was a hardship.
/////
Dear Danny,
I have a problem. That problem is Eddie Diaz shaped. I can NOT stop thinking about him. I really loved getting to spend a few days with him and his kid. It was so great. Even Shannon was awesome. But now I’m back in it. I adjusted some of my medical shit, though. I still have Maddie getting most of my assets should anything happen to me. But I also put Chris down to get a portion. And … I put Eddie down to make medical decisions for me. For if I can’t. Maddie will still be notified, still be informed, since she’s family, but Eddie is the one they call if I need some sort of life saving medical procedure. I should probably warn him about that. Not that I want to jinx myself, but it would be good for him to know. To be aware. I’ll figure it out. Probably. Maybe. Things just got so much more complicated after we met. I hope you got to experience something like this when you were younger. That you got to feel that excitement and fear about having a crush.
See you when I see you.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Dear Dan-
Buck could vaguely remember the sound of an explosion. He could remember heat, searing heat and pain, his ears ringing, before he was on the ground. Except he’d been in a vehicle, so that couldn’t be right. The gravel under his hands and in his face told him it was, even if it didn’t make any sense.
“Mayday, mayday, mayday!” Someone was shouting. “Team eight requesting med evac immediately!”
“Hang on, Toy Story.” Buck blinked his eyes open and found their CO, Steve, knelt beside him, blood smeared down his face. There was pressure on his shoulder to hold him down, keep him from moving too much. He didn’t think that would be an issue since his whole body felt like lead.
“What?” Buck rasped, having trouble thinking clearly.
“Do it!” The man screamed at the medic. “We’re losing time, we can’t stay, and the evac is en route.”
“Can’t- can’t feel my- my leg.” Buck coughed, his chest hurting as he felt some of his ribs definitely grinding.
“I don’t care if you hate me for this, but I’m getting you out alive, capiche?” Buck looked blearily at his CO. “I need a verbal response, Toy Story.”
“If it- gets us the fuck out-,” Buck coughed again, “jus- just fucking do it. I can be pissed and alive. Can’t- can’t be pissed if- if we all get fucked here. And I can’t- can’t get mysel- self out.”
“Damn right.” The man agreed. “I’ll get you through this, help you pick out a new leg and everything. Won’t even complain when you hit me with it.”
“Can’t- can’t f- feel it a- any- anyway.” Buck rasped. “Fucking do it, Jenkins!”
“Cover me for at least 10 minutes.” The medic said. “Maybe 12.”
“We got it, just focus on keeping the blood loss minimal.”
Buck might have screamed a bit, but he put his face in his arm to keep it muffled as he felt the cut along his crushed leg. He passed out pretty quickly. When he woke up again, he was being laid down on a cot and strapped on. He felt like he blinked and they were in a helicopter in the air, barely dodging an RPG. Everything was a blur of lights and sounds and movement before he was aware he was in a quiet tent. He fell asleep again and the next time he woke up he was in a plane. Then he was in an actual hospital. He got to see some of his team, but he was still trying to figure out how to form words and say anything. Apparently he got a pretty nasty TBI. He understood enough to know that he was being sent to BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center) in Texas. Which meant he was pretty fucked up if he was going to AMEDD. His points of contact were being notified while he was in Lundstuhl. Which was fine. It meant Eddie would have enough time to get there to yell at him as soon as he landed.
Not that he wanted to worry or stress Eddie out, but he really needed a friend. Something familiar.
/////
“Wake up already so I can bitch you out.” Eddie’s low voice cut through the fog in Buck’s brain as he started to wake up. He blinked slowly, waiting for his eyes to focus a bit. He finally managed it and looked to see Eddie letting out a long slow breath.
“Hey, Eds.” Buck rasped.
“Hey.” Eddie said softly, reaching over and filling a cup of water for him and waiting to make sure Buck had a hold of it before letting go. “You scared the crap out of me. Having men in uniform show up, thinking you fucking died, having a panic attack, before they managed to tell me you were alive.”
“Don’t even really know what happened.” Buck said, setting his cup up on the tray, Eddie helping him steady it.
“You were ambushed. Way worse than my team.” Eddie said carefully. “Or maybe not worse, but just as badly. No one died in your ambush, though, unlike mine. Just your leg.”
“Yeah, but I still have the other one.” Buck smiled a little as Eddie gave him a disappointed look for trying to joke. “And still got most of my fingers.” Buck held up his hand that was still bandaged pretty good because he had lost part of his pinky and ring finger on his right hand from shrapnel. “Steve said he’d get me a new leg and that I could even beat him with it.”
“Not what I said.” Another voice drew Buck’s attention to the fact they weren’t alone.
“Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere?” Buck huffed.
“No. Took retirement.” Steve argued. “Gonna hit up Hawaii. Was offered a job out there. Can’t keep watching kids I train take hits like this.”
“You’re not my real dad.” Buck said petulantly, making Eddie snicker and Steve sigh disappointedly.
“I will ground you.” Steve said flatly. “You’re getting put through medical retirement, kid. When you’re cleared here, you’re coming to Hawaii for at least a month. You’re getting your prosthetic through Trippler. Then you can come back and play house with your boy here.”
“Where’s Chris?” Buck asked curiously.
“Shannon is showing him around the city a bit.” Eddie shrugged. “We got a hotel and she wanted to show him the Alamo since I saw all this shit when I was here for training and she was too pregnant to be able to come visit to see any of it.”
“I’m glad they get to have some fun.” Buck smiled.
“Your CO pulled some strings so we could all three come.” Eddie said, looking over at Steve.
“The mini-Buck you have would cause too much chaos being cooped up in the hospital as long as you’ve been here.” Steve shrugged. “Least I could do since they didn’t have room to board you anywhere else that worked for his condition.”
“I still have no idea how my kid and Buck have the same energy.” Eddie laughed lightly. “They’ve met in person all of one time and that was only for two days.”
“Speak of the devil.” Steve grinned, opening the door. Buck looked over and saw Shannon walking with Chris before they both looked up and saw Buck was awake. Chris’ smile took up his whole entire face and he hurried on his little crutches before barely avoiding crashing into the side of his bed.
“Bucky! You’re awake!” Chris said excitedly.
“I’ll be around. You got at least another week here, though. Soon as you’re cleared we’re heading out.” Steve said. Buck nodded before the man was gone.
“For the record, if you ever give Eddie another scare like that again, I’ll strangle you.” Shannon said, helping Chris shift up onto the bed beside Buck’s good leg. Or whole leg, anyway.
“Noted.” Buck snorted, wrapping an arm around Chris’ shoulders as the kid beamed at him and grabbed onto his hand. Carefully, since it was his bandaged one.
“I thought you had your sister to be notified.” Eddie commented.
“She should have been.” Buck shrugged. “I had her and you both down. Haven’t talked to her in around twice Chris’ age, so I wasn’t sure if she’d think it was a bad joke or if she’d even try coming.”
“I’m sure she would.” Shannon hummed. “Eddie’s sisters barely left his side when he was recovering. You’ve only been here a day, so she might still be working on getting here. You never know.”
“True.” Buck agreed. “So what kind of snacks did you bring me?”
“If you’re gonna be a brat I’m gonna feed you those god-awful candies you sent me.” Eddie grumbled, reaching down and pulling a cooler into his lap that was cleverly disguised as a tote bag.
“They were weird, right?” Buck asked.
“I think the word you’re searching for is gross.” Eddie argued.
“Nah, they were just weird.” Buck chuckled.
Buck enjoyed about an hour with everyone before he was feeling tired again. Shannon and Eddie had to coax Christopher away with promises they’d be back the next day. Buck absently kissed Chris’ head when the kid finally agreed and left with his mom. Eddie pulled out a postcard though. A blank one. And a pen.
“I can write or you can try.” Eddie offered. “This has all been a lot, and I think you’ll feel better after an attempt.”
“Won’t be long if I write it.” Buck said, picking up the pen and trying to figure out how to hold it with his bandages. He switched to his left hand, hoping he hadn’t lost his ambidextrous abilities with his head injury. It was pretty shaky.
Dear Danny,
Made it out. Or most of me did. Get to be a pirate now. Brain is rattled, too. It’ll be a while before I can visit. Have a lot of healing to do.
Thinking of you.
Love you.
E.B.
Buck put the pen down because his head hurt from trying to focus for that little while. Eddie took the card and lowered the lights, giving Buck’s eyes a break. He sat with Buck until he fell asleep. Maybe longer, but Buck just knew he was there when he fell asleep.
/////
“We have a slight … situation.” Buck jolted awake at Steve’s attempt at calm. He’d been in the hospital most of a week and his head was aching less and less, but he still jolted awake at certain tones. “Do not freak out or the nurses will kick me out.”
“Noted.” Buck agreed, pushing a button to sit his bed up a bit.
“The team that went to notify your sister has been held up.”
“What? Why?”
“Her husband was less receptive than we anticipated. Maddie apparently froze and just stared at the notification officers while her husband tried to force them to leave. When he slammed his hand on the table, well. Your sister reacted and was present again.”
“No.” Buck argued, gritting his teeth.
“The problem is that Maddie has been your primary for a long time. Meaning she has to sign some shit. Whether her husband agrees or not, she has to be the one to do it.”
“I know what she had to do, what the fuck did Doug do?” Buck growled.
“He’s currently being held in jail for assault on military personnel on official duty. Yelling at us, cussing us out, that’s all expected. Even your boy’s reaction is an expected one. That assault alone is gonna keep him tied up in court for a while. Your sister is refusing to sign anything until she sees you. She doesn’t believe us, even though we showed her several pieces of paperwork and a few pictures identifying you. I don’t know if she’s in denial or if she is in that much mental distress. She has to be cleared by a psychiatrist in order to be able to make any decisions or sign anything.”
“What does that mean for me right now?” Buck asked tiredly.
“It means next week we’re going to Hawaii because you’ll be transferred to the hospital there. Plan stands. She’ll be provided transportation to where you are once it’s all cleared up. You’re not involved in what’s happening there. They have my contact info and will let me know if they need to have a virtual meeting with us for any sort of additional verification. They shouldn’t. But there is another side to it all. Your parents are going to end up being called.”
“They aren’t my parents, don’t fucking call them that.” Buck argued firmly.
“Your genetic donors.” Steve conceded. “You already know how I feel about them, so we aren’t getting into that again.”
“Getting into what again?” Eddie asked as he, Shannon, and Chris showed up. Steve got a bit tense, though.
“Just keep me in the loop and get me to a beach already.” Buck told Steve. Steve nodded and left them alone.
“That seemed … tense.” Shannon said hesitantly.
“It’s a situation that’s being handled.” Buck waved her off. Except that wasn’t going to work, not with the Diaz family.
“Who’s involved?” Shannon pushed.
“My sperm and egg donor, and my sister.” Buck sighed. “How were you able to get off work to be here? Either of you?”
“I work remotely, so I’m able to work a few hours in the evening while Eddie tackles bedtime duty and one more story and a glass of water, and so on.” Shannon said, tickling Chris for each thing she listed, making him giggle.
“I’m taking classes, but they’re allowing me to take them from home or online while we make sure you’re good. Should be ready for my paramedic test and certification stuff about the time you’re getting ready to run.” Eddie shrugged. “I let them know I was notified by the military about an injured family member returning from combat and I don’t think they could agree and set me up faster if they tried. It was actually pretty impressive.”
“Probably helped that you had official paperwork to verify it all.” Buck snorted.
“Shannon is going to go back to LA with Chris so he can stay in a bit of a routine when you’re ready to move. I’m coming with you at least for a little while. If you’re ready to come back when it’s time for me to certify, great. If not, I’ll have to come back to take my tests and get my station assignment at that point.”
“And if I’m not back in LA sooner than later then you’ll find a way to get me dragged back.” Buck grinned. “If Steve’ll let me out of his sight, anyway.”
“He’s way more involved than I expected a CO to be.” Eddie said cautiously.
“You know how we are.” Buck arched an eyebrow at him. “You said it yourself when we met. No one talks to us. Yeah, we have our chain of command, but it’s different for our crews. He shouldn’t even have been on that mission, but he was because he was losing his mind knowing we were close but hadn’t gotten close enough. Instead we end up too close. We spend longer hours secluded together than you all ever did. Different environment. He’s … somewhat more diplomatic when he has to be. He’s also the last choice to give any sort of debrief to higher ups because he doesn’t bullshit anyone.”
“You’re giving me extra information to distract me, don’t think I didn’t notice that.” Eddie said, sitting down and pulling his kid up in his lap. “What do your genetic donors have to do with anything?”
“Nothing, currently.” Buck grumbled. “Things apparently … got complicated when they notified Maddie. Like, her husband is in jail now, complicated. Maddie digging into my past to find out why the hell I ended up in the military, complicated.”
“Oof. Guess I’ll see if Sophia can get me a good bottle of Mexican tequila while she’s on her honeymoon so I can offer it to her.” Eddie grimaced.
“Right, because that worked out so well for you and your sisters.” Buck chuckled. “You said Adriana was puking for two days afterwards.”
“It was fun in the moment.” Eddie shrugged. “After, not so much. And she’s only 16, so we didn’t make fun of her too much.”
“When was this?” Shannon asked, sitting beside Eddie and looking at him.
“When I was recovering and staying in Abuela’s old house instead of with mom and dad.” Eddie admitted. “Apparently mom had been trying to convince the girls that they needed to convince me to get full custody or find a way to prove both of us unfit so she could have Christopher. She’s still pissed that I agreed LA was a better place for both of you. For all of us.”
“Please tell me you confessed to your mom why we really split?” Shannon asked, looking far too delighted.
“You mean did I tell my strictly Catholic Texan mother that I was incredibly gay and that was why you and I would never work out?” Eddie deadpanned. Buck couldn’t help laughing at it, but Shannon was waiting for an actual answer. “I’ll let her know when I bring my future husband or even an actual husband home. Be more fun that way.”
“Let Adriana know when you’re doing it so I can be on video chat or facetime or something.” Shannon nodded. “Oh, I can’t wait to see how they react to you finally standing up for yourself.”
“I stood up for us. For just me feels … weird.” Eddie tickled Chris again.
“Can I come to Hawaii for my birthday if Bucky is still there?” Chris asked suddenly.
“Won’t you be in school, mister?” Buck asked, poking Chris’ knee. “You started kindergarten, right?”
“How about we schedule you to visit when you have your next break? That way we don’t have to take you out of school and you have a few extra days to enjoy seeing everything Buck will want to show you by then?” Shannon offered. “Daddy’s birthday isn’t long after yours so it can be for both of you. You turn six and daddy turns 25.”
“When’s your birthday, Bucky?” Chris asked curiously.
“Promise not to laugh?” Buck asked seriously. Chris nodded like a bobblehead. “April first.”
“No way.” Eddie said, then Shannon snorted, then Eddie did, then the two of them were snickering while Chris giggled at his parents.
“Yup, your dad turned 23 after we met and I turned 23 the day he left.” Buck said with a grin. “I think it’d be really fun to have an in-between birthday for you two to hang out with me on the island. When I’m not in PT your dad can help me scope out things we can do together.”
“It’s Hawaii.” Eddie rolled his eyes. “I’ll probably just want to spend the whole time eating and staying far, far away from the volcanoes.”
“We won’t be on an island with the active ones.” Buck chuckled. “But we could probably score a boat tour near them. Otherwise I’m good staying on the main island.”
Buck sent one more shakily written postcard to Danny before Shannon and Chris were heading back to LA and Buck and Eddie were on their way to Hawaii. Since Eddie was a trained medic and nearly a certified paramedic, he was given all the care instructions for Buck while they would be en route. Steve was already gone and would meet them when they got off the plane to get set up on the installation (or near enough) for their few month stay. The postcards from Hawaii would probably be funny to receive because Buck was sure to be either really happy or really grumpy, depending on the day he decided to write.
/////
Dear Danny,
My CO somehow managed to get the list of all the movies and shows the guys were writing down that I needed to watch (according to them). So now I have Eddie and a few other people making sure I work through some of it. Eddie did say that I should wait to watch the animated ones with Chris, because Chris is a big disney fan. This rehab shit is no joke, man. I stand up and feel so off balance and by the time I feel like I find balance, I’m exhausted and PT is over. Everyone says swimming will help with my cardio, but it’s not like I can kick around a pool, let alone in the ocean. Eddie still signed us up for a sort of assisted surfing class. He’s going to be the one surfing while I try to hang onto the board and not panic.
I’ll come visit when I head back stateside.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny,
Today’s … not great. I’m so fucking miserable right now. I’m trying to listen to everyone when they say I made it out, that I survived, but it’s just pissing me off. I screamed at Eddie. I … I screamed at him. I was just- I was in so much pain. I’m still in pain-
“Buck?” Eddie called cautiously, interrupting Buck’s writing. Buck closed his eyes and put his pen down.
“Go away, Eddie.” Buck said quietly.
“No.” Eddie said, walking over and sitting on the sofa beside him. “Yell at me.”
“What?” Buck glared at him, wanting to just be left alone but also wanting Eddie to stay.
“Yell at me.” Eddie said simply. “You’re hurt and pissed, and you need to get it out or it’ll eat you up and I am not letting you drown in negative bullshit. So yell at me.”
“I’m not fucking yelling at you Eddie.” Buck clenched his jaw, his eyes burning and his throat feeling tight. “Just go away.”
“No.”
“Eddie.”
“No.”
“Go the fuck away!” Buck burst out. “Jesus Christ, I just- I can’t- I don’t want your god damn pity or- or guilt or whatever the fuck it is!”
“I don’t pity you and the only guilt I have is that I wasn’t there. But if I had been, I’d probably be dead because I’m not trained like you are. Your entire team was injured in that mission, Buck.”
“That doesn’t make anything feel better!” Buck yelled. “It doesn’t change the fact I’m in constant fucking pain!”
“How constant?” Eddie asked, watching him.
“I should have just died out there!” Buck blurted out before he could stop himself. He put his face in his hands and then Eddie’s hand rested gently on his back and Buck lost it. He started sobbing like a baby. He just hurt all over and his leg was the worst. Eddie wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his chest and Buck hated that he clung to Eddie. He hated that he cried harder and that all Eddie did was murmur softly and rub his back as he laid back on the couch, pulling Buck over top of him. He was careful, so very careful, about avoiding touching Buck’s bad leg. Thunder crashed outside and the sky let loose and cried with Buck. After a while, he realized his leg didn’t hurt so bad anymore. And once the pain stopped stabbing through his leg, the rest of his body relaxed and he let out a shaky breath against Eddie’s chest. He must have fallen asleep for a while because when he woke up it was barely sprinkling. Not the torrent that let loose before he lost himself in his grief and pain.
“The pressure fronts,” Eddie said gently, carding a hand through his hair, “will always do this. I have bad pain days too. When the pressure in the atmosphere shifts, it pushes on those old wounds, making them feel new again and super fucking painful. You can’t hold it in, Buck. You have to be able to trust someone to either be in your space, in your pain, with you, or you’ll end up hurting yourself somehow.”
“I … didn’t think about that.” Buck admitted in a croaky voice. “I couldn’t think about anything, not really. It just … it made everything hurt, Eds.”
“It’s only been a few months. It’s gonna take time to figure it all out. If it hits while Chris is with us we’ll just have to see if he’s ok watching movies that day and just being a bum or terrorizing this room.”
“Thanks for not leaving me alone.” Buck whispered.
“You aren’t used to having someone to lean on.” Eddie shrugged before tugging gently on his ear. “I’ll get you to accept it at some point. That I’m here. That I’m staying. Even if you’re pissy and having a bitch-fit.”
“How do you get through it?” Buck asked, not sitting up even though he probably should. He was too worn out from how much pain he’d been in and how it sort of melted away. And Eddie was a very warm and comfy pillow to have.
“I was shot three times, Buck.” Eddie snorted. “You lost a limb and parts of your fingers. My pain is more of an annoying ache than anything. And it’s been over a year for me. I’ve had time to adjust and work through most of it. Do I still get bitchy when it hits? Yeah. But Shannon was in some therapy with me to learn how to help when I was feeling that way. Sometimes all I need is Chris and one of his silly animated shows running in the background to distract me. Other times I need to be alone and Shannon makes sure my aunt and grandmother know that I’ll need to eat while she takes Chris. Our custody agreement is pretty fluid and it’s split for us to share 50/50 anyway. My aunt and grandmother do not let me get away with feeling miserable for long, so it works out.”
“So am I staying with you and Chris, or with Shannon, or your relatives when I get to LA?” Buck asked, tugging the blanket off the back of the couch to pull over them. Eddie chuckled.
“Abuela has room, so with her would probably be best for now. Get you used to the city and people instead of just being a shut in and ending up being split between me and Shannon like Chris is. She’s pretty attached to having you in our lives since she knows you were the one who gave me the idea about her moving to LA to be close to her mom to begin with.”
“If she had been close with your parents before Chris, she’d probably have been fine. But she wasn’t. And you ran from them as much as you ran from being married to a woman you knew you liked but didn’t necessarily love. Not romantically.” Buck hummed. “Can you reach my phone? I want to bug Steve to bring us some food from that one stand he always goes to.”
“Already covered, Toy Story.” Steve announced walking in and setting some containers on the coffee table. “Your boy texted me earlier about today being a bad day.”
“Wish I had my leg closer so I could throw it at you.” Buck grumbled, wincing a little as Eddie sat them up. He rubbed Buck’s thigh to help ease some of the tightness. “I will do it at least once before going back to the mainland.”
“I have no doubts.” Steve snorted. “Eat. Me or someone else will be by later to make sure you get dinner, too.”
“Please don’t send your Danny.” Buck whined. “He’s such a fucking dad.”
“If you weren’t so much taller than him, I’d almost say you could be his kid.” Steve grinned. “Anyway, call if you need anything.”
“Thanks, sir.” Eddie said, grinning like an asshole. Steve gave Eddie a very disappointed look before leaving them alone again. “Finish your postcard and I’ll grab us some drinks.”
Buck nodded and picked his pen back up.
-
So apparently weather changes affecting injuries is a real thing. Should really have expected that. Well, I’ve had another sort of scream at Eddie, sobbed like a baby, and had a nap. The pressure lightened up so I’m … better. Still sore, but a hot shower or bath and some meds will probably help fix me up a bit more.
I’ll try to steer clear of writing on my bad days. Not sure it’ll work since I know I can vent to you and you can’t smother me with care and concern.
Love you man.
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny,
I surfed! Ok, Eddie surfed, but I was on the board! So it counts. The instructor actually thinks I can do it, though. He showed me this girl who only has one arm who does it. Which is kinda similar. To a degree, anyway. You need your arms to keep your balance. I can’t do the big waves or anything, but I can do the small ones. So the guy said. Can’t hurt to try. I mean, if I fall, I’ll just land in the water. Eddie found a paddle board thing we can try, too, so we’re gonna see how my prosthetic handles it. Chris’ll be here in a week, so that should be fun. Can’t believe it’s already his fall break. I gotta keep this short or Eddie’ll somehow piss off Steve again. He thinks it’s funny, but I think it’s a really bad idea.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny,
How To Train A Dragon. That’s it. That’s the movie that ripped me up and chewed me up and spit me out. This fucking animated movie about a boy who’s an outcast in his village and befriends a dragon. A dragon that had lost part of its tail, which meant it couldn’t fly without help. AND THEN! When the boy manages to befriend and make a new tail for the dragon, they fight this mega dragon and the boy loses part of his leg. This one fictional boy changed the minds of his entire village because he believed in himself and the dragons. So now, obviously, I have to dress up as Hiccup for Halloween while Chris dresses up as Toothless. Just a disabled guy and a disabled kid, dressing as two fictional disabled characters. I’m … gonna cry so much when he puts his little costume on, I already know it. I’ll send you a picture and hopefully I’m not too tear-stained in it.
Love you.
E.B.
/////
Dear Danny,
Eddie had to get back to LA to take his certification test. Shannon is trying to work it out so I can be there when he graduates, though. When he gets a station assignment. I’m really excited for it and also kind of dreading it. I’ve really enjoyed being in Hawaii to recuperate, but I do actually need to figure out how to be part of a society again. Not sure what I’ll do when I get back. Might just set myself up as an expert consultant or do some sort of contracted DOD job with local offices in LA. Should be interesting. I’ll try to swing a time me and the Diaz family can come see you. Depends when they have time, really, because I know they won’t let me come alone. Hopefully I’ll see you soon!
Love you.
E.B.
/////
“So this is it, huh?” Eddie asked, keeping a hand steady on Buck’s lower back. The path was a little weirder to walk when he was stepping with a prosthetic leg instead of his own. He almost preferred the sand of Hawaii to the pebble shit they used here. Chris sat down on a bench with Shannon nearby, letting Buck have a moment to put their flowers and candies down.
“Yup.” Buck held out a hand and Eddie took it, steadying him to kneel down to put the flowers in place before sitting beside the headstone. “Danny, this is Eddie. Eddie, this is my anchor for … a lot of crap, really. Daniel Buckley. Not quite nine, but close. I was his age when I found him.”
“Never looked to see if he was a relative?” Eddie asked, resituating the flowers a little.
“Didn’t have the heart to.” Buck shrugged. “Figured it would only break my heart, so I’ve just let it stay a mystery. He was still someone’s brother and son, he shouldn’t be forgotten. There were never any flowers or anything that I noticed in all the visits I made over the years. So either he doesn’t have anyone or the reminder that he’s gone is too painful.”
“I can see that.” Eddie hummed. “Well, Danny, thank you for letting me steal some of your time with Buck here and there. Not gonna apologize for it, though.”
“He’d probably call you an idiot if you did.” Buck snorted. “I like making up what kind of person I think he would be. He’d hog all the popcorn on movie nights, read the books he liked out loud in an over dramatic way, just to make me laugh. He’d definitely help me terrorize Maddie. I usually picture him with, like, my hair color and a mix of mine and Maddie’s eyes. We’re the only Buckley’s I know, so I just used that as my starting point. Felt right.”
“What color would that be?” Eddie asked curiously.
“Hazel or maybe a lighter brown.” Buck shrugged. “Maddie has brown eyes, same as Phillip, and dark hair like him.”
“Ah. So you probably look more like your egg donor with the light hair and bright eyes.” Eddie nodded.
“Yeah, but Maddie’s small like she is. I was so confused when Maddie stayed the same height for so long, but I kept growing. I was as tall as Philllip when I was kicked out, so I sort of towered over Margaret. I’d have been a giant to Maddie. Probably still will be whenever I see her again.”
“Yes, but until the court dates and all that crap is over you’re stuck with just the Diaz family.” Eddie flicked his knee.
“We’re not at risk of running into them, are we?” Shannon asked as she and Christopher joined them. Apparently they’d had enough time without Chris being able to hear the conversation. Chris plopped on the grass between Buck’s legs, pulling his hands around him. Buck chuckled and tickled him a little before just hugging him. Eddie and Shannon sat opposite them with amused smiles.
“Nah, pretty sure the time they caught me here was a total fluke.” Buck rolled his eyes when Shannon got her phone out to get a picture of them. She bullied Eddie a little and managed to get a selfie with all of them and even Daniel’s headstone. “Anyway, this is Daniel, my best friend and confidante. Not sure how much of my postcards Frank or anyone else read before putting them out, though.”
“Can we see the chocolate factory while we’re here?” Chris asked hopefully. “It’s HERSHEY. We HAVE to.”
“We were gonna surprise you with a trip there after lunch.” Eddie said, bopping his nose. “But the surprise is ruined now.”
“We can still go!” Chris argued excitedly. “We can all get M&M t-shirts of different colors and see what other stuff they have!”
“That sounds like an awesome plan.” Buck agreed, kissing the top of his head. “Let’s go grab some food. Why don’t you, and your mom and your dad, start heading for the car and I’ll be there in a sec?”
“You ok to get up?” Eddie asked rather than standing up.
“I’ll use Danny for extra support and walk really carefully when I’m leaving.” Buck nodded. “Just a minute, I promise. If I’m not at the entrance when that time is up, when Shannon manages to wrangle Chris into his carseat, come back for me.”
“Alright.” Eddie accepted, standing up. Both him and Shannon pulled Chris to his feet and walked on either side of him to the parking lot. Buck watched them go with a silly smile on his face.
“I think you’d really like them. I also think you’d give me shit about it, too.” Buck snorted to himself. “Probably only going to be able to swing coming out here maybe once a year now. Now that I’m out. Living in LA is … good. So far. Not that I’ve lived there long. Few weeks. But Abuela is great, and her and Tia Pepa fuss over me almost worse than Eddie and Shannon do. It’s honestly one of the coolest and most embarrassing feelings in the world. Kinda like when I wrote about panic and anxiety all those years ago. Only … better. So much better. I … I really hope you had something like this. That you had people who cared about you like I do. I mean, I had to find my people, but I DID find them. Now you have them, too. I probably better go, though. That kid will be driving them crazy until I’m back and we’re actually making some sort of progress toward the park. Maybe we’ll get some extra candy to drop off before we head out.” Buck bent his good leg and hefted himself to his feet again. “No complaining about helping me up, asshole. Can’t really bend my other leg the best, so deal with it. Alright. I’ll see you when I see you. Take care, Danny.” Buck only barely got back to the path when Frank was hustling toward him.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were here, kid? This path ain’t the best for prosthetics.” Frank admonished before pushing a cane into Buck’s hands. “I brought this in when I saw the cards about what happened. You keep this one and bring it the next time you come back. I have a few I keep stashed in the booth.”
“Alright.” Buck chuckled, accepting it and using it to help. “I’ve had the new leg a while, but some terrain still sucks ass.”
“You’re tellin’ me.” Frank huffed. “My wife had an amputation some years back and I had to start hiding her canes when she got in a mood and started swingin’ at me.”
“Shouldn’t have pissed her off.” Buck snorted.
“We’re married.” Frank shrugged. “We’re meant to piss each other off for the rest of our lives. That’s how it works.”
“I’ll take your word for it.” Buck nodded. He looked up and saw Eddie watching him get closer.
“Hi, I’m Frank.” Frank held his hand out to Eddie. “My brother used to tell me about this brat when he started visiting, always used to keep some extra candy handy for him, just in case.”
“Eddie. Met Buck overseas.” Eddie smiled.
“Oh, you’re Eddie.” Frank grinned at Buck, but Buck only rolled his eyes.
“You gotta stop reading those, man.” Buck told him.
“If you’d write a real letter, it’d be easier to do. But it’s a postcard.” Frank shrugged. “If you ever want ‘em back, you let me know. I photocopied all of ‘em.”
“Actually,” Buck looked at him, “could you figure out how to email the copies you have to me? I’ve … got an idea.”
“Sure, sure. I’ll ask my wife’s friend who volunteers at the library if her or her granddaughter can help me figure it out.” Frank nodded. “Here, let me get some paper.” Frank disappeared into the little office/shack he occupied most of the time and came back with a notepad. Buck wrote out his email while Eddie kept him balanced and held the cane. “I hope you’ll let me know what you do with all these.”
“Will do.” Buck smiled and passed the paper back. “You better email or call if you get ready to hand things over like Randall did without telling me.”
“Will do, kid. Take care of him.” Frank pointed at Eddie sternly.
“Even when he doesn’t let me.” Eddie agreed easily. Frank nodded in acceptance before Buck waved over his shoulder as they headed for the parking lot.
It was a nice visit, actually.