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Boredom had turned dangerous nearly twenty minutes ago.
It had begun innocently enough, with James Potter declaring that if he had to spend one more afternoon sitting in the Gryffindor common room while rain struck the windows, he was going to develop a tragic wasting illness and perish beautifully across the hearthrug.
Lily had told him to get on with it quietly.
James had then spent several minutes attempting to arrange himself upon the rug in a suitably heartbreaking pose, only for Sirius to step over him without looking and Peter to point out that nobody dying of a mysterious wasting illness usually paused to ask whether their hair looked good.
After that, they had gone wandering.
All eleven of them.
It was far too large a group to wander inconspicuously, particularly when the group contained James and Sirius, who seemed physically incapable of travelling through Hogwarts without making it everybody else’s problem.
“We could go to the kitchens,” Peter suggested for the fourth time, trailing beside Remus with his hands tucked into his pockets.
“We have already been to the kitchens,” Lily reminded him.
“Yes, but we’ve been walking for almost fifteen minutes since then.”
“You ate six jam tarts.”
“They were very small.”
“They were the size of your fist,” Mary said.
Peter held up his fist, considered it, and shrugged. “Exactly.”
Fabian and Gideon were walking backwards several paces ahead of everyone else, engaged in an increasingly heated argument over whether it was possible to charm a suit of armour into believing it was a prefect.
“You’re approaching this all wrong,” Fabian said. “It doesn’t have to believe it’s a prefect. It only has to convince everyone else.”
“That is believing it’s a prefect.”
“No, that’s impersonating one.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Confidence.”
Frank caught Gideon by the back of his robes a moment before he walked directly into a stone pillar.
Gideon glanced over his shoulder at it.
“Planted there deliberately,” he decided.
“It’s been there for centuries,” Alice said.
“Exactly. Premeditated.”
Marlene dragged one hand down her face. “We need something to do before they start trying to recruit the architecture into a criminal conspiracy.”
“The architecture started it,” Fabian said.
Sirius spun around and continued walking backwards, arms spread. “I propose a raid.”
“On what?” Remus asked.
Sirius hesitated.
“That,” he said eventually, pointing at a tapestry.
Everyone looked at the tapestry.
It depicted several witches in elaborate hats sitting beside a fountain and staring judgmentally at a wizard who appeared to have fallen into it.
Mary raised an eyebrow. “You want to raid a tapestry?”
“I hadn’t developed the proposal.”
“You hadn’t developed a thought.”
“That has never stopped him before,” Lily said.
James gasped. “Evans, that was cruel.”
“I was talking about Sirius.”
“That doesn’t make it less cruel. He’s delicate.”
“I am,” Sirius agreed solemnly. “Like an expensive vase.”
“Empty and easily smashed?” Frank suggested.
Alice immediately covered her laugh with both hands.
Frank’s ears turned red.
Sirius stared at him.
Then he pointed. “Longbottom’s getting vicious.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“No, no. Don’t retreat. Stand in your truth.”
“I’d rather stand somewhere else.”
“You can stand beside me,” Alice offered, smiling.
Frank moved closer to her with such immediate obedience that Marlene snorted.
They reached the end of the corridor and turned into another, equally empty stretch of castle.
Nothing moved apart from the rain crawling down the tall windows and the occasional portrait occupant shifting in sleep. Most of the school appeared to have found somewhere warmer and more interesting to spend the afternoon. Even the suits of armour seemed bored. One had slumped against its halberd with its helmet tipped forward.
James shoved his hands into his pockets.
“This is unbearable.”
“You say that every six minutes,” Remus observed.
“Because every six minutes, it becomes newly true.”
“We could study,” Lily said.
Ten faces turned towards her.
Lily looked back at them.
“What?”
“You’ve made it worse,” James whispered.
“I didn’t say we had to.”
“You introduced the possibility. The corridor is tainted now.”
“Do you ever stop talking?”
James grinned. “You’d miss me.”
“I’d sleep better.”
“See? You’re already imagining me in bed.”
Mary made a choking noise.
Marlene smacked James across the back of the head.
Lily’s expression suggested that murder might provide the afternoon’s entertainment after all.
Then Alice stopped.
“Wait.”
Everyone took another two steps before realizing she was no longer moving.
Frank immediately stopped beside her. “What is it?”
Alice tilted her head.
At first, there was nothing but the muffled drumming of rain.
Then a roar erupted from somewhere farther down the corridor.
Not a scream.
Not quite.
It was a burst of voices, all shouting at once, followed by several sharp bangs as though people were slamming hands against desks.
James’s head snapped towards the sound.
Sirius’s eyes lit up.
“Oh,” he said. “Crime.”
“You don’t know that,” Remus said.
“It came from an abandoned corridor.”
“We are in an abandoned corridor.”
“Yes, and look at us.”
“That is not evidence.”
Another cheer thundered through the stone walls.
This one was followed by a voice yelling something indistinct and several people howling with laughter.
Marlene straightened. “That’s definitely people.”
“Excellent observation,” Mary said.
“Shut up.”
The noise had come from one of the classrooms near the far end of the passage—a row of rooms usually left empty outside examination season. No lessons had been scheduled there for weeks.
Sirius began moving before anyone had agreed to move.
James fell into step beside him at once.
Lily sighed and followed because leaving the two of them unsupervised near suspicious noises was how staircases caught fire.
The others crowded after them, Peter suddenly far less interested in the kitchens.
As they drew nearer, individual voices became distinguishable.
Someone was chanting.
Several people were stamping their feet.
There came an explosive shriek that was unmistakably Barty Crouch Junior.
Sirius stopped so abruptly that James nearly walked into him.
“That,” Sirius said, “is Crouch.”
“And?” Remus asked.
“And wherever Crouch is, something appalling is happening.”
“Fair,” Marlene admitted.
Another voice cut through the noise—Evan Rosier, sounding deeply amused—and then the stamping resumed.
Sirius’s suspicion sharpened.
“Rosier too.”
James crept towards the nearest classroom door. It stood open by perhaps two inches, warm torchlight spilling through the narrow gap.
“Could be a ritual,” he whispered.
Lily grabbed the back of his robes before he could press his face directly into the opening. “Could be a club meeting.”
“A Slytherin club meeting.”
“Yes.”
“In an empty classroom.”
“Yes.”
“With Crouch screaming.”
Lily paused.
“All right,” she said. “Possibly a ritual.”
James looked vindicated.
Fabian nudged Gideon. “Five Sickles says they’re summoning something.”
“Ten says they already summoned it and it’s Crouch.”
“I’m not taking that. Too likely.”
Sirius placed one hand against the door and slowly eased it wider.
Eleven Gryffindors leaned forward.
The classroom was packed.
Desks had been shoved into a rough semicircle around an open space at the front. Some students sat on chairs, some perched on desks, and several had settled cross-legged on the floor. Candles hovered near the ceiling, bathing the room in flickering gold.
And nearly every robe in sight was trimmed in green.
Severus Snape sat near the wall with his arms folded and an expression of severe concentration, as though whatever was happening required academic scrutiny. Mulciber sprawled over two chairs beside him. Avery had his feet on a desk. Wilkes was sitting backwards on another chair, chin resting on its wooden back. Travers and Nott occupied the windowsill, sharing a packet of sweets and muttering to one another.
Evan Rosier stood near one side of the open floor with Pandora beside him. Pandora had threaded several tiny silver bells through the ends of her hair and was ringing them whenever she clapped. Dorcas Meadowes sat on top of a desk, one boot braced against the seat, watching the front of the room with the solemn attention of someone witnessing an important sporting event.
And Regulus was there.
Sirius’s suspicion immediately doubled.
Regulus stood beside the teacher’s desk with his arms folded, looking perfectly composed amid the surrounding chaos. He wore his school jumper with the sleeves pushed neatly to his elbows, and his dark hair remained infuriatingly immaculate despite the fact that Barty was currently bouncing around him like an escaped firework.
Sirius narrowed his eyes.
“What is my brother doing?”
“Standing,” Remus whispered.
“I can see that.”
“You asked.”
James peered over Sirius’s shoulder. “He looks sinister.”
“He always looks sinister.”
“He’s your brother.”
“Exactly. Genetic insight.”
Regulus turned his head slightly, apparently responding to something Evan had said. A small, sharp smile appeared at one corner of his mouth.
Sirius pointed through the gap. “That. Evil.”
“That was a smile,” Alice said.
“On him.”
“Still generally considered a smile.”
Peter pushed between Frank and Mary to see. “There are Hufflepuffs.”
That brought the whispered conversation to a halt.
There were, in fact, two yellow-trimmed uniforms in the room.
The first belonged to Aria Parkinson, who was slouched sideways across a desk with one battered boot planted on a chair. Her messy blonde hair was streaked with several dyed colours, and she was currently yelling something at Avery while waving a small paper bag of sweets over her head.
Sirius squinted.
“Parkinson makes sense.”
“How?” Frank asked.
“She’s a pure-blood menace with no respect for authority.”
“She’s in Hufflepuff.”
“An administrative error.”
Aria suddenly threw one of the sweets at Mulciber. It struck him directly between the eyes.
“See?”
The second Hufflepuff sat beside her.
She was a girl none of the Gryffindors recognised, with brown skin, glasses and a mass of long dark curls falling over her shoulders. She appeared far calmer than Aria, though she was laughing as she caught Barty by the sleeve and pulled him away from attempting to climb onto the teacher’s desk.
Barty immediately dropped beside her, said something with an exaggerated pout, and allowed her to fix the crooked collar of his robes.
Mary blinked.
“Who’s that?”
“No idea,” Lily said.
“She’s touching Crouch voluntarily,” Marlene whispered. “That’s concerning.”
“Maybe she’s a healer,” Peter offered.
“Maybe she’s his keeper,” Gideon said.
Fabian nodded. “Specialist handling.”
The unfamiliar girl finished straightening Barty’s collar.
Barty beamed at her as if she had personally placed the moon in the sky, kissed the back of her hand with theatrical devotion, then sprang to his feet again.
The girl rolled her eyes, smiling.
“Oh,” Alice murmured. “That’s his girlfriend.”
Every Gryffindor stared at her.
Alice gestured towards Barty, who had just turned back to the girl and blown her a kiss from less than three feet away.
“That seems fairly obvious.”
“Crouch has a girlfriend?” Sirius whispered, appalled by the concept.
“Why do you sound personally betrayed?” Remus asked.
“Because there is someone in this castle who looked at that and went, yes, I’ll keep it.”
Inside the classroom, Evan clapped his hands sharply.
The room immediately erupted.
Students hammered their palms against desks. Avery whistled through his fingers. Pandora raised both arms, bells chiming. Dorcas thumped the heel of her boot against the wooden seat.
Barty spun towards the open space at the front.
His grin widened until it looked nearly deranged.
Regulus unfolded his arms.
The Slytherins began chanting his and Barty’s names in competing waves.
“Crouch! Crouch! Crouch!”
“Black! Black! Black!”
Aria cupped both hands around her mouth. “REGULUS!”
Her shout somehow rose above everyone else.
Regulus glanced at her.
She pointed at him with both hands, nearly dropping her sweets. “DESTROY HIM, BABY!”
Regulus’s smile sharpened.
Sirius went rigid.
“Baby?”
James immediately pressed one fist to his mouth.
Mary’s eyes widened with delight.
Marlene slowly turned towards Sirius. “Oh, this is about to become much more entertaining.”
“Why did she call him baby?”
“Context clues,” Lily said.
“No.”
Aria blew Regulus a kiss.
Regulus caught it neatly against his chest and tucked it into the pocket of his robes.
Aria screamed.
Evan laughed so hard he had to brace a hand against Pandora’s shoulder. Pandora merely gazed at Regulus with dreamy approval.
Sirius stared through the doorway.
“No.”
Remus rested his chin against Sirius’s shoulder to improve his view. “Compelling counterargument.”
“That is Parkinson.”
“We established that.”
“She once set my sleeve on fire.”
“You were fighting her.”
“She still set my sleeve on fire.”
“You called her hair mouldy.”
“It was green.”
“It was dyed green.”
“It looked mouldy.”
Mary pinched Sirius’s arm. “Be quiet. Something’s happening.”
Barty bounded to the centre of the cleared floor.
Regulus followed at a measured pace and stopped opposite him.
The contrast was immediate.
Barty could not remain still. His shoulders rolled. His fingers flexed. He rocked forward onto the balls of his feet, eyes fever-bright and grin manic, already performing for the room before he had spoken a word.
Regulus stood with his hands loosely clasped behind his back.
Calm.
Still.
Graceful.
His chin was raised by perhaps half an inch, his expression attentive in the way a cat might appear attentive while deciding which part of a bird to bite first.
James whispered, “What are they doing?”
As though answering him, Snape rose from his chair.
The entire room quietened.
Snape stepped into the space between Barty and Regulus, swept his dark gaze over the crowd, and raised one hand.
“EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
The room roared.
Mulciber shot to his feet and jabbed both hands towards Barty.
“JACK THE RIPPER!”
Avery vaulted onto his chair, pointed dramatically at Regulus and shouted, “VERSUS!”
Wilkes stood beside him and threw both arms into the air.
“HANNIBAL LECTER!”
Travers slammed both hands against the windowsill.
“BEGIN!”
The classroom exploded into cheers.
The Gryffindors remained frozen at the door.
Peter’s mouth had fallen open.
Frank blinked several times. “They’re doing what?”
“Rap battles,” Mary breathed.
“They have organized rap battles?” Lily asked.
Marlene looked deeply offended. “Without telling us?”
“This is what they do in empty classrooms?” James said. “We’ve been accusing them of dark rituals for years.”
Sirius’s face twisted. “This may be worse.”
Barty snapped into motion.
He threw one arm around an imaginary companion, swaggering across the floor with a lurching confidence that made several Slytherins start laughing before he had even delivered his first attack.
“Oi mate, pass the liquor, it’s Jack the Ripper.”
He snatched a goblet from the teacher’s desk, raised it in a mock toast, then tossed it over his shoulder. Evan caught it without looking.
“Jack the Rapper, following you way before the dawn of Twitter.”
Barty stalked around Regulus in a loose circle, pointing at him with every other word.
Regulus did not turn.
He simply followed Barty with his eyes.
James gave a startled laugh. “What the hell is Twitter?”
“Something Muggle,” Lily said.
Barty whirled towards the audience.
“I’m a human trigger warning, through the night until the morning.”
He dragged two fingers across his own throat, then flung his arms wide beneath the candlelight.
“When the light shines upon my crimes, you find it sick, appalling.”
Avery howled.
Mulciber beat both fists against the desk.
Briar—the unknown Hufflepuff girl—clapped with delighted restraint, smiling at Barty as he turned to make sure she had seen that particular flourish.
The moment his eyes found her, his expression softened absurdly.
Briar gave him an encouraging nod.
Barty nearly tripped over his own foot.
Marlene stared. “He really is whipped.”
“Utterly,” Alice said.
Barty recovered by throwing himself onto the edge of a desk.
“An infamous, notorious delinquent.”
“That part isn’t acting,” Dorcas called.
The room laughed.
Barty kicked his legs out, sprang upright again, and pointed towards the dark windows.
“There’s little more gory a thing than living in Victorian England.”
Snape gave a reluctant incline of his head, apparently judging the historical accuracy acceptable.
Remus folded his arms. “He’s surprisingly good.”
Sirius looked betrayed all over again. “Don’t encourage him.”
“He can’t hear me.”
Barty heard the whispering anyway.
His head snapped towards the doorway.
For one dangerous second, his eyes locked directly upon the cluster of Gryffindors.
Then his grin widened.
Sirius swore.
Barty did not expose them.
Instead, he winked and spun back towards Regulus.
“This is horrorcore, beware if you’re a common whore.”
Several students shouted in scandalised delight.
Lily’s eyebrows climbed.
Mary slapped both hands over her mouth, laughing.
Frank looked very carefully at the floor.
Alice patted his arm, though she was fighting a smile herself.
Barty prowled closer to Regulus.
“Or at late night you may find me knocking on your door.”
He knocked his knuckles against the air beside Regulus’s head.
Regulus remained motionless.
Not even a blink.
Barty leaned in, nearly nose to nose with him.
“Not keen to leave until I’m knee deep in blood and gore.”
He dropped suddenly into a crouch and dragged his fingers across the stone floor.
“Your grieving family on their knees, weeping, scrubbing floors.”
Pandora mimed wringing out a blood-soaked cloth with serene enthusiasm.
Evan glanced at her.
Pandora smiled.
Evan decided not to ask.
“The police need a lead, they dunno what they’re looking for,” Barty continued, circling Regulus again. “My raps are like the way I eat my meat, bloody raw.”
The room erupted.
Barty flung both arms out and bowed so low that his forehead nearly touched the floor.
Briar cheered louder than anyone except Aria.
Aria, however, was already leaning forward with both hands braced against her knees.
“Come on, Reg!”
Regulus looked at Barty.
Barty straightened, breathing hard with excitement, and extended one hand towards him as though graciously offering him a turn.
Regulus glanced at the hand.
Then at Barty’s face.
He smiled.
It was a small smile.
Sirius knew that smile.
“Oh, Crouch is dead,” he whispered.
James brightened. “You think?”
“That is the face Regulus used to make before telling Mother I’d broken something.”
“Had you?”
“That is not the point.”
Regulus stepped forward.
He did not raise his voice.
He did not need to.
“Jack, you’re a classic megalomaniac.”
A ripple of laughter travelled through the classroom.
Barty placed one hand dramatically against his chest.
Regulus tilted his head.
“You haven’t mentioned me once in your entire battle rap.”
Barty’s jaw dropped.
He looked towards Briar as though requesting an official ruling.
Briar covered a laugh with her hand and shook her head.
Barty staggered back, wounded.
Peter whispered, “That was immediate.”
“Straight for the throat,” Remus agreed.
“Pity your verse wasn’t worth a trip in the jacket,” Regulus continued.
He lifted one hand and delicately brushed imaginary lint from Barty’s shoulder.
“Quit jacking off on the track and put the lotion in the basket.”
The reaction was deafening.
Mulciber fell sideways out of his chair.
Avery screamed.
Wilkes slapped the desk hard enough to make the packet of sweets bounce from Travers’s lap. Snape’s mouth twitched, and he immediately turned it into a scowl when Evan noticed.
Mary buried her face in Marlene’s shoulder.
Marlene was shaking with laughter.
Lily pressed two fingers against the bridge of her nose, though the corners of her mouth betrayed her.
Sirius stared at his brother.
“Where did he learn to say that?”
James looked at him. “He’s sixteen, not six.”
“I know how old he is.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“When’s his birthday?”
Sirius went silent.
James’s grin became unbearable.
Sirius shoved his face away.
Regulus had barely moved.
He paced one slow step around Barty, every motion measured.
“And catch what the iller serial killer can deliver.”
He let his gaze travel over Barty as though assessing a disappointing cut of meat.
“Rhymes finer than the Chianti I would pair with your liver.”
Pandora sighed dreamily.
Dorcas gave a sharp whistle.
Aria punched both fists into the air. “YES!”
Barty clutched his stomach and stumbled towards Briar, mouthing that he had been stabbed.
Briar waved him back towards the battle.
Regulus’s eyes flicked towards Aria.
She grinned at him.
His expression warmed for an instant before he turned back to Barty.
“But the thought of your putrid flesh makes me want to shiver.”
Regulus gave a graceful little tremor of disgust, fingertips brushing his own sleeve.
“Cause your British body’s covered in more piss than kitty litter.”
The Slytherins erupted again.
Even Snape laughed at that—one short, surprised sound he immediately appeared to regret.
Barty froze.
His mouth fell open.
He pointed at Regulus. “That is slander.”
“You can complain after your verse,” Evan called.
“It’s not slander if it’s true,” Aria yelled.
Barty rounded on her. “You’re supposed to remain impartial!”
Aria pointed to the green ribbon tied around her wrist. “Does this look impartial?”
Sirius noticed the ribbon.
His eyes narrowed.
Then he noticed the matching green ribbon knotted around Regulus’s wrist.
His eyes narrowed further.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
Alice looked between the ribbons. “That’s rather sweet.”
“It’s sickening.”
“You’re smiling.”
“I am not.”
He was.
Barely.
Regulus resumed before Barty could recover.
“You stabbed women when they wouldn’t give you attention.”
His calm delivery sharpened.
“Like a Penny Dreadful version of OJ Simpson.”
Lily glanced at Mary. “Another muggle reference.”
Mary shrugged.
“They’ve clearly researched this,” Remus said.
“Of course Regulus researched it,” Sirius muttered. “He probably has notes.”
At the front, Evan lifted a folded sheet of parchment from the teacher’s desk.
It was covered in Regulus’s tiny handwriting.
Sirius pointed furiously. “There! Notes!”
“He’s meant to be making it up,” James whispered.
“They’re character notes,” Lily said. “That’s different.”
“You’ve chosen his side?”
“He’s winning.”
Sirius looked back at his brother.
Regulus’s gaze had gone cold and disdainful.
“But these days your nickname is all that’s even known.”
He took one final step towards Barty, leaving barely a foot between them.
“And you didn’t even come up with that shit on your own.”
Regulus turned his back.
The classroom detonated.
Aria leapt onto her desk.
“REGULUS!”
Pandora rang every bell in her hair at once.
Dorcas struck the desktop with both boots. Evan shouted Regulus’s name while pointing at Barty with open delight. Snape clapped three restrained times. Avery, Mulciber, Wilkes, Travers and Nott were all talking over one another, dissecting the attack between cheers.
Behind the door, Fabian grabbed Gideon by both shoulders.
“He’s good.”
“He’s terrifying.”
“He’s good because he’s terrifying.”
James looked at Sirius. “Your little brother just destroyed Crouch.”
“He hasn’t won yet.”
“You sound proud.”
“Shut up.”
“You do.”
“Potter.”
“Your face is doing the thing.”
“What thing?”
“The proud brother thing.”
“I have no proud brother thing.”
Regulus glanced towards the doorway.
His eyes found Sirius at once.
Sirius stopped talking.
Regulus raised one eyebrow.
Sirius mouthed, Not bad.
Regulus’s mouth curved.
Then he very deliberately looked away as though Sirius had offered no opinion worth considering.
Sirius scoffed. “Little shit.”
Remus smiled. “There’s the brotherly affection.”
Barty slapped both palms against his cheeks.
He inhaled.
His entire body seemed to reignite.
“I’m real!”
He stabbed a finger towards his own chest.
“You’ll find me making vacancies in brothels.”
Briar winced, though she was still smiling.
Barty swung his arm towards Regulus.
“While you only exist inside the pages of a novel.”
He snatched a thick book from Snape’s lap and waved it overhead.
Snape surged halfway to his feet. “Crouch.”
Barty tossed it back.
Snape caught it against his chest with a glare capable of souring milk.
“You were kept for ages in a hovel,” Barty went on, backing Regulus towards the teacher’s desk with quick, stalking steps.
Regulus allowed himself to be moved.
“Contained within a cage behind a locked door.”
Barty slammed both palms against the desk on either side of Regulus.
“While I never got caught.”
The room answered with a chorus of impressed shouts.
Marlene pointed through the doorway. “That was good.”
Sirius looked annoyed. “Why is everyone good at this?”
“Perhaps they practise,” Frank said.
“How often?”
Inside, Travers called, “Every Thursday!”
The Gryffindors froze.
Travers looked directly towards the doorway and grinned.
Barty spun around.
His eyes landed on the spying group again.
This time, he stopped.
Regulus followed his gaze.
Then Evan.
Then Dorcas.
Then Pandora.
One by one, every face in the room turned towards the door.
Silence fell.
James remained crouched with one hand against Sirius’s back.
Sirius was bent almost double beneath Remus’s weight. Mary had one hand tangled in Marlene’s sleeve. Peter was peering between Fabian and Gideon. Frank and Alice stood pressed shoulder to shoulder behind Lily.
No one moved.
Barty slowly smiled.
“Well,” he said.
Lily straightened and pushed the door fully open.
“We heard shouting.”
“That is usually considered rude,” Snape said.
“Your lot have been shouting for half an hour,” Marlene replied.
“Twenty-three minutes,” Regulus corrected.
Sirius stepped into the doorway. “What the hell is this?”
Regulus looked around the room.
“A classroom.”
“I can see that.”
“You asked.”
Remus made a soft sound suspiciously like a laugh.
Sirius pointed at him without turning. “Don’t.”
Barty bounced on his heels. “We’re in the middle of something.”
“We noticed,” James said.
Barty spread his arms. “Then come in.”
The Gryffindors exchanged glances.
“You’re inviting us?” Peter asked.
“No,” Snape said.
“Yes,” Barty said at exactly the same time.
Snape glared at him.
Barty ignored it.
“There are empty desks at the back. Sit down, shut up and witness art.”
“That last part may be overselling it,” Lily said.
Regulus stepped away from the desk. “He loses focus if interrupted.”
“I do not,” Barty protested.
Briar raised her hand.
Barty looked at her.
She pointed towards the centre of the floor.
Barty immediately returned to his position.
Mary stared. “Merlin.”
Briar smiled, a little embarrassed. “He listens eventually.”
“You’re his girlfriend?” Alice asked as the Gryffindors began filing into the room.
Briar nodded. “Briar Rosewood.”
“Briar,” Barty repeated adoringly, as though announcing the name of a goddess.
Briar patted the side of his face. “Finish the battle.”
“Yes, darling.”
Sirius looked faintly ill.
James leaned close. “You’re only upset because Crouch has a healthier relationship than you.”
Sirius elbowed him.
The Gryffindors crowded into the back of the room. Peter and Frank found chairs. Alice perched on the edge of Frank’s desk. Fabian and Gideon shared a table, immediately beginning a whispered argument over who was winning. Lily stood beside Mary and Marlene. James dropped into a chair and dragged Sirius into the one next to him. Remus remained leaning against the wall behind them.
Barty pointed at Regulus once more.
“So who’s the superior serial killer, Doctor Lecter?”
He stalked forward again, energy returning as if the interruption had never happened.
“I’m still wanted, you’re forgotten.”
He swept his arm towards the newly expanded audience.
“People these days are watching Dexter.”
“Who’s Dexter?” Peter whispered.
“No idea,” Frank whispered back.
“Another killer, presumably,” Alice said.
Barty’s eyes widened theatrically as he closed in on Regulus.
“So God protect ya from the hell I’ve spread upon us.”
The room began stomping again.
Barty jumped onto the low platform at the front of the classroom and thrust one fist towards the ceiling.
“I’m terrorizing London, fuck the 7/7 bombers!”
The cheers faltered.
Not entirely.
But enough.
Avery’s whistle died halfway out of his mouth.
Snape’s eyebrows drew together.
Dorcas tilted her head.
Evan’s expression tightened into an immediate grimace.
Briar closed her eyes.
“Oh, no,” Mary whispered.
Remus winced. “That was not good.”
Sirius rubbed both hands down his face. “And there he is.”
Barty stood on the platform, arm still raised.
His grin slowly faded.
Regulus stared at him.
The stillness was worse than laughter.
Barty lowered his fist.
“Too far?” he asked.
Every person in the room answered at once.
“Yes.”
“Definitely.”
“Awful.”
“Painful.”
“Shite,” Dorcas said.
Pandora rang one tiny bell mournfully.
Barty looked at Briar.
Briar pressed her lips together and gave him a sympathetic nod.
“Yes,” she said. “Too far.”
Barty’s shoulders drooped.
Regulus stepped forward.
“No, no, Jack you were doing fine.”
His voice was almost kind.
That somehow made it crueler.
“Before your ham-fisted attempt at a terrorist line.”
The room erupted in relieved laughter.
Barty pressed both hands to his heart.
Regulus began to circle him now, moving with slow, smooth precision.
“How typical of Jack the Ripper to chase a headline.”
He stopped directly in front of Barty.
“Pick Ray Liotta’s brain and ask him how I get mine.”
Evan shot upright.
Dorcas slapped the desk.
Aria threw her paper bag of sweets into the air, sending brightly coloured pieces raining over Mulciber and Avery.
“That’s my fucking boyfriend!” she screamed.
The entire room turned.
Aria froze.
Regulus’s brows rose.
Sirius slowly looked from Aria to his brother.
James clapped one hand over his mouth again.
Mary whispered, “Oh, brilliant.”
Aria raised her chin. “What?”
Barty pointed accusingly. “You revealed it during the battle.”
“It was obvious!”
“Not to everyone!”
Sirius stood. “You’re dating my brother?”
Regulus looked at him. “You heard her.”
“How long?”
“Months.”
“Months?”
“You have seen us together.”
“I thought she was following you around!”
“She was.”
Aria nodded. “Still do.”
“And you just—accepted that?”
Regulus considered the question. “Eventually.”
Aria blew him another kiss.
Regulus caught this one between two fingers and pressed it to his lips.
Aria made a strangled noise and dropped back into her seat.
Sirius stared at him.
Regulus stared back.
“What?” Regulus asked.
“You’re being disgusting.”
“You interrupted my verse.”
“That is not an answer.”
“It wasn’t a question.”
James tugged Sirius back into his chair. “Let him cook.”
Sirius twisted towards him. “Never say that about my brother again.”
Regulus continued as though the interruption had been scheduled.
“I’m the bon vivant of violence, a licensed psychiatrist.”
He glided past Barty, taking the goblet from Evan as he went.
“Who dines on highest society to the sound of violins.”
Pandora mimed playing one beneath her chin.
Snape, caught by the rhythm despite himself, tapped two fingers against his sleeve.
Regulus raised the goblet in Barty’s direction.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’d roast both your balls on my hibachi.”
Frank choked.
Alice patted his back.
Lily covered her mouth.
Mary and Marlene grabbed one another and folded over laughing.
Fabian whispered, “I am never insulting him.”
Gideon nodded. “Not while owning body parts.”
Sirius stared straight ahead with the hollow expression of an older brother being forced to hear far too much.
Regulus’s voice remained elegantly detached.
“But for a serial killer, you’re as tasteless as a bowl of Kashi.”
Barty looked offended.
“Oi.”
“You prey on a prostitute and play with her body.”
Regulus set the goblet back on the desk with a delicate click.
“I don’t mind that you’re naughty Jack, I hate that you’re sloppy.”
The reaction struck like thunder.
Briar shouted with laughter, ducking her face behind both hands.
Barty spun towards her.
“Briar!”
“I’m sorry!”
“You laughed!”
“It was good!”
“You’re meant to support me!”
“I do support you.”
“Support me harder!”
Briar held her arms out.
Barty immediately took one step towards her.
Regulus caught him by the back of his collar.
Barty made a betrayed noise.
Regulus pulled him into position again.
“Finish dying properly.”
The Gryffindors laughed with the Slytherins now.
Even Sirius had given up pretending he was not enjoying himself.
Regulus released Barty and turned towards the audience.
“Barney, take me back to solitary confinement.”
Barty’s face transformed.
He looked over his shoulder as though expecting an enormous orderly to appear and drag Regulus away.
Regulus lowered his voice.
“Cause this dirty little lamb has just been silenced.”
He placed one finger against Barty’s lips.
Silence lasted for precisely one second.
Then the classroom erupted.
Every desk shook beneath pounding hands.
Students shot to their feet. Avery and Wilkes screamed Regulus’s name. Travers threw sweets at the ceiling. Nott nearly fell from the windowsill. Mulciber grabbed Snape by the shoulders and shook him until Snape shoved him away.
Pandora climbed onto her desk, bells ringing wildly.
Dorcas whistled so sharply that Peter covered both ears.
Evan raised Regulus’s wrist overhead as though he had already been declared champion.
The Gryffindors joined in despite themselves.
Marlene was yelling.
Mary had both arms above her head.
Alice cheered beside Frank, who was laughing too hard to make much noise. Fabian and Gideon pounded a complicated rhythm against their shared desk. Peter whistled through his fingers. Lily clapped, shaking her head in disbelief. Remus gave Regulus an impressed nod.
James stood on his chair.
“BLACK!”
Sirius caught the back of his robes. “Get down.”
“Your brother’s winning!”
“I know!”
“Cheer, then!”
Sirius cupped both hands around his mouth.
“REGULUS!”
Regulus’s head turned.
For a brief second, surprise broke through his composure.
Then his grin flashed—quick, fierce and unmistakably pleased.
Aria screamed louder than anyone.
“REGULUS! REGULUS! REGULUS!”
Barty staggered backwards beneath the force of the cheering.
He looked around the room.
Almost every hand was raised for Regulus.
Briar had one hand raised too.
Barty stared at her.
She lowered it halfway.
Then, apologetically, raised it again.
“It was really good,” she said.
Barty’s mouth opened.
No sound came out.
He dropped dramatically to his knees.
“No!”
He tipped forward and crawled towards Briar as the laughter swelled around him.
“Briar.”
She was already smiling.
“Briar, they’ve betrayed me.”
“You did very well.”
“I’ve been humiliated.”
“You made the terrorist line.”
“I was in character.”
“You made the terrorist line,” she repeated.
Barty reached her and wrapped both arms around her waist, burying his face against her stomach with a prolonged, muffled whine.
Briar threaded her fingers through his hair.
“There, there.”
“I was Jack the Ripper.”
“Yes.”
“I was terrifying.”
“Very.”
“I was robbed.”
“No.”
Barty lifted his head to stare at her.
Briar leaned down and kissed his forehead.
His entire expression softened at once.
“Fine,” he muttered, immediately clinging tighter.
Mary watched with wide eyes. “He really is pathetic for her.”
Briar heard.
She glanced over.
“He is.”
“I am,” Barty agreed proudly.
At the front, Evan was still holding Regulus’s arm above his head while Dorcas declared him the winner to anyone who might somehow have missed it.
Regulus accepted the attention with a composed little bow.
Then Aria launched herself across the classroom.
Avery barely managed to duck out of her way.
She hit Regulus at full speed, arms wrapping around his shoulders as she nearly knocked him into Evan.
“YOU WON!”
“I noticed,” Regulus said.
“You destroyed him!”
“Also noticed.”
“You were so fucking hot.”
Sirius made a pained sound from the back of the room.
Regulus glanced towards him over Aria’s shoulder.
Sirius pointed two fingers at his own eyes and then at Regulus in the universal gesture for I am watching you.
Regulus smirked.
Without looking away from his brother, he slid one arm around Aria’s waist and pulled her more securely against his side.
Sirius’s expression flattened.
Regulus’s smirk deepened.
Aria, unaware of the silent fraternal war occurring above her head, hooked both arms around Regulus’s neck and kissed his cheek repeatedly.
“My terrifying little cannibal.”
“I’m not little.”
“You’re little.”
“I am taller than you.”
“Barely.”
“Enough.”
Aria turned towards the room while remaining tucked beneath his arm.
“My boyfriend just murdered Jack the Ripper!”
Barty lifted his face from Briar’s robes. “I’m not actually Jack the Ripper!”
“No one said you were,” Lily replied.
Barty pointed at Regulus. “And he’s not actually Hannibal Lecter!”
Regulus looked down at Aria. “He’s becoming emotional.”
“He lost,” Aria said sympathetically.
Barty collapsed against Briar again.
Briar rubbed his back.
Snape moved towards the centre of the room, raising both hands for silence.
It did not work.
Mulciber and Avery were still arguing over which of Regulus’s lines had been the strongest. Wilkes insisted the lotion line had decided the battle. Travers argued for the Chianti line. Nott kept repeating the attack on Barty’s terrorist reference and laughing anew each time.
James leaned across Sirius.
“He was brilliant.”
Sirius folded his arms. “He was adequate.”
“He was brilliant.”
“Adequate.”
Regulus called from the front, “I heard you cheering.”
Sirius’s head snapped towards him. “You imagined it.”
“You shouted my name.”
“Common surname.”
“We have the same surname.”
“Exactly. I was cheering for myself.”
Regulus gave him the slow, disbelieving look only a younger sibling could perfect.
James beamed. “That was almost supportive, Sirius.”
“Stop helping.”
Remus leaned between them. “He’s proud of you, Regulus.”
“I’ll hex you, Moony.”
Regulus’s expression became smug.
“I know.”
Sirius pointed at him. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Do that face.”
“It’s my face.”
“You know the one.”
“The face he was born with?” Lily asked.
“No, the smug one.”
Regulus’s smile became unbearably smug.
Sirius reached for the nearest sweet and threw it at him.
Regulus caught it.
He unwrapped it, put it into his mouth and leaned down to offer Aria the other half.
Aria bit it directly from between his fingers.
Sirius turned away.
“I hate this room.”
“You’re still smiling,” Alice said.
“I hate that too.”
At last, Snape climbed onto the low platform and drew his wand.
A sharp crack rang through the classroom.
The noise subsided.
Snape lowered his wand.
“Thank you.”
Barty remained attached to Briar.
Aria remained attached to Regulus.
No one appeared inclined to alter either arrangement.
Snape looked around the crowded room with an air of immense suffering.
“WHO WON?”
Every voice answered at once.
“REGULUS!”
“BLACK!”
“HANNIBAL!”
“MY BOYFRIEND!” Aria screamed.
Regulus bowed again.
Barty groaned into Briar’s robes.
Mulciber leapt onto a chair and shouted, “WHO’S NEXT?”
Avery pointed dramatically towards the assembled crowd.
“YOU DECIDE!”
Every Slytherin rose.
The two Hufflepuffs rose with them.
After a startled pause, the Gryffindors rose too.
Pandora’s bells chimed.
Desks rattled beneath stamping feet.
Hands struck tables, chairs and stone walls as the entire classroom drew breath together.
“EEEEEEEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
The last word crashed against the ceiling.
Regulus stood at the centre of it all with Aria beneath his arm, calm and victorious.
Barty clung miserably to Briar while she kissed his hair.
Sirius pointed at his younger brother across the room.
“Next time, I’m judging.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. “You weren’t invited this time.”
“I found you.”
“You were spying through a door.”
“Sibling privilege.”
“That isn’t a privilege.”
“It is now.”
James slung an arm around Sirius’s shoulders. “I’ll judge with him.”
“No,” Regulus and Sirius said together.
They looked at one another.
The entire classroom dissolved into laughter again.
The noise from the first round had barely settled before Mulciber began hammering both palms against the nearest desk again.
“Another one!”
Avery immediately joined him, stamping one foot against the stone floor. “Another one!”
“Give Crouch time to recover,” Dorcas said, looking towards where Barty was still wrapped around Briar’s waist in theatrical despair.
“I’ll never recover,” Barty announced into the folds of her robes.
Briar ran her fingers through his hair. “You’ve been defeated for less than five minutes.”
“It has been the longest five minutes of my life.”
“You say that every time you lose anything.”
“I rarely lose.”
“You lost three games of chess to me yesterday.”
“That was courtship.”
Briar looked down at him over the rims of her glasses. “We’ve been dating for months.”
“Continued courtship.”
Peter leaned towards Alice. “Does he always do this?”
“I think Briar’s accepted that he does,” Alice whispered back.
Barty tightened his arms around his girlfriend as though proving her point.
At the centre of the classroom, Regulus remained tucked against Aria’s side, one arm resting loosely around her waist. Aria was still glowing from his victory, bouncing slightly on her toes while she described several of his own lines back to him as if he had not been standing there when he delivered them.
“The kitty-litter one,” she said, grabbing the front of his jumper. “That was fucking vicious.”
“I’m aware.”
“And then the sloppy line.”
“Yes.”
“You should have seen his face.”
“I was looking directly at it.”
Aria grinned. “You’re hot when you’re smug.”
Regulus’s mouth curved. “I’m always smug.”
“Yes. Convenient, really.”
Sirius made a loud gagging sound from the back of the room.
Regulus glanced over Aria’s head. “Are you unwell?”
“I’m being subjected to things no brother should ever witness.”
“You were spying on us.”
“I was investigating.”
“You were peering through a gap in the door with ten people stacked behind you.”
“A strategic formation.”
“It looked like a collapsing staircase,” Dorcas said.
Fabian pointed towards her. “That was Gideon’s fault.”
Gideon looked offended. “You were leaning on me.”
“You have broader shoulders.”
“You have no balance.”
“Neither of you were supporting us,” Frank said.
“We were supporting the investigation,” Fabian replied.
Before Gideon could answer, Evan stepped into the cleared space and rolled his sleeves farther up his forearms.
The argument stopped.
Barty lifted his head from Briar’s stomach.
Pandora’s eyes brightened.
Dorcas sat straighter on her desk.
Regulus released Aria and gave Evan a slow, considering look. “You’re going next?”
Evan adjusted one cuff, every movement composed and deliberate. “Apparently.”
“You’ve chosen?”
Evan’s smile flashed. “Alexander the Great. Me. Versus Ivan the Terrible.”
James leaned forward in his chair. “That fits.”
Sirius looked at him. “Why?”
“He has the hair for it.”
“That is not historical analysis.”
“It’s more analysis than you’ve provided.”
Remus, who had been studying the scattered parchment containing the character names, glanced towards the opposite side of the room. “Who’s Ivan?”
Every Slytherin looked towards Snape.
Snape looked back at them.
“No.”
“Yes,” Evan said.
“No.”
Mulciber rose and reached for Snape’s arm.
Snape drew his wand.
Mulciber sat down again.
Avery pointed at Snape from a safer distance. “You drew it.”
“I did not draw it. Crouch assigned it.”
Barty detached one hand from Briar long enough to wave cheerfully. “You’re welcome.”
“I am going to poison you.”
“You’d have to get past Briar.”
Briar looked between them. “Please don’t involve me in threats of murder.”
Barty immediately settled again. “Of course, darling.”
Lily, who had been trying unsuccessfully to hide her amusement at Severus’s expression, stepped closer to him. “Go on.”
Snape’s eyes narrowed. “You too?”
“I want to see it.”
“You want to see me humiliate myself.”
“I think you’ll be good.”
That stopped him.
Snape glanced at Lily, suspicious but visibly less resistant.
Lily smiled. “You know enough Russian history to do it properly.”
Remus nodded from beside her. “And Ivan is an excellent opponent for Alexander.”
Snape looked between the two of them.
Then he sighed through his nose and stepped into the open space opposite Evan.
Lily immediately began clapping.
Snape turned his head. “It has not begun.”
“I’m encouraging you.”
“It’s distracting.”
“You’ll survive.”
Sirius watched the exchange with his arms folded. “Evans is cheering for Snivellus.”
“Severus is her friend,” Mary reminded him.
“I know that.”
“You say it like you’ve discovered treason.”
“It feels like treason.”
Lily looked over. “I can hear you.”
“Good.”
“Be quiet.”
Sirius opened his mouth.
James put a hand over it.
“Let the historians fight,” James said.
Sirius bit his palm.
James yelped and snatched it back.
At the front, Snape swept his robes behind himself and lifted his chin, his usual sour expression slipping seamlessly into something colder and more imperial.
Evan saw the transformation and grinned.
He straightened, shoulders squared, suddenly carrying himself with the easy arrogance of someone who considered the known world merely unfinished property.
Remus’s eyebrows rose. “They’re both alarmingly suited to this.”
“Evan always thinks he owns the room,” Dorcas said.
Evan glanced at her. “I usually do.”
“See?”
Pandora drifted into the centre between them. She raised both arms, the bells in her hair ringing delicately.
At once, the other Slytherins struck the desks and shouted, “EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
Travers pointed dramatically at Evan.
“ALEXANDER THE GREAT!”
Nott swung towards Snape.
“VERSUS!”
Wilkes leapt onto his chair. “IVAN THE TERRIBLE!”
Avery brought both hands down against the desk.
“BEGIN!”
Snape moved first.
He took one slow step towards Evan, his dark robes whispering across the stone.
“Look alive, crème de la Kremlin’s arriving.”
His voice came out low and contemptuous, each word clipped as sharply as if he were preparing potion ingredients.
“Try to serve Ivan? No surviving.”
Lily cheered.
Sirius groaned.
Snape ignored him, sweeping one pale hand towards Evan.
“You’re a land rover, I’m a land expander.”
He closed the remaining distance, looking Evan up and down with open disdain.
“Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander.”
Mulciber and Avery roared.
Pandora clapped, bells chiming around her face.
Dorcas gave a low whistle.
Evan merely tipped his head, appearing entertained rather than threatened.
Snape’s lip curled.
“I’ll school you like Aristotle.”
He flicked two fingers against Evan’s forehead.
Evan’s eyebrows rose.
“Smack you harder than you hit that bottle.”
A collective noise of appreciation rolled through the classroom.
Remus gave a delighted laugh. “Good reference.”
Lily pointed at Snape. “That was clever!”
Snape’s eyes flicked towards her, satisfaction flashing through the character for half a second before he turned back to Evan.
“You’re nothing but an overrated lush, I’ll crush ya.”
He spread his arms, robes flaring behind him.
“I’m the first Tsar of all of Russia.”
Frank nodded slowly. “He’s very convincing.”
“Too convincing,” Peter said.
“He already stands like that during Potions,” Mary replied.
“Like the Tsar of Russia?”
“Like he’ll execute anyone who ruins his afternoon.”
Snape advanced another step.
“You’re an asshole with an anastole.”
Evan touched his swept-back hair with a brief, offended glance.
James squinted. “What’s an anastole?”
“The way Alexander’s hair was depicted,” Remus said immediately.
Lily nodded. “Swept back from the forehead.”
James glanced at Evan’s hair. “I was right.”
Sirius frowned. “About what?”
“The hair.”
“That still wasn’t historical analysis.”
“It has become historical analysis.”
Snape pressed one hand to his chest.
“I’m heaven sent, divine and holy.”
His gaze sharpened.
“So don’t even try to approach the God.”
Then he mimed dropping something enormous directly onto Evan.
“Or you’ll get a huge sack like Novgorod.”
Lily’s cheer joined Remus’s laughter.
“That one was horrible,” Lily said, visibly delighted. “But historically accurate.”
Remus was grinning. “Ivan’s massacre of Novgorod.”
Peter looked between them. “Do you two just know all of this?”
“Yes,” Lily and Remus said together.
Peter sat back. “Right.”
Evan waited until the cheering lowered.
Then he looked Snape over and smiled with unbearable condescension.
“Hey fella, swell diss.”
Snape’s expression darkened.
“But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed.”
Regulus barked a laugh.
Dorcas slapped her knee.
Pandora swayed in place, delighted by the rhythm.
Evan began pacing around Snape, graceful and relaxed.
“Stepping up’s foolish as well as useless.”
He stopped just behind Snape’s shoulder.
“Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list.”
Snape turned sharply to follow him, but Evan was already moving.
“I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia.”
He counted the conquest on one finger.
“Breezed through Gaza to Giza.”
A second.
“Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq and Pakistan.”
Evan swept both arms wide.
“In my expansion pack.”
The students erupted.
James looked towards Remus. “Is all that true?”
“Broadly,” Remus said.
Lily was nodding enthusiastically. “His empire stretched from Greece into Egypt and as far as northwestern India.”
Sirius stared at her. “You’re enjoying this too much.”
“It’s educational.”
“A man was just threatened with a sack.”
“A historically significant sack.”
At the front, Evan circled Snape again.
“While you died in the middle of a game of chess.”
Snape’s eyes narrowed.
“You got vodka bars, flavourless.”
Evan took the abandoned goblet from the desk and peered into it with visible disappointment.
“And what I’m ’bout to spit will be the craziest.”
He offered the goblet to Snape.
“So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed.”
Snape took it.
For one second, everyone assumed he was playing along.
Then he tipped it upside down over Evan’s shoes.
The empty goblet produced nothing.
Evan looked at him.
Snape’s expression remained perfectly blank.
Regulus laughed into his hand.
Evan pointed at him. “You’re supposed to support me.”
“I support accuracy.”
“You cheered for Barty.”
“No, I defeated Barty.”
Barty raised his head again. “Stop reminding people.”
Briar stroked his hair. “You’ll live.”
“That remains uncertain.”
Evan turned back to Snape with renewed determination.
“Kudos! Greek for the glory I got.”
He tossed the goblet aside, and Pandora caught it neatly.
“From winning every single war that I fought.”
Remus gave an approving nod.
Lily began clapping in rhythm.
Evan reached towards the desk and swept up a wooden pointer as though drawing a sword.
“So this’ll be straightforward, I’ll take up this sword that I brought.”
He flourished it with surprising skill.
“And slice you in half like the Gordian knot.”
Avery shouted.
Fabian and Gideon both sprang halfway out of their seats.
“That was brilliant,” Fabian said.
“The knot reference?” Gideon asked.
“The sword movement.”
“Of course.”
Evan raised the makeshift blade overhead.
“And I’ll soar to the top.”
He angled it towards the ceiling.
“Like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore.”
He turned sharply, bringing the pointer down beside Snape without touching him.
“As I swatted my many enemies, shattered ’em like a porcelain pot.”
Snape did not flinch.
Evan’s grin became more animated.
“And they’d be praying for the torture to stop.”
He shifted behind Snape.
“But I would leave ’em contorted, and they’d be screaming and roaring.”
Snape slowly looked over one shoulder, unimpressed.
“Until their vocal chords were torn up and shot.”
Evan threw his head back and bellowed, “And I would holler ‘Bucephalus!’”
He slapped the wooden pointer against his own thigh as though summoning a horse.
“Hop on my horsey and trot.”
Marlene nearly fell against Mary.
Mary clutched her stomach.
“Horsey,” Marlene repeated breathlessly.
“He committed to it,” Mary said.
Evan took an exaggerated riding stance and finished, “I win Ivan, I vanquish.”
He levelled the pointer beneath Snape’s chin.
“I’m an immortal, you’re not!”
The room thundered with applause.
Regulus whistled sharply through his fingers.
Pandora threw both hands into the air.
Dorcas shouted Evan’s name, while Mulciber and Travers began pounding the desks.
Even Snape gave the smallest acknowledging tilt of his head.
Then his shoulders dropped.
“Enough! I don’t stand a chance against your skills.”
He held both hands up in surrender.
Evan lowered the wooden pointer, triumphant.
Snape retrieved the goblet and presented it to him with a deep, courtly bow.
“На здоровье—a drink to your victory!”
Remus immediately leaned forward.
Lily grinned, recognising the trap at exactly the same moment.
Evan, still fully in character, accepted the goblet.
“Yes, I will!”
He raised the empty cup and pretended to drink deeply.
Snape watched him over the curtain of his hair.
Evan lowered the goblet and turned towards the audience.
“It seems no one can defeat me.”
He spread his arms.
“I weep, it’s all so easy… ooh.”
His confidence faltered.
Evan pressed one hand to his stomach.
Snape’s face became an image of concern. “What’s wrong?”
Evan swayed.
“I feel a bit… queasy.”
Snape’s worry vanished.
“Ha! You’ve been poisoned!”
The room erupted.
Regulus pointed at Evan and laughed openly.
Pandora gasped, then clapped in delighted horror.
Dorcas yelled, “Should’ve known better!”
Evan staggered backwards.
“Oh, the pain is unbearable!”
He doubled over.
“My stomach’s riddled with holes!”
Then he collapsed dramatically onto the classroom floor.
Alice jumped despite knowing it was false.
Frank caught her hand automatically.
Peter leaned around James to see whether Evan was breathing.
Evan cracked one eye open.
Peter immediately sat back. “He’s fine.”
Regulus clapped slowly above his fallen friend.
“Excellent death.”
Evan closed his eye again and stuck one finger up at him.
Snape looked down at the body with distaste.
“Ugh, I’m terrible.”
He nudged Evan’s shoe with one foot.
“There’s no great who could defeat this Russian.”
“Psst.”
Every head turned.
Wilkes had slipped behind the teacher’s desk and acquired a long silver instrument from somewhere among the abandoned classroom props.
He raised it to his lips like a flute.
“What about a flute busting Prussian?”
Snape turned.
His expression of genuine annoyance blended so perfectly with Ivan’s outrage that Lily laughed.
Wilkes stepped onto the platform.
The Slytherins immediately began pounding out a new rhythm.
“Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!”
The Gryffindors joined them.
“Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!”
Wilkes marched forward, chin high and his imaginary flute tucked beneath one arm.
“I’m Frederick the Great, out the gate first servant of state.”
He gestured towards himself with a flourish.
“Oblique attack tactics ain’t exactly straight.”
Remus nodded eagerly. “That’s excellent.”
Lily was still clapping. “Frederick’s military manoeuvres.”
Sirius looked between them. “You’re both terrifying.”
“Quiet,” Lily said. “I’m learning.”
Wilkes spun the flute between his fingers.
“I’ve got creative talents and battle malice.”
He pantomimed playing a graceful melody.
“Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace.”
He bowed towards Pandora.
Pandora curtsied from atop her desk.
Then Wilkes rounded on Snape.
“Russia’s fucked up, but no wonder why.”
He counted across his fingers.
“With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my!”
Pandora nodded thoughtfully. “I like bears.”
“No one asked,” Dorcas said.
“They should have.”
Wilkes continued, pointing at Snape’s face.
“I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes.”
Snape’s glare sharpened.
“If I had to look at your troll face every night.”
The classroom exploded.
Avery fell against Travers.
Mulciber slapped the wall.
James laughed so hard his chair scraped backwards.
Lily tried not to react, failed, and covered her smile with one hand.
Snape looked directly at her.
“You encouraged me to participate.”
“I did.”
“And now you’re laughing.”
“It was a good line.”
“Disloyal.”
Sirius sat up. “Finally, something we agree on.”
“Don’t involve yourself,” Lily and Snape said together.
Wilkes planted the end of the flute against the stone floor.
“Now bring me my chair.”
Nott shoved one towards him.
Wilkes sat with an exhausted sigh.
“I’m weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square.”
Frank’s eyebrows rose.
Alice laughed softly beside him.
Wilkes crossed one leg over the other.
“Fought a Seven Years’ War, I ain’t scared of a Tsar.”
He leaned forward, smiling at Snape.
“’Cause beating you only took me twelve bars.”
The room cheered again.
Wilkes sat back with smug satisfaction.
Snape stared at him for a long moment.
Then his expression collapsed into exaggerated misery.
“Ohhh, what a humiliating defeat!”
He pressed one hand to his chest.
“I know when I am beat, so of course, take a seat.”
Wilkes settled deeper into the chair, still grinning.
“I’d keep ripping you to shreds, but I’ll take a break instead.”
He clasped his hands over his stomach.
“And just rest my little head.”
His eyes closed.
Snape stepped behind the chair.
His hands settled slowly on either side of Wilkes’s skull.
“Why don’t you drop dead, Fred?”
Wilkes went limp.
His head lolled sideways.
One arm dropped dramatically towards the floor.
The flute rolled from his fingers.
Marlene pointed. “Another one.”
“Snape’s winning by murder,” Mary said.
“That seems historically appropriate,” Remus replied.
Snape inspected Wilkes’s fake corpse.
“Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher.”
He stepped over the outstretched arm.
“But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire.”
Lily made a noise somewhere between a cheer and a groan.
“That was awful.”
“You enjoyed it,” Remus said.
“I did.”
Snape turned towards the room, his confidence completely restored.
“It’s another great day and another great victory.”
He lifted his chin.
“’Cause no great can beat me.”
“What about me?”
Barty shot upright so quickly that Briar’s hands slipped from his hair.
He vaulted over the nearest chair.
“Pompey! Yeah!”
Briar blinked at the suddenly empty space in front of her.
Barty charged towards the centre.
He made it three steps.
Aria swung one arm out and shoved him cleanly aside.
Barty stumbled into Avery, who caught him with an offended grunt.
“Oi!”
Aria strode past without looking at him.
“My turn.”
Barty tried to recover. “I’m Pompey!”
“You’ve already lost once.”
“That has no bearing on Pompey!”
“It has bearing on my patience.”
She flicked her dyed hair over one shoulder and stepped opposite Snape.
Barty stared at her.
Then he looked towards Briar.
Briar patted the space beside her.
Barty abandoned Pompey instantly and hurried back, dropping against her side.
“She pushed me.”
“I saw.”
“Violently.”
“You’re fine.”
“She stole my entrance.”
Briar kissed his temple. “You can be Pompey another time.”
Barty folded his arms but leaned into her. “Only because you said so.”
Across the room, Regulus had gone completely still.
Aria turned towards him.
She smirked.
Regulus’s expression lit at once.
He brought two fingers to his mouth and whistled so loudly that Sirius flinched beside him.
“Merlin, Regulus!”
Regulus ignored him and started clapping.
“Come on, Aria!”
Aria rolled one shoulder and swept her hair back again, eyes locked on her boyfriend.
Regulus grinned.
Sirius looked between them with the weary resignation of a man witnessing a recurring illness.
“You didn’t cheer that loudly for Rosier.”
“Aria’s my girlfriend.”
“I noticed.”
“Then why are you confused?”
“I’m not confused. I’m irritated.”
“You’re always irritated.”
“Because you exist deliberately.”
Regulus’s grin only widened.
Briar was on her feet now too, cheering beside Barty.
“That’s my girl!”
Aria pointed towards her best friend, then towards Regulus.
The two of them shouted even louder.
At the centre, Snape looked Aria up and down.
She answered with an elegant little spin, the hem of her robes flaring around her legs before she settled with one hip cocked.
“Macedonians, Prussians and Romans.”
She flicked one hand dismissively towards Evan’s and Wilkes’s bodies.
“Those aren’t worthy opponents.”
Evan opened one eye from the floor, looking offended.
Wilkes remained committed to death.
Aria circled Snape.
“It takes a Russian to take down a Russian.”
She dragged one finger beneath his chin without touching.
“I’m Cath, I’m a cat, you’re a rodent.”
Regulus let out another sharp whistle.
Aria’s eyes slid towards him.
She smirked and swayed her hips once before turning back to Snape.
Regulus clapped harder.
Sirius stared at him. “Control yourself.”
“No.”
“You’re embarrassing our family.”
“Your hair embarrasses our family.”
James immediately leaned away from Sirius’s hair as though it might explode.
Sirius pointed at Regulus. “Take that back.”
Regulus did not even look at him.
Aria stepped close to Snape.
“How are you the head of our state.”
She tapped one finger against his temple.
“When the state of your head was such a crazy one?”
Lily made an appreciative sound.
Remus nodded. “Good setup.”
Aria’s expression sharpened.
“Such sick shit going through your brain.”
She mimed gripping a spike.
“That you stuck a spike through your own son—oooh.”
She drove her hand forward and spun away.
The whole classroom shouted.
Snape clutched his chest as though personally wounded by the historical accusation.
Lily was cheering despite herself.
“That reference was brutal.”
“And specific,” Remus said, visibly delighted.
Aria danced backwards, shoulders rolling with the rhythm.
“You’re unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged.”
She turned neatly on one heel.
Her hair swept around her face, dyed streaks flashing beneath the candlelight.
“I brought the Russian empire straight out of the olden days and right into the golden age.”
Briar screamed her name.
Regulus rose from his chair.
“ARIA!”
She looked straight at him while she swayed her hips, laughing through her next words.
“I’m the boss bitch that you just can’t meddle with.”
She pointed at Snape, then swept the same hand across the entire classroom.
“This whole battle’s like Alaska cause I settled it.”
The response shook the walls.
Pandora stood on her desk again, ringing the bells in her hair.
Dorcas shouted, “She’s got him!”
Evan sat up from the dead, applauding.
Wilkes raised one limp hand from beside the chair and gave a weak thumbs-up before allowing it to fall.
Mulciber, Avery, Travers and Nott were all yelling over one another. Peter and Frank clapped, Alice cheering between them. Fabian and Gideon began chanting Aria’s name. Marlene and Mary whistled. James stamped both feet against the floor.
Lily laughed and clapped, though she called towards Snape, “You can still recover!”
Snape turned to her with an expression of wounded disbelief.
“You’re supposed to be cheering for me.”
“I am!”
“She just called herself the boss bitch.”
“It was a strong verse!”
Snape looked as though this defence did not satisfy him.
He turned back to Aria and immediately slipped into character again.
“Hmmm, what a beautiful Queen to beat me in a battle.”
He offered her a deep bow.
Aria placed one hand beneath her chin, accepting the admiration as her due.
Snape lifted a small wrapped box from the teacher’s desk.
“Accept this gift, Your Highness.”
Aria reached for it.
Snape’s mouth curved maliciously.
“I hear you enjoy the saddle.”
A chorus of scandalised noises rolled across the classroom.
Regulus’s clapping stopped.
Sirius looked at him.
Regulus’s eyes narrowed at Snape.
Sirius leaned closer. “It’s part of the battle.”
“I know.”
“You look like you’re considering murder.”
“I’m considering historical correction.”
Aria held up one hand before either Black brother could interfere.
“That horse story is a pile of shit.”
Lily immediately pointed towards her. “Correct!”
Remus clapped once, sharply. “Excellent.”
Aria tossed the box over her shoulder. Barty caught it and handed it straight to Briar.
“Though I do keep ’em chomping at the bit.”
She flashed a wicked smile towards Regulus.
Regulus’s eyebrows rose.
Aria spun again, dancing lightly across the floor while her hips moved with the rhythm.
“But you’re never gonna get it, nyet.”
She wagged one finger at Snape.
“Couldn’t spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette.”
She completed another tight turn and landed facing Regulus rather than Snape.
Her smirk was pure challenge.
Regulus whistled again.
Aria backed towards Snape without breaking eye contact with her boyfriend.
“I’m picking up where Peter the Great left off.”
She flipped her hair over one shoulder.
“Bringing sexy back to House Romanov.”
Regulus laughed aloud.
Briar grabbed both sides of her own face and screamed.
Barty, still tucked against her, looked from Aria to Regulus.
“I think we’ve become irrelevant.”
Briar continued cheering. “She’s incredible!”
“Yes, darling.”
Aria finally turned back towards Snape.
“So don’t call me Queen, I’m far more great.”
She stepped into his space.
“Empress to Tsar 8, bitch.”
Then she lifted two fingers, moved an imaginary chess piece between them and placed it neatly against Snape’s chest.
“Checkmate.”
Snape froze.
Aria held the pose for one long second.
Then she turned her back on him, flicked her hair and walked straight towards Regulus.
The classroom erupted.
Regulus was already on his feet.
He clapped above his head, laughing and whistling as Aria crossed the room. Briar was cheering just as loudly, one arm lifted while the other remained wrapped around Barty.
“ARIA!”
“That’s my best friend!”
Aria reached Regulus and spun once more before him.
He caught her around the waist at the end of the turn.
She smirked up at him. “Enjoy that?”
Regulus pulled her closer. “A little.”
“Liar.”
“A great deal.”
Aria preened.
Regulus kissed her temple, then looked over her shoulder towards Snape with the victorious satisfaction of someone who had personally won the round.
Sirius made another long-suffering noise.
Regulus looked at him.
“What now?”
“You’re doing the face again.”
“What face?”
“The revoltingly pleased one.”
“My girlfriend won.”
“Your girlfriend spent half the battle dancing at you.”
“Yes.”
“You’re proving my point.”
“I’m not sure you have one.”
James leaned across Sirius. “I think it’s nice.”
“No one asked you.”
“I’m still saying it.”
Briar fought her way through the cheering and threw her arms around Aria from the other side.
“You were brilliant!”
Aria laughed, squeezed between her best friend and Regulus. “Did you see his face?”
“I saw everything.”
Barty followed close behind Briar and pointed at Aria.
“You stole Pompey from me.”
“You would’ve lost.”
“I might not have.”
Snape stepped away from the centre, abandoning Ivan’s posture at last. “You would have.”
Barty stared at him. “I was going to destroy you.”
“You shouted two words.”
“They were powerful words.”
“Pompey, yeah,” Dorcas repeated flatly.
Pandora considered it. “It possessed enthusiasm.”
“That’s not the same as quality,” Evan said from the floor.
Barty rounded on him. “You’re dead.”
Evan looked down at himself. “Right.”
He collapsed again.
Wilkes finally sat up beside the chair and rubbed the back of his neck.
“I think I died harder.”
“You died sitting down,” Marlene said.
“Gracefully.”
“You looked asleep.”
“It was a royal death.”
At the front, Lily approached Snape, still smiling.
“You were excellent.”
“I lost.”
“You killed two opponents.”
“Not the last one.”
Remus joined them. “Catherine historically outlasting Ivan is satisfying.”
Lily nodded enthusiastically. “And the Alaska line was good.”
“Alaska was sold under Alexander II,” Snape said.
“It was still the Russian Empire.”
“Imprecise.”
“You’re sulking.”
“I am analysing.”
“You’re sulking historically,” Remus said.
Snape glared at him.
Remus smiled.
Aria remained curled beneath Regulus’s arm while Briar held her hand. The three of them were surrounded by the loudest part of the room, Barty hovering beside Briar and continuing to insist that Pompey had been robbed of his opportunity.
Pandora raised her hands.
The bells in her hair rang, drawing everyone’s attention.
“WHO WON?”
“ARIA!” Briar screamed immediately.
“ARIA!” Regulus shouted over her.
The rest of the classroom joined them.
“CATHERINE!”
“ARIA!”
“THE EMPRESS!”
Aria bowed deeply, one hand pressed to her chest.
Regulus applauded with exaggerated dignity.
Sirius watched him for a moment before reluctantly clapping too.
Regulus noticed at once.
Sirius pointed at Aria. “I’m cheering for the history.”
“Of course.”
“And because she beat Snape.”
Snape looked over.
Sirius smiled pleasantly.
Pandora lifted her arms again.
“WHO’S NEXT?”
The room answered with a chaotic mixture of names.
Avery shouted over all of them, “YOU DECIDE!”
Every student rose or straightened where they stood.
Mulciber struck the first beat against the desk. Travers and Nott joined him. Fabian and Gideon added their own rhythm. Peter slapped both palms against his knees while Frank and Alice clapped beside him. Marlene and Mary stamped their feet. James shouted directly into Sirius’s ear and received an elbow in the ribs for it.
Lily stood beside Snape, still cheering despite his expression.
Remus grinned at both of them.
Briar squeezed Aria’s hand.
Regulus kept one arm locked around his girlfriend’s waist.
Together, the packed classroom roared, “EPIC!”
Aria threw one fist into the air.
“RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
The classroom had barely recovered from Aria’s victory as Catherine the Great before Mulciber began beating a new rhythm against the side of his desk.
Wilkes joined him immediately, striking the heels of both hands against the wood. Avery followed with a faster beat, and soon Travers and Nott were stamping their feet while Pandora shook her head from side to side so the little bells woven through her hair chimed in time.
Barty, still half draped across Briar, lifted his head.
“Another round?”
“You’ve been asking for another round since Parkinson shoved you out of the last one,” Snape said.
“I was robbed of Pompey.”
“You said two words.”
“They were excellent words.”
“You said your own character’s name.”
“With conviction.”
Briar laughed and pushed one of Barty’s curls back from his forehead. “You were very convincing.”
Barty softened instantly. “Thank you, darling.”
“You were still pushed aside.”
His face fell again.
At the other side of the classroom, Aria was leaning against Regulus with his arm around her waist, still wearing the smug, pleased expression of someone who had won a battle and intended to enjoy every second of it.
Regulus looked equally pleased.
Sirius had been watching the pair with the particular exhaustion of an older brother who had realised the public affection was not going to stop merely because he disapproved of it.
Aria glanced towards the pieces of parchment scattered across the teacher’s desk.
Her eyes landed on one.
Then she looked up at Regulus.
“Can I take your role?”
Regulus’s eyebrows rose. “You want Bond?”
“No.” Aria picked up the parchment and turned it around. “Austin Powers.”
Regulus looked down at the name she had pointed to.
Then back at her.
A slow smile appeared.
“You’re going to be insufferable.”
“That isn’t a no.”
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
Aria beamed.
Regulus took the parchment from her, glanced over the notes and placed it back into her hands. “It’s yours.”
She rose onto her toes and kissed his cheek.
“You’re the best.”
“I know.”
Sirius made an aggravated noise.
Regulus looked past Aria towards him. “Problem?”
“You could attempt humility once in your life.”
“I could.”
Sirius waited.
Regulus smiled. “I won’t.”
“That,” Sirius said to James, pointing at his brother, “is what I had to grow up with.”
James looked at Regulus, then at Sirius. “You’re exactly the same.”
“We are nothing alike.”
“You both say that with the same expression.”
“We do not,” Sirius and Regulus said together.
The classroom dissolved into laughter.
Regulus’s eyes narrowed.
Sirius pointed across the room. “Don’t copy me.”
“You spoke second.”
“I’m older.”
“That isn’t how conversations work.”
Aria caught Regulus by the front of his jumper and turned him back towards her.
“Forget him. Watch me.”
Regulus immediately abandoned the argument. “Gladly.”
Sirius stared.
Remus patted his shoulder. “You lost.”
“He’s easily distracted.”
“By his girlfriend.”
“Exactly. Disgraceful.”
Dorcas stepped into the cleared space at the front of the classroom, already looking like she regretted agreeing to participate.
Her shoulders were squared. Her chin was slightly lowered. Her expression had settled into a dark, brooding stare that made Peter instinctively sit a little straighter.
Mary glanced at Marlene. “She looks like she’s about to arrest someone.”
“She usually looks like that.”
Dorcas adjusted the cuffs of her robes.
“I’m Bond.”
“Which one?” Frank asked.
Dorcas gave him a flat look.
Frank drew back. “Right. Sorry.”
“The miserable one,” Evan said.
Dorcas looked towards him.
“The modern, brooding, emotionally repressed one,” Evan clarified.
“That describes half the people in this room,” Lily said.
Snape folded his arms.
Sirius pointed at him. “There’s one.”
Snape’s glare moved to him.
“And there’s the proof,” James added.
Aria bounded into the space opposite Dorcas, already moving to a rhythm only she seemed able to hear. She rolled her shoulders, flicked her dyed hair back from her face and shifted her hips from side to side.
Dorcas watched her.
Her expression became even more severe.
“You’re enjoying this already.”
Aria smirked. “Groovy, baby.”
Dorcas closed her eyes briefly.
Regulus whistled.
Aria immediately spun towards him, walking backwards for two steps while pointing at him.
Regulus grinned and clapped.
Sirius dragged both hands down his face. “It hasn’t even started.”
“She’s getting into character,” Regulus said.
“She’s wiggling at you.”
“Also in character.”
“I don’t think that is how historical accuracy works.”
“This isn’t history,” Lily said. “They’re fictional spies.”
Remus looked almost disappointed. “A shame. The last round had excellent references.”
“Severus killed two monarchs,” Lily said.
“And lost to an empress.”
Snape’s mouth tightened. “I remember.”
Pandora drifted between Aria and Dorcas.
She raised both hands.
Every Slytherin struck the desks together.
“EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY…”
The chant rolled through the room, quieter and more dramatic than before.
Avery pointed both hands towards Dorcas.
“JAMES BOND!”
Wilkes spun dramatically towards Aria.
“VERSUS!”
Mulciber climbed onto his chair and threw one fist into the air.
“AUSTIN POWERS!”
Travers brought both hands down against the windowsill.
“BEGIN!”
Dorcas moved first.
She straightened the front of her robes as though adjusting a perfectly fitted suit, then fixed Aria with a cold, assessing stare.
“I’ve beefed with Le Chiffre and No and Blofeld with the cheek scar.”
Her voice was low, clipped and stern.
“But they were not as crooked and rotten as your teeth are.”
Aria’s mouth dropped open in exaggerated outrage.
Regulus laughed immediately.
Briar slapped both hands over her mouth, eyes wide with delight.
Barty pointed at Dorcas. “Straight for the teeth!”
Aria bared them deliberately in a ridiculous grin.
Dorcas remained utterly unmoved.
“I’ll go balls to the Walther on this whack twat in an ascot.”
She mimed drawing a pistol from inside her robes.
“Blast shots atcha like gas from the back slot of a fat Scot.”
James barked out a laugh.
Peter made a startled choking sound.
Frank’s eyebrows rose while Alice hid a laugh against his shoulder.
Mary grabbed Marlene’s arm. “That was foul.”
“It was brilliant,” Marlene said.
Lily shook her head, smiling despite herself.
Remus looked impressed. “The internal rhymes are good.”
Sirius glanced at him. “You’re analysing rhyme now there’s no history?”
“I can appreciate more than one thing.”
Dorcas stalked slowly around Aria.
“Permission from the Crown to put a scoundrel down? I’ve earned it.”
She raised her imaginary weapon.
“I’m licenced to kill, you couldn’t get a learner’s permit.”
Snape gave a quiet, approving hum.
Evan clapped twice.
Pandora whispered, “She does look licensed.”
“Licensed for what?” Avery asked.
Pandora considered him. “Something unpleasant.”
Dorcas continued pacing, her face set in a permanently displeased scowl.
“After twenty-four films, I’m still reaching new heights.”
She looked Aria over dismissively.
“Your third movie died, guess You Only Live Twice.”
The classroom erupted.
Briar winced sympathetically towards her best friend but clapped anyway.
Barty shouted, “That was vicious!”
Aria merely rolled her neck and bounced lightly on her toes, grin widening.
Dorcas stepped closer.
“Spell my name, the ladies wanna B-on-D.”
Several people groaned.
Mary threw her head back laughing.
Marlene slapped the desk.
Alice’s cheeks coloured as she smiled, while Frank suddenly found the far wall fascinating.
Dorcas gestured at Aria’s entire body.
“Any sex appeal you might have is beyond me.”
Regulus stopped clapping.
His eyebrows rose.
Aria looked towards him with a scandalised expression.
Regulus pointed at Dorcas. “Factually incorrect.”
Sirius looked at him. “You did not need to announce that.”
“I was correcting her.”
“It’s a battle.”
“Still incorrect.”
Aria blew him a kiss.
He caught it.
Sirius groaned.
Dorcas’s expression did not shift.
“I’m bespoke from my head to my toe and after this flow I’m done.”
She raised her imaginary pistol and aimed it directly at Aria.
“I only need one round—”
Dorcas jerked her hand in recoil.
“Golden Gun.”
She made the gunshot with a sharp crack of her tongue.
Aria clutched her chest and spun dramatically before stopping upright rather than falling.
The room burst into applause.
Regulus whistled for Dorcas despite himself.
Dorcas gave him a solemn nod.
Then Aria’s hips began swaying.
She rolled one shoulder, smoothed both hands down the front of her robes and looked Dorcas over with a bright, delighted grin.
“You look a lot more blonde in your movie, baby.”
Dorcas’s face darkened.
Aria waved one hand.
“That’s alright, let’s just keep it groovy, baby! Yeah!”
She spun on one heel, dyed streaks flashing beneath the candlelight.
Regulus clapped in rhythm.
Briar was bouncing beside Barty, already cheering.
“Go, Aria!”
Aria pointed to her best friend, then snapped both fingers towards Regulus.
“Basil Exposition told me this would be boring.”
She turned back to Dorcas and yawned theatrically.
“But Jesus, man, even my mojo’s snoring!”
She leaned sideways as though falling asleep on her own hand.
Dorcas stared at her with such perfect misery that even Snape laughed.
Marlene gestured between them. “They’re both too good at this.”
“The contrast helps,” Lily said.
Remus nodded. “Dorcas looks as though happiness personally offended her.”
“It has,” Dorcas said without breaking character.
Aria danced closer.
“I’ve never seen such a miserable spy.”
She circled Dorcas, examining her from every angle.
“I’ve also never seen a man with glistening thighs.”
Dorcas glanced down at her own robes.
The room roared.
Evan nearly slid from the desk.
Pandora looked thoughtfully at Dorcas’s legs.
Dorcas pointed at her. “Don’t.”
Pandora looked back up.
Aria grinned and shook her hips towards Regulus again.
“I mean you can’t shag properly with that waxed tush.”
Regulus covered his mouth, shoulders shaking.
Sirius stared rigidly ahead.
Aria dragged both hands dramatically through the front of her own hair.
“Birds flock to the musk of my chest bush, yeah!”
Briar doubled over laughing.
Barty looked at Regulus. “Does she have a chest bush?”
“No.”
Sirius stood up halfway. “Why would you ask him that?”
Regulus looked horrified. “Why would you ask me that?”
Barty shrugged. “You’re dating her.”
“Not every thought has to become a sentence,” Lily said.
Briar took Barty’s face between both hands and gently turned him back towards the performance.
“Watch quietly.”
“Yes, darling.”
Aria stepped into the centre and began an exaggerated striptease without actually removing anything, tugging playfully at her tie before letting it snap back against her shirt.
“I’ll hypnotize you with a little strip tease.”
She spun behind Dorcas.
“And then judo chop, I’m swinging on you like the sixties, yeah!”
She brought one hand down near Dorcas’s shoulder.
Dorcas blocked it with one forearm, never losing the grim expression.
Regulus shouted his approval.
Fabian and Gideon both mimed the movement from their desk.
“That was a terrible chop,” Fabian said.
“It was meant to be terrible.”
“Then it was technically excellent.”
Aria danced backwards.
“You’re defenseless; my rhymes can’t be deflected.”
She pointed both hands at Dorcas like pistols.
“You’re like all the sex I’ve ever had, unprotected, yeah!”
The room broke.
James dropped his face into his hands.
Peter went bright red.
Frank choked again, Alice rubbing his back while laughing herself.
Mary and Marlene were practically hanging off each other. Lily’s eyes widened before she pressed her lips together, visibly trying not to encourage it.
Remus looked towards the ceiling.
Sirius glanced at Regulus and immediately regretted it.
Regulus was grinning so widely it looked painful.
“Don’t,” Sirius warned.
“I haven’t said anything.”
“Your face has.”
Aria winked at her boyfriend.
Regulus’s grin deepened.
Sirius pointed between them. “Both of you are unbearable.”
Aria continued, dancing around Dorcas in a loose circle.
“People want a hero with a little personality.”
She tapped Dorcas on the shoulder.
Dorcas looked at the hand as if considering arresting it.
“No one wants to sit through your gritty reality.”
Evan clapped. “Fair.”
Dorcas’s glare moved towards him.
Evan stopped clapping.
Aria flicked her hair back.
“Maybe Q can craft some new plot lines.”
She counted on two fingers.
“You made Thunderball two bloody times!”
Remus laughed in surprise.
Lily nodded. “That’s actually a fair criticism.”
Sirius stared at her. “You know Bond films?”
“I know things.”
“That sounded threatening.”
“It was.”
Aria spun again, robes flaring around her knees.
“I’m one of a kind, you’re always getting remade.”
She landed directly in front of Dorcas, one finger raised beneath her chin.
“You can’t touch me, double-oh behave!”
Regulus shot to his feet and whistled.
Briar screamed.
“That’s my best friend!”
The Slytherins pounded the desks. Peter and James joined in, while Alice clapped brightly beside Frank. Fabian and Gideon shouted the last line back at Aria. Mary and Marlene stamped their feet.
Dorcas waited until the room quietened.
Then she exhaled heavily and rubbed one hand over her face.
“Ugh! Can’t believe I’m wasting my time with this clown.”
Aria looked delighted.
Dorcas turned away as though already bored.
“I should be on an island with a fucking model by now.”
She mimed holding a martini.
“Sipping dry martinis and peeling off bikinis.”
Her gaze slid towards Aria.
“Not rapping against Swedish penis pumping weenies.”
Aria held up both hands. “Yeah, that’s not mine—”
“I didn’t say I was finished,” Dorcas cut in sharply.
The room erupted at the interruption.
Aria blinked.
Then she smirked and stepped back, giving Dorcas the floor with a flamboyant bow.
Dorcas stalked after her.
“I’m sick of your silly gimmicks.”
She jabbed one finger against Aria’s shoulder.
“I’m the best spy in the business; just ask all the critics.”
Her expression became darker.
“I’ve been through hell, so yeah, I’m a bit of a cynic.”
Remus nodded. “That does explain the brooding.”
“Nothing explains this much brooding,” James said.
Dorcas spread her arms, staring Aria down.
“But I’m the original model that your frilly ass mimics!”
Aria looked down at herself.
Then she shook her hips deliberately.
Regulus applauded.
Dorcas looked ready to continue.
A new voice interrupted her.
“I wouldn’t exactly call you original…”
Mulciber rose from his desk.
Snape’s head turned slowly.
Avery began grinning before Mulciber had even reached the open floor.
Dorcas looked at him with immediate distrust.
Aria planted both hands on her hips. “Excuse you?”
Mulciber ignored her and strode between them, shoulders back and chin high.
“It’s the most prominent dominant bomb spy, so pay homage.”
He pointed first at Dorcas, then towards himself.
“Handing out ass-whippings, I’m on some real James Bondage.”
Wilkes groaned.
Travers buried his face in Nott’s shoulder.
Nott was laughing too hard to support him.
Barty sat upright. “Bondage!”
Briar immediately put her hand over his mouth.
Mulciber continued, revelling in the reaction.
“Your performance doesn’t stir me and I’m certainly not shaken.”
He examined Dorcas dismissively.
“If I wanted shitty acting in my action film, I’d go and watch Taken.”
James laughed loudly.
Marlene slapped her desk.
Mary pointed at Mulciber. “That was good.”
“I hate that it was good,” Lily said.
Remus nodded in reluctant agreement.
Dorcas folded her arms and glared.
Aria bounced impatiently beside them.
Mulciber swept one hand towards Dorcas.
“I see your modern gadgets and I piss on them all.”
Dorcas’s nose wrinkled.
“I don’t need a Q to break your balls.”
Frank winced.
Alice gave Mulciber a disapproving look despite laughing at the performance.
Mulciber spread his arms to address the whole classroom.
“I’m the granddad of the brand millions of fans have been sold on.”
He turned back to Dorcas and leaned in close.
“You’re so far up on my nuts I should call you Bond… Gold Bond.”
Avery screamed.
Wilkes fell against Snape’s shoulder.
Snape shoved him away without taking his eyes from the battle.
Fabian thumped Gideon’s back.
Gideon nearly fell off the desk.
Even Dorcas’s mouth twitched.
Aria pushed herself between the two Bonds.
“Yeah, um, could I get back in my rap, please?”
Mulciber swung towards her.
“Rap these, you velvety hack!”
He raised one hand, clearly intending to stop beside her cheek.
But Aria moved at the wrong moment.
The slap landed.
The crack cut through the room.
Everything stopped.
Mulciber’s face emptied of colour.
Aria’s head had turned slightly with the impact.
Regulus was out of his chair instantly.
“Aria.”
Sirius rose at the same time, catching Regulus by the arm before he could cross the room.
“It was an accident.”
“I know.”
“You’re moving like it wasn’t.”
Mulciber had already dropped character completely.
“Fuck—Parkinson, I’m sorry. I wasn’t meant to touch you. I thought you were staying still. Are you all right? I swear I was stopping before—”
Aria touched her cheek.
Then she looked at Mulciber’s horrified face.
She started laughing.
Mulciber stared at her.
Aria waved him off. “It’s fine.”
“I hit you.”
“By accident.”
“I actually hit you.”
“Yes, Mulciber. I was there.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve apologised four times.”
“I can make it five.”
Aria patted his shoulder. “Calm down. It barely hurt.”
Regulus remained standing.
Aria looked towards him and gave him a bright smile.
“I’m fine, baby.”
Regulus studied her face for another moment.
Then he sat down slowly.
Sirius released his arm.
Regulus glanced at him.
Sirius lifted an eyebrow. “You were about to commit murder in a rap-battle classroom.”
“I was going to check her face.”
“You crossed half the room with your fist clenched.”
“I check aggressively.”
“That’s not a thing.”
Aria turned back to Mulciber, still laughing.
“Jeez!”
The classroom’s tension broke.
Mulciber exhaled hard and put both hands over his face.
Briar pointed at him. “You’re buying her sweets.”
“Yes.”
“And apologising again later.”
“Yes.”
“And you don’t get to hide behind character.”
“Yes.”
Barty looked adoringly at his girlfriend. “You’re terrifying.”
“Thank you.”
Dorcas stepped forward again, returning instantly to her brooding Bond expression.
“It’s the movie business and you’ve had your six.”
Mulciber lowered his hands.
Dorcas stared him down.
“The world has had quite enough rug-wearing misogynists.”
The room roared.
Mulciber touched his hair.
Avery leaned over. “She got you.”
“Shut up.”
Aria nodded thoughtfully.
“Yeah, to be honest, you are a bit rapey.”
Mulciber’s eyes narrowed.
Aria lifted one finger and swayed it in time.
“I mean, I like to swing but Dr. No means no, baby.”
Lily clapped hard at that.
“So does that one,” she said.
Remus nodded. “Clear thematic argument.”
Sirius stared. “You’re grading them now?”
“Someone should.”
Mulciber straightened his robes and resumed his superior stance.
“Oh please, I’m an extraordinary gentlemen, I’m distinguished.”
He turned one shoulder towards them and lifted his chin.
“If they made a Mini-Me, they’d have to cast Peter Dinklage.”
Peter Pettigrew looked around. “Why did that make me feel like someone said my name?”
James patted his shoulder. “Instinct.”
Dorcas stepped closer to Mulciber.
“Well maybe they should cast a Bond who’s actually English.”
Mulciber’s expression hardened.
He raised one hand again.
This time, every person in the room tensed.
Mulciber stopped his palm a safe distance from Dorcas’s cheek.
“Why, pussy, aren’t you the cunning linguist.”
Dorcas threw her head sideways as though she had been hit by a giant.
Her entire body spun.
She staggered across the floor, collided with the teacher’s desk, rebounded from it and collapsed across two chairs with one arm hanging limply over the edge.
There was a beat of silence.
Then the room exploded.
Aria dropped into a crouch, laughing.
Regulus whistled.
Briar clapped both hands over her mouth.
Barty shot to his feet. “She’s dead!”
Dorcas lifted one hand weakly. “Avenge me.”
Evan was laughing so hard he could barely breathe.
Pandora leaned over Dorcas’s body and whispered, “You died beautifully.”
Dorcas opened one eye. “Thank you.”
Mulciber stared down at his hand.
“That one did not touch her.”
Everyone laughed harder.
Dorcas rose slowly, rubbing her jaw with absurd solemnity before stepping back into the centre.
“As a matter of fact, I’ve got a knack for licking old cunts.”
The laughter became deafening.
Lily’s mouth fell open.
Remus coughed into his fist.
Sirius choked.
James slapped him between the shoulder blades while losing control of himself.
Peter turned scarlet. Frank looked ready to crawl beneath the desk. Alice had both hands over her face, though her shoulders were shaking. Mary made a sound so high-pitched that Marlene grabbed her arm to remain upright.
Dorcas pointed at Mulciber.
“After I beat you, I’ll kick the shit out of the man who does your stunts.”
Mulciber stepped forward until they were nearly chest to chest.
“Now you listen here, you little duck-faced runt.”
Dorcas’s brooding stare deepened.
Mulciber lifted both fists beside his face.
“I’m all in, I’m ready to die any day that you want!”
He and Dorcas glared at one another.
Aria stood between them, looking delighted to be included in the confrontation.
For one long second, the three spies remained frozen in a ridiculous triangle of hostility.
Then Pandora raised her hands.
“WHO WON?”
The classroom erupted into competing shouts.
“DORCAS!”
“ARIA!”
“MULCIBER!”
“AUSTIN!”
“BOND!”
“THE OTHER BOND!”
Briar screamed Aria’s name above everyone else.
Regulus cupped his hands around his mouth. “ARIA!”
Aria spun towards him, flipped her hair and blew him a kiss.
He caught it against his heart.
Sirius looked away in disgust.
Dorcas’s supporters included Evan, Pandora and Snape, all three of them applauding her death scene as much as her verses. Lily and Remus were laughing and debating the better film references while still clapping for all three.
James was cheering for whichever performer had spoken most recently. Peter appeared unable to decide. Frank clapped for everyone while Alice called Aria’s name. Mary and Marlene shouted over one another, each insisting a different verse had won. Fabian and Gideon had started arguing about whether the accidental slap should count as audience participation.
Mulciber’s supporters consisted mostly of Avery, Wilkes, Travers and Nott, who were pounding the desks and shouting “GOLD BOND!” until Snape told them it was becoming embarrassing.
Barty tried to shout for all three at once.
Briar placed a hand on his shoulder. “Pick one.”
“You.”
“I wasn't in the battle.”
“I still pick you.”
Briar smiled and kissed his cheek.
Barty forgot the question entirely.
Pandora’s bells rang as she lifted her arms higher.
“WHO’S NEXT?”
The answers became even more chaotic.
Avery climbed back onto his chair.
“YOU…”
Wilkes pointed towards the entire room.
“YOU DECIDE!”
Everyone rose together.
Mulciber struck the first beat against his desk, visibly careful to keep both hands far away from Aria this time. Dorcas resumed her stern posture beside him. Aria danced between them, shoulders rolling and hips swaying as she grinned towards Regulus.
The whole classroom roared, “EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
Barty did not wait for the noise from the last round to fade.
He peeled himself away from Briar, marched into the centre of the classroom and pointed one accusing finger directly at Aria.
“You.”
Aria, still tucked beneath Regulus’s arm, looked over one shoulder as though Barty might be addressing someone behind her.
“Me?”
“You stole Pompey.”
“You said two words.”
“They were the opening words of what would have been a legendary performance.”
“You shouted your name and got shoved into Avery.”
Avery raised a hand. “Can confirm.”
Barty ignored him. “Then you won another round.”
“I tend to do that.”
“And now I demand revenge.”
Aria’s eyes brightened instantly.
Regulus looked between the two of them. “You’re challenging her?”
“Yes.”
“You lost to me five minutes ago.”
“That was Jack the Ripper. This is personal.”
“Everything is personal to you,” Evan said.
Barty jabbed a finger at him. “You’re only alive because Snape’s poison was imaginary.”
Evan leaned back against the desk, unbothered. “And you’re only brave because Briar’s watching.”
Barty immediately glanced towards his girlfriend.
Briar smiled encouragingly.
His shoulders squared.
“Exactly.”
Wilkes let out a long groan from beside Snape. “Why does Parkinson get so many turns?”
Aria raised both hands. “Because I volunteer.”
“And none of you want to do it,” Dorcas added, arms folded.
Wilkes glanced around the classroom.
Mulciber looked away.
Avery became extremely interested in the ceiling.
Travers suddenly began rearranging the sweets on his lap.
Nott shook his head before anyone could ask.
Snape folded his arms more tightly.
Wilkes sighed. “Fair.”
Aria slipped out from beneath Regulus’s arm and strode towards Barty.
“What are we doing?”
Barty snatched up two character slips and held them behind his back.
“Choose.”
“You’re definitely cheating.”
“I would never.”
“You once hid my shoes in a tree and told me a kneazle had developed a leather addiction.”
“We were seven.”
“You maintained the lie for three months.”
“You believed it.”
“I was seven.”
Barty grinned broadly. “Good times.”
Aria tried to reach behind his back.
Barty twisted away.
She lunged after him.
He dodged around the teacher’s desk, laughing as she chased him. Aria vaulted over the corner rather than running around it and caught the back of his robes.
Barty yelped.
They went down in a tangle of limbs.
Briar covered her mouth, laughing.
Regulus leaned forward with open amusement.
Sirius stared at the pair wrestling on the floor. “Do they always behave like this?”
“They’ve known each other since they were children,” Regulus said.
“That doesn’t answer the question.”
“Yes, it does.”
Aria managed to pin Barty’s wrist against the floor.
He twisted, hooked one leg around hers and rolled them over.
She shoved his face away with her palm.
Barty bit at her fingers without actually catching them.
“Feral,” Lily said.
“Both of them,” Remus agreed.
James was cheering as though watching a professional match. “Get him, Parkinson!”
“Traitor!” Barty shouted.
“I’m supporting whoever’s winning!”
“That changes every three seconds,” Peter pointed out.
“Exactly.”
Marlene stood on the lower rung of her chair for a better view. Mary was laughing beside her, while Alice kept grabbing Frank’s sleeve every time one of the pair nearly struck a desk. Fabian and Gideon had started taking bets on who would secure the character slips first.
Dorcas watched with a resigned expression.
Pandora clapped softly whenever Aria or Barty completed a successful roll.
Evan looked at Briar. “Are you going to stop them?”
Briar shook her head. “They’re having fun.”
Barty finally escaped and sprang to his feet.
Aria caught his ankle.
He hit the floor again.
The room erupted.
Aria snatched one of the slips from his hand and scrambled backwards, hair falling across her face.
She unfolded it.
“Eve.”
Barty pushed himself upright, robes crooked and grin manic.
“Then I’m Adam.”
Aria looked him up and down. “Unfortunate.”
“You’re going to regret that.”
“You’ve been saying that since we were six.”
“And one day I’ll be right.”
Regulus whistled sharply.
Aria turned towards him at once, holding up the slip.
“Eve!”
Regulus grinned. “Perfect.”
Sirius glanced at him. “Why?”
“She’s going to destroy him.”
“You sound far too pleased about that.”
“I like being right.”
Barty dusted himself off and returned to Briar for precisely long enough to let her straighten his collar.
“Win,” she told him.
He softened. “For you, anything.”
Aria made a loud retching noise.
Barty spun around. “You’re dating Regulus.”
“Yes, and?”
“You’re worse.”
Regulus raised one eyebrow. “Careful.”
Barty immediately pointed at Aria instead. “She started it.”
Aria blew Regulus a kiss.
He caught it against his chest.
Sirius slumped lower in his chair. “I hate every round now.”
James patted his shoulder. “You’re having a lovely time.”
“I’m suffering.”
“You smiled when Regulus won.”
“That was gas.”
Pandora drifted between Barty and Aria, raising both hands.
The desks began to thunder beneath palms and fists.
Snape joined the chant with visible reluctance, while Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, Travers and Nott gave it enough volume to shake dust from the ceiling.
“Epic Rap Battles of History!”
Evan pointed towards Barty.
“Adam versus—”
Dorcas swung one arm towards Aria.
“Eve!”
Briar brought her hands together sharply.
“Begin!”
Aria moved first.
She walked towards Barty with an exaggerated sway in her hips, expression bright with wicked amusement.
“This battle’s gonna end like every argument does.”
Barty folded his arms and gave her a deeply sceptical look.
“With you kissing my ass and begging me for a rub.”
The room burst into laughter.
Barty stared at her.
Briar’s eyebrows rose.
Aria grinned wider.
Regulus clapped, completely unapologetic.
Sirius turned towards him. “You enjoy hearing people talk to your girlfriend like that?”
“It’s Aria talking to Barty.”
“That did not answer my question.”
“It did.”
Aria shoved one hand against Barty’s shoulder and paced around him.
“I made a map, motherfucker, and I’m reading it too.”
She unrolled an imaginary parchment in front of his face.
“Gives me specific directions how to fuck with you.”
Barty tried to snatch the invisible map.
Aria twisted away.
He grabbed her around the waist from behind.
She stamped on his foot lightly and slipped free, laughing.
Remus smiled despite himself. “They’ve clearly done this before.”
“Fought?” Lily asked.
“Constantly, by the look of it.”
Dorcas nodded. “Since childhood.”
Aria turned and prodded Barty in the chest.
“I know that you like to think you’re so macho.”
She leaned closer and sniffed theatrically.
“But you smell like ballsacks and nachos.”
Briar laughed so suddenly that she snorted.
Barty looked at her in horror.
“Briar!”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re meant to deny it.”
Briar pressed her lips together. “You smell lovely.”
“Thank you.”
“Usually.”
Barty’s face fell.
Aria danced backwards, snapping her fingers.
“I work while you and your boyfriend Steve.”
She pointed vaguely towards Evan.
Evan immediately shook his head.
“Absolutely not.”
Barty slung one arm around Evan’s shoulders anyway.
“Drink and play sports in a Fantasy League.”
Evan removed the arm one finger at a time.
Pandora giggled, bells chiming in her hair.
Aria grabbed a wooden pointer from the desk and held it up.
“You’re as sharp as a stick that I rub on my lips.”
She tossed it towards Barty.
“So go ahead, take a shot, I’m sure that you’ll miss.”
Barty caught it and threw it back.
Aria ducked.
The pointer sailed over her head and landed harmlessly beside Mulciber.
The room exploded.
Aria straightened, spreading both hands.
“Like the laundry, the toilet, the grocery list.”
She began counting each failure on her fingers.
“If you’d stop fucking up I wouldn’t have to get pissed.”
Regulus gave another piercing whistle.
Briar cheered almost as loudly.
Barty lunged at Aria.
She laughed and caught both his wrists.
They struggled in the centre of the room, each trying to shove the other backwards.
“Your turn,” Aria said.
“I know.”
“You look confused.”
“I’m deciding how badly to destroy you.”
“You’ve been deciding since we were children.”
“And I’m thorough.”
Barty managed to spin her and shove her lightly away.
He straightened his robes and assumed an expression of exaggerated exhaustion.
“My life was fine ’til you had to come along and wreck it.”
Aria clasped both hands over her heart.
Barty held up one palm directly in front of her face.
“Could you please just shut your face for ten seconds?”
Aria opened her mouth.
Barty pressed one finger against her lips.
She bit it.
Barty yanked his hand back. “Ow!”
“You knew better.”
“I thought you’d matured.”
“You’ve known me nearly my entire life.”
“Exactly. I live in hope.”
He began stalking around her.
“You cry about everything, but can’t decide what you want.”
Barty threw his voice higher, mimicking her.
“‘I’m hungry’, ‘I’m fat’, ‘I’m cold’, ‘I’m hot’.”
Aria stared at him.
“You’re dead.”
Barty grinned.
“You call it complex, but, yo, I’d call you a mess.”
He ducked just before she swatted at him.
“You take two hours to cum, three more to get dressed.”
Regulus’s applause stopped.
Sirius looked at him immediately.
Regulus’s expression had gone perfectly blank.
Sirius leaned closer. “Don’t.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“You’re considering it.”
“Considering what?”
“I don’t know, but stop.”
Aria, utterly unbothered, grabbed Barty by the front of his robes and dragged him close.
Barty kept rapping directly into her face.
“You got a lotion for this, you got a cream for that.”
He tapped her cheek.
“Got any perfume that smells like get the fuck off my back?”
Aria shoved him.
Barty stumbled into a desk, bounced off it and came straight back, laughing.
James had both hands cupped around his mouth. “Fight! Fight! Fight!”
“They are fighting,” Peter said.
“More!”
Lily smacked James’s arm.
Mary and Marlene were nearly doubled over. Alice laughed openly while Frank watched the fake wrestling with a mixture of concern and fascination. Fabian and Gideon were arguing about whether biting was permitted under rap-battle rules.
Barty hooked an arm around Aria’s shoulders.
“When things are good they’re great, and it’s like I’m dreamin’.”
Aria drove her elbow lightly into his ribs.
He released her and staggered away.
“Until your junk starts bleedin’ and you turn to a demon.”
Aria’s eyebrows climbed.
Briar winced.
Dorcas muttered, “Bad choice.”
Evan nodded. “Very bad.”
Barty seemed to realise it too late but committed anyway.
“It ain’t summer, Eve, don’t try to play me like a douche.”
He raised an imaginary apple towards her.
“You wanna bite on my fruit, well, you can swallow the truth.”
Aria snatched the imaginary apple from his hand.
“Don’t even bring up swallow.”
Barty recoiled.
Aria advanced.
“The first man on Earth ain’t a tough act to follow.”
Regulus laughed sharply.
Barty looked towards Briar for support.
She was covering her face, already anticipating what was coming.
Aria jabbed one finger towards his chest.
“One pump chump and you’re hung like a weasel.”
The classroom detonated.
Barty’s mouth fell open.
Aria looked down towards the front of his robes and made a dismissive sound.
“Psh, ditch the fig leaf, get yourself a pine needle.”
Briar bent over, laughing helplessly.
Barty stared at his girlfriend with absolute betrayal.
“You’re laughing again.”
“I’m trying not to!”
“You’re failing.”
“It was funny!”
Barty clutched his heart.
Regulus was applauding hard enough to make his palms red.
Sirius gave him a disturbed look. “You seem enthusiastic.”
“She’s winning.”
“That isn’t what I meant.”
Aria shoved Barty back another step.
“You want alone time? Have it, in fact.”
She made an obscene little gesture towards him.
“Suck your own dick and shave your own back.”
Barty tried to tackle her.
Aria twisted, caught him around the middle and dragged him sideways.
They crashed into a chair, both laughing as they fought over who would be forced into it.
Mulciber pulled the chair away before either of them could break it.
Aria used the sudden loss of support to throw Barty onto the floor.
He landed on his back with a dramatic grunt.
She planted one foot beside his shoulder.
“That apple’s the best thing I bit so far.”
She leaned over him.
“Now I see how much of a dick you are.”
The cheers were deafening.
Regulus stood to clap.
Briar shouted Aria’s name despite Barty lying on the floor.
Barty looked towards her.
“You’ve chosen her?”
“You’re doing very well.”
“She just threw me down.”
“You let her.”
Barty considered this.
“That’s true.”
He caught Aria’s ankle and pulled.
She yelped and toppled beside him.
They rolled across the floor, grappling and laughing, until Barty managed to pin her shoulders beneath his forearms.
He leaned over her, hair falling wildly around his face.
“I wasn’t listening, are you still flapping those lips?”
Aria tried to knee him aside.
Barty dodged.
“I was just thinking, ‘Yo, did I give up a rib for this?’”
She hooked both feet behind his legs and flipped him.
The class screamed.
Aria landed astride his stomach, pinning his wrists.
Barty looked up at her, still continuing without missing the rhythm.
“Woman, I just don’t know what your problem is.”
Aria squeezed his wrists harder.
“All I know is you’re acting like a colossal bitch.”
Silence fell.
Barty and Aria stared at one another.
Their faces were red from exertion.
Both were visibly fighting laughter.
Regulus folded his arms.
Briar watched with raised eyebrows.
Sirius whispered, “He’s about to die.”
“Again,” Remus said.
Barty’s grin softened into exaggerated remorse.
“I’m sorry…”
Aria continued staring.
Then her expression softened too.
“I’m sorry, too.”
Barty’s eyebrows rose.
A slow, hopeful smirk spread across his face.
“All right, nice~”
Aria slapped one hand over his forehead and shoved his head back against the floor.
“Don’t even think about it.”
The room erupted.
Barty sighed beneath her.
“Okay, that’s fine, we could eat.”
Aria broke.
She collapsed sideways, laughing so hard she could no longer keep him pinned.
Barty rolled after her and grabbed her around the waist, trying to wrestle her back onto the floor while laughing just as hard.
“You cheated!”
“How?”
“You weaponised Eve!”
“That was the role!”
“You enjoyed it too much.”
“You challenged me!”
Barty tried to hook one leg around hers.
Aria shoved her palm into his face.
He made an outraged noise and bit harmlessly at her hand again.
She grabbed his hair.
Briar was laughing with both hands over her mouth.
Regulus leaned against the desk, openly delighted.
Sirius watched his brother’s expression and shook his head.
“You knew she was going to win.”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t warn Crouch?”
“Why would I ruin the entertainment?”
Sirius smiled despite himself. “Fair.”
Regulus looked at him.
“You agreed with me.”
“I made a mistake.”
“Too late.”
James threw an arm around Sirius. “Brotherly unity.”
Sirius shoved him away.
Pandora climbed onto the low platform and lifted both arms while Aria and Barty continued wrestling on the floor beneath her.
“Who won?”
“ARIA!” Regulus and Briar shouted at exactly the same time.
The rest of the room joined them.
“EVE!”
“ARIA!”
“PARKINSON!”
Barty stopped wrestling.
He stared up at the ceiling.
“Betrayed by everyone I love.”
Briar crouched beside him and kissed his forehead.
“You were very funny.”
His expression immediately brightened. “Really?”
“Yes.”
“Better than Jack the Ripper?”
“Much.”
Barty sat up, satisfied.
Aria shoved him back down.
The class laughed again.
Pandora’s bells chimed as she asked, “Who’s next?”
Several people immediately avoided eye contact.
Wilkes pointed at them. “See? This is why Parkinson gets every turn.”
Aria raised one hand from where she was still sitting on Barty’s stomach.
“I volunteer.”
“You’re currently crushing Crouch.”
“That doesn’t prevent volunteering.”
Barty wrapped both arms around her waist and attempted to drag her down again.
Avery stood on his chair and shouted, “You decide!”
Hands struck desks.
Feet stamped against stone.
Briar cheered for her best friend, Regulus whistled hard enough to make Sirius flinch, and the entire room roared together while Aria and Barty kept trying to shove each other over.
“Epic Rap Battles of History!”
The cheering from Aria’s victory over Barty had barely quietened before Pandora gathered the remaining character slips from the floor and began sorting them into neat little piles on the teacher’s desk.
Barty was still lying on his back with Aria sitting across his stomach.
“You can move now,” he informed her.
“I know.”
“You’re crushing my internal organs.”
“You survived poison earlier.”
“That was Evan.”
Aria looked across the classroom.
Evan was leaning against a desk beside Regulus, watching them with mild amusement.
“Same difference.”
“It absolutely is not.”
Briar reached down and offered Barty her hand. He accepted it immediately, allowing his girlfriend to haul him upright while Aria climbed off him and returned to Regulus.
Regulus opened one arm without looking.
Aria stepped neatly beneath it.
Sirius watched the effortless movement with narrowed eyes.
“You two have rehearsed that.”
Regulus glanced at him. “Rehearsed what?”
“That.”
“You’ll need to be more specific.”
“The revolting little arm thing.”
Aria leaned more comfortably into Regulus’s side. “Jealous?”
“Of what?”
“Not having someone who runs back into your arms after publicly humiliating your childhood friend.”
James threw his arm around Sirius’s shoulders.
“I’m here.”
Sirius shoved him away. “You’re making it worse.”
James grinned and immediately returned his attention to the slips Pandora was arranging.
“What’s next?”
Pandora held up one piece of parchment in each hand.
“This one requires eight people.”
The room went quiet.
Avery slowly leaned backwards.
Mulciber looked towards the windows as though hoping not to be noticed.
Travers began eating sweets with sudden concentration.
Nott folded his arms and shook his head before Pandora had even asked.
Wilkes pointed at himself. “I’ve already died today.”
“So have I,” Evan said.
“You got better.”
“So did you.”
Wilkes considered that. “Still emotionally recovering.”
Snape did not bother offering an excuse. He merely looked at Pandora with an expression that clearly said no.
Aria stepped forward immediately.
“I’ll do it.”
Someone groaned.
“Of course you will,” Wilkes said.
Aria put both hands on her hips. “At least I’m willing.”
Briar moved to her side. “I’ll join her.”
Barty brightened. “Briar’s performing?”
Briar looked at him. “Apparently.”
“I’m supporting you.”
“You don’t even know which team I’m on.”
“The winning one.”
Dorcas sighed and rose from her desk. “I’ll do it.”
Pandora lifted her hand. “Me too.”
The four girls gathered around the desk.
Pandora studied the slips.
“Artists of the Renaissance.”
Remus immediately straightened.
Lily moved closer. “Which artists?”
Pandora turned over the first slip.
“Leonardo da Vinci.”
Briar took it.
The second went to Pandora herself.
“Donatello di Niccolò.”
The third bore Raphael’s name.
Aria snatched it before anyone else could reach.
“Mine.”
Dorcas accepted the final slip with her usual brooding resignation.
“Michelangelo Buonarroti.”
Remus looked delighted.
Lily was already leaning over the desk to examine their notes.
“This could be good.”
Sirius glanced between them. “You said that about the Russian monarchs.”
“It was good.”
“Snape murdered people.”
“Historically.”
Snape’s head turned towards Lily. “That is not a defence I would recommend repeating.”
Across the desk, Pandora lifted another group of slips.
“And the other team are turtles.”
There was a pause.
James shot to his feet.
“I volunteer.”
Sirius stared at him. “Of course you do.”
“They need another person.”
“They need four people.”
“They have three already.”
Everyone looked at Regulus, Barty and Evan.
Evan blinked. “When did we agree?”
Pandora held out a purple strip of parchment towards him.
“You’re Donatello.”
Evan accepted it with a long-suffering sigh.
Barty grabbed the blue one.
“Leonardo.”
Regulus took the red.
“Raphael.”
James snatched the orange slip and held it triumphantly overhead.
“Michelangelo.”
Marlene looked him up and down. “That is painfully accurate.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t praise.”
James was already moving to stand beside the other three.
The arrangement was immediately ridiculous.
Evan stood perfectly composed with his parchment held between two fingers.
Regulus examined his role with quiet concentration.
Barty swung his imaginary sword at anyone who came too close.
James crouched and began pretending to eat a slice of pizza.
Sirius looked towards his brother.
“You’re a turtle.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. “I noticed.”
“A rude turtle.”
“Still preferable to being you.”
James slapped Regulus on the shoulder. “Turtle solidarity.”
Regulus looked at the hand.
James removed it.
Barty moved to the middle of the team. “I’m obviously the leader.”
“You’re Leonardo,” Evan said. “That is the premise.”
“I would also naturally be the leader.”
“No,” Regulus said.
Barty turned towards him. “You’re meant to be the cool but rude one.”
“I can multitask.”
Dorcas folded her arms across the room. “Are you lot finished?”
James threw up both hands. “Cowabunga.”
Dorcas looked even more miserable.
Aria began laughing before the round had started.
The girls gathered on one side of the open floor. Briar stood at the front, calm but clearly amused. Pandora swayed gently beside her, bells chiming in her hair. Aria bounced on her toes, already dancing to the rhythm of the desks. Dorcas remained stern, shoulders squared and expression dark enough to make her look as though creating the Sistine Chapel had been an enormous personal inconvenience.
The four boys lined up opposite them.
James and Barty were both incapable of standing still.
Evan looked embarrassed on principle.
Regulus stood between them, red parchment tucked into his pocket, visibly trying not to smile.
Sirius pointed towards him. “I can see you enjoying yourself.”
“I’m standing.”
“You’re doing the mouth thing.”
“My mouth is part of my face.”
“The almost-smile.”
Regulus smiled properly.
Sirius threw up his hands. “There. That.”
Aria caught Regulus’s eye from across the floor and winked.
His smile sharpened.
Sirius dropped back into his chair. “Hopeless.”
Mulciber hammered out the opening beat against the desk.
Avery, Wilkes, Travers and Nott joined him.
Snape lifted one hand.
“Epic Rap Battles of History!”
The desks shook.
Wilkes pointed towards the boys one by one.
“Donatello, Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael!”
Pandora swept both hands towards the girls.
“Versus!”
Avery gestured grandly across the line of artists.
“Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael!”
Everyone shouted together.
“Begin!”
Briar moved forward first.
She adjusted her glasses, looked the four boys over and gave them a deceptively sweet smile.
“Cowabunga, dude, so let’s get it on.”
James whooped.
Briar continued without acknowledging him.
“Reptiles against the fathers of the Renaissance.”
Remus clapped immediately.
Lily nodded, smiling. “Good opening.”
Briar gestured towards Pandora, Aria and Dorcas.
“We got the classical technique.”
Then she pointed sharply towards the boys.
“To kick these three-toed freaks back under the street.”
Barty looked down at his shoes as though checking the number of toes.
James lifted one foot.
Peter leaned forward. “Do the turtles have three toes?”
“Yes,” Lily and Remus answered together.
Peter sat back.
Briar paced towards Regulus.
“I take a turtle and I turn him into mincemeat.”
Regulus tilted his head, composed but amused.
“You don’t really wanna step to da Vinci.”
She turned away from him with a smooth sweep of her curls.
“I love the ladies, I like to keep it mellow.”
Briar glanced at Barty.
Barty immediately placed both hands over his heart.
Briar smiled despite herself.
“So let me pass the mic to my man, Donatello.”
She held out an imaginary microphone.
Pandora accepted it with both hands.
She drifted forward, staring dreamily at Evan.
“Hard shell, but you’re gross in the middle.”
Evan put one hand against his chest.
“That seems unnecessarily personal.”
Pandora continued, raising an imaginary tool.
“Wouldn’t wanna touch you with a six-foot chisel.”
She poked the air in front of him.
Evan stepped back as if avoiding it.
Pandora turned in a slow circle.
“Born in goop, raised in poop.”
James immediately started laughing.
Barty looked scandalised.
Regulus glanced down at his robes again as though they might somehow have become covered in sewage.
Pandora sliced one hand through the air.
“I slice through a group of ninjas like fruit—oops!”
The movement ended directly beside Barty’s head.
Barty ducked belatedly.
The classroom erupted.
Dorcas slapped one hand against the desk.
Snape’s mouth twitched.
Alice laughed while Frank applauded beside her. Fabian and Gideon both attempted Pandora’s slicing motion and nearly hit one another. Marlene shouted encouragement, and Mary repeated “raised in poop” under her breath before dissolving into laughter again.
Pandora passed the imaginary microphone towards Aria.
Aria caught it in one hand and spun.
“Yo, Raphael, and I came to flow.”
She danced straight towards Regulus.
He watched her approach with his arms folded.
“Deemed dope by the Pope and I boned till I croaked.”
Regulus’s eyebrows rose.
Sirius looked sharply between them. “No.”
Aria grinned at Regulus.
Regulus clapped once, deliberately.
Sirius pointed at him. “Do not encourage that line.”
“It rhymed.”
“That is irrelevant.”
Aria swayed her hips directly in front of Regulus before spinning away.
“I’m an emcee Shredder but I get the feeling.”
She pointed upwards.
“I should pass it up to my man on the ceiling!”
Everyone looked towards Dorcas.
Dorcas slowly lifted her head as though she had, until that moment, been painting something above them.
Remus laughed. “The Sistine Chapel.”
Lily clapped. “I was waiting for that.”
Dorcas stepped forward.
Her expression remained broody and severe, but her voice rose with theatrical grandeur.
“Oh, Michelangelo, and I’m a giant!”
James spread both arms as though personally challenged.
Dorcas looked him up and down.
“I made David, but I’ll slay you like Goliath!”
James clutched his chest.
Marlene shouted, “She got you!”
“I’m still standing!”
“Unfortunately.”
Dorcas raised both hands.
“I’m a rap God, and you can’t quite touch me!”
She leaned towards James with a grim little smile.
“This battle’s your Last Judgement, trust me!”
Lily cheered.
Remus struck the desk with his palm. “Excellent.”
James looked between them. “You two are enjoying the art references more than the actual insults.”
“The references are the insults,” Lily said.
“That’s why they’re good,” Remus added.
Pandora and Briar stepped forward together.
“We drop science!”
Briar adjusted her glasses while Pandora mimed measuring something in the air.
Aria and Dorcas joined them.
“We got the mathematics!”
All four girls linked arms.
“The architects of rebirth are rap addicts!”
They advanced towards the boys as one line.
“You beat the Foot, but it won’t go well.”
Aria lifted one boot.
“When you catch an Italian boot to the half shell!”
She kicked the air near Barty.
Barty jumped backwards and collided with James.
James grabbed him around the waist.
Evan caught James by the shoulder before all three could fall.
Regulus simply stepped away and let them struggle.
Sirius laughed. “Excellent teamwork.”
Regulus looked towards him. “I avoided the problem.”
“You abandoned your team.”
“I made a tactical decision.”
Barty untangled himself from James.
“You’re meant to be loyal.”
“I am loyal.”
“To whom?”
Regulus looked across the room at Aria.
Barty followed his gaze.
“Right. Stupid question.”
The boys regrouped.
Barty straightened and lifted one hand with exaggerated wisdom.
“The wisdom of our master—”
All four boys pointed towards the ceiling.
“Splinter!”
James pressed his palms together.
“Taught us not to rush to violence—”
Again, the four shouted, “Splinter!”
Evan sighed as they continued, “But our master—”
Regulus’s mouth twitched.
“Master Splinter!”
James leapt forward, abandoning all pretence of dignity.
“Ain’t here, dudes! Hee-yah!”
He launched himself into a spinning kick that stopped nowhere near any of the girls.
His foot struck only air.
He nearly overbalanced.
Frank inhaled sharply.
Alice grabbed his arm.
James windmilled his arms and recovered.
The room cheered anyway.
Sirius cupped his hands around his mouth. “Graceful!”
James bowed.
Barty drew an imaginary sword and stalked towards Briar.
“I don’t think you wanna mess with my katana blade!”
Briar watched him with a patient smile.
Barty slashed the air.
“Get back in your floppy helicopter, fly away!”
Briar lifted an eyebrow.
Barty faltered for half a second.
“You’re supposed to look intimidated.”
“I’m trying.”
“You’re smiling.”
“You’re very enthusiastic.”
Barty’s expression softened.
Dorcas groaned. “Stay in character.”
Barty immediately looked fierce again.
James bounced forward beside him.
“I can Bebop and steadyrock a mic, sucka!”
He mimed swinging nunchucks and nearly struck Evan.
Evan caught his wrist.
James used the other hand instead.
“I’m a pristine Sistine nun chucka!”
Remus stared.
Lily covered her face.
“That pun was appalling,” she said.
“It mentioned the Sistine Chapel,” James replied.
“That doesn’t make it good.”
“You liked it when Dorcas said it.”
“Dorcas used the reference correctly.”
James looked wounded.
Marlene shouted, “Keep going, turtle boy!”
Regulus stepped forward next.
He looked towards Aria, who was still dancing lightly beside Briar.
“Oh hi, I’m a cool but rude guy.”
Aria pointed at him, laughing.
“That’s accurate!”
Sirius snorted. “More rude than cool.”
Regulus did not look away from Aria.
“Put you back in school with the tip of my two sai.”
He mimed drawing the weapons and crossed them in front of her.
Aria stepped closer until she stood between the imaginary blades.
Regulus’s stern expression broke.
She smirked.
Sirius shouted, “Stop flirting and battle!”
Regulus turned his head. “Stop interrupting.”
“You’ve forgotten you’re a turtle.”
“I haven’t.”
“You’re staring at her.”
“She’s my opponent.”
“She’s your girlfriend.”
“Both can be true.”
Aria kissed the air in his direction and backed away.
Evan stepped forward before the brothers could continue.
“Uh, Dona-tell me who you are again, dude.”
Pandora looked at him with wide, dreamy eyes.
Evan gestured towards her.
“’Cause I don’t Gattamelata clue what you do.”
Remus made an appreciative noise.
Lily immediately nodded. “Donatello’s equestrian statue.”
Pandora smiled.
“You remembered.”
Evan inclined his head. “It was on the notes.”
“Still counts.”
Barty whispered to James, “He’s letting them win now too.”
James nodded solemnly. “Turtle tradition.”
Evan heard them.
“No.”
Pandora stepped towards him.
“That’s because you mutants are too immature.”
She tapped him on the nose.
Evan blinked.
Briar moved beside her and fixed the boys with a sharper look.
“You wouldn’t know genius if it pissed in your sewer.”
James’s jaw dropped.
Barty made an appalled noise.
Regulus looked at Evan. “That was directed at you.”
“At all of us.”
“Mostly you.”
Evan folded his arms. “Thank you.”
The four girls closed ranks again.
Briar raised one hand.
“We got the talent, and the mind, and the rhymes so sweet.”
Pandora, Aria and Dorcas joined her.
“We’re like your NES game, because we can’t be beat!”
Peter looked confused.
“What’s an NES?”
“No idea,” Frank said.
“Muggle gaming,” Lily replied.
Sirius gestured vaguely. “Why do the Renaissance artists know about games?”
Remus gave him a patient look. “Why are they having a rap battle with mutant turtles?”
Sirius considered that.
“Fair.”
The girls turned their backs as though the battle were already over.
The boys exchanged looks.
James grinned.
All four surged forward.
“Go ahead and hate ’cause we’ll just skate on by.”
James and Barty mimed skating across the floor. Evan followed with considerably less enthusiasm. Regulus did one smooth sliding step, earning an immediate cheer from Aria.
The boys pointed towards the artists.
“You guys draw more dicks than New York Pride.”
The classroom exploded.
Lily’s eyes widened.
Remus coughed hard into his hand.
Mary and Marlene doubled over against one another.
Alice hid her face behind Frank’s shoulder while Frank went scarlet. Peter made a strangled noise. Fabian fell sideways into Gideon. Gideon was laughing too hard to hold him up.
Snape pinched the bridge of his nose.
Dorcas looked unimpressed.
Pandora tilted her head as though seriously considering the artistic accusation.
Briar covered her mouth, laughing.
Aria yelled, “That’s art!”
Regulus looked directly at her.
“I didn’t say it wasn’t.”
Sirius turned towards him. “Don’t continue that conversation.”
The four boys spread out across the floor.
“We’re the TMNT, drop kicking Italy!”
They each performed a different kick.
James’s was enormous and reckless.
Barty’s was fast but badly aimed.
Evan barely lifted his foot.
Regulus completed a neat, controlled turn that ended facing Aria again.
The boys began jumping in rhythm.
“Go, go, go, go, go!”
James threw one arm around Barty.
Barty grabbed Evan.
Evan reluctantly caught Regulus’s sleeve.
“Chowing on your tower made of pizza, save a slice for me!”
They ended in an uneven line, arms spread.
Silence held for half a second.
Then the classroom erupted.
James raised both hands triumphantly.
“We destroyed them.”
“No,” Lily said immediately.
The girls turned around.
Briar looked calm and victorious.
Pandora was smiling.
Dorcas wore the stern satisfaction of someone who had predicted the result before the round began.
Aria was already dancing in place.
Barty pointed towards Lily. “You haven’t heard the vote.”
“I heard the verses.”
Remus nodded. “The Renaissance references were significantly stronger.”
James placed one hand on his chest. “Pristine Sistine nun chucka.”
Lily looked at him. “Exactly.”
“That was brilliant.”
“That was painful.”
Marlene stood on her chair. “Girls won!”
Mary raised both arms. “Artists!”
Alice cheered beside Frank, who nodded apologetically towards James before clapping for the girls.
Peter hesitated, looked at James, then joined the girls’ side too.
“Sorry.”
James stared at him. “Wormtail.”
“They were better.”
Fabian pointed towards the girls. “They had Italian boots.”
Gideon nodded. “And science.”
“And mathematics.”
“And rebirth.”
Sirius leaned back in his chair. “I’m voting against Regulus.”
Regulus looked over. “Naturally.”
“You abandoned your team.”
“I completed every line.”
“You flirted through half of them.”
Aria wrapped both arms around Regulus from behind.
“He did very well.”
Sirius gestured at her. “The opposition has captured you.”
Regulus rested his hands over Aria’s arms.
“I surrender.”
Sirius made a disgusted noise.
Briar moved back towards Barty.
He caught her hands.
“You’re voting for yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Against me?”
“You told me to be on the winning team.”
Barty stared at her.
Then he nodded slowly. “I respect that.”
Evan looked towards Pandora. “I assume you’re also voting against me.”
Pandora smiled. “You made a very good turtle.”
“That is not an answer.”
“It is the answer you’re getting.”
Dorcas walked past James.
He looked hopefully at her. “I was a good Michelangelo.”
“You nearly kicked a desk.”
“But I didn’t.”
“Low standard.”
Snape raised his hand for silence.
It took several attempts before the room settled.
“Who won?”
Every girl shouted first.
“THE ARTISTS!”
Remus and Lily joined immediately.
Then Marlene, Mary, Alice, Frank, Peter, Fabian and Gideon.
Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, Travers and Nott added their voices, some more reluctantly than others.
Briar raised Aria’s hand.
Aria grabbed Dorcas’s.
Dorcas caught Pandora’s wrist.
The four girls lifted their joined hands overhead.
“The Renaissance!”
James looked at the other turtles.
“We lost.”
Evan nodded. “Clearly.”
Barty leaned closer to Regulus. “This was your fault.”
“My fault?”
“You distracted Aria.”
“That should have helped us.”
“You encouraged her.”
Regulus looked towards his girlfriend.
Aria was grinning at him from beneath her raised arm.
“I regret nothing.”
Sirius laughed. “Worst turtle ever.”
Regulus pointed at him. “You didn’t participate.”
“I have dignity.”
James slung an arm around him again. “You can be Splinter next round.”
Sirius shoved him away.
Pandora’s bells rang as she lifted her chin.
“Who’s next?”
A jumble of answers filled the classroom.
Wilkes climbed onto his chair.
“You decide!”
The desks thundered again.
The girls bowed together while the four boys stood behind them, loudly disputing the result despite everyone already knowing it.
The entire room shouted, “Epic Rap Battles of History!”
The next slips were unfolded while the classroom was still arguing over whether the Renaissance artists had won through superior references or merely because the turtles had spent half their verse flirting with their opponents.
Pandora inspected the first name.
“Cleopatra.”
Aria’s hand shot into the air.
Wilkes groaned. “Of course.”
“I volunteer,” Aria reminded him.
“You volunteer for everything.”
“And yet none of you ever beat me to it.”
She took the parchment from Pandora, glanced at the name and grinned.
Regulus gave an approving nod from beside her. “That suits you.”
Aria turned towards him, flicking her dyed hair over one shoulder. “Because I’m beautiful and powerful?”
“Because you expect everyone to bow when you enter a room.”
“That too.”
She kissed his cheek.
Sirius made another disgusted noise from beside James.
Regulus looked over. “You’ve been doing that for several rounds. Perhaps you should see Madam Pomfrey.”
“I’m reacting naturally.”
“To my girlfriend?”
“To both of you.”
Aria tucked herself briefly against Regulus’s side before turning back towards Pandora. “Who am I destroying?”
Pandora lifted the second slip.
“Marilyn Monroe.”
The entire room became extraordinarily interested in anything other than the parchment.
Mulciber studied the floor.
Avery looked out the window.
Travers began counting his sweets.
Nott inspected his fingernails.
Wilkes sat down before anyone could suggest him.
Snape simply said, “No.”
Dorcas folded her arms. “I’ve done two Bonds and Michelangelo.”
Evan shook his head.
Barty immediately attached himself more firmly to Briar. “I’m unavailable.”
“You challenged Aria willingly five minutes ago,” Briar said.
“And I learned from the experience.”
Peter looked at Frank.
Frank shook his head quickly.
Fabian pointed at Gideon.
Gideon caught his wrist and forced the hand back towards Fabian.
Marlene and Mary both stepped behind Lily.
Alice smiled apologetically.
James looked around with visible interest but did not move.
Then every eye in the classroom shifted towards Sirius.
Sirius felt it happen.
“No.”
James laid a hand on his shoulder.
“No.”
Remus placed another hand against his back.
“Absolutely not.”
Marlene leaned over the desk and pushed his chair with one foot.
Sirius grabbed the edges. “Stop that.”
“You’d make an excellent Marilyn,” Mary said.
“I would make an excellent corpse after Parkinson finishes with me.”
Aria smiled sweetly from the front of the room.
Sirius pointed at her. “She’s beaten me up multiple times.”
“You started most of those fights,” Lily said.
“That doesn’t make the beatings less real.”
Aria counted on her fingers. “You insulted my hair, stole my lighter, called me short, interrupted my nap and tried to throw my bag into the lake.”
“It looked waterproof.”
“It had holes in it.”
“That sounds like a design flaw.”
Aria took one step towards him.
Sirius flinched backwards.
The room erupted into laughter.
Regulus laughed louder than nearly everyone.
Sirius turned sharply. “You’re enjoying this?”
“You’re frightened of my girlfriend.”
“She fights like an angry badger.”
Aria looked pleased. “Thank you.”
“That wasn’t praise.”
“It sounded like praise.”
James and Remus pushed Sirius’s chair forward together.
The legs scraped against the stone.
Sirius dug his heels into the floor.
“No.”
James grinned. “You’re already dressed for Marilyn.”
Sirius looked down at his uniform. “How?”
“The hair.”
“My hair is black.”
“The spirit.”
“There is no spirit!”
Fabian and Gideon joined the pushing.
Sirius’s chair slid another foot.
“Traitors!”
Peter gave the back of the chair one cautious shove.
Sirius twisted around. “You too?”
Peter immediately stepped behind Frank.
Marlene caught Sirius by one sleeve while Mary took the other.
They dragged him upright.
“I hate all of you.”
Alice clapped encouragingly. “You’ll be wonderful.”
“I’m going to be hospitalised.”
Frank gave him an apologetic look. “Probably not.”
“Probably?”
Aria cracked her knuckles.
Frank corrected himself. “You’ll be fine.”
Sirius was shoved into the open space opposite her.
He straightened his robes with whatever dignity remained.
Aria smirked.
Sirius took one careful step backwards.
She took one forward.
“Stop that.”
“I’m standing.”
“You’re standing threateningly.”
Regulus leaned back against the teacher’s desk, arms folded. “She hasn’t touched you.”
“She’s thinking about it.”
“I usually am,” Aria said.
Sirius glared at Regulus. “Control your girlfriend.”
Regulus’s expression went blank.
Aria’s smile widened.
Sirius reconsidered. “Actually, don’t say anything.”
James passed him the Marilyn slip. “You volunteered.”
“I was physically relocated.”
“You didn’t leave.”
“Because the door is behind fifteen people.”
Pandora moved between Sirius and Aria, bells chiming softly as she raised her hands.
The Slytherins struck the desks.
“EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
Avery pointed towards Aria.
“CLEOPATRA!”
Wilkes swung towards Sirius.
“VS MARILYN MONROE!”
Barty slammed both palms against the nearest desk.
“BEGIN!”
Sirius drew himself upright.
For one moment, he managed something close to glamour—chin lifted, hair tossed back, one hand resting elegantly against his chest.
Then he looked at Aria’s amused face and his jaw tightened.
“Whose rap flow’s the dopest? Marilyn Monroe’s is.”
He swept one hand through his hair.
“Overthrow pharaohs who oppose me like Moses.”
Remus nodded. “Solid reference.”
Lily clapped. “Good opening!”
Sirius pointed at Aria.
“You could never kick my ass, so kiss my clitoris.”
The classroom exploded.
Regulus’s eyebrows shot upwards.
James folded over the back of his chair.
Mary shrieked.
Marlene slapped both hands against the desk. Alice covered her face while laughing, and Frank turned scarlet beside her. Fabian grabbed Gideon’s shoulder. Gideon was too busy choking to respond. Peter stared determinedly at the ceiling.
Barty howled.
Briar caught his sleeve before he could fall from the desk.
Aria slowly raised one eyebrow.
Sirius’s confidence faltered.
“You said I could never kick your arse?” she asked.
“It’s the line.”
“You’ve got a poor memory.”
“I remember the fights.”
“Clearly not the endings.”
Sirius’s face heated.
He raised his voice.
“This ugly hag and KassemG got matching noses!”
Aria touched her nose.
Then she looked towards Regulus.
Regulus shook his head. “I like your nose.”
Aria smiled. “Thank you, baby.”
Sirius groaned. “Can we not do this during my verse?”
“You insulted her,” Regulus said.
“You’re supposed to be neutral!”
“I have never claimed neutrality.”
Aria moved forward with an easy sway, amusement bright in her expression.
“You better hold more than your skirt, miss please.”
She pretended to lift a long royal gown away from her boots.
“I’m the Queen of the Nile, so just bow down to me.”
She flicked her wrist.
Sirius stared at her.
Aria waited.
“Absolutely not.”
“Bow.”
“No.”
She took another step.
Sirius bent into the quickest, shallowest bow imaginable and straightened immediately.
The room roared.
Regulus clapped slowly, looking unbearably smug.
Sirius pointed at him. “You would have done the same.”
“No.”
“She’s your girlfriend.”
“Exactly. I bow voluntarily.”
Sirius stared.
James looked delighted. “That’s oddly romantic.”
“It is not,” Sirius said.
Aria continued circling him.
“Plus you’ve got so much experience down on your knees.”
Her smile sharpened.
“Married a writer, but I don’t even think you can read.”
Lily winced and laughed at once.
Remus gave an appreciative hum.
Snape’s mouth twitched.
Sirius’s expression tightened further.
“I can read.”
“Congratulations,” Aria said.
“I read constantly.”
“You read hair-product labels.”
“They’re informative.”
“You’ll sleep with any ugly dude who says he likes it hot.”
Aria leaned close enough to make Sirius draw back.
“Even Joe DiMaggio took a swing in your batter’s box.”
James shouted with laughter.
Marlene whistled.
Mary pointed at Aria. “She’s already winning.”
“She is not,” Sirius snapped.
Aria turned her back on him and spread both arms.
“I’m a descendant of the Gods, don’t anger me, trick.”
She glanced over one shoulder.
“You’ll lose this battle like your bout with barbiturates.”
The classroom answered with a mixture of cheers and sharp noises of appreciation.
Lily looked impressed by the reference despite herself.
Remus nodded. “Brutal.”
Sirius’s jaw clenched.
He stepped towards Aria, abandoning the airy Marilyn performance almost completely.
“I had some ugly boys but you’re forgettin’ the others!”
He was no longer elegantly projecting.
He was shouting.
“Marlon Brando and the Kennedys, while you fuck your own brothers!”
The class erupted again.
Regulus’s face twisted.
Sirius caught it.
“Not you.”
“I didn’t think you meant me.”
“You looked offended.”
“I was reacting to your delivery.”
“What’s wrong with my delivery?”
“You’re yelling.”
“It’s a battle!”
“It is a rap battle,” Evan said. “Not a corridor argument.”
Sirius rounded on him. “I know what it is!”
Evan raised both hands.
Aria laughed.
Sirius spun back towards her.
“You think you’re so chic up in your fancy palace!”
Aria rocked back on her heels, still grinning.
“Gettin’ Lo on Mark Antony, tossing Caesar’s salad!”
Barty slapped the desk repeatedly.
Briar grabbed his hand before he bruised it.
Pandora blinked dreamily.
Dorcas muttered, “He’s completely lost the character.”
“He’s just Sirius now,” Regulus agreed.
Sirius heard him.
“I am in character!”
“You’re red in the face.”
“I’m performing!”
Aria fluttered her eyelashes at him.
That only made him louder.
“You wear too much eyeliner for anyone to adore you!”
She touched the dark liner around her own eyes.
Regulus immediately said, “Incorrect again.”
Sirius threw both arms out. “Stop correcting me!”
“Stop being wrong.”
“You might as well be working the door at Sephora!”
Aria began laughing harder.
Sirius paced in front of her.
“I got an ass that won’t quit, you had an asp and got bit!”
He jabbed one finger towards her chest.
“On the tit! Somebody wrap this bitch back up in a carpet!”
He finished nearly breathless.
The class went wild.
James and Peter were both pounding the desk. Remus laughed into one hand. Lily shook her head, smiling despite Sirius’s increasingly furious delivery. Marlene and Mary shouted over one another. Alice cheered while Frank clapped beside her. Fabian and Gideon repeated the carpet line to each other.
Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, Travers and Nott were yelling Sirius’s name.
Snape, however, looked towards Aria. “He’s made himself easy to provoke.”
Dorcas nodded. “He always does.”
Sirius heard that too. “I am not provoked!”
Aria smiled directly into his face.
“You’re shouting.”
“I’m rapping.”
“You’re throwing a tantrum with rhythm.”
Regulus snorted.
Sirius whipped around. “Stay out of it.”
“You’re battling my girlfriend.”
“And?”
“And she’s winning.”
“I’ve done more lines!”
“That isn’t how winning works.”
Aria stepped neatly between the brothers before Sirius could launch into another argument.
“You still got no children after your third marriage.”
Her tone remained light and teasing, almost conversational.
Sirius stopped.
Aria tilted her head.
“You lost so many babies we should call you Miss Carriage.”
The reaction crashed through the room.
Several people winced.
Briar’s eyes widened.
Pandora placed both hands against her cheeks.
Dorcas gave a low whistle.
Evan murmured, “That was vicious.”
Regulus stared at Aria for one second, then started applauding.
Sirius’s mouth opened.
Nothing emerged.
Aria danced around him.
“You’ve got an hourglass figure, but that’s about it.”
She drew the shape in the air beside him.
“A candle in the wind that can’t act for shit.”
James collapsed against Remus.
Remus barely caught him.
Sirius pointed furiously at Aria. “That was low.”
“It’s a battle.”
“You can’t use that excuse after everything.”
“You did.”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“Because I—”
Sirius stopped, visibly unable to find an explanation.
Aria waited, smiling.
“Because I’m Marilyn Monroe,” he finished.
Marlene shouted, “Brilliant defence!”
Mary applauded sarcastically.
Sirius glared at them before turning back to Aria.
“Translate this into hieroglyphs!”
He marched closer.
“Your sandy vagina has a seven-year itch!”
Regulus’s head snapped towards him.
Sirius saw it and took one step backwards.
“It’s the lyric.”
Regulus unfolded his arms.
“Sandy?”
“Character work.”
“You’re yelling about my girlfriend’s vagina.”
Sirius lifted both hands. “They made me do this!”
Aria looked delighted by the argument.
“Keep going,” she encouraged.
“I don’t need permission.”
“You look like you do.”
Sirius’s eyes narrowed.
“My best friends are diamonds! You can’t beat me, quit trippin’!”
He threw his hair back dramatically, trying to reclaim Marilyn’s glamour and mostly looking furious.
“Step off and walk your ass home like an Egyptian!”
He pointed towards the back of the room.
Aria did not move.
Instead, she folded her arms and smiled at him.
Sirius breathed hard.
The silence lasted one beat.
Then Aria performed a small, mocking Egyptian-style arm movement, turned in a graceful circle and bowed.
The classroom exploded.
Regulus was on his feet first.
“ARIA!”
He clapped above his head and whistled sharply.
Briar sprang up beside him, cheering for her best friend. Barty shouted Aria’s name with her, though he gave Sirius an apologetic shrug when the older Black glared at him.
“She won.”
“She did not.”
“She stayed calm,” Evan said.
“You screamed every line,” Dorcas added.
“I projected.”
“You threatened Sephora,” Marlene said.
Mary laughed. “And got bullied into bowing.”
“I was committing to the scene.”
Alice was clapping for Aria while Frank nodded in agreement. Peter joined them after one uncertain glance at Sirius. Fabian and Gideon had already begun chanting Cleopatra’s name.
Lily looked between the competitors. “Aria’s delivery was better.”
Remus nodded. “She controlled the pace.”
Sirius stared at them. “I had references.”
“So did she,” Lily said.
“Better ones,” Remus added.
James patted Sirius’s shoulder. “You were a very angry Marilyn.”
“I was magnificent.”
“You were terrified.”
“I was not terrified.”
Aria took one quick step towards him.
Sirius moved behind James.
The entire room howled.
Regulus bent over laughing.
Sirius pointed around James’s shoulder. “Instinct!”
“You used Potter as a shield,” Regulus said.
“He volunteered.”
“I did not,” James said.
“You always volunteer.”
“Fair.”
Pandora raised both hands, bells ringing.
“WHO WON?”
“CLEOPATRA!” Regulus and Briar shouted together.
Everyone else followed.
“ARIA!”
“CLEOPATRA!”
“THE QUEEN OF THE NILE!”
Sirius crossed his arms and looked deeply offended.
Aria bowed again, then walked directly to Regulus.
He slid an arm around her waist.
“You were excellent.”
“I know.”
Sirius looked at his brother. “You just complained about lack of neutrality.”
“I never complained.”
“You interfered constantly.”
“You insulted her eyeliner.”
“It was part of the battle.”
“He likes my eyeliner,” Aria said.
Regulus nodded. “I do.”
Sirius looked between them. “I hate you both.”
Regulus smiled sweetly. “You lost.”
“I know!”
The class laughed again.
Pandora lifted her arms higher.
“WHO’S NEXT?”
A jumble of voices answered.
Avery stood on his chair and pointed across the classroom.
“YOU DECIDE!”
Mulciber struck the desk.
Wilkes and Travers joined him. Nott stamped both feet. The Gryffindors added their own clapping and pounding while Sirius continued arguing with Regulus and Aria remained tucked smugly beneath her boyfriend’s arm.
Together, the room roared, “EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
The classroom had not even finished arguing over Sirius’s loss before Pandora unfolded the next set of character slips.
Her eyes travelled over the names.
Then she smiled.
“This one is couples.”
Barty, who had returned to Briar’s side the instant Aria’s victory had been declared, sat up so quickly that he nearly knocked their heads together.
“Us.”
Briar adjusted her glasses. “You don’t know what it is yet.”
“We’re a couple.”
“So are Regulus and Aria.”
Barty looked across the room.
Regulus had one arm around Aria’s waist while she leaned against him, still wearing the victorious smile she had carried away from the last round. At the mention of couples, Aria immediately looked interested.
Barty narrowed his eyes.
“Couple versus couple.”
Aria grinned back. “Scared?”
“Never.”
“You lost to me already.”
“That was Adam.”
“You lost as Jack the Ripper too.”
“That was Regulus.”
“And you didn’t get to be Pompey.”
Barty’s expression tightened. “That was theft.”
Briar patted his knee. “You’re becoming emotional again.”
“I have suffered all afternoon.”
“You’ve been playing games with your friends.”
“Exactly. Unimaginable hardship.”
Pandora raised the first pair of slips.
“Bonnie and Clyde.”
Barty snatched Clyde before anyone else could move.
Briar accepted Bonnie with considerably more dignity.
Barty threw one arm around her shoulders and immediately adopted such an appalling imitation of a Southern accent that several people winced before he had finished his first sentence.
“Well, ain’t this just perfect, darlin’?”
Briar looked up at him.
Her own accent, when she answered, was just as exaggerated. “Reckon it might be.”
Barty’s face lit with adoration.
“You sound wonderful.”
“You sound ridiculous.”
“I’m in character.”
“You sound like you swallowed a cowboy.”
“That is character.”
Pandora turned over the other slips.
“Romeo and Juliet.”
Aria held her hand out.
Regulus placed Romeo into it, took Juliet, looked down at the names and frowned.
Aria looked too.
Then both of them silently traded slips.
Sirius pointed. “That was cheating.”
“Correction,” Regulus said. “It was casting.”
Aria tucked the Juliet slip into the front of her robes and caught Regulus by both hands.
“My Romeo.”
Regulus immediately lowered himself into an extravagant bow over her knuckles.
“My radiant Juliet.”
Sirius stared.
James clasped both hands beneath his chin. “This is going to be brilliant.”
“It is going to be unbearable,” Sirius said.
Mary looked between the two couples. “Honestly, the roles should have been swapped.”
Marlene nodded. “Aria and Barty should be Bonnie and Clyde.”
“They have spent the entire afternoon tackling each other,” Frank said.
Alice smiled. “And they’ve apparently been causing trouble together since childhood.”
Barty pointed at Aria. “She would make an excellent criminal partner.”
Aria pointed back. “We’d be unstoppable.”
Briar looked towards Regulus. “Which would make us Romeo and Juliet.”
Regulus considered her calm expression and nodded. “Far more sensible.”
Barty clutched Briar closer. “No.”
Aria wrapped both arms around Regulus. “Also no.”
“They agree while refusing,” Remus observed.
Lily laughed. “Personality-wise, the alternative casting makes more sense.”
“But relationship-wise?” Evan asked.
Everyone looked at the couples.
Barty was clinging possessively to Briar while she patiently fixed his collar again.
Regulus had drawn Aria against his chest, one hand spread dramatically over his heart as she gazed up at him with theatrical devotion.
Dorcas shook her head. “This is funnier.”
Pandora nodded dreamily. “Bonnie is calm enough to prevent Clyde from running into traffic.”
“And Juliet is apparently the only person who can make Romeo behave like that,” Snape said.
Sirius looked towards his brother.
Regulus had now lifted Aria’s hand and pressed it reverently against his cheek.
“He has never behaved like that in his life.”
Regulus turned his head. “You’re disrupting our romance.”
“You’ve been Romeo for twenty seconds.”
“And already thou art a plague upon Verona.”
James doubled over laughing.
Sirius pointed at Regulus. “Don’t start before the round.”
“Silence, cousin.”
“I’m your brother.”
“Not in Verona.”
Aria clung to Regulus’s arm and sighed dramatically. “Oh, my beloved, why must the cruel world surround us with fools?”
Sirius made a disgusted sound.
Regulus held her tighter. “Fear not, sweetest love. Their ignorance cannot trespass upon the sacred garden of our devotion.”
“Stop,” Sirius said.
“No,” Regulus and Aria replied together.
Barty swaggered into the centre beside Briar, still using the dreadful accent.
“Y’all finished with that fancy talk?”
Briar folded her arms and copied his lazy drawl. “Give ’em time, sugar. Rich folk like hearin’ themselves speak.”
Regulus’s eyebrows rose.
Aria gasped and pressed one hand against her chest.
Briar immediately laughed, dropping character for half a second.
“Sorry.”
“No,” Aria said, delighted. “Do it again.”
Mulciber struck both fists against the desk.
The room’s arguments collapsed into a pounding rhythm. Avery, Wilkes, Travers and Nott joined him, while the Gryffindors stamped their feet and clapped along.
Pandora stepped between the couples and raised both hands.
“EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”
Snape swept one arm towards Regulus and Aria.
“ROMEO & JULIET!”
Dorcas pointed towards Barty and Briar.
“VERSUS!”
Evan brought both palms down against the teacher’s desk.
“BONNIE & CLYDE!”
Everyone shouted together.
“BEGIN!”
Barty immediately stepped in front of Briar, spread one arm protectively across her and lowered his voice into the broadest drawl yet.
“I’ll handle this, darling, I’m known to fire off some BAR’s.”
He reached inside his robes as if drawing a pistol.
“’Cause if these lovers cross me, they’re gonna end up seeing stars.”
Briar caught his sleeve and pulled him aside.
“I mean I’ll let you go first, but damn sure I’m gettin’ licks in.”
Her sweet expression hardened into a remarkably convincing criminal glare.
She pointed towards Regulus, then Aria.
“On this hissy fittin’ rich kid and this prepubescent vixen.”
Aria’s jaw dropped.
Regulus pressed one offended hand to his chest.
Sirius burst out laughing.
“Hissy-fitting rich kid.”
Regulus turned his head. “You were hiding behind Potter ten minutes ago.”
“That is unrelated.”
Briar looked Aria up and down in character.
“I’m sick of them.”
Barty immediately slipped an arm around Briar’s waist.
“Let’s beat ’em then and we can rob ’em blind.”
He pointed his imaginary gun towards Regulus.
“I’ll stick this punk up from the front.”
Briar spun neatly around him.
“I’ll take this broad from behind.”
Aria raised one eyebrow.
Regulus’s eyes narrowed with excessive Shakespearean offence.
Briar aimed over Barty’s shoulder.
“And pop a cap in the ass of the last Capulet heiress.”
She shifted her target towards Aria.
“Give Miss No Nights In Paris a reason to cry to her parents.”
The classroom erupted.
Mary and Marlene grabbed one another, laughing.
Alice clapped beside Frank, who was shaking his head in amused disbelief. Peter whistled. Fabian and Gideon both repeated the Capulet line under their breath, testing the rhythm.
Remus nodded appreciatively. “The Paris reference works twice.”
Lily smiled. “Paris the character and Paris the city.”
Sirius looked at them. “We have returned to academic analysis.”
“It’s clever,” Lily said.
At the centre, Barty swaggered towards Regulus with his shoulders rolling and his face arranged into an expression of country-boy menace.
“Oh! Romeo, O Romeo, wherefore you tryin’ to flow, yo?”
Regulus stared at him.
Barty came closer.
“Mofo, you soft as a fro-yo.”
James made a strangled noise.
Barty grabbed the loose edge of Regulus’s robes and shook it.
“Are those the drapes or your clothes, bro?”
Sirius slapped both hands against the desk.
“Yes!”
Regulus’s gaze shifted towards him.
Sirius was laughing too hard to care.
Barty released the robes.
“There’s gonna be a tragedy.”
Briar stepped around Aria, her awful Southern accent returning at full strength.
“Make you ache like your balls on the balcony.”
Aria immediately bent double laughing.
Regulus closed his eyes.
James fell against Remus.
Peter went scarlet. Frank stared at the floor, while Alice hid her face against his shoulder. Marlene shouted loud enough to drown out Mary’s cackling.
Barty hooked his thumb towards himself and Briar.
“Barrow Gang put their money where their mouth is.”
The pair moved together, standing back-to-back and aiming imaginary guns towards their opponents.
“Spit sick like a plague on both your houses!”
Lily cheered at once.
Remus struck his palm against the desk. “There it is.”
“The proper Shakespeare reference,” Lily said.
Snape gave an approving nod despite himself.
Barty and Briar finished with their imaginary guns raised.
The room roared.
Briar’s stern criminal expression broke when Barty turned to her with a delighted grin.
“We did brilliantly, darlin’.”
Her accent faltered beneath her laughter. “You sound so stupid.”
“You sound beautiful.”
“I sound exactly like you.”
“Yes. Beautiful.”
Briar shook her head but leaned into him anyway.
Across from them, Regulus turned completely towards Aria.
The noise of the classroom appeared to cease existing for him.
He took both her hands.
His expression softened into extravagant, aching devotion.
“My love, your face is beauty to behold.”
Aria instantly matched him, raising her chin while her fingers tightened around his.
Regulus drew one of her hands against his heart.
“I will protect thine honor from these dust bowl dildos.”
The reverence of his delivery made the insult hit even harder.
The classroom exploded.
Barty looked personally wounded.
Briar doubled over laughing, one hand still tangled in his sleeve.
Sirius stared at his brother.
“You cannot possibly say that while looking that sincere.”
Regulus ignored him.
Aria lifted one hand to Regulus’s face.
“A moment’s break from your gaze is an eternity past.”
Regulus leaned into her palm.
She moved closer until their foreheads nearly touched.
“So together we shall both put these bitches on blast.”
They turned together.
Regulus kept one arm around Aria’s waist while facing Barty and Briar.
He raised his free hand as though drawing a sword.
“En garde, thou artless, beetle-headed flax wench.”
Briar gasped.
Barty stepped protectively in front of her, but Regulus continued.
“The only insult you have thrust upon me is thine stench.”
He fanned the air before his face with his sleeve.
“Why don’t you twist upon these nuts? I hear you’re good with a wrench.”
The classroom shattered into noise.
Evan nearly fell from his desk.
Dorcas clapped one hand over her mouth.
Pandora’s bells rang wildly as she shook with laughter. Mulciber grabbed Avery’s shoulder. Wilkes leaned into Travers, while Nott struck both hands against the windowsill.
Briar stared at Regulus.
“I thought you were the polite one.”
“That was your first mistake,” Sirius said.
Regulus raised his imaginary blade towards Barty and Briar.
“The dismal state of your raps should be a federal offense.”
Aria laughed brightly.
Then she slipped out from beneath his arm and moved towards Briar with a graceful, exaggerated sweep of her robes.
“Haha! And you there, wench with the neck of a chicken.”
Briar touched her neck.
Barty looked scandalised on her behalf.
Aria circled them.
“You’ll get an ass rippin’ worse than your boyfriend’s in prison.”
Barty’s mouth fell open.
Briar’s fake Southern sternness cracked completely.
Aria pointed between the pair.
“You’re not a true romance, you’re just a conjugal visit.”
She stopped in front of Briar.
“Oh, but that’s not even your real husband, now is it?”
The room erupted again.
Barty grabbed Briar’s hand and lifted it defensively.
“She’s my girlfriend.”
“That isn’t a husband,” Dorcas said.
“It’s emotionally equivalent.”
“It isn’t legally equivalent,” Lily replied.
Barty turned towards her. “Why is everyone focusing on technicalities?”
Briar squeezed his hand. “Stay in character.”
Barty straightened.
His atrocious drawl returned.
“Hey partner, you best put a muzzle on your missus.”
Regulus’s expression changed at once.
Sirius saw it and leaned forward.
“Oh, wrong thing to say.”
Barty pointed towards Aria.
“’Fore I teach her how we handle disrespect down in Texas.”
Regulus stepped directly between them.
Aria caught the back of his robes and clung to him, peering around his shoulder with delighted theatrical fear.
Regulus raised his imaginary sword.
“Do you quarrel, sir? Ho, shall I draw my long sword?”
Sirius immediately groaned.
James gripped his shoulder, laughing.
Regulus advanced on Barty.
“Or will you duck your chicken shit ass back into your Ford?”
Barty raised his imaginary gun.
The two stood almost nose to nose, both visibly fighting smiles.
Briar slipped around them and pointed at Regulus.
“How could you beat my man in some mano a mano?”
She turned towards Aria.
“You can’t protect your best friend from some John Leguizamo!”
Remus laughed sharply.
Lily recognised it a second later and clapped. “Tybalt.”
James looked confused. “What?”
“John Leguizamo played Tybalt,” Remus explained.
“In a film,” Lily added.
Sirius looked between them. “You two know far too much.”
Aria swept between Regulus and Barty.
“No, no, my Romeo will beat your beau in contest blow for blow.”
She clung dramatically to Regulus’s arm.
Regulus placed his hand over hers and stared devotedly into her eyes.
Aria turned towards Barty.
“He will do upon thine dick what you hath done upon your toe.”
Everyone shouted at once.
Barty looked down at his feet.
Briar raised her imaginary gun.
A sharp crack escaped her mouth.
Aria jerked.
Her eyes widened.
“Oh! I am killed, what irony is this?”
She pressed both hands to her chest and staggered backwards.
“The lead role shot down by a failed actress.”
Then she dropped.
Regulus caught her halfway down, lowering her dramatically to the floor before falling to his knees beside her.
“Juliet!”
Sirius slapped one hand over his face.
“She’s pretending.”
Regulus glared up at him. “Have some respect for the dead.”
“She’s smiling.”
Aria immediately stopped smiling and went limp.
Regulus gathered her against him.
He rocked once with theatrical grief, staring towards the ceiling as if appealing to the heavens.
“Then I shall kill myself, on my stomach I shall lie.”
He stretched himself out beside Aria with one arm still wrapped around her.
“So you louts can lick my ass, thus with a diss, I die.”
Regulus dropped his face against the stone floor.
The room exploded.
James stood on his chair.
Mary and Marlene screamed with laughter. Alice clung to Frank’s arm, while Frank’s shoulders shook. Peter stared at the two bodies. Fabian and Gideon applauded the deaths as though they had attended a particularly successful play.
Sirius looked down at Regulus.
“That is the stupidest death I have ever seen.”
Regulus remained motionless.
“Regulus.”
No response.
Sirius nudged his brother’s shoe with his own.
Regulus stayed committed.
Aria suddenly sat upright.
“Oops, never mind, my flesh was merely grazed.”
She touched her chest and looked down.
“Where’s Romeo?”
Her gaze landed upon Regulus.
Her face collapsed into horror.
“Oh No-meo! There’s poison on your face!”
Regulus’s shoulders trembled against the floor.
Sirius pointed. “He’s laughing.”
Aria dragged Regulus onto his back and cradled his head in her lap.
She brushed his hair from his forehead, looking genuinely devastated despite the smile fighting at the corners of her mouth.
“Oh, happy dagger, pierce me true, persuade my breath to stop.”
She lifted an imaginary blade above herself.
“Sheath yourself inside my heart and like the beat, I drop.”
Aria plunged the imaginary dagger down.
Then she collapsed across Regulus’s chest.
Regulus immediately wrapped both arms around her, despite supposedly being dead.
Aria tucked her face against his neck.
The pair lay dramatically entwined on the classroom floor.
Sirius stared down at them.
“Dead people do not cuddle.”
Regulus opened one eye. “We perished in love.”
“You died because you waited approximately four seconds.”
“A lifetime without her.”
“It was four seconds.”
Aria lifted her head. “An eternity.”
Sirius threw both hands into the air.
Barty and Briar remained standing above the bodies.
Barty lowered his imaginary pistol and stared.
“Well, that was tragic.”
His Southern accent had somehow become even worse.
Briar looked down at Regulus and Aria.
“That did not go as expected.”
Barty nudged Regulus’s shoe.
“Woulda done that boy some good to just wait a couple seconds.”
Sirius pointed immediately. “Thank you.”
Regulus’s middle finger rose from the floor.
Sirius gasped. “The corpse is rude.”
Briar’s expression softened into exaggerated sorrow.
“It’s kinda sad though, really, so young to have just died.”
Barty turned towards her.
His face became tender.
“Well, at least we got each other.”
Briar looked into his eyes.
“Just Bonnie and—”
A sudden series of fake gunshots erupted from Avery, Mulciber, Wilkes, Travers and Nott.
Barty jerked violently.
Briar spun.
They both stumbled as though bullets were striking from every direction.
Barty grabbed Briar around the waist and tried to shield her.
Briar clung to his shoulders.
They staggered in an enormous, chaotic circle before collapsing beside Regulus and Aria in a heap.
Barty landed partly across Briar’s legs.
Briar shoved him slightly.
“You’re crushing me.”
“Dead,” Barty whispered.
“Move.”
“Still dead.”
She pinched his arm.
Barty yelped and rolled off her.
The classroom fell into a peculiar silence.
All four competitors were lying on the floor.
Regulus and Aria remained wrapped tightly around each other, their faces pressed together in theatrical eternal devotion.
Barty and Briar lay side by side, though Barty had already reached for her hand.
Pandora looked down at the collection of bodies.
“Uh…”
No one answered.
Pandora glanced around.
“Who won?”
“ROMEO AND JULIET!” Sirius shouted before anyone else.
Everyone turned towards him.
Sirius pointed down at his brother. “They need to win so he gets off the floor.”
Regulus opened one eye. “You voted for me.”
“I voted for the end of this performance.”
“Still counts.”
Aria sat up triumphantly while remaining across Regulus’s chest.
Regulus rose with her, one arm still around her waist.
Briar pushed herself upright and began clapping for them.
“You were both ridiculous.”
Aria bowed from the floor. “Thank you.”
Barty sat up beside Briar. “We were criminals.”
“You had the worst accent I have ever heard,” Evan said.
Barty looked at Briar. “Did you like it?”
Briar smiled. “Unfortunately.”
He brightened immediately.
Lily and Remus were both clapping for Regulus and Aria.
“The Shakespeare references decided it,” Lily said.
Remus nodded. “And the deaths.”
“The plague line was good,” Peter said.
“That was ours,” Barty replied.
Peter lowered his hands uncertainly.
“But they did the balcony,” Alice said.
“And the dagger,” Frank added.
Mary pointed at Aria. “She died twice.”
Marlene nodded. “Commitment.”
Fabian and Gideon began chanting, “No-meo! No-meo!”
James joined them at once.
Regulus covered his face with one hand.
Aria hugged him more tightly. “I liked that bit.”
Sirius grinned at his brother. “Oh, No-meo.”
“Be silent.”
“You perished in love.”
“Your Marilyn lost.”
Sirius’s smile vanished.
“That is unrelated.”
Dorcas raised Regulus’s hand.
Pandora raised Aria’s.
Evan clapped for them, while Snape gave an approving inclination of his head. Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, Travers and Nott added their voices to the rest of the room.
“ROMEO AND JULIET!”
Barty accepted the result with a dramatic sigh and leaned against Briar.
“We have been defeated, darlin’.”
Briar stroked his hair. “Please stop doing the accent.”
“Anything for you.”
Pandora looked around the packed classroom.
“Who’s next?”
Everyone began shouting at once.
Barty offered three names.
Aria volunteered immediately.
Wilkes complained immediately.
James tried to volunteer for another group despite not knowing what the roles were.
Sirius and Regulus resumed arguing over whether dead lovers were allowed to cuddle.
Pandora raised her voice over all of them.
“You decide!”
The desks thundered.
The couples climbed fully to their feet, though Regulus and Aria remained entwined and Barty refused to release Briar’s hand.
Together, the entire classroom shouted, “Epic Rap… BATTLES OF HISTORY!”