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Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov sat across from a rather ugly man.
“…I am offering the only option that will save both of your careers and the reputation of this league,” The Ugly Man was saying. “If you post your own statement and start flaunting your relationship then you will obliterate your legacies. You’ll be jokes. Choose wisely.” The Ugly Man, who turns out to be Commissioner Roger Crowell, had just used four (4) sentences in what could have simply been voiced as, ‘Here is a load of bullshit coming from my smelly-ass mouth.’
The (far more) handsomer pair of men sitting on the opposing end of the desk breathed heavily.
“I choose him. Come on, Ilya.” Shane stood with his fiance and strode to the door.
There is a pause.
“You see?” Crowell whispers in a way that is reminiscent of villainous witches in animated films. “You have no choice.”
Hanging from the door and holding it closed was a Squire Stronghold SS100CS LEV5.
“Is that a Squire Stronghold SS100CS LEV5?” Shane’s attractive voice shook with disbelief and fear.
“The strongest lock in the world,” Ilya added unhelpfully, yet also handsomely.
“You have no choice,” Roger Crowell repeated stupidly, unhelpfully, and unattractively. Shane and Ilya wrinkled their noses at the stench of Crowell’s smelly-ass breath.
“Wow, you should really take a breath mint for your smelly-ass breath,” Shane said smartly. “Also, this is a hostage situation.”
“Exactly. So you either comply, or you’re stuck here. With me.”
“That sounds kind of ga—“ Ilya’s clever remark was interrupted by the sound of the wooden door splintering and the Squire Stronghold SS100CS LEV5 breaking gay down the middle.
Commissioner Roger Crowell, in addition to being stupid, unhelpful, and unattractive, also had very slow reaction time, and so went on to turn red in fury instead of addressing the noise, though not in a cute, angry kitten, moy pomidor way, just in an ugly angry homophobic old man way.
“I am nothing like you fa—“ Crowell’s use of a homophobic slur was cut off by Gritty, who had broken down the door and Squire Stronghold SS100CS LEV5 and now had his furry orange knee shoved in between Roger Crowell’s legs.
Crowell screamed in pain and fell to the floor, holding his crotch with both hands and writhing around, like a pest that had finally been stomped on. This was also an unattractive sight, but a much preferred one by the rest of the people in the room, who cheered and celebrated.
“THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET, MOTHERFUCKER!” Shane and Ilya yelled at his face below while Gritty simultaneously squeaked the same in his own language. They all high-fived and left the room together, but not before dropping the broken Squire Stronghold SS100CS LEV5 on Crowell’s head. Unintelligence rolled off his body in waves.
Scott Hunter, a random one (1) time winner of the Stanley Cup, stood in front of the doorway.
“Woah, is that a Squire Stronghold SS100CS LEV5 on Commissioner Roger Crowell’s head? Also, congrats on being gay.”
“Thanks,” said Shane.
“I am bi, actually,” Ilya corrected him.
“Nice!” Exclaimed Nick Nelson, who happened to be passing by.
Ilya nodded to him in acknowledgment.
“Hi, Gritty,” Scott greeted the orange mascot. Gritty squeaked in reply and explanation.
“You kneed Commissioner Roger Crowell in the nuts?” Scott Hunter raised his voice and turned towards the room. “THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET, MOTHERFUCKER!”
Crowell’s groans could still be heard, so the four (4) began to walk away together. Hayden Pike, an average-looking and unassuming man who happened to be the father of four (4) children, bumped into them and repeatedly apologized, before realizing that it was Shane and Ilya he had bumped into, and so then proceeded to apologize even harder. Ilya slapped him to make him stop, but also because he just wanted to slap Hayden Pike.
“Ow!” Hayden said, holding his cheek.
“Sorry,” Ilya smirked, implying he was not sorry at all.
“Hi, Hayden,” Shane said Canadianly.
“Hi, Shane,” Hayden also replied Canadianly, albeit with more guilt. “Sorry again.”
Ilya slapped him again.
“By the way,” Shane began, “We’re getting gay married this summer. We’ll send out invitations to you guys.”
“Cool,” Said Hayden Pike and Scott Hunter. Gritty squeaked.
The End.