Chapter Text
Fade-in to INT. A LONG DARK TUNNEL AT CASTLE BLACK
We see the Black Brothers WILL, GARED and SER WAYMAR ROYCE riding through it.
SER WAYMAR ROYCE
Just for the record, I was much prettier in the books.
Cut to EXT. A WINTERY LANDSCAPE WITH A VERY IMPRESSIVE CGI WALL AND A FOREST RESEMBLING THE AFTERMATH OF AN IBIZA FOAM PARTY - DAY
After riding for approximately half a minute, they arrive at a WILDLING CAMP. Will walks off to check out some CREEPY SHIT as indicated by the OMINOUS MUSIC. There body parts strewn all over the polystyrene snow, as well as a WEIRD DOLL hanging from a tree.
WILL
How very dare they perform satanic rituals within earshot of the Wall? I must go tell my brethren.
SER WAYMAR ROYCE
Wildlings are dumb as shit, who knows why they do anything?
GARED
We should return to the Wall. We've already been out here for two or three minutes and it's getting a bit nippy.
WILL
I agree.
SER WAYMAR ROYCE
As someone who will die within the next few seconds, it's my duty to inform you and the viewers that if you run away, Ned Stark will hunt you down, and he will find you, and he will kill you.
WILL
Yeah, I'll take my chances.
An OTHER appears behind Ser Waymar Royce
THE OTHER
Choo choo motherfuckers!
Cut to A VERY IMPRESSIVE INTRO, SHOWING THE VARIOUS LOCATIONS FEATURED IN TONIGHT'S EPISODE, A FACT LOST ON MANY UNTIL THE MIDDLE OF SEASON TWO OR THEREABOUTS
Fade-in to EXT. THE CLOSING SCENE OF MONTY PYTHON AND THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL - DAY
A host of riders are chasing Will down, forming a Riders-of-Rohan-esque ring about him.
WILL
And here I was, thinking myself lucky to have survived instead of Gared.
Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL - DAY
BRAN is practicing his archery while JON SNOW, ROBB, RICKON, EDDARD and CATELYN STARK are all watching.
JON
Go on, shoot. Everyone's waiting. No pressure, though. Oh look, you missed. LOL.
EDDARD
I'll just conveniently use this opportunity to age you all up a couple of years.
ARYA appears and establishes herself as the STARK WILD CHILD by hitting the bullseye from way behind Bran
Enter SER RODRIK CASSEL and THEON GREYJOY
SER RODRIK CASSEL
We've caught a deserter from the opening scene.
THEON GREYJOY
You're going to be confused about my ties with this family for most of this season.
EDDARD
I'm taking Bran to the beheading.
CATELYN
But my precious baby boy!
EDDARD
It's time he learned about duty. Winter Is Coming.
CATELYN
You what?
Catelyn proceeds to glare at Jon Snow for no particular reason.
JON
You realise that at this point, everyone reckons I'm your son?
Cut to EXT. A TYPICAL IRISH SUMMER'S DAY
Will is about to get beheaded while the Stark kids are watching.
EDDARD
I thought you'd be older.
WILL
Yeah, the script writers felt that the viewers might sympathise more with a younger character. Oh, and I should mention there's zombies beyond the Wall.
EDDARD
Look, half the viewers have already forgotten who you are, so let's just get on with it. It's my duty.
BRAN
My dad has one of the biggest swords in the Seven Kingdoms, what does your da…Oh YUCK!
EDDARD
It was my duty to do it. Remember the duty, my son.
BRAN
He said something about zombies.
EDDARD
Are you even listening, Bran? The duty!
Cut to EXT. A FOREST SCENE WITH HEAPS OF FORESHADOWING
The party come across a dead STAG and a dead DIREWOLF with PUPPIES
THEON
It's a freak!
EDDARD
No, look, the Stag is Robert and the Direwolf is me and… Ah, what the hell, most book fans didn't even spot this on their second reading, let's not waste time explaining it.
BRAN
I want a puppy!
THEON
I want to kill a puppy.
JON
Listen to the adorable way I say "pups", it sounds like "pops". I can hear the American fangirls squealing already.
ROBB
Let's have a conversation which will confuse the viewers even more about who's actually family here.
Cut to INT. THE RED KEEP, KING'S LANDING
JON ARRYN is lying on a slab in the throne room. JAIME and CERSEI LANNISTER are watching form the sidelines as some SILENT SISTERS perform some GENERIC FUNERAL RITUALS.
JON ARRYN
Well, I already have a bigger part than in the books!
SILENT SISTER
You're dead.
JON ARRYN
Damn it! Wait, did you just say that out loud?
CERSEI
Jaime, I want you to replace Jon Arryn as Hand of the King.
JAIME
No can do, I just signed a two-year contract with Wella.
Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL, THE GODSWOOD - DAY
Eddard is cleaning his sword, ICE. Enter Catelyn.
EDDARD
Oh, Ice, how I love you…
ICE
Yeah baby, right there, that hits the spot.
CATELYN
Am I interrupting something? I have dreadful news, my lord. Jon Arryn is dead. And the King and all the Lannisters are coming here.
EDDARD
Well, fuck.
CATELYN
Do women here really call their husbands 'my lord'? Good grief.
Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, THE BARBERSHOP
Robb, Theon and Jon are all standing around with their shirts off, to ensure viewers know they're watching HBO.
JON
Look at my abs in all their glory.
THEON
And mine. Robb, why are your arms crossed?
ROBB
I was a last minute casting and didn't have several months to prepare in the gym for Winter 2011 like you guys.
Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL COURTYARD - DAY
The Starks are all lined up to receive KING ROBERT and his entourage. Arya is sitting outside the castle in a WAGON, looking long and hard at THE HOUND who is also being looked at long and hard by the SANSAN SHIPPERS.
THE HOUND
I really wish my helmet wouldn't do this silly flop thing when I'm riding.
CATELYN, to SANSA STARK
Where is your sister?
SANSA
Don't know, don't care.
Enter JOFFREY BASTARDEON - sorry BARATHEON and The Hound
SANSA
Oh, he's so pretty!
ROBB
What, that little shit?
SANSA
Not him, silly.
KING ROBERT
Help, help, I'm too fat to get off my horse.
EDDARD
Boy, you really have let yourself go.
ARYA
Sansa, let's establish some tension between us.
SANSA
Shut. The fuck. Up.
ARYA
Mission accomplished!
CERSEI
I can smell something rotting. Oh, sorry, it's Lyanna Stark, isn't it?
Cut to EXT. WINTER TOWN - DAY
Jaime walks through the village and into a BROTHEL where he finds TYRION LANNISTER in bed with ROS
ROS
The book readers don't know it yet, but they'll soon love to hate me.
JAIME
Be a good dwarf and come say hi to the northerners.
TYRION
I'm a bit busy.
JAIME
By the way, I've brought the viewers some more tits. Come along now, girls, line up nicely for the camera.
TYRION
Your accent needs some work, brother. Listen and learn from the master.
Cut to INT. THE CRYPTS OF WINTERFELL
Robert and Eddard are paying respects to LYANNA STARK'S GRAVE
ROBERT
She should have been my queen.
EDDARD
I'm kinda glad she wasn't.
ROBERT
She deserves better than a cold crypt.
EDDARD
She knew you were a cheating drunkard, she would have had a terrible life with you.
ROBERT
Cersei can never compare to her.
EDDARD
Are you even listening?
ROBERT
I think Joffrey and Sansa should get married.
EDDARD
Wat.
ROBERT
We should probably say something about the Targaryens so that the next scene will make sense to people
Cut to INT. ILLYRIO'S MANSE IN PENTOS, WHICH WE WON'T SEE AGAIN FOR ANOTHER FIVE SEASONS
DAENERYS TARGARYEN is standing by a BATH TUB made entirely out of LEGO BRICKS. VISERYS TARGARYEN enters holding a DRESS resembling a DISHCLOTH.
VISERYS
This is your wedding gown. Feel the fabric. Also, let me feel your boobs.
DAENERYS
I don't know what I expected. Oh, look, the water's boiling, time for a bath!
Cut to EXT. OUTSIDE ILLYRIO'S MANSE - DAY
The Targaryens and ILLYRIO are awaiting Dany's future husband.
VISERYS
Have you lost weight, Illyrio?
ILLYRIO
Yeah, I've been working out. I can do a 10k in under an hour now.
VISERYS
Nice.
Enter KHAL DROGO and his BLOODRIDERS
VISERYS
Look at his hair. The Dothraki only cut it when they're defeated in battle. Khal Drogo has never been defeated.
DAENERYS
Wouldn't he be, like, dead if he had been?
VISERYS
Don't bring logic into this.
BLOODRIDER
Mm, dat ass.
KHAL DROGO
She'll do.
BLOODRIDER
Dat ass, though.
DAENERYS
I don't want to marry him.
VISERYS
It's him or me.
DAENERYS
Wait, I've… I've changed my mind.
Cut to INT. WINTERFELL
Catelyn and Sansa are preparing for the WELCOMING FEAST.
SANSA
Do you think the Hound will like me?
CATELYN
Who?
SANSA
Joffrey. I meant Joffrey.
CATELYN
Joffrey's a little shit, can you not tell?
SANSA
Can I marry him now, or do I have to wait? I want to be just like Queen Cersei.
CATELYN
Perhaps he's right for you after all.
Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, THE WELCOMING FEAST
Various shots of different types of meats, platters of food, and ale being quaffed while King Robert feels up anything in a skirt.
GEORGE R R MARTIN
Finally we get some decent establishing shots of FOOD!
CATELYN
Doesn't that bother you?
CERSEI
In terms of inappropriate relationships, he's got nothing on me.
Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL COURTYARD - NIGHT
Jon Snow is demolishing a SACK OF GRAINS as BENJEN STARK appears.
BENJEN
This is as good a time as any to explain to everyone that you're a bastard, Jon.
JON
My step mum hates me. She won't let me sit at the table for grown ups. I'm going to run away with you to Castle Black just to spite her!
BENJEN
You're still a virgin. Trust me, you don't want your first time to be with Ser Alliser Thorne while you're bending over to gravel the Wall. Right, time for me to join the party, being a trueborn Stark and all. Ta-ta.
TYRION
Your uncle is in the Night's Watch.
JON
I know.
TYRION
I know that you know. I'm just explaining it to everyone else.
JON
How long have you been checking me out from back there?
TYRION
Yeah, sorry, with all the crying on Benjen's shoulder I thought you were one of the girls.
JON
You're Tyrion Lannister.
TYRION
I know.
JON
OK, let's not do this again.
TYRION
Wait, we need to seemingly talk more about how you're a bastard while we in actual fact talk more about me.
JON
You know nothing, Tyrion Lannister.
YGRITTE
Wait, what?
Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, THE FEAST
BENJEN
Winter is coming.
EDDARD
Winter is coming, LOL.
CERSEI
This is some kind of in-joke I'm not getting, right?
CATELYN
I know, it drives me up the walls.
CERSEI
Oh, here is Sansa, our little dove. Tell me girl, have you had your period yet?
SANSA
I'm only eleven!
CATELYN
Actually, you're thirteen. They've aged everyone two years, except for me.
CERSEI
Yeah, more like ten years for you.
SANSA
Oh, burrrn.
JAIME
We must have a tournament to celebrate you becoming the Hand, Ned. I want to fight you so bad.
EDDARD
I don't want to give my secrets away in case I have to kill you someday.
JAIME
Bah, I could kill you with my right arm tied behind my back.
EDDARD
Careful what you wish for.
Cut to INT. WINTERFELL, CATELYN AND NED'S CHAMBERS
Eddard and Catelyn are reading each others' lines from the book when MAESTER LUWIN enters with a letter for Catelyn.
CATELYN
It's from Lysa. She's talking about the pros of attachment parenting again.
EDDARD
Anything else?
CATELYN
There's a bit here about nipple sores… Oh, and she says the Lannisters murdered Jon Arryn.
MAESTER LUWIN
Sounds like a good job opening to me. I would definitely go for it.
Cut to EXT. PENTOS, DANY'S AND DROGO'S WEDDING FEAST - DAY
Plenyt of shots of flies buzzing around food, Dothraki dry-humping each other and slitting each other's throats. People are bringing the happy couple WEDDING GIFTS of all sorts, including HUNGRY LOOKING SNAKES.
MAN PICKING UP SNAKES TO SHOW DANY AND DROGO
I immediately regret this decision.
VISERYS
I want my army!
ILLYRIO
I wouldn't press the point just now.
Enter SER JORAH MORMONT
JORAH
I couldn't think of anything good, so I got you some books, sorry.
DAENERYS
Yeah, I read these ones already… Did you keep the receipt?
ILLYRIO
I couldn't think of anything either, so I got you some dragon's eggs.
DAENERYS
Oooh, shiny!
JORAH
Bloody show-off.
KHAL DROGO
I got you a horse.
JORAH
All right, all right, keep rubbing it in.
Cut to EXT. PENTOS, A CLIFF BY THE OCEAN - EVENING
Daenerys and Khal Drogo are about to get it on. Dany sobs.
KHAL DROGO
No.
DAENERYS
Do you know the Common Tongue?
KHAL DROGO
No.
DAENERYS
Is "no" the only word you know?
KHAL DROGO
No.
DAENERYS
You're having a laugh.
KHAL DROGO
I can do this all night.
Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL - DAY
Tyrion and The Hound are watching the King getting ready for a hunt.
TYRION
I'll miss the redhead when I go to the Wall.
THE HOUND
She's a sweet little thing all right. A bit young though, don't you think?
TYRION
She seemed experienced enough.
THE HOUND
Why you little… Wait, are we talking about the same person here?
ROBERT
Thanks for agreeing to wipe my arse for me, Ned.
EDDARD
Given the combined track record of survival for Hands and Sean Bean, you're making a poor choice.
BRAN
Bye dad.
EDDARD
Bye Bran.
BRAN
No, really. Bye.
Cut to EXT. WINTERFELL - DAY
Bran is practicing his parkour skills all over Winterfell, eventually climbing a TOWER where he spies Jaime and Cersei indulging in some KINKY FUCKERY.
BRAN
That looks mildly uncomfortable.
CERSEI
He saw us!
JAIME
How old are you boy?
BRAN
How old are you, still playing come-into-my-castle?
JAIME
The things I do for kinky fuckery.