Chapter Text
I hate how loud my heart is.
It’s pounding again, even though the training is over and the sun is already dipping behind the mountains. I’m sitting on the engawa of the Serpent Estate, knees pulled tight to my chest, trying to breathe quietly so no one hears me. Obanai-sama is inside, probably sharpening Kaburamaru’s fangs or whatever he does when he’s not yelling at me to stop being a coward.
Everyone else is probably happy right now.
Tanjiro is with Kanao. I know he is. I saw them earlier today during the joint training session, the way he smiled at her when she finally spoke more than three words. That soft, warm smile. The one that makes his eyes crinkle and his hanafuda earrings sway. The same smile he gives me sometimes, except it’s different with her. It’s deeper. Real.
And I’m just… here. Yellow. Shaking. Wanting something I’m not allowed to want.
Why does everyone else make it look so easy? Inosuke’s always yelling about fighting stronger opponents, but I’ve seen the way he looks at girls in the villages we pass through — all puffed up and proud, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Tanjiro talks about marrying a kind girl one day, someone who can smile like his mother did. Even the girls in the Corps blush and giggle when boys walk by.
But me?
I close my eyes and all I see is Tanjiro’s hands. The way his fingers wrapped around mine when he pulled me out of that last demon fight. How warm his back felt when I hid behind him like the pathetic weakling I am. The sound of his voice saying my name, Zenitsu, like it actually mattered.
My stomach twists so hard I feel sick.
Boys aren’t supposed to feel this. Not like this. Not the way my whole body burns when I think about leaning in closer, about what it would feel like if he looked at me the same way he looks at Kanao. I’ve tried so hard to like girls. I really have. I tell myself over and over that I should find one who’s gentle and pretty and quiet. But every time I try, it feels like wearing clothes that don’t fit. Fake. Wrong.
I’m disgusting.
The worst part is that I know what people would say if they found out. I’ve heard the older slayers laughing around the fire after missions. “Real men don’t act like that.” “No wonder that kid’s so weak — probably spends more time thinking about other boys than swinging a sword.” They spit on the ground like the words themselves are poison. And the worst thing? Part of me believes them. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared all the time. Maybe the demons can smell it on me — this rotten, twisted thing inside my chest.
I press my forehead against my knees harder. My hands are shaking. If Obanai-sama sees me like this, he’ll probably make me run laps until I throw up. He’s strict, but… he’s not cruel. Not like some of the others. Still, I can’t tell him. I can’t tell anyone.
“Agatsuma.”
I jump so violently that I nearly fall off the engawa. Obanai-sama is standing there, arms crossed, his snake coiled around his neck like always. His eyes, one yellow, one turquoise, are staring straight through me.
“You’ve been useless in training for three days straight,” he says flatly. “Explain.”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out except a pathetic squeak. How do I even start? Obanai-sama, I think I’m in love with a boy. And not just any boy, Tanjiro Kamado, who’s clearly in love with Kanao. And I want to die every time I see them together because it hurts worse than any demon claw.
“I… I’m sorry, Sensei,” I whisper instead, voice cracking. “I’ll try harder tomorrow. I promise.”
He doesn’t move. For a second, I think he’s going to yell, but he just sighs. A long, tired sound.
“Whatever is eating at you… if it’s going to get you killed on the next mission, I need to know.” His voice is quieter than usual. “The Corps doesn’t care about your personal problems. But I expect my Tsuguko to at least try to stay alive.”
He turns and walks back inside without another word.
I stay there until the sky goes completely dark, tears soaking into my uniform sleeves. Everyone around me gets to love who they’re supposed to love. Boys love girls. Girls love boys. Simple. Normal.
I’m the only one who’s broken like this.
And the worst part is… I don’t think I can stop loving Tanjiro even if I tried.