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Gon wasn’t sure how this had all started.
After spending years together travelling and going on adventures they had finally found a moment's peace. Settling, if you will, staying in a less than ritzy hotel suite for the last 2 months. It was easier than finding a place to live, and they had the money. They had more money than they could ever dream of spending.
What had started out as a room with 2 beds had eventually transformed into what Killua liked to call the “super bed”. In which they had smooshed the 2 queen sized beds together to create the biggest romping area in history.
Killua had started out enthusiastic enough, eager even, when handholding and gentle looks had turned into fervent make-out sessions under the covers. But once Gon had brought up the idea of possibly taking things to the next level, he backed down.
Maybe Killua was just shy? He seemed to have no issue stripping off Gon’s clothing though, gently tearing away his shorts and running his hands all over Gon’s body. He seemed like a person possessed, nipping and biting all the way up Gon’s belly, with a look in his eyes that was hungry.
But he never took off his own clothes. And he never let Gon touch him back.
Of course at 16 years old Gon wasn’t going to complain about the amount of impromptu blowjobs he was getting, but he still didn’t feel right. Something was off. And he was itching to give back to Killua. He loved him, after all.
*
Killua was laying on the couch, lazily flipping through the few channels the hotel had to offer, his other hand buried deeply into a bag of potato chips. Gon came and sat next to him, pushing Killua's feet back a bit to make room for himself, before laying his legs across his lap. Killua said nothing, sparing Gon a barely there glance before continuing his search for a show to watch. Gon sat back against the couch cushions, slowly beginning to run his fingers along the bottom of one of Killua’s bare feet. Again, Killua looked over, but said nothing.
“Whatcha doing?” Gon finally asked, now holding one of Killua's feet completely hostage in his own hands, massaging and rubbing it with skill.
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m watching television,” Killua responded, shoving a handful of chips in his mouth. “The real question is what are YOU doing to my foot?”
“Making Killua feel good!”
Killua kicked at Gon’s hand at the revelation, quickly drawing both of his legs up to his own body, similar to the fetal position. Gon looked defeated as Killua stared at him with wide eyes. Neither of them said anything for a moment.
“You, you can’t just say shit like that!” Killua reasoned, red in the face, his bag of chips forgotten and thrown to the floor.
“Sorry,” Gon apologized, looking even more downtrodden than before.
“It’s alright… I just, wasn’t expecting it is all… here, you can rub my foot if you want to you weirdo,” Killua conceded, slowly stretching himself back out, his legs resting over Gon’s lap.
Gon happily began his movements once again, sliding his large calloused hands over Killua’s toes. Killua sat frozen, watching Gon, the only reaction on his face a light flush. Gon concentrated on his task, his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth as he worked, determined to get SOME sort of response from Killua. But he remained quiet, only staring at what was happening to the lower part of his legs.
So the dark haired boy switched gears, he began tickling the sole of Killua’s foot, expecting the young ex-assassin to erupt into laughter, but still, nothing. Gon pouted then, and turned his face towards his friend (boyfriend?). They had never put their relationship into words.
“Killuuuuuaaaa, is this doing anything for you at all?” he drawled, frustration barely masked by the cuteness of his tone. Killua met his eyes, a pained expression on his face, embarrassment also highlighted on his cheeks.
“What… is it supposed to feel like?”
“Killua doesn’t know what a tickle feels like?!” Gon shouted, pushing Killua’s knees back up to his body, and crawling over top of his friend, both arms pinning the other boy to the couch. The blonde swallowed, a look of confusion on his face as Gon towered over him. Without warning Gon began tickling all over Killua’s ribs and stomach, and to his surprise Killua didn’t laugh, not once, only looked incredibly panicked before he extended his knees which were resting against Gon’s chest, then used his feet to launch Gon backwards over the arm of the couch.
Gon tumbled onto the floor with a thump. He wasn’t hurt, but his pride felt bruised. Why wouldn’t Killua let him touch him? Why was Killua acting like he’d never been touched before? Or rather, as if he couldn’t feel the touch?
“Fuck! Are you okay?!” Killua yelled, scrambling to peer over the side of the couch, regret all over his face. “I’m so fucking sorry, man! I don’t know why I did that!” He reached down and Gon gratefully accepted the offered help. Hoisted back up on the couch the boys sat next to each other now, both looking ashamed.
“Can we start over?” Gon pleaded, and Killua gave him a long look before slowly laying back down, looking incredibly apprehensive, not relaxed in the slightest. Gon frowned as he nestled himself at the other end of the couch, facing Killua’s slightly bent legs. The younger boy had folded his arms over his stomach now, looking uncomfortable and miserable, and Gon’s heart bled at the scene.
“Just relax please? I want you to just close your eyes, I’ll be gentle,” Gon promised, once again picking up a bare foot. Killua nodded slowly, before slipping his eyes shut, his body language still less than inviting, but Gon would take what he could get for now. He pressed the pads of his thumbs a bit roughly into the arch of Killua’s foot, and began rubbing once again. He then gingerly grabbed the other foot as well, working both of them in his hands, just the act of doing this for Killua alone was getting Gon worked up.
The boy beneath him seemed to be relaxing, his eyebrows were no longer scrunched up in discomfort, a peaceful look on his face. Gon smiled. He said a silent prayer before making his next move, hoping Killua wouldn't kick him square in the face.
Gon lifted one toe up to his mouth before extending his tongue and running it up and down, before putting the digit completely in his mouth.
Killua’s eyes shot open at once, giving Gon the most ‘what the fuck?!’ look he could muster. But Gon continued, shooting Killua what he hoped to be bedroom eyes before continuing, flattening his tongue and running it the entire length of Killua’s foot.
“Gon, what the hell are you up to now?” Killua whispered, his voice seeming to be caught in his throat.
“C’mon Killua, you always do super nice things for me, let me return the favor?” Gon begged.
“Is that what all this is about?” Killua asked, once again pulling his legs from Gon’s grasp. He sat up, tucking them cross legged underneath himself, before sending Gon a sorry look.
Gon sighed, “You’re not even turned on at all are you?” He sent a meaningful look towards Killua’s shorts before the younger man quickly placed his hands in his lap.
“Of course not! I didn’t ask you to suck on my toes!” Killua shouted, before looking sorry once again, realizing he had completely crushed Gon’s spirit. “I mean, I’m sorry, that sort of thing just doesn’t do it for me. My… nerves are kind of messed up you know, from the electricity.”
“Do you not find me attractive, Killua?” Gon asked suddenly, tears welling up in his eyes.
“What?! That’s crazy talk, of course I do! You're very attractive to me!”
“Then let me touch you! Please, I’m begging!” Big wet tears were now falling from Gon’s large brown eyes, dropping slowly to the couch beneath them. Killua couldn’t stand the sight of it.
“St-stop crying! C’mon now, you’re being ridiculous!”
“Am I?! Is it ridiculous that you have no problems touching me almost every single night, making me feel incredible, and the moment I try to return the favor you push me away! You won’t even take off your shirt! Do you think I can’t make you feel good too, or does the thought of me touching you disgust you?!” Gon broke into a sob, punching the back of the couch hard enough to rattle the wall. Killua stared at him with wide eyes, not knowing what to say or how to console him.
“It’s… none of those things at all, please Gon, believe me,” the blonde whispered, gently trying to wipe the tears from Gon’s face. Gon nuzzled his head in Killua’s hands, craving his touch. “There’s nothing wrong with you at all, I promise, it’s all me. I’m the one who’s broken.”
Gon moved forward to wrap his arms around Killua’s waist and buried his face in his chest, leaving streaks of tears across Killua’s loose fitting turtleneck. Killua gingerly returned the hug, smoothing down Gon’s hair with his hands, and resting his face on the top of his head.
“Let’s go lay in the super bed,” Killua suggested, giving Gon a comforting squeeze.
***
The boys laid there, silently enjoying the company of one another, laying on their backs, facing the ceiling, hands intertwined. Killua was stewing in his own guilt and regret, while Gon was wondering what in the hell Killua meant by saying he was “broken”. Neither one dared to voice what they were thinking though, after the explosive episode in the small living area. Killua finally turned on his side to face Gon, a determined look on his face.
“Come here please,” he said softly, opening his arms in invitation for the dark haired boy to snuggle close. Gon didn’t waste any time in returning the embrace.
“I like this,” Killua admitted, almost as if he was speaking to himself and not the other young man in the room. “Let’s, uh, start over, as you said earlier.” Gon lifted his head up to ask Killua what he meant by that when two soft lips were on his own, and he melted instantly into the sensation. It didn’t take long for Gon to be completely immersed into the kisses, running his hands lightly through Killua’s soft hair, moaning when Killua opened his mouth to let him slip his tongue inside.
Killua’s hands were wandering as well, pale fingers, expertly dancing across the exposed skin of Gon’s waist, slowly waltzing their way underneath the thin fabric of Gon’s t-shirt. Gon gasped, Killua’s hands were always a cold temperature, no matter the weather it seemed. They felt incredible against Gon’s heated flesh.
Killua took advantage of Gon’s gasping to assert his dominance, pushing his own tongue roughly into Gon’s mouth, before pulling back and lightly biting at his lip.
“God, Killua,” Gon moaned, finding it harder and harder to control his breathing. His hands pulling at Killua’s soft hair much harder than he had intended. Now it was Killua’s turn to gasp, and Gon’s eyes shot open, the sound of Killua’s pleasure foreign to his ears.
“Whoa, didja like that?” Gon asked excitedly, and Killua looked a bit embarrassed in return, looking ready to bolt any minute. “Hey! That’s good right, let’s try again!” Gon tugged again at Killua’s hair, but now that he was aware of his actions, it was much less rough, and Killua just made a meek smile in return. Killua once again shut Gon up with his mouth, and began kissing him with intensity, hands roughly grabbing at the hem of Gon’s shirt. The older boy got the message and ripped his top off in an instant, glad for the cool air to be hitting his overheated body. Gon’s mind was too clouded by pleasure at this point to realize he had fallen once again into Killua’s manipulation, turning everything on Gon, and not leaving room for himself to be touched.
Once Gon’s shirt had been discarded Killua made quick work of shoving Gon to the bed and sliding down his shorts, Gon’s legs working to help, throwing another piece of clothing towards the end of the bed. Killua grabbed both of Gon’s wrists and pinned them above his head with a tight grip, his other hand beginning to work on one nipple while his mouth found the other. Gon wiggled and vibrated excitedly beneath him, the only thing covering his body now was his much too tight boxers.
“Agh, Killua, why don’t you just, fuck me okay?! I’m ready! You can do it, I trust you!” Gon shouted between moans and gasps, and Killua stopped his ministrations immediately.
“Killua?”
“Gon, I…”
“Damnit! You still can’t get it up can you?”
Killua’s face went 10 shades of red before he jumped off the bed and left the room, leaving Gon horny and confused.
“Crap.”
*
After Gon spent a good 10 minutes thinking of sad puppies to get rid of his awkward boner he did attempt to get Killua to come out of the bathroom. No luck of course. The boy had locked it tightly and Gon could still hear quiet sniffling if he put his ear up to the door. He felt like a total jackass. And that fear of feeling inadequate and unattractive was still bubbling towards the surface of his mind. He just didn’t get it.
Killua did seem to be into getting handsy with him, so long as he was the one doing the handling. His mind worked over every instance of intimacy they had shared that he could remember, and it was alarming realizing every one of those times Gon had been on the receiving end. So maybe Killua really did find Gon handsome, why else would he have instigated all of those moments? Which in the end just left that one question on Gon’s mind, why? Why couldn’t Killua join in on the fun? There had to be a reason. Gon just wished Killua would be open with him.
*
Killua had been sitting in the bathroom for over an hour now, and every time he thought all of his tears had dried up another bout of sobs would come on, leaving him desperate to stifle the noise in a space with such great acoustics. Killua had been biting his hand so hard it was drawing blood, and all he could think about was how he had let Gon down.
He adored Gon. Gon was everything in this world that made him believe he wanted to still be alive, the spark to his fire, the light at the end of his tunnel, and any other sappy cliche he could possibly think of. But there was still darkness inside of him that he just couldn’t share with his best friend, the love of his life.
The truth was, Killua was perfectly capable of having sex. Perfectly able to do the things Gon wanted to do with him. The problem was the only way Killua really could feel anything was if he was in a good amount of pain. And he just couldn’t ask Gon to do that. Being tortured for most of his life had really done a number on Killua’s emotional health, and he had discovered that for some reason pain was a huge turn on for him. Nothing else seemed to be able to do it at all. It was embarrassing, and annoying, and he was hoping that Gon never ever found out. But now that they had this somewhat intimate relationship with each other, it was getting harder and harder to hide.
Another choked sob wracked his body and this time he didn’t even bother trying to muffle it. What was the point?
Gon immediately began knocking on the door again, begging Killua to come out, throwing apologies at the closed door like they could float through the wood and heal him. He could easily knock the thing down if he truly wanted to. 2 inches of wood was nothing to Gon or Killua, but he wouldn’t, and Killua knew that.
“Go away! Just leave me alone for a while!” Killua called in the bravest voice he could muster, thick and waterlogged by his tears. His head was starting to hurt from the loss of water. He began to debate taking a shower and started to rise from the floor when something fell out of his pocket. He heard the door to the suite slam and he knew Gon had left. He was all alone now.
Killua stood up, picking up the small pocketknife he had dropped as he rose.
He stared at it, small in his hand, but powerful in its own right. He hated what he knew he was about to do. And did almost every night after Gon was sound asleep after messing around. But if this was the only way…
Killua dug around in the medicine cabinet and pulled out some rubbing alcohol, along with a lighter he had hidden there. Next, he stripped off his turtleneck, revealing a pale body completely riddled and covered in scars. Most old, some very new, some not even close to healed yet. His pale skin was so marked up it was almost impossible to find a place from his back, to chest, to forearms that wasn’t marred, cut, or burned. Killua took a deep breath, making sure he didn’t look at himself in the large mirror facing him. He couldn't stand the sight.
He slipped off the rest of his clothes, bringing all of his things over to the side of the bathtub where he made himself comfortable, sitting in the middle of the bathtub, his back against the wall.
He then grabbed the bottle of rubbing alcohol, pouring a bit over his forearm. Satisfied, Killua picked up the knife, opening it carefully, then grabbed the lighter, and began heating up the blade, his tongue poking out slightly. His face was still covered in drying tears, misery apparent from any angle you looked at him, but right now he also was beginning to feel alive.
The moment the white hot blade touched his flesh Killua sighed, the relief and stinging pain clearing his head slightly. Pleasure shot through his body quickly, straight to his groin as he began to drag the metal across his skin, small bubbles of blood rising up and staining red in their wake.
“Fuck,” he moaned quietly, tears still pricking at his eyes as he lifted the weapon and started again in a new spot, not far from the first. Each time metal met flesh spikes of intense pleasure completely overwhelmed the slight pain, and Killua threw the knife down, it tumbled towards the drain of the tub. Beads of blood were cascading down his left arm and dripping into the tub, and Killua watched with fascination for a few seconds before remembering why he was here, and why he was doing this.
His dick was already half hard, and he wasted no time in grabbing himself with his right hand, and beginning to pump slowly.
“God, Gon, I wish this was you,” he cried softly, imagining that his own hand was Gon’s much larger, much warmer palm. Visions of Gon’s naked body, all the faces and sounds Killua had memorized over the last few weeks, playing back to him like a pornographic dream.
“God damnit, why do you have to be so gorgeous!”
Killua had never hated himself any more than he did now, his erection aching in his hand, tears on his face, the cuts on his arm still dripping and smearing all over the tub. His breathing hard and labored, creating a rush of white noise in his ears, his aching head making thinking next to impossible.
“I wanna fuck you!” he cried, sitting up on his knees, arm working expertly and efficiently, his bloody arm reaching for the wall to steady himself. Flashes in his mind of ramming Gon up against a wall, taking him roughly, biting at his neck as he ran his sharpened claws down his back. Gon writhing beneath him, begging him for more, begging him to hurt him. Fat tears rolled down Killua’s cheeks as he squeezed his eyes shut hard, his brow scrunched up in a flurry of emotions.
“FUCK!” a strangled scream ripped through his throat as semen began coming out of him in spurts, his hand only slowing slightly, trying the milk the feeling of orgasm for as long as he possibly could.
Once the high of pleasure came down Killua was left with himself, spent and feeling terrible, a mess he needed to take care of. He quickly turned on the shower, blasting the water so hot it felt like his skin would melt. But that was just fine, he had a lot of dirt and grime to wash away. Once all of the blood and cum had been washed down the drain, a slow streak of red still washing down from his wounded arm, Killua held his head in his hands. The white hot water beating at his back, he knew he had no tears left to even cry. “I hate myself,” he mouthed, his voice too spent to even form sounds.
Once the water began to run cold (how long had he even been in there? An hour, two hours?) Killua shut off the faucets and robotically removed himself from the shower. He moved in a daze, wrapping his wounds, cleaning up the mess, and leaving the bathroom as spotless as he had first found it. Once he was dressed again he ventured to take a peek at his reflexion. He looked lifeless, his eyes dull and red rimmed. A vision of him punching that very mirror and shattering it played in his mind, but his body stayed perfectly still. It wasn’t worth it.
Killua made his way back into the bedroom, Gon still wasn’t back yet. That was probably for the best. He threw himself onto the bed in exhaustion, passing out almost immediately.
*
Once Gon got back a couple hours later he was feeling a bit better. He had been wandering around town to clear his head. He had even made a phonecall to Leorio, who had suggested maybe just giving Killua more time, that things didn’t always have to move in such a whirlwind with them, even if Gon and Killua together were like a tornado meeting a volcano.
“I’m back, Killua!” Gon called, pushing the door to their suite open, “and I brought you sweets!”
No answer.
He set his bag of goodies down in the small kitchenette, kicking his shoes off on his way.
He found Killua in the bedroom, fast asleep, just laying across both of the beds in his clothes as if he couldn’t have made it a single step farther to get under the blankets. His face looked tired, but at peace, and Gon smiled as he moved further into the room.
The older boy crawled up onto the bed quietly and lightly, making sure not to disturb his sleeping best friend. He pushed a bit of the hair away from Killua’s face, his cheeks a bit red in the heat of the summer. Gon gently ran the back of his hand against a rosy cheek, surprised that it was cool to the touch despite the flush.
“I'm sorry for everything,” Gon whispered quietly, mostly for his own benefit. “I shouldn’t push Killua so hard. You’ll let me know when you’re ready for things, I know that. Even if you’re never ready at all, that would be okay, too. I love you so much Killua.” Gon leaned over and placed a light kiss on top of soft blonde hair. Killua smelled clean and slightly antiseptic. But Gon ignored it. He always ignored it.
At the end of the day, he really didn’t want to know.