Chapter Text
Katsuya knew for a very long time how he felt about Denki. It was rotted into his brain, the way he laughed and joked and made big deals out of the smallest things. He knew he loved him, probably more than that. But there was a deep part of him that found the idea of loving another boy gross. He had tried so many times to date a girl. All throughout middle school and he could remember all the times Denki made fun of all the girlfriends he had, despite the fact he was just trying to get rid of the image that was loving a boy.
In high school, it only got worse. Both the crush and the deep rooted feeling of disgust. It was like someone was trying to torture him, which psychologically, he was just doing it to himself by now accepting the person he really was on the inside.
His first year at UA was probably the most awful year of his life for those reasons. He made new friends and tried to keep his heart and mind from being plagued by whatever was around him. He kept his friends at arms length but his heart even farther away. It was some of the weirdest things he'd probably ever done in his life. No matter how many times he tried let someone in- he'd panic. He would cry and assume they'd use his past as a way to torture him.
The only people he let close but not too close were about 6 people. Denki, Kirishima, Bakugou (He didn't want to, it just happened), Mina, Sero, and Jiro. Denki had managed to convince him to go to this sleepover with all 6 of them. He denied the idea over and over again but Denki just wouldn't shut the fuck up about it so he gave in after what felt like weeks when it was only about 4 days.
The sleepover went about how he expected it to go. Food, games, loudness. But, halfway through the night, it became the worst sleepover he'd ever been to in his life and was probably going to be his last.
Everyone was scattered among the floor- except for Jiro and Denki. The two were on the couch. Sero and Mina were discussing things he didn't bother to worry about, Kirishima and Bakugou were playing something on the TV that Katsuya was unfamiliar with since he didn't grow up with that. And Katsuya was off on the floor elsewhere just observing, but he didn't care about anything else except for the way his ribs were going to break due to his heart swallowing into itself.
He watched how Denki had his arm over Jiro's shoulder- flirting like it was the most easiest thing in the entire world. He was flirting with a girl and didn't feel a lick of shame and guilt for doing it.
Katsuya felt like his heart might actually swallow into itself. He shouldn't care this much, Denki wouldn't like a boy. Denki was always open about how much he loved girls, he should have known by now that this was going to happen- he just didn't want it to be someone he hung out with regularly.
It was like his world had gone from color and laughter to black and white and static like those old TVs and shows. He tried tuning them out but they were the loudest. Jiro didn't sound entirely thrilled about the flirting but she didn't stop him either and that's what really sealed the deal.
Katsuya had stood from his spot and spoke, he didn't want to but he couldn't just walk off. "I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be back." Katsuya didn't waste time to go to the bathroom. He shut and locked that bathroom door.
In the living room, the game on the TV was paused and they were all looking at each other. Katsuki let out a 'tch' sound but deep down there was concern there. He was the only one who'd seen Katsuya's face and the way it looked like someone had torn him apart by saying nothing at all. He saw it because Katsuki was an observer, not a confronter- in some cases.
In the bathroom, Katsuya stared at himself. He could hear the TV was paused and couldn't hear the game anymore. But, he couldn't focus on that. His mind was plagued by what he saw. The arm, the flirting, the touches. He felt gross for being so jealous- so upset.
He had to splash his face, find a way to get through this night without lashing at someone even though it was his own fault that he loved someone his gender. He had dried his face and his hands before he walked back out. Everyone stared before they went back to whatever they were doing. Denki didn't have his arm around Jiro anymore, but it didn't stop the internal spiral he had in his system that would likely linger for days- or weeks.
When Katsuya took his seat back, he remained silent. Jiro looked irritated, likely from Denki pestering her and trying to get her attention. Sero had managed to snap Katsuya out of whatever brain fog he had going on inside his head. "Hey dude, wanna play something with us?" Katsuya seemed a little shocked that the suggestion was even brought up. Maybe he could give it a try. "I've never played these games before, wouldn't I just lose?" Of course Sero laughed- but it wasn't to mock or anything. If anything, it brought a small smile on Katsuya's face.
"The point is to try, no one here cares about skill. Just have fun man." Sero had tossed the controller stick thing towards Katsuya. He caught it and crawled slowly to sit in front of the TV next to Kirishima. "I'm not going easy on you" The words left the red head quickly but with a teethy smile, sharp and wide. Sometimes he does forget Kirishima has sharp ass teeth.
While Katsuya played (and lost), Denki watched. He watched how much lighter he looked talking to them but not himself and for some reason, deep down in his stomach, it churned. He didn't typically get jealous, but in this case, he did.
***
The games went on for a good chunk of time, mostly due to the fact Katsuya was determined to beat Kirishima and yet he didn't. But, he didn't seem to care.
The tiredness fell upon everyone in the room except for Denki and Katsuya. Denki didn't look pleased and that seemed to confuse Katsuya a lot. But, what really threw him off was the way Denki stood up all tense and abrupt and just.. left the house outside. Why? It was beyond his knowledge.
At first, he didn't really want to. What if he did something he'd regret? What if he said something dumb? Or kissed him out of desperation and made it known he might like boys even though that's gross- which he feels stupid for thinking but he can't get it out of his head. Denki could hate him if he knew.
But there was a stronger part of him that made him get up without thinking and follow, his feet moving without his brain and body. His hands reaching for the door knob, twisting it,
Denki was standing on the porch, almost like he was waiting for someone to come out.
"Why are you out here." The words came out of his throat faster than he intended. Denki looked at him, almost a little irritated and Katsuya felt his stomach start to drop.
"Because you're suddenly all buddy buddy with the others. You've been a downer lately." Denki's words felt almost like venom. He didn't understand.
Katsuya stood there just, shocked at the words that came out of his mouth. ".. All they did was invite me to play."
"Oh and you're suddenly all smiley around them but not me and it's pissing me off!" Denki suddenly got too close, way too close and it made Katsuya's heart beat fast, and not in the way he wanted. But fear instead- maybe anger too?
"Well you were all over Jiro the entire night!" His voice rose, just a bit. He didn't mean to but he didn't want to be controlled and ridiculed over something so little as playing a video game with the first group of people he considered friends.
"Why do you care? I like her!"
And just like that, Katsuya's world blurred. Deep down, he hated the gross feeling that he got whenever he realized his heart beat too faster around the boy in front of him, he hated how much he wanted to hold him at night, he hated how much he envied that he was so carefree, he hated how Denki was just.. free.
And hearing that Denki liked Jiro? His world nearly shattered.
"What?"
The words came out dry. He almost felt like he couldn't breathe.
Breathe Katsuya. You need to breathe. Use your brain.
"Yeah! I like her. I don't see what the issue is, Katsuya"
His hearing felt weird. Everything felt weird.
Am I going to vomit?
"Katsuya?"
The words from Denki's mouth didn't even register in his own brain. He wasn't using his brain.
He'd never felt this way about anyone other than Denki. And right now, he wasn't even an option to the boy he loved.
"Katsuya, hey man, you good? You're kind of freaking me out.."
Denki sounded panicked, but it just didn't register in his head. The only thing that seemed to snap him out of it was Denki grabbing his shoulders.
"Katsuya! what the hell is going on?"
Katsuya was in a fritz. And he was definitely going to puke soon, his expression looked sickly. Denki acted fast- he took Katsuya's glasses off his face so they wouldn't fall off when he hurled. Of course, Denki was the only person who knew what to do.
Denki patted his back while he got sick, he had to take a deep breathe because he just knew that something wasn't right.
"What the hell is going on with you? Seriously." Katsuya wiped his mouth on his sleeve. The panic in his system wasn't quite gone yet but it wasn't as bad.
"Forget about it." The words came sharp and cold and it seemed to piss Denki off.
"You just vomited after I told you something pretty fucking personal, so I think I have a right to know why you panicked, threw up and got all weird in front of me!"
Katsuya's mouth tasted gross, so gross. But he felt gross all over regardless of the throwing up, he hated the feeling in his chest at all of this.
"Why're you so nosy, can you just.. forget it?!" A yell. A yell that he didn't want to do yet it still happened anyways.
You weren't supposed to lash out, Katsuya.
"You're such a pain in my ass, Katsuya! I'm trying to help you- I don't normally get like this and I'm sorry but you keep pushing everyone away and it's just so frustrating!" Denki suddenly lashed and after the words left his mouth, his eyes widened. He felt the guilt and regret fill his entire body and Denki panicked.
"Wait- Katsuya, I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated." He had reached to grab at his wrist, which made Katsuya wince but Denki knew better than to ask
Katsuya had already burned the words into his ears and brain. His heart felt like glass shattering and he felt like his walls were building back around him, he should have known better than to love someone who was a boy. Someone so different from himself.
"Get off me."
"What?"
"Get the hell off me!" Katsuya yanked his wrist out of the blonde's grasp, hard and fast.
"Don't touch me."
Denki felt his eyes go wide, big and upset. He didn't want this to happen, he didn't mean to lash out.
"Katsuya, really I-"
"Matsuoka."
Denki stood there frozen in place. In that moment, he knew their friendship was forever changed.
"You can't be serious.."
Katsuya shook his head. "I was an idiot to fall in love with someone like you."
Katsuya could hear the own coldness, venomous tone in his own words. But, he knew in that moment that he'd never be able to forget the words that left his mouth.
How could Katsuya forget? He's irritating to be around, he pushes people away.
Katsuya and Denki stared at each other for a long time, the tension was so thick you couldn't even cut it if you wanted to.
"Katsuya- I really had no idea." Denki's words were shaky and he wanted to reach out.
"Forget it, Denki. I don't care enough anymore. Good luck with Jiro. I'm going home."
Katsuya moved to go inside and Denki was quick to try and stop him. "It's midnight! It's dangerous and you can't even use your quirk at this hour, there's no sun."
Katsuya could only scoff at his words. He didn't care, of course he didn't. He still went inside and silently packed his things up and came back out to the porch were Denki stood- waiting.
"Don't go. I'm sorry." Denki was pleading by now, but the apology went in and out.
Deep down, Katsuya knew he still loved Denki, no matter how disgusting he felt. And for once, Denki was right. He was pushing him away and ruining every chance they could have had together.
Katsuya never felt more like a idiot in his life.
And never felt more unworthy of love- romantic or platonic. Because all he'll ever do for the end of time?
Is push them away.