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Kakashi's system had never failed him before, every time he was assigned a team, he'd visit their homes during the lunch break on team assignment day.
It was very effective, during the chaos of getting ready to meet their teams, genin would leave their homes in a state that reflected how they acted under pressure.
He had already checked Sakura's and Sasuke's houses, leaving only Naruto's apartment, standing at the door, Kakashi placed his hand on the doorknob and turned, not even locked.
‘I'm gonna have my work cut out for me, I can already tell, if they pass that is.’ Kakashi thought as he pushed open the door, only to spot Naruto, not at lunch, not even eating.
He was sitting at his living room table going through a pile of weird looking objects, a bag lay discarded on the floor. Perking up at the sound of his door being opened.
Naruto turned his blue gaze over toward it, spotting Kakashi just standing in the doorway like a lost puppy.
“Um..hello?” was Kakashi's very hip and cool greeting.
“Hi, weird cyclops guy that's in my house for some reason!” Naruto's cheerful demeanor did nothing to ease the annoyance at being called a cyclops.
Deciding to rectify the problem, Kakashi gave his name, “My name is Kakashi Hatake.” He coolly introduced himself, leaning on the doorframe for extra cool points.
“Oh, hi Kakashi!” The display did nothing to Naruto, that miffed Kakashi more than he wanted to admit.
‘New genin usually get all flustered at this.’ Ego, now a little bruised, decided to ask his question.
"Isn't it lunch? Why aren't you eating?” Kakashi asked, stepping into the apartment proper and looking around.
“Eh, I wasn't really hungry, if I do though, I'll pick something up on the way back, but I was too excited and had to come back and look at my new stuff!” Naruto happily exclaimed, pointing at the pile of things on the table.
Looking at the pile and around the apartment, Kakashi spotted a number of weird trinkets, knick-knacks, and doo-dads. “What is all this stuff?”
“Oh, those are my vaguely weird enchanted items!” The blonde spread his arms out wide as if he was presenting something grand.
Kakashi, though, just looked like he was hardening his resolve to tell a kid that the tooth fairy wasn't coming to bring them money.
‘Someone’s gonna have to teach him not to buy random things, before the world does.’ Steeling his nerves, Kakashi decided that person was going to have to be him.
“Naruto,” Kakashi started slowly, “I don't want to burst your bubble, but half of these things look like junk, chakra enchanted items are rare, so the chance of any of these being that are slim to nine.”
Naruto just stared at Kakashi and blinked and tilted his head, not unlike a confused animal.
“But they are real.” Naruto said, sounding confused on how Kakashi could think otherwise.
And before Kakashi could explain, Naruto suddenly stood up with a look of excitement on his face.
“I'll just have to show you!” And in a flash, Naruto was in front of Kakashi, holding a feather he took from his jacket.
The feather was large, and an iridescent orange-ish red.
“This is a phoenix feather!” Naruto said, with a look of pure joy on his face, he wanted someone to talk to about his stuff, he held out the feather for Kakashi to take which the man did.
“Look, Naruto, it's a pretty feather but-” Kakashi was shut up by Naruto holding up the severed head of a woman with snakes for hair.
“Look into her eyes for me.” Aiming the head at Kakashi's lone exposed eye, all that could be heard was the grinding and cracking of stone.
Now statue Kakashi held the feather, Naruto just stared smugly, and waited several seconds, soon the feather began to glow and crackle.
A swirl of fire emitted from it swallowed the stone Kakashi whole, covering his whole body and when it finally died down, Kakashi could be seen on the floor.
The now normal Kakashi was heaving, still clutching the feather, looking up at Naruto with his lone eye, Kakashi saw the blonde staring down at him smugly, still holding that severed head that was currently wearing a sleep mask.
“See told you- sorry to wake you up, Medusa.” The head muttered something in a language that Kakashi didn't understand, but judging by the widening smile on Naruto's face, he did.
Kakashi just glared both at Naruto and that head, said boy just ignored him, walked over to the older man, who was still lying on the ground.
“Yoink, gonna need that back, got something to do later.” Not caring about Kakashi's well-being in the slightest, Naruto plucked the feather from his hand, placed it in his jacket, and walked back to the table.
“Wait,” Kakashi stood up, “what in the Fuck, would you need a phoenix feather for? Why do you need to cheat death?!” Turning to face Kakashi, Naruto just rolled his eyes as if it was the most obvious thing ever.
“Babysitting obviously.” That explained not a damn thing.
“What? Why are you dying while babysitting some kids?!” Kakashi exclaimed, rubbing his temples, he'd known this kid for all of 12 minutes and he was already getting a headache.
Idly petting the severed head in his lap, Naruto just stared at Kakashi, “You didn't think I got that feather for free did you? I have to babysit the Phoenix’s kids in exchange, I get paid of course, mostly in enchanted baked goods, that she won't give me the recipe for!”
“That's what you're upset about, not the dying?!” Naruto just shrugged.
“I was but you get over it quick.” Naruto's lackluster feelings about death made Kakashi want to go home.
That's when he noticed the glasses Naruto was wearing, a pair of teashades with a white metal frame, and pink lenses.
“Naruto, what are you wearing?” Kakashi asked, pointing to the glasses while walking toward the table.
“Oh these,” the blonde took off the glasses, “are my rose tinted glasses. They make everything look better than it is, I can only smell roses while wearin’ em too. Cool right?” Naruto asked, bouncing in his seat while looking at the now seated Kakashi.
“Why do you need those?” It was a stupid question, Kakashi really didn't want the answer.
“Apparently, being socially isolated for most of my life wasn't good for me, or so says my therapist.” Naruto held up his fingers in quotation marks to mock his supposed therapist.
“You have a therapist?” Kakashi asked, this fact wasn't on his file, and it should've been.
“Does a talking bird count? I mean it has a degree.” Naruto wondered aloud, still petting that damned head that seemed to be enjoying the actions.
“Okay, can you stop pett-” Kakashi was cut off by a stream of feminine giggles that sounded out, “What was that?” He asked.
“Oh that's just my sword.” That through Kakashi for a loop.
“Your sword, first of all, I didn't know you could use a sword, second of all, did it just giggle?!” Naruto just nodded and turned his head to face the sword on the wall.
“Yea, I can use a sword, not well, but I can. Also hang on, hey Sword-chan?” Naruto called out and the giggles intensified greatly.
‘He named it?’ Kakashi mentally asked himself, worrying about the sanity of his technically not yet student.
“Yes, master?~” Naruto visibly cringed at the name, but replied nonetheless.
“Please, don't call me that, anyway, I didn't want anything. I was just checking on you, and showing Kakashi that you could talk.” The sword just giggled some more, it seemed to be dripping..Kakashi didn't want to know what was up with that.
“Ohh~ master is so kind, wanting to show me off to his friends…I could never be more happy..” The sword damn near moaned out.
“Yea, she has a few kinks, I wonder if swords can have daddy issues?” Naruto wondered.
“I assume it's more like blacksmith issues.” Kakashi froze at his own words, ‘Oh no, am I adapting?!’ while he was dying on the inside Kakashi decided to ask a question.
“Why don't you just use another sword?” He asked, more out of a morbid curiosity than anything else.
“Well, she gets jealous when I use any other sword, plus she's kinda like the other sword I have, she's also a good sword, has her uses and all.” The sword mumbled something about praise, Kakashi decided to ignore the smell that came from it.
“What about that one right there?” Kakashi asked, pointing toward the sword sitting on the shelf behind Naruto's head.
“Oh no, that's my sword mimic.” Naruto said with all the coolness in the world.
“Sword mimic?” Kakashi parroted, obviously confused and wanting clarification.
“A mimic in the shape of a sword, it usually tries to eat any living thing it can but I just feed it a steak or two every other week and it's chill.” Naruto explained while gesturing toward the creature, now that Kakashi got a better look at it, he could see that it was breathing.
“That's gross,” Kakashi looked at his watch, “Lunch is almost over, so just tell me about whatever else you use on or do on a daily basis.”
“Ok,” Naruto clapped his hands together, "Rapid fire: I've got a yandere doll, it was a human turned puppet from Suna, I think she killed the landlord's dog, which is fine I never liked that bitch.” Kakashi just blinked.
“The dog or the landlord?”
“Yes, anyway, next is my voodoo doll, any damage she takes is given onto a chosen target so long as she has their hair, and she regenerates so she won't die! I used her to give Sasuke diarrhea once, but she didn't like that very much though..” Shivering at the thought, Kakashi decided to bury that image.
“Also, my six pack of juice, drinking one makes you cum.” Kakashi choked on air at that.
“How and why do you know that?!” He asked, as if he didn't already know the answer.
“I didn't know at first, I got thirsty and drank one, didn't stop for several hours, it was a very very white day.” Kakashi gagged.
“I'm gonna be sick..” He bemoaned, Kakashi idly wondered if he could make a break for it, but he remembered that he had to get a mental check on this kid, who was supposed to be one of his students, ‘The things I do for my job..’
“Next I have a tub of curses, anyone who is in it is randomly cursed, some old white haired dude fell in and became a girl, he then started crying about his new breasts being bigger than someone named Tsu-hime.” Naruto waved his hand, “It's only temporary though, but he will change back into a girl if hot water hits him.”
‘Poor Jiraiya…or lucky if you really think about it..whatever please just let this be over..’ If Kakashi hadn't dragged his hands down his face he would've seen Naruto's amusement, he was enjoying his torture.
“Okay..” Kakashi checked his watch again, seeing that lunch was about to end in less than five minutes. He inwardly celebrated, he was accustomed to being late, but he didn't want to spend another minute here.
“Just name off whatever else you have, lunch is about to end.” Kakashi told him to which Naruto clapped.
“Alright! Lightning round: book of portals, scroll of remembrance, the hottest sauce, pie that tastes like cake, cake that tastes like pie, Kyubi-fur shawl, several sentient porcelain dolls, that live in my attic, bath in a jar, a few stray souls, a living slime, several power rings, several enchanted cookies, headband that only lets me hear dirty thoughts, mermaid scales, my cat, and I have other, some I know what they do others I don't, but lunch is over and I gotta go.” Naruto listed all that stuff in one breath, and Kakashi's head was spinning.
“How is your cat an enchanted item?” Kakashi needed to learn to not ask Naruto questions.
“It meows backwards.”
“Woem” Came from the orange tabby on the windowsill, lounging there without a care in the world.
“Right, and how did you get half this stuff?” He asked another question, he might be getting addicted to the mental damage.
“People selling their stuff, battlefield scavenging, and generally doing what could be considered side quests, one time I cooked dinner for a dragon, and now I'm legally his grandson.”
“Why did I even ask?..” Kakashi asked no-one in particular, but Naruto shrugged.
“Don’t know but you look like you could use a cookie.” Naruto said, offering the man a probably enchanted cookie.