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Fount yawned, looking up out the window.
The sun was already starting to come up.
…Maybe he could take a little bit of a nap. Healer had wanted him to go to sleep earlier, it wouldn't be a bad idea to listen.
He didn't really want to, but he couldn't make his thoughts shut up. Sleep was… a nice break, at least.
It was stupid he was still having them anyways. He couldn't actually kill himself. It had been centuries of trying! He should be over the idea by now. He had Healer, too.
At least, for now.
…
Healer shouldn't have to deal with him being like this. He'd be better off without Fount being there. Sure, Healer cared, but Fount was just… annoying. Whining over nothing all the time, never looking after himself and leaving him to keep him in line, being so needy, and— just… everything about him.
It had to get annoying at some point, didn't it?
It didn't really matter how he even felt, really. He didn't need to go to Healer so often. He could handle it himself. He'd done so for over a thousand years.
Maybe he deserved to feel like this. He wasn't trying hard enough to fix it. And if he couldn't fix it, he had to deal with the consequences. That was simply the way that things worked. He didn't even really want to keep fighting it.
Healer would want him to keep trying, at least. Even if he felt like he couldn't.
He'd usually be able to fall asleep by now… It didn't take him long.
"Fount?" Healer whispered behind him.
Fount jumped. "I thought you were asleep," he mumbled, blinking at Healer.
Healer chuckled, "I just woke up. Are you alright?"
"You just startled me. I'm fine," Fount said with a yawn, allowing Healer to take his hand, before promptly positioning himself on top of Healer.
Fount almost wanted to say something. But he didn't want to be annoying. At some point Healer would hate him for always acting like some— stupid, sensitive child.
Again, he didn't need to say anything. He wasn't in any real danger if he did do anything to himself. He couldn't really die, at least.
…
"Healer?"
"Hm?"
"I…" Fount paused, trying to focus on looking away from Healer. It felt less real that way. "…kind of want to hurt myself. I won't—I'm not going to, I promise, I just— please don't leave me alone."
"Fount…"
"I won't do anything to myself."
"I know. I just—don't… want you to feel like this," Healer muttered, beginning to run his hands through Fount's hair, "Is there anything I can do?"
"…I don't know, I just— wanted to say it."
"…okay."
Fount's hands tightened around Healer. He wanted to tell him more, but he didn't know if he should.
"I feel like I deserve it, I guess," he muttered, trying to force out a laugh, though it sounded more like a sob. "That's idiotic, right?"
Healer frowned. "You don't… deserve to get hurt."
"Really? It's not like I'm—"
"You don't," Healer insisted, "Nothing you could do would make you deserve that."
"…yeah, I know, I guess," Fount muttered.
He didn't know. He didn't really know anything at all.
Fount sighed, closing his eyes as Healer played with his hair. Healer had started braiding it, gently twirling it around.
"You know, I kind of miss my fri— the other virtues."
Healer paused, "Don't you still send letters to them?"
"Mhm. Every so often. They never really respond, and I just— want them to talk to me. At least once. I… understand they have their own responsibilities, but I miss them. I really miss them."
Fount's eyes watered, Healer kissing him on the forehead.
"I'm sorry, Fount…"
Fount chuckled, "It's not… your fault. I just want them back. I haven't really heard from any of them in years."
Would they even notice if he was gone? If they, did would they even care?
Fount whined, latching tighter onto Healer, who continued braiding his hair.
He didn't really know what he felt about his… friends. He hated that they left him alone, he wanted them back, he never wanted to talk to them again, but he just wanted to see them one more time.
They didn't like him in the first place. Or— not like him. They just didn't understand. They knew he was stubborn and 'gloomy' all the time. He probably seemed like he hated them when he was around them, but he didn't. He just didn't know what to say.
Salty didn't know why he hated the purpose he was assigned. He thought he should be glad to help cookiekind. Fount didn't care, he was tired of all of them.
Sugar at least tried to cheer him up, but she didn't understand why he was upset, and didn't seem to care to. Sure, maybe she was trying, but it still didn't feel… like she knew.
Herald didn't think his Knowledge was useful at all. Maybe cookies didn't use it properly, but that didn't… change it's importance. It was annoying to constantly be told so.
Flour hadn't even talked to anyone in centuries, considering she'd chose to go into a cocoon to help cookiekind, so he didn't even know what she thought anymore.
Maybe he was wrong about what they thought. But they'd never tell them that.
Healer grabbed a hair tie, finishing up the braid in Fount's hair.
"…You know, I don't think they really want to be around me. They— they like me I guess, but we never really got along well."
Healer nodded, pausing to think about what he said.
"I… I don't know them well enough to say if they do. I can tell you I do, if that makes you feel better?"
Fount nodded, running a hand over the braid Healer made.
"And I promise I'll stay. No matter what, I want to stay with you."
"Mhm."
Fount couldn't help but think about how Healer would die eventually, and he'd be alone again. He wished they could stay together longer. Forever.
…Maybe that was too selfish. Would Healer even want that?
He probably wouldn't. No one truly wants to be immortal. It was a curse, one you could never be free from by it's very nature.
Maybe Fount just wanted to be able to die with him.
"Fount?"
"Yes?"
"Is there anything you want to do?"
"I— well, not really, I don't… know what I want."
"Well, maybe we could just… spend some time together?"
"…Yea, I'd like that," Fount muttered.
Healer kissed him on the forehead, "I love you, My Fount."
"I love you too, Orchid."