Work Text:
Getting A World Record For £17.99
It was a quiet day in a random apartment in the middle of nowhere (aka Germany) when Hans Landa decided to do a whole lot of nothing for the day. He starts his morning by making kasespatzle for breakfast, before trotting around the apartment in nothing but his tightie whities and crying about not getting foids. After two house of couch-rotting he decides he has enough and he goes on the tv to see what’s on netflix.
“Breaking Bad… I’ll watch that later, ja. …errr, Heat, already watched, ja great movie. …Boy in Striped pyjamas, now that was gud show, ja! …Passenger- the fook is that scheiße! Ugh, nothing in netflix, just garbage and depression jaaa…” He presses the power button on his remote. Nothing. That damn TV won’t turn off. In frustration he chucks the thing at the tv, which turns it off. Creeeeeaaaak, goes the door, and Hans’ ears perk up. Like a little dog he immediately twists his head round to lock his eyes on Aldo Raine, as well as his body, who’s essentially the breadwinner of the apartment. Aldo is Hans’ landlord as he owns the apartment, now the two don’t get along too well, usually their conversations go from hi to hi to the two arguing as Hans believes his game streaming is a real job and pays well while Aldo believes it’s stupid.
But today was different. Aldo puts the groceries he has brought home away before sitting himself down next to Hans. “Hey Hans, you just gonna do nothin’ as usual you little nazi boy?” Says Aldo. (he’s an annoying american who thinks germans = nazis, though this time he got it correct)
Hans responds with irritation. “Don’t call me that, you know it irritates me!”. Aldo chuckles before looking him in the eyes. “I betcha $17.99 that you ain’t gettin’ a world record in 24 hours“ He chuckles before looking at the tv screen “oh and fetch me that tv remote, boy. I had a rough day last night, I’m gonna watch somethin’”.
“Ok ok” Hans says before he mutters “bitch” to himself.
Once he does so he goes back into his room, his bland, bland room. The only cool thing about it was his gaming pc, and credit where credit’s due, he know what he was doing when he built that pc. He gets on, browses through his lackluster selection of games he “owns” (he uses steam so he doesn’t actually own the games. Social commentary here so give me 10/10 for that I’m smart (I still like steam though)) before deciding to browse the steam store. And there it was, right in front of his face: Need For Speed Most Wanted 2012. It was a game he was dreaming of owning, let alone playing. The mere sight of it made him drool a little, but the price tag was enough to make him convulse. £17.99 was the price. There was no way in fuhrerhell he was going to pay for that!
…Maybe he doesn’t have to…
An idea hits him in the head. “Ach, ja, of course! Ze world record! If I beat one, Aldo will give me exactly enough money for the game!” He cackles to himself at the plan. But what was he going to beat realistically? A game record? He can play, but he’s what you’d call a casual gamer. Anything physical’s out of the question, he is NOT going to sweat outside for the game. Something food related? He didn’t feel like it was worth the effort. Damnit, what can he do? He browses on the internet, and everything has its drawbacks, he needed the perfect record-
There it was, right in front of his computer screen:
9 CRÈME EGGS UP THE BUM WORLD RECORD.
Yes. This was it, something doable even for Hans Landa himself. All he had to do was buy 10 crème eggs… Could he do it in 24 hours though? Of course he can. He rushed out the apartment, down the stairs, out the building (mind you, he’s still in his tightie whities and nothing else) and arrives at the convenience store ran by an immigrant. “Ugh”, he thought to himself, “invaders.” He steals 10 crème eggs and rushes back to the apartment.
He prepares his tight anus by laying down and opening it up with force by inserting two fingers in and stretching it, like the jaws of life used by firefighters. Once the cave has been fully opened, he begins. One creme egg first, he inserts the tip, making him moan a little, before pushing it further. “Ach, feels like I’m taking a reverse shit!” He grumbles, “or, or like ze doctor is putting the baby inside ME! Nein, it’s painful, but ze show must go on!” And goes on it does, as he succeeds with the first crème egg. Great, only 9 more to go… yay…