Chapter Text
“Hey, Dean, watch out for that Goomba,” Connor Murphy, Jason Dean’s best friend of ten years, spoke quickly. The two of them were playing New Super Mario Bros. on the Wii.
An ’oof!’ was heard from JD as his character — Luigi was who he was playing as — accidentally ran into a Goomba, and lost a life in the game. “Damn it! Now it’s up to you to beat the level.” JD rolled his eyes.
Connor’s lips curled to the side. “I can do this.”
“I would have gotten through the level if you wouldn’t have shouted at me.” JD mumbled.
— — —
Jason Dean hated the constant struggles of life.
After he arrived home from Connor’s house, he flopped down onto the bed and sighed. He felt disgusted with himself, and he knew that his dad was home.
“What are you doing home so late?” And just like that, JD heard the voice of his father.
If JD wasn’t too tired to cringe, that’s exactly what he would have done. “I was at Connor’s. I literally don’t go anywhere else but there, school, and work.”
“You know I don’t like him.” Bud, his father, scoffed.
“Yeah, and since when do I care about who you like?” JD asked, sitting up on the bed to face the older man.
JD began to panic. His father had a belt in his hands. He only came to JD’s room with a belt when he wanted to ‘beat the fag out of him’.
“Shit…” JD whispered. “I’m not going to stop hanging out with him.” He stood his ground.
JD tried to think of something, anything to say. Tears filled his eyes in frustration as he backed away from Bud, who was coming at him full force.
“I won’t have that cock sucker getting into my son’s head!” Bud exclaimed.
“Get off of me!” JD protested, but it didn’t work. Before he knew it, Bud was lifting up his shirt and throwing it over the bed. If it wasn’t dark, he would have seen the multiple scars that littered JD’s body, both from his own self inflictions, and his father’s abuse. “We didn’t do anything, we just played video games! Stop it!”
Bud glared at his son.
Fuck you, JD wanted to say to him. He tried flipping him off, but Bud brought his arms behind his back and held them with one hand, while using the belt to whip him with the other.
JD’s eyes widened in surprise. “Did you suck him off?! Huh!? Fag! Is that what you did?!” Bud screamed in JD’s face.
JD tried to escape Bud’s grip, but the man was too strong for the boy who was lacking in nutrients. “I didn’t do any of that, I told you! We just played gam—“ JD was then cut off by a hard punch to his face, sending him backwards on the bed.
JD slapped his arms off of him and coughed from the force of the punch knocking the wind out of him. “Wow, faggot.” He heard Bud say, “I didn’t think you had it in you to fight back.”
CRASH!
Suddenly, Bud was up against the wall, and JD was throwing punches left and right, until his nose was bleeding as well.
“You’re a fucking worthless old man!” He kicked Bud in the stomach, unsure of how he still had the strength.
“And you’re pathetic, just like your mother!” Bud spat blood in his son’s face.
JD ignored his words as he continued to blindly throw punches and kicks at his deadbeat father.
”I hate you.” He mumbled, taking a step back.
JD cringed at the damage he had done.
When Bud saw JD head for the door, he shouted at him. “You can’t run away from your problems forever!”
“Fuck you!” JD called out, slamming the door behind him.
“Faggot! Spawn of the Devil!” Was the last thing JD heard before he was outside.
— — — —
“Come on, pick up, pick up…” He shook the phone in his hand, after he had dialed Connor’s number.
On the other end of the line, Connor’s voice could be heard after three rings. “Did you forget something again?” He asked nonchalantly, not realizing the severity of the situation. Connor could then hear the sound of JD breathing heavily. “Woah, hey, you okay?” He asked, on the other end of the phone.
JD realized that he didn’t have a shirt on, and that he would have to go back inside to get one. “Fuck…”
Connor squinted in confusion as to what was going on. “JD? What’s happening right now? Are you okay?”
“I need a place to stay for the night. Just one night. Dad’s at it again.” He explained.
Connor looked outside his window to see that it was currently pouring down the rain. “Are you outside in this shit right now?”
“I need to go back in and get a shirt.” He explained, without thinking about how bad that might have sounded.
JD quickly rushed back in the house. He didn’t know if his dad was still in his room, and he wanted to avoid him at all costs. He quickly got a jacket from the coat hanger.
“Get a shirt? Holy fucking shit, Dean, what did he do to you?” Concern dripped down Connor’s tone.
JD hastily rushed back outside after zipping the jacket up. “Just some stupid shit. I told him we were hanging out, and he got all defensive about you being bi.”
Connor shook his head. “That overgrown toenail doesn’t even know what bi means.”
“You’re right about that.” JD huffed as he stood underneath the roof, trying to shield himself from the rain. “He thinks you’re gay. He thinks you’re filling my head with sinful thoughts, or… Some bullshit like that.” He shook his head, even though Connor couldn’t see him.
JD hesitantly stepped out into the rain, placing his hood above his head, to try to avoid getting wet.
”You know you’re always welcome at my place. But what happened?” Connor asked.
JD sighed and leaned back against the house, listening to the thunder crash in the sky. “He called me a slur again, and got me with the belt. I’m bleeding a litt—“
Connor knits his eyebrows. “Get over here now.”
JD bit the inside of his cheek. At least he had one person who cared about him, right? He hated to think how Connor would react… Once he went through with his plan.
JD smiled. “Thanks for letting me come over. I don’t know what I would do without you. I’m serious.”
Connor was the only thing JD was really keeping himself alive for. He only had a couple friends. Connor, Lydia, Jeremy, and Janis, and Christine. For a moment, JD regarded every single one of their feelings. You see, JD had a plan, one that he had come up with a few days back.
”Yeah, I don’t know what I’d do without you either, which is why I’m worried about you living over there. You need to tell the police about this, or something, JD.” Connor expressed concern.
JD held the phone in his hand, watching the rain fall harshly onto the ground. “I’m already eighteen, they won’t do anything about it.” He explained.
Connor sighed stressfully, knowing that there was technically nothing that he could do about it. “That is such bullshit. You’re being abused. Don’t they understand that?”
“They can’t legally arrest him for child abuse, because I’m not a child anymore. CPS never worked for me either.” Thunder cracked after JD spoke.
“Just… Just get over here, okay? I’ll patch you up. You said you’re still bleeding?” He asked, still looking outside his window at the storm coming down.
“Okay… I’ll have to drive in the rain.”
“Don’t! My house isn’t far from yours, it’ll take you twenty minutes max to walk. Think you can do it?” Connor asked, as though he was issuing a challenge.
”I mean…” JD looked to his motorcycle, then to the rain. “I guess walking would be safer.” He shrugged. He didn’t necessarily want to die before the expiration date he had given himself.
Connor scratched his head. “I hope you’ll be safe…”
He would be. For the next few months, that is.
JD’s head was spinning. Everything was happening to fast for him to process.
“I’m always safe.” JD lied. He wasn’t always safe. He was practically addicted to causing himself pain. “I’m going to keep you on the phone, though, while I walk there. I don’t want to be alone right now.” He admitted.
”I don’t blame you.” Connor responded.
“Do you remember my mom?” It was a random question, but one that had been eating away at JD.
“Somewhat… Red hair, short?” Connor replied.
JD smiled at the memory of his mother as he walked down the street. “Yeah… She was only alive for a few months after we met.”
Connor moved away from the window and walked over to his bed. “Yeah, she… was really nice.” He faltered, remembering the way JD’s mother had died. It was awful. JD had told him it was suicide.
“She killed herself…” JD trailed off. Lately, he had seemed to have a fixation on suicide, and it all seemed to trace back to his mother’s death, he thought.
“I know… You said it was terrible.” Silence hung heavy in the air for a minute between the two of them. “Hey, JD, are you feeling okay?” Connor was on edge.
JD wasn’t feeling okay. He hadn’t been feeling okay for a while. “Dad and I pulled up to the house, and she shot herself.” He didn’t answer Connor’s question.
“Okay… I’m gonna go with no, then.” Connor assumed.
A few seconds of awkwardness went by. Connor asked if JD was still there, breaking him out of his thoughts. JD had been thinking about how he wanted to do it.
”I’ll be there soon, don’t worry, okay? I’ll be safe.” JD could tell that Connor was near a state of panic. Connor was someone who cared a lot about his friends.
— — — —
“You’re here.” Connor breathed in disbelief when he saw JD at his front doorstep, drenched in rain water.
Thunder continued to crash outside. The Murphys had a porch with a roof over it that JD was standing underneath. The porch lights were on, so Connor could see just how beat up and bloody the other boy was.
“I made it.” JD said, taking off his wet jacket, revealing that he had nothing on underneath. “I hate to ask, but do you have anything I could wear? I was rushing to get out of the house, I couldn’t even get an actual shirt, I had to get a jacket, ‘cause I left dad beat up in my room.”
JD felt tired. He had been tired for the past few years. The cycle of abuse drained him in every way imaginable, and with the absence of his mother, he decided that he just couldn’t take it anymore. He made the decision, about two or three days ago, that he was going to end his life on the night of his birthday on July 11th. It was March 30th, so he still had almost four months left to get everything together, decide how he wanted to do it, and decide how he wanted to say goodbye to everyone.
The tiredness overtook the young man as he collapsed forward, only to be caught by Connor, who helped him inside. He didn’t mind that JD was shirtless and fucked up in every way. Connor could see the scars that were made by the belt that JD’s dad had used to beat him with. He could also see some of JD’s own injuries. The ones he had done to himself.
Connor lead JD up to his room. His parents and sister were asleep, but they knew JD well enough to the point where they wouldn’t care if he stayed the night there. Connor opened his closet and began searching for something that JD could wear.
JD sat down on the edge of Connor’s bed as Connor handed him a fresh T-shirt, as well as a pair of sweat pants that he could wear. “Here, you can wear these. Let me take care of your wounds first, though.” He said, walking to the bathroom to grab something to clean the wounds.
Connor soon came back with some disinfectant, which he gently applied to JD’s fresh wounds.
JD flinched and hissed softly as the disinfectant began to sting. That just means it’s working, he tells himself, in order to try and cope with the pain.
When Connor was done helping JD with his wounds, a few large bandages were applied to them, in order to help stop the bleeding.
“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you at all. Seriously. You’ve done so much for me.” He reached out and held Connor’s hands. “This place is like a second home to me.”
“JD,” Connor squeezed both his hands, “you aren’t bothering me. Promise. I would say something if you were.”
The ghost of a smile appeared on JD’s face. “You would, too. You’re never shy about what you want to say. You never sugarcoat things.”
“It’s easier that way.” Connor shrugged.
JD smiled softly at the boy who meant so much to him.
“Well,” He leaned back on the bed, “I’m exhausted.”
Connor leaned back as well, curling up on his side. “Is something going on with you?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” JD blushed when Connor brushed his stray strands of hair away from his forehead.
Connor inspected JD’s eyes. They looked tired, both mentally and physically. “You mentioned your mom earlier… and how she killed herself?”
JD paused. He tried to think of what to say.
He wasn’t in a panic, though. He had already made up his mind about his suicide plan, but he didn’t want those close to him catching on. It was normal for someone to miss a deceased loved one, so he could simply pass it off as that. He wasn’t ignoring the thoughts anymore.
“I think about her a lot. Dad used to hit on her too.” JD admitted.
“Do you ever hit him back?” Connor questioned.
JD smirked, placing his hair behind his ear and closing his eyes as he spoke.
“He looks worse than I do.” That was probably a lie, considering the scars from the belt were still bleeding into the bandages. “I think I knocked his tooth out.”
Connor laughed, holding his side as he did so. “I think I’d pay to be able to knock that man’s teeth loose.”
JD rolled his eyes. “I think I got him good enough for both of us.”
“Try harder, maybe you’ll break his skull next time.”
“I’m not trying to kill the guy, Connor, I’m just—“
“Bull fucking shit, Jason, he tried to kill you just for hanging out with me!” Connor exclaimed.
JD opened his eyes when his first name was said. Only very few people got to call him this, and Connor was one of them. “I don’t think he tried to kill me. He’s told me before, if he wanted to kill me, he would.”
Connor shook his head. “You should come live here. I really don’t think my parents will mind it. We go to the same school, and you can move your motorcycle over here and drive yourself to work.”
“I don’t know… They’ve already got to take care of you and Zoe, and that alone must be a handful.” JD teased.
JD’s eyes fluttered shut, exhaustion taking over.
Thunderstorms often made JD tired, and he could still hear the violent storm coming down outside.
The more he drifted off to sleep, the more he started to think about his plan. The reason he didn’t want to live with Connor and the Murphys is because he wanted his dad to be the one to find him. He wanted him to be the one to feel the anguish that came with losing a child.
JD began to think of how he would do it. The classic hanging method could be done, but he wanted to do something that would make a statement, like set fire to his room, and letting himself burn alive down in it. His father owned a de-construction company, so he could always find a way to make a bomb and strap it to himself. That would be ironic. Or, perhaps he could go out the way that his mom did; with a gun. JD did own one.
Long strands of black hair fell into his eyes once again, causing him to open one of his eyes and look across himself at Connor, whose eyes were both closed. He must have been tired as well. Connor was so still when he slept, unlike JD, who suffered from night terrors and moved around in his sleep due to frequently horrific nightmares.
JD closed both of his eyes again when he realized Connor was falling asleep as well.
JD hated that he was going to leave him. Connor Murphy was his very best friend in the whole world, and JD was going to leave him behind. He hoped that when the time does come, Connor is understanding. JD isn’t looking to hurt anyone or cause them grief.
He’s just looking to find peace.
— — — —
The morning sun shone through the window, catching onto JD’s face.
Normally, he would have bolted up immediately after waking up, listening for the footsteps of his father. But then, he remembered that he stayed the night at Connor’s.
He looked beside him on the bed.
Connor wasn’t there anymore.
He must have gotten up earlier, and let JD sleep in, because the time said 10:24 AM. And it was Monday.
He was supposed to go to school today, but fuck that.
Since Connor wasn’t around, he wondered if he had gone.
It’s funny, times like these are when JD thinks it would be the perfect opportunity to kill himself. No one was around in sight. No one would be around to stop him. But no. Not at the Murphys’ house. They were like family to him… Aside from Connor.
Connor wasn’t like a brother to him, or anything like that.
That would be weird.
Considering the feelings that JD had for him…
JD sighed, shaking his head and pulling out his backpack that he had brought with him, pulling out a journal and a pencil. He was going to write every day of his life until the night of his suicide. He would leave the journal behind next to his body when it was over.
March 31st, 2026.
There are many things I take pride in, but to single one out, I am very proud of the friends I’ve been able to make along the way in my life. I couldn’t ask for a better group of people to guide me through life and share these wonderful experiences with. Connor in particular worries me. He cares so much about me, I can tell. I hope that he understands, I’m not trying to break his heart by doing this. He’s going to be sad, and he’s going to be angry. But I’m afraid he’s going to be most angry with himself.
Perhaps the speed of his breakdown will be a result of him not reaching out. Connor has never been good at reaching out. He keeps things in, just like me. I need him to understand, he’s the only thing keeping me tethered to this world. I love him. Fuck. I love him. My dad’s right about that. I’ve loved him for years. And of course, I know that he’s bi. So am I. But I don’t know if he feels that way about me. I don’t know. Even if he did, my mind has already been made up. I’m leaving this world soon, and going somewhere else. I know there has to be something after you die. Maybe I’ll be reincarnated into an animal with less responsibilities, and Connor can look for me in them.
I must confess, I am greatly enjoying the idea of becoming a butterfly when this life is over. It’s symbolic of death itself. To be a butterfly, I’d have to be a caterpillar first. It’s all about transformation. That’s what death is. It’s a journey. It’s moving from one thing to the next. For me, it’s freedom. It’s a chance to experience something new. Maybe I won’t be reincarnated. Maybe Heaven is real. Maybe Hell is real too. My dad sure seems to think so. The old man believes that anyone who shares same sex relationships is bound to end up there. I can admit, the thought of Hell scared me at first… But I don’t think it’s what awaits me.
Whatever comes next, I’ve given myself a few months to prepare for it. I must admit, the idea of leaving this world has frightened me before, but now I think I’m ready. I just need to get everything together. I need to say goodbye, but I don’t know how. What scares me the most is the way that my friends will react. I need my father to be the one who finds me. I could never forgive myself if it was someone like Connor or Lydia who found me. Connor wouldn’t handle something like that well at all. Fuck, he’s so similar to me, he might try to hurt himself, if he thinks it’s his fault. That’s one of the reasons that I’m writing these journals. One reason is to spread awareness on my father, another reason is to let everyone know that my death was no one’s fault. My father was a large cause, but the final effect was me. Whatever it is that I decide to do, whether it be the rope, or the gun, or something absolutely crazy like the bomb, or setting my room on fire… Whatever happens, it was my doing. It was my choice to set myself free. It was my choice to close my eyes for good. I’ve thought, and thought, and thought, and thought about it, and this is my final decision. Maybe there isn’t anything after. Maybe there’s just darkness and silence. At least that will be peaceful, right? Maybe all my memories will be gone. I’ve thought over this so many times. I think I’m prepared, but just in case I chicken out, I’ve given myself a few months to live. I really hope everyone can understand. I can’t fight anymore. I’ve fought so much, and I’m exhausted. A part of me is excited. I can’t wait.
“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.” JD flinched and quickly shut the journal when he heard Connor’s voice. Connor had poked his head into the room to check on JD. “I told Cynthia about what happened last night. She’s letting me skip school to take care of you.”
Connor always called his parents by their first names. He said they loved it, but also, he said it sarcastically. Most of the things Connor Murphy said were sarcastic, honestly. JD was one of the only people in the world that got to see the real him. He knew that Connor was an asshole, don’t get him wrong, but… he was his asshole? No… Maybe?
He looked at Connor, but his gaze didn’t linger for too long before he looked back up at the ceiling. He didn’t expect Connor to make him breakfast or stay home from school to make sure he was alright. But that was who Connor was. He was kinder than he gave himself credit for.
“I’ll bet Larry’s pissed about that.” A smile crept up onto JD’s face as Connor grabbed a pillow that was on the floor and threw it in his face. “Alright, alright, I’m up!” JD chuckled, catching the pillow. He got up from the bed and made his way down the stairs.
When he got to the bottom of the steps, there was a plate of pancakes and bacon waiting for him.
“I made sure the bacon was super soft, because that’s the way you like it.” Connor said, breaking JD out of his thoughts. He can’t remember the last time he’s eaten.
JD’s bad habits with self destruction had recently migrated to disordered eating behaviors. He can’t remember exactly how long it’s been since he’s eaten, but if he had to guess, it’s been at least two days. Yet, Connor, who may or may not have noticed that he wasn’t eating a lot recently, was kind enough to make him breakfast.
It’s only when Connor sits down at the table and picks up his fork that JD does the same. The two stare at each other for a minute, and Connor realizes that JD has a black eye from last night’s chaos.
“Do I have something on my face?” JD asked, knowing that Connor would give him the truth. Connor had never lied to him a day in his life, and he knew that that wasn’t going to change today.
“You do…” He admitted, turning the camera on on his phone and turning it to the front screen, handing it to JD, so that he could see the massive black eye that his father had given him last night.
JD sighs as he views the shiner. That’s one of the main things he’s not going to miss when he dies.
“Hey, you’re good with makeup, you think you can cover this up for me, so I can go to school tomorrow?”
Connor wants to laugh. JD gets beat up all to hell, and he still wants to go to school the next day.
“Why do you want to go to school, Dean? You should be resting and recovering.” He pointed out.
“I miss our friends, fuck you.” JD smiled.
JD sighed and moved his hand over his forehead in order to soothe the headache that was creeping back into his skull. He had been thinking too much again, and it was causing his head to spin. That’s another thing he’s not going to miss.
The smell of blood clings to him. He probably should have taken a shower last night.
To be fair, he was completely rushing out of his house, and he walked to Connor’s during a downpour, but that still didn’t count as a shower to him.
“Jeremy asked me why we weren’t at school today. I had to tell him what happened.” Connor explained.
The ghost of a frown haunts JD’s face, but he won’t allow Connor to think that he’s mad at him.
“What did he say?” JD asked after swallowing a bite of pancakes.
“That your dad’s a piece of shit.” Connor shrugged.
— — — —
Eight in the morning the next day, and Jason Dean had arrived safely to school. He and Connor had taken the bus, which Lydia also rides, and sat in the very back seat with her. They chatted it up until the bus arrived at school.
That was one of the things JD was going to miss. He and his friends could have deep conversations that lasted for hours. Leaving life for death would be hard.
When it happened, though, JD would finally be free.
Every day since he began to plan this all out, JD had thought of what disposal method he would use for himself. That’s what he was. Disposable.
It was what he thought of himself, at least. JD’s friends could easily find someone better than him to have their deep conversations with, right? Someone better.
Who would make them happier than he did.
He could never tell his friends about his plan.
Total honesty was all well and good for friendships, but if he had to tell a little white lie about how he definitely wasn’t suicidal, he would do so.
JD tells himself that he would answer honestly if his friends asked the right questions, but he’s not just going to disclose information about his plan unprompted.
He hopes to God that they never ask the right questions.
Now, JD had just entered homeroom, and had set his books on the table. More like slammed them down, but it was unintentional. When he had done this, his eye caught on a dark haired girl standing in the door frame. She had jumped slightly when his books had loudly hit the desk. JD had been going to this school for years now, and knew all of these people.
But, he didn’t recognize her. She was rather short, although most people were to 6’3” JD. She had dark brown hair and lighter brown eyes. She looked lost.
JD wasn’t expecting her to approach him.
But stranger things have happened.
“Hey, sorry, uh… I just registered, and they put me in the wrong class.” She explained, sitting down at the desk facing him. The desks were in square rows.
JD perked up as soon as she said this. It sounded like a quote from his favorite movie, but he knew it was probably just situational.
“Well, damn, isn’t this just a Donnie Darko situation?”
“I was just thinking that!” She exclaimed with a smile. “My life… Is chaotic enough for me to be Gretchen Ross.”
She knows the full name of one of the characters.
“That’s so funny. Most people don’t even remember her last name, even though she says it in the movie. Of course, I’ve seen it about a million and one times, so…” JD’s voice trails off.
“Dude, me too!” Her eyes grew wide with excitement.
JD decided that he liked her eyes. They were so different. So expressive.
“Did they actually put you in the wrong class, or did you just want to walk up to me and make a Donnie Darko reference?” JD questioned, raising an eyebrow.
The girl put her hands in the air. “Guilty as charged. You looked like someone who would get a super offhanded reference like that. I wanted to see if you were cool.”
“Oh yeah, the coolest.” JD rolled his eyes playfully. “No, I just like good movies. And I’m also schizophrenic, so… the movie speaks to me, in a way.”
For a minute, JD can’t believe that he just said that. He’s only known this girl for a total of two minutes, and he’s already disclosing personal information about himself. It doesn’t matter what new people think of him, does it? He’s dying in a few months, anyways.
The dark haired boy yawns and places his hands behind his head, putting his feet up on the desk, since the teacher hadn’t entered the room yet.
He doesn’t really care if the teacher sees his feet on the desk. He doesn’t care if he gets sent to the principal’s office. Not even if he gets suspended, really.
JD takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. When he does, he pictures a noose around his neck. Hm… Maybe.
Maybe not, though, because if he fails, he’s going to have major rope burn, and that’s not going to be fun. He doesn’t want it to hurt. He’s caused himself enough pain in his life.
He wants to die peacefully, but he doesn’t know how he’s going to achieve that. He’s heard that trying to overdose hurts, so he can’t go that route.
His daydreaming is interrupted when the girl starts speaking again. JD opens one eye when he hears her voice.
“Do you ever see any giant bunny rabbits?” She asked, honestly trying not to laugh.
“You’re funny.” JD smiled. “That was bold of you to ask, but I guess we are on the topic of Donnie Darko. I’ve never seen any giant rabbits… Mostly just eyes in random objects.”
“Woah…” The girl held out her hand for him to shake. “By the way… I’m Veronica. I just moved here.”
JD blinks and looks at her hand. He isn’t sure what to do. Making a new friend would only result in heartbreak on their end. “My friends call me JD.” Reckless decision.
— — — —
He thinks that maybe a gun would be the best method. That’s all JD can think about as he’s walking home. Holy fuck, he’s obsessed. He can’t stop thinking about it. His hands are shaking with excitement, and he still has four months to go. He can hardly contain himself over something that used to absolutely terrify him. He’s so happy about this, he can hardly stand it.
It would be so easy. His gun was in his nightstand. He would just have to shut the door, click a the trigger, and boom. Freedom. His whole body is shaking now. He’s so excited to be rid of this cruel, judgmental world.
Everything stops when he spots the girl from earlier.
He quickly pulls out his phone and tries to act like he’s occupied, but she walks up to him anyways.
“Hey! Eventful first day. I learned about the three girls with the same name, and that group that everyone calls The Plastics? Not sure if rivalry, or homoerotic gay situationship.” She shrugged. Veronica was clearly not a Sherwood, Ohio local.
JD looked up from his pretend distraction. His body was still shaking, and for a moment, Veronica looked concerned. “Oh, I’m fine— Just excited about something in the future. It’s a trip my dad and I are taking to the beach. A little far out, but… I love the ocean.”
JD had been doing a lot of lying recently, but as he had said before, he would only answer truthfully if people asked the right questions, and so far, no one had asked if he was straight up planning to kill himself.
“The Heathers are the school’s head bitches in charge, I guess. They think they can tell people what to do.” JD explained.
“The red one told me I had to change my shirt.” Veronica laughed, “I’m not doing that shit, this is my Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge T-shirt, My Chemical Romance’s best album!”
JD liked that Veronica didn’t have a set of rules that she lived by. She seemed so… free, and that’s exactly what he wanted to be.
“Ooh, hard disagree. MCR’s best album, in my humble opinion, is Bullets.” He shortened the title of the band in question’s first album, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love.” JD then put his phone in his pocket and looked down at the small girl.
“That’s my second favorite!” She perked up, brown eyes becoming expressive once more. “Do you wanna walk me home?” She asked, tilting her head to the side.
Even though he had been doing a lot of lying lately to dance around the questions everyone had regarding his mental state, he wasn’t going to be rude and say no to this girl who had been nothing but nice to him. “Sure, where do you live?”
“Bird Street.” Veronica responded. “Not actually too far from here at all. “I take the bus, but my phone says it’s only a thirty minute walk away from my house.”
JD starts to wonder what would happen if he ran in front of the bus on the day he planned to end it all. He quickly decided against that idea. He always pictured himself in his room, in the dark. Not surrounded by loud noises.
His head was a very loud and torturous place. If it was dark and quiet when he took his life, maybe his soul could finally rest. His body was shaking again as he thought about it. No more scars, or bruises, or yelling. No more being called names and slurs. No more falling victim to the dangers of his own mind.
“Geez, you must be really excited about that trip, you’re shaking like a leaf.” Veronica stated.
The trip? Oh, right, the little lie he told about he and his dad taking a trip to the beach. Sure, he might take a trip to the beach here soon, but he doubted that his dad would want to go. JD quickly pulled up his notes app, and began typing.
Drowning yourself is always a possibility. It might hurt for a few seconds, but once you’ve calmed down, the rest is history.
Don’t forget this.
JD then puts his phone in his pocket and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to freak Veronica out with the shaking. He could say he had some sort of disease that made him shake, but he didn’t want to build this new friendship on a pile of lies.
“Shit, I live on Bird street too. You wouldn’t happen to be the one who just moved into 3033?” He asked, knowing that a family had recently moved across the street from him.
”That’s me!” She exclaimed, happy to have made a friend on her friend day. She was completely oblivious that she might not have this friend for very long.
JD planned to live for four more months, so he doubted that he would get too attached to her in that amount of time.
As he thinks over this, JD wonders if he should write a goodbye note for each of his individual friends.
He does wish that they could come with him to the next life.
JD knew firsthand how cruel the world could be. He’d lost his mother when he was only nine. His father used to beat on both of them, but JD was left defenseless after his mother shot herself in front of him and his father. Ever since then, JD had been taking the physical and verbal abuse.
But soon, it would stop. His dad would regret everything he’s ever done to him.
JD’s foot steps down onto the damp ground from where it had been raining the previous night. His shoes against the ground makes a splash sound that he’s in favor of.
It starts to sprinkle outside, falling down onto JD’s head.
Whoever controlled the weather, whether it was God or some other higher being, they must have been sad recently, as there had been a lot of rain.
If only JD had met Veronica before he made this plan. Maybe they could have become lifelong friends.
JD had finally stopped shivering with excitement about his plan. He’s read before that some people who commit suicide go through a euphoric state right before their attempt. Perhaps that’s what was happening to him.
He has known since a very young age, that he wasn’t going to make it very far in life. In all honesty, JD thought that by now, his father would have killed him, with how violent he always got with his son. He never thought until the past few years, that taking his own life was an option.
Every time he harms himself — usually by taking a blade to his wrists — he silently prays for the courage to press down hard enough to result in blood loss ending in death.
JD covers up his arms for a good reason.
His arms are covered in slash marks. His own doing, of course. JD doesn’t understand why he does it.
And he knows, that his body, when presented in the casket will probably be covered by a suit.
Even after his death, he’d still be hiding his scars.
— — — —
It’s five eighteen in the morning when JD hears the door swing open, as well as his father’s heavy boots tracking through the house. He hadn’t been home today, and JD honestly wondered where he had gone.
Quickly enraged by the fact that he might be leaving as soon as he returned, JD stormed out of the bedroom and made his way to the living room to see if his father had entered the house.
They lock eyes in the dim light of the open fridge that Bus had opened, probably in order to get some booze. That’s all he seemed to care about, after all.
“It’s a school night.” Bud says when he sees JD
“I couldn’t sleep.” JD responded.
The man looks into the fridge, and then back at his son. He hasn’t actually had anything to drink yet.
“Want to go for a drive?”
“Okay.”
“Go put your shoes on.”
Twenty minutes of driving in silence later, and Bud finally pulls into a parking lot underneath some headlights. JD wasn’t quite sure why he agreed to come out here with him. He could honest to God be trying to kill him, for all he knows. Why else would he drive him all the way out here where no one else was?
JD sits in the back of the open trunk with his father and looks up at the sky. He feels awkward. For once, he and Bud didn’t seem angry with each other. They looked up at the night sky together. Truth be told, JD was all Bud had.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come home earlier.” Bud’s voice is uncharacteristically soft, and it makes JD feel almost uncomfortable. Was he actually planning to murder him right now?
“Why didn’t you?” Time has cooled JD’s anger to curiosity, but the rage still lingers.
“Busy day at work. Had to stay out late.” Bud responds.
”I made a new friend at school today. A girl called Veronica. She understood my Donnie Darko references. Actually, well, she’s the one who made the first reference.”
For once, Bud looks at JD with a sense of pride. Probably because he was friends with a girl.
JD had plenty of friends who were girls. Off the top of his head, he can think of Lydia, Janis, Cady, and Christine.
“Do I hear wedding bells in the future?” Bud questioned.
JD rolled his eyes playfully. “I just met her today. She seems really nice. She’s actually part of the family that moved in across the street.” JD explained, leaning back and looking up at the stars.
“The Sawyers? Lovely looking family, I believe I spoke with her father today.” Bud said.
JD suddenly feels a pang of jealousy in his chest for those that get to have normal families.
JD was silent for a second, once again thinking about his mother. He could never get the mental image of her with the gun to her head, her pulling the trigger, and her brains paining the ceiling out of his head. “Do you ever… Do you ever think about mom?” He asked.
Sensing the tension between them, JD leaned back further and turned his attention towards the stars. He wondered if maybe that’s what he would become once he died. Would he be a star amongst the sky?
The silence is defending, and JD pulls out a cigarette from his pocket as well as a lighter.
“Care if I bum one?” Bud asks, watching as his son pulled out a full pack from his coat pocket. JD cringes at his father asking him for a cigarette, but he hands one over to him anyway.
JD’s lips twitch to the side as he looks back up at the sky.
”So, this Veronica girl, she ain’t no d—“ Bud almost said yet another slur that he couldn’t reclaim, before JD cut him off.
“No, dad! I mean…” He sighed. “I just met her today.”
“Better than you hanging out with Murphy.” Bud scoffed.
”Connor’s my friend.” JD tried reasoning again.
“Connor also dated that Miguel boy. Before that, he was with Evan. You think I want my son hanging around such sinful behavior? Glad you’re hanging out with a real woman for once.” Bud took a drag off the cigarette.
“I hang out with Lydia. And Janis and Cady. And Christine.”
“Janis and Cady kiss each other out in the public eye, right in front of the school. It’s disgusting.” Bud pursed his lips.
Disgusting, JD repeats in his mind. He wants to take this old man, grab him by the throat, and not stop squeezing until he stops struggling, for calling his friends disgusting.
”Well, I don’t think it’s disgusting.” JD replied in a firm tone. “No matter how you look at it, love is love. No matter the genders.” And he loved Connor. Fuck. He’d always loved Connor. But what would Bud say about that?
His father flicks the ashes of his cigarette out into the street. JD takes another drag off of his own.
“They’re filling your head with sinful thoughts, Jason.” He shook his head, looking up at the sky, along with JD.
JD cringes at his first name being used.
“They’re not sinful, dad, they’re just in love. The way you and mom used to be?” Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.
Bud takes a deep breath and releases it just as slowly. He tries not to think about Autumn, JD’s mother.
“If your mother loved us, she would still be here.”
Perhaps Bud should have said something else as well, because that sentence alone made JD feel like Bud would think that he didn’t love him, or his friends, after he goes through with his attempt.
Despite everything he had put him through, there was still a part of JD deep down that loved his father.
He knows that he shouldn’t, but he was the only family that he really had left. The rest of his family was scattered around in different states. He hardly got to see them.
“I don’t think that’s true. I think she was depressed.” JD pipes up.
“I gave her everything. I’m the reason she even had a roof over her head.” Bud argued.
“I don’t know, I just think… Maybe… There was more to it.” JD replied.
Once again, they drive in silence, after the conversation about his mother. The silence is comfortable to JD. His father has a way of saying things that are unpredictable.
They continue in silence as they enter the house. JD walks up the stairs to the bathroom beside his room and gives himself a much needed shower.
Despite this late hour, however, JD can’t seem to get to sleep, as he tosses and turns, thinking about the next life that waits for him later on down the months.
Eventually, he sighs, throwing the covers over his head and marching out of his bedroom, walking down the stairs to where his father’s room was. He saw him laying there in bed and sighed again, laying down in the space next to him.
Wordlessly, he slips under the covers, and wordlessly, Bud reaches out his hand, ruffling JD’s head softly. JD hated that through the abuse, he could still be nice.
“Goodnight, Tiger.” Bud whispers.
“Goodnight, dad.” JD closes his eyes.
JD hated that he still found comfort in his father, and sometimes still had these moments where he would lay down next to him in bed to try and fall asleep.
He began to fall into a dream.
In this dream, JD was in the sky, amongst the stars. He was floating, and he felt like he weighed the same amount as a feather. This is the freedom he longed for.
“Jason! Jason, wake up!” JD heard the angry voice of his father, knocking him out of his dream and waking him up. The lights were on, and when he looked outside, the sun was out.
“Huh…?” JD rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before looking at his father across the bed. “Oh, shit, school!” He quickly rushed out of the room.
“Stop sleeping in my room, you faggot!” Bud snarled, calling after him. JD rolled his eyes at the comment that at this point, he was used to hearing.
JD started rummaging through his clothes, looking for something to wear for today. “So, last night I’m Tiger, and this morning, I’m Faggot, oh, what great times.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes as he threw a shirt over his body.
“What did you say, dickhead?” Bud was in the door frame. JD never understood how he just suddenly appeared that way.
“I’m leaving.” JD threw on his trench coat and put his backpack over his shoulders. As he was leaving, he clashed against his father’s shoulder. Their relationship was really a complex one. Sometimes, like last night, Bud was nice to JD. But then other times, the rage returned, and JD was left the only one receiving the blows.
That would all change when he was gone.