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How could something Kusanagi Nene was so passionate about crash down on her like this?
It felt like every pair of eyes in the world were looking at her when she made that mistake. It was a suffocating feeling. It ruined her self esteem for a long time to the point she was scared of any social interaction whatsoever.
There was only one person she ever wanted to talk to, it being Kamishiro Rui.
They ran into each other the other day. No words were spoken between them, they just happened to walk outside at the same time. The last time Nene had seen him before this was when she invited him to her troupe, the troupe that ruined everything.
Thoughts about him kept circling in her mind.
I miss him
He’s so much taller now
I want to feel his hands around my waist
I want to feel the heat from his body, or the coldness, I don’t care
I want to hear his voice again
I want to be in his presence for another second
But that’s not enough
No, it’s not enough
I want to hold his hand
I want him to grab me really, really tight
So tight I can’t feel my limbs
I’m sure that would feel amazing..
Every thought brought her so many butterflies. She just wanted to lay down and indulge in them all day.
But she couldn’t. She had a hunch something was wrong with him the last few times they’ve seen each other. He was acting strangely distant. He denied anything being wrong but she knew him and she knew he was hiding something. Inviting him to her troupe was her last attempt at trying to do something for him but obviously that didn’t work out. She just wanted to be there to make him feel better but she just wasn’t sure how to.
Wanting to do something but you feel like you can’t do anything anymore without messing it all up.
It really hurt.
The moment kept replaying in her head. Over and over again. Such a stupid mistake.
She practiced so much. She was so passionate about her role. If only she could go back in time and redo that moment.
It was too late…
Everything hurt way too much. She just wanted it to end. At this point, she felt as if she wanted to die. Was it a stupid reason to feel like this? Maybe, but that didn’t make the feeling any less real. She could either die or drown herself in the internet like she’s been doing for the past few weeks. Doomscrolling only ended up making her feel worse after everything, though. She wanted to feel something different.
Every day when she went to school she wanted to disappear. She wished she was invisible so it didn’t feel like everywhere she went the whole world was watching her every movement. Watching and laughing at her, someone who only exists to ruin everything she touches.
She just tried her best every day at school to be as quiet as possible, to blend in, to hide herself. But every now and again she swore she would see people give her dirty looks.
“……….. Kusanagi-……”
She could overhear her own name, but not the context it was being used in. She tried her best to fill in the blanks,
“Is that Kusanagi, the girl that ruined our play?”
“Why would Kusanagi go for a role she couldn’t handle?”
It was always negative, wasn’t it?
It had to be. There was nothing else about her worth talking about. The thought of people continuing to perceive her in such a negative way only made her want to become invisible more and more.
She wanted to resort to more drastic coping mechanisms to deal with these feelings, but every time she had a thought like that her stomach dropped at the idea of Rui doing the same thing.
He was self isolating and clearly in pain, there’s no way he didn’t want to die like her, right?
He lives next door, but it felt like he was on the other side of the world. There’s no way Nene could know what he was doing, he immediately would shut the conversation down if she brought it up. (Not like she had the guts to bring it up in the first place)
Maybe if she and Rui still went to the same school, none of this stuff with her troupe would’ve happened. She’d be doing just fine… and maybe he would be too…
Nene was scared. Will she and Rui ever be close like they once were again, or will he keep drifting apart from her? What if he moved away? No, that not going to happen, but it was her biggest fear.
She could only hope they’d be able to reconnect. She really, really liked him and missed him. He was her only true friend after all. For now, all she could do is hope he wasn’t doing too horrible by himself.
(Was it wrong to give up here? Could she have saved him?)
In the meantime, the best coping mechanism Nene found for herself was playing online games and befriending people on there instead. She felt like she had nothing to hide online, she could be herself without a problem.
It was a much different world online compared to real life. A much better one.
Playing 3rd person games was especially nice for her; because she wasn’t playing as her real self, it was almost like she was controlling an idealized version of herself instead and it felt amazing. The best part was that if she made a mistake in a game it wouldn’t stick in her mind forever.
Though singing and acting were her passions before, it seemed as if she’d given up on them and video games were “her thing” now.
Maybe one day she’d feel as comfortable talking to people in the real world as she did online, but at this point that idea seemed so farfetched it had never even crossed her mind. Right now, she’s a quiet girl in real life, but popular and skilled in the gaming world.
For the foreseeable future, this won’t change.