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Mike Wheeler. The asshole who’s stubborn and bossy, selfish, oblivious, insensitive, self-absorbed, and reckless.
That’s what everyone knew him as. Maybe the ones who were there when he was younger thought differently about who he used to be. But that was the past. And this is the present, that’s who Mike is now.
Maybe that’s why he was seated at his rather messy desk. An empty piece of paper sat down in front of him as he stared at it, a pencil held in his slender hand.
Maybe that’s why he was here. Because he hated knowing that that’s what everyone thought of him as. He knew it was true and that’s who he is. He hated himself for being that way.
Sure, it wasn’t the true him.
That’s just the version of himself that everyone else sees. The real him was hidden behind his nasty words and cruel behavior. The real him could be sweet and caring but it could also be hateful and judgmental.
Though he could never see himself as these things besides being hateful - towards himself - he was. He was loyal, kind, and brave.
Everyone saw him as selfish and insensitive but that was just his shell. Inside he actually really cared, he cared about what others thought of him as and cared about the people he was hurting. Maybe he could be selfish but it isn’t who he is as a person.
He could be hateful and judgmental and maybe he was. But maybe his hatefulness wasn’t actually towards others but himself. And that part was true. He hated himself. He hated the things he said, the things he thought, he hated the way he looked, and the way he acts. He hated himself all too much.
And he really did try not to.
He tried to take back the things he said and apologize but he couldn’t. He tried to stop acting impulsively but it’s like he couldn’t control himself. Not because he didn’t want to but because he couldn’t stop himself from saying and acting the things and ways he does.
He tried to fix his thoughts but it only ever came back to one thing, Will. He tried to fix that too, suppressing the longing he had for the boy and telling himself that he only missed him as a friend. But it was never that easy, he knew it wasn’t and he knew what he was feeling for him, why he couldn’t think of El as much as he thought of Will, why he felt so deeply for Will and not for El who he should be feeling it for. He knew what that feeling was but he’d never admit it.
He even tried to fix the way he looks. Taking a blade to his thighs and even sometimes his wrists, thinking that he deserves it. Thinking that maybe if he did it enough then he would stop looking like a..frog. Even if he knew that’s not how it works.
Sometimes - most the time - he thought that he’d be better off gone. That everyone would be happier if they didn’t have to deal with his insensitive harsh words and recklessness.
He stared at the white sheet for sometime before starting to write. Not quite thinking about what he was writing and just continuing to go word after word. Not being able to stop himself as he wrote.
Everything I should’ve been.
I wish I was nicer to people, I wish I didn’t lash out on people I love. I wish I could express my emotions like normal people.
I wish I wasn’t so skinny, that I didn’t look like a twig. I wish my cheek bones weren’t so broad so it didn’t make me look even more thin and bony. That I wasn’t so pale. I wish I was handsome. That my nose wasn’t so.. hooked. I wish my freckles weren’t so messy looking.
I wish I wasn’t so useless. That I could be enough for once. That I didn’t ruin everything all the time. I just wish I was normal. Dustin and Eddie always talk about how being normal is actually just boring and that being a freak is the best. But, all I can wish is to be normal. I tried to be like most teenage boys all last Summer. All I came out with is worsened friendships and a confusing feeling for my best friend. I just can’t fit into the standards no matter what I do. Everything I’ve tried to do isn’t me. I’m just..different.
I wish I was all these things and more but, I’ll never have or be these things. All I can do is wish knowing these things will never come. I should be so much more.