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wade doesn't believe it at first.
because if he didn't, then that meant it wasn't real.
he ignored it when spiderman was announced as one of the heroes lost, he ignored it when he walked by peter's name engraved next to the billions of others.
peter couldn't be gone, he just couldn't. peter's fucking spiderman.
he could stick to walls, swing across buildings and save people like it was nothing.
so it didnt make sense.
out of everyone, peter was gone and wade was still here.
it was almost funny because for how badly he wanted to die, the universe just didn’t let him.
instead, the universe took his lovers, his sanity, his happiness.
the only thing it refused to take was his life.
even when it was a random half of the universe that disappeared, wade wasn’t a part of it.
what a cruel joke. what a cruel fucking life this godforsaken universe kept putting him through.
they say those who lived were lucky but wade didn’t feel lucky. he scoffed at the idea of him being lucky.
fucking bullshit.
what luck? what luck could he possibly have? abusive father, neglectful mother. cancer. losing everyone he’s ever loved because he’s not allowed happiness. none of that was lucky, it was just fucking awful.
god, it was like his life had to be filled with misery. he had to be alone. he had to shut himself away from everyone because everyone and anyone who gets close to him eventually leaves, in one way or another.
but he thought maybe, just maybe, peter would stick around. he’s spiderman, sticking to things was kind of his thing.
and being with peter was the happiest he’d ever been since…since…he couldn’t even remember the last time he was happy. so for once, wade let peter get close. he let peter love him, even if he didn’t deserve it.
guess he forgot though — nothing good that happens to him gets to stay good for long.
he didn’t want to live anymore. why would he want to live? there was no one here for him. there was nothing good in his life. how could he live without peter?
he just couldn’t.
not when peter wasn’t there to smile at his stupid jokes. not when peter wasn’t there to kiss him every night. not when peter wasn’t there to look at him like he was worth something.
he pleaded with every god, every diety, every fucking thing that he could think of to kill him.
it wasn’t fair. he wanted to die yet all the people who didn’t die instead. they all had lives they wanted to live, they all had people who loved them and wade? well, now wade had nothing to live for and no one who loves him. so what’s the fucking point?
peter was gone. nothing was worth doing anymore. life wasn’t worth living.
wade tried to tell himself that peter would want him to move on, to live his life.
but wade's never been a good listener.
so day after day, wade tries to kill himself.
maybe one day, his body would spit the bullets out and “heal” him back up.
maybe one day, he wouldn’t throw up all the pills he took.
maybe one day, the fire would burn hot enough to destroy him.
maybe one day, the water would drown him worse than the way he drowns in his memories of peter.
so many ways to die, surely one of them will kill him.
but then again, peter's never been that lucky.
if he were lucky, he'd be making new memories with peter instead of desperately trying to hold on to the bits and pieces that haven't slipped from his fragmented mind.
”wade, put the dishes away!”
”wade, where on earth did you put my suit?”
”wade, stop messing around and pay attention to the movie…that doesn’t mean kiss my neck! oh my god!”
”wade, oh, wade, please don’t stop, oh fuck!”
”wade, i love you.”
all the moments he spent with peter replayed in his mind but even so, with each day that passes, a little more of peter fades away. his scent left on his clothes slowly being replaced by wade’s, his voice becomes harder to remember, his face fading from wade’s mind — until wade can only remember peter’s face when he’s looking at a photo and listening to all the voicemails from peter he saved.
he hated himself for forgetting but no matter how hard he tried to remember, peter slipped away more and more each day.
his mind experimented on relentlessly for years, the mind wipes induced by others and himself…of course, it was hard to remember.
but he’d never truly forget peter because he’d never truly forget how good happiness feels.
something that always felt out of reach and when he finally got it, it was like a dream, a dream that he never wanted to end.
maybe parts of peter fade but peter was wade’s happiness, that feeling would never be forgotten — and in some ways, that was pure torture.
is it worse to know the feeling of happiness and then lose it or is it worse to never have experienced it at all?
wade has heard whispers of how there was going to be an attempt to bring back all that was lost but wade pretended he didn’t hear, that he didn’t know.
why acknowledge it? peter was gone and it would be better for him to accept that than holding onto hope for something that would never come.
it had been 5 years. 5 years since peter had gone, 5 years since wade felt the warmth of another person, 5 years since wade felt happy.
5 years to accept peter’s death.
but even after all this time, wade’s still stuck on the day peter died.