Chapter Text
“Well, I’ve walked into your dagger for the last time in a row.” - Adrienne Lenker
“If you leave now, you lose everything.” You speak with assertiveness and tears in your eyes, your voice trembling at the thought your own words provoked in your mind. “You lose me, you lose our future.” Dean stutters, and you see his fists ball out of the corner of your eye. “Well then can you tell me what benefits I get if I stay? You’ve proven nothing to me.” You put a hand to your forehead, as you feel a bitter tear run down your cheek, burning a wet trail in your flustered skin. “What the fuck do you mean, Dean?” He begins to walk towards you, gritting his teeth. “Don't you even try that with me. Your emotions don't affect me anymore, you know that?” Dean says through a painful crack in his voice, he could feel it building up in his throat, the guilt, the tears, the anger, the scream that stirred in his stomach that made him wanna vomit, everything that he’s been trying to keep in for the past week when in any vicinity of you. “Is that supposed to hurt me?”
“Can you think of anyone else besides yourself for one fucking second!?” He barks out, his whole body shaking as he gestures out wildly, his eyes never leaving yours, but it didn’t feel like the gaze that he usually gave you. His eyes weren’t his own anymore. It was like the rage was consuming him and pouring out of his mouth and overflowing like a bottle combusting under extreme pressure. You could feel the atmosphere getting heavier as he exhaled and laughed with disbelief and pain in his resentful open mouth snicker. “I have done- everything for you. Yet you always made me feel like shit because I was trying to protect you from what you can't even realize is a direct threat to your life.” You choked up. What do you do? What do you say? Do you say anything? You fight the urge to flinch as you see him inhale to continue his misanthropic monologue. “I tried to build my life around you, I really tried. I tried to make you mine, I tried.” You could hear the pain in his breath, the whole world was silent and the room you both stood in felt like a gruesomely cold and snowy forest, you and Dean stood motionless on a thinly frozen ice lake miles apart from each other, yet you felt his words in your soul even from millions of paces away. You wanted to block them out, but something deep inside your gut told you that this is what you deserve. You didn’t wanna listen but simultaneously you wholeheartedly agreed with everything he barked out at you.
“But every time I tried you pushed me away, and everything you said felt like a bullet to the face.” He grips his hair, looking up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears from burning like flesh-eating acid through his face. “You keep acting like everything okay and- and there's some sort of solution to all of the pain you’re putting us both through. When in reality you don't know anything about my goddamn situation and there's nothing you can do to even begin to understand. Because you don't wanna believe that you’re that bad of a person, but believe me you’re a soul-sucking parasite and I can fucking promise you that.” The reflection in your eyes has been gone for a long time, you tried to muffle his yells but his furious words break the walls that you try and put up every time he breaks through them with the truth that he screams in your face. You finally grip the edge of the cliff, as you try and pull yourself up and muster the words out of your throat to say something back to your hysteric husk of a counterpart. “What if I'm perfectly okay with losing everything? Losing us? Losing You?” He takes you by your shoulders, you could feel his hands trembling, and you know that he could tell that you just want to collapse into his chest, but it felt like this is the last time you could ever feel even an ounce of touch from him, and that feeling made you wanna break the thin ice beneath you and hold your head in the numbingly ice cold water and never come back up. “Baby, I've come to terms with it. And I have been for a long time now.” He nods, his face freshly wet from the salty cynical tears that poured out during his lament. “And you have to as well.”
You couldn’t feel your chest rising for air, your lungs felt rotten and black. But all at the sae time, you couldn’t stop your heart from racing and your lungs pulsing and flailing for life, fighting to regain hope, fighting to regain faith, fighting to get through to your brain to get the message across that you and him weren’t over. That this wasn't the time. That there was still a chance that you could grab his hand before he disappeared into the void of everlasting blinding blizzards and storms caused by the world that you both had promised to never fall back into after all the pain it caused to the both of you after finally finding peace in each others love and compassion.
“Please.” Felt like the last and first word that you’ve ever spoken. The only word that you could shove through your vocal folds before your body decided to shut down, limp and unfeeling. Completely drained, flatlined. “I know you love me.” He says, nearly choking on his own words as he grabs his bag from the floor. “But you can't anymore.” You could hear his shoes hit the ground, each footstep felt like a crack in the ice, and the sound of the door opening and closing shattered the crystalized water, like how a hammer cracks a skull, how a saw rips through bone, and like how a scalpel pierces through a heart.