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It ends on the floor.
Mello's head slams against the tile and he sees stars.
The room spins. He wants to close his eyes and give into it, but knows he's as good as dead if he chooses that.
He's seen the process before when other guys left, so he knows it's almost over. The hardest part is behind him. There's a cigar burn on his hip from where he'd been held down and stripped of his initiation tattoo to prove it.
Someone gives the final order to toss him. He closes his eyes as he's lifted off the ground and wonders briefly if Near is waiting for him on the roof.
He hears the door open then feels nothing but wind as he's thrown into the alley.
His head hits the ground again.
A million paper swans explode behind his eyelids as he lets himself fade.
-
When Mello's eyes open again, he feels like he's been hit by a train. The only thing that encourages him to get onto his feet is knowing that he needs to put space between himself and the alley he's in.
He shoves his hand in his pocket to see if he has money for a cab, and his knees buckle when he accidentally rubs the cigar burn. The pain is blinding and he has to stand still to catch his breath.
It's all for nothing anyway. His pockets are empty.
-
He manages to pathetically drag himself back to his apartment building. He does not bother stopping on his floor and instead goes straight for the roof.
He knows Near will be there.
The door swings open and he's met with a pair of terrified eyes.
Relief washes over Near's face as Mello approaches him. He wants to grab Near and kiss him, if for no other reason than to prove to himself that he actually made it back, but he's too exhausted to even lift his arms.
He takes the final step and sighs when he can feel the heat from Near's body. His forehead drops against Near's shoulder as he quietly announces that his former life has ended.
He feels the weight of Near's head rest against his. Neither of them break the silence after that.
Mello decides not to tell Near about his burn.
-
Near hovers.
Somehow, Mello manages to find it endearing rather than suffocating. He wishes he could say something to smooth out the worried creases that he fears will become permanent on Near's forehead.
He tries and fails to speak over the next few days. He's simply too tired.
If Near is bothered by the silence, it's impossible to tell. Occasionally he looks at Mello like he wants to tell him something, but always turns away like he's changed his mind at the last minute. Mello is grateful. He does not want to use energy coming up with something to say.
Near makes Mello eat, and Mello wants to hate him for it though he knows he never could. He still rolls his eyes when Near shoves a plate toward him.
When Near leaves in the evenings, Mello wishes he knew if it was appropriate to ask him to stay.
He curls in on himself and waits for morning.
-
The soreness begins to fade. His hip scabs over.
He traces the scar on Near's ankle and stares at his lips. He hasn't felt like kissing for the last few days, but he never stops thinking about it.
He remembers pulling the stunt with the beer so he could kiss Near that first time. He'd offered it knowing Near would refuse, that he would scrunch up his face at the idea of sharing the bottle.
He could still hear the way his heart had sounded in his ears when he pulled Near in. He could still see the shock on Near's face when they'd parted.
Near meets his eye and squirms. He gets that look on his face again, like he's dying to say something.
Mello lifts an eyebrow, questioning him on it. And then-
“I love you.”
The words fall awkwardly out of Near’s mouth. He stares at Mello wide-eyed, like he wants to sink down and disappear into the couch.
Mello's heartbeat returns to his ears. He knows he is undeserving of this.
But he knows Near means it.
He feels better than he has in days.
-
Eventually, the ache in Mello's muscles finally disappears. Unfortunately, it finds a new home in his heart.
When he can't take it any longer, he reaches toward the opposite end of his couch and grabs Near, who looks surprised but allows himself to be pulled against Mello's chest.
He hides his face in Near's hair and lets the ache in his chest die down.
“Hey,” Near whispers. “Are you okay?”
Mello can't bring himself to respond. He does not know the answer.
-
Near stops coming over each morning. His summer classes have started, and he's picked up a part-time job on campus.
Mello's apartment feels quiet and empty, and he wanders through it as though he's never seen it before.
There's a reusable grocery bag full of food on his kitchen counter that Near had left for him. He picks through it and settles on an apple.
It occurs to him that he has to find a new way to make money if he wants to buy more groceries and pay his rent. His stomach fills with dread.
He bites into the apple gently and holds it between his teeth as he takes his old coffee tin out of the cupboard. He removes the lid and counts the money hiding inside of it. There's enough leftover from his previous assignments to get him through the next month or so.
He frowns and wonders if he could start dealing again, like he had when he first came to the city. The thought is brief, as he knows he has no connections other than the same ones he'd just separated himself from. It would only get him right back into the place he'd barely escaped from.
His skill set is limited, to say the least. He knows how to handle a knife, and how to use his body to get information out of people. But here, in this new life he's stepped into, he feels qualified for nothing.
The coffee tin returns to its spot in the cupboard.
He finally takes a bite from the apple, then tosses the rest in the trash.
-
The ache in Mello's chest is temporarily forgotten as a new one forms between his legs. He thinks of Near when he is gone and imagines what it would be like to take him to bed. His cheeks grow hot and it's hard to sit still.
As soon as Near comes through the door after school, Mello pounces and pins him against the wall. He slots his knee between Near's thighs and presses their bodies together. His tongue slides against Near's neck and he moans without thinking at the taste of his skin.
Near does not move. His palms are pressed flat against the wall. When Mello pulls back to look at him, he finds Near's eyes filled with a combination of surprise and confusion. He is clearly not angry, but Mello still feels like a piece of shit.
The fire between his legs dies out as quickly as it had arrived. He releases Near and walks away.
He does not know how to touch someone in a way that matters.
-
When Near goes home, Mello gets in the shower and turns on the hot water as high as he can get it.
He washes away nonexistent layers of grime as he curses the people who'd seen his body as another weapon in their arsenal. He curses himself for ever thinking that was something he could be proud of.
He'd been underneath men who could have easily snapped him in half with one hand, had they been angry enough. It never scared him. He could wear them down and have them spilling their darkest secrets within minutes. Sometimes it only took the right flick of his tongue, the smallest twist of his wrist.
He had never been bothered by it. It never made him feel ashamed.
In fact, it made him feel powerful.
Now, he does not know if that's the word he would choose. He has no idea how to give himself to Near physically in a way that shows what he feels inside.
He only knows how to treat it like a transaction.
Mello's stomach turns as he feels every hand that's ever touched his body.
He scrubs his skin until it is red and raw.
-
It is Mello's desire for a cigarette that finally gets him to leave his apartment again. He goes to the roof while Near is in class and chain smokes until he can't take it anymore.
He leans against the railing, head in his hands.
Although he'd been planning to wait there for Near, he eventually retreats back into the building.
The roof was usually the one place where he felt like he could actually breathe.
Now, he feels like he's drowning.
-
He starts to have trouble sleeping and wakes up in the middle of the night gasping for air and sweating so much his hair sticks to his neck. Just the idea of getting into his own bed begins to stress him out, so he starts sleeping on the couch.
A deep kind of exhaustion creeps into his bones. The idea of getting up off the couch is too overwhelming. Near starts forcing him to eat again, just like when he'd been injured.
When Near leaves at night, Mello stares across the room at the origami swan Near had given him in exchange for that shitty furniture.
He wonders how being in such a better place in his life can make him feel so terrible.
-
Mello finally decides to shower when the sticky hair on his neck starts making him feel crazy.
By the time he manages to find some clean clothes, he gets tired of standing and decides maybe a bath would be easier. He sits down on the floor by his bathtub and waits for the water to get warm.
He knows that in the morning he will have to dip into his coffee tin savings and make his rent payment. If he's lucky, he can use what's left to scrape through one more month.
And after that, he doesn't know.
He lays down on the floor and closes his eyes.
He knows that if he talks to Near about everything he's feeling, Near will listen. However, he cannot imagine how that would bring him any closer to a solution.
He thinks of Near's face the way it used to be, before that concerned expression had made itself permanent on his flawless features. He pictures the way Near would look at him when they were on the roof, like Mello was something he couldn't look away from.
He belongs up there, Mello thinks. He is the highest of highs, and I am the lowest of lows.
He pulls his knees up to his chest.
The water continues running in the tub.
-
“Mello?” Near says over the sound of the water.
Mello doesn't look up. He barely hears Near walking across the room.
The water shuts off, and the silence that fills the air is almost unbearable.
Near sits down next to Mello's head and places a gentle hand against his cheek. He touches Mello like he's fragile, and to Mello that just makes him feel weak. However, he's too tired to fight it.
He looks up at Near and receives a fresh crack in his heart when he sees Near's eyes shining with tears.
“What's going on?” Near pleads with him. “I'm so worried about you.”
Mello doesn't feel like talking about it, but as he looks at Near's face, he sees the extent of the damage he's causing. He reaches up and takes Near's hand, the one that's still resting on his cheek.
He opens his mouth and everything begins spilling out without warning. He tells Near about his coffee tin and the hot shower and the phantom hands on his skin. He tells Near about his inability to sleep and the night sweats and how he can't even be in his own bed anymore.
“I feel like I fucked everything up,” he admits. “I know I said I wanted to get out, but now that I have, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself anymore. That way of survival was all I knew.”
The tears finally spill out of Near’s eyes and fall down his cheeks. Mello wants to become one with the floor.
“Then let me help you, Mello. Please.”
“I don’t think there's anything you can do.”
Near leans over and kisses him. Mello breathes it into his lungs, like he's been pulled back to the surface.
“Maybe not right now,” Near whispers, “but we'll figure this out. Together. I promise.”
Mello goes in for another kiss and lets his tongue swipe over Near's lower lip in the way he knows will make Near go all shivery. He feels the shudder beneath his hands and is satisfied with himself.
Near clings to him when they break apart. The concern has not faded from his eyes.
“Come on,” he says. “We can at least get you onto the couch where you'll be comfortable.”
Mello shakes his head. “I think, for now, I just wanna stay here.”
He expects Near to fight back, but instead his expression softens and he stretches out next to Mello on the floor.
“Okay,” Near whispers. “We'll stay here for a while.”
He moves closer until their bodies press against each other. Mello relaxes into him and lets his eyes close again.
-
Near eventually gets up and helps Mello peel himself off the bathroom floor. He invites Mello up to his apartment to stay for the evening.
Mello accepts instantly. He does not want to spend the night alone.
Near's place is fresh and clean and full of life. There's a fruit bowl on the counter and neat stacks of textbooks and tiny metal robots arranged on a shelf. It looks like a stock photo of a college student's apartment.
They settle in on Near's plush couch and Near orders pizza. They eat it straight out of the box and Mello is terrified he'll spill food on the furniture.
He feels awkward as he crawls into Near's bed that night, like he's unsure if he should actually be there. But then Near moves in closer and tucks his head under Mello's chin, and the worry fades away.
He falls asleep with Near's hair tickling his nose.
-
Near offers to skip his classes the next day, but Mello insists that he should go. He stays in Near's apartment while he is away.
He still feels like shit, but finds that he can breathe a bit easier. He knows he has hit rock bottom. Going back up is the only option now.
He sits at Near's desk and makes a list of all of the things he's good at. He frowns and crosses out the ones that are illegal. His list shrinks significantly.
He feels himself start to spiral again. His bathroom floor is starting to beckon him again.
A bright yellow sticky note is attached to Near's desk with a list of his upcoming assignments and their due dates. Mello stares at to give himself something to focus on, and then his mind wanders.
He starts writing again.
When Near gets home, Mello shows him everything he's written down. They talk about it for hours.
That evening, Near pulls out his laptop and helps Mello apply for college.
-
Mello becomes an official college student in the fall. He breathes a sigh of relief when he's approved for work through student employment. His rent is already late enough. Although, he is at Near's place so much that he wonders if it would even matter if he got evicted.
He is a good student but a terrible peer. Getting good grades had never been much of a struggle for him. The problem arises when he sits down in classrooms filled to the brim with strangers. He feels constantly on edge. He does not know how to be around people without having his guard up.
He tries to counter this by forcing himself to stay on campus when he's not in class instead of hiding away in his apartment. He meets Near for coffee when they both have free time and they talk about how their days are going.
Near always holds his hand and kisses him in front of everyone. Nobody seems to care. They're not even paying attention.
Mello realizes that he's surrounded by people who are getting through the day just the same as he is.
They are not his enemies.
-
They tangle together in Near's bed and Mello revels in the feeling of Near’s body beneath his. He rolls their hips together and Near lets out a sound that makes Mello's knees weak.
Near has a hand under Mello's shirt and sincerity in his eyes when he asks, “Do you want to…?”
And god, Mello does not know how he could ever say no.
Still, he hesitates. He is doing better, but still struggles with figuring out how to act from what he's feeling rather than letting his body perform on autopilot.
He does not want Near to have to share him with all the slimy hands he sometimes still feels on his skin.
With a defeated sigh, he rolls onto his back.
“I do,” he answers. “But I can't. Not yet.”
Near touches his face and looks at him in a way that causes warmth to spread throughout his chest. He longs for the heat of Near's body but is proud of himself for being honest with his needs.
He feels powerful again.
-
When they decide to move in together in an apartment across town, Mello is relieved. He has grown to hate being in his own home. It only reminds him of the things he would like to forget.
He is also tired of paying for it, considering he is almost always at Near's apartment now.
On the night before their big move, they order dinner and take it up to the roof to eat. They had never bothered to get a second chair up there, so Mello sits in the one he thrifted and Near sits in his lap.
“I'll miss coming up here with you,” Near says after they finish eating.
Mello frowns. He knows Near is disappointed about the lack of rooftop access at their new place.
“We could take the table and chair,” he offers. “I mean, I bought it so it's technically ours.”
Near shakes his head. “Nah, let's leave it. I like to think someone else will find this spot and use it. Maybe two people will even meet up here like we did.”
Near looks out at the setting sun with love in his eyes.
Mello cannot imagine what his life would be like if he'd never come to the roof.
-
Mello tosses everything in his apartment except for his paper swan. He doesn't want to bring any of his past self into his future.
Their new place is small anyway, and Near has much better taste in decor.
They set up their new bedroom immediately so they can go to sleep early, tired from the long day of moving and unpacking.
Before Mello crawls into bed, he sets the paper swan on his new nightstand.
He stays awake just long enough to tell Near that he loves him.
He sleeps well.