Work Text:
Ed wasn’t nervous, fuck off. It was just dinner! Dinner with Stede. A dinner with his boyfriend, his boyfriend’s ex-wife, and his boyfriend’s ex-wife’s husband. Totally normal! Nothing to be nervous about.
True, if this dinner went poorly, it probably didn’t bode well for their relationship. If Mary didn’t like Ed, she might not want him around the kids. Kind of hard to have a relationship if you’re not allowed to be around your partner fifty percent of the time.
And yeah, Ed felt like he’d known Stede his whole life, but they’d only been dating for a few weeks. He wanted the dinner to go well, but if it didn’t? Well, things happened. If this was the end for Stede and him, life would just…begin again. He’d simply legally change his name, alter his appearance, and make a better first impression with Mary next time.
Okay, so maybe Ed was a little nervous. His hyperactive mind spun like a carousel, but each mount was replaced with a different way things could go wrong. His cooking would send someone into anaphylactic shock, even though he’d confirmed that no one had any food allergies. Or Ed could slip while serving the meal and accidentally maim someone with a butcher knife, even though he was making pasta, and zero knives would be in use. Or Stede would get a meatball stuck in his throat, and his ridiculous posh upbringing wouldn’t allow him to disrupt the conversation, and he’d choke to death while Ed, Mary, and Doug talked about Bake Off.
“Oh, Ed, that’s ridiculous,” Stede huffed as they dressed for the evening. “Mary’s going to love you.”
Ed hummed noncommittally.
Stede walked up behind Ed and slipped his arms around his waist. His voice was low and sultry when he next spoke.
“Just relax, kitten.”
Ed felt his dick twitch at the pet name, and another horror added itself to the carousel.
“Christ babe, you can not say shit like that when they get here,” Ed warned.
“I can’t call you pet names?” Stede looked like a kicked puppy, but Ed was quick to reassure him.
“Nah, love, pet names are fine. Just don’t call me anything that’ll have me moaning like a porn star.”
Stede blushed at the thought, and just as Ed pressed a kiss to a pink, dimpled cheek, the doorbell rang.
***
Mary was amazing. She introduced herself to Ed, told him dinner smelled wonderful, and handed him a really nice bottle of wine.
Then she ranted about a student at the kids’ school for the next fifteen minutes. Ed was wheezing with laughter as Mary told him all about David Z.
“There are two Davids, but David J. is a lovely kid, he’s very sweet, and he gets along with everyone. But this other kid,” Mary said with a scowl on her face. “David Z. He’s the worst.”
Apparently, the school had put on an art show, and the three favorite pieces belonged to Alma, David J., and David Z.
“And you’ll never believe what he did! He threw a fit and tore down the other kids’ art because he didn’t ‘like it.’ Alma’s only got crumpled, but poor David J, his art was practically cut in half!”
“Diabolical little fucker,” Ed breathed.
“Sweetheart,” Stede said. “You do realize you’re talking about a child, right?”
“He is younger than Alma,” Doug interjected.
“By a year and a half!” Mary scoffed.
“Oh, so is that why Alma hasn’t kicked his ass?” Ed asked.
“Ed!”
Ed and Mary cackled as Stede admonished them, and Ed wondered why he had ever been nervous in the first place.
“Aren’t you two being a tad dramatic?” Stede asked, adoration in his eyes as he tried to suppress a grin.
“Nah, I don’t think so, babe. This kid straight up sucks.”
***
Dinner went perfectly. The food was great, the wine was flowing, and no one was horribly injured by stray cutlery. The night was going off without a hitch!
Until…
“Are you guys ready for dessert?” Ed asked. “I made a cake.”
Mary and Doug ooh-ed appreciatively.
“Ed’s an amazing baker,” Stede said. “Especially the sweet stuff. Isn’t that right, sugarballs?”
Ed felt his eyebrows fly to his hairline, and he fought to keep the rest of his face neutral. His voice was only slightly squeaky when he asked, “Stede, could you help me in the kitchen please?”
Ed stood calmly, avoiding their guests’ eyes as he walked to the kitchen. As the door swung shut behind them, Ed inhaled deeply, trying to center himself.
“Oh, Ed,” Stede whispered. “I told you there was nothing to worry about. This is going great!”
“Great?” Ed squawked. “Stede, why did you call me that?”
Stede looked confused. “Call you what?”
“Stede, you called me sugarballs in front of your ex-wife and her husband. I’ve known Mary and Doug for ninety minutes, and now I will forever be known as sugarballs to them. Where did you even hear that?”
“Jackie said it about the Swede, I just thought it meant you were sweet! I was so focused on not calling you kitten, even though I very much enjoy when you moan like a porn star. Sugarballs just slipped out.”
The laughter from the dining room was becoming impossible to ignore, so Ed and Stede returned to the table, eyes downcast and faces aflame.
“So. I suppose you heard all of that?” Stede asked dully.
“Well,” Doug said apologetically. “You were in the next room.”
Mary shook with silent laughter, tears streaming down her face. It took her a few minutes to regain her composure.
“Well!” Mary said, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. “Welcome to the family, Ed.”